Episode 184: The Benefits of Play-Based Learning with Rachel Robertson

The 30 Days of Play Challenge has returned! While I usually run this challenge once annually, I've updated it for flexible access. You can now join whenever convenient for you! Sign up at www.laurafroyen.com/playchallenge.

Regardless, I hope that this week's episode will make playful parenting seem more achievable and enjoyable for you! I am excited to share with you the latest episode of my podcast, where we explore the importance of play in early childhood education. I had the pleasure of interviewing Rachel Robertson who has been in the educational field for over 25 years, has degrees in education, human development and family studies and a Certificate in Early Education Leadership from Harvard and is a doctoral student at Northeastern. Also, she’s the Vice President of Education and Development for Bright Horizons.

Here are some of the topics we covered in this episode:

  • Reasons behind the significant shift from play to academic focus in early childhood education 

  • Play-based education and why play is important is so important for learning 

  • Factors to consider when selecting an early childhood program or daycare for children's development

  • Supporting children in early childhood education for parents with limited choices

  • How to support early childhood teachers

  • Importance of open-ended play objects and creating a space for children to make a mess for creativity and exploration

  • Benefits and considerations of early childhood education and socialization

If you're looking to connect with Rachel and learn more about her work, visit her website brighthorizons.com, LinkedIn @brighthorizons, Twitter @brighthorizons, and Rachel’s LinkedIn @rachelrobertson.

May these insights inspire you to embrace the power of play in early childhood education, fostering a journey of discovery and growth for children and families alike.


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!

Laura: Hello, everybody on this episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast. I'm going to be sitting down with Rachel Robertson to discuss the importance of play in early childhood education. Rachel Robertson has been in the education field for over 25 years and is a well respected thought leader. She has degrees in education, human development and family studies and a Certificate in Early Education Leadership from Harvard and is a doctoral student at Northeastern. She's currently the Vice President of Education and Development for Bright Horizons, which is an early childhood care center with that's has a national presence. So Rachel, welcome to the show. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do? And then we're gonna dive into one of my favorite topics, play and its role in early childhood education. 

Rachel: Great. Thank you for that introduction, Laura and thank you for inviting me to be part of this conversation. It's one of my favorite things to talk about. So I'm, I'm happy to be here for, I could talk about it all day or for 30 minutes, whatever we do today. But I think about it, talk about it a lot about play because it is just so important. My background, I'll give you the abbreviated version. I started out working in camping with young children and I thought that was 100% where I was going to spend my career being outside playing experiential learning hands on everything. You're supposed to get muddy. You were supposed to be outside, you're supposed to experiment and try and touch everything except for the poison ivy. Don't touch that. But that was what you were supposed to do. And then I, but I, when I was in undergrad, I, so I did that actually through high school and, and through college I did take a gap year and I worked at a Montessori school with toddlers. So when I went to get my undergrad, I thought, well, let me get a, a minor in child development while I'm doing while I'm pursuing my lifelong camping career here. And when I had my own children and realized living and working at camps 24 hours a day was just not going to be as feasible as I wanted it to be. It wasn't working for me. I thought, well, what could I do?

Okay. I worked in childcare. I liked that. I have my undergrad and child development. Let me just see about child, early, early care and education. I answered an ad in the paper. So that was a while ago and someone thought, okay, let's give her a shot. And I was in a, a, a trainee center director. Within weeks, I remember, I still remember distinctly thinking I'm staying here. This is so important. I thought what I was doing with older kids and camping was the most important thing. And it's very important. That was great work. I'd do it again any day. But I understood pretty immediately once I got into early care and education that this was the most influential time in a child's life. And if I wanted to make a difference in children's lives, it would need it to be in early childhood the way I wanted to do it because of the immense amount of brain development that was happening within this kind of beautiful, joyful, precious childhood.

Like it's play, you're having so much fun, not, it's not always easy, but it's joyful work and you're setting these children up for lifelong thriving. So once I got that, which was pretty immediate, I've said like this is where I'm gonna stay. And I've been in this career 25 years since, since that happened. And the work I've done, I just keep saying yes to things. So I'm lucky to be in this position here. But I've worked, I've written curriculum. I've worked with state systems. I've done a lot with training. I've done a lot with family education. I've written books. I work with military and I just kept do kind of collecting experiences in the field that got me to this place. And I actually specifically chose to come to Bright Horizons because of the commitment to early childhood research and quality and because of the innovation around research and science to make sure that and I wanted to work somewhere that allowed that for me to do that. And again, just do it in this like joyful, playful, filled, not that it's all places of course, like stuff happens, like somebody bites somebody, of course. But, once in a while that happens, but it's just really beautiful, playful work and, and it's childhood, get to be part of so many people's childhood. 

Laura: Okay. So I, I love that. I would, I would love to hear a little bit more about what, what play based learning actually is, I think that that is a buzzword. I think it's coming, you know, coming into fashion a little bit more than it was when my, when my kids were little. So my kids are 11 and 8 and when my oldest was move, moving in and we were looking for an early childhood, education or care setting for her. There was a lot of emphasis in educational or academic curriculums. And at the time I was in my PHD program for in Human Development and Family Studies. And I knew I wanted my kid in a play based program because that was the, the gold standard. And yet all of these places we were looking and interviewing were talking about their academic curriculums, which I felt was wildly not appropriate for the age that my child was. She was about 18 months.

And so I, that was really, like, kind of, for me, I, I knew going in, I wanted a play based environment for her but I don't think a lot of parents know going in that that's what they should be wanting or should be looking for. And I think that they don't even know necessarily what that means. And so I guess maybe a better place to start is why do you think there was such a strong shift away from play and into academics? And how do you kind of see the world moving back into play because I do think that that's starting to happen. 

Rachel: Yeah, I, I could say so many things. So we, we are fairly competitive society and there's some researchers that I followed and they, there's some theories about how we got into this competitive place just in education overall. So there's a lot of that out there and, and so we're, we're sort of winning trying to run a race around academics and we're not even running the right race, but we, we look at these like external measurements or these top of the pyramid measurements and we're not paying attention to all that's happening underneath. So we get these superficial things like oh, they can do this or they got this score, they passed this test and we fixate on that achievement, but we don't value or understand all that it takes to get to that achievement. So one of the things I often say is if you're rushing development, you're also skipping development. It's not, it's you're making a trade off.

So if you're rushed now, some kids have developmental trajectories go on an order typically. But kids move around. You might develop one thing differently than I do at different paces and rates. But we're all kind of going in the same order. You, you, you crawl before you scoot before you walk. That almost always happens. And that's what most development. So if you skip to the walking because you're so eager to get your child walking that you just kind of like, no, we're not gonna crawl. We're going to skip to walking. They actually missed out on some really important development that happens in that phase. That's underneath the pyramid.

Laura:  That provides that strong foundation. Yeah.

Rachel: Exactly. So you, I yeah, that analogy is perfect. So you can go like deck create the house because you want it to look beautiful. But if you didn't spend your time on the foundation, it's not gonna be worth it because they're gonna have that houses challenges. Same with a young child. So you might want them to be able to say all the letters in the alphabet from flashcards, but they're missing a bunch of, they don't even know what those letters stand for. They don't understand that. Letters are symbols for sounds that make up words because you've rushed, you've skipped over the development. So we, we get really fixated on kind of uh faster is better and more is better. And neither one of those things are true for child development or for education. So that's, and the push down.

So we've said, okay, this amazing amount of research is happening and sophisticated. Oh my gosh, we understand early childhood to be so important. The first five years of development are so important, so much is happening. And also we're very competitive and want things to happen faster and more and those things collided and that's what turned into this. I think this like let's make everything academic, let's start them when they're three. Like how about when they're two? They should be studying Mozart by then and they should be getting ready to be math geniuses by them. And the the other thing that we all struggle with is that we don't have any regulation around the term educational. So any anyone can say that their toy or material is educational. So with the influx of information sources, we also all got flooded with that. So all those things were happening at the same time.

There are, there are toy companies that have been sued immensely and lost because they falsified claims about how smart your child was gonna be if they use the product and they're still selling their product because they make that much money off of it. So, all of that at once I think is what got us to this place of like, oh, that nursery school stuff that play stuff that we used to do when we were young. That's just, that's custodial care. That's just care, that's not sophisticated learning. And we just wrongly went to this place of push down more. Everything must separating care and education. And in fact, you can't really separate. If you're gonna have high quality early learning, you can't separate care, play and education, they're all together. 

Laura: Yeah, especially for the, the young ones. Okay, I love what you're saying. I feel, you know, I feel so strongly that parents are quite a vulnerable population. They want so desperately for their kids to, to become successful, whatever definition of success you have. And it makes so much sense that if we are seeing products out there that are marketed to kind of give our kids an edge or classes that are supposed to give them a leg up, it makes so much sense that we would go for those things. 

Rachel: Absolutely. Every parent wants the best for their child, nobody wants to get it wrong. Right? Like right.

Laura: Right. Yeah.

Rachel: Everybody's coming from that place. And if someone says this is gonna give your child a leg up, of course you're gonna pay attention to it. Of course.

Laura: Of course. Yeah. So one of the things I would love to kind of arm parents who are listening to this episode with is with some education, with some ability to be really aware, conscious consumers of, of some of the the ways that they're marketed to. So let's just break it down to what is the benefit of play for a child when it comes to their early educational experiences? We all know that play is children's language. That's how they process and move through things. But when it comes to education, what is play based education, why would play be a beneficial part of education? 

Rachel: Yeah. It's such a good question. So, when you watch children play, I think you can see a lot of what I'm about to say. If you just for a sustained amount of time, just watch them play. That's okay. 

Laura: Okay. Can I just interrupt for a second? So, during the month of January, we do this 30 days of play project within my community. The 1st 10 days are solely dedicated to observation with it. It's so your, your only job is to drop into presents and observe your child and play for 10 minutes. But because of that, because you have to observe anyway. Go ahead. Sorry, I didn't. 

Rachel: Yeah. No, I love it. That's exactly, because you can see a lot of what we're talking about here when you pay attention to it. A lot of times adults will do something else when play is happening. Like it's always like I can take a break here, the play is happening and.

Laura: Which also is okay. 

Rachel: You know, it's definitely okay, but just a couple times, take a moment to pay attention to what is exactly going on. So play is I don't remember who said it and I think it's actually been sort of changed over the years, but play, it is Albert Einstein or someone said it was like you learning laboratory, like every all the experiments like mad scientists play, that's what kids are. Scientists from the get go. They are, why, why, why? That's a good scientist. Questions they're experimenting, they're trying cause and effect what will happen if this happens? What, what's the reaction of this person gonna happen? How does this work? Like they want to know all that stuff and play is really the best way for that to explore all that natural curiosity and wonder they learn about what they're capable of. They learn how things work. They learn scientific processes, they actually learn some pretty sophisticated stuff.

They learn a lot about stem concepts and engineering and balance and geometry and everything you can think of is happening through that play, how to express themselves, how to regulate their behavior. One of the things I say to adults when I'm talking to them in a meeting space is what are you doing right now? What skills are you applying right now and a lot, it takes a minute sometimes to think about it. But it's stuff like I'm waiting my turn, I'm managing my behavior. I'm thinking about what you're saying. Am I connecting it to something else? I'm planning ahead. I'm thinking about what I'm gonna do tonight. If people are honest, what, whatever they say, all of that stuff is foundational executive function, social emotional skills. Those are happening in play. That's what kids are doing when you're, when, when you're playing with another child.

And they say they take the storyline in a different direction, you have to be flexible, you have to be a creative thinker. I'm gonna say kids are in a constant state of improv, they are constantly working on. Well, I don't know what's gonna happen next. Let me find out and that is all happening when we give them space for play. It's such a you can't, you can't fabricate that experience. You can't give them a five step direction activity and have all those things happen at the same time, the way it will when it happens through that natural, even if you and we can talk about this a little bit, even if you prompted or guide that play a little bit. It has to have that open ended. I don't know where this is gonna go bring all your ideas and imagination. There's no wrong answer that has to be included to have it be real play. And when that's happening, there's just nothing else that's as rich and meaningful and powerful as play. 

Laura: I love that. Even for, even for adults. I know. Right. I mean, the, the way we play is different. Right? So, play looks very different for adults, but we still need it. You know, humans are an animal that needs play. You know, we are primates, we need play. It's important for us. 

Rachel: I think, you know, when we talk about hands on learning or role play, which no adult likes, but they all learn from a lot that's play, that's play when we do like a group project or a creative activity in your brain. Sort of like, oh, I have a little space to think here where you walk away from your computer screen and your brain feels relieved like you're in a state of kind of creative space and play. We all need it. In fact, I've read recently some, some thinking around the fact that some of the mental health stuff that we're dealing with as a society is coming from the greatly reduced amount of play that children and adults experience the last few years. 

Laura: Oh, yeah. I mean, I think that that makes a lot of sense because a lot of our free time is so easily solved by the thing in our pocket. You know, our phones, our devices.

Rachel:  Our lessons, our class, or keep busy with this or, yeah, we're, we're, we're, we focus a lot on occupying time rather than how we use that time. So, we're thinking, let's just stay busy. I can't, we can't do this. We're getting through this. We're doing this next. And that another good thing about play is it's a perfect antidote to boredom. And boredom is a good thing when kids say I am bored. That's a good thing. 

Laura: It is. 

Rachel: There's a wide open opportunity for some good imaginative play. 

Laura: I mean, I do understand that for the parents, you know, who are at the tail end of a summer vacation with their kids home, hearing mom, I'm bored who we've maybe hear that too much. But you're right, boredom is such a beautiful opportunity for creativity and ingenuity and play. Okay. So when, if I'm putting myself in the shoes of a parent who's looking to get their child into an early childhood education program, preschool daycare, what are some of the things that they should be looking for when they are interviewing or exploring or touring programs and facilities? That would clue them to the fact that play is valued.

Rachel:  Yeah, so that, I mean, just flat out asking how, how is play incorporated in your program? If you hear answers like, oh, we have play time from 2 to 2:30 in the afternoon. Anything like that should sound some alarms that there's compartmentalizing play that they're not unconnected, play with learning and care. 

Laura: Interesting. Okay.

Rachel: So you want to think for like you don't want someone to be scheduled and you don't want play to be really constructed for a child. So the second there's a right or wrong outcome or there's the moment an adult is directing it, like do this, here's the directions, this is what it should look like at the end. That's not play. That could be something else. Maybe that's learning to follow directions or create a pattern, that's not play. So we, you wanna make sure that there is that rich imaginative play, guided play and not everybody uses that term. But so I'll explain what it means. But guided play is really where the richest learning happens. So where an adult understands their role as a facilitator of learning through. So any of these kind of ways someone might talk about it or it's written in their philosophy, but you could, you should also watch for this. Any high quality early care and education program should allow you to come visit.

Laura: Yes.

Rachel: And see what happens in the classroom. So if you see things like a teacher, children playing in different spaces, not all required to move at once, not having a timer and they have to rotate or anything like that because that takes the, the free play out of it. You want to see a teacher choosing to put themselves with children and prompting their thinking maybe, oh, looks like you could. What about this material? I wonder what would happen if so they're not telling them what to do. But they're prompting thinking or maybe they're adding a vocabulary word or helping children chart their hypotheses about something going to happen or like, oh, that's not fitting in the space anymore. What ideas do you all have? So, helping them problem solve, nurturing their own development through that play. That's guided play. So free play is like the adults not interacting at all.

That's wonderful. That's great. We want lots of that free play. But real rich learning happens from that guided play where a teacher might say, oh, I'm looking at your play. I see that you're making something really tall. I wonder, I wonder if you could also make it really wide. And so they're adding a layer or context or a challenge, but they're not just so looking for that kind of interaction from a teacher. Again, like making sure that a schedule isn't just block chunked up until like here's play time, here's learning time and that that teacher is really celebrating and having fun with the children at their level. Joyful laughing, enjoying the like childhood should look like childhood. It shouldn't look like fun in third grade. Right? It should in third grade, by the way, should be fun too, but.

Laura: I agree.

Rachel: Should look like childhood. It shouldn't look like mini school or another grade that we're trying to get them to. And in fact, if you pay attention to what's happening in schools, they're talking a lot about differentiated instruction and project based learning that's all happening in good early childhood. So what I say is we should be pushing up, not getting pushed down because the beauty of what children experience in high quality early childhood is in fact what children in older grades also need. 

Laura: Yeah, I love that. So, just for the listener who's not familiar with the pushing up versus pushing down. So, in, in education it, there's been a trend in the past, what would you say 15, 20 years to push? Yeah, to push skills down. So, you know, when I was growing up I maybe learned letters in kindergarten. But reading, learning happened in first grade. Really, you know, really, like I learned to read in first grade. Now most kids are fully learning to read in kindergarten and they're learning letters in four K. Right. Wouldn't you say that's what we mean by pushing down.

Rachel:  Yeah. And I think that's right. So, if you, so if you walked into a toddler room, let's say, and you saw alphabet rugs and alphabet posters that would give me a lot of pause. 

Laura: Me, too.

Rachel: Like the first, no one's learning the alphabet from a rug. So that's one thing. Like, it just makes us feel like there's academics happening, but there isn't a richness of academics and it's actually too early. We want them to be building their expressive language, their ability to say how they feel we want them to be learning about receptive language, listening to directions, responding to other people.

Laura: Those foundational executive function, skills, learning to wait and regulate. Yeah. 

Rachel: Yeah. And of course, like, so busy doing flashcards about letters, what they're gonna do is they're gonna be able to see, they see that shape of the A and they're gonna start to memorize that. They don't know what that letter does, what it means. So it's, again, it's that rush skip development. The other thing I would say about play, if, when you're looking, if you're going to early care and education program, so ask them about it, look for their philosophy. Um ask the, you know, if you want to get sophisticated about it, you can ask like which theorists do they use to develop their philosophy? What, what's their curriculum based on and ask for examples of the curriculum? Make sure what's on the curriculum kind of matches what you're seeing in the classroom. You want to look for things like can kids do? Are there, is there process art, meaning messy, creative stuff? It's not all looking the same. That means the process is valued.

You wanna look for, maybe there's a, maybe there's a black tower over there in blocks, but no one's there. But that means that kids are allowed to leave their work and come back to it, that they can continue to evolve, that it's not about like everything being neat tidy. It's good that kids learn how to take care of their classroom. But it's not, it's about the richness of the exploration. So if I go in a classroom and see something over on a table and it has like a save sign or it has some kids names on it because they got to save it with their name. That's thrilling to me because that means that project is happening over time and kids get to come back and iterate and be creative and try new things and they're really engaged in it, they want to keep it there. And that means that also that the teacher's main goal isn't to clean up. The teacher's main goal is to help children learn through something they're really interested in.

Laura: I love that. Yeah, I love that.

Rachel: Can I give you one other thing?

Laura: Please, please, please. Yes

Rachel:. I, so if you're looking for it because I mean, academics isn't wrong to learn about, right.

Laura: No, no. 

Rachel: If we use reading, children usually develop reading school skills somewhere between five and seven. So we don't need to rush it. If they, if they end up reading early, that's fine. That's a natural development, but we shouldn't push it and force it before it happens. But we can get them ready for again, looking at the trajectory of development. So if you am I in a preschool room, if they're doing worksheets and flashcards about letters, I get concerned about that because that's memorizing, that's repetition. That's didactic, that's not meaningful, playful learning. But if I see that they did a cooking project and the chef came and helped them or their caterer or someone at the grocery, whatever food related thing happened that, that they're then using writing a thank you note as a group and practicing letters together. Then I'm so excited because they. 

Laura: Because it's meaningful, yeah.

Rachel: And it was engaging and they're getting much better learning because they're using and practicing their skills in a useful way. None of us in our jobs. I mean, maybe there's a job out there that you have to do this. You have to sit around and recite the alphabet, but that's very foundational. We have to use the alphabet and that's what they, what, like, let's have them do that because they can do that. And that's actually how they'll, they'll learn the foundational skills and the more advanced skills at the same time. So looking for that, you can look for the learning. It doesn't have to be just replay and I actually don't, not just replay but look for the learning embedded in the play, not next to or on the side. 

Laura: Yeah. Like things like if there is a kitchen area in the play space making, you know, are there, is there a pad of paper for taking down orders available? You know, like that sort of thing. Okay. 

Rachel: That's a great example. I was just in the center I visit centers a lot and I was just in the center where the teacher was in, read a book about something about building. And then all the, a lot of the children, not all of them, but a lot of them are choosing to do some building afterwards. And I sat next to a little girl and I said, tell me about what you're doing. And she said she's telling me that she was building a, a rocket. And I, and then I sat next to her for a little bit and she said to me, can I tell you the most specialist thing I know.? And I was like, of course, you do, please. And she was telling me about this secret passage way. She knew about it at a museum that was near a rocket that she was excited about. And then the teacher came over and was talking and they were going to start doing a rocket project.

They were interested in it asking lots of questions. And the teacher was asking questions like, well, what do you think makes it go? And then they made this big chart about, well, what do we know about rockets? What do we want to know about rockets? So, like, it just stemmed from this very natural interaction. That was fun. And, and that's where the learning went. The teacher found the opportunity within children's interests instead of fabricating, like this month's theme is on apples. I don't think if you're interested in rockets, we're gonna talk about apples. So that's again, something I'm always looking for is like, are the children's interests inspiring this because then it's gonna be really engaging and playful.

Laura:  And rich. You know, I'm, I'm thinking about that one for that takes a lot of skill as a teacher. Right? It takes a lot of resources as a teacher too. And I'm, I'm thinking about the privilege associated with being able to be in a care setting. Like the one you just described, like what we've been talking about, there's a huge amount of privilege in there. Now, I know of several, you know, several families whose children are in home care settings who do exactly those things, too. You can find care settings like this at all, entry levels at all price points. But I do wanna just have an eye towards the families who maybe don't have as much choice about where their kids go for their care and what parents can maybe be doing if they're starting to, if they're noticing some of the things that we've been talking about here, maybe aren't happening in their childcare and they want to see them more play based things or if they're seeing some of the things like the alphabet rug, for example, and then, you know, starting them wondering about what they can be doing to support, maybe even, you know, support their individual child, but maybe even the, the care center that they're in. What are some things that parents who maybe don't have as much choice, as much latitude. What can they be doing to support their child and, and hopefully all children because we're all in this together.

Rachel: Yeah.  I think. I mean, so the alphabet rug, it's, I, I.

Laura: No, I totally know. Yes.

Rachel: Like, so the alphabet rug it's not gonna hurt anyone but it's.

Laura: Of course not. No, it's just an indication.

Rachel:  It's an indication. Yeah. So I would say to families a couple of things, one is a lot of times, early care and education providers are doing some of this academic work because they think that's what families want. 

Laura: Exactly. Yes, so good you said that.

Rachel: You simply start to tell them. This is not actually what we want or how can we infuse play more or how can we support the teachers or? And I understand. 

Laura: Oh, that is so key Rachel. How can we support the teachers? The teachers do I mean, oh, my gosh, these early childhood teachers, oh, they have the, they have the hardest jobs on this planet and the most important jobs.

Rachel: So hard and so meaningful. And when, when I, if we have this education development department, upright horizons that I lead and when people want, a lot of times people want to join our department and sometimes they've been worked in the center and I always have a pretty frank talk with them about it's gonna be you, you think you're actually gonna miss it a lot because there's no one who hugs you at the end of the day. There's no one who makes you a picture during the day. There's no classroom, you can go in and see all these faces and all this development and celebrate these milestones with family. So it is this but the, but it's a lot of work and it's way immensely undervalued early childhood educators. So there's just this beautiful joy and it's a great career path and it is absolutely a lot of work. It's demanding, you're working with vulnerable population and their families who are also very rightly worried about their care and what's happening with them.

But so, so offering your support versus I don't like what the teachers are doing or why are you doing this or this or that you must not know or whatever kind of phrasing that might accidentally come out just really support this. Is there a workshop we can all do together? Is there a study? And I, and I understand parents don't have time. Parents might not have the money to add to these resources either. But some things like some programs can take donations. So are there some I can help loose parts, natural materials are some of the best things you can have. They are free, you can get really safe, like splinter free sticks, stones, shells, pine cones. Those are wonderful things to have in a classroom. Parts of PVC pipes. Paper towel rolls, empty Kleenex boxes. If I open a cardboard box and there's anything interesting cardboard in there, I'm like, I'm saving this for the next time I go. 

Laura: Absolutely. 

Rachel: It's, you can get, go to a picture frame store and ask for all their cardboard extra stuff that they just. 

Laura: I love that. Yeah.

Rachel:  You don't need them so you can help with that. If you're helping out a program, you can also tell them that you value play and you, you're supportive of them exploring that and pursuing that. But you and then you can also supplement at home and the night, the thing I love the most about early childhood is while it is so important and sophisticated and it sets a person up on a trajectory for life. It also isn't, is fairly simple to get it right. There is a lot of ways to get it right. And if you do some of these things at home, you child is also flourishing. So making sure you're reading books, making sure you're having rich conversations that you respect your child as a and this, you want to look for this in the care program too is you respect that child as a partner as an individ that has their own ideas and they have a lot of them, right? They're not there to just be quiet and do what you say. But that you and then you give them, you enrich their vocabulary maybe you say. I, I've actually a children's book author too and I have in my books, I use what I refer to as juicy words. I stole that from a different author, but kind of, you don't shy away from a word like magnificent. You use it and then they learn how they learn how to say it. I've been, I was in a, a class one of our classrooms a couple months ago and a child told was using the word benevolent. I'm like, what, what's happening? 

Laura: Love that word.

Rachel: Appropriately too. So, so that kind of thing and that play and offering them take, take, I'm just looking at your background, you can take like little wood and pieces or you can take shower curtain rings or whatever, safe, old corks or what, you know, clean, clean things, safe things always, but just let them play and experiment. This is why children love the paper box, the cardboard box. This is why they gravitate towards the pots and pans because it can be anything. A toy car is.

Laura: Open ended and.

Rachel: Yeah, exactly.

Laura: And they're meaningful objects.

Rachel: Toy car every day. Right? So every single day. A a block can be a toy car can be, it could be whatever it could be a dolphin, a rocket ship. It could be part of something else. Yeah. It's just like you're saying open ended objects. That's really important. 

Laura: Yeah. My favorite place to find like loose parts stuff other than out in nature. Is that thrift stores? There's just really like my, my kids favorite continue. So they're 11 and 8 and they still play a lot and their favorite kind of most used play object in our playroom continues to be floral gems. Like the little glass gems that would go in the bottom of it. They are so open like they are everything to these kids. They are used for everything. So I love that. 

Rachel: Yeah, I love that. We got into this conversation too about loose parts because that is a really valuable part to play and it's so low budget. Like in fact, you actually you fabrics like scraps of things. 

Laura: Scraps of fabrics, yeah. 

Rachel: And see what it'll be because it'll be a lot of different things which is very different from like this is the one way you use this material or toy, which is not very playful, but when they can be inventive and use their own natural ingenuity and curiosity, you don't know what's gonna happen. The thing that parents and you, everybody gets to make their own decision but find a place in your space in your child's life that they can make a mess because that's a big part of this beauty around play. If they're worried about the mass or what they can't do, they're much less likely to feel the freedom of creativity. I do, I used to do things like take watercolors to a stream near our house. Nontoxic watercolors and let my kids paint rocks, that’s fine. You could make a mess. It'll wash right off and just if it needs to be outdoors at a public park, that's where they can get messy, mud washes off. 

Laura: Yeah, I love that. I, you know, as a, as a parent to young when I was, had much younger children, there was all of these Pinterest boards and Instagram, you know, ideas about doing sensory play, you know, the rice and the colored pastas and stuff and that was not happening in my house. I just can't stand the feeling of rice under my feet or the mess. So we had a mud kitchen and the mud kitchen was a place where they could get dirty and messy. They use it, they still use it, you know, there, I mean, I gave it to my child as a her second like her two year old birthday present. They still use that at 11 and 8 and they use it in the snow too. So it's, it's perfect. Perfect. Yes. So they get all those good experiences with, you know, it is okay as parents, right? It's okay for us to acknowledge our own limitation. 

Rachel: Everybody can have their own limitations. And in fact, I'd say we, I, I, I would say don't even worry about fancy stuff in a sensory table or especially food because there can be some like as we're getting into a little bit, like some people have a challenge with using food for play because.

Laura: 100% because there's food insecurity is a real issue. Yeah. 

Rachel: So, but you could do something like, I just saw this in a center too as they were making something with corn and they were letting the kids peel the silk and instead of like adults are, like, get this off, let's get this done. We have cooking to do. The kids were like so enamored by the one little string and how it felt and really exploring that. But you could do that at home. 

Laura: I love that. 

Rachel: Little time for that. Right? But that's such a beautiful sensory experience and it's also getting you to something you need to do, which is make dinner. So.

Laura: Yeah, and involving kids in a meaningful way in their, I mean, gosh, beautiful. So I guess one of the things I just wanted to ask real quick, I feel like I, I get this question from parents a lot and I'm trying to figure out how to ask us in a nice way that, that you'll feel comfortable answering because so a lot, I feel like I interact with a lot of parents who have kids who are maybe two or three and they enjoy being home with their, with their kids. They like having them home but they feel like they are supposed to put their kids into care it for some particular reason like that they have to, that it's best for them that they need socialization. And I like, how do you feel about that? What is your recommendation? Do we have to put our kids into care? 

Rachel: There is a lot of value that comes from early social experiences, from having to do those things that we've talked about, negotiate, react to someone regulate your own emotions. You don't learn as much about regulating your own emotions. If you don't have anyone to regulate, if you can just have whatever emotions you want. There's so there's the socialization part where you're kind of like figuring out how to work in a group, how to not always get your way, how to compromise, how to, how to, how to advocate for yourself, how to react to other people, regulate all that good stuff, how to make a friend, how to enter into play. There's three people over here. I actually want to go over there. The best way to do that is not to knock over everything they're doing, but as adults need to have that skill. So there is a lot to that.

There's also something a term I just recently heard from a researcher is this idea of social synchrony. And this happens to all of us, where are we kind of sync up mentally when we're together in a group? So this starts, which is not always good. Sometimes you have to break that group think up. But there is sort of like this social experience that happens with your brain that is positive. We're all missing each other. The the pandemic told us that we need people, we need to be together and that helps does help with development. There is, there is that is factual that is important. And if an early care and education quality program is available to you, that's a great way to do it. If it's not available to you or if it's not the right choice for your family, just find those social experiences.

So you don't want your child to go show up at kindergarten, not having any social experiences, especially if they don't have siblings or cousins that are kind of a piece of their neighbors or whoever you want them to have those purposeful social experiences where they, where things don't always go their way where they don't know, it's not working out, they're fighting, let's go home. They, you need that sustained kind of working it out, learning from, but it doesn't have to be in that formalized setting. You just want to make sure that you're doing, you're supplementing it and augmenting it in other ways. So, so I would say, you know, it is really good if you have the ability to do an early education program, that's high quality because if it's low quality, it can actually have a negative impact. So you don't want, you don't want to settle like, it's the best I can do even though it's not good at all because you're so worried about the social piece, that would be better served for doing, using your community or.

Laura: Like story times and music together classes. 

Rachel: Exactly. Exactly. And just, yeah, getting them, having play dates, starting to do that kind of stuff is important and just recognizing it's not just to keep them busy, it is actually developing some pretty important skills. 

Laura: Yeah. And at the same time, I think too, for those parents were, like, wait a second, I was so looking forward to, to three hours a day of, of preschool, you can do that too. Right. So kids can go to three hours a day of preschool and again, like, you can be supplementing at home and, oh, the, there's so many choices. We have so many choices in this day and age. 

Rachel: And also, like, that's another false belief that we are competing with is a half day program of preschool is not richer than a full day program that embeds also the care. So, if you're a parent and you're saying, oh, well, my child's going to this childcare now because I need, I need the care as a working parent. But when they're older, I'm going to put them in preschool. Well, if it's a high quality early care and education program, it's doing everything a preschool would be and wrapping that into the entire day. So, we should stop having a, we, we, we like false choices in this country. It seems like not either or you can do all of it in the same place. And in fact, I mean, that's what we do. We would never, we, when we're thinking about the decisions we make for children, we're 100% thinking all the time about their learning and development. But that's why care is important. That's why play is important.

That's why these other things are part of the whole day because it's all part of their learning and development. Not, we don't separate our day into like, okay, the real learning happens in the morning and then the, that's just not how a high quality program manages itself, but we have this thinking about it like that. So again, if you can access you know, a high quality early care and education program for whatever hours you need for this, the routine and schedule is very valuable for children. So I would avoid like one day here, one day here, one day here, very unpredictable. That's hard on kids. So find some sort of predictable, especially the year before they go off to school is I would say that's the most important. 

Laura: Awesome. Thank you so much, Rachel. It was so fun talking to you. 

Rachel: Yeah, you too. I could talk about this for days as you could talk. 

Laura: Same. 

Rachel: Yeah.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout out um and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too. 

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 183: The Science of Playful Parenting with Dajana Yoakley

The 30 Days of Play Challenge is BACK! Normally I only offer this challenge once a year, but I’ve revamped it so that you can now access it at the time that is right for you! If that’s now, you can sign up here: www.laurafroyen.com/playchallenge If that isn’t right now, that’s ok too, you can sign up whenever you want and move at your own pace!

Regardless, I hope this week’s episode helps make playful parenting feel more doable and fun for you! This week, we’ll delve into the importance of playful parenting and how incorporating playfulness can lead to more connection, cooperation, and peace in the home. Our guest expert, Dajana Yoakley, a mom of three, is a certified Peaceful Parenting Coach and Parenting Educator. She trained under Dr. Laura Markham, the queen of peaceful parenting and Dr. Lawrence Cohen, the father of playful parenting.

Here are some of the key takeaways:

  • Understanding the benefits of play for children’s development

  • The importance of playful parenting

  • Why play may be hard for some parents (and the need for inner work)

  • Using play to engage cooperation

If you need support or guidance for playful parenting, visit Dajana’s website www.delightinparenting.com and follow her on Facebook @dajanayoakley, Instagram @dajanayoakley and on her Youtube @delightinparenting.

We hope these insights inspire you to explore playful parenting and discover the transformative power of play in your family's journey towards greater connection and harmony. 


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!

Laura: Hello, everybody. Before we jump into this week's episode, I just wanted to invite you to join our play challenge. Now, in the past, we used to run this play challenge live every January and I have to be perfectly honest, my capacity to support that challenge hasn't been as high. So I skipped it this past January and in the time in between, I've been making it a, a challenge that you can sign up for any time. This way, you don't have to wait until January. You can actually go and do the challenge anytime you're ready for it and you can sign up now at laurafroyen.com/playchallenge. So this episode will support you in your play challenge. And then there's also a private podcast that goes along with the challenge to support you even further in deepening your understanding of how important your child's play is and how you can get more peace cooperation and connection through play with your kiddos. All right. Enjoy the episode. 

Okay. Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we're gonna be talking about playful parenting and why it's so important how you can use it in a way that feels authentic and good to you and how it can help you get more connection and cooperation and peace in your home. So, for this conversation, I'm bringing in a peaceful parenting expert, Dajana Yoakley. And she has recently trained with Doctor Laura Markham, the, you know, queen of peaceful parenting and Doctor Larry Cohen as the father of playful parenting. So two really like awesome places to be trained in. I'm so excited to be talking about this topic with you, Diana. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do and then we'll dive in. 

Dajana: Yeah. Thanks for having me. So excited to talk to you. Yeah. So I again, I'm a mom of not again, but I'm a mom of three. I have three kids under the age of 12 and so play is a big part of our household. And really cult a household of playfulness, but as, as a peaceful parenting coach and recently trained as a parent educator and certified with Doctor Larry Cohen. I've really seen kind of the, the neuroscience behind play and understand why it's so important and, in really parenting overall and building connection, and, you know, making the household more peaceful and getting cooperation, getting kids to listen and cooper in using resources that don't that don't feel like force to them, you know? 

Laura: Yeah. Okay. So, so yeah, can you tell us some of the, like the, I, I mean, I always love it when we can geek out. So tell us  what have you learned? What are some of the things like, what are some of the benefits of play? 

Dajana: Yeah. So I would say if we can reframe play, you know, generally I think parents will kind of dismiss play as children's work. But when we rethink about play in terms of the nervous system and I love, you know, the neurobiology of peaceful parenting and playful parenting when a child is playing on their own or with you, they're really in a state of nervous system safety. Their nervous system feels safe enough to play. They're in a state of connection, whether it's with you or with uh you know, themselves or with the world that they're in. And so when we, when our kids are having a hard time they're struggling with big emotions or struggling with challenging behavior. One of the best ways to reframe that is that their nervous system is in a state of unsafe, feeling unsafe, right? When they're having big emotions or challenging behavior, they're they're not feeling like they have emotional well being right now in that moment. And so when we introduced the element of play, we're signaling to the child and we're tapping into this interpersonal safety, this creating safety in our bodies. Rough housing is one of the most foundational ways to play with kids, not just because kids love it, but because the body is the container of our emotional experiences, right? And rough housing gets the giggles going. Laughter is the antidote to anxiety. It's the antidote to feeling stuck, right? Because laughter is a neurobiological expression of safety. 

Again, when you think about primates playing or roughhousing, they're queuing to each other that they're not a predator. So when your child is having challenging behavior with you or in the household, they're sending signals of, you know, this feels like a threat either inside of me or outside of me or I don't feel connected to you. And so when you incorporate play in your relationship with your child, you're signaling to them without verbally saying anything. You know, we often tend to, as adults, we often tend to go to lectures and we want to explain to them in, in compassionate words, why things are the way they are. We want to talk about feelings and there's a time and place for that. But especially for little kids and, you know, don't underestimate the power of play with teenagers even, you know, pillow fights and different activities like that. When you play, you're kind of going below the radar of like the linguistic element, right? You don't have to tap into the language in the child's brain. You basically just go to the somatics, you're going to their body when you can play and get them laughing, get them giggling. It's not manipulative. It's really an intelligent way, it's an intelligent way to relate to a mammal, a primate um and create safety and connections. So you can influence their nervous system state for more cooper operation within your household. 

Laura: Oh my gosh, no, it's and I love, I love what you're saying and I think it's so true, you know, so early in my own parenting journey, I had feelings of, I don't know, concern about using playfulness to get my kids to do things because it felt a little manipulative until I sat down and really thought about what was actually happening here. You know, really speaking the language, the language of the body, the language of connection, the language of play for these kids and how there's nothing more respectful than meeting a person where they are and speaking their language. But I do think that parents feel worried that, you know, I, I think, I guess maybe we can talk about concerns in a minute after we talk about kind of. So what does playful parent like? What does playful parenting mean? How can it increase cooperation? But I do think that parents are concerned around. I have cons, you know, the things I hear are well, should I, you know, why can't they just listen to me when I tell them to do it the first time? Why do I have to put on some big show to get, you know, to get them to do things or isn't it like, isn't it, you know, inauthentic, you know, or isn't it? You know, why, you know, why is it? So, you know, I don't want to have to do those things. That's a lot of energy just to get a kid to brush their teeth, you know, and we talk about that a little bit too?

Dajana: Yeah, I think you're right. You know, it, it is like, almost like this framework of respecting people's languages. Like if you were to go to a foreign country on vacation and you're, you're tourists, you're looking at their different things they have on display and they speak their language because they live there you're visiting and so you're like, can you guys say it in English because it's like a lot of work and like, you know, for me to say it in your language and, you know, and I'm paying for this. So can't we just, like, make it easier for me? Yes, that's, that's kind of what I think sometimes it feels like for parents. Like, why do they have to travel to this child's land and speak their language when the child lives with me in this house? It's like, you know, I created them, I'm the parent and it's almost like this battle for like whose needs are gonna get met first. Like who you know, and, and yes, there's a time and place for play. It's not to say that kids are more important than parents. Everybody is equally important. 

Let's respect everybody's needs, but it's also respect the fact that their primary way of relating to the world is play. That is their first language. That's how babies operate. They don't speak first, they play first up through like the pre teen years. That is the way that they experiment explore the world. That's how they get input from the world. They engage with it in a playful way. And so just kind of respecting that, that is how they actually understand it better. So if we want to be more effective, we should speak in a language that they understand clearer and more more quickly and more coherently when we say it in our adult ways, we're actually asking them to do more work than we're doing. Right, we're saying like you come up here where I am in, in the, in the, in the adult world where we, where I say things and you respond and we have a conversation and we talk about limits and rules and it's like, and, and it's almost like the expectation on the kids is higher than the expectation on ourselves. 

Now again, we can, it's parenting is hard and I'm not blaming parents. I think what, you know, you talk a lot about internal family systems and I think there's a part of us that feels like my needs matter too, as a parent, my needs matter too. And why can't these kids for one meet my needs? Right? And so then it's like who's going to come to your rescue? Is the kid going to have to come to your rescue and make it easier for you in this moment? Or can you support yourself with kind of the inner wisdom and self compassion and give yourself what you need first kind of that self regulation. And then step two go into connection with your child to as the adult, as the one that kind of, you know, gave them life or brought them into your world. You're the parent, you have to take responsibility even when it doesn't feel like it's something that you want to be doing right now. Right? It's kind of the work of adulthood and parenting on that. 

Laura: Yeah, I know. I really, I love what you're saying. And I, I mean, so it's so important that we under, you know, that we understand this, this tricky balance of, yes, we are the parents and we, you know, we have these kids and we are responsible for them and sometimes we have to like, you know, put our, our needs aside and go to their level and everything. And at the same time, we are human beings who have needs, but it's not our child's responsibility to meet those needs, right? It's our responsibility to figure out. Okay, so how am I going to get these needs met so that I can show up for myself and for my kids in the best way that I can, you know, like it's, it's about like that balance is so tricky and so important to really peace out. And I think the piece of it that is helped me when I talk, when I think about peaceful parenting, not peaceful parenting, playful parenting. Sorry, is that I'm gonna spend the time anyway. If my three year old is refusing to brush their teeth, I'm gonna spend the time anyway. And that time can be spent in battles, in bribery and you know, and you're doing it like force, you know, it can be spent in that way or it can be spent in, you know, getting a pretend phone call from our local zookeeper who tells me that, you know, animals are hiding in my children's teeth, you know, I'm gonna spend the time either way. 

And playful parenting allows me to spend the time, get the job done and connect and feel good about it. Not, and not just, you know, and, you know, I, you know, I know, I know we're not supposed to just do stuff. I know. No, it's okay. It's okay for us to want to enjoy parenting. It is, right? It's okay for us to want to enjoy parenting. It's more fun for me. It's more fun for them and it's more fun for me when I give myself that permission to just go to them, meet them where they are, be that playful person. Allow, let the play make it easy. I don't like brushing my teeth, even, even as an adult, I usually read my kindle while I'm brushing my teeth. It's boring. I get it, it's way more fun to have your parent brushing your teeth, you know, finding hidden animals, you know, from the zoo than to just sit there and do it. You know, it's, it makes sense that they don't want to do some of those things. It makes sense that we would want to be able to have more fun in connection and play. And I just, anyway, yeah, with your thoughts. 

Dajana: Yeah. And I would add that, I think we, when we kind of go into adulthood, we, we stop playing in a way like kids play and we start playing in a different way. Like reading the Kindle is kind of a form of play for play to flow, right? Like it's your preferred way to play. Whereas a kid I want to, you know, brush the sink with their toothbrush or whatever, like, it's a different kind of play because we have different, you know, mature brains, but we're still playing like as adults, we're still playing just in our own preferred way. So it's almost like when you think about siblings and they're trying to negotiate a game to play, maybe they're different ages like three years apart or something and they have different ideas about how the game should go. So it's like, yes, what would make this pleasant for me versus what would make it pleasant for my kid? And then it's like, can we find a win, win because, you know, parents shouldn't feel like they're, they have to play, you know, again, we can talk about parts as well, like finding there's a playful part somewhere but that you can try to like, you know, kind of bring more into like conversation, like by allowing these other parts of resistance to kind of have their speak and then move to the side a little bit, create some space for other parts. 

Maybe the playful part can come out and tell, you know, have a chance to speak once these other parts kind of shift aside by really looking within like one of the one of the foundational aspects of playful parenting is looking within yourself if you have a hard time playing with your child. But also finding like a balance. Again, you don't have to play all of your kids favorite games, you can play one of their favorite games and then invite them to play something that you also enjoy. So what do you like to play that they also enjoy playing? And can you meet in the middle? Look for a win, win. So it's not always just dinosaurs and trucks, but sometimes maybe it's you know, some game that you like, you know, that is still playful in, in their world as well, but maybe it's not their game. And so you kind of take turns again, kind of like thinking about those siblings with different brain development stages, they play, eventually they end up playing, but they find a way to negotiate, they find a middle ground where we can bend the rules a little bit. So everybody's happy and we can still coexist. So knowing that our kids have preferences for different types of play and we have preferences for our types of play. But how can we meet in the middle? So we can still connect because when we're not even joining them, we're not connecting and connection is the foundation of parenting. It's more than 80% of your parenting influence comes from the connection. And so we've got to get into their world or invite them into ours. But again, it takes a little bit of negotiation and finding the right kind of fit for, for us to play. 

Laura: Dajana, I love that balance that you're putting in there too because I think we sometimes we feel like we get the message that we just have to lay ourselves on the altar of motherhood and sacrifice ourselves and just do it for the kids and that we don't have to do that. If you find legos mind numbingly boring, you don't have to play Legos but find something that meets your needs and your kids needs. I really love that you're highlighting that and I also really appreciate you bringing in that parts work piece around. If, if there is resistance, there might be a reason why and there might be an invitation to look closer to go inside. Thank you for that so much. I wanna be super respectful of your time and I want to make sure that we get to talk about. Okay. So there's like these two paths of playful parenting, there's playing with your kids and then there's using play to engage cooperation. And I think that that's the one like we all know we're supposed to play with our kids, right? Maybe we do, maybe we don't. But the the using play to engage cooperation, can we talk about like what that can look like in practice and maybe how parents can get ideas because kids are so different around like the points and their routines and rhythms where they're sticking points and how they can bring playfulness in to maybe make those things go more smoothly and how play works for that, how it makes it easier for cooperation to happen?

Dajana: Yeah, I mean, I would say in general follow your child's lead. So 90% you know, when you're trying to incorporate play into like a transition or in a challenging situation, you still want to follow your child's lead. So maybe like, so 90% of it is like your child's leads, let's say your child leads the play because they have to find it playful. If they don't, it's not play. It's an order from mom or dad to engage with the legos, right? And so like whatever they kind of find playful, it has to be kind of, that had to be the foundation, but you can be the one that kind of throws the idea in there and then kind of like the crumbs, throw in some crumbs and let them come closer because you know, that that's something that maybe they've engaged with in the past that they find enjoyable. And so you're kind of like suggesting maybe very tentatively or throwing something out there or setting it up in a way that is very in incentivizing for them. And then, but it's in the context of following their lead because this is something that they would enjoy. And so, it makes it easier because of the science of a safety transitions are easier, challenging behavior gets a dampened and, reduced with play because you're introducing, they understand play as safety. And so when you need to get something done, you want to get your kids to listen and cooperate, if they go into their Amygdala, they're going to be looking at, you know, they're operating from kind of an anxious perspective. 

And your problem gonna be one of the things that looks like a predator to them and you want to get them on your side, right? You're trying to get something done, you want to get their cooperation, you want them to listen. And so always think about how, how play really, resonates as a safety message. It's a cue of safety. And so how can you introduce, you know, play and in a moment of transition again, it's gonna depend on your kid because different kids find different types of way ore, you know, interesting, different styles like somebody that's, sensory avoidant might not enjoy you like jumping out from behind the wall and, and scaring them in a funny way like, right. But other kids that are like, you know, that love like a hide and seek chase game. If you did that and then run out the door, who's going to be faster to the car to get to school, they might love that. And so it depends on your child and kind of looking at individual differences. But I think you first have to kind of observe your child outside of the context outside of this situation to understand like, what do they, what are they drawn to? What types of things do they do their peaks, their attention? What did they look up for when, when something interesting happens And then using those, strategically, use those types of plays and, and kind of again, 10% just throw in the little fishing line and wait for the fish to come because they can't resist it, right? It's, it's their language and it's queuing them for safety. 

Laura: Can I share some just examples from one of my kids who really loves? Like, so she has my youngest who's 8. She still has a hard time with transitions. They're still really hard. And so I have, I mean, and they have been for a long time. So I, I have lots of playful strategies that we use to make it through transitions. Now that she's older, she just asks for them. Mommy, I'm having a really hard time getting dressed this morning. Can you please make the clothes eat me? You know, so like when she's littler, I would make all of her clothes, eat her and they would, you know, as I put her pants on and I'd squeeze her legs. She loves sensory input. I'd go nom. nom, nom, nom, nom. And they, you know, eat her. But like, she also loves, like, little, it is very intrigued by little things moving on their own. And so, like, when it's time to clean up her legos, which is always a battle, you know, sometimes I will just go, like, lay on the floor and start moving them in a line and, like, make them hop into the bucket by themselves and I'll make them, like, make like a little like who like and look at her, you know, and then like, hop into the bucket and she'll be so delighted that she just starts doing it too. 

And then we're getting the legos cleaned up. You know, like those are, those types of things are. But you have, you, you're so right, you have to get to know your child. And I think like, it takes time to do that. You know, that's why, like in my 30 days of play challenge, I have you, I have the parents doing 10 minutes of daily play observation a day so that they can get to know their kids because play is where their kids really, you know, where they shine, where they show us what's important to them, who they are. And we can't do playful parenting if we don't know those things. So I really love that. It's 90% child led and you have to be really observant picking up on what would they, like? What would make this easier? What could make this go more smoothly for them not to manipulate them, but to just make life more enjoyable, life is meant to be lived and enjoyed and connected, you know. Yeah, I love that. 

Dajana: Yeah. And it's in the framework of like, yeah. And I think it's in the framework of like, instead of thinking like, well, they should just do what I say when it's, when kids are defiant and they resist and they're having challenging behavior, it's not because they love to live in that, in that state of stress, it's stressful for them when you're, when they pick up on signals from you that, that they're being difficult, they don't like that. They want to be in harmony with you, they want to be in connection. Because that's how they're wired, they're wired for attachment with you. And so when things are. 

Laura: Even if it seems like they like it.

Dajana: Right. Right. Yeah. And when they're having a hard time play can make it easier, because they're good people, these kids we have are all good people just like we're good people. And so when things are hard and they can't just get it together and listen, the fifth time play can help. It's like, can we give them a hand, can we reach out to them and say I'm here to help you versus, you know, staying far back and saying we're not going anywhere till you learn this all on your own, you're on your own. And again, that's not peaceful. Parenting is about supporting our kids and it's about mastery and high expectations. But people can only, you know, do things hard things when they have support and including our children. So play is just really a tool to help them get to where they want to go to. 

Laura: Yeah, I love that. Diana. Thank you so much for your time. Will you make sure that everybody can find you? I know you've got a new podcast coming out and you do a beautiful summit. I would love to you know, how do you support parents? 

Dajana: Yeah, I have a my website is delightinparenting.com and you can find all of my content on there and, and my podcast is launching in the beginning of 2024 Delight in Parenting with Dajana Yoakley. So I'm excited to share more resources on peaceful parenting, playful parenting. And just how we can bring more delight into into our households. And yeah, I support parents with a one on one coaching and I also have a new course on self compassion and peaceful parenting. And so, yeah, just working on, you know, kind of bridging the research and science of child development and neurobiology with day to day parenting and making it really practical and useful for people to apply these concepts to live more joy, joyful lives um with their kids. So, thank you so much for having me.

Laura: Dajana, I think we're kindred spirits. And so every, you know, listeners, please make sure you go check out her podcast and if she's the right teacher for you, you know, join her programs, I'm sure they're wonderful. I think it's so important that we find our teachers and find our mentors all through the course of our lives. We have things to learn and we find the right teachers at the right time. So, I hope that there's somebody listening who finds, finds you because gosh, you seem like it'd be fun to learn from. 

Dajana: Thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout out um and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too. 

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 182: How to Slow Down For a More Peaceful Life with Stephanie O'Dea

On this week’s episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, I will be joined by Stephanie O’Dea, New York’s bestselling author and the host of Slow Living Podcast. We will dive into the profound theme of purpose, slowing down, and living an intention-filled life. 

Here’s an overview of what we discussed:

  • Stephanie’s journey into slow living and parenting

  • Exploring the acronym for SLOW (Simply Look Only Within)

  • 5 Steps to Living a Slow Life

If you enjoyed listening to Stephanie’s insight into slowing down, follow her on Facebook @stephanieodea, Instagram @stephanieodea, and her websites stephanieodea.com and ayearofslowcooking.com.

Embrace the SLOW acronym—Simply Look Only Within—and consider incorporating Stephanie's five steps to living a slow life into your journey.

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, I'm really excited to be digging into the topic of purpose, slowing down and living a life, with intention and to help me with this conversation, I am bringing in Stephanie O'Dea. She is the New York Times best selling author of The Slow of, oh gosh, what is the name of your book Stephanie? 

Stephanie: That's okay. So I've, I've done. No, no, you're good and you have a cold and the fact that you're here with me bright and early in the morning is amazing and wonderful. And I think you're fantastic. I am, I'm in New York Times best selling author of Crockpot Cookbooks because that makes sense right? 

Laura: No, no, but no. I, I love that because you got started with, with your Slow Cooker, right? And now you have this beautiful podcast, Slow Living, which I love and have listened to so much and I love this idea of slowing down. I'm so glad that we're going to be talking about this topic today. So, Stephanie, why don't you just tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do and then we'll dive in. 

Stephanie: Absolutely. Absolutely. I think we have a lot of overlaps. I know you've got baby girls. I've got baby girls and I, when I kind of launched into my parenting career, I wanted to be with them more than not be with them. But we live in the Silicon Valley and I needed to work. And so I, on paper, it looked great. I was running preschool centers and my kids could come to work with me. But the youngest at the time, and I only had two at the time, she kept getting sporadically sick. So I thought it was daycare germs and I quit right on the spot. And my husband who is amazing, but he's also an engineer and likes math and spreadsheets is like, yeah, no, we, we, we need to find a way to still make money. So I am, I started writing online and I started doing some freelance writing and I had the idea to start a crockpot blog because I liked the, the tight seo search engine optimization of a recipe site, but I am not a good cook and I really just like the crock pot. And so I would plop the food in and, and I made this New Year's resolution to use my crock pot every day for a year and write about it online and it took off, it it completely and totally took off and at the end of the year, money was coming in. I was able to stay home with my babies. We realized that my youngest at the time it's totally fine now. But she had celiac disease, which is a gluten intolerance and it just wasn't as prevalent in 2006. Like, we didn't know that this was a thing then and it just kind of seems silly now. But I was talking to my brother because he has two year old and a four year old and he was going down the slide and without even thinking, I said, watch his legs, don't break his legs. He's like, I know, and I'm like, the issue is, is I have, I have a 20 year old and, and we didn't know we didn't have the internet to tell us all this stuff. 

So it was the moms on the playground talking to each other then. But, but now it just seems so ridiculous that my silly little site was the first crockpot site. But it was, and so it just sort of took off and then right around 2016, the instant pot hit the market and I was really pressured ha ha ha, pressured by my publisher and, and I know an agent to translate all my recipes. And so I bought an instant pot and I get it, I get the tech of how cool it is to cook a frozen chicken in 45 minutes, but it's not how my brain works. My brain, I'm an early riser. I wanna put stuff on, push a button and then never have to enter the kitchen again for the rest of the day. And, and so I just didn't like, I didn't like it and I felt really phony baloney. And so I had this kind of like voice of God being like so Steph just because you can do things fast, it doesn't mean you should. And I realized that that's sort of been the metaphor of my whole life without even knowing it. And so that's how the Slow Living podcast came to be. And, and what I do now, which is to write, coach, teach and speak about all things slow living. And that's how I got to know you because a lot of the way you parent and teach really overlaps to what I was doing. 

And I was just doing it by trial and error of what feels good. And so it's nice to know that there's actually science behind, behind all of the things and, and I'm, I'm happy to say my kids are older now, so they're, they're 20, 19 and then the baby is 13, but we've kind of come full circle that, that my 20 year old and, and 19 year old is like, you know what mom, you, you, you did it right? Like, like I feel, I feel good. Like, like those choices you made, like, like, like when you're in the middle of it, you don't know, you're making the right choice until after the fact of what feels good. And I'm just thankful, like, okay, we didn't over schedule you. And that was a good thing, even though the mom down the street made me feel like I was an idiot for not pushing Kumon, on my kids. 

Laura: Yeah. Okay. So that, I mean, I want to dig into all of those things. I just wanna validate for you though that in trusting your intuition, you found your way to the right space for your family. And I think that that's something that's so important that we are inundated as modern parents with information and the, you know, quote right way to do things and learning how to listen, how to tune into yourself, to slow down and really ask yourself, okay so what is my core belief here? What is it that I really feel is important for my family, for me, for my kids who are my children, who am I? You know, how do we need to move through this world correctly? Learning how to do that slow down and really tune in, I mean, it is huge and all of the research out, you know, in the world can't replicate that sense of inner knowing and rightness, you know? So I just, I, I really, you know, whenever I work with, with families, I, I understand that I'm gonna come into their life for a small period of time, walk beside them. And my hope is that they come away from that time knowing how to tune in, how to listen to themselves, how to be their own kind of source of wisdom, of inner wisdom, you know. And I think that you are similar in that.

Stephanie: I am, it's, it's really funny because I was actually joking with a friend of mine because I coach in a very similar fashion that I don't want people to need me.

Laura: Exactly. I feel like that's what the coach is doing.

Stephanie: I know it's probably horrible business models.

Laura: I agree. I, I start with, I start with them like, so you really don't need me, need me. Like I'm happy to help you. But, but yeah, when you take the time to slow down and really ask yourself open ended questions and then go quiet, your, your subconscious bubbles up with what the next right step is gonna be. And, and if you take to the internet or, or you go on TikTok or any of these, like quick fixes, it's a dopamine hit but it's not answering your core inner like, like belly like, like what do I need here? And you're not going to find the answer on tiktok. You're just not.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, you can find really great little tips and scripts, you know. But they aren't, they're, they're a placeholder. They're a band aid. They're not the, the truth that your gut and your body knows.

Stephanie: Yeah. And, and it's tricky and it's tricky. And I get the irony that you and I are recording this over the internet and I wouldn't have met you without social media. Like, like I am no saint I, I, I really am not. I, I truly am a real person and I also don't believe in one size fits all advice. So I believe in, in taking it in and then slowing down and, and filtering it. 

Laura: Filtering, yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah, I love the acronym for SLOW which is simply look only within and, and again that those answers you're seeking are not going to be found in a social media reel. They're just not, take advice and, and then tune it out for a while. I love journaling. So start journaling and then asking like, okay, so, so what is it, what is it deep down inside? What is my definition of success? What, what does a healthy, happy kid look like? The kind of kid who when they go away to college is gonna remember these kind of like life lessons that you've, you've hopefully imparted on them through throughout their years. I, I, I think sometimes it, it's, I don't know, like the best way to have well adjusted teenagers is to have well adjusted toddlers and, and you're just kind of constantly building on the same ethics and morals and teachings and don't do drugs and, and all of this stuff that you start at a very, very young age. 

Laura: Yeah. And I, I think, you know, you know, so, I, I, I would love to have this conversation. So I feel like when we think about purpose and success, we can be thinking about our definition of like, like focusing on ourselves when we feel successful as parents, as, you know, as entrepreneurs, you know, and how we define success for ourselves. And then there's also this piece of how do we define it for our kids. And, and there's, I mean, there's a lot of there can be, if we're not careful, there can be a lot of overlap there. When our kids are successful, we feel successful, you know. And so I would love to just have a conversation. I've been thinking about this a lot around how we are offered a definition of success by culture. And how do we go about redefining that for ourselves? Now, as adults, you know, I my, I have a pretty winding path. I'm giving a talk at the local university in a couple days on, on my career trajectory to undergrads who have a similar degree to mine. And I'm feeling a little, you know, because it's so I, I went the path I was supposed to go. I got in, you know, all straight A's, high test scores, good college, you know, with a famous name and realized once I got there that I had no idea who I was or what I was doing, I, I continued to push myself and find, to find things that I love, but at the same time was very defined by traditional success. 

I ended up getting a PHD along the way. And I had this moment when my, my youngest was probably three months old, I had been in a car accident while I was pregnant and I just couldn't bring myself to care anymore about my research, my program of research about the, you know, the papers I was supposed to be writing. I, I just, I really, my, like my purpose, my, I knew I needed to change my definition of success. So now that kiddo is eight now and I feel like I've just been continually like breaking it down for a long time. It doesn't, it was not overnight, you know, of what does it mean now that I'm not an academic? What does it mean? You know? So now I have this podcast, I have this business and, and they, you know, when things my life got a little rocky this past year with one of my kiddos and we're on the other side, it's, she has her autism diagnosis. We are in such a better place. But I really had to step back and, you know, I was in reading your book, I, there's this part at the beginning where you talk about what your clients tell you, they would rather be doing gardening, baking, painting, going for walks, yoga. And I was like, that was like my list and like, is it okay for me to want those things? Like, is it okay for me to not have some bigger purpose in life? You know, that I'm supposed to change the world, you know, and I think we grow up thinking we're supposed to have this big purpose and be these super successful people. And what if we just want a slow and simple life? Is that okay? 

Stephanie: Yes. Yeah. It, it's, it's really tricky. I wish I could hug you right now because you are doing all of the right things and we are programmed at a very early age because we're put into this box of school and, and in order to get gold stars in kindergarten, you've got to sit quietly and put a bubble in your mouth and raise your hand and stand in line. And that's how you win in kindergarten. And then in, in high school it's what's going to be on the test and, and you're only gonna learn what you're going to be tested on and then it absolutely and definitely through academia it, it's do this and then you get this and do this and then you get this and, and the path has been created for you by so this is where I get mean and nasty. But I always envision a group of white men sitting in a walnut flanked office and, and huge boardroom table deciding what people are going to learn. And this is how they will quote unquote, succeed in life. And, and, and maybe that's really, I don't know, cynical of me, but that is how I envision, like, quote unquote successes is a whole bunch of white men in suits deciding what that means for me. And when you're an adult, like, and when you're out of school, like, like you're just, oh, like you're just on your own now and, and I absolutely felt very floundery and, and, like, vulnerable, like, ok, well, now what do I do? Like, like in order to be a good mom? Like, like, what are the markers here? And you're right. I mean, it, it turns into like, this weird psycho competition that you're a better mom because your six month old can sit up unassisted than that six-month-old like.

Laura: It’s wild. But it's there. It's true. Yeah. 

Stephanie: And, and how, how you're feeding your baby is somehow one way is better than another way and how you're sleeping and how you're swaddling and, and whether or not you can afford the expensive car seat and I gotta tell you it's all gonna be okay and, and, and, and I I love kind of the idea of unplugging it all and going back to the roots and thinking about it. Okay. Well, well, let's think about the pioneers, like, like what did they do? They, they fed the children and they, they did what was right for them as a family and they literally didn't know what the people on the next plot of land were doing because they were only focused within, they were only focused on their own little nuclear family and, and it's tricky because we're so hyper connected right now. But I teach the five steps to slow living and number one is to declutter and, and get rid of all of the stuff that doesn't serve you and isn't making you feel good about yourself and your family and, and maybe it is taking a break from social media, maybe it is stop going to church for a while if the people at church are are shiny, perfect, happy step for type people and they're making you feel bad about themselves. But you don't know, you don't know if really there was World War 27 in the house that morning because the French braid had to be perfect like you, you don't know.

Laura: I would. Yeah. You know, I would just love to bring in some like some grace and compassion too for all of us who are parenting in this time. This like you said, this hyper connected time where we think we know what's going on in someone else's house. You know, because we're, we're looking at their Instagram stories, you know, so we think we know them and we don't, and, and it's, and there's, there is so much pressure on us to, you know, the, you know, maybe 100 years ago we were looking at our neighbors, you know, and now we're looking at everyone across the world and comparing and, you know, my one of my favorite ideas is that comparison is the thief of joy. It's one of my mom's too. It's funny that she, we both have that without talking about each about it with each other. But I do feel like I got that from her. Anyway, but I, I think it's really hard for us not to compare. I just, I feel like we are so inundated. And so I just want it for all the listeners who are listening in on this conversation right now, I just, I want you to know that it makes sense if you have found yourself caught up in the comparison game. If you found yourself a disheartened or feeling like you don't measure up or it's never enough. It, it makes sense that that's been your experience. And so with lots of self compassion, you know, Stephanie is offering a another way to be thinking about these things. So the decluttering I love that you brought in, you're bringing in these five steps though. Declutter is a first and we're not just talking about declutter physical things, right or the cluttering practices that.

Stephanie: I mean, you most certainly can. But, but it's interesting because I don't want you to like declutter with a hefty bag and then haphazardly just be in a bad mood and throw everything away because that's not mindful and purposeful. 

Laura: No, yeah.

Stephanie: So, so, so pay attention to that. And, and then number two is know where you're going and kind of know where your end goal is. And that a lot is because of how we were programmed in school. Like, like what's the next step? What's the next step? But what I would like for you to do is when you're calm and in a good mood, kind of jot down some ideas of what success looks like for you. What does an organized life look like and feel like and, and write down some adjectives and some things and then hold that off and then in teeny tiny baby steps, which is three, you're, you're just kind of making little incremental switches and changes. So, so maybe for time management, me in the future gets up an hour before my kids get up and, and maybe I'm not there yet because I still really like staying up late. So maybe, maybe for a month, it's 15 minutes earlier and then 30 minutes earlier, I think we are so sold on the, I don't know, have six pack abs in the next 10 days. 

Laura: Yeah do it now, right now, make all the changes.

Stephanie: Yeah, do it now. And, yeah, and, and just have the ideal and then teeny tiny little baby steps towards it and then, and then four is as much as you can stay present and, and stay positive and know that you'll get there when you get there and, and it's just fine. And then back to your comparison is the thief of joy. I think that's Thomas Jefferson. But I don't know.

Laura: I don't know or Roosevelt maybe. I don't know. I don't know. 

Stephanie: Oh, yeah. Well, maybe they just, well, so that's the interesting idea is I is, I really do. And this is, again, why I'm not the best marker in the world is there I don't think there's any new ideas. There's, there's solid core beliefs that, that, that change over time and, and get modernized over time. But, you know, deep down inside what the next best thing to do is for your health and, and the next best thing might be for the relationships you have in your life. And, and, and again, you're not gonna find that on social media, you're gonna find that within and then step five just to round it out in case anybody's paying attention is, is to tweak and, and to fine tune and, and filter it out in a way that makes sense to you and your family because if, if we were all the same and there was a perfect prescription. We would all look the same talk the same. We would, we would be Stepford cookie cutter like versions and, and that's not real and that's not what you want for yourself. You want your kids to have your own, their own identity, you want you to have your own identity. So in yoga, they tell you to keep your eyes on your own mat because when, well, you're gonna fall over if you, if you don't, and, and then in school kids are constantly being told to keep their eyes on their own paper. So if you have that idea of just doing the next best thing for you and not worrying about anyone else, I think you'll immediately feel calmer and unless like you're behind. And that's where that kind of hustle culture and mentality comes from is that pressure that somebody has all the answers and is doing it better than you. And that's just not true. That's marketing. 

Laura: Yeah. And, and, and, and it's not true and, and it's also okay, right? So it's okay if your neighbors, kids are in an activity every night and they can already play a sonata on the piano and, you know, they are, you know, I, that's okay for them and it doesn't have to mean anything about you. It doesn't have to mean anything about you or your kids. My kids are in a phase in their life where they want literally no after school activities, we come home from school every day and they play and that's all they do. They read a little bit and they play, maybe the one practices, you know, their, their violin maybe. But that's it. You know, and, and I get, I mean, definitely the thought enters my head. Should they be doing more? Should I be having them in lessons? Shouldn't they be in voice lessons or? You know, one's such a beautiful singer, you know, shouldn't she get back into gymnastics? And I have to then have a sit down conversation with myself where I say my kids are learning how to tune in and listen much earlier than you did. I had to learn how to do that as an adult. They're learning how to do that now they're learning to tune in and say it's too much going to school is enough and all I wanna do is play after school. They're learning how to do that. And that's a beautiful thing for an 8and an 11 year old to be able to do. I mean, gosh, I don't, I honestly know very few adults who on a regular basis know how to just tune in and listen. 

Stephanie: Yeah. Well, and it's, and it's, you're teaching proper boundary setting. Just because you get invited to all the birthday parties doesn't mean you have to go to all of the birthday parties and if if your body is tired, honor your body and you're absolutely right because learning that lesson at a young age means when you're in your thirties and forties, you already have those boundaries in place and, and you don't have that kind of, there's too much to do and not enough time to do it feeling that that most of the people who reach out to me have. So, yes, absolutely. And then I also want to to circle back around. Do you and give you gold stars when you were talking about at kind of the markers of what a, a good parent is. And how you are your own person and your child is your own person, their own person and what they can and can't do isn't a reflection of you and, and it's tricky and I, and I know you, you have this autism diagnosis and I work right now in an elementary school and I just wish I could hug all the parents that it just is what it is, it just is what it is. And, and, and there's no right way or no wrong way and, and it's not because you did this or that or, or you ate nuts when you were pregnant and that's why they have a nut allergy. Like, like, so it just, it is what it is. 

Laura: Yeah, there's this way of acceptance. Yeah. And not just acceptance, you know, like affirm affirming the, the truth of our kids, you know, so our autism diagnose, you know, my daughter's autism diagnosis has been hugely positive for us. She has really claimed that identity. She has, you know, out and proud talks about it with everyone she meets as you know, been super happy for me to talk about it on my podcast. She's just delighted to know that there's nothing wrong with her. 

Stephanie: There's nothing wrong. Yeah. So, so that's why I think this generation of parents is so much better than the previous because it just is what it is. 

Laura: It just is what it is

Stephanie: Like, it just is what it just is, what it is. I, I, many people didn't start reading until third grade and it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them and I'm just making stuff up right now. But I know, for me as a parent, it always made me very uncomfortable when someone would congratulate me for my child's success. Like, oh, so, and so graduated high school and then they come to me and they're like, congratulations and like, I just fed them and watered them. Like, like they did the hard work, like, like, like it's on them or if they have a failure or if they, they make some sort of life choice. That isn't what you I, I wanna say agree. But, but there's no shame and, and I wish that just, we could shine a light on all of that, that we're all just human around trying to be the best humans we can be and sometimes we make mistakes and, and it's okay and, and own them and if you've hurt some of these feelings, apologize. But, but there's, there's nothing that's completely and totally perfect and, and I like that you talk so much about balance because I think sometimes people think of balance as walking across a tight rope and you have to do it this way and only this way or you're gonna fall off and, and that's not real because you can, you can just crawl over like, like you'll get there. It's fine. 

Laura: Yeah. And I mean, and it's, you know what you were talking about earlier with the tweaking. I mean, that's what balance is, is constant tweaking. It's, and, and I mean, your book in your book, you talk about how your purpose should, should shift over time that we are not these people carved in stone, who we are at 20 is different than who we are at 30 who we are at 40 we're allowed to be to grow and change. There's a reason why we think about development as lifespan development because we are growing and changing over time. And so it's okay for you to be making those tweaks along the way for what you felt really passionately about in your twenties to be very different than what you feel passionately about at 40. And that and that those things are okay those speaks and, you know, and having a season in your life where you're really pouring into one aspect of, of your life and then another season where you're able to dedicate more to another. Like it's, it's okay for that to be the truth, you know, to be how it is in your life. 

Stephanie: Yeah. No, absolutely. It's interesting. So, so you read an advanced copy of a book that's not even out yet. So you read it before. No, no, you're good. I like this because again, hashtag marketing, my publisher will love this. So, so the Slow Living book will come out in the fall of what, what year are we? Is this 23? Okay, so in the fall of 24. I know, I’m not myself.

Laura: Oh, thanks for letting me read early.

Stephanie: Well, I, I'm, I'm thrilled that it resonated with you and that it's kind of coming full circle of talking about passion and purpose and stepping away from hustle culture because I think we were sort of like preached upon that you have to make money from your passion and purpose and you're doing it wrong if work feels like work and not play. So I know Warren Buffett said that a perfect life is when work is something that you tap dance to every day and it doesn't feel like work. And it's okay, it's okay to not have all of your needs met by work and, and, and separate that. So, for instance, when you're talking about the different seasons. Sometimes I have passions like putting together a fairy garden or relandscaping the backyard, but I'm not making money from that. And it's okay. And in writing this book was I poured my heart and soul into it and, and I love every bitty bit of it and it probably will do okay. And it probably will make a little bit of money. But I'm still going to keep my day job. And I'm, and I'm not gonna, like, go all in on something and then trust that the money will follow because I think that's when you feel like you're doing it wrong. So if you went to school for a certain thing and now you've got a job and your job pays the bills and your, and your job is, is funding future retirement and it's paying maybe into 529 for a kids college. But you're thinking you're a little bored and you don't want to do this anymore. Okay, but slow down and please don't haphazardly, like, quit on the spot to go knit hats for dogs down on the beach. Like, like, like there has to be a happy me like you can do, but it doesn't have to be either or. 

Laura: Yeah, I, you know, I do. So I think we're both in the, in the mom world, you know, online a lot and I think that there is a huge message out there that, you know, moms can retire your husband, you know, retire your husband and, you know, have these online businesses. And I really feel like there's, you know, there's a great podcast called Duped: The Dark Side of Online Marketing. 

Stephanie: And that sounds like right up my alley. 

Laura: Yeah, I think you would love it.

Stephanie: Kind of poking apart internet influencers because I've been online so much. A lot of people that used to, like, have, like all of this like marital advice, their marriage crumbled and all of these stuff.

Laura: No, no, I know. I mean.

Stephanie: It sounds really mean of me and I'm not like no, but I'm not poking fun. But also you, you have to be humble.

Laura: We have, well, we have this insight on being kind on, on the other side of, of having we're marketed to, right? So you and I are marketed to by business and entrepreneur coaches, right? So we're marketed to and we get sold, you know, that we can have these big flourishing businesses and retire our husbands and, and, and it really isn't true. It's very rare that those things happen and you often have to do things that don't feel good, you know. You know, so I, I feel very strongly, I'm a terrible marketer because I'm incredibly ethical in my marketing, which means, you know, and that's just how it is.

Stephanie:  Right, you’re never going to say, get, get six pack abs in the next 10 days.

Laura: Or like take this course and they'll fix all of your parenting troubles, like that's not real, that doesn't like that isn't, that's not real like that, doesn't your parenting troubles will not go away. Your kids will always have meltdowns over things like, you know. And you.

Stephanie: And in the middle of the meltdown, you will always be beating yourself up in your brain and wondering if you're doing it right? Am I creating trauma and will they end up in therapy? 

Laura: Yes, RIght. So those things don't go away. It's about how you are in them, how you navigate them, how, how, how you stay in relationship and connection in the midst of those hard times. So the hard times will be there, you know? 

Stephanie: Yeah. So it's, it's interesting because I had success with the Crockpot site and I ended up on the phone with the CEO of a very like, well known, like self help personal development brand and I'm not gonna name who it was, but he wanted me to write a, how to book on, on how to recreate my success. But I knew at the time I started the first Crockpot site and it had really tight seo because they also were gluten free recipes. And even in the course of my year of doing it, I could see my own recipes being stolen and, and repackaged and repurposed. So all these other sites started. So I had luck and I know I had luck. The only thing I did write really was I followed my gut and my intuition, which literally is the only thing I'm telling here is slow down. Follow your gut. Follow your intuition. 

Laura: Yes. Exactly. 

Stephanie: Which I believe it. But I never felt so bad about myself is when I read Tim Ferris' four hour work week because everything he said I should be doing, I was not doing and yet I had this success, but I wasn't doing it his way. So I kind of plummeted into this like, gosh stuff. You're just an idiot because you don't, this guy knows way more than you. And I don't think he does and, and, and, and.

Laura: I’m glad you came out the other side of that.

Stephanie: I, I Yes, absolutely. Well, and it's funny because later I've heard interviews of him talking about how he was actually in a really dark place and he should have had therapy and he should have done a bunch of things. So it came full circle. But another resource that acknowledges luck and you probably read it is the psychology of money when it like Bill Gates points out that yes, he created Microsoft in garage. But he was very lucky because of all of these different things. And, and when, if you're in the market for a coach or, or anything, run it through a filter of, is this real, is this a scam? Is this just a, a, a get rich kind of thing that, that, that the lizard part of my brain is just snapping at because I'm feeling desperate right now and, and I want you to be, to be thoughtful and really think about, what you're clicking on and, and what will serve you in the long run. Not just this kind of quick fix dopamine hit because that, that's what makes you feel bad. And, and really, let's think about retiring your husband. Love Adam. We've been married 25 years. I think he's great. This morning I'm trying to set up to get ready to record with you and he's in my space and he's talking to me about Christmas lists and I'm like, dude, go round out on like, like you're in my, you're in my space like you're supposed to be on the treadmill right now because that's how I planned my day and, and so to really think about.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, I, I love what.

Stephanie: What you’re being served. 

Laura: Yeah, I, I love what you're saying too that we don't have, you know, I had to, I, so I, I grew up with two parents. They were both teachers, one for whom teaching, she loved teaching, she loved working with kids, but it was not her identity. And my dad's identity was as a teacher and he was an award winning teacher, you know, invited to the White House Science Teacher of the year, you know, excellent teacher, but that was his identity. And it was really interesting to watch them retire and to watch my dad's retirement versus my mom. My mom's retirement, she's doing art classes. She's volunteering. I mean, she's doing all sorts of just fun pleasure stuff. My dad is still, you know, it, I mean, it is very, very active but he's involved in lots of things that again, build his identity and build his ego. And it's just interesting to watch those two, you know, watch that trajectory happen. And my, you know, so my husband, he's a professor and he does not feel passionately about his work. It's his job. You know, he's an accounting professor. He researches accounting, he researches taxes, which seems crazy that you can research that. But that's what he does and it's his job. His passions are ice fishing and golfing and his kids and family and hanging out with us and he's just so relaxed about it and I feel so much angst about, about, about it, you know, like I feel so much more angst than he does about. Like, I don't, I have to have a job that I feel passionate and purposeful about, you know, but I think that's because I watched my dad go through all of that, you know, go through that in his life. And I, I don't, I sometimes I just want to bake and paint. 

Stephanie: Yeah. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Stephanie: Okay. And, and I would tell you that you can do both. 

Laura: I know right. Like I can do both.

Stephanie: So both and, yeah, so, I mean, we’re recording this and then you can, you can go bake. 

Laura: I am super passionate about child development too. I'm super passionate and nerdy about those things, you know, and, and it doesn't always have to be, you know, like I just, I don't have, I don't, I guess, I don't know. I'm looking for permission to just want simple and slow. Is that okay Stephanie? Can you give me permission?

Stephanie: I am happy to give you permission. But also if your needs are met, your needs are met like, like there's milk in the fridge and you're paying your electricity bill and you've got a home and you've got a marriage and you've got kids and, and they're there and to hug you, like you're living a pretty gosh, darn awesome life 

Laura: Oh my gosh. So privileged. So lucky. 

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah. And, and in tuning out that kind of non tensy hype of order to be doing it right. You've got to take your kids to Europe every year or whatever it is that happens to be in your, in your neck of the woods and, and it's funny because before we hit record, I was telling you that I was on the phone with a coaching client who, as young kids and they went on a cave tour and like, if you're little going on a cave tour and wearing the, the, the hat with the light thing on your head, like that's amazing and, and wonderful and would create so many more memories than then, then kind of being pushed into this idyllic net. Now we're gonna fly for 11 hours and we can't talk and we have to be strapped into our seat and, and stuff. So, so really deciding what you're trying to create for your kids and what kind of memories and you can be a great parent and not do a whole bunch of things that the internet or Pinterest tells you.

Laura: I agree. Yeah and if you like those things great, do them, right? So, I like, I love.

Stephanie: Or you do it because you want to do it not because your tryna warn up.

Laura: You want to not everyone tells you to. Exactly. Like, so like I love doing really intricate gingerbread houses. It's a form of art for me. I mean, I, my husband takes the kids somewhere else and I do it by myself. I they're Pinterest worthy, they're beautiful and I like them and I in no way think anyone else should ever make one unless they want to, you know, like it's just if they want to, unless they want to. 

Stephanie: Yeah, we should. So here we, here we go. Laura, we should create a course on how to market for people who hate marketing because the whole thing, the whole, the whole hashtag is but only if you want to.

Laura: But only if you want to, you know, I mean, like that's, you know, I mean, yeah, so I like, I love having people on to my show that I feel really comfortable sending folks to, you know, so I would, you know, knowing this about you, I feel really comfortable sending folks to listen to your podcast, you know, to get your book when it comes out to explore coaching. You know, all I really want for people who listen to this podcast is to know that there is support out there that there are teachers out there for all of us and the right teacher comes in to our lives at the right time. And if that's me, wonderful, if that's you, Stephanie, wonderful. All I want is to help people find their teachers, find their guides. So why don't you go ahead and tell us where folks can find you and learn from you? 

Stephanie: Absolutely. The Slow Living podcast is in all of the podcast player apps. And then, if you're in the market for crock pot recipes, that's at ayearofslowcooking.com. And I'm Stephanie O'Dea and I'm happy to help in any way. And, my hat is off to Laura for all the amazing work she's doing. And if you have parenting questions and concerns, reach out to her, because I don't want anyone to ever feel like you're alone because any thought you've had any worry, you've had any fear you've had, someone else is out there with those same thoughts and feelings and Laura can help you navigate them. Absolutely. 

Laura: Oh, thanks, Stephanie. All right. Thanks for being here with us. I really appreciate you sharing your wisdom. 

Stephanie: Absolutely. Thanks for having me.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 181: How To Become More Intentional and Present in Your Parenting with Holly Swenson

In this podcast episode, we dive into how to become more intentional and present in parenting. Our guest is Holly Swenson, BSN, RN, a mother to four sons, a wellness blogger and the author of the book “Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow”. 

Here are some of the topics we covered in this episode:

  • How parents struggle to “let it be” and “let it go” and the concept of surrender in parenting

  • Steps and examples on transitioning from feeling stuck to soft surrender 

  • Tips for self-care challenges for moms with young children

  • Holly’s framework “Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow”

  • Mindfulness and meditation in parenting and the importance of mindful practices

  • Balancing self-care with parenthood for personal growth

  • Guidance for parenting and self-identity

  • 5 Rights of Parenting

If you wish to connect with Holly Swenson, visit her website liveyourglow.live, and follow her on Instagram @hollyswenson.

Remember, from Holly's insights on surrender to the transformative power of mindfulness, there are endless ways to deepen the connection with your children while nurturing your own growth.

Resources: 


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be talking about how it's become more intentional and present in your parenting with Holly Swenson. And she's got a great book out called Stop Drop, Grow and Glow and we're gonna dig right into it. So Holly, welcome to the show. I'm so happy to have you here. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do? 

Holly: Yes. Thank you so much for having me. Laura. I'm grateful to be here. I am an author on the rise and really on a mission to bring more wellness, joy and intention to parenting and beyond. And for me, I have, I was formally trained as a, an RN BSN, RN. I have four beautiful sons who are teaching me every day, 

Laura: They are best teachers, right? 

Holly: I'm a wellness blogger and I always say I'm a perpetual student of life because I love just this concept of continually learning. So that's a quick, quick backdrop of who I am and what I'm doing. 

Laura: Okay, so Holly off the cuff question, what is something you've learned? Like most recently, the like most recent thing you learned, whether it's a small fact from your child or that kind of lit you up? 

Holly: Well, you know, I, I think for me something that I don't know, just the first thought that came to my mind when you ask that question is I think so I, you know, having four kids as roommates, you know, I'm always finding fun treasures around the house and I had a moment where I went down to pull silverware out of my drawer and I opened the drawer and there was silverware everywhere. Like it wasn't, you know, the forks and the forks that, you know, the, the knives and the spoons, they were, you know, whoever had emptied the dishwasher had just like, thrown them in the drawer. And I, I used that moment to really, like, find humor and smile about, you know, the path of what it means to be a parent and, and taking a moment to really just infuse that, like, even though that's something very simple. But I think when you're dealing with kids and you've got all these different things that, you know, these little fires you're putting out or different things, you're trying to mold and help your kids to, you know, to figure out. I really took that moment to smile, in a moment that could have been like, oh, why did they not put, you know, these things away right. I'm trying to, to find more joy in the things that are like letting go of things that really don't matter as much. So, does that make sense? So, really trying to find the humor in, in things that are, that you can just let go of. That's, that was my, my recent lesson. 

Laura: Yeah. No, I feel like what you're saying is, you know, there's, the world has handed us so many shoulds that we wear like weights around our necks and then having an opportunity to shift into curiosity and into delight, that pause, that moment of, okay, so the spoons are not in the right spot, but who says there's the right spot? And what else is true when I look at this drawer? You know, so like I'm just imagining your kids unloading the dishwasher and trying to do it as fast as they can so they can get back to LEGO or get outside to help dad rake or you know, just I'm just imagining kind of what that rushed job of putting the spoons and forks and cutlery away was also a representation of. And I love that invitation to start shifting the way we view those lens, you know, view those things, the lens through which we view all of these little mundane things that you know, can cause a hiccup or cause like cause us to have a moment of uncomfortable, you know, of, of negative feelings when we could be accessing some positives. And not that it's bad to have those negative feelings, but it's interesting to think about that that way. Thank you. 

Holly: Yeah, just putting a spin on something like thinking about it in a way that you know, it's like this is the work I'm here to do and yes, I have to, you know, help guide them in the right direction. But sometimes I just, like, let it be what it is. 

Laura: Yeah. Let it be what it is. I think that that's really hard. Why do you think that's so hard for us to just let it be and let it go? Well, I think we have a lot of societal conditioning that makes it hard for us to let go. 

Holly: You know, I think we have these, like, storybook images of what, you know, what it's supposed to look like and feel like. And you know, life really doesn't always follow the story book. And so I think that you have to just learn to meet life, you know, where, where it is like just head on, you know, and as joyful as you can and, and not every moment will be joyful. But I think when you, when you can just let go and I, you know, I love the word surrender. And so I think with parenting, you know, you're asked to surrender in a lot of instances. And so I think when you can just practice that, it will help you.

Laura: Talk to me. Yeah, talk to me a little bit more about surrender. I love that word. I had a, when I was birthing my kids, I had a stone that had surrender carved into it that I used as kind of a, a focal point. I feel very curious about kind of what that word means to you. What it means to surrender as a parent.

Holly: I really, ultimately, I think surrender for me is it, is that practice of letting go and trusting that you're on your journey for a reason. And, and, and also like, I think, you know, for me too, it's like letting go of some of the control that you think you have to like, manage so much all the time. I mean, you are doing a lot of managing, but I think sometimes you can just, you know, for me that the word that's showing up a lot is softened, like just soften in those places, maybe where you feel tension or where you feel stressed and kind of surrender to, to what life is asking you and, and it with a little more gentility and grace. And so for me, that's kind of what's ringing true for surrender, at least at this point in my life. 

Laura: Yeah. You know, for this past year, you know, I went through a really hard year personally and with one of my kids and I felt very brittle and the way you're talking about softening and surrendering feels like it could be an antidote to that brittleness. You know, that just like any little, the next little thing is gonna crack me or break me versus becoming a little bit more supple, a little bit more resilient. And I, I feel like I'm in that place now, I'm trying to think about how I got there through a lot of rest. You know, just a lot of rest. What are some ways for folks who are feeling, feeling really stuck in that kind of brittle, hard, easy to crack. You know, one last straw is gonna break our back kind of in that place to move from that place of. I can't even say the words but, you know, to a more soft and supple surrendered place. How can we like? What are the steps to get there? 

Holly: Well, I mean, I think it will look a little different to each person, but I think the first step is self awareness and knowing that that's where you're at in life. Like having that consciousness enough. Like, wow, I'm in a space that's maybe not where I really want to be. But I, you know, so I think having that awareness is really a good first step. And then I also really value the importance of self care and taking time for yourself every day because I think a lot of parents especially feel, you know, worn down or they're, you know, like you said, like the word brittle, you use the word brittle just because we're always, we are always on. And so you don't have that like rest and reset time to really nurture yourself. But I think that if you start cultivating more, you know, time for yourself, so maybe it's meditation, maybe it's, you know, making time for more exercise or whatever it is that helps you find your reset button, making time to take care of yourself a little bit every day and maybe it's just breathing, maybe it's five minutes and that's all you have. But taking a moment to intentionally sit down and breathe or just practice awareness, there will help you to start finding more softness in your life. And also maybe finding more gratitude for those hard parts that are teaching you lessons that you don't always want to learn, but that you're being asked to learn. 

Laura: Can you give me an example of what that looks like for you? 

Holly: Well, I think, you know, dear, I don't know that I have like a great example to pull from, but I think it's just, you know, I mean, maybe it's a conflict you're having with your, with your kiddo or maybe, you know, you know, cell phones are a big hot button issue with, you know, with older kids, you know, that you're, you know, your kids want, you know, trying to balance screen time or, you know, that sort of thing. And so it's a, it's an area that creates some tension, I think for a lot of families. And so I think a like, I also believe in good boundary setting. So teaching your kids healthy ways to engage with, you know, like if we're talking about cell phones, like how do you set boundaries where, where it feels good to you and to them and that's not always you're not always going to drive there, but how do you, you know, help them form, you know, healthy habits with, with electronics or, you know, with their device and then how, how can it also help you not have to feel like you have to micro manage everything they are doing, if that makes sense, so

Laura: Sure, yeah, you know, I'm thinking about myself how I moved through this most recent time period. I think I had to give myself just okay, so what is one thing I can do that I can, I know I can do on a regular basis. I really had to find that just like the like the like the lowest, the lowest possible fruit on the tree to that I could pluck regularly. I mean, for me, it was getting back into therapy, into regular therapy, like regular sessions with my therapist in the past in other moments of brittleness kind of in my life. It's been making time for 30 minutes of daily movement. Usually yoga. I just like getting into my body. I have felt incredibly privileged and blessed with a partner who really prioritizes my health and well being and makes that time super available for me. And I do that for him too. That's part of our, you know, relationship. I feel very curious, you know, I think that moms feel we hear a lot make time for self care and then the reality of doing that is so hard. Do you have any tips for, for moms who are maybe in that place where they know they need it. They, they're having that brittle feeling and like to, just to get those five minutes to even because, I mean, you know, I know that people say we all have the same number of hours in the day. But, I mean, to the mom with, you know, 3, 4 kids, you know, under all, under 5, you know, it's, it's feels like a lot. It feels very hard. 

Holly: Yes. So, so here's my advice and, you know, we have four boys and, you know, they're getting a little older now but um they're all at home and, you know, for me where I found that I can really tap into some of my own self care is sometimes it's early in the morning before my family even gets up. And I know that that sometimes doesn't feel the best, you know, depending on what your habits and rhythms are. Like, not everybody loves getting up early in the morning. But, you know, for me that's where I can fit it in, you know, on days that are really busy and I really, like, don't have time during the day. It's like, okay, I try to make, you know, 15 to 30 minutes to, you know, sit and find some quiet space or, you know, if you're a night out, maybe you do it after your kids go to and then you take some time to do something that fills your cup and again, I think it's, it comes down to practice, you know, because I think it can be easy to resist or put it off or like, you know, you need it, but, oh, you know, I'll do it. 

Laura: Why do we do that? 

Holly: I don't know because we don't feel good. I mean, it's, you know, we pay the price. So I also think it's part of, it's just, it's practice and it's making it your habit and once it, of your habit then it feels easier to access. 

Laura: Yeah. I, I mean, that makes complete sense. You know. So, for so long my kids have always been early risers and for so long they went to bed early and now they're older, they're 11 and 8.5 and they stay up until like 8, 8:30 sometimes 9, you know, because they're reading and everything and I used to have in my head, you know, before this was a really rough transition for us because before we put them to bed they'd stay in their rooms and my husband and I had an hour or two every single night for ourselves. You know, we'd get to, you know, hang out, talk on the couch, I'd maybe do some painting. I mean, we would just get to have our time and when they started to stay up late all of a sudden, my husband and I were like, wait a second. What about us? 

Holly: What happened to our time, our sacred hour?

Laura: Our sacred time. And, you know, and then I, I, we have, we have the neighbor kids that my kids love to play with. And I was starting to feel really lonely for my kids because normally they would come home and stay home with us. But now they've been running off with the neighbor kids and I started thinking about, okay, so now they're in this new stage, they're becoming a little bit more peer oriented, that's really developmentally appropriate. They're staying up later. Now, I need to take that hour that they're off playing with their friends that I normally would have with them and have that for me, my time for myself. And then, you know, I don't need it when they go to bed. But I, I think that like, as our kids age, as they move into new developmental stages, we need to be flexible with, you know, like, so if we've gotten really creative when they're young and then they grow, then all of a sudden, you know, we're bereft because we're, we've lost, you know, the, the things we put into place, we have to be flexible and creative in making new space for ourselves as our kids, you know?

Holly: Absolutely. I totally believe that. And, and also too, I mean, sometimes it can be even as simple as like penciling in, like, looking at your week and penciling it in, like, something on your calendar so that it makes you more drawn to do that, like, make space for yourself to. Okay,I see. I have an hour here, like, like you said, like, shifting it to, like, when you're, you know, your kid is out playing with his friends, like, that's your window. And so really just, you know, making, you know, time to take care of yourself, it's so important, It will make you a better parent. 

Laura: Yeah, absolutely. I, I have also found for myself that having, having it as a part of like my, not just scheduled with myself but scheduled with someone else, like attending a Zumba class or attending an art class, having it in my calendar, something I've signed up for and paid for really helps me make those things a priority, you know. So I have a, my Monday morning Zumba class that I love. I have a Wednesday morning yoga class that's in person that I love. I have regular painting classes at an art center that I love to go to and having those things where people are expecting me to be there. And if I'm not there, they're like, where were you? We missed you. That feels really good and make and helps me make myself a priority. 

Holly: That's amazing. So, you're doing, you're doing some really good work. I think it's fabulous. 

Laura: I mean, it's not easy though. And again, there's privilege there, you know, I have the financial privilege of being able to, to work in those spaces. I have the, you know, the time privilege of having a partner who is able to be home with the kids during those times. There's lots of privilege that goes into it. Yeah. Okay, so I would love to, to talk a little bit about your, your framework that you talk about in your book. Can we do that? 

Holly: Absolutely. 

Laura: Okay. 

Holly: Yes. So, you know, I created a framework and my framework is actually in my title, Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow. I, I wanted it to be something that was kind of easy to access and remember. And, and so, you know, the, the ultimate, you know, premise is that I, I'm hopeful that it will help, you know, really revolutionize the way you parent and, and help parents align with who they want to be and how they show up for their family. Like that's really, I just want to create more wellness in the world. And so that was really, you know, kind of what this is rooted in. And so Stop is really about assessing where you are to date both as a parent, but also as an individual because I think it's important to take stock of both and not, you know, I think as parents, we kind of, we take everyone else's stuff on and sometimes we forget our own identity. And so I think it's important to separate the two and do some, just some internal gazing on what's going well in your life. And maybe if you have some sticky parts that aren't going well, maybe just, you know, kind of curl up with those and, you know, figure out, you know, how you can make improvements or, you know, where you need to put in a little more work to, to get to where you want to be. And if, and if you feel like you're on track and things are going well, then that's, that's also, you know, that's also helpful to have that your own internal feedback of like, you know what I'm on track and things are going well. So I I, for me it's the first, you know, the first area is Stop to just stop and check in with you. 

Laura: I really liked that phrase, internal gazing that just felt very delightful. I feel like so much we like we put so much scrutiny and pressure and judgment on ourselves and you're talking about something completely different. You're talking about open, curious noticing, you know, within ourselves. Yeah, that feels so much better. 

Holly: I'm glad that lands well, you know, and again, these are just really brief, there's a lot more depth to it, but I'm just want to give, you know, drops of what, you know what this entails. And so Drop is really working to, to drop any drama, trauma or personal past lived history that's keeping you from living in the now and, and really like, kind of holding you back from stepping in to, you know, being in the present. And I think when you have those things in life that are kind of pulling you away from really showing up, you know, for yourself and for your family or, or even the outside world in a way that where you feel distracted or kind of fractured. I think, I think it's important to just do some work on yourself to see if there are any areas that, that it feels like, oh, that's kind of ringing a bell, you know. Oh, maybe that really, I never thought about it but it's, it's more of an opportunity to, again, cultivate curiosity but, but also to maybe do some deeper work if there are things in your life that you feel like need some attention, you know, I do, so.

Laura: And so you're not just talking about like pushing them aside, ignoring them, kind of that kind of, I don't know, uber positive, like just let that go. It's in the past you're talking about. Okay, so if we're really going to drop them, we need to do the work so that we can shed them. 

Holly: Absolutely. It forget it. It doesn't mean forget it, but it means not letting it take away from what you have to give because even if we think we like, oh, well that happened, you know, it's, it's like, okay, wait a minute. It's still there, it's still breathing. And I just, I think when you reach a certain point in life and you're ready to put the work in and, and releasing in a healthy way, I think it will help you step into more wellness. 

Laura: Okay. And so what are some of the ways that folks can go through the process of, of dropping other than therapy? 

Holly: Well, I mean, sometimes, you know, some of this work is really done, you know, even on your own, I mean, you don't even necessarily, sometimes, you know, there are things in like where a therapist is really valuable and, and can be that sounding board that you need to really work through things because some of the some of life's, you know, everyone's journey is different and so sometimes having that outside resources invaluable, some of this stuff you can work through on your own. And, and, and then I think it's also like in terms of looking at, you know, some of your, you know, like maybe your family, your family lineage, you know, are there areas that you want to, you know, maybe certain things in your childhood you really love, but maybe there were certain things that were, you're like, wow, I don't want to pass this on to, to the next generation. So I wanna shift out of, you know, what was familiar to me so that I can create a healthier platform for my children as they grow and then raise the next generation. So there's some depth to it for sure of, of really getting in there and doing, you know, I think getting creative and creative and curious again, I think, you know, I think it's important. 

Laura: I really love internal family systems work and like inner child work for that process, you know, that you're discussing, I really love digging into those things and like connecting to the art in our world or our, our part to carry all of our stories and do all of our meaning making. I, I like getting to know those parts because so often they're running the show kind of behind the scene, you know, and then once we get to know them, hold them to the light, ask them what they need, how we can support them. They, they allow us to stop acting from old wounds, you know, and kind of be more available to the present and the now. So I really like that. 

Holly: Yeah. Thank you for that and then Grow is it's really learning to expand your awareness and as a parent and lean on habits that will support and nourish you on a deeper level. And so again, you know, I think it's always an individualized journey of what calls to you for what that means. But for me, like, you know, mindfulness practices such as meditation. So, but I've made meditation a big part of my life and I try to make time to, to create space in that, in that way for me because it helps me to find my peace. 

Laura: What kind of meditation do you do? 

Holly: You know? So I kind of like, I'll just do like a mindfulness meditation or I'll sit and even infuse like a little bit of prayer into my, like, it's more of like a gratitude prayer of like just being, you know, like remembering all the things I have to be grateful for or wishing the world well, you know, I think we're living in challenging times. And so I try to, like, put my good energy out into the world in a way that I hope it is helpful. I think, I believe, you know, energy, it's powerful. I think where you put your thoughts and your attention. So I try to create a space of goodness for myself and then hopefully for, you know, for my family and for the world, like, that's my time.

Laura: How did you get started on mindfulness and meditation? 

Holly: Yep. So I, for me, I, I actually, when my, I was probably seven or seven or even close to eight years ago. Now that I went, I went actually to a wellness retreat and it was then that I realized like, I really hadn't taken the time to like stop or be still like, I, I just was like, always running like with my, my, my head, you know, we have four kids and we started with twins and we had 1, 12 months later. So it was like having children. And so it was really a lot. And so I just, I just hadn't really taken a break. And so taking this wellness journey for me, it showed me the importance of getting quiet, of making space in your life to find stillness and honor your, you know, who you are and what you bring. And so that was kind of what really set me on the path of making more time in my life. And I'm really grateful that that, that landed for me. 

Laura: I feel like lots of the folks that I talked to about mindfulness or meditation, they feel really confined by the need to do it, right. And I'm kind of curious if you had that process as you started to make kind of your mindfulness, practice your own and individualize it for yourself and any tips for people who are, I don't know, looking for permission to kind of just do it the way that's right for them. 

Holly: Absolutely. I, I think you should take the stress element out of it. You're not, there's no wrong way to meditate. You know, I think it's, it's really about, you know, it can even be as simple as counting numbers, you know, to keep you keep your mind like from thinking about, you know, it could be 1, 2, 1, 2 or like a sweet mantra, you know, something that's that helps keep your mind focused on just being in the present. But, you know, or you can do a guided meditation. You could even, there's so much online you could put on something, you know, on your phone. 

Laura: Spotify has so many great guided meditation. 

Holly: So there's a ton out there. Like if you are like, I'm not feeling creative or I can't stay on track, put on something that helps keep you, you know, supported in your meditation. It can be, you know, there's, there's a lot available that now that, that never used to be. 

Laura: So as I've been dabbling with, I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and as I've been kind of dabbling in accepting my neurodiversity and understanding why sometimes mindfulness is so hard for me. It's because I have an interest based n nervous system. And I have found that guided visualizations are like my joy when it comes to things where the, you know, the person speaking takes you on this journey where you're in your mind, kind of constructing a world that as you follow along. Oh, I love that. 

Holly: Yeah, those are powerful.

Laura: And my nervous system loves them. And, you know, I think that there is, I think that there's some idea that those aren't, you know, real meditation, real meditation is sitting in silence with a blank and empty mind. And of course, we know that that's not true, you know. 

Holly: Absolutely. And that's again where I think you individualize it, like what feels good to you in your body and like, I love that you say, like, that is your jam. Like that's what makes you feel like nourished and like, and to be able to go on these creative journeys where, you know, it's, it's pretty powerful, like where your mind will take you sometimes. And so I think that that's giving yourself freedom to also try on different meditations. Like, if you're curious about it, you've never done it to, to like maybe try a few different types. One like strikes your fancy. 

Laura: Yeah, I love that. Okay, and then what about the Glow piece of things? 

Holly: Yes. You know, so Glow, oh I wanted to just mention a couple of other things about, you know, because I talk about mindful practice. But I also wanted to say like, I really want to drive home the importance of getting good sleep like for, you know, as parents as much sleep as you can possibly get and for your kids like making it a priority in your life because sleep will change your life for the better if you make time for it. And then I also wanted to just talk about the importance of eating good food, like eating, eating as you know, clean whole foods as often as possible to keep your system balanced and, and you know, really able to function at an optimal level. I think diet is such an important part of your health. And so I wanted to mention that. And then the lastly in this section, I'm just going to mention the importance of learning from your children. You know, for me, my children have taught me more about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, my capacity to love and my desire to grow, change and persevere than any other humans to date. And I think that while we're teaching our kids, you know, we're raising them up. I think we also need to value what they're teaching us and they're, they're showing us where we still have work to do as well. And so I just in this grow section, I just want to give a shout out to our kids for all that they bring to the table. 

Laura: Yeah, I think that that's so important, you know, it's, they're just being themselves, they're just being kids. You know, that certainly isn't their job to help us grow. But they, they do it so beautifully, don't they? And I mean, just being open to the invitation is, is so good, so important because I think it would be easy to miss so many opportunities when we stay stuck and rigid in that, you know, that we don't have any room to grow, that we don't have any room to learn. But we know best. It's my way or the highway. Like we, we really miss out on so much richness in life. 

Holly: I totally agree. 

Laura: Yeah. Beautiful.

Holly: And then, and then Glow is really, you know, you know, kind of taking what you learned from my framework and applying it. But, but within this, there's also I, you know, we kind of already touched on it. But the need for self care, I believe that self care is not selfish, that it's really a necessary tool to help you thrive as a human being. And when you make that time for yourself, it will help you to glow and, and you know, be as radiant as you can be. And I think we need to reframe, you know, what self is and really support people in finding that in their lives, especially parents who don't have a lot of time for it. 

Laura: There's something, oh, sorry, I was just going to ask that. So there's something that you talk about kind of taking care of yourself as a person so that you can be a better parent. And I wonder if we can just talk about that a little bit because I think sometimes when we become parents, it's like we put that the person of ourselves off to the side, they sit on the shelf and they're just going to hang out on the shelf until our kids are 18 and then we'll get to be them again. And I really love the invitation to, to bring that person into the here and now and that we get to be a full person regardless of our parents status. Can we talk about that a little bit?

Holly: Absolutely. I, yeah, I believe it's so important to keep nurturing who you are as a person and not put that on pause for 18 years because that's not healthy because when you, when you stuff yourself down, you're not able to, like, it's, it's, it's such a gift you give your kids when they can witness you being who you are. You know, like if you're living out your dreams or I, I talk about the importance of, of, of keep dreaming as a parent because I, you know, I think when they witness that, it also inspires them and it will teach them that when they become parents, they can still, you know, achieve these things that are important to them. And, and being a parent for me has been like the biggest job I've ever taken on and in such a joy. And I mean, it's all of the emotions. And so I think for me like being a mom comes first, but I am stepping into some of these other areas where I'm, you know, I wrote a book and I was able to do these things and be of service in a way that's really meaningful to me and filling my cup in, in a different way than being, you know, being a mom. And so, and, and one, you know, I, like I said, being a mom is number one for me, but it's really also awesome to be able to nurture some of these other areas in life for me that are helping me achieve things that feel meaningful. And I just can't, you know, drive that the importance of that home enough that whatever that is for you to make time in your life for it. 

Laura: Yeah. You know, I think that lots of the parents, I talked to feel a little lost in knowing even who they are now that their parents, you know, those early years of motherhood shift so much in our identity, so much changes and then we have this kind of untethered feeling, you know, where we don't really know who we even are anymore as we kind of emerge out of the baby years and into the toddler years and we get catch a breath and we look around and we don't even know ourselves. Do you have any guidance for parents who are there and who are looking to find out? Okay. Wait a second now, who am I again? 

Holly: Yeah. Well, I mean, again, I think it goes back to that like awareness thing. Like first of all, like realizing like, wow, I haven't thought about who I am for, you know, three years like, wow, you know, so I think it is just like about sparking your own, you know, sparking that thought of like, how have I put myself on pause? And what is it going to take for me to regain who I am? And my own identity and while being a parent at the same time? So I think it’s. 

Laura: And while being compassionate towards ourselves, right? Because it makes so much sense that we put ourselves on pause, the world and the culture that we're in tells us that we matter so little, you know. And that’s not true.

Holly: Yeah, you are, you're so immersed in being with your kids and your babies and trying to do the best job that you can for them. And so I just, I think it is just touching base with, with who you are and, and you know, in this podcast like this where maybe it plants the seed of like, oh, wow, maybe that is where I am and, and I, you know, I haven't thought about that but maybe I need to, you know, take a minute for myself to figure out what my priorities are and where I am and who I am matters. 

Laura: Yeah. And, you know, it's something that I've been thinking about a lot with, in regards to my own mom. So I, I've noticed that she has retired and has kind of fully like stepped into her hobbies and what kind of what she loves to do. It's been just really interesting to get to know her on a, like, I don't know, like a more adult to adult relationship. And I, I think about how delightful that is and how impossible that would have been for me to really understand as a kid. And yet she probably already, like, had those things going on that I just had no awareness of. And that's been really helpful for me to think about with my own kids now that I can have these parts of myself that maybe they aren't even aware of because they're young and they're self centered and then their kids and that's just, that's, their focus is on themselves and growing up as it should be. And, you know, maybe they'll look back on their childhood as adults and see the, the glimmers of the person that is me, you know, woven in throughout there, you know.

Holly: Absolutely. And that's kind of the joy of life and, and I think also just hitting these different stages in life and then being able to reflect and look and see, see now what you didn't see then, you know, and in that, I think it's really cool. 

Laura: I agree. Yeah. Okay. I did wanna ask you, you know, I, I wanna be respectful of your time but within your, in the stop section of your book, you brought in the, the Five Rights of parenthood and I feel or of parenting. And I, I felt super curious about it. So this comes from your world as a nurse. Why don't you just explain a little bit about that and share them with us? 

Holly: Sure. Yeah. So this was kind of a spin off. So there's something called the five rights of the medication administration, which it's, you know, it's a quick way to make sure you're, you know, you're giving the right medication at the right time. It's the right dose, you know, those sorts of things. And so for me, I wanted to put a parenting spin on it and create something that would be kind of easy to recall for, for parents to like, kind of do a quick self assessment of themselves. And so that was kind of how this took shape. And so I'll run through them briefly with you and, and, you know, again, I think it's, for me, it was really just a way for, for parents to be able to touch base with how you're presenting as a parent. And so for the first one is right now, so it's learning to be in the moment, not distracted doing, you know, three other things. I mean, you're going to have moments in life where you are working or you, you know, you're busy and you can't give your child your full attention. But I think it's important to carve out time that's devoted to being present and they feel that they feel when you're like, all in with them or when you're like, mom's kind of here, but she's kind of doing, you know, three other things and not really like, you know, as available as she could be. And so I think I just want, I wanted to plant that seed for people of what does that mean, to show up right now for your, for your family. And number two is right, intent. And so this is really being intentional with the choices, the choices you make, the guidelines you set and how you're treating your child. Like how, you know, what does that look like for you? I think, you know, if you don't know why you're doing what you're doing, maybe you should, you know, reflect.

Laura: Take a pause.

Holly: Take a pause, you know, so really just curl up with like, okay, you know, are you showing up in a way that you want to be showing up? And then the third one is the right use of speech. And I really believe that your voice is a tool of creation. And so it can create either a positive tone or a negative, you know, mood depending on where you're at. And, and so I think that it's a critical component of effective parenting is really learning how to speak in a way that you want to be speaking again. This comes down to like being conscious. Okay. Like, oh, you know, and you're going to misspeak at times, you're going to say things that you wish that you're like, oh man, I wish I hadn't said that or, and that's part of being human. I mean, we all make mistakes, we all say things we're like, oh, I wish I hadn't said that, but for whatever reason you did. And so I think it's just, you know, practicing self compassion, but also trying to get more intentional with how you are speaking to the ones you love. And then the fourth one is the right use of power. And so you, you know, as a parent, you are the guiding light for your child and you are the one who decides on discipline, you set boundaries and you have the final say on whatever issue arises, you know, during the 18 years that they are under your roof. And so I, I wanted to really just create again this, like we plant the seed of like how are you showing up and how are you using power in your family? What does this look like? 

Laura: Yeah. The idea of power with rather than power over with our kids. Yeah. 

Holly: Yeah. And then the last one is the right use of love. And so this one is my favorite. I really believe that love is the cure for all that ails us, parenting and beyond. And so I believe that you should tell, you know, tell your children you love them as often as you can because it matters and it makes a difference for them and it makes them feel valued and supported and, and cared for and, and even, and I, I think I also mentioned, you know, even as they get older and maybe they don't tell, you know, say it back to you the way you wish they would, they still feel it coming from you and it makes a difference. So.

Laura: Yeah, absolutely.

Holly: Given that love. 

Laura: Yeah. And I mean, probably too, like if you were using this as a self assessment, like, am I using love unconditionally or am I attaching strings to it? You know, just maybe out of habit or, you know, because I've got my own stuff going on and do I need, you know, what do I need to do to release those strings? So am I making, you know, the proper use of love? And I really like that. I also really love in the, if we're using it as an assessment, the right now, like which now am I in, you know, am I fully present or am I being led by the past or led by the worries about the future? You know, like what story am I living? You know, it's and situating myself and my, as my voice coming from the past, you know, maybe my mom's voice is falling out of my mouth, you know, like those I really love, I love this approach, these, those five, you know, just check ins because it's, I think we all get the hint when we are kind of stepping outside of our values and parenting. But it's really hard to have, you know, to kind of know what to do with that when we get that kind of like, oh, I don't feel right and having a like a five step things. Okay these are the five things I'm gonna check in, you know, right now, right? Intent, right? Speech, right? Power, right? Love, you know, like just I really like having that brief check in. So I appreciate you sharing that with us so much. 

Holly: Thank you. Thank you so much. 

Laura: Absolutely. All right. So where can folks go to learn more from you and follow you? 

Holly: Yes. So you can visit me online at liveyourglow.live and, and then I have got links to Instagram and Facebook. And then you can, you know, my book is available anywhere you buy your book, your book. So, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, all those great platforms. And then my book also just launched on audible and anywhere you buy your audio books. 

Laura: Oh lovely.

Holly: So for busy parents who don't have time to open a book. I wanted to create a platform that felt easy and accessible. 

Laura: Is it your voice on the book? 

Holly: It's my voice. Yes.

Laura: Lovely. I bet that was lots of fun to record. 

Holly: It was good, yeah, it was great.

Laura: Cool. Alright. Well, thank you so much, Holly, I appreciate what you're putting out into the world. 

Holly: Thank you very much. It was a pleasure to visit with you. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 180: What's Really Going On with ADHD with Dr. Connie McReynolds

I am excited to share the latest episode of my podcast, where we will be delving into ways to determine how to support our children with ADHD and a new way of understanding what’s really going on with these kiddos.

In this episode, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Connie McReynolds. She is a Licensed Psychologist, a Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, and a Certified Vocational Evaluator with more than 30 years of experience in rehabilitation counseling and psychology. Dr. Connie is the founder of Neurofeedback clinics in Southern California specifically in Redlands and Rancho Cucamonga and the author of a beautiful book called “Solving The ADHD Riddle.”

Here are some of the takeaways:

  • How ADHD is diagnosed and develop a plan for support

  • Misconceptions and stereotypes of folks with ADHD

  • The role of auditory and visual processing in ADHD and effective interventions

  • Understanding how neurofeedback can support folks with ADHD

  • Ways for parents to support children with ADHD at home 

  • Screen time impacts for ADHD kids and the difference between high-impact and low-impact video games

  • Understanding why busy environments or background noise enhance focus and concentration

If you enjoyed listening to Dr. Connie’s insights on ADHD in children, you can stay connected with her and learn more about her services. To connect with Dr. Connie, visit her website conniemcreynolds.com and connect with her on LinkedIn @conniemcreynolds, Instagram @drconniemcreynolds and Facebook @drconniemcreynolds

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be diving into how to figure out how to support our kiddos with ADHD, particularly those kiddos for whom the traditional approaches and interventions like medication and behavioral approaches don't work. I'm bringing on a guest who I'm so excited to talk to. She's written a beautiful book called Solving The ADHD Riddle. Her name is Dr. Connie McReynolds. Dr. Connie, welcome to the show. I'm so excited to have you. 

Dr. Connie: Oh, thank you so much for being here. Love having me here. It's just great and I look forward to our conversation today. 

Laura: Me, too. Why don't you tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do? 

Dr. Connie: Thank you. So I just want to say I used to live in Madison, Wisconsin. So that was a long time ago. It's where I actually did my doctorate work at UW Madison. So I lived in the same town that you live in. So it's kind of a kindred spirit feeling here. And so thank you so much for having me on. 

Laura: Oh, I love that.

Dr. Connie: And really, so my career actually, I sometimes joke about it starting second grade a long time ago because my mother taught second grade for 32 years in the same classroom. And one of the things that as I was writing this book, a story came up that I had long ago forgotten about, but clearly had left an indelible mark on me, which was, she had a little boy one year who couldn't learn how to read and he was struggling and couldn't sit in his chair, there's all kinds of things going on. And so she over the summer took him to a teaching center at a university that was about 45 miles away each way. And they diagnosed him with something back in those days was not well heard of or learned about which was dyslexia. And so with that diagnosis and their health, they were able to figure out how to teach him how to read. And he went on and had a great life. 

And then as my life unfolded in career, I became a rehab counselor. And the beauty of that profession is that while we may look at diagnostic information, we're always looking for the strengths, the abilities of the person. And we're looking for ways to mitigate problems. And so that was the foundation that I used when I went in to get my degree in Rehabilitation Psychology, which likewise was a similar approach, which you can have diagnostics, but you really need to have a plan to help someone because the label really doesn't do it. So I taught in academics for 25 years and that was really the philosophy that I brought to the classroom. When I taught psych rehab, I taught drug and alcohol rehab, I taught a host of counseling classes which is the diagnosis may get a person in the door, but it doesn't tell you anything about the person. So you need to figure out who the person is. 

Laura: I really love that Connie. You know, a lot of the folks that I work with are either thinking about entering the diagnosis process or worried about entering it and getting their kid, you know, having a label. And I really love the framing of the diagnosis, getting you in the door, but then needing a plan. So for the families who are maybe kind of seeing some things coming some flags coming up for their kids, they're thinking about a diagnosis, what would you recommend they do so that they can not only maybe get the diagnosis that gets them access to services, but get it in a way that helps them have that plan?

Dr. Connie: Well, I think it is a little bit of a double edged sword for some families and parents because they struggle with this idea of a label because in some ways to access services at a school or even insurance, you may have to have a diagnosis for this. And yet they may think I don't want my child labeled with this. I don't want this label following my child through school. So I encounter a lot of parents who really are on the fence about all of this. And it's a case by case situation, you know, if they're needing some kind of insurance benefits that they can qualify for because they have the diagnostic criteria, then they may need to do that. If it's something else where they're not going down that road and they're looking for alternatives, then we have an answer for that one too, which is we have a different way of looking at this and I'm happy to talk with people about that and really explore. So the first part of it really is figuring out what is the need, what do the parents need, what's the family needing, what's the child needin. And then we kind of go into the next step of that, which is figuring out what is really going on with these children. And I'll say, and adults, because I work with as many adults who have this as I do children. 

Laura: Okay. So let's hone in on this. So can you tell us a little bit about especially on ADHD specifically? Can you tell us a little bit about how kind of ADHD is perceived how it's sort of in kind of a mainstream way and how the reality of how ADHD can show up in certain populations with certain kiddos is very different because I, I think we all have in our minds that one kid when we were growing up, usually a boy couldn't sit, still, definitely had the H in the ADHD  the hyperactivity part. But I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year. And I was never hyperactive. I had the inattentive type. So can we piece those apart kind of what our preconceived notions are, how we misunderstand it and kind of what's really going on when we talk about ADHD?

Dr. Connie: Great question because it's really the heart of everything. It's kind of the heart of the book that I wrote, which is when we think about ADHD  typically, we think about the little boy typically who is like running with an uncontrolled motor and won't sit down and is kind of knocking stuff around and, you know, can't go to bed at night and parents are frazzled and everything's not working very well and teachers are worn out. So everyone's worn out around this little guy, because he's just 100% on all the time. Sometimes I ask parents about energy level on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being low, 10 being high and they'll say 15. 

Laura: Yes. 

Dr. Connie: So that's kind of the, I think the general population understanding that is one tiny segment of what ADHD  can represent across our population. So part of what I discovered 15 years ago when we started using this particular assessment is I look at 37 ways the brain is processing auditory and visual information. So if you think about that, that's completely different than saying, oh, this kid's hyperactive. So what we're looking at is a host of information across auditory and visual processing as well as fine motor hyperactivity. Some comprehension, we look at processing speed and stamina and you can have, it's almost, I've come to think of it as these assessments of the graph that comes from that as an individual fingerprint of ADHD, because it can be inattentive, it can be combined, it can be hyperactive, it can be, well, they've got a whole bunch of auditory and visual processing, but they don't have enough to even qualify on this assessment for ADHD. But they have all the same behaviors that a child who maybe does qualify for a diagnosis of ADHD. So really.

Laura: Wait a second there because this is, that's, I feel like that's the part that when I was reading your book, I just jumped out at me and blew my mind because I, I work with so many of these kids who they even go through the diagnosis process and the parents think it's ADHD but they get in there and they you know, the diagnostician says, nope, it's not ADHD but they're having all of these behaviors that, that look like it. So tell us a little bit more about the auditory and visual processing aspect of this and how like why we get confused, why that misunderstanding is there?

Dr. Connie: Because we don't know what we're looking at. Bottom line, we don't know what the behaviors mean. So the traditional approach to ADHD in any child who's struggling, the, these are the ones who have come to the surface popped up to the surface typically because of behaviors or grades or something. So these are the children that look like something is going on perhaps. But, but what about these children who, as you were describing, they have all this going on, but someone says, no, they don't qualify for ADHD. Well, perhaps they do from a different standpoint because if we get rid, let's just get rid of the ADHD diagnostic label for a moment. And let's just look at the underlying causal factors of what's going on. Typically, there are behaviors that people are trying to get rid of bottom line. So either we're trying to get someone to pay attention or we're trying to get someone to sit down and it falls on a broad spectrum of those. And so the challenge is that if we have these behaviors and our sole purpose is to get rid of these behaviors without understanding what the behaviors are actually telling us. Then we've lost the language that's being communicated from the child to the adults.

Laura: I love those so much. Yeah, go ahead. Keep going.

Dr. Connie: Yeah, it's a language that the children are using because they just have behaviors, they can't walk in and say mom, my auditory vigilance is off today. I'm really going to need you to repeat this two or three times in order for me to hang on to it so I can do what you're asking me to do today. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I can't remember. You're not gonna get that from a child, but you're gonna get behaviors from a child. 

Laura: What will that look like behavior? How will a child say that with the behavior? 

Dr. Connie: So the behaviors for auditory processing, if it's a vigilance problem, which is they can't sustain their attention, they could drift off, they could be inattention, they could be wandering around in their mind and it's like they can't follow instructions, they can't remember what was said. It just got the list goes on and in the book and it look like.

Laura: Can it look like purposeful defiance and not paying attention?

Dr. Connie: Absolutely.

Laura: Okay.

Dr. Connie: It absolutely can look that way because the child doesn't know how to tell you that they can't figure out what you're asking them to do. So they're going to drift, they're going to be disengaged sometimes they're going to be obstinate looking, sometimes they're gonna look like they have willful, bad behavior because, and some of that will develop as a result of this because it's a defense mechanism for this child to protect themselves against punishment, against harsh words, against criticism, against all of these things that are coming at them that they can't understand because they don't know why they are getting in trouble because it isn't anything that they are willfully doing. It's simply the brain cannot keep up with what's coming at them and it has nothing to do with intelligence. So I've worked with geniuses who are in special education their entire academic career. It K12 until this one young man hacked the school's computer system because he was in the library one day and bored out of his skull. And that was the first inclination that this kiddo was brilliant. So we miss it completely with these children because we're looking at all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. We can't get the right intervention until we figure out what's really going on. And if we're treating an attentiveness and we think it's willful bad behavior, we're going to use punishment or withdrawal or something to try and improve the behaviors and when it doesn't work and it doesn't work and it doesn't work, there's something off.

Laura: And it may even make things worse, right?

Dr. Connie: It does.

Laura: So I just wanna hold to light something that you're saying that I think the, the folks in my community have heard from me a lot that the, you know, so much of this is not necessarily within the child's control. And then when we layer on punishment, shame and blame, we heighten their, you know, their safety systems and their bodies and they make more mistakes and they have more behaviors that are challenging. And I just really, you said earlier that, you know, our go to is to start if to either get more of one behavior or less of the other. And I just wanna say you're speaking right now to a community who is really moving to, to set aside behaviorist approaches. We are hungry for understanding, not just what's going on under the surface for our kids, but how to actually support them. And so I'm, I'm, you couldn't be speaking to a set of parents that's more primed to be hearing what you're saying. 

Dr. Connie: Well, as I said, I'm thrilled to be here because this book is really for the ears who are ready to hear. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Dr. Connie: What this is and I think there are a lot of ears out there that are really ready to hear an eyes that are ready to see things quite differently than where we've been. What we've been doing isn't working. And I learned that 15 years ago when parents were coming in, they'd have their children on all types of medications, multiple medications, side effects. Children wouldn't take the meds, behavioral inventions didn't work. And the question became, why is this not working? What is going on here that all of these traditional things aren't working? And me being kind of a out of the box thinker to start with because I didn't like labels too much anyway, you know, I, I didn't buy into the labels that these children were walking in with, which was oppositional defiant disorder, intermittent explosive disorder. You know, just go to anger management problems, willful, bad behavior, Tourette's syndrome. 

The list went on and on and on with these diagnostic conditions. And I'm interviewing this little guy in the room or the little girl and I'm looking at them and they're conversing with me or you know, I have had children spin all the chairs in the room that has happened. I did have one little guy that pulled all the plugs out from underneath the chairs one time and brought them into the conference room and it's like, well, okay, this is unique. So again, this is really about understanding the behaviors and looking at this from a completely different frame of reference, a different lens of perception where we can better understand that if we get to the root cause of this, there's something we can do about this. And that's the beauty of what I've discovered over the last 15 years is that when we can find these auditory and visual processing problems, we do this with a 20 minute assessment that's computer based.

Laura: 20 minutes?

Dr. Connie: 20 minutes. 

Laura: I mean, wow, my kids just went through the diagnosis process and it was a two day full on. 

Dr. Connie: It is. And as much as I come from teaching myself, I understand psychology. I get all of that. It takes days and days for that material to come to the surface. And they still miss this because they're not doing this assessment. 

Laura: Yeah.

Dr. Connie: And so they still miss this information, which in 20 minutes tells teachers what they need to know more than anything else will. And when I ran the pilot project in a school, the changes that I saw, not only with parents, obviously, that always happened, but the changes with the teachers and the administrators was full on mind blowing. When they actually looked at this assessment, I held up the graph and they've got the little girl melting down in the classroom every single day, crying and having a horrible day. And I ran this assessment. She didn't have any visual processing, which means she couldn't understand what the teacher was putting on the board or how to get it to her piece of paper. She couldn't figure it out and she was so embarrassed and mortified that her only response was just to break down every single day and just having and just in tears in a puddle all the time. 

Laura: Doesn't your heart ache for these children? 

Dr. Connie: Yes. Every single day. I hear these stories every single day, every day for 15 years. I've heard these stories, which was the reason the book came about once I figured out how to deliver these services beyond the 20 or 30 mile radius of my clinics. Once I figured out how I can deliver this to anyone in this country, then I was ready to write the book and I've actually worked with people in Switzerland as well. So.

Laura: That’s awesome. Okay. 

Dr. Connie: It is. So we can, we can solve it is the bottom line here, we can solve this. 

Laura: Okay. So I feel like you gave us a good description of kind of what audit like auditory, visual like sorry, auditory processing problems can look like. What about the visual stuff? How does that work in the brain? What's going on for kids who are having that, that type of processing problem? 

Dr. Connie: Well, this is the child who can't remember where he or she left his shoes, the backpack, the homework, the toys are scattered all about runs into things, bumps into things disorganized, messy. Can't write very well, so messy handwriting or eye hand coordination, missing letters when they're copying words. A whole host of behaviors come with visual processing and they can just not be able to track on things going on. So like the little girl who was crying every day, so the teacher is diligently writing on the board thinking she's doing exactly what she needs to do for her students. The little girl sitting in a puddle in the room because she can't figure out what anything means because she can't translate what's happening on the board to get it on a piece of paper. She looks around, she sees her peers doing something. She has no idea why she can't do it. The only conclusion she comes to is that she isn't very smart and they use terrible words for themselves. 

They start telling themselves that they're stupid and we hear it and it's just like we have to stop this, we absolutely have to stop this. So and we can't. So these visual processing and I have a checklist at the end of the auditory chapter and the the visual processing chapter where parents can kind of go through there and see, you know, are there, you know, characteristics here that they're noticing in their children and some children will have both, will have combinations of auditory and visual. And sometimes the auditorium in one area is working in the visual is that sometimes it isn't working across both of these sections. And these are children that really struggle. And then I have children that don't have the ability to score anything on either auditory or visual processing. And these are the children who are most likely to end up channeled into support services and end up over there and never get out. Because if you can't process information, you look like you have other kinds of disabling characteristics that may or may not be the case.

Laura: Okay. So I, I feel like you're, you're giving me a lot of really interesting information. I'm processing it. So I, I'm thinking about the listeners listening to this right now and as you're talking and describing these things, they're thinking about a kid in their lives. I'm actually thinking about one of my kids. I, lots of things are kind of dinging a bell for me there. So for those of us, you know, we may go through your book, go through the checklists or we have the ability to take your assessment. What do we do then with that information, when we find out specifically where some, maybe some auditory or visual processing is going awry for our kids? What are some interventions of things that we can start doing or places to go immediately? 

Dr. Connie: Yes, immediately what I tell parents once we know what's happening, so we get the assessment, we know which areas are working great and then we know where the pitfalls are for this particular child. Then I can tailor the intervention specific to the parents at home and they can share that with the teachers. And sometimes I write a combination letters if they're having a particularly difficult time with the school district, you know, we're gonna punch it up a little bit and see if we can get some help coming in for a child. But for auditory processing, you need a visual backup if they have the visual processing capability. So whenever you're saying anything visually small chunks, one thing at a time don't be doing multilevel instructions or multi step expectations for a child with auditory processing gets going in and you may hear that oh, when in one ear and out the other. Well, that's exactly what happens because it's not sticking on the way through because they don't have that neuronal processing capability to retain information has nothing to do with intelligence. 

But if my brain has a Teflon spot on it where it's supposed to be hanging on to auditory information, it's gonna slide right out and I'm gonna go. What, what do you say if I have the awareness that you even said something to me that may not even be on the menu today, it could be something totally, you know, distracting for this child. If there are auditory processing problems that interfere in noisy environments, think about a typical classroom, think about a typical home and homeworks going on. Could be the TV, going on at school. There's probably 20 or 30 kids in the classroom. All of them are making some kind of little noises here and there can have an air conditioning unit, can have a lawn mower outside, you can have a dozen other things going on while a child with auditory processing difficulties. All of that comes in at the same level, there isn't the ability to discern to shut out the unwanted information to get to the wanted information. I once had a little girl come in and tell me she was after she did neurofeedback, she was a teenager. She was now not taking her medications anymore because her brain was working better and she came in and she said, you know, now when I'm in the classroom, she said I can choose who to pay attention to. I can pay attention to my friends who are chatting around me or I can choose to pay attention to the teacher. 

Laura: Okay, so.

Dr. Connie: We asked the breakthrough. 

Laura: Are you saying that, that these aren't things that are set in stone? They, that with practice, they can get better for some folks. 

Dr. Connie: Absolutely. It's what I do all day long. That's what we do with the neural feedback. So the neurofeedback is.

Laura: Yeah, tell me about that. But how is the, what's the mechanism like? I mean, I know our brains are amazing and plastic and they grow a new neural connections forms. I'm fascinated. 

Dr. Connie: So this is the beauty. It's called neuroplasticity. And neuroplasticity was actually get, this was introduced in 1949 by Dr. Donald Hebb out of Canada. It's taken us a while to figure out what he knew way back when. But this neuroplasticity means the brain's ability to change. We change our brain every single day. The only way we've ever learned how to do anything is through repetition from picking up a pen to riding a bike to being an astronaut, it doesn't matter what it is, it's repetition. So neurofeedback, EEG Biofeedback capitalizes on that which is called operant conditioning or operant learning, which through reward and repetition, the brain learns to hang on to things. So any of these areas of weakness, we literally target them with a training plan that are low impact video games that have been scientifically designed to tackle the auditory, the visual processing problems and through the repetition, typically 30 minute sessions, two or three times a week for every 10 hours of training, we come back and rerun these assessments to measure overall global progress toward the goals. And then if we haven't hit everything on the 1st 10, which most of the time we don't, then we do another 10 hours, which is equivalent to 20 hours of brain training, which is pretty much industry standard. So kind of the average, if you think bell curve kids in the middle there, you can usually get most of it. 

There are some that get done sooner, some that take longer depending on how far we have to go. So we're strengthening. Yeah, if we're strengthening existing neural pathways, that's one thing. If we're building it, it's gonna take a minute because we literally are building these pathways in the brain so that this child's brain will retain this and go on. And once we get this all strengthened and channeled in and wired in, people don't need to come back to see me. That's the beauty of this. You get done with this. The brain's working and because repetition works and reinforces everything, the more you use it, the stronger it gets and the better you just continue to get. I've had adults come back five years, eight years later and say I just wanna let you know, my brain continues to get better and better and better. 

Laura: Oh, that's really beautiful. And I don't know, gives a lot of hope. Okay. So what are some of the, like it, it sounds like that's a computer game like that people can play. What are, you know?

Dr. Connie: Specialized computer.

Laura: Of course. No, of course. But like what are some of the things that, you know, I'm, I'm just thinking about my, my one daughter who dings some ADHD bells for me. But perhaps it's perhaps it's just some processing stuff going on for her. The other day I was asking her to do something and I said it, you know, super respectfully, calmly, connectedly three times and after the third one, she goes mom. So she's, she's eight. She goes, mom, I heard you, I just needed a moment to process. And I mean, I was like, oh, thanks for that feedback, but she's also like a highly verbal kid who can really tell me what's going on for her. I'm not all kids can do that. This is also my child who, when I say like, oh, we need to clean up the playroom, it can throw her into a meltdown. But I, I say, okay, take this bin and go pick up all of the toy cats. She goes and takes them and it's not a problem, you know, it like she gets thrown by those kind of big multi step things. But if I or if I make a visual list for her and say, just do this one first, she's able to go, you know. So I mean, those are dinging some bells for me. What are some things that parents can be doing if this is also dinging some bells? But we're not at the place where we need to go and have like maybe have some big time interventions. But what are some things that parents can do to support these kiddos at home and not just, you know, perhaps building some new neural pathways but just even making life easier so that we don't get that meltdown when we say it's time to pick up the playroom. 

Dr. Connie: Well, meltdowns are indicative of overwhelming. Yeah, being overwhelmed. So the brain's overwhelmed when you're getting meltdowns and that means whatever was just presented to this child was too much, too much, too much, too much, too much.

Laura: Yes.

Dr. Connie: So it's just smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller increments to figure out. Okay, where's the threshold for this? So what does this child, what's the threshold by say go get your toothbrush, brush your teeth, pick up your pants on the way, feed the dog, take out the trash and then you've got, nothing happening.

Laura: Yes.

Dr. Connie: Might remember something about playing with the dog. 

Laura: Yeah, right.

Dr. Connie: Okay. Oh yeah, the dog, I mean play with the dog. Yeah, that's all they got through. So again, segments, small increments, big projects for children who are overwhelmed will melt cause meltdowns. It's just thinking about what type of segment does this child particularly need. And and parents often know parents kind of know and many times are implementing some of these. Now some parents don't, but some parents have kind of figured out. Okay, if I say five things, nothing's gonna happen here. If I do one, we might get it done. And so it's like do one thing, check for comprehension, check for completion, then the next thing. And so if you've noticed that your words fall on deaf ears, so to speak, then switch to list, switch to chore list, switch to some kind of visual. If you realize that your child doesn't even notice, you know what color the shirt is that they're putting on and things just aren't operating that way. But if you tell them to do something, then go that it's literally figuring out the strengths. 

Now, I will say whatever any of those weaknesses are, we've tackled a lot of it. And so the beauty is that yes, a lot of these children can learn these, you know, these techniques, parents can learn that too when it gets to the point where they're struggling in school and it's just a lot, then it may be time to kind of look at. Okay, you know, is there something we can figure out here? Is there a little bit bigger piece of the puzzle? Now, the checklist in the book will give you that. And then there are chapters in the book for teachers and for parents for what do you do when you have these kinds of situations that you've identified in your child. So here's this approach, here's this approach, try this and try that and then kind of see how it's going. And so, yeah, you're right. Not every child needs, you know, interventions, but honestly, a lot of them do and can benefit. So it's figuring out where you are with all of that. 

Laura: Okay. And so, you know, for, you know, I'm, I'm looking at your book right now, which was one of the funnest books I've read in a long time. It's funnest a word. I don't know if it's a word. But it was lovely. It hit all of my like delight, you know, in child development and, you know, it's, I, I've always heard that ADHD brains are interest based nervous systems, you know, that we have an interest based nervous system and it definitely pinged my pinged my brain. But I'm, I'm just thinking about the parents who are wanting support with this. You know, the book is so good for, you know, folks who are in a kind of do it yourself place. But what about folks who want to have someone walking alongside them? Want some, you know, help or for, you know, I have one kid for example, who only wants me to be their mom. She does not want me to be their therapist. She does not want me to be their teacher. She wants me just in one lane in her life. You know, which I love, I love that. She can tell me that, you know, and I, so I just stay in my lane.

Dr. Connie:  Which is great, which is great. So what I was able to do a couple of years ago with the software company where, you know, we've been working with them for 15 years now is to be able to do what I call remote neuro feedback. So literally everything we do in my clinics, we can do with people sitting in their homes and we can do it, because the the gaming industry, although I'm not a big fan of the gaming industry per say, they did create very powerful laptops. So these new computers that we now have can handle all of this where 1520 years ago when we started this laptops were not that powerful. So you kind of had to go to university or some big place to get this. You can do this in your home now and we have people all over California that are doing this and I have people in different states that are doing this. And so we start with the assessment. Yeah, I send the tech sheets. It's like, okay, we're gonna do a tech check to make sure we've got all the tech right to be able to handle this. 

And then literally through zoom, we do the assessments and within an hour and a half, we can have all the information that we would have if you're sitting in my clinics, I go over that with the parents. We email those assessment reports out and I can do consultations then with schools if they need it. So that gets you in the door and then the neuro feedback, we can deliver that the same way. You do have to lease the equipment. So we have some licensing and some leasing things that have to happen on the front end that don't happen for the people, you know, that come into the clinics, but we can make this completely doable. And that was really the lynchpin or the keystone here before I wrote the book because I, I knew all this material for years and I just had decided, I'm not writing this book if I can't answer and provide help to people who need it and want it. And then I thought, well, not every, like you said, not everybody needs that, but people just need tips and techniques to handle, you know, some of this for the schools and for home. So it's, it's avail all of it's available. And yeah.

Laura: Okay. So I have a, so I have two questions and they're totally different. So I'm trying to figure out which one to ask you first. So one is, so there's quite a few people in my community who have experienced harm from behaviorist invention interventions in the past. ABA ones that are coercive and punitive. Can you tell us a little bit about how your approach to behaviorism within this training is different? 

Dr. Connie: That is so important because I see it all the time and I see it in the classrooms. And I think it's indelibly stuck in my mind when a mo mother came in one time and told me that the teacher of her young son had decided that she could improve her son's attention by having him sit on a one legged stool throughout the school day. And it just sends chills around me when I hear these stories and the beauty of neurofeedback is or neurofeedback just so people understand most people have heard of biofeedback. So biofeedback was where you put a little sensor maybe on your finger and it measured your pulse and you had measurement of your respiration and that's the biological feedback. And so that was fed into some equipment and it may be beeped or there is something on the screen and you could see that by practicing breathing exercises and relaxation, you could lower your heart rate and you could improve your breath. And so you could get the biological feedback which is hence biofeedback. So, neurofeedback is EEG biofeedback where we're doing the same kind of thing only we're just reading brain waves. 

Laura: Fascinating.

Dr. Connie: So with a little, yeah, with a little sensor on the brain, on the scalp, it doesn't go in the brain, nothing goes into the child. It's the same kind of feedback loop. So by being able to read the brain waves, we can tell how the brain is working with attention and concentration and focus. And then there's these low impact video games that as your brain is creating the desired outcome, you win your video games. And so.

Laura: Okay.

Dr. Connie: There's no behavioral intervention involved here. This is your child or you as an adult, allowing your brain to get trained. So I call it kind of a brain boost, so to speak, we just kind of boost the functioning of the brain. Reinforce that. And literally children become self empowered because instead of constantly being in trouble for their quote, bad behaviors that they can't control. They start learning, they can run a computer with their brain, they're not using a mouse, they're using their brain to run the computer and they get pretty excited about this when they get to see they have that kind of control in their life, in areas that they didn't think they had control at all. 

Laura: Yeah.

Dr. Connie: And so literally, this is such a kind of low impact intervention that kids generally, even children with mild to moderate autism. We work with these children who come in and it just helps them develop a greater sense of self. And I will say for adults, too. So I talk a lot about children in this book because I really want to help people understand that this is completely workable here. We can do something about this. But there are many, many adults who have similar challenges, maybe they've lost a lot of jobs or relationships or things just haven't gone well, anxiety and depression may have set in and even some trauma. So the trauma, which is a little bit what you were hinting out there with some of those behavioral interventions, we tackle trauma too. And so that's the other side of this is that I worked with a lot of veterans, I've worked with children who come through foster care. I've worked with people who've had all kinds of traumatic experiences that when the brain gets kind of locked into that, there are response patterns. 

And so that is literally the brain learning how to relax again. And so we teach the brain how to do that as well. So yeah, the beauty of this, particularly for military folks is that research now clearly shows talk therapy for a lot of people who have trauma does not work. It is not the thing to be doing. And there are a lot of organizations that still haven't quite learned that research yet and they're still going down that pathway. But I've worked with veterans when I lived in Wisconsin. So I was at the VA center there for a year or two doing my doc work and, you know, talk therapy has its place. But I, I would think of so many of those veterans and then the last 15 years, the veterans I've worked with here and what I wish I could have done for the, at that time there were Vietnam veterans that were getting served there at, Middleton VA Hospital. So there's a lot that can be done and this is really a workaround for any of that traumatization that's happened,  where talk therapy hasn't worked for behavioral and punishment and all of that hasn't worked. If those things aren't working, it's time to change the game, is what I'm saying. If it isn't working, stop.

Laura: I mean, I think like the punishments and those types of things work in a way that like the mechanism by which they work isn't necessarily one that most parents really want to be leaning into anyway. You know, they just do it because they feel like it's their last hope, you know, their last thing that they can do. Okay, so I have, now I have a couple other questions, sorry, I warned you that this is probably gonna happen. Okay, so one is I've noticed that,  you know, in my own life and in lots of the people that I work with that kids with ADHD tend to gravitate more towards gaming and screens. And I'm kind of, do you have thoughts on that around like why it can be harder for them to, to self manage, you know, and and remove themselves from those things. Some of the families I work with even say that feels like their kids are self medicating with them. I I I'm kind of curious. I've always wanted to ask an expert about that. 

Dr. Connie: Oh yeah, straight on the answer is yes, it has an impact and yes, it can be addictive and I've actually treated children who have video game addiction to the point that they, once the parents tried to withdraw that from the child, there was destruction, there was violence, there was all kinds of bad negative behavior, you know, because this child's brain was literally addicted to the dopamine rush that gets dumped in with these games that are specifically and I'm going to be very careful here, but I'm gonna be very specific about it. Some of these games are specifically designed to keep children playing those games. 

Laura: Of course.

Dr. Connie: The high impact that cause a lot of the anticipation and the reward system for children who have ADHD they're short on dopamine, which is our feel good neurotransmitter. These games, guess what they dump into the brain?

Laura: Dopamine, right? 

Dr. Connie: Dopamine to the point. And this research and it's cited in the book when I talked about it, the references in the back and you can go find it. So there was research that was done back in the late 1990s by scientists who were looking at these violent video games and these high reward, high impact video games and they were able to measure the amount of dopamine that was getting dumped into these children's brains. And it was the same as an injection of methamphetamine. 

Laura: Wow.

Dr. Connie: that's been out since the late 1990s. People know this.

Laura: Yeah.

Dr. Connie: This is not a secret that this is what's going on. 

Laura: And so of course, we're not attempting to vilify games but understanding what's happening in your kid's brain while that's going on. And so is there are there things that we can do to help our kids heal from that if, if we're seeing that? 

Dr. Connie: Well, it is. So obviously, I'm using video games, we use video games in our training. So again, is it low impact or is it high impact? So what is, what's actually happening with that game? What is that game designed to do? So if you're looking at your child and you're saying, okay, it's time to come get dinner, your child can't get out of the game, can't walk away and it's just a constant battle and constant struggle you may have to start looking at. Okay, do we have a situation going on here where this child's brain is just being so overly stimulated that to walk away from that then causes the dip in the dopamine. So here's what's so important for parents to know, if this child has been using these games and a lot and you can define however you wish to for a lot that it's the behaviors again you have to look at. So we have the behaviors and you start to put an intervention in and you start getting a lot of pushback. 

You have to start digging a little bit deeper in here because this could be a situation where this brain has become dependent upon the video game to manufacture the dopamine. Because what happens as in any type of addiction, I'm using the term a little bit loosely, but there's been good research out there that actually speaks to video game addiction. It's out there, it's in the book too. So what happens is when the brain starts becoming dependent on these video games and it gets these big dumps of dopamine, then when you don't have the video game, the brain is dependent upon the external source to create the dopamine rush. And its own manufacturing unit starts to slow down because it's measured that it has enough dopamine in there. And so then if you pull away the game, then the brain is going through withdrawals. And so now you are dealing with an addictive brain. 

Laura: Okay, and so then do you need to find other ways that increase dopamine levels for these kids as they come off of games? 

Dr. Connie: Well, certainly math doesn't do it. So, so if you're thinking homework and thinking.

Laura: For a second, I thought for a second, I thought you said meth, not math.

Dr. Connie: Math, meth doesn't do it typically for these children, okay. So what I have recommended is kind of those old traditional things. Get outside, get outside, get outside when you can. Now, when you live in the north, I know what it's like.

Laura: Oh man, you know.

Dr. Connie: That's quite hard. But the gym, something where you're getting physical activity because you're gonna have to find other ways for this child to get reward systems and it's gonna, it's not gonna measure up, you know, once the brain kind of gets tied into that video game business, it's hard to find something that's gonna give that kind of a dump because it probably won't. We don't really want it to, we just want the child to develop better habits, other interest, find things that are joyful. If sports, you know, used to be something, let's figure out what that is. It's creativity, you know, what else is interesting and it may be difficult for that child to identify once the brain has kind of gone down this pathway, so it might take some investigation, it's gonna take some patience, it's gonna take some creativity to be able to get this going. And really a hands on approach with parents is, is necessary. It's like, well, let's figure out, you know, can we in the summer go for a bike ride, can we go, do you play sports? Can we get outside? Yeah, whatever it is, get outside because we know that physical activity increases the feel good, you know, neurotransmitters in our brain. So, you know, is there are other kinds of puzzles and games and other kinds of things that we can do that aren't driven by a particular type of video game. There are a lot of video games out there but these are the ones that are designed that cause the trouble are the ones that are designed to really keep kids hooked to playing them.

Laura: Okay.

Dr. Connie: If you've got a kid who can't walk away, then you might have a kid with a problem. 

Laura: Okay. You, you used to a term earlier that I wasn't quite, quite clear on. I think it was high-impact and low-impact video games. 

Dr. Connie: That's what I've called. I've started calling them that because I have to make a distinction because video, not all video games are created.

Laura: Yeah. Can you tell me what some of the, you know, my, we basically do know video games at our house. And so I, I don't even know. I know Roblox is a thing. I know that like is Call of Duty still a thing, you know, like I, I mean, I know Minecraft is a thing. So what are some of the high, high and the low is that? 

Dr. Connie: Well, the ones that you were just mentioning, if it's designed to keep a child playing, and keep them engaged a lot, then I call that more of a high impact because there's something about it that keeps drawing that child in that they can't kind of let go of it to go do other things. They have trouble kind of putting it down. It's like if you really love chocolate chip cookies and someone just pulled a dozen of them out of the oven and you're sitting there, how many of them can you walk away from? 

Laura: Right. 

Dr. Connie: You know, kind of the same thing. But you know that maybe that salad is a little bit better for you, but it doesn't quite taste as great as that hot chocolate chip cookie taste. But it's somewhere, you know, that maybe if you go the salad route, you're gonna be better off. So part of it is really teaching and crafting and molding children's response patterns to their environment. It's like, what can we do that really is going to enhance this. So low impact is what I talked about, which is just kind of innocuous programs, things that don't necessarily drive a lot of this desire to continue to do it. So, in our, clinics, our training programs are usually about 25 minutes long and they'll have like three or four or five or six different little video games in there where they're only playing it for two or three minutes. But it's designed to do something really specific for those two or three minutes and through the repetition of that. So they're not going to get addicted to coming in and doing these progress because we're mixing it up and it's low impact. We don't have a lot of super high impact visual reward systems in there. It's much lower impact on that. And that's for a good reason because we don't want that kind of thing going on. So high impact is a lot coming at you, a lot of auditory stuff. There's a lot of visual stimulation, there's a lot of reward coming at it. 

And so you just want to keep winning as it feels great or you're beating all your friends or, you know, they have ways that these kids can actually have a bunch of kids playing all at the same time. It's all sitting in their room by themselves and they think they're connected with all these kids all over the planet, which to some degree they are. But let's get them out and get them actually socializing because that is not socialization. Playing a video game is not socialization, they need to be able to be with people. And that's part of what we've learned with some of these video games is that it does strengthen certain aspects of the brain. So you might get some multi multiprocessing aspects, you might get some good visual, but there are parts of the brain that are underdeveloped when they do too many of these video games. And part of that is executive functioning, decision making, being able to even tell when you need to go to the bathroom. So that part of the brain just gets diminished, it doesn't grow and you have to have all of that in order to be successful in the world. 

Laura: Okay, so without talking about what games to avoid, are there any like, you know, just like standard available video games that you actually like that are like that you would, that you would say like this one is, you know, not one that's gonna be a problem?

Dr. Connie: You know, I kind of stay away from that conversation. 

Laura: I understand why you might.

Dr. Connie: Yeah, because anything can be misused. 

Laura: Yeah.

Dr. Connie: And so, you know, if I say, oh this one's okay and everyone runs out and then I get a call and my kid's addicted to this one. So I.

Laura: I totally understand. Okay, so I have one more question.

Dr. Connie: Sure.

Laura: And then a general question. So one more this one is just, this is just for me, a total like, this is one of the benefits of this job. I get to ask experts personal questions. So I found out in college that in order to really focus on studying, I either needed to be in a really busy environment with lots of like external noise or I needed to be listening either to music or honestly audio books. Like I some, I needed to be filtering something out and I've never really understood the mechanism for like, why that worked well for me. And I'm just kind of curious why that. 

Dr. Connie: Well, and again, I haven't met you and.

Laura: Of course, yeah I know.

Dr. Connie: And assessments or anything. So, just kind of broadly speaking, there are a lot of people that have that and part of it is because everything can kind of come in at the same level for some folks. So all the noises that are around. So it's trying to control the auditory levels of noise that's coming in. And if you have a song, you have something, your brain can lock onto that and then you're able to then focus in on other things. Whereas if those off, you're catching everything, the car that's driving by outside. Yeah, the air conditioning that's clicking on it. You know, the dog barking down the street. And so what you're doing is trying to focus the brain in to enhance the attention, the ability to put inputs.

Laura: Fascinating.

Dr. Connie: Yeah. And that's part of what we tackle is that very thing. 

Laura: Okay, thank you, Dr. Connie. You know, I spent my whole life feeling like I was bad at things, you know, obviously I ended up being, you know, academically successful, you know, I have a PHD in all of those things. I learned lots of hacks to get myself through those things. Getting my diagnosis over this past year has been a really lovely experience for me just because it has helped me understand myself better and be more forgiving with myself. You know, just it kind of changed the way I viewed certain childhood memories and certain ideas I had about myself as a kind of a, a careless clumsy person. So I that's felt really good for me. I have, I, I feel like as I have been talking with more parents who are noticing some neuro divergence on themselves, the, the conversation in neurodivergence that's happening kind of more, you know, in a more mainstream way right now, I just feel kind of curious how you think the field is gonna be moving when we you know, it just so this is totally like not on your topic necessarily, but this is more just a kind of a colleague to colleague question. I, I feel like I'm getting a, a vibe from the community that are our understandings of autism, ADHD, sensory processing disorders that all of this is gonna be changing. So that we, they no longer fit into these discrete, you know, binary categories. And I, I just feel kind of curious what your take is on that?

Dr. Connie: Well, my take has always been about dealing with stigma and that's really what all of these labels have created for decades is the stigmatization of people. If you've got a label, you're stigmatized, you fit in a cubby hole. This is a little box of a little corner that you get stuck into and this is what it means to have that and it couldn't be further from the truth, because I, I can, you know, and hence, whenever a person does a presentation to a room full of people, whatever words go out, each person sitting in the audience is gonna hear something a little bit different. It's all the same message as being the words are the same that have been delivered from the one mouth, but you can have 1000 people with 1000 different interpretations of what that is. And that's how I view diagnostic labels. There are 1000 interpretations of what ADHD can mean. I can have 10 kids walk in in a day and have ADHD, they're all 10 going to present a completely unique manner. Autism, the same thing might have a few traits here and there. And the DSM-5 which you know, some people are familiar with. The whole purpose of that you know, when that was created a gazillion years ago, wasn't to give labels. It was merely as a method to communicate from professional to professional, what a grouping of symptoms might be. It wasn't to say you have ADHD. 

Laura: Yeah.

Dr. Connie: It was for me to say to you, okay, we've got a cluster A here. So this is what I've seen is cluster A, now I'm handing this person over to you a cluster A. And that was all it was intended to do. And now we have, you know, books that are hundreds of pages and link with hundreds of diagnostic criteria in there. And I'm not sure who wins with that. I'm ready to walk away from that a lot and I've spent, I've spent the better part of my career walking away from it because as I said, in the beginning, it may help you get in the door. It's not going to help me know anything about you per say. It's just a shorthand mechanism that someone created that. By the way, the ADHD diagnosis now almost anyone can qualify for ADHD when the DSM-5 came out. There were a lot of influences that are well known now about how that came about. And you always have to look at, you know, where the money is on some of these things. So, you know, my goal is let's educate people, let's let people know that there's a different way of looking at this, that there's hope out there, you're not abandoned, you're not walking alone. We have lots of resources that we can help with and I can help if you wanna pursue this, there's a lot of different neurofeedback systems out there. Not all of them are the same. Many of them are quite good again, check things out. And I'll just say briefly that if it's something that administers something to the brain, the industry standard has been, that's not neurofeedback, that's, that may be something that can help the brain. But if they're calling it neurofeedback, the tried and true professionals within the field will say that's not truly neurofeedback because neurofeedback is simply the biofeedback, which is giving feedback about how your brain is working. It's not administering something to the brain. 

Laura: Got it, like as in like a shock or magnets or something. 

Dr. Connie: Yeah. Anything that's administering something to the brain doesn't mean they don't work. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that's not neurofeedback in the traditional sense of what neurofeedback was designed to be. 

Laura: Okay Dr. Connie McReynolds, thank you so much for this conversation today. I just, you know, so I really would love to make sure that everybody knows where they can go to find you as we wrap up. I'll make sure everything is in the show notes, but you know, some people like to hear it out loud. So your book is called Solving the ADHD Riddle. But where can they go to get the book and learn more about how they could potentially, work with you? 

Dr. Connie: Straight to my website, which is just my name it's www Connie McReynolds. So that's conniemcreynolds.com. There's a link right on the front page to the book which takes you right to Amazon. It's available as audio book and I did the audiobook myself. 

Laura: Oh, fun.

Dr. Connie: Ebook and, paperback. And then there's also a contact form on the website. So you can fill that out. It comes straight into my email. Just give me a way to contact you if you have questions, phone number or times to give you a call, then kinda cuts down on the back and forth. And so people, you know, we put that in your email message when a good time is and a number to call you. It's, there's too many questions and too many variations for me to answer questions through email. I'd much rather have a five or 10 minute conversation with people to really get to the heart of the problem. 

Laura: I love that. And, you know, of course, this is a global podcast. But for those of the listeners who are in California, where are you practicing? Can I ask that question? Is that okay? 

Dr. Connie: Absolutely. I'm in Southern California. So I actually have two clinics. One in Redlands, California, which is halfway between LA and Palm Desert and one in Rancho Cucamonga, which is a little closer to LA than Palm Desert. But you can driving up and down the 10, you, you're probably gonna bump into me. 

Laura: Nice. I love that. Okay, thank you so much, Dr. Connie. I really appreciated our conversation. 

Dr. Connie: This was beautiful. Thank you so much and stay warm in Wisconsin.

Laura: You enjoy the nice Southern California temperature. 

Dr. Connie: All right. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure to be here today. 

Laura: Same. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 179: How Acceptance Can Transform Your Parenting with Andee Martineau

In this podcast episode, we dive into how acceptance transforms parenting. Our guest, Andee Martineau, a mom of 6, the author of the book “Connect Method Parenting”, and the creator of Connect Method Parenting: a breakthrough parenting framework that leverages connection as the primary mechanism for influencing children. 

In this episode, Andee and I discuss the following:

  • How to stop yelling and communicate effectively 

  • Why bribes and ultimatums do not work

  • Concept of acceptance and alternative approaches to handling difficult situations

  • Six acceptance questions from the Connect Method Parenting book

  • How to practice acceptance while holding boundaries and limits

To connect directly with Andee, you can email her at andee@expandedlife.com, her website connectmethodparenting.com, Instagram @andeemartineau, Facebook page Connect Method Parenting and her podcast Connect Method Parenting.

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT:

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello. I'm Doctor Laura Froyen and I host the Balanced Parent Podcast. And I'm so excited to be talking about this topic with, with you Andee. So my background is I have a PHD in Human Development and Family Studies with a specialization in Marriage and Family Therapy. And I really love coming alongside families and helping them parent in the way that feels really good to them, really aligned with their values and focus on connection. And I feel like you're the same. And do you want to get a little bit about you? 

Andee: I will, I'm so excited for this conversation that because as we were chatting before we hit record, you know, there's like we were like, what do we want to talk? There's so many things we could talk about. And the, and the cool thing is how aligned we are on our purpose and mission. So I'll just briefly introduce, I'm so excited that we're gonna get this on both of our podcasts. But my name is Andee Martineau and I have six kids and I'm very passionate about sharing an approach to parenting that's based in developmental psychology, that's based in attachment theory that honors emotions and just really helps us understand what it takes to be in a relationship with our child. And with our ourselves, to be honest, where our nervous systems are regulated and our kids are more open to what we have to say to the feed. We have, I have lots of teenagers and adult kids now. And so that's important all throughout. But especially as they're getting to be more independent to have that relationship and so of honesty, of openness. So I'm so excited we're going to talk about some of the, like the things we're going to dive in today are going to be really pertinent. If you are in a, if you're, if you're parenting and you're feeling resistance and you're feeling a lot of frustration, we both understand. We both get you and, and we're going to dive into that because that's something that can be really hard as a parent. So, yeah.

Laura: Andee so I, I'm sure you hear the same thing, but I hear from parents all the time that they, they really want to be respectful, compassionate, conscious parents and they want their kids to, to listen to them, they want to feel heard and respected themselves as, as adults and, and it's really hard. It's, it's so easy to say you're committed to something and then the putting it into practice is, is so much different because, you know, you're dealing with another human being. And one of the things that I think the you can tell me if you've experienced it too, that the kind of the peaceful parenting and respectful parenting world, it gives this impression that peaceful parents are respectful parents are, are always this kind of even keel, you know, they have this sweet voice. Oh my darling. You know, and in my experience, lots of parents think that they're regulating and in reality, they're stuffing. they're kind of gritting their teeth through the hard moments. They're kind of white knuckling it through and they're not actually regulating their nervous systems and learning how. Okay, so how do I actually deal with the, the moments that are challenging and hearts that I don't yell. And when we, when we were white knuckle through it, we eventually hit that threshold where we revert to our old patterns, the patterns that were uploaded into our, our nervous system. When we were younger, we start yelling, our mom's voice falls out of our mouths, you know, like, so I guess that I'm so excited to talk about that with you. So like, that's my theory that my not yelling is so hard is because we are resist. We are in resistance so much. What do you think about that? 

Andee: To the emotions, exactly. Well, if your nervous system is activated and you're trying to put on the calm parent front, there's a huge disconnect and I've had, I've even had people tell me no, no, no, I didn't raise my voice. I like was smiling and I said, well, how did you feel? I rate annoyed, frustrated and I, and I, I totally get it because I've completely been there before where I'm trying so hard to be the parent. I want to be not understanding that I can't hide my internal fury, you know, like I'm trying to, but my kids map it. 

Laura: They are kids know they can see it .

Andee: exactly. I mean, you hear mirror neurons, you know, that are sending out this, I think of it as a radio signal saying I'm really upset inside. You know, and, and even though the, the facade might be a what I like to call stretchy smile, which is us doing our best. The kids feel the emotion that's being transmitted and they pick it up with their mirror neurons and, and you can't hide it. So I love talking about really what's the, what's the core issue? You know, it's like if an apple tree wasn't producing apples, we would look at the roots, we wouldn't look at the and we would treat the roots and water, fertilizer, you know, that kind of thing. We wouldn't look at the fruit and say let's put some ointment on the apple that's not gonna cause the change, right? That's not really the problem. And so I think going to the emotions, going to the nervous system and seeing what's happening, that's how you get to a place where you are showing up more intentionally.

And I, and I loved your point of, you know, portraying an image of just this sweet, calm, which I'm as you can hear by my, in my intensity in my voice. I I'm a very intense person. So like that was really, I wanted that so bad. I had a couple of friends that felt like they could just, you know, never raise their voice above a whisper hardly. And I thought that was amazing and that I tried to be that for a while. That's not me. And if that is you, that's amazing. But regardless of how we are accepting who we are accepting our emotional capacity, and it's not about necessarily always being perfect or even not, you know, even if we show up in a way where we, we do let some of that frustration get out. It's about learning how to process and take care of what was at the root of it. So you can do better next time. 

Laura: Yeah, I mean, because Andee, we parents are humans, we get to be human. You know, and I think that sometimes we, we think we have to strip our humanity away in order to be these perfect respectful parents and, and that's not real and that's not what our kids want. Either. Our kids want real authentic connection. Of course, they shouldn't be burdened with our kind of emotions. Of course, we need to be taking care of ourselves, going to our friends, a partner, a therapist if we need to do some, some work. But they need to know, they need to know there needs to be congruence between what we are expressing on the outside and the kind of what they're picking up and they can tell when we're faking it, they really can, you know, and they're, you know, from an attachment perspective, a biological perspective, they're primed to always kind of be on the lookout for what's going on with mom because that's how they survive. You know, that's, you know, it's a, I mean, that is just biology or human animal nature and, and so being congruent and being authentic is really important. So I thinking about then this, the parents who are in these moments where they're feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, they feel like their kids aren't listening and they've tried to be nice and they feel like the only thing they can do at that moment in time is to do what they, what we know works in the short term, threats, bribes, punishments, time outs, you know, those things do work in the short term. 

Andee: They do.

Laura:  they do, they get compliance when that's what we're looking for. They don't work in the long term. There's, you know, 4060 years of like solid research telling us that they don't work in the long run, but they do work in the immediate moment. What do we, what is the I mean? You know, you use that word acceptance. I feel like that's the first step. Well, first step is awareness that something's happening, right? We always talk about that, right. First step is awareness, okay? We're aware, I guarantee the parents listening, they're aware, something's happening. What is it? And, and lots of us, I know for me personally, just as an example to tell a personal story. I was on vacation for my 40th birthday. We were in Florida and we were, oh, thank you. Oh, I feel so excited about being in my forties. I.

Andee: Me too. I love my forties. 

Laura: I'm so excited about it. I feel like I'm like at this level where I can just like, be me. I don't know. I just, I'm loving. Okay, I've been in my forties for like a week, but I really love it. 

Andee: Welcome to the forties. 

Laura: Anyway, we were, we were at a beach in Florida that is just really famous for seashells. And one of my daughters found a really nice big seashell and my other daughter did not. And there were all of these feelings about it. This was on my birthday and I had so much resistance to what was happening for both of my kids. I had one kid who was super excited wanting to call grandma and grandpa tell her about the se and the other kid who was losing it. I never find anything, you know, just had the whole negative narrative going. And then I was in my own mind having my own negative narrative and it really made me think about your book and you have these six acceptance questions. So let's just, can we talk about those for a few minutes or like just about what acceptance is? Why resistance was so painful for me? Why it caused a lot of problems and what I could have done instead. 

Andee: Yeah. Oh, goodness. I, I could tell my own version of that story. 

Laura: We all have them. Right. 

Andee: Yes. Well, and I just, before I go into the question, I just want to say, being willing to say, hey, I'm a human and I feel the same emotions as everybody else feels like II, I think with parenting sometimes we feel shameful or because there's so much pressure to get it perfect that we're afraid to admit that we aren't getting it right all the time. So I love that we're sharing authentically because hopefully it will help other people also be willing to share and realize there's nothing wrong. If you resist. 

Laura: There's something quite right about about this. We're, we're human. It's happening for a reason and it makes sense that all of this is happening for us. I think that there are people who like learn about peaceful parenting and respectful parenting and are like, oh, that makes sense like and are done and go on their merry way. That is not my truth. That is not, this is like, I'm so lucky I get to do this for my job because it's a daily like reaffirmation of the work I'm doing. But anyway. Yes, okay. 

Andee: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So I love that we're being vulnerable and that's the first that's allows the awareness that then allows us to go into the next step, which is one of the next steps, which is acceptance, which is a process to me of regulating our nervous system. So I think when we're in resistance, we're in that fight or fly, that's the typically the terms we call it. There's fawn freeze, you know, there's the other ones, but like we're in this nervous system, activated place and from the, from that place, we're going to try to do the tug of war, do the fix it, do the.

Laura: The thought is this should not be happening. That's the thought that comes in my mind. This should not be happening. She should not be doing this. I should not be feeling this like, like just like I just start, this should not be happening. Everything. 

Andee: Yeah. And when you, when you have the word should I it's, I'm so aware of that word now and I'm like, wait, it's like ding, ding, ding, like, let me look at that a little bit more because I need to inspect if that is act and most of the time it's not helpful. But this like when I'm using the word should, it's usually not helpful. So I'm so glad you said that. So that some version of this should not be happening. They should know better. I, you know.

Laura: they should be able to do this by now. 

Andee: Yeah. My kids shouldn't be fighting or having, you know, problems with the, you know, you.

Laura: She should be happy for her sister. She shouldn’t be bragging. 

Andee: Exactly. I shouldn't be so frustrated, you know, I should be handling this.

Laura: I should accept her emotions.

Andee: Right. Or if I was a better mom, you know, I should be able to prevent this from happening or whatever, right? We have all of these.

Laura: and so those are all resistance, right? 

Andee: Yes. Examples of resistance. And when you go into resistance, you go into an activated nervous system. And I love just saying it's your nervous system, there's nothing wrong with you. Of course, you want to protect yourself. This is survival. This is how humans have survived. We just think that the girls having the seashell dilemma is life or death. Like that's what our brain thinks and it's not a tiger about to eat us. It's really not. 

Laura: Can we just dig into to the narrative there that happens for so many of us because it's not even about for protecting ourselves. I for me, when I know I get triggered in a certain way, it's about a fear of my kids becoming unlovable. And it is deeply important as a human animal parent that our kids be lovable and acceptable in society because we know that that's what keeps them safe. That is a like a human imperative. It's written into our DNA. We cannot help it, right? That it's there that our nervous system reacts to that fear of they're doing something that's going to get them rejected, that's going to cause them to lose love. And so it just makes sense that that would be cause a reaction within us. Right? 

Andee: Yes. Yeah. And I wanted to say that because that if you have that awareness that this is fine, this makes sense. Of course, my nervous system is reacting this way. Of course, my girls nervous systems are reacting this way and you that is leading you into acceptance, right? Because now what I'm doing instead of fighting against the reality that I have in that moment, I'm saying, okay, I can at least accept where I am. I'm not trying to change anything at this moment, right? I'm just saying this is my reality.

Laura: This is reality. 

Andee: This is reality, right? And, and the only like we, when we fight against reality, we lose 100% of the time. Like there is no way in the moment when it's happening. And I'm not saying, talking about five minutes before or five minutes after in the moment when the girls are having the thing about the seashell and I could, I could share my own version, but then you share, we'll just use it. So you here. Yeah. And you're having your experience. It's like this is the best we can all do right now. This is what's happening. This is what our nervous systems are doing. And if you can go into that versus I should be different, my girl should be different and you're just either upset at yourself or upset at the girls or both. And all right, like this is ruining my birthday. This is not how I want to feel. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. They're gonna live there. It's almost like I was because I have my exact version of this, you know, like, you know, my brain likes to catastrophize like they're, they're not gonna share, they're not gonna be cooperative, they're not gonna have friends, they're not gonna rest the success, blah, blah, blah, like I'm going 20 years in the future. 

Laura: And so that's one thing that acceptance does is it pulls you back into the here and now this moment, can I ask you a question? So I feel like acceptance gets a bad rap in a lot of places. It feels like it's a kind of a, well, we're just, it, it feels like inaction. It feels like we're just gonna let this happen because it's happening and we're letting it happen. Feels kind of like the walking all over the doormat type of vibe. And it's not that it's actually quite an active process to be radically accepting of someone or of a situation. And it doesn't mean that we think those things are all okay, either, you know, in this circumstance when my kids weren't hurting each other. But if there was a, a hit or something that happened, it, of course it wouldn't be okay. That one kid hit the other kid.

Andee: Right.

Laura: It's still reality. It's still what happened.

Andee: It’s still the truth.

Laura: Its still the truth.

Andee: You can either accept it or not, right? It's still like, am I going to accept it and use my and how my nervous system start to calm down so I can use my prefrontal cortex and make wise decisions or am I going to stay in resistance and wish things were different which causes my thinking brain to turn off. And I go, you know, straight into reactionary mode, which I'm not proud of. And I love what you brought up with acceptance. They've heard the same exact thing. They think it's passive and they think acceptance means condoning and it's not, it's not, I'm not saying, oh yeah, I'm so glad they're fighting and I'm so glad. No, no, no, no. You know, it's not that at all. So acceptance just means seeing what's happening in front of you and saying this is what is.

Laura: This is what is. You have some questions in your book. Your book is called Connect Method Parenting. And you have some questions in it that I really liked because I feel like sometimes people are, you know, when we get the advice to just accept what's happening, accept what is we don't actually get any information. Okay, so like, what does that look like? And how please and I really love the questions that are in your book. Can we go over them a little bit? 

Andee: Yeah, let's go through them. Yeah. So the first one and in my book, I'm telling about a scenario and then I use the questions to kind of walk through the process I went through. So I guess I will just apply them to the situation you, they're universal, they're universal. So how does what? And then I said he is saying, make perfect sense to him but like what she's doing, how I'm feeling, you know, like you, how does it make sense to your, let's start with your children. So how does, how does what they're saying and doing make perfect sense to them? 

Laura: Oh my gosh. I mean, it makes perfect sense that my one child who found the seashell would be really excited about it would, you know, it was really lovely specimen. It was the biggest one we found our whole trip. Basically, it was something we'd been talking about for months leading up. Of course, she was going to be excited about that and she had no ill intentions in being excited. She was just fully embodying her own emotional experience. And for my other child, same, we had been talking about this trip for a long time thinking about whether we would find a big seashell or not. She desperately wanted to find one and her sister found one instead. And of course, she felt jealous. Of course, she felt sad. Of course, she wondered if there was something that she was doing wrong because she didn't find it because she was right there, too. You know, I mean, of course she was having, it makes so much sense. She was having all of those negative thoughts and it makes so much sense that I would be having the thoughts that I was having, too. It makes so much sense that I would feel frustrated and annoyed and wish my kids could just let it go. I wish that one didn't have to be quite so exuberant and, you know, that the other one didn't have to, you know, be quite so sad. Like, of course, that all makes sense that I would feel that way because it was, you know, it, we feel our kids stuff too. We often take that stuff on even when we know it's theirs and yeah. So, I mean, that makes some, I mean, just even saying those things, I feel so much better. 

Andee: Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah, it gives us perspective on all the, all the things going on in the moment and the next couple of questions you've already answered. Like I, I talk about why they feel there were two children involved in mine too. So it's like, what did he feel? What did she feel? So that's what the next couple are and you already answered all of those. 

Laura: So the next couple questions. So just to read them are what are their words or actions telling me? Yeah, I love, I love that question. So, I mean, those two questions are something I do kind of automatically at this point for myself. So I think what's important for our listeners to know is that this doesn't stop. There is not some magical time, at least not for me. And so, you know, where I won't have to do this, I will be doing this work for the rest of my life. And I've come to accept that.

Andee: I mean, to what you're saying, like anytime you're going to train to run a marathon, you'd have to train to run the mar if you're going to run marathon after marathon, right? You can't just stop training just because you did it once. Right. Life long work. 

Laura: Yes. It's lifelong work. And so like those two things, those first two questions are really good habits for me. By right by now when I start feeling that kind of this regulated panicky feeling of like this is not happening the way I thought I was going to, I know to ask myself those two questions, their habit. But I love your next question. So the next, your next one is, what's the best thing I can do right now for them and me, and that is a question on that beach that morning. I did not ask myself that question. 

Andee: Yeah, I didn't think you could. What would you say now? 

Laura: what the best thing that would have been like the best thing for me to do, would it have been for me to walk ahead? And regulate myself, breathe, you know. So the ocean is a mindful place for me. There's something about the repetition, the sound, the rhythm of the waves and stuff that is really good for my nervous system. The best thing for me to do in that moment would have been to kind of say, all right, I'm going to walk this way for a few minutes by myself. Go do that, get drop into the present moment, get into my body, get back into regulation while my husband who does not get triggered by this sort of thing dealt with the kids. That's what the best thing I should have done. I did not do that, but I wish I had.

Andee: Well. And the reason I wanted to ask is because even if you discover that in hindsight, every time we have that awareness, it helps you next time it will serve you to have the awareness. So I love that always, I'll always regulate ourselves if we can safety first, you know, separate us if there's safety issues and then yeah, take care of ourselves. I love that so good. Yeah. Do you want to read the next one? 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. And so the next two questions are, what am I making this mean about me and why and what am I making this mean about them and why those questions are really helpful. I find those questions challenging for lots of people to answer. Do you find the same thing Andee? 

Andee: I do, I do. I, I found it challenging for me to answer at first too when I started really having the, the ability to even answer the questions. It was like, oh my gosh. Yeah. So what is the most challenging part that you find with people when you're asking them those questions or when? Yeah, that's coming up. 

Laura: I think for the folks that I talked to, the story has been playing in the background of their mind kind of subconsciously for so long that they're not aware of it. And these stories, you know, what am I making this mean? There's usually a a consistent narrative, the circumstances might change, the characters might change. But the story is kind of the same, I'm a mess up, you know, like I'm a mess up. I don't do anything, right. You know, there's some kind of consistency to the narrative and we're so used to that kind of that narrative being in the background. It's this background noise that we just don't even notice anymore. And so learning to quiet and tune into it. It is hard, you know, but I, I think the way I asked my clients often is, what are you telling yourself? You know, what are you saying to yourself? What are, what are the thoughts that are rolling through your head? The storm of thoughts that are just flowing in your brain, what are they saying? And once I can get a client to start saying those things out loud. That's when we find the narrative. What about you, Andee? 

Andee: So powerful. Yeah, I love it. It's super similar to what you're saying. It, it's fascinating because sometimes it's not that the story is inaccessible. They've just never realized.

Laura: That it's happening.

Andee: That it's happening just like what you were saying. It's, it's surprising to them how negative and I will say for most women, they don't have a problem making it some feel something terrible about themselves. They're really comfortable being a failure and having like a beating themselves up, which is really a whole another topic we could talk about. But you know, like women are a lot of women are hard on themselves. They think that's necessary or even useful. But when they and I, I don't think either of those are the case like it's not necessary or useful or helpful. But what's interesting is when they realize what they're making it mean about their kids that their kids are a failure, that their kids are rude or mean. And we start to talk about it, they realize how they do not want to have that story about their children. And that even if they feel like they have the evidence for it, they want to entangle that and they want to believe something different because when you start to talk and you have the awareness you, you want to create something new. And when we start to see like if I am believing this child is rude, for instance, that's what I'm, that's the filter I'm looking through. 

So I'm gonna keep finding evidence for that in my life. And so I want to clean it up. And so once we start untangling and unpacking the not just the story but the impact it's having on their life and the impact it's going to continue to have on them. They wanna, they wanna let it go. So that's my experience and super powerful questions. I find myself asking myself this often like, what am I making that mean about them? And is that and is it true? And can I know it's true? And what if it's not true? What if it's just that because I'd love to say what if it's just that their nervous system is activated? What if they're just struggling today? What if the truth is they're just having a lot of her emotions that haven't filtered through and it's just coming out as an attack on me because I'm a safe person to purge like when you start to see it from that perspective, it's like, oh, I can release this, judge this judgmental story I have about them and now I have compassion. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. And so I like asking what could also be true. You know.

Andee: That's good. That's really good. 

Laura: I think, you know, so I have the joy of getting to run a play group on Mondays. With babies. It's so much fun. And one of the moms was there with her three year old and her three month old and the three year old was helping me clean up. The other kids were all a little young to be really helping with the clean up. But the three year old was helping and he kept, you know, listen to the language. I'm about to use. He kept snatching toys away from the babies to put into my play bin box. Listen to that language snatching. That's the lens. That's the interpretation. It looked like he was doing those things and the mom was so anxious about it. I don't know why he's doing that. He shouldn't take from the babies. And I'm I and I was like, wait, hold on. Let's just everybody take a second to reframe.

What's happening for the sweet three year old. This three year old saw me, his teacher doing clean up and wanted to help this child is being helpful. He is not snatching anything. He's helping these children release the toys and put them in the box, you know, and I mean, and not like meant like that lens shift is super important. And I feel like that's what acceptance does. It helps us step into a place where we can shift our lenses, culture, society. They gave us these lenses to look at our children through, to look at ourselves through. And we don't, we don't have to keep them on. Right? And acceptance allows us to see the lens like to have it come in focus like, oh why I'm wearing that lens again. Let's take this off and remember which ones I'm choosing to see my kids through. You know what I mean? 

Andee: Beautiful. I love that example. It's I could just, yes, exactly what you said. It's so, it's so true that the lens effects and it affects how we see things and it's not personal like the mom was interpreting it that way just because of the lens she was wearing it. There was nothing like all she has.

Laura: There was nothing wrong with her either. 

Andee: Nothing wrong with her. No, she was the child. 

Laura: She's a conscious aware mom who wants her child to be perceived well, in this setting, it was one of her, you know, like second times coming, you know, so she's kind of new, she wanted the community of parents to think well of her. I mean, all good things, all things that make sense and they, and they impact us. They impact how we show up with our kids and, and they're not going anywhere, they're going to be there. Culture is going to be there. We're all swimming around in this culture soup and it's not our fault and it's not going anywhere. We just, it's just our job to be aware of it. 

Andee: So good.

Laura: And raise kids who are aware of it too. What's beautiful about a process like this is that this is also something that you can start modeling for your kids and give your kids the opportunity to start practicing these things too. 

Andee: Yeah, exactly. So good. And there's, there are questions. I, I used to have a three by five card in my back pocket because I'm in my forties. So I didn't always have my cell phone handy and we had cell phones but they weren't smart cell phones, you know, and I'd have my questions right now, you know. So if I started to feel the resistance, I had my little questions. Okay, what do I, you know, and I would go through similar questions to these to help, to help me navigate tricky situations. And you're right on like it helps the kids see how to handle situations, you know, and how to, how to respond. I, I also love that if at the end of the questions, you're not ready to fully accept that you still want to have a little bit of resistance, that's okay too, just to consciously do it and give yourself enough space and time and permission to allow your nervous system to regulate when it's ready, you can't force the process. So I love this just takes as much time as so even accepting the resistance that I might have the residue of it, you know, it, it just takes the amount of time that it takes. And it's beautiful to even just be able to say no, I can't accept this right now, but I'm working on it. I can accept the fact that I'm working on it and I'm still resisting. That's beautiful too. That's beautiful too. 

Laura: Okay, so I feel like when you say that, like I can't accept this, there's this phrase in parenting that we, we hurt ourselves, this is unacceptable behavior. And so I feel like the need to kind of pull that up as a contrast like the, you know, I'm thinking about like, okay, so siblings hitting each other. Yes, we don't, we don't want them hitting each other. So what are you, what do you mean? Like when you say, can I accept this? Are you saying can I, you're not like let's really piece out the condone and the accept, can we really like pull that apart? 

Andee: Yeah. Yeah. 

Laura: Sorry, I was really talking with my hand. Listen, 

Andee: I love it. I love it. I I talked to Yeah. So specifically when I said I can't accept that I was not talking about the behavior necessarily of the kids. I was talking specifically of the introspective question of like, am I able to fully release the resistance I have about this situation? I totally, so I wanted to make sure, but I love that you brought this up, this idea of like a fully like I like unacceptable behavior, right? Like this is unacceptable behavior and understanding the difference like the behavior is just information. Do you agree? Like the behavior is just, and, and tell me if I'm not answering your question correctly and maybe you can read. But I love, like, it's just information, telling me what's going on internally. So that's why I, if you can separate the behavior from the child, like it, it's not because sometimes we label like they're rude or they're, you know, there's, they're doing this behavior and it means this about the child then, yeah, it gets really complicated because now like it's one and the same, but it's like the behavior is information. It's like an SOS signal saying I'm in trouble in here. Can you help me? I'm being really kind because I'm completely dysregulated and I'm really upset and I don't know how to do. I don't know what to do. And that helps me. I don't know, share what share, what helps you. But I just Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. No, I, I totally agree with you. I have a, a mentor uh Ross Green who teaches collaborative and proactive solutions, a model of collaborative problem solving. And he talks about behavior as a symptom and not the root cause I really like that framework. And it's exactly what you're saying. It's information just like when a person has the flu, you know, influenza, they might get a fever, that's a symptom. The fever is not the illness, the fever is not the root cause we might treat the fever by giving you Tylenol or another, you know, fever suppressant or anti-inflammatory, but that won't treat influenza, right? And so we're talking about getting to the root cause and separating those things just like when a child is dysregulated and hitting their sibling, you know, the, the Tylenol, the ibuprofen in the moment is getting in between them saying I can't let you hit your sister, you know, let me help you get your body safe, you know, sweet sister, let me help you get your body safe.

You know, that's treating the thing and then it's all what's underneath is the pro is kind of what you're asking folks to accept the, you know, and so I think that that really piecing that apart is really helpful where no one is asking you to accept your child hitting your other child, right? What we're asking you to accept that they have things going on under the surface that is leading to the hitting and of course we can't, you know, we can't let the hitting happen. We have to be working on giving other, you know, outlets for anger or frustration, other ways of expressing those things. But the underlying anger, frustration, disregulation, tiredness. Those are the things that we can accept that. That's where the kid is and then we can move towards supporting them. Does that, is that what you mean? 

Andee: Yes, 100%. Yeah. You said it beautifully. And I love, I love using the Tylenol analogy, just the surface versus underneath. And it, it's beautiful because that's, that I feel like is the thing that if more conversations or we had about that, like we were because we need to, we just, it's just an understanding. We just need to understand what we're accepting and that we're not just passive, it's very active actually. You know, like you were saying at the beginning, it's a very active process of accepting the human, the person while, while setting a limit on the behavior to create safety to it's necessary. I always say limits, create safety. They can create boundaries and clarity around what is allowed and what's not allowed in a situation. But they aren't necessarily the thing that's going to create healing or significant intrinsic long term change. But we need both, right? You, you absolutely need both tools. So having the right awareness of what we're talking about is super important so that people can, can integrate it into their life and not feel like they're just letting their kids run wild and they have no boundaries. 

Laura: I mean, and so one of the things too that I think is really important to highlight is that on the outside, it can look exactly the same if you have a parent, you know, two parents, both with two kids and they're hitting each other. They, those two parents can do the exact same thing get in the middle, separate, you know, make sure that nobody's body is getting hurt. But the energy of the one who's accepting, oh, my, you know, my kid is really disregulated. They haven't had their snack yet. Who's kind of acknowledging all of those things is drastically different than the energy of the one who's saying, gosh, my kid is just in this hitting phase. He's a hitter. I never thought I'd raise a hitter. You know, like the, the energy, the mindset is really different even though the actions might look exactly the same on the surface. Do you know what I mean? 

Andee: Exactly. Yeah, I, I talk about the fuel, right? We want clean, clean fuel versus, you know, if you put dirty fuel into your car, it's gonna, it might get you where you wanna go, but it's not gonna be as helpful for the, for the longevity of the car, you know. And so it's exactly what you're saying and it goes back to that, the mirror neurons and sending out those messages and the mapping that our kids do. Yeah. It, it definitely makes a difference. The beliefs behind the emotions and the beliefs behind the actions we take. They matter.

Laura: And it feels better to us. I was just talking with a parent about how she's, you know, she came into my membership community because she's realized that the, the respectful parenting kind of tactics that have gotten her to age five are starting to not feel good anymore. Because her child's getting bigger, getting stronger, she's having to use a little bit more force and it's just she's learning, she needs new strategies and because it does, it, the like it feels different to come in from a place of, oh, I see you with compassion and grace. I see you're having a hard time and I can't let you hit your sister. And so I'm coming in here and moving you away versus you. I need to get control of my child. This is unacceptable behavior. You can't do this, you know, like just the, the, the love that comes out of our hands when we lovingly move a child away versus the frustration and the tension in our fingers as we frustrate, you know, and we've all probably, you know, had moments where we've maybe been too frustrated and should have gone and taken a breath instead of interacting, you know. But do you know what I'm saying? Like it just feels different to us too. There's a qualitative difference.

Andee: and it feels so different to the child. Yeah. There, there's a safety if, if we want them to want, I, I always use, want to listen to us. It's, it's one thing to get a child to listen to you. You can do that through force, you can do that through manipulation. You can do that lots of ways. But to get them to want to listen to you, I believe and I'd love to have you comment on this? This is my belief is that I believe that requires a regulated nervous system, a, a clear compassionate understanding of what's actually going on with the child space for them to be messy. For us to be able to create a relationship that's so trusting and, and strong that we can in the same scenario, both say, I unconditionally love and accept you and nothing you can do would ever change that. And this behavior is, is I'm going to put a limit on this behavior. It's not something we're going to do right now. And to be able to communicate both messages simultaneously allows the attachment to stay strong, them to not react to our activated nervous system. Because that's often what's happening is we're, we're one of the parties is, is reaction, you know, having an activated nervous system. So the natural tendency is we react in kind and then we just, you know, the tug of war ensues and from there. 

But when we refuse to engage in the tug of war, they might be so activated and so frustrated and so disappointed by something or what the child is. And if we can show up and what you're describing is a regulated nervous system because we have the correct understanding of developmentally what's going on with them emotionally, what's going on with them. And I'm sending out a signal of love and acceptance while setting a limit like that changes everything. And now they get the opportunity to respond to us in that scenario. And so many parents I've worked with will come back and say you will not believe this. And I'm, I'm so cute. They're like, you will not believe this. But the other night my child was doing XYZ and all I did was I just set the limit and I sat with them in the chair and within five minutes like it was done and they cried, you know, they had felt their emotions fully through and I call it the mad to sad trip like they resist and they, then they get sad and they surrender and they complete the emotional cycle, right?

They, they, the child's back to regulated the chi the the the parent is regulated and then what happens is the capacity for love and attachment and trust. I feel like you get double the return on those scenarios because I think if the child can trust you when they're at their worst, then, then their nervous system says this is a really safe person, you can bring them anything and they will be there for you. And that just, it changes, it's just this ripple effect. It changes the experience for everyone involved. And it's, it really feels like magic because we've been taught, it's what we do and it's what we say and it's really what we feel and what we think that then generates the do and the say but, you know, like that's what matters and then, but like you said, it could look on the outside, the exact same, but on the inside it is, there's no similarities between what's going on. Yeah. 

Laura: And, and like you said, the child's experience of it is radically different. I think that was a beautiful explanation. Thank you for sharing that with us. 

Andee: You’re so welcome.

Laura: Oh I really love this conversation. 

Andee: Me, too. Yeah.

Laura: I want to make sure that folks are able, you know, folks listening to my podcast are able to find yours and vice versa. 

Andee: Mine, yours.

Laura: So my podcast is the balanced parents. You can listen anywhere you get your podcast. I love to have, you know, anybody who's listening to Andee’s podcast, you'll feel right at home. 

Andee: You're gonna love her. Yeah, you're gonna love that one. 

Laura: Yeah. And what about you, Andee? 

Andee: So mine is connect method parenting. I tried to keep it super simple. Same name as my book. Yeah. And, and did know if you're listening to this on my podcast feed, you're gonna love, you're gonna love all the stuff that, that you're gonna hear over on the other podcast on, on Laura's podcast. So, yeah, I feel like we have the same, the same purpose mission to go out and help, help get this information out to parents. And I,yeah.

Laura: I so agree. It's really lovely finding colleagues. This is, I don't know how you feel, but working online like this can feel quite lonely at times I miss my colleagues in academia. That's the one thing about academia about being a professor that I really miss is being able to just, like, walk down the hall and geek out about child development with someone. So it's really nice to, to get to connect with you, Andee. And I hope we can do this again. 

Andee: Oh, me too. We'll have to do a few more. I feel like we could have gone down a few other rabbit holes but we tried to keep it to acceptance, but I hope we did and I think we go some of those other things that I was tempted, but I'm like, stay on the train. I know it was really lovely and I, and I feel the same way. It's, it's beautiful to collaborate online with someone who's like minded and shared mission and, and really, I think what we both want is just to empower more parents to feel like they are capable of, of bringing this kind of parenting into their home and to feel how amazing it feels, even though it might feel a little scary at first. 

Laura: And I mean, and it's no joke. It's hard work. It's intense. You know, it's, it's hard work but it's good work and it feels, it feels so good to know that you're doing it. And I, I think, you know, a lot of us are hoping that if we do this work now our kids will have less work to do, they'll have their own work, but maybe a little bit less.

Andee: Maybe a little less because of us. 

Laura: Yes, hopefully.

Andee: Yeah. Life brings it all. So they get, they get their own experience right? 

Laura: They’ll get their own experience, right?

Andee: Yeah.

Laura: Andee thank you again.

Andee: Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you too. This is so wonderful. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 178: Parenting Beyond Power with Jen Lumanlan

Welcome to another episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast. We are joined by a distinguished guest and author, Jen Lumanlan. Jen, who holds an M.S. in Psychology (Child Development) and an M.Ed. Jen is not only the esteemed host of the Your Parenting Mojo podcast but also the author of the beautiful book, "Parenting Beyond Power” which delves into the importance of recognizing parents' needs, advocating for oneself, and finding a balance between family obligations and personal well-being.

Here are some of the takeaways:

  • Jen's self-identification as autistic and its influence on her parenting and podcasting perspective

  • Exploring the importance of identifying and understanding both our own needs and the needs of our children

  • Distinction between needs and strategies in parenting

  • Parents struggle to prioritize their own needs and its impact on parenting

  • Recognizing and advocating for parental needs

To connect with Jen, visit her website yourparentingmojo.com and her Facebook group Your Parenting Mojo.

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT:

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we're gonna have one of my oldest colleagues and friends on the show to talk about her new book, Parenting Beyond Power. It is a gorgeous book, super helpful and detailed and with these lovely little shifts and the way you see your child, their behavior and yourself and your own behavior. Oh, I loved it. You must run out and get it today. But please welcome to the show, Jen Lumanlan. She's, I just, I'm so happy to have her back. She's been on the show before. We kind of grew up together in this kind of parent coaching world. Jen, it's so nice to see you again. How are you doing? 

Jen: I'm okay. Thanks for asking. I'm really glad to be here. I got COVID about three weeks ago and yeah, I was prepared for the COVID period and then I found out, oh, there's actually like a month where you're gonna have a cough for a long time after that. So I'm still sort of in that phase. So not quite up to a full capacity but really happy to be here. 

Laura: Are you able to use some of the, the wisdom you've gained in writing your book? You know, your book dives into kind of recognizing your needs, advocating for yourself, figuring out how to balance your needs and your family's needs and the needs of the world. Are you able to use some of that right now? I'm sorry. This is like a total off the cuff question. 

Jen: Yes. Yes. It absolutely helps. And I think, this, this may not sound like a very restorative practice. But we, we were in Vancouver for the book tour where that's where I got COVID and we were staying in, in quite a small one bedroom apartment and my daughter kiss was having a really hard time with it. And just so it was, you know, in a basement unit and there's something it didn't, it didn't really affect me, but I could see her bouncing off the walls. And so when we came down to Seattle, I really made a strong effort to connect with the local homeschooling community here because we're, we're homeschooling. And so we've been going out a couple times a week and there's also a, a family here that we are friends with and we've been seeing them and, and so meeting her needs more of the time, right? For socialization, for fun, for play with others, helps me to meet my need for it because it's harder for me when it's, when she's bouncing off the walls. So, sort of really stepping towards supporting her and meeting her needs ends up helping me and yeah, that's absolutely, you know, all throughout the book. 

Laura: Beautiful. Okay, so why don't you just tell us a little bit about yourself and just for the folks who don't know you, I feel like everybody should know you already, but in case they don't, you are the host of the, Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. You are the person who hosted me on my very first podcast interview. Yeah, I know so fun like so long ago now. But why don't you tell folks a little bit about who you are and what you do and then we'll dive into talking about your beautiful book and how we can move beyond power in our parenting. 

Jen: Thanks. Yeah. So I launched the podcast. Gosh, it's gotta be almost seven years ago now and I started it because I was getting all of these emails when my daughter was a baby from, you know, all the baby websites that you sign up for. And I would get these clickbait headlines like five reasons, you know, five ways to tell your child has a developmental delay. And it's, you know, it's clearly designed to get you to panic, to click through to see the ads. And if they ever did reference an academic study it was, you know, study says growth mindset is key and then here are 20 ways to get growth mindset never actually helping you to understand. Okay is growth mindset really a thing we should be paying attention to. Does this latest study fit with the body of research that came before it. Does it completely refute that body of research that came before it, we have no idea. And so I started the podcast to, to really be the resource that I wanted to have in the world and to look at academic research and use it as a guide for parenting because I realized that I'm, I'm, I don't have much parenting instincts and I don't have amazing parenting role models. 

And so I'm gonna need something else to guide me. And so that's why I started the podcast. And then I was sort of on this journey where I started to understand a bit more about my white privilege as a parent, I started looking at patriarchy and capitalism and realizing that the, the researchers are swimming in that same toxic cultural soup that we all are. And so when the researchers are saying, you know, success looks like this to, to raise a child who is successful, you need to do X, what we're ultimately talking about is raising a child who is going to be successful in a white supremacist patriarchal capitalist culture. And that if we want to have a culture to be in a culture to raise our children who are in a culture that is run according to different principles than that. Then the academic research doesn't really get us all the way there and we actually have to do things a little bit differently even than the research points out. So I'm still research based, still using that as kind of a grounding but always looking at it critically saying is this really ultimately where we want to go? 

Laura: I love that. I just want to say I've loved the shift that's come in your podcast in the past 2 to 3 years, seeing, seeing more of you come out into your podcast too. More of the kind of.

Jen: In so many ways. 

Laura: Yeah, I, I just, I, I really loved and enjoyed that. I, you know, I left academia with a little bit of disillusionment about the research process and what it meant to people who were actually living the lives of parents. That's why I left in a huge part. And so it's really lovely to have a conversation with someone who is, you know, using the information as a good starting point and then teaching parents how to filter through their own understanding of what's right for them, their own values, what's what they want for their kids, they want for their family, what they want for the world and using that information to, you know, but still having a, a good understanding of themselves and just trust in themselves too. I just, I've really loved that from you. 

Jen: Oh, thank you. Yeah, I will say I get a lot of criticism for it that I get people who leave me reviews on itunes saying I just want the data, I just want the science, I don't appreciate the bias that this podcast host brings to it. And to me that's kind of a fundament fundamental misunderstanding of what science is because the bias is still there. It's under the veneer. Yeah, there's just this veneer of objectivity that says this is science and so it's value neutral when actually the, the bias is baked into the way the researcher asked the question and what their sample size is and who they're sampling and how they and all of it. Yes. 

Laura: Yes, one hundred percent.

Jen: So, yeah. So it gets me in trouble sometimes. 

Laura: Well, I think, I think it's good to piss people off sometimes. Like I, you know, sometimes that tells us that we're doing something right. You know, if we are wanting to challenge the status quo and I mean, most of us are doing parenting in a different way, we're wanting to raise our kids differently than how we were raised, right? 

Jen: Yeah. Yeah. And you may have heard on the podcast that 18 months this year ago, I self diagnosed as autistic and a parent reached out to me and said I knew you're autistic a year ago and said something like, you know, you dive deep into it, research and your willingness to buck the social norms and there was something else as well, all characteristics of my favorite people. And so, yeah, so I didn't know that at the time. I know that now. But yeah, so I think some of it is linked to, to the autism. 

Laura: I'm, I think that's a beautiful example though, of modeling how to be in the world and the delights that our neurodiversity brings to the world, the beautiful gifts that we have. My daughter was recently diagnosed as autistic, too. And the oh gosh, just the process of her coming into her kind of autism identity, how positive it is. But, but it's just is a, this beautiful thing is so different than what it was like growing up in the eighties and nineties. The way she's accepted and out kind of out in her school and it's just a beautiful thing. And so I, I love that you are feeling vulnerable and that or I mean, safe enough to be vulnerable in that way and to talk about yourself and accept yourself in that full, in that full capacity and it's beautiful. 

Jen: Yeah. And I kind of wanted to use it as a model for other parents to be able to say, oh, if I'm seeing some things happening, maybe understanding more about myself can help me fit these pieces together. And I, I mean, ultimately, we're all kind of telling stories about our experience that, that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. But it can be really helpful to us when our stories have more coherence. And so the the autism piece kind of helps to give my story a bit more coherence. And yeah, I did actually get another email from another listener saying, you know, conceptually, I knew before that everybody has value, that neuro divergence has value. But it wasn't until you said you're autistic that I saw how much value I get from how deep you go into the research. And so now I, you know, I truly on a, on a bodily level, I get the value that neuro divergence brings to us. And so that was a really a really sweet moment for me. 

Laura: Oh, that must have been really meaningful to hear. Oh gosh, good. I'm so glad. Okay, so kind of a little on this, this topic of worthiness. I, I wonder if we can talk a little bit about, sorry. I'm wanting to word this question. Well, so, you know, I, I, for me just personally, I, I received an an a ADHD diagnosis over this past year and it helped me see in my world some things that I had been shamed for, blamed for that I thought I was just bad at and kind of a bad person for being bad at. It helped me to see them in a completely new light with lots more grace and compassion and it helped me shift quite a few areas of my life where I was still pretty hard on myself. I don't know if that's been a little bit of your experience too. Yes. Yeah. 

Jen: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it has allowed me to lean into sharing it with others. Right. So I'll, I'll, I'll often be in workshops and the particular way the autism shows up for me is in social communication and kind of reading body language and reading subtext of what's being said. If the, if the subtext is different from what, what's actually being said, I don't catch the subtext. And so when somebody is sitting with me in a workshop and they kind of sitting there with their arms crossed, I now have the capacity to be able to say to them, you know, I'm autistic and I'm having a hard time understanding if you're like not aligned with me or if you're just cold, can you help me understand that? And so it's really helped me from that perspective to be able to see when I don't understand things happening, which previously sort of happened just below the surface. 

And it's also helped in my relationship with my husband and an example of that is when he, he likes to have air purifiers on in our house, when we're at home and the low hum of that just drives me batty. It's like constant mental energy to hear it. And so I would walk around the house, turning them down or off and he would walk around the house, turning them back on. And once we found that, oh, this isn't just Jen being awkward. This is, you know, this, this is a part of autism all of a sudden he would sometimes turn the fans off. And so, you know, I think there's part of it is like, why couldn't this just be a conversation we could have had before, right? Why wasn't it okay for me to want quiet before when now I have the self diagnosis. It's suddenly okay. But at least we're now able to understand that better and, and he is now supporting me more effectively in some of the ways that it's really meaningful for me to be supported. 

Laura: That's wonderful. So I feel like that brings us to a really important part of your, your book. So your book spends a lot of time on identi identifying needs, the needs of others, our own needs and teaching us and children how to work together so that everybody's needs are being met in creative ways, as opposed to using kind of more traditional approaches to, to discipline, to kind of get the obedience and control that many parents are seeking when or think they're supposed to be seeking. 

Jen: Yeah. 

Laura: And so what you were just talking about is, was an interesting piece of that because I think that it's really difficult to know what your needs are. 

Jen: Yeah. 

Laura: This new piece of self understanding helped you understand why a need for quiet is a valid need for you. But even if you didn't have this diagnosis, it's still a valid need, right? 

Jen: It kind of is. Yeah. And it always was to me.

Laura: It always was right. So what is it what, you know? So I feel like we could, we could totally talk a little bit about, I would love to talk just a little bit about identifying needs, our own and our children. And then I would just love to dig into how we can trust that our needs are valid and, and go a little deeper in there. So first let's just talk about needs and, and why it's so important for us to understand our needs and our kids needs in order to have a peaceful collaborative, harmonious home. 

Jen: Yeah. Gosh, I mean that, that just, that cuts to the heart of what the book is really about. And that when we understand what our needs are and we get those met and we understand what our child needs are and we're able to help our child meet those needs. We're just in a fundamentally different relationship than we are when we're telling them, you know, this is how it's going to be done. This is what we're gonna do and this is how you're going to do it. And I think that it can be confusing for parents in the early days because we tend to use the word need as a way of kind of absolving ourselves of responsibility for the thing we're asking them to do, right? So I might say I need you to get in the car. That's not actually a need, right? I might need have a need for a competence in my work if I'm dropping my child off at daycare and then going to work. And I've said I'm going to be there at a certain time and I have a meeting. I might have a need for ease, for calm, for peace, for harmony in the morning, for collaboration with my child. All of those are needs. And I, I think that I need, you too is a really key indicator that the next thing about to come out of your mouth is not actually a need. 

Laura: Yeah.

Jen: So, so when we, yeah, so, so when we understand what our needs are and then write the critical piece also understanding what our child's needs are. Why are they resisting this thing that we're asking them to do? It's because they have a need that they're trying to meet and resisting is the best way that they see to do that. And and this is, I think another way that my autism comes into play is I'm a master pattern seeker. And so I'm always looking for patterns in behavior, right? So is this pattern only coming up on school days? In which case, maybe there's something happening at school with a teacher with another child at school that is difficult and and and our child is trying to postpone that moment of entry into school. Maybe it's the separation. So we see it coming up on school days and any time you the child off at grandma's house. And so they have a need for comfort and safety, maybe it's happening every day and it doesn't matter where we're going, even if we're going to the park and then we're looking at things like, well, are their clothes comfortable? Are they resisting, getting dressed because their clothes are uncomfortable. Are they not wanting to get in the car seat because they're feeling bored or, you know, they're looking for a sense of joy and play. 

So we're so we're looking for these patterns to help us understand what are our child's needs even before they can start articulating them to us. And then when once we see both of these needs, we find many, many, many ways to meet both of our needs. And, and so it's not that sort of, you know, I'm suddenly a permissive parent who is doing everything to meet my child's needs. Not at all. That's just perpetuating patriarchy, right? Where I'm the caregiver and I'm just getting walked all over. What we're saying is you have needs as a parent and you deserve to get your needs met and your child has needs to and they deserve to get them met. And it is possible the vast majority of the time to meet both of your needs. 

Laura: Okay. And one of the things that you talk about that I really like in the book is helping parents differentiate what between what's a need and what is a strategy that we're currently employing to get the need met. And I really love when you talk about how we are often don't have actually a conflict of needs, but really a conflict of strategies. Can you tell our audience, teach our audience a little bit about that because it's really a helpful way to frame things. 

Jen: Yeah. So I, I've done training in what's called nonviolent communication, which is basically what this method is, right? It's, it's nonviolent communication. And for some reason, most people don't think to apply to children and I'm not really sure why because it really makes parenting easier.

Laura: Because children are humans. 

Jen: Yeah. Oh, yeah, we got that part. 

Laura: We don't think of children as full human beings worthy of dignity and respect. 

Jen: And so, so that's why we don't think about doing this kind of communication with them. So, pretty much whenever, I mean, virtually always, whenever we're having a conflict with somebody we're having a conflict, not over our underlying needs, only over the strategies we're using to meet our needs. And sort of a touchstone example that I come back to over and over again is a time when I just got sick of unloading the dishwasher at our house and it, it's been broken for a long time. So this hasn't happened in a while. But, I would put my oatmeal on for three minutes in the microwave. So I would, I would know it wouldn't take that long, right? It's not uh an objectively difficult task. It's three minutes to unload the dishwasher and I just got sick of doing it. Why am I doing this every single day? And my husband would swan out of the bedroom at 9:30 or 10 in the morning and make his fancy coffee and sit there with his Instagram and his coffee and his toast. And I'm like, but I've already unloaded the dishwasher. I've done two hours of work. I fed myself, I fed my daughter, right? Why, why, why is this happening? And so I picked a fight with him over why he doesn't unload the dishwasher? 

And in the back of Parenting Beyond Power, there are lists of needs, list of feelings and you will not find anything related to dishwashers on that need list. It did not exist. And what were so what were my needs, right? My needs were for collaboration, for partnership, to feel like we're on the same team. And I had latched on to that strategy of getting him to unload the dishwasher as the only way that I would find acceptable to have that need for partnership. And if I had instead gone to him and said, you know, I'm, I'm kind of feeling overwhelmed and I'm wishing that I could feel like we're more on the same team. Would you be willing to, to help me think through some ways we could do that? We would have come up with things like him doing grocery shopping, him doing more cooking, him taking our daughter out to, to go play so I can get some work done, right? 100 strategies we could have used maybe three of which have anything to undo with unloading the dishwasher. And so, so that's what we mean by, by fighting of a strategy. So anytime we're saying to our child, I need you to or you have to or even we have to, right? We have to go now. Well, no, we don't. Maybe I have a need for, for nourishment, for food. And I can see that you have a need for joy and play and how can we meet both of those needs, right. That's the kind of conversation that we're moving towards. 

Laura:  I love this. Okay. So one of the questions that I get from parents all the time is, okay, but at some point, they just have to put their dang shoes on and get in the car because I can't be late for work every day of my life. 

Jen: Yeah. 

Laura: So what do we do? What do, what do parents do? 

Jen: Yeah. Yeah. So firstly, I would say let's not have that conversation as we're trying to get out the door because everybody's tempers are riled up. And is that a moment when you're going to be able to be a calm and empathetic presence for your child? Possibly not. Right? So how about we just get out the door today in whatever way we can. And then this evening when everybody's calm and well regulated and fed and feeling okay or maybe even this weekend if right, school is difficult the beginning of a school year. And, and, and there isn't really a really regulated time this evening, we could put it off to this weekend and then we hear to our child and say something like, hey, I've noticed we've been having a bit of a hard time getting out the door in the morning. Can we talk about that? Right. So, we're not saying, you know, I, I want to talk about how you're gonna put your shoes on or how you're resisting or how you're refusing to do this. Right? Because if I say those things, it's like, no, I don't want to talk about that. We're locating this as a problem that we both have that we both have a stake in would you be willing to have a conversation with me? We have to be willing to accept no, as an, as a, as a valid answer. Assuming they're willing to come along, we can try to understand, our feelings and their feelings. Right. I'm, I'm wondering what's going on for you when we're, when we're getting out the door. 

It seems as though maybe you're feeling kind of frustrated and maybe even sometimes angry when I ask you to put your shoes on. I know I'm feeling really frustrated as well. And when I'm trying to understand what our needs are, and I'm wondering if maybe you have a need for autonomy, which means you get to decide things that feel really important to you. Does that feel right? And then you're looking for them to kind of come towards you with a Yes, yes. That, that, that's it.  Or if that's not it, right? I'm wondering, are your shoes uncomfortable or are you? I know that means that we're going to drop you off at daycare and gosh, are you looking for a connection with me in the morning? Do you just want to be close to me? So we're looking to understand what, why are they resisting putting their shoes on? Right. And what are my needs, right? My need is not to get the shoes on. My need is for competence in my work for ease, peace, harmony, partnership, collaboration, all those things. So, I know a lot of parents will sort of come at this from the mindset of, but they're seven, they should be able to put their shoes on. 

This is not that hard. And when we approach it from that mindset, we get into this conflict of strategies, right? But if we can see this as their real need, right. Maybe it's, maybe it is the need for connection and they are resisting because they know that every moment they resist is another moment they get to spend with you and they love you so much. So could we instead of telling them to put their shoes on? Could we kneel down and help them ease their foot in, you know, do the laces up, fold the velcro over or whatever it is and have that be a beautiful moment of connection and then lo and behold our child's need for connection is met while our need for competence in our work, for ease, for harmony, for collaboration, for partnership, all of those needs get met as well. If we can get past this idea that my child is extra years old and should be able to do this by themselves. Why won't they just co-operate?

Laura: I love this. Oh I and I love the idea of looking under these needs. So I think that so many times parents are, I mean, gosh, we have a lot going on. I I mean just they there's so many presses on our time and so little support for parents, really. And I, I think that it is so tempting for us to just want to ask people like you or people like me. Laura, Jen, just tell me what to do, tell me what to say so that they'll get their shoes on. And what you're asking us to do is instead of say a certain thing, read a script is to get to know ourselves and get to know our kids and develop an authentic 1:1 relationship with them where we go through life together as a team. We doing this, you know, you talk in the book about power with instead of power over and that's really where that shift comes in. I love that, so much. 

Jen: It's found a different way of being in a relationship with other people. 

Laura: It is, and the thing is too, is that you're gonna spend the time anyway, you know, really we're gonna spend the time anyway with these kids. You know, I was talking with a parent the other day. We were talking about teeth brushing and the, the dad was saying exactly what you just said. He, he should be able to do this. It shouldn't, it shouldn't have to be a battle. And, you know, and we were, we were talking about what his son is like what he might because I don't know, I don't know their kids, you know, they know their kids, but they might like and stuff and I'm like, it's so you could spend 10 minutes wrestling him, holding him down and brushing his teeth, or you could spend 10 minutes telling an entertaining story about all of the animals hiding in his teeth, you know, and that you're brushing away or, you know, the skeletons from dinosaur, the dinosaur fossils or whatever his kid is into, you know, like you're gonna spend the 10 minutes anyway, like it may as well be 10 minutes that connects you that fulfills the the child's needs and on some level at probably fulfills the parents needs too. You know, they, we have these higher order needs of, of, you know, getting things done, but we also need connection with our kids. So we have those needs too. We didn't decide to become parents just so that we could have little people to order around most of us. You know, if we're listening to those parenting podcast, most of us had kids because we wanted to have a really good relationship with them. 

Jen: Yeah. Yeah. And I think the key to recognize in the toothbrush example is if the child is looking for joy and connection in that moment, then that strategy, right? The strategy of making it playful will quote unquote work. If the child is looking for autonomy, 

Laura: Yes.

Jen: I get to decide what happens to my body. Then a very different set of strategies will work, right? Then we're looking at things like where are we going to brush? You get to decide that you get to decide which quadrant of your mouth we do first. You get to decide which toothbrush we use and which tooth uh piece flavor we use, right? We, we did toothbrush for six months in the living room because the resistance was just about, you know, I hear you saying this is really important and there's not a negotiation on whether toothbrush is going to happen. But I'm going to let you decide as much of it as possible. And that feels like a meaningful decision to my daughter. So, yeah, so we brushed with fluoride free toothpaste in the living room. So she didn't have to spit it out and eventually we transitioned back to the bathroom and it wasn't a problem anymore. 

Laura: Yeah, I love, I, I love the, you know, there, there's so much that goes on with teeth brushing too because there's also a sensory experience, an incredibly intense sensory experience for kids, you know, so it might be things like exploring different styles of toothbrushes, you know, non filming toothpastes. My, one of my kids has to have a non filming toothpaste because the feel of the foam in her mouth makes her gag, you know, and for a long time.

Jen: We we're focused on just brush your freaking teeth. We miss that.

Laura: Or try to like you enough to like make it it playful enough to you know, to get you to do the thing that's still controlling, right? So, it's really about understanding our kids and their needs. So I guess one of the things I would love to talk about, that you kind of, you bring up in your book. Why is it so hard? So, we've talked about kids needs. I'd love to talk about the parents needs. You said before that, that we are able to have needs that we're entitled to have our needs that we're human beings, you know, worthy of having our needs met too. And I feel like that is something that is so easy to say and yet so hard for us to truly believe sometimes for some parents. Why is it so hard for us to really believe that? 

Jen: Yeah. So I'm wondering if you'd be willing to to go on a little journey with me and I'm feeling a little hesitant about it because of the way that you raised this earlier. So you, you talked about your ADHD diagnosis, right? And how that had sort of put a different lens on characteristics about yourself you'd had a hard time with and I'm guessing that you were punished and shamed for doing some of these things and maybe rewarded for doing the opposite of some of these things. And I'm wondering if you'd be willing to share with us, what were some of the things that you were rewarded for doing and some of the things that you were punished and shamed for doing. 

Laura: So I was, let's see, I mean, ii, I, as a sensitive person, I think I experienced a lot of things as shaming that perhaps were intended to be. I just want to preface that by like, I, I have lovely parents who made lots of human mistakes and we have a good relationship. You know, just in case they're listening, I love you, mom and dad. You know, they don't often listen. But I think, I mean, gosh, I mean, I was careless and disorganized with things, you know, like there was definitely morality, you know, as a part of tidiness and being able to keep things organized and not losing my homework or for getting my lunch box or leaving like money laying around. Like my parents had a an envelope titled Laura's found money that if they found my money laying around the house, they would put it in there and I would have to like, I don't know, like beg and grovel to get it back out in order to be able to use it. So, I mean, there those are some of the things, but I, I was also very, very shy, I'm extremely introverted. I know people find that hard to believe because I do a job like this. But um, you know, the speaking engagements take a lot out of me energetically. And so I was definitely pressured to hide that part of myself to be outgoing, what I didn't really feel like to be friendly to, oh gosh, to not be dramatic or so sensitive, you know, all of those things and I was highly rewarded for academic success and like athletic competence too. 

Jen: Okay, okay. So thank you, thank you for sharing that.

Laura: Sorry, that’s a lot.

Jen: Sorry, you cut out. What did, what did you say? 

Laura: It was too much. Sorry. 

Jen: Oh, no, no, no, not at all. So, so I do, I've been doing a lot of workshops with parents and with teachers about the ideas in the book. And so we, we sort of in a way, we kind of started a little bit back to front in this conversation that we started out talking about the tools and the book starts in a very different place. The book starts by helping us to understand how we've been impacted by really big social forces like white supremacy, patriarchy and capitalism. And so the, the reason that I asked you what kinds of things that you were rewarded and punished for doing was because we can see how these fit within the framework of those social ideas, right? And so when we, when firstly, if we start with white supremacy, Tema Okun did some work. It was probably about 20 years ago now to to think about how white supremacy showed up in in organizations. And more recently, an anti racist educator named Amanda Gross has translated that into how it shows up in families. And and so I just want to be clear about what’s what white supremacy is, right? It's not about hating white people. I'm white, this is, this is a, a system of power and dominance where whiteness is valued and white ways of being in the world are valued. And so what are white ways of being in the world? Well, white ways of being in the world are perfect, right? You're perfect. You do everything perfectly every time. Things like being careless, being disorganized, being untidy, forgetting things. None of those are perfect. 

Laura: No, definitely not. 

Jen: Right?

Laura: Yeah. 

Jen: There very often, I also see sort of this fear of open conflict as well. The idea that there are people whose, whose comfort deserve to be protected at all costs and it it's not like they even make. 

Laura: My dad’s.Yes. 

Jen: Yes. Okay. So, so now we're starting to see links with patriarchy, right? Very often. There's a male figure sitting at the top of the household who who is afraid of conflict, who is defensive when there is conflict. And if, if anybody raises a need or says the way that we're doing things right now is not working for me, then that person shuts that down at all costs, right? It's not okay to threaten my sense of comfort, my sense of safety. You are the problem. You need to stop doing this thing that is threatening me. And oh, now we put that little bit of ourselves in a box and we say, okay, I, I, I know I can't show that part of myself to my dad. I have this need, but I'm just gonna put it over here and kind of pretend that it's not there anymore. And then over time we forget that it's even in there. And then we're shocked that we have no idea what our needs are. 

Laura: And okay. And so, oh sorry, I, you froze for a second there. So that makes complete sense. You know, we've put it in this box, we've walked things away. What is the, why do we do that? Why did as kids do we do we put those things away. It's not like a child is thinking like, oh I'm embedded in patriarchy and I need to make sure I do this, you know, like what if, what is going on in the child's mind when this is happening? 

Jen: So the child is thinking I need love and care and acceptance and belonging more than anything else. And these parents, these caregivers, whoever, whoever my caregivers are the primary way I can get that right. We adults have other places, we can get that kind of support. We have partners, we have our own parents, maybe. We have friends we have therapists, we have lots of other places that we can get support. Our children basically have us and they look to us for this model of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. And so, so I, I wanna be clear that our parents didn't do this to hurt us, right? They didn't say I'm gonna do this on purpose. I'm gonna hurt my child. Our parents looked out into the world and saw, oh my goodness, Laura is never going to be successful if she is this careless, this disorganized, this untidy, if she forgets this many things. And so I am going to train her, which may hurt her a little bit right now, but I have to do it, right? There's no alternative because if Laura goes out into the world with all of these capacities, right? The the shyness, the introversion, which is, you know, the opposite of what a good girl is like. Yeah, a good girl is supposed to be out there and making friends with people and managing everybody else's feelings, not primarily taking care of her own feelings. 

The the academic success, right? That's linked to capitalism and, and and how your your brain power was valued because it could get you success in the world because it could buy you things, right? Our parents saw all of the things implicitly or explicitly and they they may not have had the language to be able to say oh yeah, I see white supremacy. I see patriarchy. I see capitalism they may have just seen, oh, yeah, Laura. Laura's gonna get punished for, for, for for, for being careless, for, for forgetting things, for being too shy. So I'm gonna make sure that she doesn't do those things too much now and it may hurt her a little bit and, and that's an acceptable price to pay because I think she's gonna be better off in the long run. And so when I work with parents, the the this has not been a positive experience for the majority of them that this shutting their feelings down in a box has not resulted in them doing better in the world. This is a process that really hurt us even though our parents did it with the absolute best of intentions because they wanted our success. 

Laura: Yeah. And how does, how does do the echoes of that impact us now as parents? 

Jen: Yes. So, so very often what we see is that parents can kind of keep a lid on it and I was really good at this, keeping, keeping a lid on the whole thing until I became a parent, right? And then we become parents and then maybe our child gets to the same developmental stage that we got to when we started getting careless, disorganized, untidy, right? Forgetting things. And then all of a sudden there is this massive internal conflict inside the parent and it, and it's like, you know, if you're, if you're listening to this podcast and you believe in respectful parenting, you probably want your child to be able to express their whole selves and to know that their whole self is lovable and acceptable. And then there's that part of you that got shot in the box that, that's thinking, but I would have been punished for doing all those things. This is not cool. They're, they're never gonna be able to succeed in life if they don't learn now. But, but wait, I want them to be able to know they're lovable and acceptable. But, and so there's this massive sort of tension and that's where. Yes. Yeah, I, I, that's where I, I see a lot of parents show up in my taming your triggers workshop because that's when we start yelling at our kids that the whole thing just kind of explodes out and it seems like it's coming out of nowhere, but sometimes in our mother's voice and it's not coming out of nowhere. It's coming out of all of the feelings and needs that we stuffed down into that box for so long. 

Laura: Okay. And so part of it sounds like part of the solution is starting to recognize our children's needs really committing to that as, you know, committing to our values and making sure that what we're doing, what in and what we're enacting in our home is conscious and aware and, and driven by kind of the child in front of us and what we value, where does it cut? Like where does our own kind of work come in to play? Because for me doing that kind of like, I don't know, like white knuckling through that is exhausting and impossible to do for a long term. So how can we make this? You know, I, I, again, I love how you talk about our needs but for a person who's been suppressing their needs, you know, not even recognizing that they have them for so long and that the needs of, you know, thinking what like you were just, you just illustrated the thinking that these needs that I have not only are, you know, do I have them? But having them makes me unlovable. The very act of having them makes me unlovable. That's why they were shut away. So then how do we go about accepting? Like, I mean, you do a great job of teaching us how to be aware of the needs that we have. 

How do we go about accepting that we have them in the first place that we have that we have them and giving ourselves permission to advocate for them without so much guilt around it. In your book, you give this, I'm sorry. In this, in your book, you give this example about and setting boundaries around like the, the child wants. I don't know, a blue cup instead of the red cup and the parent who perhaps has been up four times and now just wants to sit, being able to say, you know, you're welcome to go get the cup that you want. I'm, I'm not willing to get up right now. And that feels, I know for so many parents reading that they are thinking to themselves. I could never do that. I would feel so guilty. I, that would, I could never do that to my child. You know, and at the same time, every time we don't set those boundaries, we're abandoning ourselves in the same way. We were forced to abandon ourselves growing up, you know? So what, what do we do with that? 

Jen: Yeah. Yeah. And I would say not only are we abandoning ourselves, but we are perpetuating the cycle of trauma, right? We are teaching our own children. It is not okay for a parent to have boundaries. And then they take on that lesson too and then they struggle with setting boundaries just as much as we struggle with setting boundaries, which for most of us has not had a positive impact in our lives either. So, so I think maybe there's sort of three components to this. The first is, is sort of the insight and for some, for some parents that really shifts a lot. And I, I will say that I think that happens for me primarily I'm guessing because of the autism because I process things very cognitively. And I, I still remember an episode that I did on intergenerational trauma. This was probably like five years ago now. And it, it was actually in the interview when I realized the source of one of my biggest triggers is being interrupted and why that is and, and that it was because my father who was a teacher would, I, I mean, I remember this period where it was like every day for a month, he would come home and I would have done something wrong and I don't even remember what the things wrong were, but there would just be this lecture of upwards of an hour where I was not permitted to say anything. And, and, and I would just shut right. 

I would just mentally, I was not there anymore. I would say yes and, and not at the appropriate intervals. And and I would just mentally disappear. And so, you know, that, that idea that I'm not allowed to have my own ideas. And so when my husband would interrupt me, I would just explode out of nowhere. I mean, it seems like it's out of nowhere and, and the, the insight that I gained through that conversation made me see, oh, that's where that comes from. And it's really weird, but I it's still irritating to me, but I do not explode anymore. I haven't exploded anymore since I got that insight. So, for some parents that insight is enough. Right? That, that makes sense. Now, I understand where it came from. Sometimes that's enough to really make a difference. Another big piece of this is, it can seem like this stuff comes out of nowhere but very often it doesn't. So when we, when our child asks us for the green spoon and we get up and we get the green spoon, we put our need for nourishment and for rest on hold there is probably something in our bodies that says, oh, this isn't right for you. There's a little tension in our shoulders, in our chest, in our stomach, in our neck, in our, in our head. Some, somewhere around those areas. Just usually this little twinge that says, yeah, that, that's, that's not right. It's not meeting your need. And then we go through our day and we ignore these things. We don't pay attention to them very often. We don't even see that they're there and then we get to the end of the day and it's bedtime and we have been busy all day and we're relying on that hour after our children go to bed for our self care time because we haven't had any of our needs met throughout the day. 

And our children resist getting into bed and we explode and we wonder why and, and a big part of it is that we have not had our needs met and we do not know how to recognize the signals our bodies are trying to tell us to say, oh little little need here. They need pay attention and, and so it builds up and builds up and builds up throughout the day. And so we can learn to start to pay attention to those physical signs that say you have a little need, like, you know, a little little flag here and we can start to pay attention to those things. And then I think the third piece of it is obviously the biggest piece is is, is the worthiness piece, right? I am not worthy of having needs. I am not worthy of expressing needs. I'm not worthy of getting needs met. And I mean, I think there is there is a role for therapy in this work, right? If that is a deeply, deeply, deeply entrenched belief, I do think that therapy can be helpful. I've been preparing a lot for a module of content in my membership on internal family systems and and doing some of that work myself as well. And and I think there's also value in seeing that this is, this is not all of me, right? This is not all of me that cannot cope in this situation, that is unworthy that there is a part of me, there is a part of me that is struggling with this. And I think sometimes seeing it as a part of you can help it to feel like that. Actually, maybe we can find some movement here that this is not a, a like a set in stone. And I'm always going to be like this and there's nothing I can do to change that. There is a part of me that is feeling like this and that maybe if I can witness that part and the pain that that part has experienced at thinking that they are unworthy, then I might be able to believe that I in, in my sort of my wholeness of myself is, is actually worthy of getting my needs met. 

Laura: Well, I love that you brough IFS into it. I, I love that that's starting to get more play in the parenting world. I've been teaching IFS in my parenting from within program for years now. And I just, I, I love it. It's my favorite, like one of my favorite modalities of therapy, even though there's very little research behind it. You know? It's.

Jen: There is, it is shocking how little research there is. 

Laura: It's one of those things that just makes such intuitive sense to me, you know, the, the idea of parts. When I first learned about it in grad school, I was like, oh, well, this all just makes sense, you know? But, you know, and.

Jen: There's that insight, right? 

Laura:  Yes. Yeah. 

Jen: It can be a big help. 

Laura: Yes. I mean, the, you know, for me, the, a lot of the work, you know, that people, I feel like inner child work and rearing is really having its moment in the parenting world too. And I see those two things as you know, largely interchangeable, finding the modality that helps you understand. And then doing that work is really where it's at. So I really like presenting people with a variety of modalities. Here are lots of the options, dive into the one that really fits well for you and you know, whatever helps you offer yourself compassion and see your humanity, your wholeness. And because that's what the part like, that's what IFS really ultimately is about is learning to see yourself the self as a, as a a being within you that helps all these parts kind of is leading the family system that's within you and seeing yourself as a whole being a multifaceted person where all parts are valued and all parts are worthy. What I love about IFS is that it really feels like respectful and conscious parenting on the inside as we are respectful and conscious parenting on the outside in our family. It just feels very like echoey and lovely to me. Like when that resonance is happening.

Jen: Yes, when it, when it fits right, when the pieces fit together. 

Laura: Yeah.

Jen: And I just actually, I just did an episode on public vagal theory, shocking little research there as well and a lot of struggling.

Laura: Oh my goodness, you know, I, I listened to that episode and I was like, so scared that you were going to say like, so let's not talk about it anymore. And I was like, oh, but no, it's so helpful and I'm so glad you came to the conclusion that you did that. It is just so helpful in understanding ourselves and understanding our kids. And so I, I love, again, I, I do love the direction you've taken and kind of being willing to entertain, like, see the value in things that maybe aren't so supported, but make a lot of good sense. And help people, you know?

Jen: And helps you know where it landing.

Laura: Yeah. 

Jen: Yeah. Is, is that if this makes sense to you, if this helps you to explain your experience, it doesn't really matter what it did for a statistically significant sample of other people, right? Especially if it's low cost, which IFS really can be, you can, you can just do it by yourself. And so, so I, I think that that's where the, the research becomes more important is if you're spending multiple thousands of dollars on a treatment, you sort of want some evidence that it's more effective than another treatment. But if this is, you know, 10 minutes of your time going into yourself and paying attention to yourself, it's probably gonna have some, some kind of benefit. And so the the research is less important than does this particular modality fit with your worldview and your belief in in what can help you and if it does, it probably will and if it doesn't, then you probably want to look for for something else, so.

Laura: Yes and so just to talk a little bit about kind of what that looks like in practice for me. So a again, like I continue to work on advocating for my own needs and setting those boundaries. A recent one that I've been playing with it, I'm having some hormone and health issues and my Doctor is like because of cortisol levels, I have to be in bed, like with the lights off at 8:30 every night. That's really hard as a parent, especially like my kids are getting older. They want to stay up later than that, but I have to be in bed. And so when my, you know, almost my tween child, I don't know, she turned 11 yesterday, so she's a tween now wild wants to stay up later and chat with me in bed, you know, because that's what bigger kids do. They want to unload their brains before bed. I have to sometimes set the boundary of. You're welcome to stay here, but I need to turn my brain off and I need to read. And so I won't be talking anymore, but you're welcome to stay here and read with me. 

Sometimes that is upsetting to her and they're storming out. And so then after she's out of the room. I have to have a little conversation with little Laura inside around it’s okay for me to have needs. It's okay for her to have her feelings and they don't necessarily mean that I'm being uncaring or unloving towards her. It's okay for me to prioritize my health and my sleep and, you know, just having this little, almost like a little, like I put my hand on my heart and close my eyes and envision myself like holding a little Laura, like in a little, like on my lap crisscross on the floor. That's what I do. And is the inner child work? Is it IFS, I don't know, but it feels good. It feels comforting because there's a little part of me that's really worried about my child, feeling rejected in ways that I was rejected as a child, you know? And so, I mean, but that's what it looks like in practice and.

Jen: Yeah, and I don't feel like. And then also maybe there are ways that you, maybe there are ways that you could explore at a different time, right? Not at bedtime and, and say, hey, I, I'm seeing that you're, you have a need for connection in the evenings and that's really important to me. I want to feel connected to you as well and I, I want you to get that need met. And, and also I know that rest is really important to me right now and rest often looks like this, right? It can look like reading, it can and these are all strategies you're using to meet your need for rest, right? Being in bed, reading, maybe having the lights off at, at, at, at a certain point. And so then we're looking for, how can we meet both of our needs? What kinds of things could we do that could meet our child's need for connection and also meet your need for rest and they don't happen to have, have to happen in that exact same moment. Right. Yes. It can be nice to connect right before bed. Connecting at other times is also nice. So are there ways we can build more connection earlier into the day so that we have more capacity for you to be resting later in the day.

Laura: Yes. Oh, we've had lots of iterations of that conversation and it's an on like a work in progress, you know, we're trying things and I think that that's one other thing that I, I appreciated it in your work is that we are not going to get it right every, you know, at the beginning, right? So just because one solution doesn't work right off the bat or if it works for a little while and then we have to come back to it. That's okay. Those are teaching really good skills for our kiddos to learn how to solve problems. See each other's needs, understanding that needs are changing all the time. And that when one, all the time and when one need is being consistently met, all of a sudden a new need, you know, starts clamoring for attention and then we have to address that one. You know, this is just part of being human. 

Jen: Yeah. Absolutely. And, and so recognizing that wholeness in each of us, right? Is, is what we're doing here, which is what we were not allowed to do when we were children. And, and that's how this breaks the cycle of trauma for the next generation. 

Laura: Yeah. And, and it does, I think it really does to be able to regulate ourselves and comfort ourselves in the midst of holding a boundary and kind of not abandoning ourselves. I think it is a really important modeling for our kids. 

Jen: Yeah.

Laura: And it's still hard to do. And what's nice too about being an adult is that we have other resources where we can go and get that support and affirmation, you know, is there we can check in with our partners or with our friends around it. Am I being like, am I being too needy by saying I have by setting this boundary with my child and get that feedback, you know, from other people from outside sources, who hopefully will affirm your right to have needs and get them met. I, I think finding community is really important. I know you haven't a section on that in your book. But I, I know that the folks who are in my membership find that community and that supports here. I'm sure that the people who are in your membership also find that community. Do you have any other places where they can go to get support from you or kind of start building some of that community? 

Jen: Yeah. So, I mean, I have a free Facebook group as well and I know you do too. So that's, that's one place. The taming your triggers workshop that I run can be a place to kind of process this stuff. And I often find that, that it's not so much that taking on new information that makes a difference. It's actually processing that in community with others because other people have questions that you didn't even know that you had. And you're like, oh yeah, that's a thing for me too. I didn't even know it until you said it. And it's sort of short circuits in a way the process of learning. And so, yeah, so, so workshops, memberships and that and that kind of thing. But I think the book is a, is a great place to start and I'm trying to live my post capitalist values. It's available on a gift economy basis on my website at yourparentingmojo.com/book. And so you can, if you would like to support my work and, and you have the financial capacity to do that and you would like to pay more than the cover price, you can do that. If you would like to accept it as a form of reparations for me, if you identify as buck, then feel free to pay a lower price or if you're having trouble affording it. And sort of trying to, to live my values every day. Even as I, I'm existing within a capitalist system where I also have bills to pay. 

Laura: That's awesome. I love seeing you. I live it that way. Was your publisher okay with that? Like, did you have to negotiate that? Is it okay for me to ask that? 

Jen: Yes. Yes, it is. Yes. And I hope that everybody hears this and says, oh, I can negotiate that with my publisher too. 

Laura: Yeah. Right. That's so cool. 

Jen: It had to be an ebook and not a PDF. I, I'm not sure why there was that condition on it. But yeah, I think there's a certain website where you can buy a lot of things that's named after a river that is less than happy about these kinds of things. But I think they figure, you know, there's probably not so much of a chance they're going to find out and that it's, it's okay. So, yeah, they, they're actually on the board with it. 

Laura: That's awesome. Good. Good for you. That's great. Well, Jen, thank you so much for having this kind of, I don't know, meandering conversation. I always love chatting with you and picking your brain. It's really lovely to have colleagues in that sense that we're in this together. I know parents need that feeling too. So it's so good to be able to point folks to good resources where they can feel like they have support doing this really hard thing of learning how to parent in our values. So, thank you. I appreciate you so much. 

Jen: Yeah. Thanks for having me. It was lovely to see you again. It's been a while. 

Laura: It has. Hopefully it won't be so long. Next time I would love to maybe even have a deeper dive into like neurodiversity and affirming identities. That would be a really cool conversation to have. 

Jen: Yeah. Yeah. I've learned a lot about that in the last couple of years. 

Laura: Yeah. Okay.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 177: What Parents Need to Know About Teen Suicide with AnneMoss Rogers

In this episode, we're diving into a very difficult yet vital topic – suicide among children and teens. This episode may be triggering to some, so please give yourself grace and compassion as you consider whether or not to listen to this episode.

If you or someone you know needs support there is help available here:

Crisis text line 741-741

Suicide & Crisis Lifeline 988

International Association for Suicide Prevention - IASP

I'm joined by AnneMoss Rogers, a mental health motivational speaker, suicide prevention speaker and trainer who became an expert educator on the subject of mental health after her son's death by suicide. She’s the author of two mental health books: Diary of a Broken Mind and Emotionally Naked. Together, we'll explore the critical insights and vital information that parents need to know about teen suicide.

Here are some of the topics we covered in this episode:

  • AnneMoss's journey through the loss of a child to suicide 

  • How to identify indicators of mental health struggles

  • Discerning normal curiosity vs. signs needing attention in kids discussing death

  • Distinguishing self-harm and suicide

  • How to handle a child's suicidal thoughts

  • Seeking risk assessment

  • Advocacy steps for swift support and child well-being as a parent

  • Responding to mental health issues in the community among children

May this discussion empower parents with compassion, open communication, and proactive mental health awareness for preventing suicide in children and teens.

To learn more about AnneMoss Rogers, visit her website mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com and her blog emotionallynaked.com. Follow her on LinkedIn @annemossrogers, YouTube @annemossrogers, Instagram @annemossrogers and Twitter @annemossrogers.

Resources: 


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello, dear listeners. This is Dr Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we're going to be discussing a sensitive topic. How to discuss suicide and self harm with your children and teens. I want to start this episode by emphasizing the profound care and sensitivity with which I've tried to approach this topic. This is a profoundly sensitive and emotionally charged subject that affects individuals and families in deep and lasting ways. My guest and I acknowledge that discussing these matters may trigger some strong emotions or difficult memories. And you are those who are listening along with you. And we want to provide a safe and compassionate space for you as we delve into this important issue. So please let this serve as a content warning.

This episode contains discussions about suicide, depression, emotional mental health struggles in children and teens and myself. We will share stories and statistics that may be distressing for some listeners. Please please consider your own emotional well being before listening and know that it is entirely okay to offer yourself grace and skip this episode if you feel that it may be too difficult for you to handle. If you or someone you know, is struggling with thoughts of self harm or suicide, we urge you to reach out to a trusted friend, family member or mental health professional. In the United States you can simply dial 988 to get support. There's also quite a few options internationally at International Association for Suicide Prevention. iasp.info. It's an international site that kind of collects options for who to contact if you need support based on your country of origin. Please remember that you are not alone and help is available to you. All right, let's go into the episode now. 

Okay, so on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, I'm sitting down with Anne Moss Rogers to discuss suicide in our little ones, our young kids, our teens. So, Anne Moss Rogers is a mental health and suicide education expert. She's a speaker and she's here to talk to us about how to have really difficult and challenging conversations with our kids. Conversations that need to happen. Anne Moss, why don't you get us started by just telling us a little bit about who you are, what you do and, and your story, we'd love to hear it. 

AnneMoss: I used to be in advertising and then I owned my, I co-owned a digital marketing firm and around 2010, I was really concerned about my younger Charles. Before then I had seen some signs and of course, the pediatrician, he'll grow out of it. My husband, oh, don't worry about it. He'll grow out of it. And my mo my spidey sent the intuition is saying, you know, it's something more and I, I felt kinda like I was on an island with, with not a lot of help. And I remember we started seeing a therapist simply because my husband and I didn't know what to do, especially when he started using drugs and alcohol. I would find out later he had drugs and alcohol to numb those feelings of suicide.

And to any other painful feelings which of course doesn't resolve anything but it gets you addicted and it pushes it away, making it something bigger later. And it robs you of the ability to develop other coping strategies. But of course, he's a teenager and guess what? In the moment it works. So, why not, why not use that? And isn't it better to use drugs and alcohol instead of killing himself? And, I mean, who can answer that? You know? I mean, so he was chosen to be on homecoming quarter, sophomore year and I think to everybody in the stands that you're looking down, they must have thought how, you know, she's got one son who actually is elected homecoming king and the other one is on the court that that family must have it made. We did not have it made and I wasn't trying to keep it a secret, but I can tell you nobody really wanted to talk about it. 

And I remember going to that counselor going. Are there any groups that we could go to? No, none that I know of which is so stupid. Why wouldn't you know the resources? So every clinical social worker counselor type meeting I have, I let them know there are parent, parental support sources and here they are one being NAMI family support group in every state or available on Zoom. NAMI family to family, which is a six weeks course on living with someone with mental illness. And then there's families anonymous and smart recovery, both have ones related more to the addictions and substance misuse, which often happens with mental and we have family support as well.

I would eventually go to families anonymous. And meanwhile, my son, we have to basically kidnap him out of his bed and take him to a wilderness program. And because he's just taking all these really dangerous risks he's using and using more and more dangerous drugs, taking greater chances. And I'm like, he is not gonna live if, if he stays here much longer and there is nothing I could do to stop it. And that's when you really realize as a parent how helpless you are, because you think, oh, I'll just take away the car keys. I remember one parent telling me, oh, well, my kid does drugs. I just put that sort of thing. It doesn't go on in our household all hardy. Like, well, I got it made, I would later find out that her son was a drug dealer and the way I found that out is that fileware  on my son's computer and I would see her again and she would kinda have that haughty attitude with me.

And I remember being, feeling sorry for her, but also wanting to go and say, you know, your kid is selling drugs on Facebook, Messenger, right? You're, you're aware of that. But I, I didn't do that. I'm not vindictive, I'm vindictive for about two seconds in my head. And then I get to a place where that's just cruel and I probably would have told her if I thought she might have been receptive, but I don't think she would have been. So fast forward, he goes to wilderness therapeutic. He ends up not really using the coping skills he learned and he becomes addicted to heroin and I don't know this at all. And it's kind of crazy that I don't know it, but he would text his drug dealer. Drug dealer would come to the front of the house and deliver the drugs to him in the car. He would do the drugs in the car. It was heroin. I thought you had to shoot it up. He snorted it and then he would come back in the house and he would sleep it off. Well, it's 2 a.m. and guess what, I'm sleeping. So we didn't really know. And I mean, I saw some odd behavior and things that were suspect, but I'll be honest with you, my child would do heroin, not my kids. No way. 

Laura: Yeah. 

AnneMoss: You know, we were good then, you know, we've gone through all this trouble. Therefore, somehow to me that built some kind of wall. We would find out he was addicted when the police came back and showed me pictures of him selling my family silverware at a pawn shop. And I just didn't know what to do with that information, at first. Of course, on one side it's like, oh, he's definitely using drugs and the other. Like, no, there's another reason for that, you know, there's that side that doesn't want to believe.

Laura: Doesn't want it to be true. Sure. 

AnneMoss: So I end up and I am really proud of how I handle this stuff. I sat down with my child gently, calmly without yelling. And I said, the police came back and they showed me pictures of you selling our family silver. I looked in the box, there's one spoon left, I suspect drug use. His dad was on the speaker phone, by the way. I said, why don't you tell us what's been happening? And he goes into this big story and I listened to the whole thing and he goes, well, do you believe me? And I just said, you know, Charles, that is some story. And then you know what I did? I shut up. I said nothing. I didn't lecture. I didn't ask more questions. If we leave those stretches of silence, it gives our kids a moment to process the information and a lot of really rich valuable information can, can come in those silences if we shut up long enough. 

Laura: Yeah. 

AnneMoss: And that's what I did. And then he would eventually and it probably wasn't more than a minute. But it, it felt like a long time. 

Laura: Yeah. Those silences can feel really long.

AnneMoss: Right. And he, he confesses to, he thinks he may be addicted to an opiate. He never says heroin because heroin is, you know, ugly and dripping with stigma, you know, wants to really be associated as a heroin addict. And I and Chales didn't want to be that, you know, he didn't start all this to, to grow up to be, you know, addicted to heroin. He would go to detox and rehab to recovery house and then he would relapse. They would take him back to detox. He saw a friend of his there and they left together and for two weeks, we didn't really know where they are.

Were we got the occasional text and we got each, got a call. Here's what I wish I would have done kind of in the mode of, well, we gotta do the tough love thing. We've done everything else. Charles wasn't a tough little kid, because to him, tough love was kind of weaponizing my love and saying, well, if you're not well, we don't love you anymore and you're useless to us. I didn't think that, but that's how he translated it, because this is a very loving child. Always, our love was really important. 

Our family was really important. And I mean, this is a kid you walked in his room and he had all the family pictures up on the wall and by the way, them on the wall because when you struggle without the suicide, that would stop him were those family pictures. I had no idea that's why I had them up on the wall. But I would read later, that's why I did. So he's out there for two weeks. Here's what I wish I would done. I wish I would have called him every day and I wish I would have text him as much as I want you to get well.

I love you even if you don't, allowing him to understand that he may not be living in our house or allowed to live in it and he couldn't because we were moving and we had nowhere to live in the 10 weeks between the time we sold the house and moved into the other one. So we were living in various AirBNBs and I mean, he hadn't been with us to live in a recovery house. So I didn't have accommodations for him too. And he would call me on a Friday afternoon. 

I didn't realize it was our last phone call and you know, it didn't go real well and I was emotionally bereft. I did not handle this. Well, he's yelling and I yelled back and that's never the right thing to do. We should always, we're the adults. If we start yelling, it escalates their behavior and they're just gonna get in that vortex of emotion. And we need to avoid that by staying out of that vortex of emotion and keeping and check our own emotions. But I was so emotionally spent with the house selling and him being out there. And we just, we had only known about the drug addiction for maybe 30 days or actually less.

But if, let's just say 30 days, so I didn't even wrap my arms around it. And then the police came and met us in the parking lot of where we were eating dinner. One night they called my husband's cell phone. They said we're gonna meet you right there. And they delivered the worst news of our lives and told us they had found our son dead, and then they told us it was a suicide and the method lepto question.That line felt like this extra twist of the knife. And at the time, I'm like, I must be the worst mother on earth. I mean, didn't he know we loved him? Why would he do this to us? But he didn't do this to us. 

He did it to himself. He thought he would burden and that the world would be better off without him, including us. He thought he was doing us a favor. You know, he's addicted, he's worthless. And wouldn't our family be much better without that all the anguish he caused.  That's what he thought. And I understand that now and I didn't understand why suicide for a long time. And it took me years to get there, so I sold my digital marketing business. I got training and then I talked to probably now hundreds of people with lived experience, because I wanted to understand what that moment was like.

And it's different for everyone. But, you know, some people have lived with thoughts of suicide since they were eight years old and have lived with those thoughts. Other people might have once or twice in their life and it never revisits or come up, comes up. So there's all types of living with this. But I think it's really important as parents to recognize those signs because Charles did leave, oh just big signs. And I didn't recognize them because I wasn't educated what they were. 

Laura: Anne Moss, I just wanna, before I jump into questions because I have them. I just, I just, I want to express my compassion for you and my gratitude that you've turned such a painful moment in your family's history into an opportunity for all of us to reduce suffering in the world and to learn more. So I just, I really appreciate your bravery and willingness to do that.

AnneMoss: Laura I didn't think I could survive pain like that. I've never felt anything like that ever in my life. I mean, for a year I would curl up on the floor and just scream and cry and kick the ball about how unfair it was. And you know, you wanna go back and redo everything because you see the errors afterwards, you see what you missed and that's agonizing and I just don't want other parents to miss. I mean, you know, you might be in a situation we can't prevent all suicides, but we can do the best we can.

And I have gotten to a place, it took me a lot of time and a lot of work where I have forgiven myself, where I've learned to see joy again, where I've learned to live without the one that I love and it was hard and it doesn't mean that I've forgotten him or don't think about him or have some difficult times, but it's not like it was at first time and a lot of work has sort of removed the fangs of, of that. Don't feel like I'm walking broken glass with bare feet anymore. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. Well, II, I so appreciate the, the desire to want to do as much as we can. So, what are some of the signs that we can be looking for as parents? 

AnneMoss: So, a lot of times it's really natural for our teenager to sort of pull away from us and you know, what their friends do and say seems to be more important. But if they're pulling away from you and the front and they're isolating, that is a warning sign. 

Laura: Okay. 

AnneMoss: And, and a very important one, you want to look for like multiple traits. Kids who get sick a lot, go to the school nurse a lot. They're often to struggle with maybe depression and anxiety and maybe at higher risk of suicide. You know, their stomach hurts, their muscle hurts, they get more headaches, they may get more flu and, you know, be more prone to get COVID. And that was short. I mean, I knew the first name of every nurse of every school he ever went to and they knew me and had me on speed dial back when there was a thing called speed dial. And so lots of times they'll draw pictures.

Younger kids may draw a lot of pick out death. They may write papers in English class or at home or tell stories about death. They may talk about death, a lot. Charles talked about death a lot. Taking a lot of risks like crazy risk, like doesn't he know that's going to like kill him? And there's a fine line between that thrill seeker and the one who's taking risks who basically doesn't care if they live or die, like if it happens by accident, then I've, I've solved all my problems. 

Laura: Yeah, I can, I, so I, I really appreciate that kind of fine line distinction. I feel very curious about some of the other things that you've mentioned that can also be developmentally normal. Like there's developmental stages where kids do get more interested in death or if they've lost a grandparent or a pet, they might talk more about it. How can we as parents be discerning and figuring out what's normal and what might need a little bit more attention and then what do we do if we're seeing some of these signs? What's the first step in?

AnneMoss: So Charles would consistently talk about dying young. So while, and we even as a teenager, you know, mom, I might die, I'll probably die young, I'll probably never have children and not get married and then talked about all the people who did die young. And it could be just a curious conversation and instead of being struck down, we need to ask the question. I'm so curious about that. What made you think of that? Start asking more questions and get to the bottom of it. So it sounds like you think about death a lot. Tell me more about that. Do not shame them, do not humiliate them. Remember to ask all questions related to suicide or death with curiosity. And if they've lost a grandparent, that's, you know, if they're younger, you wanna sort of define their maturity of, of the, of understanding because to some kids, it's like, well, the grandmother's gonna come back by magic because I see that on cartoons, you know?

Laura: Right.

AnneMoss: Or, or a video game. So they don't have a mature concept of debt. So let's say your, your child is at school and they've run out into the street when they were upset or they could have been experiencing suicidal ideation. This came on in a flash and they are left in a flash and they decided to run out and, and that is suicidal ideation for a younger child.

Laura: RIght.

AnneMoss: But they don't know what suicidal thoughts are they don't even know what the word suicide means. So you would add. So if you were to ask a teenager, are they? And you wanna know if they're thinking of suicide, you want to say, are you thinking of suicide? For a younger child, you want to say, were you trying to make yourself dead? So you wanna find out, was there some intention behind the act? Now, it may be different when you talk to them because they would have come out of that sort of spell for lack of a better phrase because when somebody and this isn't for everyone, but when they're in suicidal thought they can be in sort of a trance like place where they don't have full control over their actions. You know? So the, these thoughts keep coming, they're so painful. They're so persistent and intense.

Laura: And intrusive.

AnneMoss: Very intrusive. But when I talk and then I'm like that real but intense part just like my grief last 60 to 90 seconds. So stick it out because it's gonna drop off and it may get intense again, but it's gonna drop off and you're gonna feel ambivalent. And then I can always tell when somebody's coming out of it. Like, for instance, there was a friend of mine on a bridge and all of a sudden she said it's really cold out here and I'm like, bingo, she's coming out of it because the whole time she's like, I'm worthless.

Nobody loves me. And I just, it's really important to listen to that person and, and not, and not try to fix it. But I gotta, and, and also say what they say. So, they'll talk about death a lot. They'll say I'm so worthless. I can't do this anymore. Oh, I have a solution to fix this. I feel so overwhelmed. I just to die. I'm going to kill myself. Funny that when people say I'm going to kill myself, how the parent will say, oh, well, because they said it, therefore they're not gonna do it. Now they're telling you because they want to talk about it. 

Laura: Yeah. 

AnneMoss: Parents don't wanna ask that question. Are you thinking of suicide? Because what's the first thing that they think are.

Laura: I mean, I think that a lot of parents are afraid it's going to give the kid ideas that they didn't have before.

AnneMoss: First question I got last night from a student. And it's always the first question. Even if I put it in the presentation from parents. Won't it plant the idea in their head? The answer is no. I will say the flip side of that is if they're at school and exposed to the suicide of a student and they're going through that period, they are at higher risk. But talking about it, talking about it doesn't give them the idea, but instead gives them the opportunity to talk about it and what you'll see most of the time is really leaked. Like my God, finally somebody is.

Laura: Yeah. You know, so I've, I've experienced suicidal ideation my entire, I mean, since I was 13, I think it is the first time I remember really having those thoughts come in. It's not something I talk about often, but I still experience that suicidal ideation from time to time during moments of extreme stress. When my window of tolerance is very low. It's one of the places my, my brain goes. And I can imagine at 13, if a parent had asked me some of those questions, have you ever thought about harming yourself?

Do you ever, you know, think about those things. I would have been so relieved, because I thought I was so crazy as a 13 year old. I thought no one else was thinking these things. I thought I was so bad and so wrong for thinking about them. It took me until college, studying psychology and really into grad school for me to really understand how not alone I was and how not, how common some of those thoughts can be and how much support there was for me. I didn't know as a teenager, it would have been such a relief to have a parent to talk to about it. 

AnneMoss: Wow. Well, I really appreciate you being so vulnerable. I think those stories important and if it weren't for people like you Laura sharing their stories with me, I swear, I would have pulled it up like a napkin and given up. I mean, it was, it was the people who had been through this who so generously shared their hearts and their stories that helped me understand that my son didn't kill himself because I was a crummy mother. And I held on to that for a pretty long time. I also want to point out we do not want to say, are you thinking of harming yourself unless we are talking about self-harm.

Laura: Yeah.

AnneMoss: We want to say, are you thinking of suicide? Are you thinking of killing yourself? And we got to ask it. 

Laura: Yeah, can we talk a little bit about the difference between self harm and the drivers behind self harm versus suicide and what parents should be looking out for as them being kind of two discrete categories. Because I also know that in addition to an uptick in teen suicide and younger and younger suicide, self harm is also something that is very big, very happening almost happens via social media too. Now these kids have so much more to contend with than what we did. Can we talk a little bit about some of the differences and how parents?

AnneMoss:  Absolutely. So self-harm is also called non suicidal self injury. Kids who are self harming are not attempting suicide, but they are attempting a way to sort of release the pain. So you know, somebody who self-harm told me she says, I don't get all this mumbo jumbo in my head. But I get blood and when I would cut myself and I would see the blood. It's like that's what pain is. I understand that. And she said it was a way to sort of release the pain in a way she could understand. 

Laura: That makes sense.

AnneMoss: Yeah. A lot of kids sort of get addicted to it. It's kind of a thrill.

Laura: There’s and adrenaline, yeah.

AnneMoss: Yeah. And they're wanting to feel good. So there, there are a lot of reasons for it. Those are the two main ones, kids who are self harmers are only at higher risk for because they're, they don't fear the pain. So a lot of people will say no, I'm not doing that cause it might hurt while I'm doing it. And if a child who has been self harming is also having those urges, they're just more likely to attempt because that's not a hurdle for them.They've been through the pain from cutting. So it is not a suicide attempt, but that's why the risk is, is greater than other kids. 

Laura: Okay. Thank you for that. So, if we ask our kids this really hard question, are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you thinking about suicide? And they say yes, what do we do besides not freak out at the moment? 

AnneMoss: Well, I'm glad you said that because that's number one don't freak out. And a lot of people don't wanna ask it because they are afraid of the answer. They don't know what to do with it. If that child says yes. And if I leave it alone, then I don't have to deal with it and everything will be okay. That's what your brain is telling you. 

Laura: Yeah. 

AnneMoss: But you need to go what you feel in your gut. So your first reaction might be that sense of panic. You gotta stop and take a deep breath. You have to meet them where they are right now. The most important thing is they are sitting in front of you. They have confessed this to you, which is something I never got. I did not know that that is a gift. It is a huge gift. This child has also opened up to you and shared something so deep, so difficult. They said yes, your first response, I am so honored you trusted me with that information. I know it was hard and I really appreciate you being honest. So we have to, we have to let them know that is a step of courage. It is not a step of a weak person. It is a step of courage. We cannot shame them out of suicidal thoughts. We, you know, did you ever ask to have suicidal thoughts? Was it something you desired or did it? 

Laura: No. You know, I've been, I've spent so much time being ashamed of them.

AnneMoss: Right? So we, we cannot add to that shame. Like we can't say, well, you're not gonna do that again. Right? You know, you can't attempt that cause you mean too much and I understand that when you say that you mean you, I love you too much, mean too much to me. That's not how they're saying it. You're basically telling them you can control this and you're sort of shaming them out of a feeling that they never asked for.

Laura: And then you're making and you're making them responsible for your happiness, too. 

AnneMoss: Right? It's okay for to live because while, because they feel obligated to live before they can engage and move forward and enjoy life on their own, on their own terms. Again, that's okay. But we want that child to find their, their own way and build life skills. As a parent what you wanna do if they've told you that or if they've attempted and they're coming home, you want to just every time they walk in the door, are you okay? What's the matter with you? You know, you're, you're panicked because now you have this knowledge and you don't know what to do with that. So let's talk about before we get there.

What do you actually do when you get that confession? So the next thing you wanna do is get a suicide risk assessment and the safety plan and then you might also want to get a psychological evaluation. So you wanna find out if there is some kind of mental illness driving that it may not cause there are people who don't, who struggle with thoughts of suicide, who don't have a mental illness at all. And there are people with mental illness that do have thoughts of suicide and then there are people who suffer from depression or mental illness and never have the first thought of that ever. 

Laura: Right. Where do you go to get a risk assessment? 

AnneMoss: So, usually your county has a suicide risk assessment and if you are in a rural area, they'll often do it telehealth or they'll do it over the phone. 

Laura: Okay. 

AnneMoss: So there's a Columbia, it's called the Columbia suicide scale. And they'll ask, ask some questions to find out should this person be hospitalized? And I want you to know as parents, we kind of want to put them away and go get fixed. But transitioning to a hospital environment and home is, can be a tricky transition. So that's really a last resort. What we want to do is outpatient type support. If, if we can do that. Now, if your child is crumpled in the corner hasn't, has told you that they're thinking of suicide and you can't even get them to speak and they can't even function.

You're gonna, you're gonna need to take them to the psych facility and usually don't have to call 911. You can say let's get in the car and let's go to a facility and get you suicide risk assessment and see where we are with that. To your best ability you want to tell them what the next steps are or you call and put it on speakerphone. So you're both listening at the same time. 

Laura: You know, what about? So, because of the way all of these resources are over, overtaxed at right now, what if the wait seems too like, too long? What if the wait to get in for a psych eval is too long? Some, I mean, some of the clients that I work with, they, they have to wait six months to a year. What are some steps that you can take as a parent to advocate for your kid and get them more support sooner? 

AnneMoss: So, if your child is having suicidal thoughts and you've called the county and like here it'd be RBHA which is Richmond Behavioral Health Authority and they have a crisis line. You'd call there. They do the suicide risk assessment, which is basically on a scale of 1 to 10. Is this child gonna like attempt tonight? You know, how how serious is it? Where are they right now in their thought process have did before? They'll get a lot of information and they make, you know, an informed decision and then they'll do the safety plan after that, the psychological evaluation in some counties, they'll follow up right away with that with that kind of patient. Some of them they'll make, they'll make them wait.

They're not gonna make you wait for suicide risk assessment. That has to be done. Jan, it's considered an emergency. I don't want parents immediately calling 911 unless their child is sitting in the house with a firearm. And any time you mi mix guns and judges there is risk there. And I mean, not that our police officers are now trained, they handle the situation, but it is a last resort and I would call 988 if you don't have any where else to call or you can text 741741 and you can call if you are worried about someone else and you can call and put it on speaker phone so that your loved one, hears the response that you know, so that you're not keeping them in the dark. 

Laura: Okay. And so we've been talking a lot about our own children. But what if your kid comes to you and tells you that their friend is think having some of these thoughts or been thinking talking about it more and is concerned, what can we do as parents for if it's not just our kid, but it's by a kid in our community. 

AnneMoss: So I, I get that a lot, a parent will say, I don't, I don't know whether I should reach out to that parent or not. And I'll say, well, let me ask you this. Would you want to know about your child's suicide before they attempted and died by suicide or would you want to know after? And usually people are like, okay, I'd want to know before. It may be that you don't know the parent but you know, the child really well and that can be awkward. So maybe you and your child call together and then, you know, and you practice it and you talk about it and say this is gonna be an awkward conversation. It's going to be uncomfortable.

I just know as a mom that I would want to know this and Ashley has something important to share with you. If you do not want or have no contact with this parent, go through the school counselor, tell your school counselor and say, and have your child be involved in this process. Don't cut them out. You want to start taking agencies for their own mental health and their own life and you're teaching them and you're just partnering with them. So you can then tell the school counselor what you know, because you've got to tell another trusted adult that can take action because this is life or death. I mean, you wouldn't want to find out later that, that your son had been talking to two kids who had told their parents and none of them told you because they were afraid of how you're gonna react. 

Laura: Yeah. Absolutely. 

AnneMoss: And that parent usually they don't, but maybe that parent cusses you out screams at you forever. But I would rather have a parent mad at me than a child dead. And that's when, you know, I have got to go to the school counselor now. I can't let this go. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, it's a really hard situation but so important that we stick up for all, all kids and do those hard things and teach our kids how to do the hard things. I lost a friend in college. She survived her suicide attempt. But because I called, I got her help afterwards. She would never speak to me again and she disclosed after she had taken, you know, steps towards ending her life. And I, so I, I lost that friendship in college. It was a really hard thing to do as I, you know, I was 19. It was very hard to face that, but that person has a life and a family now too, you know. 

AnneMoss: Right. 

Laura: Yeah, we do lose, we, you know, there are risks. So it's not, it's not like, you know, I think if our, our kids were, I, I think about a child, a teenager in that situation, perhaps being quite worried about losing a friend or them being mad at them or being ostracized. And I think it being the parent being, you need to be really strong and making sure that we're all doing the right thing too at the same time. And I think as parents, we have to be willing to have our kids be mad at us when we're talking about a topic like this, when we're talking about lives. 

AnneMoss: Exactly. And so what you said that number one? Wow. I'm, I'm amazed and really proud that at 19 years old you did the right thing and you took that risk and it, it kicked you in the butt. But, you know, it's kinda like my mom start talk about suicide And the very first time she did it, she reached out to a friend who had lost a child to suicide. And as soon as she called and said, she wanted to talk to them, they hung up on her and she was like in her eighties and she called me and she, she, you know, she was so hurt and I'm like, I just started crying. I said, mom, I'm so proud of you.

And then she got over the hurt because I, that's really coming a long way for her. You know, I mean, this is somebody who never talked about mental health or, or any of the ugly family stuff and reached out to someone and she got the door slammed in her face, but she did it and I was just so proud of her for doing. There was a young lady who called 911, a young man and he had a follow up. So she actually made the right call by calling 911. He had it in his possession and he was telling her over the phone that he was going to kill himself. 

The cops show up at the door. The parents are like, what are you doing here? I had no idea. He's just upstairs in his room. They called the young man down, he comes down and they say, well, mom, we will bring you in this conversation, but we want to talk to him first. Everything's okay. He's not in trouble just to kind of calm her nerves because she's still freaking out what they want to talk about. They talk to him and then they talk to the parent and he ends up going to the ER, he is so ticked off at this young lady called 911. And so the mom calls me and says, oh my gosh, what do I do? He's so mad at her and I said he'll probably call me but I want you to defend what she did and say, you know, it's only because she cares about you that she did what she did and I quite frankly am glad she did that because it saved your life. And where would I be? You know, now, if you hadn't have done that? And that said part two is you need to call this young lady because she's freaking out. 

Laura: Yes. Yes. 

AnneMoss: She has no idea how, you know how you feel and you need to tell her all right, right now he's ticked off, but here's the thing and I am so grateful you, you did the right thing. Thank you so much. I I will not, I can't be more grateful. Let me tell you this child had been freaking, hadn't been sleeping. She was worried nobody was talking to her. And so, you know, just by the fact this mom come a couple of weeks go by, she sends me a picture of the two of them hanging out. So he had called her and told her thank you. And they got to be friends and, you know, this isn't like your 19 year old story. But I think the difference is in this case, the mom said she did the right thing. I'm really proud of her and it was so brave and think about how scared she was to do that. 

Laura: Yeah. 

AnneMoss: And I think a little later on he was able to put on that hat and understand how absolutely frightened she was to make that call. 

Laura: Yeah.

AnneMoss: Because it's hard. I've had to and it is hard and I've had one person get really mad at me, but she got, she was grateful a few weeks later and, but like you could go the other way and I just had to take that chance. 

Laura: Yeah. So I feel like we've spent a lot of time talking about those kind of deeply pivotal moments. I'm kind of curious if we can talk a little bit about how, you know, so as we wrap up, I want to be respectful of your time, I just want to touch on. Is there anything we can be doing as parents to as an earlier prevention? You know, but to prevent that kids getting from that point on to that dark place.

AnneMoss: Right. So first of all, we have to understand why our children aren't developing the skills that we developed as children. Because when the digital age moved in that, which we thought would bring us together, pushed us apart and our kids started getting less face to face time than generations before. Well, that face to face time, time on the playground, negotiating with the neighborhood referee that's not been paid.

You know, that you've got, you know, you gotta figure out if you don't like the call and you stocked up, well, you gotta negotiate yourself back into the game, right? Or you got no friends. So that was kind of my world. Well, our kids aren't getting enough of those opportunities to build the resilience. So we need to start building those in our parenting skills and we need to start building those opportunities in school. And I have a list and now we're not gonna get through them all, but I'm just gonna touch the most important. And the first one is some more and lecture less. Our kids are not feeling seen and hurt, we're lecturing them, we're telling them what to do. And they'll tell you the same things over and over because they do not feel hurt.

Laura:  Yeah.

AnneMoss: And we need to shut up and we need to acknowledge. So, what you're saying is that you think that all your friends hate you? So, tell me more about that. Why do you think that instead of refuting? Oh, that's not true. You're absolutely wonderful. And then being sort of cheerleaders and pushing them into the light. We need to allow them that moment of not being okay of being in pain without punishing them and shaming them and drowning them in toxic positivity and parent cheerleading. 

Laura: Right. 

AnneMoss: And if we do that, they're more likely to come back to us when they're struggling and I'm gonna share one more tip of the night and that is be vulnerable yourself. And I don't mean saddling them with some huge issue, but let's say you're going to work for a new job. You're really, really nervous and you wanna make a good impression and you're feeling really anxious. You may tell your children I have been so angry and irritable and I'm gonna tell you why it has nothing to do with you. And I've been taking it out on you and I'm so embarrassed, but I'm really anxious about this new job and I would really appreciate some random hugs and whatever you can do because I'm not handling this role well, and I will handle it well, and I'm gonna figure out some healthy coping strategies to do that.

But you could help and I would love it if you would help. And the random hugs and the understanding would, would really go a long way. You're giving them some power in a world where they feel unseen, unheard and powerless. When they give you that hug, they're gonna instantly recognize that you turn into limp noodle and you are no longer have the racing heart and the sweatiness. They're gonna understand that they are an important part of helping you. And they learned something in that process and I'm gonna share a story that's so sweet.

So a mom did this. She was starting a new job, her 12 year old and her 9 year old got together and other than doing the random hug, which they did, they started writing notes and they snuck down to where she had made her lunch and they put these notes in her lunch. So she opens it up at noon the first day and the daughter had written a note. I love you mom. I hope you're not feeling nervous today. You're the best, you're the best nurse ever. They did that. He did it the next day. They did these personal notes for two weeks.

Laura: So beautiful. 

AnneMoss: I know. I know. So, you know, they felt like they were really doing something and they did, what do you think she did with those notes? Do you think she threw those away?

Laura: Oh, they’re treasures. Yeah, of course.

AnneMoss: They’re treasures, absolutely. She will never let those go.

Laura: And the other like, super powerful, the thing about that is that she modeled for them, what it's like to recognize within yourself that you're going through a hard time and to reach out for support from loved ones like exactly and, and gave them permission to do the same. I, I love that. I have, I know you mentioned that you have an e-resource that an ebook that parents can access to have some, some deeper conversations about this. Can you make sure that I get the link to that or you can tell them where to go?

AnneMoss: Absolutely. What I'll do is I'll send you the link and you'll get the resilience book and you'll also get the book about if your child has admitted they're suicidal and you know, that's been a really popular download because I'm contacted about that all the time, but it gives you scripts, you may not do that script, but it'll give you an idea what you can say. 

Laura: Yeah. And I, I feel like it would be so good for parents to like even if this is not on your radar right now, download it now, read it now so that it's there and ready for you when you are, you know, lots of my listeners have much younger children. But I think it's, this is something to start getting used to and comfortable with so that when the need arises, we're ready and we've got that skill set. 

AnneMoss:But the resilience one. We need to start doing that. Now, now we need to start asking our our kids questions and not lecturing them.

Laura: Yes, listening is not lecturing. Yeah. 

AnneMoss: Right. So they come up with their own. Well, they, you know, you kind of do what I call motivational interviewing but parent style and then I give you examples of what that looks like and sounds like. So yes, I will send you links to that. 

Laura: Okay. So those links will be in the show notes. AnneMoss, thank you so much for, for being so brave and vulnerable and sharing your story and turning it into a, a beautiful way of preventing more pain and hurt in the world. I really can't say thank you enough in helping us have this difficult but really necessary conversation. 

AnneMoss: Well, thank you. You asked some questions, not a lot of people have asked to really dig into those difficult pivotal moments. So I appreciate that that'll kind of differentiate this particular interview from a lot of others. So thank you for that. I really appreciate it. 

Laura: I appreciated our conversation too. Thank you again. 

AnneMoss: Absolutely. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 176: How Understanding Anxiety Styles Can Help You Be Unflustered with Amber Trueblood

In this episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we will dive into how understanding various anxiety types and styles can keep us unflustered. To guide us through this insightful conversation, we have a new guest, Amber Trueblood, author of "The Unflustered Mom." Amber is not only a licensed marriage and family therapist but also a mother of four boys. Join us as Amber shares her expertise and practical strategies to be unflustered.

In this episode, Amber and I discuss the following:

  • Exploring the concept of being an unflustered mom

  • Five anxiety styles and how to identify your style

  • How to support and help kids navigate their emotions using insights from anxiety styles

I hope this conversation inspires a deeper understanding of recognizing these styles, guiding a more harmonious and purposeful parenting journey.

Connect with Amber directly to delve deeper into these topics or to share your thoughts. Reach out via email at truebloodamber@gmail.com or visit her website www.ambertrueblood.com. You can follow her on Facebook @ambertrueblood, Instagram @ambertrueblood, and on Youtube @ambertrueblood.

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello everybody, on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be having a conversation about how we can stay unflustered during the holiday season by understanding different anxiety types and styles and how they impact our communication and interactions with those around us and kind of with our life. So for to help us with this conversation, I have a new guest for our show, Amber Trueblood. She wrote a great book called The Unflustered Mom and I'm so excited to have her here with us. Amber why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do? 

Amber: Hi, Laura. Thank you so much. And you know, on my screen, first of all, it says Cameron and we talked about that right away because, yeah, I have his computer, my son's computer. And so starting off the day with like, oh wait, his computer has totally different inputs, inputs than mine. Let's figure out how to deal with this. So, you know, just know you're not alone. We're doing podcasts and we look like we have all our stuff together. But no, no, we're just.

Laura: We're all human.

Amber: Our morning probably went the same as you. And, yeah. So my background is, I am a marriage and family therapist, a licensed therapist. I have four boys at home and actually they're at all at school right now. Which is lovely. I know we did, we did several years of homeschooling. So I've had all kinds of different types of, of logistical experiences here and educational experiences. But, and right now they are 10, 11, no not 11, 10, 12, 14 and 16 years old, all boys. And I love like, what really powers me up and refuels me the most is when I can connect with other people and share the tools and strategies that I've learned that I've developed that I've, you know, learned from other people that I've read about that I've tweaked and formulated all those things so that I can help you out there live a life that is less flustered, you know, that feels more in control where you're more in control, where you're feeling at peace, where you're feeling confident and like heaven forbid where you actually are having fun, like you're not just surviving it and, and, and you know, we use the word drive a lot, right? But like literally just like, like, did you have fun yesterday? You know, like you asked your kids, oh, did you have fun? You know, the focus often is on the joy of those, the safety and happiness and joy of those around us. And I think that you really are gonna not only enjoy your life more but show up in a way that you really align with like as a parent or as a partner or as a coworker as a boss, like you're gonna be able to be your best self when you're unflustered as well. Does that make sense? 

Laura: It does. You know, I loved hearing your systems thinking I, my background is in marriage and family therapy too and I just heard it come out, you were talking about all the kind of the different systems that were embedded in as h ans and the, the individual being in a place, a good place, a well taken care of place, a nurtured place impacts all those systems that we're in. So it's so important.

Amber: Like, it's not selfish. I just want to like, it's the opposite of selfish. It really, really, it doesn't feel like that, right. Because for a myriad of reasons and we get that, but the more we can catch ourselves like, oh, taking a nap in the middle of the day right now, like, because I actually do have 20 minutes before I have to do this or that. And I see the laundry or see, but I'm going to make a choice that's actually the opposite of selfish. It's really, really taking care of myself. So that when I go to pick up I'm not distracted, I'm not exhausted. Like I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be safer in the car. I'm gonna be less likely to leave my purse, leave my purse at home and then my, you know, can't find my cell phone and then I'm snapping at everybody and then we all know how that escalates and snowballs.

Laura: It does. 

Amber: And effectively the mood and patience and flexibility of everybody else. 

Laura: Exactly. Yes, yeah. Okay. So you, you use the word unflustered and I, I feel like that's a word that we might all have different ideas about what that means. I'm curious about your definition. What does it mean to be an unflustered mom? 

Amber: Yeah. Well, it's a little misleading. Really, first of all, because, you know, I'd like to add like a little caveat, like temporarily unflustered, often unflustered, learning the skills to go on. Yeah. But like not permanently, you know, like there's nothing that's just like, oh, check, I am now unflustered mom, like you're a robot, maybe if, maybe if you're a robot that will work, but if you're h an, you're gonna have these emotional ups and downs and that's what makes life lovely in a lot of ways. Right? So, you ha you have to have all of that. So, you know, my book and my teachings are all about giving you the tools and strategies, like also the support and the insights so you can kind of understand how you work emotionally maybe differently than your partner or differently than your coworkers or your best friend or your neighbors because we're all really individual. So I love to help people find what works for them and not only from like a perspective but also like, okay, what does that mean about? Like, how am I, what am I going to do the last 15 minutes before I go to bed differently than I did the last five months of my life? And how is that going to impact me? Like, what am I gonna do when I first wake up in the morning differently? That's going to help me feel more unflustered, more often, more easily the rest of the day. 

Laura: Okay. And so I think, you know, in your book, you detail kind of how to do that, how to figure out what you need.

Amber: Yeah.

Laura: What your individual needs are. And it has a lot to do with different types of styles of anxiety.

Amber: Yes.

Laura: Can you talk about the five styles that you teach in your book and what they are and how we can figure out which we are? 

Amber: I would love to. Okay, so here, you know, if anybody has heard of like the five love languages or, you know, there's all these quizzes online with like understanding your personality type, yes you know. Yes, exactly. So this is yet another way to look at your own emotional needs and kind of click for you hopefully, you know, my, my goal is to have people say, oh my gosh, I get it. Now, I get why when XYZ happens. So say like soccer practice gets canceled and all of a sudden, you know, we, we, we got invited to go camping for the weekend. Why I'm like, oh my gosh, this is the, this is amazing. This is great. We get to spend all weekend together and it's this like impromptu spontaneous, like family oriented thing.

 So that would be something. and I'll go into details later that for instance, the lover anxiety itself would just be like, yes, yes, yes, I love this. Whereas the executive style who is a lot more oriented toward planning, organizing, knowing what's to come being very structured. Like that kind of last minute switch is going to feel very jarring potentially, right? And so they might react like, okay, wait, wait a second. Okay, I had all these other things I was going to do. We actually we were going to have your mom and dad over. So and it's not to say they are not, they don't want to spend time with family or that's not even the most important thing on their list. It may very well be, but they're gonna need more transition time to like regroup, rethink out the weekend, before they're going to get excited. So if a lover is partnered together with an executive and something like that happens, imagine if you know that about yourself, right? 

Laura: Right. 

Amber: So like if you know that about yourself, then you can communicate, maybe take the other person's reaction a little bit less personally because it can even work backwards. So, like, the executive could be like, you don't even care. Like, I actually, I actually spent a lot of time planning this lunch for your parents because we haven't seen them in three months and your blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like, you just came in and, like, threw that out the window and expect me to just change it all. Like, how, like that can feel very disrespectful. 

Laura: Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you're talking about making sure that everybody feels seen and heard and valued for the unique individuals that they are. 

Amber: So how do you figure out your type? Like, how do you figure out which one you are? So, I have a quiz, but I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go into detail here and then anybody or if you can't help yourself and you'd, like, have to know right now. You can go to flourishquiz.com, flourish quiz.com and, and just answer the first thing, that kind of your gut reaction, it will give you two choices and you just, you don't want to overthink it because sometimes they're really close. Sometimes you're like, ah, kind of depends on the day I might answer this. Sometimes it's like, neither, you know, and that's purposely set up that way.

Laura: Sure.

Amber: So that it's a robust, thing because some of there's overlap between all the different five anxiety styles. So the five are The Lover, The Fighter, The Executive, The Visionary and The Dynamo and all of these types have different contributing factors. So what happened earlier in your life or what kind of emotional, not necessarily trauma, but what, you know, big emotional markers make you you. But as we know, like because we see siblings who have the same parents and have, you know, experienced a lot of the same environmental processes and they're totally different emotionally, right? 

Laura: Right.

Amber: So that's just you know, possible contributing factors. And then there are, you know, emotional triggers, like I would mentioned earlier, there's some things that are gonna trigger a, a visionary that are not gonna trigger a dynamo at all, right? And and then there are ways you flourish like, and so that's what I want to share here is like for the, the holidays, for instance, or any, any period of time where you're like, okay, man, I gotta gear up like I need to raise my emotional base account because it's gonna be challenged because I have too much on my plate right now or, you know, I have unrealistic expectations for myself right now or whatever that might be. So understanding your anxiety style can then help, you know, know what triggers are likely to happen so that you can like either avoid or minimize those. So that you can communicate those to other people.

Like, hey, just so, you know, when we're going to be, you know, packing for this trip, I'm going to need XYZ. Right? So you can anticipate your emotional needs and communicate them better and then also know what you need to refuel yourself specifically. Like, okay, I know I'm gonna need a walk outside by myself every morning. Okay,0 so if the kids are getting up and they're playing with their cousins, I'm gonna like set my alarm earlier, grab a cup of coffee down the street and just disappear for 15 minutes. Like, right? So you can anticipate your emotional needs and know for you that that's gonna be much better than, for instance, somebody else kind of like introvert, extrovert things too, right? When you know what fills you up. So, okay, so let me ask you which, which one do you want to delve into first? Got lover, fighter, executive. 

Laura: Let's just start with the lover. 

Amber: Okay, so lovers are going to be really all about, not only their connection with the people they care about most, right? So they're about quality time about feeling needed, feeling, wanted, feeling like like I, you wanna be around me, like the people I care about wanna be around me like I'm liked and loved and cherished. So and everybody has the the right like that's, that's a very human thing where it goes a bit further where you know, like oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah is better it's kind of better to look at where you might get triggered. And if you're like, oh, that wouldn't bother me at all, then you're probably not a lover, right? So, a lot of lovers will get triggered for instance. So say you're on social media or you're on a friend's, you know, Instagram and you see that, they went out to lunch last week with a bunch of friends, like people, you know, and they were like just down the street and.

Laura: No one called you.

Amber: Nobody called you. And so like it's a very common reaction to be bummed. I mean, some people might be like, I don't want to go to that anyway, like I prefer, I prefer one on one time with these girls or I don't want to go out to a restaurant at night or whatever. But lovers will tend to really spiral with that emotion like, oh my gosh, is she mad at me? Did I do something to offend her with my kid? You know, like I'm just spiraling off with no basis. In fact, just all of these potential worst casee scenarios and it really, really begins to bother me, really hurts my feelings. So lovers are going to be really triggered by that.

Now these are kind of less like for instance, there's some people who are like, oh yeah, I used to be like that totally. But now I know and I have kind of a checks and balance system for myself and you've already then learned the skills to modulate. Yeah, to help modulate some of those emotional reactions, which is fabulous. It's also what's going to fill you back up, right? So, it's also asking your partner or your kids for time with them in a way that really lights you up. So time without devices around, like, even if it's just five minutes, like, hey, let's go, let's go for a quick walk around the block before you start your homework, right? 

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

Amber: Or, or, you know, let's put down our phones and like cuddle up and watch a show together with your partner, you know, so it's asking for things that really fill you up and and then also, and I recommend this for everybody no matter what your anxiety style is, is them being sure to tell the people around you how it made you feel. Like what? Because we're really good at saying what takes us off, right?

Laura: Yeah.

Amber: Like what aggravates us, what frustrates us, what hurts our feelings. Not everybody's great at that, but a lot of us get to a point of frustration where it comes out. But we don't spend quite as much time and energy saying, oh my gosh, when you did that, when we laid on the couch together last night for a few minutes, like, even though you were busy, like it just really filled my heart like it really made me feel special. It made me feel happy, it made me feel happy. The reason I say that is like, don't assume it's obvious, you know what I'm saying?

Laura: Yeah. 

Amber: Like, don't assume everybody knows what makes you happy. And so if you, if it's something or somebody said or did that, you would like to see more of in your life, like go out of your way, be like that made me really happy. Thank you. Like that was amazing. It's awesome. 

Laura: I love that authentic feedback. That's beautiful. 

Amber: It's priceless. And it's something that it's easy to get out of the habit of doing so much so that it feels weird when you do it. So it might take some practice. All right. Should we hit another one or you have? It's about the lover. 

Laura: I think I got the lover. I, I do have a question but I think I'm going to save it or when I, we've heard them all. So what about the visionary? I think that let's do them next. 

Amber: Yeah. So visionaries are very like is in the title like focused on the future. Focused on a big dream, a big impact that often the people around them and sometimes see them themselves. They don't see all the little steps to get there. They're not really concerned with like, okay, then I have to do this and I have to do this, but they're very focused on this big goal. And it's almost like this visceral feeling of like, I'm meant to be doing something really, a lot more like I my purpose here is big and sometimes there are people who are comfortable saying that out loud and other times they just feel it, but they don't feel like they can share it. 

And so one of the things that I recommend a lot with visionaries is that they find other visionaries to connect with even just one or two people where you can freely like really release your wings, you know, spread your wings and be like, oh my gosh, like I wanna create this whole network of 10,000 chains of, you know, probiotic, you know, for new moms or whatever it is like, I'm just making up something here but like where you can, you know, where, where it's not what's to be received like, oh my gosh, that's awesome. I actually know somebody who did something like that but with for babies, like, do you want to talk to her? Like, okay, like really surrounding yourself with big vision thinkers? It's gonna be beautiful. For visionaries what might drain and trigger visionaries is, hey, here's this list of tiny minutia things that I need you to take care of. I mean, again, something that most people don't like to do a lot of, I mean, not all, but this is going to drain a visionary, a lot kind of take their light away.

Laura: Okay.

Amber: And also visionaries. So each of these has different, like, visionaries tend to be more future focused than in the present moment. Right? 

Laura: I was gonna ask that if they have struggled to kind of stay in the present moment. 

Amber: Yes. Yes. Whereas lovers tend to be really good at focusing in on the a present or focused on the past, less, less concerned about the future. I mean, there can be great planners too. They can totally be, but they have an easier time. I'll say really being present with somebody. 

Laura: The visionaries often feel that like depressive kind of the the blues after the holidays. You know, I know lots of folks who get put, throw themselves into the planning, they've looked to the future and then all of a sudden there's nothing to plan anymore.

Amber: That it's a really good question. I think it depends. I think it depends. I think that almost all of these anxiety styles could have that. 

Laura: Yeah, got it.

Amber: Yeah, that depth emotionally. It depends Ithink on how much you're, you're filling yourself up, you know, like, and there's, there's so many different strategies in the book. I go to like so much more detail on all of these. So I'm going to try to just touch on like the, you know, just enough key points where you can see this is gonna help me to, to dig deeper. But, you know, visionaries also tend to make decisions with this more intuitive gut instinct feel as do lovers same thing. Whereas like executives and dynamos are more up here. Okay. Let me make a list, let me see what makes sense and it's practical and logical and let me add the pros and cons that it's much more of a mental game than like a gut feeling. 

Laura: Okay.

Amber: So, so yeah, that's kind of the, the tweaks with visionary. 

Laura: Okay and so who's next?

Amber: We could talk about dynamos since you mentioned them a little bit. So are also very forward thinking.  But more practical based, more mental than kind of gut. So they tend to live in the future more than like in the present moment. But when I mentioned like this, the end goal and the visionaries like, don't necessarily like to concern themselves or their gift so much with the details, the dynamos will, we will be like, okay, so if I want that goal, then in nine months, I need to be here and in six months, I need to be here and in four months, I need to be here and then today I need to do this and then in the next 15 minutes, I need to do that like really like do do, do do.

And so dynamos are very achievement oriented. So, whereas lovers are more connection, right? I want to feel wanted, I want to feel loved, I want to feel connected. And I always say that each of these has kind of a life lesson. So this is not something solved by the end of the book, this is like a a life lesson. So lovers, you know, for lovers, what I really want you to do is know, just know that you are enough like your, your value is there your quality of, you know, life, your value as a human is there regardless of what anybody else says or does? Right? 

Laura: Yeah.

Amber: So I don't want, I don't want your feelings of self value to go up and down.

Laura: Based on who's reflecting them back to you. Exactly. Exactly. Lover's life lesson is how do I enjoy my life and enjoy the process along that way, along my way, that my big goal. So I'm not just waiting to be happy until I have that those 10,000 stores I can enjoy the process. Like how do I learn to kind of get present and get connected a little bit more to enjoy the process. With dynamos, dynamos kind of gut motivator is achievement, right? Achievement, doing action, acknowledgment for that achievement, right? 

So for Dynamos, the life lesson is how do you really feel and know that you're enough already like everything you, you think you're gonna keep achieving because that's what that's what you enjoy. But when you're doing, when you're achieving out of the joy of it versus the proving, right? This like I have to prove I'm, I'm valuable. So I gotta do this next thing I got to write this next book. I gotta write this next book. Like so I always use this example like I just, this is the unflustered mom is my second book and I have the third book is like about to go under contract. The fourth book is the proposals going out. And the fifth book I'm researching, right? It's like, guess which one I am?

Laura: You’re a dynamo.

Amber: I'm a dynamo. So, right. But like if I can write this next book from a place of like, oh, you know, what would be really fun to talk about? Like, you know, what would be really amazing to teach people? Like, oh, I'm so excited to share this stuff. It's gonna be such a better book than it's than if I'm coming from a place of like, okay, well, this book sold 10,000 copies and if I do, if I partner with these other people, maybe this next book can sell 40,000, you know, like what kind of book is going to come out of that energy? Like that approach. This is like, oh my gosh, I'm so excited I have so much more to share since the last book.

Laura: Right? I really love this framing of kind of the different life lessons that the for the, the each style there's a, a lesson that you're here to learn. You know, if you have that style. I really like that. I feel like it's, it's so tempting to think like we're just gonna learn what we need to learn and then we'll know it and then we'll go on with our lives and like that's just not going to happen. And so I seeing these as invitations to get comfortable with getting uncomfortable and yeah, I really, really like that. Okay, so who's after the dynamo? Are we?

Amber: We have executive.

Laura: Okay.

Amber: So executives are also very future oriented and very strategic and practical in their decisions. These are the planners, these are, I want to feel safe and I feel safe and loved when I feel  in control, when I can anticipate what's gonna happen. Trust, dependability, loyalty, those are all really, really big important words for executives, right? And so, where executives are gonna feel, you know, triggered or you know, emotionally, not emotionally flustered, we'll say is when, you know, they have friends or loved ones who are canceling on them last minute, you know, not, not dependable, not trustworthy or who are running late all the time, right? So, you know, visionaries might be, you know, so if an executive is together with a visionary that the visionary is like, oh my gosh, I got this great idea. I'm like, in the moment I got like, I want to record a video about it right now. Or I'm gonna record, I've got a great podcast idea. Record it, you know, or I want at least make notes about it could be a few minutes late. Like, with another visionary they're like, oh, go, go, go, do it, do it. Yes, you're in the zone.

Laura: Right  now. 

Amber: You want to take advantage of that. Yeah. Whereas, you know, so an executive, you know, is if you know that about yourself and you know, what about your partner? You can say, Okay, I know them and they're gonna, it's gonna be longer than five minutes even though they said they have five minutes. So I'm going to go ahead and just change the reservation now, so that I'm not frustrated and, and anxious about it. 

Laura: And really too, Amber, what you're talking about is reconstructing the narrative that we have around these actions,

Amber: Oh my gosh, yes.

Laura: Right? And so, I mean, like if we are understanding that this is not coming from a place of disrespect or lack of love that it's coming from some, you know, something that's going on with the person and not something that's wrong with us that they're responding to.

Amber: Yes.

Laura: We're able to be more forgiving and gracious and compas compassionate and feel better about ourselves.

Amber: Right? I know. And then that, and then you're not building up that resentment, you're not building up that you're gonna blow up later. Like there's a later chapter in the book that's all about, it literally compares each two. Anxiety says, so if you have a partner, you know, so if it's like lover and a fighter together, a fighter and executive and it says like, hey, here's a, here are the areas where you're gonna maybe be in more alignment where you can connect and then here's the areas where you're gonna maybe be off in alignment and how you can, how using your understanding of, of where the coming from so that you're less likely exactly what you said to take it personally way less likely to be triggered by it. And you know, oh my gosh, it's gonna save you so many arguments and heartaches and hurt feelings and frustration and we don't have any extra energy for that. 

Laura: No.

Amber: I'd love to minimize that for people.

Laura: We don't. So I feel like I want to talk about how this applies to kids and parenting, but I, I know we need to talk about the fighter first. 

Amber: Okay, yeah. And so, and, and really, I'll do the life lesson for executives since.

Laura: Oh sure, yes yeah. 

Amber: So really, you know, executives often this feeling of like I'm not safe, like I need to have control and structure and know what's coming often that will come from something that developed early on when you didn't have that safety or dependability. And maybe now you do, but you still have that feeling of void whereas you, you're, you're safe, you're probably okay now.   maybe not. But if you are so it's about understanding. Maybe I'm safer than I thought and I can really embrace a little bit more of my, childlike, you know, some more play.

So a lot of the strategies I have around executives are doing activities that don't, you can't do right or wrong. Like, there's no writer, like, you know, painting or dancing or hula hooping or singing or whatever. You can't, there's no, like mastering it. Maybe, you know, like you're not, it's not making you money. It's not a revenue stream. Like it's, you know, and, and really like getting playful and silly and if you can like using your body in it too, like whether it's like rolling around on the floor with your pet, you know, playing with a little baby, like, you know, doing things that are physically playful and getting back into your body a little bit more are, are some of the strategies that are really good emotionally for executives. 

Laura: I love that. So I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm an executive and all of the things that you were just talked about are my go to self care things, right? 

Amber: Yeah.

Laura: But I struggle with them. So like when I start doing art, I'm like, wait, I can't sell this. It's not productive. Why am I doing this? It's a waste of paper. But then I just make myself do it because it feels really good. 

Amber: But so you've already tapped into that. It's exactly true. And that's when, you know, it's like it's working right? Because it's, it is uncomfortable. Like, you know, it's so valuable for you and you feel it but you have to like, argue with yourself together. That's how I am about meditation for me. A, a daily meditation practice and being quiet and getting present so hard. But it's, but it's.

Laura: It’s important, too.

Amber: It's a deal breaker for me. I do it every morning and every night and, it makes such a huge impact because it's not a go to, like, for my husband, he just laughs. He's like that. He does those things very intuitively naturally. Like he'll be, he'll take a bath and I'll be like, do you want a book or something? Do you do a notepad? Like, what are you gonna do in there? You know, it's my bright. No. And he's like, no, I'm good. Like he’ll.

Laura: You're just gonna be it. 

Amber: Yeah. And he can do that very naturally where I have to like, quiet and wake up early and have a little breathing, you know, thing and have like a whole mantra and I have all these different strategies I could choose from, depending on which ones I'm feeling like that. 

Laura: Yeah.

Amber: Like, it's a very different approach. But like you, like, that's what my system physiologically needs and yours, you know, can benefit. 

Laura: Yeah, I love that. Okay, fighters.

Amber: I like that, you know, love fighter. Okay, so for my fighters out there, fighters are people who tend to feel very very comfortable in the chaos, feel very at home in in trauma, in challenge, in fighting in conflict. It's kind of where they shine. They may be exhausted from because they might have been doing it a lot in their entire life. But they tend to kind of label themselves as survivors, right? As also as protectors for people, they tend to be the people who early on in their life didn't have somebody who was in a caregiver role that made them allow them to really feel safe, right?

So they learned how to do that for themselves. And now often as adults, if they see a conflict or a bullying situation or an injustice or an unfairness or anything, they will tend to move toward it, right? To get involved, right? This, this impulse to, to protect, to, you know, get, get involved and both out of a sense of like, hey, this is not, right, like this is not okay. You know, I I'm gonna do so even if it has nothing to do with them. So, so the issue with that then is that's exhausting sometimes.

Laura: Yeah.

Amber: Fighting battles on multiple fronts all the time, right? 

Laura: Or to be even looking for more drama, more unrest, you know, like if life happens to be peaceful, not trusting it and kind of going, going searching, waiting for the for the other shoe to drop.

Amber: Wait for the other shoe to drop, because that's been their experience that it's gonna drop. So it's like I'm gonna poke it then until it drops because I'd rather know what's gonna happen. You seem, you know, I'm in this new relationship. You seem really great right now. But where are your boundaries? I need to know because I don't want to be surprised when you freak out or you're mad or you're upset or, or you disappear. So I'm gonna poke a little bit, I'm gonna poke a lot at you. So I know because I'm more comfortable in that.

And so, you know, the life lesson with, with fighters then is how can I learn to get a little bit more comfortable right? In, in the calm and the joy and, and know that I'm, I'm worthy of, of maybe having financial, you know, stability and abundance, having a, a loving, healthy relationship, having a, a job that I enjoy, right? So some of the tools like that I have for for fighters are things like asking yourself. Do I have the bandwidth like checking yourself when you're just feeling that like, oh I'm going to get involved. There's this thing happening with the parents at my school, right. Just ask yourself first. Do I have the bandwidth for this right now or can I skip this fight? I skip this one. I'll catch the next one. There's gonna always be something to get involved in. Right? 

Laura: Yeah.

Amber: So make it a more conscious decision instead of this impulsive like draw to get involved in all these things.

Laura: Okay.

Amber: Make it. How do we make it a conscious choice? And then secondly is when I am feeling that kind of uh itchy, like I'm, I'm itchy, I'm itching for something. How can I make a healthy choice to add challenge in my life? 

Laura: Yeah. This is what I was thinking about with the holidays because the holidays are so filled with challenge anyway. It's easy to go looking for it and find it and blow it up. You know, how can we do it in a proactive but positive way? 

Amber: Right. Right. So you're like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna join in, I was gonna say impromptu class. What's it called? Improv? An improv class? Or I'm gonna, I'm gonna learn to play the ukulele and play this for everybody at the Christmas dinner. Right, right in front of everybody and I've never done that before or I'm gonna like, I'm gonna whatever, like, learn how to often. It's, it's like learning something new. That's a little bit scary or, you know, oh, I wanna get in better shape but like, you know, jogging every day for whatever is not, doesn't appeal to me, but I'm gonna sign up for a sprint marathon that's like in two months and I don't even barely know how to swim. Okay, like something like that or I'm gonna make travel plans to a country I've never been in and I don't even know what languages they speak there, but like, let's just do it, let's plan it for March, you know. So, how can you proactively.

Laura: Give yourself a problem to solve.

Amber: Give yourself those problems and challenges in a way that actually adds value to your life.

Laura: I like that a lot. That's really great.

Amber: Instead of leaves you feeling depleted or alone or unsupported or disconnected or broke, you know, like, or hurt, you know, because often we will surround ourselves with people who can reenact those same tra as from early life, right? So how do I stop that cycle? But also,  you know what I like, likened it to, when I was writing the book, like, it's almost like if you were born and raised at really high altitude, like, and really, really high up in the mountains and your body is accustomed to like a very low level of oxygen. And then you come down and you, like, move to San Diego where I live and you, and you like at the beach level and it's a lot of oxygen. Like, it's like, it's, it's, it feels a little off for you. And you, and this is terrible way to say it, but like, you're almost like cut off your oxygen level a little bit, you choke yourself a little bit because that's what you're way more comfortable with less air but it's not healthy for you. 

Laura: Right.

Amber: It's not, you know, we don't want that, we want you to get more and more comfortable breathing more easily and more readily and you deserve it. So how can we add that, you know, back in a, in a healthier way? 

Laura: I like, I really like that idea. Okay, so Amber, I, I feel like as I'm listening to you talk about these and as I was reading through them in your book, I couldn't help but think about my kids. And so yes, super helpful to understand myself and understand my partner. Definitely going to help with interactions, kids, of course, and you know, different personality types and stuff, they're hard to do on kids because, you know, they're, they're younger and stuff. But is there a way to use some of this information to help us support our kids and you know, help them develop kind of, I don't know, in a really healthy way, I guess.

Amber: For sure. So here's what I would say. I totally agree with you. I think they're still, they're still.

Laura: Still forming.

Amber: They’re still forming, they're still experiencing all the things that are going to make them who they become later. So I, I don't like the idea of like labeling anybody anything.

Laura: Of course.

Amber: Anything really early on. However, we can use these insights to say, to notice things about our kids and notice, oh, this when I change things at the last minute. Holy mackerel like these two kids are fine but this one loses it, you know. So, okay, they need a little bit more, you know, information ahead of time. They need a little bit more like the rest of our family all super go with the flow and this kid is, is more jarred by that. It's just different if they were in a family where everybody was like that and there was one, you know, outlier way, you know, it just is what it is. So how can I help them feel more comfortable? 

So when you read through all of these in detail and you see your kids in them, then you can think. Oh that, that's why, that's why. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So next time this happens, I can do this instead to help meet their needs, their emotional needs a little bit more. So that is one way you could do it. Another way is, is noticing like where it, it's like communicating with them and helping them understand your emotional needs too.

Laura: Yeah.

Amber: Like, hey, this is how I've learned about myself. And what I love about that is you're modeling to them, which is like the right like the part of parenting way more than we all like to admit it because the hardest way. But modeling to them like, hey, I, I'm learning something about myself and wow, like it's helping me show up, it's helping me be feel happier. It's helping me have more patience. It's helping me helping me have more energy like, you know, and teaching them that like when you have self awareness and insight about your emotional state and your emotional needs and then can communicate that in a kind and compassionate way. Holy mackerel, like you're giving them, you're giving them such amazing, like life ammunition. You know what I mean? 

Laura: I so agree.

Amber: Like incredible life skills. So like for instance, when we got a cat during, we adopted a cat during quarantine and stuff and for me, it was so fascinating to see how they each kind of showed their care, you know, showed it how they each like interacted with the cat. Like one of my kids, the 12 year old took on all the like logistical responsibilities, like literally like washes her bowl out every day, like make sure she has this food will tell me like, hey, we need to order more wet food because we're running low like he just was on it. You know, he just took that over. Another one of my kids constantly verbally is saying I love you so much Andy, I love you, we love you. We, you know, like and I thought, oh my goodness, like this is how my kids want to see they're perceiving love. Yeah. And so you know, watching how, what they trigger to and how they tend to calm themselves is gonna be really really good insight for parents as well. 

Laura: And I think that's really helpful Amber. Thank you so much. Excuse me. Well, I did that. 

Amber: It happens. 

Laura: Yes, it happens. So I really, I, I really like this idea and I think that there's gonna be people who want to get a copy of the book. So where can they go to find the book and learn more from you and about you? 

Amber: Yeah. Well, and I have a bunch of bonus stuff too. So you get the book anywhere like on Amazon and barnesandnoble.com at target.com and you can get it at your local bookstore.  Definitely go ask for it if you don't see it there and they, they'll order it up for you. Also if you, if you like to order from independent bookstores, you go to bookshop.org. and then you, I also have it on audible. So if you just wanna put it on and listen to it, as you're running errands or doing the laundry or going for a walk or driving to work, it, that was really fun to record the audible for it. So it's on audible as well. And I have, actually I have a card deck that I, I'll show it to you. I have like a little card deck that goes along with it.

Laura: Oh fun!

Amber: Yeah. So they're just little inspirational messages and then I have, if you go to my website, which is just my name ambertrueblood.com and you put in your anxiety style. So if you say, oh I'm an executive and you put in your email address, then I will email you all these cool like guided meditations specifically for your anxiety style and then mantras that support that life lesson, right?  

Laura: Awesome.

Amber: For each anxiety style. So yeah, so these are these little like I know we're not on video but I'm sure you are. 

Laura: Oh no, it's okay. It’s good.

Amber: It's all these little parts about, you know, being present or drinking more water or oh, this is the one that came up. 

Laura: I give myself permission to play. 

Amber: I can give myself permission to play that one. I love your playful. So so yeah, that's so funny. That was for you clearly.

Laura: Perfect. 

Amber: I love it. 

Laura: I love when things like that happen. Well, thank you so much, Amber. I really appreciate it. I'll have all the links to those things in the show notes. Thank you so much for sharing this kind of perspective and framework for, for families. So I get to know themselves better.

Amber: Thanks for having me on and I just know hope everybody knows that like you really do deserve to be unflustered, you deserve to be happy and it's not, it's not a luxury or a selfish thing. It really is. I think part of your responsibility as a parent. Yeah. 

Laura: And, and our birthright as humans. 

Amber: Yes. That's, yeah. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!


Episode 175: Why Moms Need Time Away: The Transformative Effects of Retreat with Dr. Jen Riday

In this week’s episode, I have the pleasure of hosting the incredible Dr. Jen Riday, a mom of 6 with a Ph.D. in Human Development and Family Studies and the host of the Vibrant Happy Women Podcast. During our conversation, we dive into the reason time away (retreat) is so vital for women in general, but especially moms. Retreats arer a unique opportunity for women to invest in themselves, practice self-care, build friendships, and gain clarity in the midst of life's busyness.

Here are some of the takeaways:

  • Dr. Jen Riday sheds light on the transformative nature of the women’s retreats, especially her annual Vibrant Happy Women Retreat

  • My own experience, especially the welcoming atmosphere and diverse perspectives (women at all ages and stages of life) at the retreat

  • We also explore the upcoming retreat where I'll be leading a topic on Family Dynamics, exploring how to have healthy 1-1 relationships with important people in your lives. There are a few last minute spots available, if you’re interested in coming!  Click HERE for more details.

If you’d like to join us you can follow the link below to learn more! 

https://www.laurafroyen.com/retreat

And if you want to chat about it or ask some questions, email me at laura@laurafroyen.com and we can find a time to connect on the phone!

To know more about Dr. Riday and what she does, visit her website and follow her on Instagram and Facebook.


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: In this episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, my good friend and colleague, Dr Jen Riday and I discuss the benefits of retreat and getting time away for women and especially moms in the process of discussing this important topic. We also discuss Dr Jen Riday’s upcoming vibrant Happy Women Retreat. This is an annual retreat that I've had the benefit of being able to go on and present at a couple of times and it's coming up again in February and there's a few open spots. So if you'd like to check it out and come with us, after hearing this session, you can learn more at laurafroyen.com/retreat. 

Jen: Hey, everyone. I'm here with Doctor Laura Froyen. I'm super excited. You're here. 

Laura: Oh, yeah, I'm so happy to be here and we're going to put this on my podcast, too. So, I hope you'll introduce us as well, so, or introduce yourself. So, yeah, I'm Doctor Laura Froyen and I have my PHD in Human Development and Family Studies. I think I've been on your show a couple of times now. But what I really love is helping kids and families find more authentic connection with each other, and more authentic connection with themselves. So I have a background in marriage and family therapy right now. I work as a parenting consultant, coach and educator and I just really love coming alongside families during moments in their lives, period stretches where they're struggling and helping them figure out what it is they actually want and how to get there in an effective way that's backed up by research and intuition. So Dr. Jen Riday, why don't you tell my audience a little bit about yourself? 

Jen: Yes, I'm excited to be on your podcast as well. This is really fun to be on a joint podcast endeavor. So before I do, my name is Jen Riday, I'm from Madison, Wisconsin. And my podcast is called Vibrant Happy Women. I want you to share though the name of your podcast. 

Laura: The Balanced Parent. 

Jen: Yes, the Balanced Parent. Okay, perfect. So as Laura said, I have a PHD like Laura in Human Development and Family Studies. And what I do is to help women with womanhood, not the specific emphasis on parenting, like Laura does so well, but helping women to figure out what they want to manage their time and balance their life and way that feels good and authentic. You know, often after we become moms or, you know, I'm empty nesting. Some of my kids, I should say after we become moms and have done it for a while, we burn out because we forget to put ourselves on the docket and to put ourselves first and pay attention to how we think and how we feel. And I, I help women with that so we can feel like life is joyous and, and awesome again, so. 

Laura: I love that. Yeah, and we need it, right. So I think that it's so easy to lose ourselves in motherhood. And I think a lot of parenting podcasts in places, talk about that specific aspect of it. But I actually really love your podcast and your work because it's not focused on just women who are mothers, right? It's focused on because we don't just do this with our kids. We lose ourselves in the surface of our jobs in the service of our partners in the surface of our friends or our family. You know, we get this cultural message that it's not okay to put ourselves. Not even first, just on the list at all. You know? And I, I really love that you teach very practical ways to do that work of figuring out not just how to put yourself first, but how to feel worthy of that, too. 

Jen: Yes, for sure. You know, I think it comes back to, I, I'm guessing most parents do this. I remember when my kids, I have six children. I remember when my first couple of children were born. I was gonna do it right. I was gonna take everything I'd learned in school about parenting and apply it all. And then you get these moments of just life where you're not getting along with your spouse or something's up with your finances or you're moving and it's so stressful and you're losing your temper and you start to assess and, or reassess and think, oh, I feel miserable. And at the end of it all, I think the best moms, the best women in general are living a life that's happy and showing others by example what that looks like because we all know what it feels like to be around someone who's unhappy and drained and exhausted and miserable and that's not really in the end what we want to give our kids. So that's why for excellent parenting, you know, why you teach, it really starts with excellent, self care and excellent boundaries.

Laura: Yeah and self mothering, right? So, being a good mom to yourself, even if you don't have kids learning how to be that good wise mother that maybe we didn't get that we always needed and always deserved. 

Jen: Right. 

Laura: Yeah, okay. So I feel, so we got together today to talk a little bit about the retreat that we have that you have coming up that I've had just the, the pleasure and the luck to be able to go to with you a couple of times. Will you tell us a little bit about the, the retreat that you host every year? 

Jen: Okay. So I host what's called the Vibrant Happy Women Retreat, similar to the name of my podcast and it started in 2018. We started in Florida. We've been in Dominican Republic, this year we’ll be in Mexico. Next year back to the Dominican Republic. Location is great. We all love beaches in February, so.

Laura: We love that. 

Jen: That's a given. But what I love about the retreat is the women I tend to attract through my work are looking to I guess invest in themselves again, invest in self care and habits and friendship and they're also very, very authentic. So I find it to be really rejuvenating for me even though I'm leading the the event. But we spend four days doing workshops, big group workshops, small group workshops, playing pickleball, eating together. The food is amazing. But just with the end goal of rejuvenating and unleashing some inner fire and figuring out what we want and getting that clarity that we sometimes miss when we're busy all the time and kind of getting out of the deep end of the pool, no longer treading water getting out so we can think and breathe and figure out what we even want for the next year ahead. 

Laura: My gosh, I love that imagery of getting out of the deep end of the pool, getting out on the edge, resting, kind of getting back in touch with yourself. You know, the first time I went on this retreat, I was, was it 2022? I think it was 2022. So we were fresh out of the, you know, the hard years of the pandemic, right? So, I mean, just, it was a really hard time for the world and it was, I think my first trip that I took after things had changed after COVID, right? And I did not know what to expect, Jen. I was really nervous. I'm a kind of shy introvert and I really did not, you know, I didn't know anyone other than you who was going, I had a friend come with me. Thank goodness. That made me feel a little bit safer. But when I got there, the people were so welcoming and kind and it was a situation too where you can do as much or as little as you want, you can kind of dip your toe in, see what feels good and then take time for yourself to journal or to meditate or take a yoga class. And I, I really love that piece of it and the other piece that I didn't know I needed was time away by myself. Whenever I've been away from my kids for the most part, it's been to go with someone to do something else.

You know, whether it is with my husband to go do something for an anniversary trip or with, you know, to go visit a friend. It's never been just myself, you know, other than I think, like one time I spent the night at a cabin or, you know, in upper Wisconsin and the cold, you know, that was very solitary, which was lovely. I need alone time, but I had never really had a big stretch of it with other women that were from lots of different places and spaces in their lives. You know, so I met women who were grandmothers, there were women with kids in high school women with toddlers and women who weren't married, who were single and, you know, just kind of a big range and I think that for a lot of my time in motherhood, I had been surrounded by other moms. And while that, that community, that type of community is so important. And so, I mean, can be so supportive. I realized on that first retreat that we need diversity in the perspectives that we hear.

A woman who, you know, perhaps doesn't have any kids and is in their sixties. And as you know, you know, moving towards retirement has a completely different world view, a completely different experience and lots of wisdom, inherent innate wisdom to share. And when you get so in your experience, your world narrows down. And so the past two years coming to this retreat with you Jen, has really helped me broaden, my view of the world. Broaden my perspective, acknowledge where I am in, in a journey in a life's journey. I think it's so easy because I feel like in the thick of motherhood, there's the saying, you know, the years are short, but the days are long and I feel like that just really has captured a lot of my experience of motherhood. This kind of the days just seem to stretch, but then it all goes by so fast and seeing different women from different places in their life, different points in the journey has helped me understand that I have a lot of time left on this planet.

You know, that I have this small experience of having my kids growing up in my home for the next 18 years, for the 18 years that we get them is a very small portion of the lived human experience of being a woman, of being Laura. And I've just really, I've never had a context for really getting to know that that's been like, I've had the experience with in your retreats. The two times I've been to your retreat has been that for me just really helping me place myself in my journey and understand that I have a long way to go. Not in terms of growth, I mean, we always have growth to do, but I have a lot of opportunity, a lot of life to live that there's stages ahead of me that it's not all behind me. Do you know what I'm saying? 

Jen: Yes. And, and, and it's not just motherhood. I feel like when we're in high school and college, there's this path in our brains like, oh, I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids and there's really nothing after that. 

Laura: Yes.

Jen: But is that kind of what you're saying? You have this whole individual identity separate from parenthood that needs to be fleshed out.

Laura: Yes.

Jen: And, and hearing other perspectives helps you to do that. 

Laura: Yes. Absolutely. I really liked what you just said. Yeah, that we have this full identity outside of parenthood that needs to be flushed out. I feel like we, you know, so many of us go into having kids. And we think we know what it's going to be like and we think we know who we're going to be and our world gets rocked because it's very different than how we thought it was going to be. And we have to change our identity and then we stop, you know, and, and then I think we're going to bump up against other transitions. Our kids are going to move into teenagerhood and they're going to start looking to their peers for connections and belonging. And that's going to be a rough, it can, can be a very rough transition for parents if they haven't done that work all along the way of continuing to get to know themselves, care for themselves and mother and nurture themselves. And yeah, I just think we have transitions ahead of us and the, we're the constant in that the people around us, the jobs our daily activities will change, but we're the constant and we deserve nurturing. We deserve attention and focus. 

Jen: Absolutely. That's one of the things I do love about the retreat. Now, it might sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but it's not me. When I showed up to the first retreat. It was small, a small group of seven and everyone joined together for a dinner and we were all nervous. I was nervous. What are they going to think of my retreat that I'm hosting? They were nervous because they imagined they were going to eat a meal with a celebrity which made me laugh. And in the end, by the end of two hours at that first meal, I said, and several of them also agreed, um, it feels like you're meant to be my best friends. I don't know how this happened. And that feels similar at every retreat. The women who come are people I would want to spend time with and authentic and real and funny and not divas, not divas. Whatever that means to you. That's not who comes to the retreats, real authentic growths, minded women who just are so awesome. 

Laura: It is always an interesting experience to have folks realize that the people that they listen to on podcasts, they're just actually like real people who, you know, like to eat chicken tenders, you know, or something like, you know, I mean, so that is a very, you know, there's an aspect of that for sure. I love getting to meet, meet new people even though it's stressful for me. I found that at these retreats, having the opportunity to get to know people in some of the workshops has made it easier to see who I'm kind of drawn to and sitting, you know, sit down with, you know, at a meal. I've also given myself permission to have meals on my own, which I mean, gosh, for me as an introvert as someone who really never gets to do that, is really lovely. You know, normally, I mean, I love having meals with my family, but it, it's kind of a luxury to get to have something by yourself too.

So there is, there's space to do those things on your own. But, you know, there's, there's this thing that we go through during different periods of our lives where we're kind of forced to move into, move into spaces that make us a little uncomfortable. And after those points, you know, like new classes in high school going, you know, getting a dorm assignment in college, you know, after those points, maybe a new workplace after, you know, if we start a new job, but there's not very many opportunities for that, especially for someone like me who seeks safety and social security quite a, quite a lot. And I know it's good for me. I know it's good for me to stretch a little bit, you know. And it's nice to be put in a situation where like, well, if I don't want to just sit by myself, I've just got to go sit with some random people who are really nice and, and will be friendly to me, you know, and I mean, and that ultimately they're just lovely, lovely women, lovely women from different parts of the world and country, you know, who, have really wonderful stories to share.

You've done a lot of work on themselves, you are committed to doing more work or committed to growing and caring for themselves. It's really nice to find those people. It's hard sometimes to find those people in real life, you know? Like we know, I have a membership community. You know, we're all in line. We all have a lot in common and when we get together in our zoom room for workshops or for office hours, we all feel very comfortable with each other because, you know, we know each other so well. But it's hard to find that in person in vivo, you know, like having that like an actual physical person in front of us who's doing that work. And that is something that's really lovely about the women who come to your retreats. 

Jen: That is true in person. It seems maybe there's a distance, there's a trick to finding people who love personal growth and doing the work and all those great topics as much as we do. So, one of my. Oh, go ahead. 

Laura: Oh, yeah. I, I do think that there's people, you know, each time I've gone and I know a couple of people who are going this this year who are completely new to the idea of personal development too. So every time I've met a couple of people who are like, I just found it online and I signed up, you know, and I think that that's really cool too because so those people, there's this sense of adventure and like, let's do it, you know, which is fun and also hard for me. So it's fun to be around people who are adventurous in that way. 

Jen: I remember someone last year. I know she wouldn't mind me sharing her first name. Trisha saw the retreat one night, I think 10 days before it began, maybe even just a week. She said, is there still a spot? And I'm like, yes, we have one spot left and she said I'm booking right now, I'm going to check my passport. Okay, it's good. I'm coming. It was amazing and she fit right in with everyone. So, yeah.

Laura: Yeah, that's awesome. I was, you know, I was just um talking with the person who helps me coordinate the classes that I teach for the, for UW Madison, I teach parenting classes for them. And she is retiring at the end of this academic year. And so I was telling her about the retreat. I was kind of working through our schedule and, and telling her when I was going to be gone and she's like, well, wait a second who goes to this retreat?

And I was like, oh, you know, lots of different people, you know, sometimes it's, you know, moms with kids, sometimes it's women who are transitioning to a new phase, you know, have just gotten out of a marriage or are, you know, retiring. She's like, well, that's me and I talked, we talked about it. And 20 minutes later she came out to the, to the parent like the baby class I was leading, I lead an infant play group and she came out and she was like, well, I emailed Jen and I'm going, I booked my tickets. I mean, I'm so excited Barbara's coming this year and it's really lovely to get. I don't know. So there are those people who they see it and they go, they jump in with both feet. I think that's amazing.

Jen: For sure, for sure. So, one of my, one of my favorite things at the retreat is the workshops in the afternoons and you led a workshop last year. So many people came up and said, oh, I love Laura. She's so authentic and nurturing and soulful. But tell them about your class that you led last year, what you can remember and give them a little tease.

Laura: Yeah I’m trying to remember. So, I mean, I think it was an inner child work. 

Jen: Yes. That's right. 

Laura: Yeah. Class. So we talked a lot about our little ones inside us, how important it is to be tender and loving with them, to reparent them in the ways that we weren't met by our parents because they couldn't, you know, for whatever reason. So lots of opportunities to do some healing in the here and now I know that lots of folks are nervous to do some of that work because it feels like they're going to have to go into the past and open old wounds and that's not what I teach. So this is more about in the here and now what does this part of you need now? Not necessarily what they didn't get then, but what do they need now? And how can you meet that need for them? And so we did that and it was lovely and fun. I think the year before we talked about window of tolerance and stress response and that was pretty cool too. 

Jen: So you're leading a workshop at the next retreat as well, any hints or teasers on what your topic is? I mean, you don't have to lock it in. I know you like to feel into what feels right in the moment. 

Laura: I am a little intuitive when it comes to those things that I feel like I've been talking. So it's, I feel like I've been talking a lot with parents recently about family dynamics. Like different ways we relate to people and how kind of the, the the geometry of families, right? So, and how to set boundaries and how to have really good authentic 1 to 1 relationships. So often relationships get complex when we pull other people into them. Or we're trying to navigate a relationship, you know, between our partner and our two kids, you know that like there's a lot of relationships happening in there, there's a sibling relationship, the partner relationship, the relationship you have with each kid, the relationship your partner has with each kid. You know, there's a lot of die of relationships and it can get quite complicated.

And so I think what I would love to work with and we won't focus entirely on kids because not everyone has kids there or wants to talk about kids. But I think what I really want to talk about is how to have really healthy 1 to 1 relationships with someone. And if you start noticing patterns where someone is pulling someone in or someone is inserting themselves into your relationship, how to gently hold boundaries with love and compassion so that you can have those direct authentic 1 to 1 relationships. That's what I've been thinking about. I don't know how that lands with you. 

Jen: It lands really, really well, I mean, it, it almost reminds me of, family circle work. Am I imagining that? Do you know what I'm talking about?

Laura: I don't know about family cycle work it is. It sounds great.

Jen: Well, we'll talk about it later. It sounds, it sounds amazing, Laura. That's beautiful. Very good. 

Laura: Okay and what are some of the things you're going to be working on? I also know you like to be intuitive. What are some of the things you're looking forward to talking about? 

Jen: I have some new topics coming up, but I'm going to leave those as a surprise, but we always think about what's not working in our lives. What do we need to let go of and what are we ready to introduce? We need to always have an ending of some things and an addition of things to feel aligned and aligned with what's right for us. I guess I call it kind of listening to your intuition, but some people use the phrase aligned. We're, we're coming from the murky ocean or the deep end of the pool. We've gotten out, we're on the land, we're safe and we get to redirect our, our compass really. Where do we need to go next to feel our best? And what's the next best me?

You know, having those moments to get out of the churning waters of wherever you are and just breathe, feel the warm sand, feel the sun on your face figuratively and literally, I think it's essential and, and I've always done things like this myself. I'll, I'll often once a quarter just check into a hotel so I can hear what quiet sounds like and hear myself think and notice how I feel about different ideas. So the retreat is just a big one where you can do it for several days, surrounded with people you love and not having someone saying, mom, mom, mom or honey, honey, honey or your boss saying Laura, Laura, Laura, you need to do this. You need to do that. Having your attention always on those needs of other people. Makes it harder to hear that intuitive voice I feel like, yeah.

Laura: I love that Jen. You know, since coming to, starting to come to your retreat, I have given myself more permission to do that sort of thing to just take a day off where I block off my calendar and maybe I don't even go anywhere. But I'm just in my home by myself. I tell my husband to pick up the kids from school and go out to dinner because I'm just going to be by myself, you know, and give myself that permission to check in. It's important and, and it's, I think though, that it's hard for people to do that to give themselves permission to do that. Why is it so hard? Do you know? 

Jen: I think we have these standards of excellent womanhood and excellent motherhood coming at us through social media, through the media TV, through our relatives or older relatives, especially, my mom would never ever have gone on a trip by herself. She would go with her sisters maybe. But, or to go check into a hotel, it just wasn't done. So we see these examples of how it's supposed to be. And we also see among those examples, women who are completely burned out and not loving their roles and not loving their lives. And I don't want to live that way. Life is too short. I am going to love this life if it kills me. You know what I mean? And I think that's why it's hard is those shoulds that surround us. I don't know. What else would you add to that? 

Laura: Yeah. I think, I think we don't have a lot of models. I think you're right. And I think that we, we forget that like modern humans are living a very weird existence. Like the human beings are not meant to live in nuclear families. Like our, our kids are biologically and evolutionarily primed to make four significant attachment to have four significant attachment figures. They like our babies are meant to have four significant present caregivers. And so the fact that when we try to do it with all one person or, you know, just all two people taking care of these kids, it's a lot of pressure and it leaves very little room and we're not, it makes sense that it's hard because it's actually not supposed to be that way, you know, and this is, you know, I live in a nuclear family.

My parents don't want to live with us and help me raise my kids and that's totally fine. We just, the fact is we live in a very different way. But in the past when we all lived together and lived in close tight knit communities, we had aunties, we had grandparents who would take the kids and give you time to go off by yourself, even if it was going off by yourself to gather something, you know, for the community. You still have a stretch of time by yourself. You know, I'm involved in a moon lodge that an Anna Shanae woman hosts in our community and has invited folks into. And she talks a lot about how those traditions used to be such a place of sacred retreat for women that every month during your moon time, you would retreat to this space of rest and creativity. You did no work. People sent food into you. All you did was journal or bead or create and talk, share stories and wisdom for a week, one week, every month. Can you imagine how nourishing that would be for your partner? 

Jen: We need that. We need it. I know we need it. 

Laura: Yeah, and so there's this piece of it. That is the way human bodies are meant to work. And so we, we need this. We need this rest. Our bodies are crying out for it. And not just rest, we need community. We need a space to be with ourselves around others who are being with themselves, you know?

Jen:  True. I love that. Be with ourselves around others who are being with themselves. Yeah. Did I say that right? Oh, that's nice. 

Laura: Yeah, yeah. You said it great. 

Jen: Yeah. Wow, that's great. You're making me excited for the retreat again. Thank you, Laura. 

Laura: I can't wait to go, too. I'm so excited. 

Jen: So this will this next one, we're releasing this just before the 2024 retreat. This next one will be your third and I think my sixth. Wow, this is amazing. I'm glad you've been to half of my retreats. 

Laura: I can't even believe that. That's so exciting. When I went to my first one, a couple of years ago, it felt like you had been doing this for 20 years. I was so in awe of you, you know, I had really only ever seen you in a friend context and I, I was just so in awe of the, just the way you held a space for a room. I remember going to the you had a EFT tapping session that was just so powerful. If you've never done EFT tapping in person in a group setting, you don't know how unreal it is. I mean, I'm a scientist, okay, but there's something that happens during an EFT group session in person that just like there's just this like magnification of it. I was very powerful. 

Jen: Yeah, that's, that's an interesting kind of little tangent. I'll speak a moment too. There is something very healing about in person energy where a group is doing healing work, trying to up level their thoughts um release a trauma um change how they feel about something. So I feel like every year that I've gone to the retreat, I've up leveled kind of my baseline happiness or my baseline energy a little bit, it's a, an intensive way to just push up a notch. I'm going to be this much happier now because you experience that healing in the group. You know, sometimes I feel that on Zoom or over a podcast interview like this, but it's magnified tremendously, the healing, so. 

Laura: I agree. You can get the feeling online sometimes. But there's not, there's no replacement for in person work, you know, really at the end of the day, we're meant to be together, you know. 

Jen: Yeah. And I guess I would add that my retreat style and why I invite you as well. We're not in our heads just learning facts. We are very much experiencing emotion and energy and love, I guess I would add. Something's happening to all of us at the physical level, at the emotional level. It's not just cognitive and that's also why I love the retreat. It's really healing that way.

Laura: Yeah, I love it. I love it too. Okay, so this is going to come out right before this year's retreat. Are there as of right now as we're recording, are there still spaces available? 

Jen: Yep. This year's retreat is in Ixtapa Mexico, which is the Pacific coast of Mexico. I always love the Pacific Ocean. I feel like the waves crash harder and the water is warmer. You just fly in and club med the resort where we'll be staying, picks us up um all very safe and then we stay the whole time on the resort. So safety is locked in and then in 2025, the retreat will be back in the Dominican Republic at a resort. Similarly, you just fly in the resort picks you up. All your needs are cared for. All inclusive meals are included, room and board is included. You're just taken care of. You have this container to not have anyone need anything from you. And it's very magical. Yeah. 

Laura: Oh my God. It's so magical to just go to a place and all your needs are met and you don't have to take care of anyone else other than yourself. 

Jen: And you go to your room as needed and you don't even have a spouse to deal with as much as we love our spouses. Sometimes we need, I mean, what, tell me, Laura or maybe tell everyone why would you want to travel without your spouse? What does that do for you? Shouldn't you want to always travel with your spouse? I don't know. 

Laura: Oh, okay. So, I love my husband as a recording. I just got back from a weekend trip with him for his birthday, like a four day trip with him for his birthday. It was wonderful and fun. But it's very hard to follow your intuition when another person has their own needs that need to be met too and their own desires and their own wants, you know. And so it's very, you and especially as women, we are so, so socialized to consider others needs before our own that it's very hard to get a clear sense of what you need when someone you care about is around you because we're just, we're just so trained to not do that. And so going by yourself is, is really freeing if you can get over that.

Like, if you've never done it before, if you can get over that hump of, they're gonna be fine. You know, like, you know, I know lots of, lots of moms who carry so much of the mental and emotional load at home. They have to think about things like, are they going to have food? Are they going to eat? Do they know what to pack for school lunches? You know, all of those things, like they'll be fine, they will be okay as long as we can get that, put it in a little, you know, do what we need to before we leave and then put it away. I actually really like that it's international because then I don't even turn my phone on. I mean, you know, I don't want to pay for international calling and stuff. So I just turn my phone off entirely and I love that. 

Jen: I'm not ashamed to admit I have no interest in talking to my family while I'm gone because I know there will be something they want me to solve even on those phone calls. And so, yeah, that's fascinating. Yeah. 

Laura: And there's, I mean, and it's that, you know, secure attachment, both with kids with partners means that we want to be connected while being our own selves, right? So it's the, it's the secure interplay between autonomy and connection, right? And we have to be able to separate in order, you know, like that, being able to confidently separate is a part of a secure attachment, you know, so there's, there's that piece of it too. It's good for us. 

Jen: It is. And, and I will add, I used to be much more of a traditional woman where I was the stay at home parent and my husband worked and I didn't have host retreats or have a podcast. And at that time I like did everything. Sad to admit, not everything my husband would help, right. He would help and he would babysit. But going on my retreats was one of the best things because I didn't make myself available. And my husband has become so much more present in every way because that week where I was gone, he learned to do more of that stuff.

And now I'm happy to admit that he probably does more around the house than I do. By a long shot, he does all the cooking, he can sign forms, he can help people do their budgeting. Our kids have little budgets, I mean, he can run everything I only thought I could do in the past. And I love that it's taken so much pressure and that, that mental weight off my head to know he's got this, but it required me to detach enough to force or to allow maybe him to step in without me telling him how it should be. And he has his own ways in many, many things and the house isn't perfect when I get back, but it's decent. It's like doable.

Laura: It’s standing.

Jen: I'm not going to fall. It's scary. But, I mean, it's, it's completely worth it. It's, it's helped him really show up presently with our kids and with our household way better because he's had practice, much practice doing it. So it was a gift to myself. 

Laura:  And to him too. So the research backs this up when we do things like this when we had a sexual relationship and the person who does all of the primary caregiving takes themselves out and gives the other one an opportunity to, to really step in, it increases their enjoyment of their parenting experience too. So it's not just good for us. It's good for them. It's good for those relationships that are at home, too. 

Jen: Yes. Agreed. Agreed. And my kids are, you know, they're still prone to want to come to me to solve problems, but they're quicker to know that their dad is available or they'll open the door and see I'm busy and I'll just ask dad. So I love that, too. Yeah.

Laura: That's great. That's great. I love it. 

Jen: Well, I think we've really touched on a lot of the benefits of getting away, getting out of the deep end of the pool, stopping to tread that water and just sit on the side for some people that's with a margarita and figuring out what we want next, we get to do that. We get to decide we're more than just caregivers and wives and mothers and all the things. We are humans first, so.

Laura: Yeah.

Jen: Glad we could talk about us. 

Laura: I really, I love that. Thank you for, you know, chatting about this with me and giving me the opportunity to share kind of what it's been like for me the past couple of years. I'm so excited.

Jen: Yeah, I’m looking forward to your workshop again, in Mexico. 

Laura: Well, thanks for having me. 

Jen: Thanks, Laura.

Laura: I always, I feel, I feel like it's such a, you know, a privilege to get to go to these retreats that you set up so beautifully. 

Jen: Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Well, thanks for the chat.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 174: True Attachment Parenting - How Understanding Your Own Attachment Can Change Your Parenting with Annette Kussin

Welcome to another episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast. This week, we're delving into the fascinating world of adult attachment and how it shapes our parenting styles. I'm joined by Annette Kussin, a psychotherapist and a social worker based in Toronto. Annette is the author of two books called It’s Attachment and Secure Parent, Secure Child. We'll explore how understanding your attachment style can significantly impact how you raise your children, fostering a greater sense of safety within your home. 

Here are some of the takeaways:

  • Explore Annette Kussin's journey into attachment theory

  • Difference between infant attachment and adult attachment

  • Influence of attachment on parenting 

  • Examples of adult attachment categories in parenting

  • Explore the connections between parental attachment and its impact on the child's developing brain

To connect directly with Annette, you can email her at akussin@bellnet.ca, and her website www.annettekussintherapy.com.

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be exploring how your own adult attachment style impacts the way in which you parent your children and how to kind of take that information to increase a felt sense of safety within your home. To help me with this conversation, I have an adult attachment expert who is a practicing psychotherapist and social worker in Canada Toronto. Her name is Annette Kussin and I'm so excited to have her here. We are gonna geek out about attachment so be prepared my dear listener. Annette, welcome to the show. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourself? You know who you are, what you do and then we'll jump in. 

Annette: Thanks, Laura. Thank you for having me. I'm so pleased to be here. So, as you said, I'm a social worker and psychotherapist marriage and family therapist. And I have been interested in attachment for many, many years and then interested in adult attachment, also many years, but a little more recently, I'm trained in it. And I've trained to do the adult attachment interview. I've worked with, Dan Hughes. I was part of a group that he started, I worked with adopted children and their attachment issues again for many years. But it certainly wasn't my original work, but that's kind of what I've been focused on, now for, oh, probably 2020 years, at least so. It's absolutely my belief system if I see the world from a detachment lands and certainly all of the issues that I see. At this point in my career, I'm mainly interested in training. So I get lots of workshops, I supervise people and writing. So I've written two books and I hope I will continue to write. 

Laura: Yeah, two lovely books on attachment. 

Annette: Mhm. 

Laura: Can you tell us just kind of before we get started? I think a lot of our listeners will be familiar with attachment theory and how it applies to young children and infants. They know the difference between attachment theory and attachment parenting, the mode of parenting popularized by the seers and how they're really not related at all. So they understand those things, but what is the difference between infant attachment and adult attachment? Can you tell us how they're related and kind of just a frame or conversation? 

Annette: So adult attachment certainly is based on your early attachment experiences, but it is also based on what happens to you in your later childhood and adolescence. So it's sort of both kind of experiences, so you can have had a difficult early childhood experience. But if you have some positive experiences later, then that might might change your adult attachment. But typically your early childhood attachment is also going to evolve into your adult attachment. And it's based on again, the work of Mary Ainsworth and Mary May, and they certainly establish the category of the adult attachment by trying to understand the mothers of the children that they had already determined their attachment. So it's very much connected but other experience after early childhood can also very much influence the evolution of your attachment. 

Laura: Okay. And so how would the average person see their own adult attachment style manifested in their daily lives? Maybe not even as parents, just adults? 

Annette: Yeah. So, again, there are three categories of adult attachment or four categories of adult attachment, similar to child attachment. So, uh what's interesting is that Mary May who established this gave them a different name in adulthood. And I'm not quite sure why I've been trying to find that out. So secure attachment in children is called autonomous attachment in adults. And it, it really makes sense because it means if you have a secure attachment as an adult, then you have the capacity both to sort of be in intimate relationships. But you also have the capacity to be a separate autonomous human being. So it just, it, it is that combination that I think is, is why the name autonomous is really useful and relevant. 

Laura: Yeah, I like that, you know, because the attachment is really all about autonomy and relatedness and the interplay between the two. And so, yes. Yeah. 

Annette: So if you're gonna be a secure adult, you have that capacity for both union and separate. 

Laura: Yeah, I love it. 

Annette: Yeah. And then there's three insecure attachments again, similar to child attachment. So the the first is called preoccupied attachment, which is anxious attachment in childhood. So people with a preoccupied attachment have a lot of anxiety or are pretty dependent kind of human beings. Their whole sense of self is based on their relationships. They are highly sensitive to being abandonment for somebody not being available and then they have real poor capacity to regulate their effect. So if somebody's not available, they're gonna become highly anxious, very angry. And we'll have difficulty controlling. So that's kind of a very basic description of, of that avoidant attachment, a child that is called dismissing. 

And again, it does make sense because it means if you have been an avoidant child, then you avoid intimacy, you, you devalue you know, attachment and connection. And then as an adult, you continue that. So you try to avoid close relationships, you're much more emphasizing accomplishment, achievement, the activities that you have, and therefore, again, you're less emotionally available. And again, there are ranges so you can have a dismissing where you're truly out of touch with feeling. So if somebody said, how are you feeling, you actually would not even know what they're asking and, and versus somebody who kind of touch with feelings, but just can't express them. So, again, very difficult for people that are dismissing to be vulnerable, to be emotionally available, but they can be very successful in their lives. So these are, you know, typically would be your workaholic, you know, highly successful in their job. But if you ask the people who are close to them, what they're like in those relationships that for you would hear, you know, he's not emotionally available, right? 

Laura: Why is that? Why, why would someone, why would an avoidant attachment style in childhood and a dismissive attachment style in adulthood? Why would that be protective or helpful for, you know, like what, why does that develop? 

Annette: Well, it, it typically develops if you have an avoidant attachment means you have parents that really are not emotionally available to you. So you end up shutting down your needs, your wants, your feelings because nobody is available to meet them. But you might come to believe, but if I'm really good at what I do, if I really become the perfect student, the perfect sports person, maybe that will bring some closeness to parents. So typically if you have those kind of narcissistic parents or parents who are also dismissing and overvalue achievement, that child will do anything. I mean, all of attachment is we do anything to get close. And that's how again, it's all in the service of getting both to parents, but it does mean you don't you're not in touch with and you don't value your own needs, your own, wants your own interests. So just repress all of that. 

Laura: Oh, I thought, you know, it's interesting as I'm hearing you describe these and I know we have one more to, to look at, but I'm just thinking about the listener, and I for me it's so much easier to see my parents in those to like not like notice my experience and I feel like it must be hard sometimes to see yourself to give that like kind of a, a self assessment. It's hard for us to be honest and aware and introspective on kind of what's going on for us. So maybe after you tell us about the kind of that last adult attachment style, maybe we can talk about how we can figure out for ourselves because it's so easy to look at other people and see their patterns, you know. But much harder for ourselves. 

Annette: Yeah. Okay. So the la the last one is on. Oh, go ahead. Sorry. 

Laura: I'll share you my own experience because when I was reading about adult attachment and, and how useful it would be to see clients. I read about myself and I was totally, I mean, I didn't in therapy, I've been a therapist and when I read about dismissing because that's kind of part of what I am I thought oh my God, that describes me. And I wish that I had known about that particular category or been able to understand myself from that lens because it turned out to be very helpful. 

Laura: Yeah.

Annette: So I actually think it's a very helpful and useful way of understanding.

Laura: Oh, me too 100%. 

Annette: Yeah. 

Laura: Okay. So the last category it for infants is disorganized attachment, right? So no clear strategy for how to bring a caregiver closer. What a what, how does that manifest in adulthood? 

Annette: So it's called unresolved in adulthood because typically it means you had traumatic experiences that never got resolved in your childhood, in your later childhood, in your adolescence. And so they're kind of still getting played out and you're right, people kids that have disorganized attachment, it means but there's no strategy that they developed to be able to get close to the parent because the parent was pretty frightening or unpredictable. So these are kids that just did not have an organized way of getting parents involved and that continued. But in adulthood really is that you see the world in relationships is pretty dangerous. So you might have a little more of an organized strategy. And that's really gonna partly depend on how you responded to the frightening experiences in childhood, how your brain responded, like, like freeze. Right? So, so by adulthood, you might have one of those that's a more organized strategy, but typically you're still pretty disorganized internally and that's how I was, all people would describe themselves if they just feel that disorganization internal. And so again, they have a really difficult time in relationships. They're triggered by all kinds of experiences that they never got resolved. So it is a really painful and difficult attachment category that.

Laura: Yeah, I know when I was before I went to grad school, I worked in a lab that in, in an attachment lab. And a it was in a, a marriage conflict research project, like a marital conflict research project, but they did strange situations with the families that were in the in the study. And so I got to code strange situations with older children with. And so it was a, a kind of an adapted protocol that mean put together. Anyway, so I there was one child who had a disorganized attachment in it and it was really just disconcerting to see her response to when she was left alone in the room, she had a freeze response and she just froze and stood like a statue the entire time and it was really sad and really hard to see and I can imagine that painful feeling within, within a person, that sense of that, of disorganized, not knowing what to do overwhelm could be really intense as an adult too. 

Annette: Well, absolutely. But as a parent, if you haven't, so attachment, it means you're going to pretty much repeat but having as a child, you don't have an organized way of being a parent either. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I feel, I feel like it makes complete sense to me that understanding these aspects for yourself would be really helpful in understanding kind of the default language that maybe comes out of our mouth. When we're in tricky moments with our kids and but before we get there, I would really love to know. So how can a parent, you know? So they heard themselves a little bit as we were talking here. But how could a parent go about figuring out their own adult attachment style so that they can understand, kind of where they're coming from and meet themselves with a little bit more grace and compassion and awareness

Annette: Yes, I'm glad you added that piece because what's really important in understanding adult attachment is it's truly a nonjudgmental way, understanding yourself. And that's the baseline. So it's really important that you don't do this critically even if you're in an insecure category. That you have to be kind to yourself. As you begin to understand, I have these, you know, limitations in the way I'm parenting and the way I'm being in a relationship.

Laura: So I, I'm so glad you brought like that you held that up to the light and I, I really appreciate it. My favorite phrase to use when we're talking about things like it, this is, and it makes sense. It makes sense that a person would have these strategies, given what they went through as children. It, these all of these things make really good sense. 

Annette: So that's exactly right. It makes sense. It's non judgmental and it's also important that you don't judge your own parents. 

Laura: Yes. Does that make sense too?

Annette: Got passed down to them. We wanna certainly break the generational, you know. 

Laura: Yeah, I mean, that's what so many of the our listeners are attempting to do. I call them my inflection point parents. They, they're the point in their family history where things are gonna change and that's what they're wanting to do. And so we can't do that without awareness. So if we're at that stage, we're looking to see okay, so what is my adult attachment style? How can they go about finding, finding out? 

Annette: So, I mean, the most accurate way is to have somebody do your adult attachment interview. So that's a structured questionnaire that somebody has to be trained to do it. And then it is scored and that when somebody offers you the feedback. Now, the limitations of that are that there are very few people trained to offer and score the adult attachment interview and it takes hours so it is expensive. Most people in public service, I mean, if you work for an agency, I don't imagine any agency is gonna give you hours and hours and hours to do this. If you're in private practice, you're not gonna be able to charge somebody hours and hours and hours of your time. So, if it is more limited, however, I think we started to use it more flexibly. So when I started doing this, I was sure that Mary name is going to come and find me and see me because I've been using it more flexibly. But I think, you know, since Dan Siegell and, and lots of other people have come to really say we have to be able to use this more use, you know, in a, in a more clinically useful way and in a more flexible way.

Laura: It can't just stay in the ivory tower of our literature, like, you know, in journals that the public can't access. And that's one of the primary reasons why I left academia because I was, I was, I wanted to be on the ground with parents. 

Annette: So it is a research tool and a very valuable one.

Laura:  Of course.

Annette: But I really like it to really help people want a therapist to use it, you know, more flexible clinically and I trained people to do it. So I train people, but I make it very clear what we're getting is an impression of one's adult attachment. This is not like this, you know, research that would be absolutely accurate. It is an impression. So that's certainly one way to learn about your adult attachment. And the other thing is really to look at the different categories and the behavioral descriptions. And to see which fits now, sometimes people don't fit into one category, but I tend to think that you would really identify with one particular category over another and you can have more than one. So you can have a primary and then you can have a secondary, maybe even tertiary. But typically we have one particular way of being in relationships that we use, you know, in our most intimate relationships so, and in our parenting. So in my first book, it's attachment, I certainly list, you know, the descriptions in a pretty, yeah, clear kind of way. So thats so people can really begin to see themselves in, in a particular category or not. I repeat that a little bit in this book. So, you know, again that I think.

Laura: Her first book was It’s Attachment and then her second book is Secure Parents, Secure Child. 

Annette: So that's, that's I think the best way for most people is to look at the behavioral descriptions of each category and see which kind of applies to you best, you know. And that, and makes sense to you. Again, it really is, makes sense. 

Laura: Yeah, I love that makes sense, little line.

Annette: And then you will see how it also makes sense in the way that you parent. And again, it is nonjudgmental. So I've got to keep emphasizing that. So, you know, even if you see yourself in a really insecure category, it's just a kind way of understanding yourself and it really will offer you ways to change. 

Laura: Okay. So I feel like we could go one of two ways right now, Annette. One is to go into the i the prospect of changing of becoming more secure within ourselves and having that be reflected in our parenting. And the other one is to kind of give some examples of what different parents look like in different scenarios. And I know you have tons of examples in your book. So we certainly don't want to give them all right now, you know, because it would just would take too much time. But I think a couple of examples would be really helpful. So maybe we'll go there first and then we can talk about how we can maybe move and shift into more secure interactions with our kids. 

Annette: Okay. So maybe we can look at the different categories, I'll kind of do a brief description of them and give you an example and then we'll, you know, then we'll look at how do you change that. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah, sounds good. 

Annette: So the first of course, is preoccupied attachment and, and as I was saying, that's where people really have poor ethic regulation, they're typically very dependent people. So again, their whole sense of self is based on relationships and they're hypersensitive to somebody not being available to them. So those patterns of that kind of neediness is really gonna be in your adult attachments. However, if you are really worried about where is my husband, my partner, why didn't he call me? You know, he said he would call me at noon and he didn't call me and you're just preoccupied with that, that's going round and round in your brain and what I call the limbic loop. So you're just thinking about that all the time getting angry or more resentful. Well, if you're really stuck in that loop, you are not available to your children. In fact, you become annoyed by your children because you're worried about your own needs, right? And preoccupied with that and your children pick up, of course, you're not consistently available to them because you're somewhere else in your brain. So they start, you know, mommy, mommy, they're gonna do what they need to do even cause some problems all in the service of getting you involved. 
Laura: Getting you closer, yeah. 

Annette: Very hard and you're gonna get angrier and angry kids because you're worried about something else. So that's that dynamic. And you have to learn to really somehow pull yourself out of that preoccupation and be available to your children. And it just helps if you know that. And again, in a really kind way that. I know I'm really worried about why, you know, my husband John haven't called me but. 

Laura: And that makes sense, but.

Annette: I have to pay attention to my kids because they're my priority. 

Laura: Yeah. Can I ask a question? Do you ever see parents engaging in preoccupied be behaviors with their own children feeling insecure about their parenting wanting reassurance. Am I a good mom? You know that, you know, am I, you know, do you like being my kid? You know, that that kind of preoccupation, like having it flow that direction? 

Annette: Right. So there is sort of different ways preoccupied parents, parent, one is that they're really inconsistently available and the other is they're over involved.

Laura: Over involved. 

Annette: Because when I say your whole sense of self is based on relationship, it's also based on   your relationship with your kids. So you need them to be, you know, successful actor, but it really is for their own need. So I had a case once where this parent was to the the AI was telling me that her mother was like really involved in all these school activities. She went to every game she would be on the bus, organizing trips to wherever her kid, you know, was in this in the league hockey league or whatever. And this woman said to me, all I wanted was for my mother to leave me alone and.

Laura: A little space.

Annette: Not come on this trip because what gave this mother a sense of self and meaning in life was her kids activities and she needed her kid to be successful and being busy in all these activities for her needs, not her kid. So that is an example of again of a preoccupied mother who really is too occupied, too involved in her kids activities to meet her own. So then I. 

Laura: Yeah, yeah. So such a good example. Can I provide a personal example of, of this and what this can look like when you are aware and you're bringing that awareness to kind of the in the moment interactions. So I I definitely identify with leaning, preoccupied in my own attachment style. I have to be aware of it a lot. I feel very secure in my my relationship with my partner, we've done a lot of beautiful therapy, a lot of healing has happened there which is really good. But with my kids, I, I just have to be aware of it. I'm just not getting sucked into that feedback loop. I had a very preoccupied dad. He was exactly like the parent that you were just describing. And so I have to be just really aware of those things. So I go to my, when I'm feeling a little insecure about my relationship with my children instead of turning to them, I turn to my partner and I, and I help, I explain, I'm feeling insecure. I know I can get that reassurance for myself, but I'd love some reassurance from you. Am I a good mom? So I go to an adult to get that reassurance me and that and then I also have to be really present with myself in moments where I'm witnessing  other feedback in relationships. 

So just as an example, my daughter is just turned 11, today is her birthday. And her class went on a camping trip and she asked me to be the shop at be a chaperone because she wanted me there at night. I slept in my own tent. That was the plan, but she wanted me at their night. But then she asked me, she goes, but mom, I want you to treat me like I'm one of the all other kids like you. I'm not your daughter that I'm just one of the other students. And that was of course heard from me. There was another mom there who I had has a sweet relationship with her daughter and they were cozied up by the fire, you know, it was really rainy, terrible camping trip. I mean, it was a good camping trip, but it was terrible weather. So they were cozied up by the fire and my daughter wanted nothing to do with that. And so I had to be very aware and very present with myself in the moment while that was happening of meeting her stated need for my presence and what I needed versus my own kind of inner like, anxious need to be close to her and kind of have that feedback about a relationship. Do you know what I'm saying? So, I mean, that's exactly what we're talking about here, right? 

Annette: We're talking about. That's exactly right. 

Laura: And it's not easy. It, it was hard, a lot of like little self conversations, you know, our my parent relationship does not have to look like other people, you just lots of self reassurance, you know, but. 

Annette: But, but what you described is a great example of your own awareness. Yes, I mean, so that's what's really crucial  changing how you are with your kids. So, one of the things that I talked about in this book is that you may not fully change your attachment category. Like that takes a lot of years of therapy. But if you have the awareness, then you can say I have to, you know, not get over involved in my kid. That's my need. Just like you're saying, you have that self examination and self awareness that in itself will help, just not transfer your attachment to your child. 

Laura: Yes, that's always been my hope. 

Annette: Yeah, it's a great example. 

Laura: Yeah, okay. Thank you. Oh, that feels good, to my anxious little heart. Okay. So we talked about preoccupied parents. What about dismissing parents? 

Annette: Yeah. So dismissing parents are quite the opposite. So they're truly unemotionally available. Emotions are not, you know, something they're comfortable with themselves and have a really difficult time expressing that with kids. So again, they're the parents that are going to really emphasize achievement in their kids. They're going to be what we call executive functioning, loving parents. So they're gonna be good at, you know, having a wonderful meal and making sure your kids are in activities and taking your kids to activities. It can be well dressed and, you know, all of those things that aren't.

Laura: Also outside markers. Yeah.

Annette: But they, but it's not like real emotional love and being there for your kid in an emotional way, but they can appear to be good parents, right? And so we hear about that oh wow she's just an amazing mother, you know, she, her kid brings the best lunches to school and.

Laura: She’s so together, she's put together, right? 

Annette: But then you ask the child who would you go to for emotional support? And it wouldn't be mommy and it might not be daddy, right? So and then again, these are parents that are going to emphasize achievement in their children so they need their children, either to be, you know, high academic achievers or just to be a certain way, so it isn't necessarily academic achievement, it is to be the good child, it is to be the pretty child, whatever that is. That's how that gets passed on, but they really, are not emotionally available kids will come to know that pretty early in life and won't go, to their parent when they're emotionally upset and vulnerable.   And again, they learn to repress that as well. So, you know, a great example of that is I also had a, a client that it was a, his daughter had been a really high achiever and then suddenly stopped initially going is like a skipping classes, not being with her peers so much to the point that she actually withdrew from school and didn't, wouldn't get out of bed. 

And when I met with his father, because the mother was really concerned and really trying to emotionally support her kids when I met with the father, I actually did an a on him. But even before I did that, it turned out he was like, really dismissing and always felt terrible because he tried to be again, the best kid of the highest achieving and he never made it to the best university where he was and always felt like a failure, even though he was highly successful. And he had passed this, these values and this belief his daughter had that the way she got daddy loved. But she had to be like at the best marks in school and she got a really poor mark in one course, course and that just started this downward spiral where she felt she was not good enough. She was not going to start failing   and began to just withdraw rather than be able to go to her father and say daddy, I did really badly and this mark, I'm feeling badly about it and he would have supported her and said, you know, sweetie just, you know, I'm bad mark. You need some help in that savage. Mm mm mm She felt she was underachieving and just started to give up and tire. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Annette: So it was very sad now it turned out to be a good outcome. But you know that   because his father actually cried when he began talking about that. And was devastated to think he was passing this on to his child when, when he wanted to, to really, he wanted to protect his child. 

Laura: Of course he did. 

Annette: Yeah. She didn't have that, you know, feeling of failure, but in fact, he had passed, you know, his own beliefs on to this kid. So that's just one example. So, you know, when you talk about yourself, so I tend to be dismissing attached and I had to really look at that too and not, pass out on, you know, to children, because, I mean, one of the reasons I'm highly successful and write books is because I'm just missing attached and I can withdraw from everybody and focus, you know, on the app and then make sure, you know, I write, you know, for hours and do well. And I have to sort of say, oh, oh, wait, oh, no, I have to start with it, you know, checking and checking with all my friends I have ignored, you know, for.

Laura: I mean, I, I think I, I, so enjoy that you brought that up though because these, these parts of ourselves have been helpful for many of us. You know, they are, they're there, you know, for it to serve a purpose to keep us safe, to help us feel like we can, you know, belong in a world that's hard to belong in that we can be worthy of love and connection. That's what they, those parts are all there for, to, to protect us, keep us safe. And then they just become maladaptive over time when we're trying to have really meaningful connections. 

Annette: They were meaningful at the time. They were our belief about how we connect to our parents. But eventually again, they are not helpful in our intimate relationship and in our lives and we just have to look at that. And again, we are all capable of changing. We have to work hard to do that, but the first step is have that awareness, right? So if you are aware that you are   you know, dismissing parent, then you have to really know the way you're gonna have to work at is getting more in touch with your own healings, allowing yourself your own vulnerability. So then you'll be able to allow that  in the relationship you have with your children. 

Laura: I, you know, so a lot of the parents that I work with one on one. And in my, I have a membership community, a lot of them understand the principles of respectful, you know, conscious, you know, healthy parenting and they find it incredibly hard to put into practice because it's not their default wiring. And so we spend a lot of time kind of getting curious about your defaults and doing that healing work. And I, I think that for some parents out there, they hear the like they hear, oh this, I shouldn't, you know, use time outs or punishments. This is how I should, you know, help my child learn, you know. And then they just put it into practice. I feel like those parents probably have secure attachment relationships and are, are kind of already there and just need a little nudge in the right direction and it's easy. 

And for those of us who, for whom it's hard. And, you know, so I I teach this every day. Right? But it's not easy for me, you know, there's other people who teach things and it seems like it's very easy for them, you know, to , to, they, they teach respectful parenting and they live it and it's easy. That isn't, that is not my truth. That is not my lived experience and I think it comes down to that we have these things kind of going on under the surface that where we are attempting to work counter to kind of our wiring that has been laid down in childhood. And so doing that work of starting to change your parenting, changing maybe your attachment style. Where can we start with that? After awareness? Okay or becoming aware, after awareness.

Annette: You really pointed that out because one of the concerns I have is that all of the parenting courses that are out there and you know, the concepts are great, but you know, this whole concept of being present for your children. That's a lovely concept. But if you're a preoccupied attached parent, it's like a setup because you're.

Laura: What the heck does that mean? 

Annette: You know what you can get it intellectually, but for your brain to be present, you know, when it is in that.

Laura: Yes, exactly. 

Annette: Occupied loops. It is impossible. If you don't understand at first, what you just have to do is accept that that's how your brain works. And you have to work really hard. Okay? Or you, I want to say to your partner, listen, what really will help me be available to our children is if you, when you say you're gonna call me that you really call me or that some signal that, you know, you're really thinking about me. That's all that I need to kind of calm down and then I can be more available to our children. Like, you know, once you sort of both, you understand that in a couple, then, you know, then you can work out things that help somebody be more available. But just to, you know, that concept, you have to be present for your children. It's true. 

Laura: I, so I so agree. That's why I made, I, I made a course called Parenting From Within. That is all about like figuring out how to have this come authentically from within you, so that you don't have to fake it because so many of so many folks are just out there faking it, they get the scripts from Instagram and they say it to their kids and it means nothing because they're just saying what they think they're supposed to say. And not, it's not really coming from a deeper self understanding.

Annette: Right. But even if you, you know, again, you have the self understanding, it certainly helps you change. It's not easy. Again, if you're dismissing no, you have to be more emotionally available to your child or you have to say, well, how are you feeling that you did it? I was in that course leading, right? Okay, okay. Come naturally. So, but again, you need to know it's hard for your brain not to say, well, you didn't do well in that course, right? And even if you do come out with that, you know, your instinctive way of, of responding, you can say, I'm sorry, sweetie, you know what? I know I was really harsh but you not, not helpful. So like you can always prepare like.

Laura: Yeah, I was, I was gonna ask if we can talk a little bit about repairing. Before we jump in there, I just wanna keep talking just for a second about kind of changing. So, I mean, I think one of the greatest ways you can be working on changing these things is to be working with a therapist, working with someone who can guide you and really dig into stuff and dig into these pieces. Are there other ways folks kind of you that you would recommend folks seek about going through the changing process? 

Annette: Well, so that's what I talk about in my book. So I think yes to do the deeper work would be the most helpful way for you to be a pick. But again, not everybody has the luxury and the whatever. So again, what I'm kind of saying in my book is that if you could figure out your adult attachment simply from a description and who knows to come out, you know, if you decide or come out, recognizing that you're preoccupied, you know, you have to work really hard to get yourself, regulate it, to really work hard to be present for your kids. It's not easy for you. But there are guidelines that you really can use to help you start to parent differently while you're either working on yourself ideally or you might not have that blood sugar, whatever. It doesn't mean you can't really work on changing or parenting habits, whatever, you know. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. 

Annette: So I, I really make, make that clear in the book because I think again, we don't wanna set people up to say, well, if you don't really do the deeper work, then you will.

Laura: No, yeah.

Annette: Your parents, well, you know.

Laura: I mean, i, it's, you know, it's interesting. So my mom is likely dismissive, obviously never done me and her. But it's, it's interesting that she did not, she did not start becoming really aware of that until I became a parent and started really working on myself and on my own relationship with her. My dad has been unwilling to kind of do that work with me, but my mom is willing to step into the arena with me and now she has this awareness of like, oh gosh, Laura, I just shut down your feelings, didn't I? You know, I mean, and it's just so lovely and I'm, I'm turning 40 this year. You know, she's in her seventies. It's never too late to start doing this work, you know. The relationship I have with her is ever deepening and, you know, just delightful and so much better than it was in my teens and twenties. You know. It was great then too. She's a wonderful mom but I feel much more seen and heard with her on a regular basis now. Oh my gosh, it's such, it's such a gift. Yes, she doesn't listen to the podcast, but she has given me permission to, to talk about it sometimes. So let's talk a little bit about repair, ruptures and repairs which, you know, are a part of all relationships, healthy ones, secure ones, you know, mi there's missed cues even for secure parents and should we miss their cues and need to repair?   So let's talk a little bit about rupture and repair. 

Annette: So listen, we all have ruptures with our children. When you, you know, discipline your kid, you get angry at your child because we're all normal humans. You know, it inevitably happens. There is a rift. So in, in that moment you're really angry your child, you don't feel love for them even, even though you know, people, they, well, I love my child. Of course, I love my child traditionally, but in that moment, you don't feel it and your child doesn't feel it, uh that's normal. What's really important is the repair. So again, what we know where kids have not had that experience of repair. So kids from orphanages, I mean, well, you know, because I worked a lot with the doctor, kids came from orphanage or just, you know, non healthy functioning families that repair doesn't have. So parent, you know, that is again a use of parent, you know, yells and screams or at their kid and then doesn't next day say I'm really sorry, sweetie. Kids that don't have that repair really feel pretty terrible inside. They often hold a lot of shame because they think they are bad kids, right? Because they did something and your parent created this rift that doesn't get impaired. So what is really important is the repair. 

So then that child knows, well, I did something I shouldn't be doing but it didn't rupture the love that I have with his parent. So then they learned something. No, I guess I shouldn't have pulled those wires out of, you know, the TV or whatever, right? So that's the idea. Again, there's a rupture when you're angry at your kids. It is a rupture. You always can repair that and you can repair it even the next day. Let's just say you're so angry at your kid. You just cannot go and say, okay, sweetie, I wanna talk about what happened. I know mom got really, really mad at you let's just say you're just so angry at your kids. You just are not able to do that for a long time. That's not the best scenario, but you can repair at any time. So the case that I was describing where this girl, you know, for a long period of time felt that her father was rejecting her because she did poorly in the mark like that got repaired months later. But this father really was able to say, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean, you know, to pass this on to you. So you feel really terrible because he just got it on work so we can do repairs. You know.

Laura: Especially as the kids get older. Right? So they're younger. It maybe needs to happen a little bit more quickly because they have shorter memories. But as they get older, you know, one of the things I have to do for myself as. Oh go ahead.

Annette: But, but do you want to repair a rift as soon as possible as soon as you can? Yes. Because what if you are an adult and you have an argument with your partner or your spouse, whatever if you kind of believe? Oh my God, that's the end of this relationship. It's because you probably didn't experience repair. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Annette: If you have, and you know, you have a conflict with your partner, spouse and you think, well, okay, we're just fighting about the dishwasher. We're fighting about this, you know, it's not the end of the relationship. It's not gonna harm the relationship, it is about a particular   item issue we're fighting about if you, you know, again that just because you experience in structure and repair as a child. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Annette: So, so very much impacts on us as outs. So that's why it's so important. 

Laura: It is, you know, I noticed for myself as a preoccupied person, I, I sometimes rush to repair with, especially with my kids because I'm seeking that reassurance from, from them. And so I have to be really aware and careful with myself around. Am I seeking to repair so that I feel better or am I seeking to repair because they're ready and available so that I can, you know, and it's for them and for our relationship. And so I have to be super, super aware and careful with myself on that piece to, to not rush it. Whereas my husband who tends to be a little bit more dismissing, he has to be aware that it needs to happen at all. You know, he sometimes is just not even aware that there was a rupture, you know, he has to be kind of noticing those things more, but it's good to be aware of those things. 

And what's nice about for my husband and I is that we're so aware of each other that we, we help each other too, you know. So sometimes you know, I've had a, you know, conflict with one of the kids. My husband will, you know, hold me back and say, I know you really want to go make up with them right now. They need a few minutes to calm down. Why don't you just come with me, sit with me, talk with me and he'll help me regulate myself so that when the kids are ready, then I'm ready to, they, you know, the repair is happening at their speed for them. You know, because really that's what it's for. It's for them. We're adults, we need to be able to handle our stuff. 

Annette: Absolutely. Exactly. Well, good. That's very good relationship. Right. Oh, gosh, I'm so, I'm so lucky. He's, he's definitely been willing to, again, do, do the work with me. We got married while I was in grad school though. So I was in grad school for, marriage and family therapy. So that was kind of a, when we got married. I was like, you do know that we will most likely go to therapy multiple times. 

Laura: Okay. Well, so Annette, I feel like this conversation was super helpful. I wonder, I just wanna make sure that, our listeners can know where to go to find your book or to find you and learn more from you. So the books, your first book is called Its Attachment. And the next one is Secure Parents, Secure Child. And they're, they're lovely, like small doable books too. You know, they're not like, it's like heavy tomes. You know, most parents I know have like, a stack of 20 books on their bedside table that they're supposed to be reading. These ones are small and practical and with really good, illustrative examples which are really nice, you know, to read. But where can they go to find? I mean, so they can find these books wherever they get books. Yes?

Annette: They can find these books on Amazon. You know, most bookstores, I think.

Laura: Like independent bookstores. We love supporting those.

Annette:  And certainly get them for you. But the Amazon is the just the easiest way or the publisher of the books is Guernica but it's Ontario Canadian publisher, but you can get it from them. But I think the easiest way is through Amazon. 

Laura: And do you have a website or social media where you teach or where they, people can learn more? 

Annette: Yeah. So it's Annette Kussin, there annettekussintherapy.com. 

Laura: Okay. 

Annette: And people can contact me directly at my, so my email address is on my website or it's akussin@bellnet.ca. So people have questions or, you know, just wanna get in touch with me. Now I offer lots of workshops but it's mainly to professionals. So that's I don't do it for parents yet. 

Laura: Let me know if you ever want to break into that scene. It's lots of fun. Parents are just the best. Oh, my God. I love getting to work with parents. They're just, I love them so much. 

Annette: And you know what I do want to emphasize that, that the whole intent of the books because I teach professionals a lot. And as I was been doing that so much, I thought, you know, I really want to also bring this to people and parents. So I really tried to make these books easy to read, practical, understandable. So that's been the whole intent is because these are self help books. 

Laura: Well, we really appreciate that. It's one of the ways that we can broaden access, you know, all parents deserve access to the support, they need to kind of meet their goals and their hopes for their kids and for their families. So thank you so much for that and for coming on this show and participating in that.

Annette: My pleasure, Laura. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate that.

Laura: Take good care.

Annette: You too.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 173: Why It's So Hard to Stay Organized and What To Do About It with Star Hansen

In this episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we will dive into the timeless struggle of maintaining organization as a parent and what to do about it. Joining me is Star Hansen, a Certified Professional Organizer (CPO©) and author of “Why The F Am I Still Not Organized?" We explore the unique challenges parents face and discuss empowering our kids to manage their time and belongings positively.

Here are some of the topics we covered in this episode:

  • Discover powerful strategies for teaching your child essential organizational skills

  • Uncover the reasons why kids often find it tough to stay organized

If you wish to connect with Star Hansen, follow her on Facebook @starhansen, Youtube @starhansen, Twitter @starhansen, Instagram @starhansen, TikTok @starhansen and her website starhansen.com.

If you're eager to dive deeper into Star Hansen's insights and grab a free copy of her book, head over to starhansen.com/podcast.

Resources:

  • Why The F Am I Still Not Organized? - A book to tackle clutter head-on and find lasting solutions


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent podcast, we are going to talk about organization and why it is so hard for us as parents to not only be organized for ourselves but also keep our kids organized and what we can do about it. So I'm bringing in a new guest, we haven't had her on the show before, but we were connecting before I hit record. And I'm really delighted and so excited. Her name is Star Hansen and she has a new book out called Why the F Am I Still Not Organized? And I think she's really going to help us get clear on, on how to not only help ourselves but help our kids learn how to manage their stuff and their time without shame, blame and guilt that has made this topic kind of heavy for folks in the past. So, Star, welcome to the show. I'm so excited to have you. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourself, like who you are and what you do? 

Star: Thank you so much, Laura. It's so great to be here with you today. So, yes, my name is Star Hansen. I'm a certified professional organizer and clutter whisper and I am here to help people understand why the why the f their clutter won't go away. And that's a really important conversation because I think, you know, we look at the world of organizing and its boxes and labels and books about getting organized and bins and the organizing industry is a $2 billion a year industry and growing. Now, if those boxes and bins were going to get you organized, that industry would be shrinking, not growing. So we have to look at the fact that there's something going on beyond the need for paring down or creating, you know, strategies for how to store your stuff. And that's what I do. I help you figure out why your clutter won't go away no matter what you've tried. Because my experience is that you are an incredible person who does a lot and you know, so much and why should clutter mean that there's a defect in you? It actually means that you have genius, untapped genius. And my job is to help you bring that to the light. Laura: Okay. Tell me more about that. What do you mean by that? Because I have lots of clutter. I have gone through, you know, the Marie Kondo, I've sparked joy and gotten rid of lots of stuff and then it just creeps back in what is up with that.

Star: Totally. So it's, it's common wisdom that it's, you know, I should be able to do this. It's so easy. Just follow A B and C and yes, but the problem is that if you don't understand the cause of your clutter, the root cause of your clutter, no system is going to work. And if you understand the root cause of your clutter any system will work whatever system you choose. And my job is to help you figure out how is clutter helping you. And that at first sound can sound like shocking if you're not watching her eyes just bulged out of her head when I said that. And so yours might be also. But it's in my experience and I've been organizing for 20 plus years. If you have recurring clutter, there is something that it is doing to help you. It's why it's staying. If we look at what clutter is clutter is really us having a conversation with ourselves non verbally. It's us having a conversation with our loved ones, non verbally. It's us processing and if we can start to really kind of dig in and figure out how it's helping us, what we can do is we can get that need met without the clutter and then the clutter isn't needed anymore and it falls away so much more easily. 

Laura: Okay, so Star, can you give me an example? What, like what are some of the ways that clutter serves folks that you work with? 

Star: Absolutely. So there's a few ways. So one is communicate. I, I did a TED X talk a couple of years ago about this couple whose kitchen was cluttered. And at the end of this big kitchen overhaul, we came across this broken teacup and that broken teacup was the crux of their clutter and it had been left out for over a year because the two of them were blaming each other for the teacup being broken. It was a significant cup for them. And you know, that's just one of the many ways we use clutter to communicate. You might use clutter to remind yourself of things. Like, for example, you might leave your weights out in the living room or your yoga mat and maybe you haven't used it, but it's your reminder for yourself or I don't want to forget to be this person. We also use it to create, like some people surround themselves with stuff because they feel inspired and creative and even empowered because some people grew up in poverty and, you know, had a lot of scarcity in their lives. And then when they become an adult, and if we just look at the trajectory of consumerism in the last 20 years, you can be in poverty and still have, have a lot of clutter. 

So it's, you know, things are cheaper than ever easier to source. And so now we have, you know, a lot of stuff and people can surround themselves with stuff and that can make them feel safe and secure. And if you understand that you're using clutter to create a feeling of safety and we can discover how to create that safety or security without the stuff that's helpful for some people. Clutter is their friend. If you grew up in a military household and you traveled the world and people were not consistent. Your stuff was probably your one constant and you've learned that that's becomes your, your friend, your cuddle buddy. For some people, they use it to protect themselves. They'll use it to set boundaries. Keep people away, keep people out of their homes, create space within pe, you know, within their household. I've even seen people use it as a way to deflect or, you know, act as a, an actual wall. I have one mother that I work with and if there's ever anything she doesn't want her kids to get into, there is a giant pile of clutter in front of it because that acts as a deterrent for her kids to find the things that she's trying to hide. So it's, it's, it's fascinating to see how people use clutter and, and this is just a couple of examples. I could, we could spend 12 hours talking about that today. It's just super fascinating. 

Laura: Yeah, that is fascinating. You know, it's interesting. So I've always attributed some of my clutter stuff to my ADHD which has gone undiagnosed my entire life. And I kind of really just figuring it out right now. I got diagnosed last winter. I've always been really good at creating systems to keep myself organized in other areas of my home. So, like my kids playroom, super organized, every single toy has a home, it goes in the home, the kids know how to put it all away. Same with the kitchen, same with all these kind of public areas. But in my domain, if you could see right now the other sides of, I mean, I have a beautiful background but if you could see, I have piles of, you know, so, like I do water, watercolor painting and other art as a form of relaxation. I've just piles of art next to my knee because I do, I take five minutes here and there to do a little bit of painting or a little bit of coloring or I have just stacks of books like yours, you know, to, to read because they give me inspiration and I really like that reframe that those things are not necessarily cluttered. They're expressing a need of mine to be creative or to be inspired. Thank you for that reframe. 

Star: Oh, of course. And also I'd even venture to say it's also you inserting yourself in your life as a mother. Most moms I know you think about yourself last, absolute last. And so you kind of have to like get in where you fit in, right? It's like, okay, I have no time. Where do I find? Where do I place myself in this world? And oftentimes if you look at your kids stuff, it's so curated and your family stuff is so curated because you require that to function. And of course, you put your family first and so strongly and we put ourselves last.

Laura: Oh, you're making me tear up. You know, I've, I love to do arts and I don't get to do it very often mostly because it's tucked away in my office. And I feel like I can't be, leave it out in my spaces because those spaces are for other people, not necessarily for me. And I think about too, you know, so I have play is hugely important as a value for my family. And so our, a large portion of our house is dedicated to, to their play spaces. And I think about when they're done playing what I'll get to do with those spaces instead of being tucked into corners. But I think that you're really speaking to something that, that idea that there's one of the reasons why it's hard to keep my office organized is because I'm trying to fit a whole life into one little place instead of being seen and present in my whole house. 

Star: Yeah. And what happens a lot of times for moms is, you know, when your kids were younger, your kids are now at an age where they can manage themselves a little bit more. You're not worried about, you know, them drawing on the walls with crayons at the moment, you know, or ripping up maybe. Well.

Laura:  I'm just joking.

Star: Totally. But it's, you know, there was a very long time where your body was theirs, where the home was totally devoted to them. And it was about their safety and then it was about their exploration. And oftentimes we're moving so fast that we don't take the time to recalibrate and say, okay, can I re invent how I show up in the house? Because it's not just that you are shoved into one room, you are also teaching them to shove themselves into a room, you're teaching them because role modeling is the first thing that happens like whether we mean it to or not. So they see you and they're like, oh, when I'm a mom, I take care of everyone else and I put myself in a corner. And what if you got one of those rolling carts from Target or Michael's and, or IKEA and you filled that with, with art supplies and you just rolled it around the house wherever you wanted to work and you started showing up because it's exactly what you said. It's like we're waiting for some future day to start to live our life. And the best thing you can do is start to live your life today and not wait for the kids to launch. 

And because, you know, this is a challenge in this day and age. But, but you know, like, why do you have to wait to embody yourself, to embody your life and you teach them to take up space. And I think as women in our society, that's something that's really difficult. We've been conditioned to turn within to be really small, to be of service, to serve and not take up space. And yet the power your power lies in you, like fully standing in your power and your kids fully standing in their power and your partner standing in their power. And like imagine the four of you like beacons in your home, like just the magic of that. And I just want to like throw in there also. Congratulations on your diagnosis because most people view that as like, oh I got diagnosed. But the truth is it's a relief for a lot of people who are right. It's okay. I'm not behind my brain as a superpower. Like your brain with ADHD is a superpower. You are genius in unexpected ways. 

But most people that I know who had late, late diagnoses have spent the bulk of their life thinking that they're behind. Why can't I perform like everyone else? Why am I not keeping the house the way that someone else does? Because your brain is a supercomputer. Most of the organizing systems that are out there are not built for how your beautiful brain works. They're actually too small, they're too little. And with the  ADHD brain, your brain has the ability to do such complexity. And if your systems don't have the right level of complexity for how you think the systems are not going to work. And so again, it's this lesson of like embodiment and expansion. Like how much room can you take up? Because you deserve to take up room and your brain requires more space than just a simple. Does this go into, you know, keep or toss keep or toss. It's, you have so many more layers. 

Laura: Yeah. Oh I really like that. Okay, so one of the things that I've been noticing in my family and this is, I mean, one of the benefits of getting to have your own podcast where you have experts got money, you get to ask them questions for your own family. I, you know, I've seen echoes of this exact thing happening in my kids' rooms where they, they have their special hobbies and interests and sometimes they like, bleed out into the house. But oftentimes they do their special stuff that they're kind of their safety, their self care in their rooms for one kid that's reading and the other kid that's drawing or playing with these little figurines that she has her with dolls. And so for one kid, it's a stuffy explosion in her room more than we can ever hope to store. You know, all these little like doll things that don't have a home and the other one is just piles and piles of books with an completely empty bookshelf, like the books come off, they get read and put in a pile and not back on the bookshelf. 

So what can I do as a mom to help my kids? Because I don't want to be, I don't want to be in there in their space that they have ownership bugging them, nagging them. I periodically go in if they ask me to and help them get reorganized. But the systems that I put in place make sense for me. And I think that they don't maintain them because those systems don't make sense for them. You know, I've managed, you know, when I'm doing their playroom, I, I sit down with them or they're playing usually and I'm doing it, but I asked them if you're going to go play with this, where would you go and look for it? You know, and then I put the things there where they say. You know, but I don't know how to do that in their rooms and their tolerance for doing it in their rooms is really low because it's their private space and they feel like I'm like getting in there and controlling things and they don't want me to do that. So what can I do? 

Star: No, you're doing it. Great job. I mean, the questions that you're asking, how would you use this? That's a great question. Like, how would you use this? Where would you link to look for this? It's so often people are focused in organizing about putting things away, not the retrieval and your system should be based on retrieval, not necessarily making it pretty. 

Laura: See, I didn't even know I was doing that. But that's what my ADHD has made me do.

Star: Super genius. Like, super genius. Well, one of the things let me lead with the, don'ts. So like, don't tell your kids to clean their room in some blanket statement if they've never learned how to clean their room. Right. That's, it's so stressful for kids and it's, and I'm not saying that you're doing this. But I think just in general, I have so many memories from my childhood of being told to like clean my room, but I don't have any memories of being taught how to clean my room. So when it comes to kids, we really have to do two things. One, we have to impart that wisdom on them, which is how to do it. Most of us were never taught how to organize or clean and we just expect them to do it because they've watched us and role modeling is big. But so that's a big part of it. The second part of it is we have to meet them where they are. So every kid is different. I've had kids, I've had siblings where one of them needs three categories for the items in their room. One of them needs 13 categories for the items in their room. And we want to meet them where they are. And I think it's tricky because we want to remove ourselves from the, the desire for the outcome to be the star of the show, the outcome is not the star of the show.

Their room being cleaned is not important when they are under your roof as a, you know, as your child, they are learning how to do the world. They are learning the skills that they need to launch. And so what we need to do is we need to be able to show up for them and with them and say, let's create a bedroom that feels great for you. We're not cleaning up your room, we're not organizing your room. Does this feel great to you? Do you like? So the one, you know, your daughter who has the book stacked all over? What if she loves that? And then what if instead of trying to use that bookshelf, you get rid of the bookshelf and instead you do intricate creative fun stacks around her room and it gives her that feeling of being, I mean, and maybe there's stacks that are on shelves on the wall from everywhere, from like knee height all the way to the top of her head and she's surrounded with interesting configurations of books. 

Laura: What's fascinating to think about, you know, we were in Vienna for spring break last year and we went into this bookshop that was this old tiny bookshop with just like tunnels of books and she was in heaven. You know, she was just, I mean, she thought it was the most amazing, like it was the only place that she really wanted me to take pictures of her in it. 

Star: And it's so interesting because when books are on the shelves, they feel like they're demonstrative. I'm here. Look at me, don't touch me. When books are stacked. It's like, oh, your mind, like an invitation. You can have all different styles. You could have reading, you know, trays, set up those cute little like nooks that they have now where you can, like lean a book over it, but you can just set up the whole room where the whole theme would be. I mean, get rid of the bookshelves and switch the style and see what she thinks. And what will, what's interesting is she'll probably think you're redecorating her room and what you're doing is is allowing her more access to the things that she loves the most and teaching her. So like obviously what we're, what she's going to be learning in that scenario is the floor has to be able to be cleaned. So we need to not have books stacked on the floor because I can't clean when there's stuff there. It makes because that's a long life lesson. We need to be able to clean the space and we need to be able to walk through our spaces without injury. We need if there's an earthquake or something and someone's in a rush that we're not gonna trip and break something. So we want like safety to be there, but we also want their imagination and their creativity to be present and to say yes, like something about her system is working and what you're saying is yes and yes. 

And let's take it to the next level, let's play. And then what we also have to do is this is not a one and done. Like, right now she's obsessed with books and in six months or five years, she might be obsessed with something else. And if her room still looks the same as it does today, it's going to feel like an incongruity. And so maybe once a year when you all have a little time in the summer or in the winter, then you reimagine like, okay, great let's see how do you want to evolve your room? And then it doesn't feel like, oh, I have to clean and I'm in trouble and I'm doing it wrong, but it feels like let's evolve the room to evolve with you. Does this still feel good? What do you want different? How does this go? And then you can also, you know, open up the kids to see the different layers. So you get a lot of kids in their teens and twenties who instantly want to purge everything. I don't need that anymore. I don't want it anymore. No. Thank you. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. And then you talk to them at 26, 27. I regret getting rid of that stuff. Because they didn't know that they could create a memory box for items. It doesn't have to be out. They can be in a memory box that they take with them when they move into their own place. But we want to start, like, teaching them the different layers of engagement with their stuff. What's decoration? What's memorabilia? What's active functional stuff? What is for the future someday stuff? What gets rid of, you know, it's like this is like a wonderful experience to learn with them. 

Laura: Hm, I love that. My, my mom gave my sister and I each a, a hope chest when we were, when we turned, I think 12 is when we got, got it for just that purpose to start kind of putting away some things from childhood. And, you know, we both took it with us when we bought our first homes, finally took longer than I think my mom was expecting it to take effort. 

Star: But it always does. 

Laura: It always does. But I really like that idea. I like that idea of, you know, kind of asking the child, how do you want to feel in this space? What purpose do you want the space to serve? What do you like to do in here? And kind of really understanding how they're using the space? Okay, so what about the kiddos with the tons of stuffies all over the place? Because I know lots of our listeners have stuffy explosions in their room too.

Star: Yes, I know. And there's a real attraction or connection to the stuffies. Like I have a name and yes, and they know where they belong and what they do. So, I have clients who are in their sixties who won't get rid of their stuffies. And not only that, but they need their stuffies if they go in a plastic bin to be facing out because they don't want their stuffies to be shoved in a box. They want them to feel like they're an active, engaged part of the world. So it's, it's very normal to anthropomorphize objects in our lives. This is, we all have done it and many of us still do it. I definitely do it and when it comes to the stuffy, so I feel like it's, it's the exact same thing. Tell me about your stuffies, like, tell me about, do you want them all in your bed or who gets a space in your bed? Do you want the rest of them, like on a really high shelf along the perimeter of the room looking out for you? Do you want to hide stuffies in different places so that they're infusing the room with their stuffy energy? Like again, like it's like, how do we approach it as a play is a play game? And one of the things that as parents, it's sometimes very hard to do because we're so busy and there's so much going on is we really have to take the time. We have to invest our time in playing with them and exploring with them. The idea of clean your room if I could eliminate anything from the conversation. Yeah, I would be like, just eliminate the statement, go clean your room because that it so does nothing. And at a certain point, they will be able to go clean their room. But most of the time we have not given them that foundation. 

Laura: No. And even if, I mean, just, I also really dislike that phrase because it's super unspecific. Like, I mean, it's so important to give kids really crystal clear expectations and cleaning your room is a complicated endeavor. You know, there's lots of steps that go in it. Lots of people have different ideas about what clean your room means. So yes, I, I always inform parents being more specific on what our expectations actually are and then setting the kids up for success. So they actually know how to do those things. Oh, go ahead. Sorry. 

Star: I was just gonna say, yeah, I know tracking the routines, like the difference between the one off cleanups, right? Like you vacuuming once a week is different than every, every morning, making their bed or every night re reassigning where stuff he's got like, like baselining the room. So it's, yeah, you're right. It's like exactly like how do we give them the small bite size tasks that they can accomplish and feel good about accomplishing. 

Laura: Okay. So what are the steps of clean for a kid of cleaning their room? Like what is, how do you clean your room when you're a kid? 

Star: Yeah, I mean, so the first thing and the most important thing is they have to have a baseline. And what I mean by baseline is a state where everything is in a home. So if you have never, if you and most of us when we move, we just land and we're like good enough and we just like barely unpack our boxes where like it landed. But you want to really make sure that there has been an initial organizing, that's happened that every object has a home. And I'm just going to name I am talking about a very idealistic world right now. My beautiful listeners because I understand that's not always the case and many times we haven't had that, but imagine there's no foundation for your kids to build a house on every time you say clean your room, you're asking them to construct a house. But if there is no proper foundation, it's very hard for them to do it. I think about when I go into someone's house and I want to help them unload their dishwasher, but I have no idea where their bowls go. I end up acting like a Roomba like this way, this way, like, you know, so we, we want to offer them like the stability of like okay, great, this is everything has a home and there's a clear idea of where we're going. 

Laura: And even I just want to like, can I interject you, please? Even if that home is something that does not look perfect for Instagram? Right? So like home for your child's clean clothes could be a laundry basket that they just stay in and pull clean clothes out of like it could be that, you know, so there's lots of possibilities of what home looks like.

Star: The other. Yeah. And like I just want to say the other thing I'd like to just like, remove from our vocabulary is like, or the concept of this world is like the idea that like a Pinterest completed Instagram completed version is what it's supposed to be like. That's absolutely not what it's supposed to be like, you're like, we need to, yeah, you're not. It's like, like we need functional. I'm always very leery. You'll never see anywhere on my website or IG or anything before and after picture. My after picture is you living your best life, spending time with your family. That it's like, I don't care what your house looks like. I care that it's not hurting you, but it's more about like, how do you set it up so that it's functional for you not so it's pretty for someone who is never going to step inside your house. That's our values are just a little skewed at the moment with this external demonstration of style, like this demonstrative world we're in. But yeah, like setting it up. 

So it's like, okay, great and knowing again the systems just like you so beautifully explained earlier, it's how are you going to find things when you need them? And is it easy to put them away? Not how do you put it away in a beautiful way. But so you want first and foremost to have everything has a home and then secondarily, it's like, okay, when I think of it, if you tell me, go clean your room, I'm picturing I'm dusty cleaning the windows with, you know, glass cleaner vacuuming. But a kid you're talking tidying, you're basically saying, put everything that's out and where it doesn't belong away where it belongs. You're not probably asking them to dust into their windows and baseboards, right? So like, and kind of explaining that and maybe there's even a, a reframe there of like, okay, let's go tidy your room and I call this a lot of times with clients baselining. I want to take things back down to zero. I want everything to go back to where it goes. Like take every like let's put everything in its home so that they know.

Laura: That’s what I say. I want you to go to your room and make sure everything's in its home.

Star: Totally. And that makes perfect sense. Make your bed, make sure everything's on its home, clear up your desk, put things back in your backpack, prep for the week ahead, lay out an outfit for school like whatever it is. Yes. The more specific we can be the better and really taking the time to reward the effort not the outcome. If you know, depending on the age, like a lot of times we don't let our kids clean or tidy up because they're not going to quote unquote do enough compared to what we would want to do. Reward them for being a part of the family and doing it. Like have it be that okay, everyone for the next 20 minutes, everyone's going to tidy their room and then the whole family goes, not just the kids, but the whole family goes and then maybe you do show and tell. Oh wow, look at mom. You did this. Okay. Great. What I really love about your room being done is this and you know, it's like you really can start to play with and see what they've done well. And then they feel like they're part of a community and they're being rewarded for doing it, not for doing it perfectly or doing it just right because everyone's version of done looks so different and we need to start normalizing, embracing whatever that is for each individual. 

Laura: Yeah, I love that. I really like the idea that, you know, a family is a community and we all pitch in. We all have, you know, important jobs to and contributions to make, I really like that a lot. 

Star: Well, and, you know, it's funny, like, so I don't know about you, but no one has paid me for making my bed as an adult. Not a single time. So, like, there's such danger in, like, teaching kids that, like, they should do these activities that are just day to day hygiene because they'll get paid or a reward. 

Laura: I so agree. 

Star: And I, right, like, it's like, no me for doing my dishes, although it probably wouldn't make me want to do my dishes anymore. But, but, like, just, and then knowing, like, some of my favorite times growing up or when we were cleaning the house as a family or doing dishes with all of my cousins, like, and then they learn, like, I learn that I do dishes better if I'm playing music and talking to someone that I love, like, that becomes like a cheat that I used to make me want to do the dishes when I don't want to do it. 

Laura: Yes. Oh, I love those things too. I think it's so important that we recognize that we're modeling how to be adults. Right? And that if we can figure out how to make it fun and enjoyable and not grumble the entire time while we're, like, putting away their toys and stuff, then that would make it easier for them to also have a positive attitude about the kind of sometimes not great things that come with being human. 

Star: And the idea of leaning into the good enough, you know, I know you talk a lot about perfect imperfection like that's a concept I love in my own life. It's what's your good enough version? Hey guys, we have 10 minutes. Do the best. Good enough version you've got in you and that will teach them not every time has to be Instagram movie. 

Laura: Yeah, I really like that. Okay. Star, this has been really a fun conversation and super helpful. I'm wondering if you can just make sure that all of our listeners can know how to find you, where to find you and connect with you and learn from you. 

Star: Absolutely. So I'm everywhere, I'm everywhere. You can find me at on, on all the major platforms @StarHansen. But if I also wanted to offer your listeners a gift, so a free download of my book, if they want to get a free copy of my book, it's available on Amazon and audible and all the normal places. But if they go to starhansen.com/podcast, and that’s HANSEN.com/podcast, they can download a free copy of my book and learn all the, all the wonderful juicy details for how they can get out of that, you know, chaos cycle with their clutter. 

Laura: Oh, awesome. Sorry. Thank you so much. What a gift. I really appreciate your time and your wisdom. It was really fun talking with you. 

Star: Thank you. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 172: Mindful Parenting During the Holidays: Staying Present and Enjoying the Moment

Welcome to another episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast. This episode holds a special place as it's our last one before a brief holiday break, and I'll be back to connect with you in 2024. As we approach the holiday season, I wanted to share some thoughts on how to stay present and enjoy the moment in mindful parenting during this festive time. 

Here are some key takeaways:

  • Mindful parenting and its key components 

  • Sharing my simple, daily activities that keep me present and joyful

  • Holiday-specific practices to cultivate mindfulness

I hope these practices bring you peace, magic, and joy during the holidays. May you savor the moments and create memories that last a lifetime. As we wrap up this episode, I want to express my gratitude for being part of The Balanced Parent Podcast community. We'll be taking a break for the holidays, but I'm sending you warm wishes for a mindful, joyful holiday season and a fantastic New Year. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with me, and let's make 2024 a year of balance and presence.


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello everybody. This is Dr. Laura Froyen. And this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast is our last one before we take a small break for the holidays. So after this episode, I will see you in the New Year in 2024. And I wanted to leave you this week with just a quick episode on how you can bring more mindfulness and presence into your holidays and how that can increase your enjoyment and decrease your stress. As I'm recording this, we are approaching Hanukkah. You'll be listening to this in the midst of Hanukkah and Christmas will be approaching solstice and a variety of other winter holidays are looming on the horizon for so many parents around the world. And I know, oh, believe me, I know how much pressure is on us as parents. We moms especially carry the load of creating magic and delight and joy for our families. And I want to hopefully have a minute before we kind of get into the meat of this episode to just relieve you of some of that burden. It's an unfair burden. It's unfair to expect us as parents to create out of thin air, the sense of joy and magic. It's really, sometimes I think that this idea is driven by a lot of consumerism and capitalism. And ultimately, it's not rooted in the truth of children and childhood. Children are naturally inclined to find magic joy and wonder to engage in the process of awe very, very naturally. They do not need very much to get there. And so we'll talk a little bit about how your mindful presence can actually amp up their experience of being in the present moment, their experience of wonder, joy, awe, and magic. 

We'll talk about that, but really, I just want you to know that these are not things you need to do. I'm not going to be adding anything to your, to do list or anything to your shopping list. I actually think kids need far less than what they're inundated with in order to experience that joy and magic. And the other piece that I want for you is to know that you are worthy of that sense of peace and magic and joy and wonder and delight as well. And that you actually learning how to experience that for yourself, how to be with that for yourself in the present moment will enhance the experience of those around you. And even if it didn't, you're worthy of it just in and of yourself. Before I sat down to record this message. I was enjoying a cup of tea. I don't know, it's like the winter blend that Trader Joe's puts out at this time of year. I only buy one box when it's gone. It's gone. It creates a little bit of kind of specialness and ceremony to it. And I was just sitting there in my house alone. The kids are at school savoring that and thinking about how often we as moms, dads too, don't allow ourselves the gift of just sitting in a moment, engaging with our senses and drawing pleasure out of it, drawing enjoyment, drawing delight out of it. I was feeling the warmth of the, of the mug in my hands, smelling it. You know, it was a complete sensory delight to engage in drinking this tea. It didn't take a long time, you know, really 60 seconds is all I needed to really kind of savor it and be in it before I came in here to record this episode for you. And so I think bringing that spirit that we get to have pleasure and delight and wonder and joy in our holiday season can relieve some of that burden. 

Finding ways to incorporate that I think is so so important. And in doing so, our kids will join us in that. So if our kids see us having a moment in front of, you know, the Christmas tree or in front of the fire where we drop into the present moment, our phones are away and we're really just reveling in the beauty that we've maybe helped create in our home or the coziness of a soft blanket, they will join us, they will be drawn to that. And those are the things that create that sense of magic, wonder and delight for our kids. Not big activities, not big objects, big shopping lists, you know, big things. It's, it's about those moments with each other that are so important. I think it's also really important to know that the act of engaging in mindfulness practices is just good for our nervous systems. So we know this, we also know that it's hard to, you know, parents always tell me that they just don't have time to meditate or they can't find their way into it. So I'm not even talking about meditation. I'm we are talking about mindfulness. So let's talk for a second before we dive into some specific things you can do this holiday season to be more fully present. 

What is mindfulness in general? What are the benefits and then how to bring it into your your holiday this year. So the key components of mindfulness are present moment awareness. So this is about being fully present in the current moment, paying attention to one's thoughts, feeling sensations and the surrounding environment, nonjudgmental awareness. So, mindfulness encourages a curious, open and noncritical mindset. As you observe thoughts, motion, sensa sensations that roll through your body. So rather than judging those experiences as good or bad mindfulness is really about accepting them as they are. Another aspect of mindfulness that's important is focused attention. Often, mindfulness practices involve directing your attention to one specific element of your environment or your current being. Breathwork is kind of the easiest to access because you have your breath everywhere, it can be a home for you to go to and we will talk about a few other ways to practice mindfulness during the holidays beyond breathwork. Another aspect of mindfulness that's really important is acceptance. Mindfulness involves accepting the reality of the present moment, including any challenges or discomfort or stressors. And as we know, as we move into the holiday seasons, those can be plentiful. In addition to the joy and fun, the stress is coming right along with it. And so mindfulness is about accepting the reality, the lived experience that you are in the midst of. And about it's, it's really, this acceptance is really key to cultivating a non reactive and a kind of a non struggling attitude when we are resistant to what's happening if we are laden with the shoulds of how things something should be going, how our kids should be acting, what our house should look like, what our food should be like. We are stuck in that resistance and it causes pain and suffering. And so acceptance is, is not about like laying down and being a doormat or, you know, giving up, but it's about noticing what is and approaching what is, how it actually is in the moment with peace and awareness without the desire to change it in that moment. You can have the desire to change it later, but in the moment when we're noticing, we're just accepting it as is. And then the last piece that I wanted to touch on is intentionality. 

So, mindfulness is a deliberate and intentional practice. It involves making a conscious choice to bring attention to the present moment and to do so regularly. And again, when we're, we're thinking about mindfulness, you don't have to be perfectly mindful. The the reality is is that your attention will wander, it will move to other things, it will move to your to do list, it will move to your inner narrative. It will, you know, the voices will start chattering in your head. You, you know, you will be distracted and mindfulness is not about achieving some perfect state of not being distracted. It's about exercising that muscle of returning attention intentionally choosing to let go of the distraction, say, you know, you can come back to it later and coming back into the present moment and that muscle exercising that muscle has huge benefits, especially for parents. So there's lots of research on the use of mindfulness practices to reduce stress, to increase patience, to enhance our ability, to attend and focus on the things that matter to us. But for parents and especially mindfulness can help you increase your ability to stay emotionally regulated. It can help you not get caught up in the stories, the narratives that perhaps are coming from your past and pulling you out of the present moment with your kids or kind of whatever is happening in the moment. And so by exercising that muscle outside of the moment, you increase your capacity and your access to that ability in the moment. That's why self emotional regulation is increased. You're able to be in better, more conscious communication patterns when you are well regulated and when you've practiced this outside of the moment, because you're able to stay kind of in the here and now and the words you choose are can be more, you can be more actively intentional in the words that you choose to say to a partner or to your children or to other loved ones. And they will be coming from a place that's grounded in the present as opposed to the past or worries about the future. Practicing mindfulness can also really increase the resilience that you have as a parent, your capacity to handle the ups and downs and those stressors. So it might not necessarily change the amount of stressors in your life, but it can improve your capacity. And it's also a really great way to model healthy, a healthy self relationship. So we'll be talking soon about some specific practices you can do during the holiday to to bring some mindfulness in. But these are lovely things to, to be modeling for your kids. 

And finally, the last two that I wanted to just make sure I mention is that mindfulness practices can actually really increase your felt sense of an enjoyment and connection in parenting. So parents who regularly practice mindfulness, practice dropping into that present moment, allowing themselves to become fully aware of what they're experiencing in the good times and in the hard times express deeper, more authentic connections with their children and with their partners and tend to enjoy their lives more. I don't know about you, but I did not. Well, gosh, you know, when I became a parent, I had, I had no idea what I was in for. I don't know that any of us really do. I was not expecting it to be as difficult for me as it has been. I've faced plenty of challenges over the years of my, you know, my 11.5 years of parenting. And I will say the times where I am more distracted, more resistance to what's going on. More likely to slip into numbing behaviors, the numbing of social media or technology, food. Those are the times when I'm least happy in my, in my actual parenting versus the times where I am actively pursuing, being in the present moment with my family. Tho those periods of my life are the ones that I look back on with my kids with the most joy. And that's really what I thought parenting was going to look like. And of course, you know, it can all be positive, right? We have to have the ups and downs of life. That's just the reality of being a human. There will be ups and downs and thank goodness that there are that we get the the awesome gift of being full humans able to experience the full range of human emotion. That's wonderful. And I, I just know for me personally that when I'm making a concerted and intentional effort, things are so much better for my own experience in parenting and I think that they're better for my kids too. I definitely have more patience. I'm less snappish. I'm able to be my best self. 

So I wanted to share some of the things that I love to do. Things that are really easy for me. They, you know, they might not be easy for you and that's totally okay. But these are some of the things that I find are easy to weave into the fabric of my day and that really helped me stay present. Okay, so first is just a breathing exercise. I like to do box breathing. Sometimes it's called four wall breathing. But I also really love 478 breathing. So box breathing or four wall breathing is taking a breath in for four, holding it for four, breathing out for four, holding it for four. So that's something that's easy and accessible and it's right there. I like doing that at transition times. So maybe like the start of my shower in the morning or as I my body wakes up in bed in the morning. That's something that I will sometimes share with my kiddos. But 478 breathing is similar, but it's really good at getting kind of all of the the oxygen out of your body and helping kind of reset some of your breathing patterns. So it's really good for reducing anxiety, really good for reducing stress. It's evidence based. So it involves breathing in for four seconds, hopefully through your nose if you can, holding the breath for seven seconds and then exhaling slowly through the mouth or the nose. It doesn't, I don't think it matters for eight seconds. And it can really help get to you, get you to sleep. So I use that one when I am attempting to fall asleep. So just focusing in on the breath and I also use that one during high stress times. So if I for example, know someone who kind of activates me or triggers me is going to be coming over, like a loved one who I find challenging to be around. I will do some of that breathing while they are walking to the door. Or I will excuse myself and have some of those that breathing so that the 478 breathing that was recommended by my doctor who has been helping me get through my adrenal fatigue. And it's been wonderful for me. So yes, 478 breathing, you can do a Google too if you want some more information on that one. 

I also love to do body scans as I'm waking up and falling asleep, kind of coming back into my body. So a body scan is starting at your toes and gradually working your way up, paying attention to each part of your body, noticing any sensations or areas of tension and then consciously releasing tension as you go. I mean, you can also do it with an intentional kind of muscle activation and then release that can help release tension in your muscles. As a trauma survivor, I found body scans very difficult and challenging for a long time. I needed to do them, supported with a body worker or a breath work coach while I was learning to do them to feel safe. So, if you don't always feel safe in your body and those that can be challenging. So do that with care for yourself and allow yourself to, to pass on that one if it doesn't feel good. I've spent a lot of time and work with my various therapists to help my body feel like a safe space after traumas. And so now it feels good, but it didn't always. And that took work with professionals to get there. So again, be compassionate with yourself, take the low hanging fruit, do what's easy this time period during the holidays is not the time to take on a new practice that's really challenging. Okay, so I'm offering you some options. There's lots of other options out there, find ones that are easy for you. But that is one that for lots of people, it is quite easy and accessible. Both of my kids like to do that when they're having trouble sleeping. 

I also really love mindful walking. So having a date with nature where you are, you're not using headphones, you're fully present in your body as you walk. Your goal for mindful walking should not be to elevate the heart rate or get your exercise in. It's about being fully present in your body and in nature. So usually these walks are short and you are really attending to your body in motion. You are noticing the how your foot rolls onto the ground with each step. You're noticing the feel of the air as it brushes your cheeks as you move you're really paying attention to your body and or your surroundings, you're really noticing the rustle of the trees or the, the chirp of a bird nearby. So the mindful walks are one of the things that are just so good for my nervous system. And I find that my children often love to join me on them. If you are a parent of a toddler, we know that when we go out for walks with toddlers, they go at their own pace and they cannot be rushed. Learning from them allowing them to teach you how to slow down and be in the present moment. Oh, man, toddlers are such a gift for that. So if you have the opportunity to go for a walk with a toddler, take it, I, you know, when my kids were in that stage and we had, we were walking to the park, sometimes, you know, we had an hour and a half to go and play at the park. We sometimes wouldn't even make it there because we took so long and that was okay, because kids are so good at being in the moment and enjoying the process, enjoying the journey. And so, it's really easy for us as the adults to put on our kind of goal oriented culture onto kids. Kids are very good at teaching us how to release the end goal and be in the moment for the journey I highly encourage you to, to practice and let your kids teach you how to practice that. 

And then another mindfulness practice that really that I love to engage in on a regular basis is gratitude. So setting aside a few minutes each day to reflect on things that you're grateful for. Sometimes, you know, when you're starting, you know, three, a small number is good challenging yourself to list more than 10, can be really good practice because to do so you have to get into the nitty gritty of things. You know, you can, it's easy, you know, three or five. You know, we have, we have that many people in our family, we're grateful for them. It's easy to put those down. But when we get into 10 or 15, we really have to start noticing the small things that we're really grateful for that. We appreciate that we, that we would miss if they weren't there, the smell of our coffee in the morning, the feel of our child's head pressing against our shoulder. You know, when we are snuggled up in the back seat of the car with them, you know, I mean, just, there's just so many things to be grateful for that we don't even notice or pay attention to the human brain is really good at noticing threats and noticing things that they want it wants to change. It's less good at noticing the positive things that are already happening. And that makes sense, right? So our human brain is tasked with keeping us safe and alive. So it makes complete sense that that this helpful human brain isn't great at noticing the things that are already positive and great in our lives, but we can train it to do so, we can help help it, help us start being more aware of the the blessings that we have in our lives. So those are some general practices that that I enjoy and help me and my family. 

I just wanted to tell you a few that I do specifically during the holiday season that really increase my pleasure and joy and allow me to be a better and more present parent. So the first one is the act of decorating. So when I'm decorating our house, we are, I don't know that we necessarily identify as Christian anymore. I mean, we totally celebrate Christmas. We have a, a manger scene. I grew up Catholic and so did my husband. But I don't know, you know, we don't really go to church anymore. We celebrate the solstice where my husband is Polish, I'm Norwegian by descent. So we kind of bring in some Scandinavian traditions like we celebrate Santa Lucia day. So we kind of dabble in a variety of things. I love, I love the decor for this time of year. I love the twinkling lights. I love the evergreens. I love, I just love all the sparkle and the glitz and, and it's ok if you don't love those things, right. We're individuals, we're able to be ourselves. It's okay for me to love those things and it's ok for you not to, but when I am decorating my house, when we're working together as a family to decorate my house, I like to put my hands on every single thing that goes up. I appreciate it. I notice it. I discussed with my family where we got it. So all of our Christmas ornaments are labeled with who gave them to us or where we got them for what event, you know, each ornament that goes onto our tree has significance and meaning and I touch each and every one of them and discuss it with the family. So decorating our tree is just this like delicious moment of mindfulness and presence and love and enjoyment for our family and to you that might sound exhausting and burdensome to hear me describe that. 

And I want to tell you that's okay, if you never do your Christmas tree or you don't have a Christmas tree or you never do any decorations like that. It's, it's totally okay if that feels overwhelming and not your cup of tea, that's okay. But I would encourage you to find, you know, if you do decorate for holidays at this time of year to find some opportunity to drop into the present moment with the objects you're choosing to put around your home, to really connect with him and think about why am I choosing this? What pleasure does this give me over my, my kitchen where over our kitchen sink, we have this ledge and normally that ledge is filled with plant cuttings that I'm propagating. But during Christmas, I fill it with pink colored Christmas decorations. It's the only part of the house that has pink in it. And it just, each little piece has been carefully chosen and curated over the years to bring me a lot of joy while I'm so that I have something so beautiful to look at during this season, while I'm doing dishes and I just encourage you, you know, again, like there's no pressure to decorate your house, there's no pressure to do any of this. But if you are just look at these things as an opportunity to drop into that present moment and, and handle, you know, if it means you're putting out a candle, you know, you're placing a candle in a candle holder, hold it in your hand and think about the beings, the bees that worked together to create that wax. The humans who perhaps dyed it and formed it. The workers who packaged it and put it on shelves, the person you who chose it and brought it to the cash register, the worker there who checked you out, you know, I mean, there's just in a candle that you're putting in a menorah, there is just so much that goes into that candle. Allow yourself to witness it, allow yourself to see it, to experience that whole kind of production, really notice it. And if you have the capacity, do it out loud. So you can model that for your kids and feel that gratitude well up within you. 

Okay, so I feel like I went a little deep on that one, but I just, I really do love this idea that you know what we choose to put in our house has meaning to us. Maybe not everything but certain things do. And so it's okay to drop into the present moment with those things and savor that meaning. Okay. Another practice that we do at the holidays that I really enjoy is we have this Advent Calendar. It's shaped like in a triangle, kind of like a tree and has these little compartments that you can put things in and we set it out. And we set it out empty. I know advent calendars are supposed to open it and take something out. But instead we set it out empty and over the course of our lives together, we've collected little rocks and acorns, shells, you know, just little pieces from our family walks. And so what we do with our advent calendar is, we fill it as we count down to Christmas. And so we, you know, each evening the children get to choose one thing we talk about where we collected it from what we were doing as a family and we place it in the calendar. So that like that practice really helps us kind of review the year, savor our family memories, appreciate nature. We really enjoy that one. 

Another thing I invite you to do is to engage in mindful eating this holiday. So during the holidays, we often have lots of food and drink experiences that we don't get to have throughout the rest of the year that feel quite special. Allowing yourself the gift of savoring those things, really sitting down and being fully present with your body, with your taste buds, with your, with your senses of smell and touch. Kind of really getting into all of those things can be really delightful, inviting your kids to be a part of that. There are really many kids are very, very good at this, very naturally. It might seem weird to them at first if you don't do this often. But they just need the smallest invitation, just the smallest little like if you're having a cup of cocoa together, the smallest little invitation to smell it before you drink it and really like like really just talk about what do we smell, you know, like, oh look, I'm noticing how the marshmallows are starting to melt in there and it's creating these rivers of white and I'm just wondering what that will taste like. You know, really heightening that experience. It doesn't have to be for every meal. It doesn't have to be for everything you are consuming, you know, or drinking over the holidays, but take a couple of moments to really do that with, for yourself and for your kids. 

And then the last thing that I think can be really fun this time of year is going for walks as a family. So whether it's a nature walk, or a walk through your neighborhood, noticing the other decorations that other families have put up or noticing kind of what's going on in your, you know, your world, your part of the world during this time can be a really lovely thing to do. Here in the US, it's quite dark after dinner, we like to do those walks in the evening. Sometimes we bring a lantern but sometimes we don't, we do wear reflective gear, and being out in the quiet with the snow, can be quite magical just being fully present with each other with the warmth of each other's hands as we're holding them. And, you know, just noticing what we see. Okay, so I know that the holiday season can be both joyful and hectic. So I'm hopeful that you can take some of the things that you learned here in this episode and apply them to your life and that they can help you savor the positive stuff that's happening while managing and coping and navigating the stressful stuff. I think it's really a great idea to start weaving some of these practices just into your daily life or into the fabric of your holiday celebrations. So let me know what you think. I'd love to hear from you. And, if I don't, I hope you have a wonderful holiday season and a joyful New Year and I'll see you in January.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 171: Can You Use AI For Your Parenting - Answering Your Parenting Questions

Welcome to a special episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast we’re we dive into the fascinating intersection of parenting and AI. Joining me are two incredible guests, Anna Seewald, a psychologist, educator, and parent coach, and Jen, a devoted mom of two girls and an enthusiastic learner and member of my BalancingU community.

In this episode, we explore the use of AI, specifically ChatGPT, to answer your parenting questions. Anna and I will be sharing our insights as parenting consultants, and we'll hear from Jen, an active member of our communities, who brings her love of science and technology into her parenting journey.

Embrace the complexities of parenting, utilize technology wisely, and above all, cherish the unique moments with your family. "Can You Use AI For Your Parenting" opens the door to a future where technology and human intuition work hand in hand.


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello, everybody on this episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast. I am joined by my colleague, Anna Seewald of the Authentic Parenting Podcast and by a member of my community, Jen, who is going to help us answer your parenting questions using AI as a tool. So this episode originally aired on Anna's Authentic Parenting Podcast. I just wanted to make sure that you all got to hear it too as it was really fun to record. I think that there has been a lot of interest and controversy and fear about AI in the past few months. And it was really interesting to see how we could potentially use this tool to better our parenting and the limitations it has. So this is a kind of unique take on listener questions, but it was really fun to dig into with one of my longtime colleagues, Anna and one of my longtime clients and collaborators, Jen. So have a listen, tell me what you think. 

Anna: I am Anna Seaworld and this is authentic parenting a podcast about growing ourselves while raising our children. I am a psychologist educator and parent coach. And on this podcast, I explore how you can connect to your authentic self practice, radical self care and raise emotionally healthy children. Let's break the generational cycle of trauma for a more peaceful kind and compassionate world. Today is a special episode in which we get to answer some of your questions. I have two very lovely and super interesting and brilliant people here with me and I would let them introduce themselves. Laura.

Laura: Hi, I'm Doctor Laura Freya Anna. Thanks for having me back on the podcast. I love being here. I have a podcast of my own called The Balanced Parent. And I am a parenting consultant. I help families figure out what is deeply meaningful for them, what their goals are for their relationships and their, for their children and then help them parent in alignment with those goals. So I teach conscious and collaborative parenting. And my, my deepest goal is that all parents understand that they are human beings worthy of compassion and so are their kids. That's what I do. Happy to be here. 

Anna: And next we have Jen, I'll let her introduce herself. 

Jen: Hi, I'm Jen. I am a mom of two girls and like all of you, I have parenting questions and over the years I've joined different places to go get answers to those questions and consulting with different experts. And Anna and Laura both came into my life to help me with many of those questions and as a member of both of their communities, which are different and beautiful in their own special ways. I have really engaged my love of science and technology in using ChatGPT to answer a lot of parenting questions and just imagine how AI like that might help with the questions that we have as parents. So it's been an interesting experience to add that technology to our communities and that's what I'm hoping to do with all of you today, too. 

Anna: You are our expert today on that front, my friend. I am learning so many things from you every time and you inspire me in so many ways, even the bug bite thing that you shared with me about, you know, so much about so many things. You're very resourceful and you love learning. I love that about you. And like I said, I really love how your mind works and the way you use ChatGPT or how you engage with AI is mind blowing. You've taught me so many things, including this parenting area. So we're going to utilize that. But Jen, would you like to read a disclaimer for our listeners before we get into it? 

Jen: Yeah, sure.

Anna: That you generate it through the AI.

Jen: I did generate this with AII. The idea is that AII is like a, an experienced knowledgeable friend, right? It can serve as a valuable thought partner when it comes to parenting questions. It's got a lot of information and research and suggestions and different perspectives to share. It's really valuable, very useful and I could go on and on about how great it is. However, it's essential to remember that AI lacks the emotional understanding and the context that human beings possess that parenting is deeply personal and it varies from one child to another one family to another. AI may not fully grasp the unique tonics and nuances of your family situation. So while AI can provide information and suggestions and be that thought partner, we talked about, it's crucial not to take its advice blindly, always consider your own instincts, your own values and your child's specific needs when making parenting decisions. 

Anna: Now, thank you for that. So with that disclaimer in place, I would like to read the first question and Laura, I would love to hear your answers and I'll contribute too and then we'll go to Jen, see what the AI has to say. Then again, we'll come back and express our thoughts, our professional opinions, you know, what the AI got right, wrong. What we think about it, that kind of stuff. So the first question is from Heather and it goes like this. How long is healthy for a 3.5 year old to play independently? Mine says she can't or it's too hard and will range if I'm unable to play. You know, usually these questions are not written very well. And Laura, you always do a better job of summarizing them than I basically, this mom wants to know without feeling badly that she's not playing with her daughter. 

Laura: Yeah, I think that there's a really key part to this question. She says, I always felt like my mom didn't play with me growing up. So I'm scared I over corrected and now my own daughter can't play alone. And so I'm happy to talk about independent play. I could talk about it all day long. It's wonderful for kids. I think that their capacity to play for lengths of time can be increased by practice. It's a muscle, you know, that takes work and takes kind of skill development over time. But in order for kids to settle in to independent play and really feel confident in their ability to engage in that play by themselves, they need us holding a confident container for them. And so when I hear that this mom didn't get played with a lot growing up that there's maybe some lingering pain around that and maybe even a kind of a deeply put in place desire to do things differently with her kid. I am thinking about, you know, 7-year-old child who's thinking to herself. 

Well, I'm always gonna play with my kids whenever they ask. I'm always gonna say yes, because my mom always says no, you know, that we can carry those little narratives, those stories, those like little dictates that we say to ourselves, those little kids with us into adulthood. And I am wondering if there's an opportunity for curiosity within yourself around. Are you feeling guilty every time you have to say no to your child? Are you worried that they're going to have that same narrative with you? That you know, you don't have time for them. What is the deeper pain that's happening in there for you. You know, what do you think it meant that your mom didn't play with you at that point in time when you were little. Are you afraid it will mean to your own child when you have to have the boundary of, of not playing because you need to work on dinner or heaven forbid, go to the bathroom by yourself. I think getting clear on some of those things that, that when you do need to set a boundary around your availability for play, you can do so with confidence and without any of that wishy washiness that guilt can bring in because our kids, they are designed to be sensitively attuned to what's going on emotionally for us.

And if they can absolutely feel when we are not 100% clear on our boundary or the value of our boundary. And so, I mean, just even saying the word value, it makes me think that this mom has two values that are maybe bumping up against each other that she needs to figure out she has the value of being available and connected with her child and the value of, you know, needing time for herself. Those and those two are coming into conflict. And so she needs to sit down with herself and get crystal clear on how do I set that boundary for myself? Teach my child that actually adults are human beings who are allowed to have moments of time and space where they're not playing and hold that boundary with confidence so that my child can actually get settled into independent play. Because if we're not confident, they will feel that anxiety and they will just pull us in for reassurance. That's what they're naturally primed to do. Okay. I just talked a lot. Sorry. 

Anna: No, no. Listen, that are these do you want to add something else? 

Laura: No, no, I think that that was it. Yeah. 

Anna: Yeah. I don't want to repeat on what you're saying. I totally agree. My mind also went immediately to the hotspot of the question. But nevertheless, I'm going to add just a couple of points because I want to hear what the AI has to say about this question, too. I would love to emphasize that, you know, for this age group expecting them to engage in an hour play independently right out of the gate. It's unrealistic. So anywhere from 10 minutes to 15 and like you said, building a muscle is a good idea because she wants to know what's healthy, meaning, what's average, what to expect. I would emphasize the role of pretend play that at this age, the child engages in pretend imaginary play like kitchen, dress up, that kind of stuff are toys of that nature available. I would emphasize the role of the environment, you know, does the child have things accessible? Is it simple enough to navigate. Are there too many toys of all sorts of nature? If yes, maybe declutter simplify, have open ended toys, more pretend toys or play things available and of course, stay close and supervise and you know, you can't expect them to play on their own.

Not all of the children and some children may be more anxious type. I hear anxiety from this question, too. So by staying close, but then extending the distance a little bit, inviting the child into the kitchen to play while you're doing something and then maybe she can play in the next room after several months. So gradually increasing that distance, that space is key. And I have a no here it says, address mom's feelings about the issue, which you talked about already. And another point I had is the screens oftentimes if we introduced screens, you know, gadgets are obviously colorful, exciting, vivid, so much is happening. I noticed that in my friend's children too and my friends complain about the same issue that their children don't want to engage in independent play. Is it because we gave them this exciting device? And when they are on their own, what's there to do? Sometimes we have to teach them how to play independently by us engaging, starting maybe the game and let the child's mind wander and sort of like sparking that first spark and the fire will go. Some children need that. These are my thoughts. So Jen, let's see what the AI has to say about this question. 

Jen: Sure. So with AI, it always matters how you ask what exactly you ask that will dictate what answer you get. So I started by giving it some context and I said, I am a parent who asks questions to uncover my child's feelings and needs. And that's a phrase I actually used a lot in using this tool because it then primes the AI to give me questions to ask and to think about in this example, it didn't start out with questions, but that's okay because I then said, I want to help my 3.5 year old play independently for longer periods of time. How could I proceed? And then it gave very practical things that you just went over and uh helping your 3.5 year old child play independently can be a gradual process that involves patient and patience, encouragement and creating the right environment. So a lot of the things that, that you've talked about already having realistic expectations, choosing age appropriate activities, creating a safe space where everything is okayto play with. Modeling, independent play, offering choices, having a routine, providing encouragement, limiting screen time and more. There's a lot more that it has to say and it's all very aspirational, in my opinion, all of this would be great if I could do all of this. So reading all of that, it was a little bit overwhelming. So I jumped back to the first thing it said, which was to set realistic expectations. So I asked what expectations are realistic because that's the first thing that the robot said to do. And it pointed out that at this age, children can be expected to engage in independent play for 10 to 20 minutes. In Heather's question, I got the, the gist that, that her kid is not able to play independently at all. So even 10 minutes might be a challenge. So we have this gap, I'll touch on that gap in just a minute, but it might be surprising that 10 minutes is a realistic goal to start with at this age. And then it talked about other areas of expectations that these children of this age like imaginative play, they still will need supervision. They may have a preference for interaction and knowing that preference is important to understand. They are probably going to want frequent check-ins and to expect gradual progress, which I noted said even over several months, you may notice that they can play independently for longer periods. 

So it's not the sort of thing to expect to see progress in a week with that expectation can add a lot of peace to a parent struggling with this. So then I addressed this gap. I said, say I expect my child to play independently for 10 minutes. What questions might I reflect on as I consider how to help my child meet the expectation. And this speaks to my own philosophy about looking into myself, which is what you were doing, Laura with what are your fears about, what are your concerns? And this is something that A I is really good with is helping to generate the questions. And I will often ask it to expand on certain questions to help me think through them. But it talks about whether the activity is age appropriate is the environment safe. Have I demonstrated independent play? Am I allowing for choices? Is the timing, right? Am I nearby for reassurance? And each of these questions? And there's more has like sub questions related ones. There are probably 60 questions in this list. It's it's impressive, but reflecting on those can really help a parent with this struggle figure out where they can make some adjustments today and which adjustments we might wanna save for another time. Then I talked about the gap again because all of that was great self reflection. But now I'd like something practical. I said there's a gap between what my child can do today. No independent play and my expectation which is now realistic. 10 minutes of independent play. And then I repeated the kind of parent that I am. I like to ask questions to uncover what's going on for my child that makes it hard for her to meet the expectation, including her feelings and needs. What questions could I ask my child considering her limited conversation skills. 

Then it was questions that I could ask my kiddo. Like, how are you feeling right now? What kinds of toys or games do you like to play with? And then there's an explanation of why each question helps, right? Encourage her to express her preferences, which can guide your choice of activities asking her. Do you feel like playing by yourself today or with someone else? And what would make you feel more comfortable playing by yourself? This question invites her to express any concerns or discomfort she might have about independent play. Is there a special place in your room where you'd like to play today? Right? And make it exciting? There's a special place where you can play by yourself today and there were 12 questions like this and it gives very important reminders to listen attentively to her responses and be patient. They might not have the words to express. These are not easy questions for a 3.5 year old to answer. But asking them and engaging in that conversation can be helpful for the relationship and we'll get you that much closer to independent play for 10 minutes and more. 

Anna: Wow, this is a lot as a parent, you guys, both of you. Do you think this is helpful or this is too much information to sift through or you become overwhelmed and you're like, oh my gosh, this is too much. I don't want this, but I really like your questioning, Jen and I was joking before that the AI generates questions but your questions, your prompts are super great. Laura, what do you think? As a professional and as a parent? 

Laura: Well, I mean, there's like part of my professional self is like, oh no, I'm out of a job but I know really at the end of the day it's a lot of information. It's overwhelming and a parent who's asking these questions for themselves might not know which direction to go down when there's so many options. I do know that we can ask AI to be more specific or to give me, give her ideas, you know, if it, we are overwhelmed. But I think there are lots of great starting points. I think that especially when a parent is overwhelmed by a problem, it's really hard to know where to start and these can be really good starting points for jumping off. I'm all for parents having more tools in their toolbox to support them. I'm amazed. I also think I really appreciate Jen, you telling us what questions you are asking because I know for a fact when using AI that getting the correct prompt is what will get you good output. You have to have those good prompts. So I really appreciate you modeling those prompts for our listeners today. 

Anna: Can I mention two resources before I forget, Laura, you are the go to person for the play program that you have, could you plug in your play program? And we have done an episode together and I believe it is about play and I believe the title is What To Do If You Don't Like How To Play With Your Kids If You Don't Like Playing or something like that. Yeah. Something like that. So, can you tell about your program very briefly? 

Laura: Yeah. So I have a couple of play classes. One is called Playful Healing where um I teach you basically how to do play therapy with your kids. So if you are thinking about, you know, wanting to connect more deeply with your kids through play and actually enjoy playing with your kids. Playful Healing is great for you. I also have one on Purposeful Play. That one is more towards kind of parent led structured play to do things with your kids like process dentists, an upcoming dentist trip or prepare them for transitions. But then I also have tons of episodes of my podcast on play and most Januaries, I do a 30 days of play object that's free for the community where we kind of hone in on what are the specific things that support independent play. So all of the things that good old ChatGPTs told us about and that Anna told us about, I break those things down and have kind of one prompt per day. Where I'm encouraging you to make a small incremental shifts so that you can be getting more independent play from your kids. 

Anna: Thank you and Jen, I wanna ask you, what's the difference between using Google for asking parenting questions and using AI.

Jen: Google is going to give you overwhelming amounts of information that you have to read through and decide if it's going to be relevant for your question. And AI is more likely to give you answers that are relevant for your question. It's simply more focused. And I've heard some people describe ChatGPT as a tool that scours the internet for the answer, but that's not what it does. It does something a lot more nuanced in a technical way that I won't bother explaining about predicting what the next word is and so on, but it does filter out for you all the things that are not related. So for example, in Google, if we're searching for independent play tips or something, you might get an infographic related to infancy. But my kid is 3.5, I'm not working on 10 month old and asking them to play independently in their playpen for three minutes that I'm working with a 3.5 year old and that's very different. 

And ChatGPT doesn't even bother with the infancy level of the answer. So you have to do a lot less filtering out with AI but also as we've heard everywhere that people are talking about AI, we do have to check its factuality. It's its factness because what it is really good at is putting words together that sound plausible but may not be correct. So when it said, for example, that a good expectation is 10 to 20 minutes for this age range. If that's a really important element for the way I'm choosing to proceed through this problem, I would go verify that independently somewhere else. And today you did that for us, both of you talked about that same time frame. So in that detail, I would consider it confirmed, but each detail that matters a lot, go verify. 

Anna: Okay. Well, let's move on to our second question, which is about bedtime and it is a voicemail. I will play it now for us to. “Hi Anna, this is Lauren Grogan. I am calling to see if you can answer a question on your podcast. I have been struggling recently with bedtime. My son is eight and my daughter is five and I really struggle the most with my daughter cause my son is pretty ok with being alone. You know, I leave him with some toys, his book, his music and he's pretty content with kind of soothing himself playing and then putting himself to sleep whereas she really needs me and has a hard time with me leaving and it'll take anywhere from 45 minutes to sometime over an hour to put her down each night. And that's a lot of time and it's in the middle of a very busy night when I'm already trying to clean up dinner and prep for the next day, you know, finishing laundry loads, prepping myself for the next day.

 You know how it goes. And the night always ends up in just frustration. Lots of yelling, which just gives me very bad mom guilt and makes me very upset because I nighttime should be very and nice time. So luckily I do always go in and apologize and then we do have a good send off, you know, to sleep, but I just wish it never had to get like that and it just always does. There's always a rush to get showered off and dried off and pjs and brushing teeth and then getting into bed all that. Like it just seems to be this long drawn out process or every night I just feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm not, I don't quite have it down. Right. And I, I feel like I'm a, an efficient person, but I, I'm really struggling with this right now. So I don't know if there's any insight or maybe some kind of a structure or suggestion that could help. Thank you very much. Take care.” 

Laura: Well, this is a big one. I kind of want to hear your, what you have to say. 

Anna: Okay. Yeah, I, I'm going to be very quick because I also want to go to the AI. So what I want to start with this one is again, acknowledging how hard bedtime is compassion for mom and offering take care of yourself. You're not a bad mom, you're not doing it wrong. I mean, there's no right or wrong. But what I would say is what's the feeling that you want to have around bedtime? What's this ideal image that you have? How do you want bedtime to go? What's your intention? Maybe journal about this? Visualize this bedtime, how things are going? I would start with that also encourage her to evaluate or maybe re evaluate the structure, the routine that she has for her children. Another thing I would say is 45 minutes is a decent time um for a five year old to go to bed like reading together 45 minutes to an hour I think is uh is a realistic time frame. I remember from when my daughter was young, I don't know, where do people here do ideas that bedtime has to be short? Do you put them to bed and they're out in five minutes? I'm not sure it takes time and this mom is conflicted, right? 

There are those two needs again. But what I'm going to suggest is I want this mom, you know, she's putting the, this is Lauren, I don't want to call her this mom. So Lauren wants to put her children to bed. I definitely have had that feeling when you want to just have your own time. You're done. You're so done because after bedtime, there is more tasks more to do. So your day is not done. So what I am suggesting is including our children in doing tasks and chores around the house with us so that we don't have to look forward to that time when they are finally in bed so that we can get to the laundry or the dinner, the dinner, it's over. Guys let's put some music on together as a family. Let's clean up together. Yes, it may not be to your standards. You may have to, you know, pick up and clean up a little more later. 

But encouraging kids to be part of the process, tackles a lot of things togetherness, cohesiveness, family time, time with mommy fun, teaching responsibility on and on and mom doesn't have to have this overwhelming feeling when are they going to go to bed so that I can do the laundry and the dinner, clean up and it's just not necessary so the kids can help with the laundry. They are at a decent age seven and five and the dinner clean up. I would suggest Lauren to look into that cultivating that as a family practice. And I I am seeing Laura is nodding because this is right off of your alley. I think that's all I have for now, what do you want to add Laura? 

Laura: I love everything that you've said so far. I also think that going to bed is just one thing, but there's actually a lot of things that can be hard about going to bed. There can be time away from parents that are hard teeth brushing in and of itself can be a complicated process for kids who have sensitive, putting clothes on, you know, changing clothes. Like there's a lot of steps to going to bed. And so I would also suggest that this mom take some time to break down like, okay, so what are all of the expectations that I have going into bed for my kid? And let's take a look at each of them and see if any of them are hard for my kid. If a child really hates their toothpaste, they're gonna drag their feet going upstairs because they know eventually I'm gonna have to brush my teeth with this toothpaste I really hate. And so I think some doing some collaborative problem solving on each of the tasks might really help and help them have this feeling of being a teen, like what's going on? It's been hard for you to go to bed recently, you know, what's up with that? You know, and, and you just like starting to have some of those conversations and if it comes down to this five year old really wants to spend more time with mom which I get that makes sense. Then doing dinner, clean up together can be a wonderful, beautiful connecting time. There's also lots of problem solving that can be done to help a five year old feel connected even when we're apart, so that's connection in the midst of disconnection. That's really challenging for a five year old to be able to do. It takes a lot of cognitive skills. So books like the Kissing Hand or Invisible String, those books teach young children in this age range. So they're designed to teach kids how to feel connected to their loved one even when they're apart. And I think that that would probably be really helpful for this five year old, too. 

Anna: Great. Let's hear what Jen has found through AI. What has ChatGPT has to say?

Jen: yes. It's very clear that I have been working with both of you for a while because my thought processes and these questions are very similar to what you all said. 

Laura: Yay. 

Jen: So I started by giving the children's ages and then I talked about how they're reluctant to go to bed on time. Sometimes they're 90 minutes later than their 830 bedtime. My five year old has FOMO fear of missing out. Can you help me articulate the stages of the bedtime routine? So I can figure out which part is giving us the most trouble. And I liked the answer that ChatGPT gave here because it gave us seven different stages, preparation for bedtime, then bath time, pajamas and teeth brushing, story time or quiet reading. Then good night, hugs and kisses, then the bedtime itself and then falling asleep, which happens after the bedtime and there could be challenges with each of those. It gave a general time frame that preparation should start about 30 to 60 minutes before their intended bedtime. Bath time could be 10 to 15 minutes. Pajamas and teeth brushing might be 5 to 10 minutes. So for each step, it broke it down into a few minutes of how much time is realistic for that step. Going to your point, Anna that we need to be realistic about what it takes to get kids into bed. 

But then for each stage, it talked about what the challenges could be. The challenge around bath time might be that some children enjoy it and don't want it to end and others may resist getting in in the first place around bedtime itself. children may resist going to bed because they fear missing out on activities or they feel it's too early and then challenges are falling asleep. They may have difficulty, especially if they have napped too late in the day or had too much screen time, too close to bedtime. And so I didn't read the whole thing there, there's a lot there, but uh then it went straight into problem solving without me having to ask it for anything because the AI then suggested ways to identify the part of the bedtime routine that's causing the most trouble. And step number one was to observe patterns, maybe keep a bedtime journal for a week or two note, when your children resist bedtime and what seems to trigger their reluctance. Then communicate, as you said, Laura, I talk to your children about their feelings and concerns at bedtime, understanding their FOMO or any specific worries can help address those issues. Then more detail around adjusting the timing of bedtime addressing whatever the specific challenges are being consistent, keeping screens limited and creating a relaxing environment which speaks to the intentions, Anna that you were mentioning. 

Anna: Can, can I make a quick joke before you go on? It all sounds wonderful if only the parent was an A I to keep a journal and it's like Lauren, I know what you're doing wrong. You need to keep a bedtime journal. It's very generic that AI answers. I'm loving it because it's very aligned with our thought process too and it's more structured and organized. And I think that might be helpful for the listener and Jen, can I ask permission to share the answers of the AI with the people who submitted their questions? 

Jen: Yeah, sure. These links to each of these conversations is available. 

Anna: Okay, great. Please continue. 

Laura: Oh, I just had, I wanted to hop in just for a second. So I just asked ChatGPT a very, like a much more general question that isn't such a carefully constructed prompt. So I said, how do I get my child to go to bed on time? And it gave me very, a lot of very detailed information, but it's very, very general. And so I just want to put a plug in if  we're using AI, we've got to make sure we're giving it the proper inputs, you know, I mean, it has established a consistent bedtime routine, create a relaxing environment, limit screen time, set, a bedtime, make gradual adjustments, be a role model of caffeine and sugar before bed. You know, I mean, it's just a bun, it's like it like threw spaghetti at the wall. Basically, they're great ideas, good places to start. But I think really being specific on who you are, the type of relationship you have or want with your child, their ages, your goals. It's writing a good prompt for AI is hard. It's a skill in and of itself. 

Anna: It is. And Jen taught me because I needed things for the authentic parenting podcast. And here's what I learned. I think the more as a parent, if you're using it for parenting purposes, be specific, give more details about your case and it can learn who you are and hopefully give you more specific tips, but come back and consult with us because we're always available. 

Jen: Yeah, you mentioned earlier, Laura, that it's a good starting point. And I think that's the right frame of mind to go into AI with it will not solve your parenting problems, but it will give you a few different starting points, perhaps different perspectives that may have escaped your attention to think about. So that's really where I see its strength, not in solving our problems for us. 

Anna: Going back to this bedtime question, Jen, what stood out the most? What is most helpful? And is it aligned with what we said or is there a better response perhaps that we overlooked? 

Jen: No, I think it summarized what you all have said already and it went into more detail about Laura's point about some problem solving too. And again, you can tell that we're friends because these, these same thoughts were coming through in the prompt I asked next. And that's another tip for AI is to follow up in the same conversation, ask more questions about it, ask it to explain it in a different way. So I again reminded it that I like to ask questions to uncover what's going on for my child that makes it difficult for them to meet my expectations. These difficulties could include practical aspects, individual preferences, their feelings and underlying needs, similar to what I said before in the last question. And then for each challenge that had identified just above, make a table that shows four age appropriate questions I could ask my children. And then for each stage, so the preparation stage, you gave me four different questions. I could ask, how would you like to spend the last 30 minutes before bedtime? Is there something you feel you need to do or finish before bed and starting to get their ideas about what their intentions are for this time? 

Just as you said, Anna about understanding our own and then questions for bath time for pajamas and teeth brushing and then it stopped at stage five. Good night, hugs and kisses and it gave some questions about that. Do you ever feel like you need some more time with me before falling asleep? Is there something on your mind or any worries you'd like to talk about before bed? But I know that there were seven stages, we still haven't gotten to bedtime itself and we haven't gotten to the falling asleep part and it didn't make a table for those. So I put the word continue, which is another AI tip that if it's clear that it hasn't finished its thoughts, you can just type the word continue and it will continue its thoughts and that's exactly what it did it get then gave me the questions for bedtime and for falling asleep. 

So do you ever have trouble falling asleep at night? What's on your mind? Is there something in your room that makes it hard to sleep? Like noise or light and right? Address it once we know where these problems are happening in our child's bedtime routine, which was missing from this question. So that's I think why these questions, these answers are as general as they are. Then my next two questions addressed the worries that I would feel if I was a mom reading this and trying to address bedtime challenges. I said I'm worried this approach will create an elaborate bedtime routine that I don't have energy for. And then again, the key question. 

Anna: I love that question. I love your problem. 

Jen: Yes. How can I manage that worry? And it talked about things that we've mentioned here, simplify the routine, be realistic in our expectations, prioritize self care. And I'm going through this list very briefly. But each of these items has a whole paragraph about how prioritizing self-care can help make the child's bedtime better. So it's boring to sit and listen to me read. So then it talks about delegating tasks, communicate with your children, be consistent over being elaborate and ask for help. Then the other worry that I would imagine for my own self and imagine maybe the wrong word, but maybe it's remember for myself is losing track of the fact that we've made progress. Bedtime is still hard. I've been working on this for a month and it's still hard. Right. Well, it's not that you haven't made progress. It's that it's still hard because there were seven parts and each had four questions this is a big deal. So I asked it, how can I tell we're making progress where we're making progress and where we're not, it can be discouraging when bedtime continues to be a struggle. Yet, I may overlook the fact that we've worked through other parts enough to have made them easier. So, again, very specific, prompt five ways to stay positive. And I was getting tired of these lists that had 12 and 15 things in them. So I just asked for five and it said to keep a bedtime journal, record the details of each bedtime routine. Not what went well, what improvements you've seen and where challenges persist. This journal can help you objectively track progress over time. My journal when I was struggling with bedtime with my kids was a google doc that I sometimes opened up. It was not very consistent, but the simple act of being observant helped. So that was it number one tip set small goals, communicate with your children, seek support and advice and practice mindfulness and self compassion, which I know we all love so much in this group. So I was really delighted to see that that made ChatGPT list of top five interesting. And then it ended with five affirmations all on its own. It just supplied these affirmations, Doctor Mbeki's style. Okay. I am doing my best to create a loving and consistent bedtime routine for my children. And the second one each day I learn more about my children's needs and preferences and I adapt our routine accordingly. And then three more affirmations, things like that make it feel better that it's still hard. But we are making progress. I'm doing my best each day. I'm learning. I'm trying. This is okay. 

Anna: This is very interesting. Yeah, it's awesome. There's a lot, I think it just emphasizes for me the value of working with a parent coach. You know, because if you came to me with this problem, we will get through all of those questions and routines, you know, all of those things, but not in one session. And I think that's the value of working with a professional, you know what I mean?

Laura: And I think that the professional too, when you're actually interacting with a person where you're able to read your body language, the nonverbals and we get to know you too and we get to know your kids, especially when we have the chance to work consistently with you. Like Jen, I've had the opportunity to walk alongside you for a couple of years now. In your parenting journey. I feel like I know your family, I know the things you've tried. I know there's things I probably don't even need to go into because I know you've already tried them before you come to me with something. And I, I think that that can't be understated too. I think we're really not meant to do this alone and it's so good to have a tool. And then it's also really important to have your village, the people that you go to for support. 

Jen: I would agree and the questions that I asked that are so admirable here, right? They came from becoming this type of parent that I am today. Not from being the panic, scared parent. I was when my toddlers were so small and I have grown a lot as my children have grown and professionals like you have both helped me to become that parent. And it makes it possible to ask questions like how can I manage that? Worry instead of I can't do this, it's gonna be too hard, right? Those are very different questions but very understandable answers depending on where the parent is in their own journey. 

Anna: Yeah. True. Let's move on for the sake of time to our next question. And Laura, are you willing to read the next question?

Laura: Yeah. Absolutely. My seven year old daughter has been diagnosed with two chronic illnesses that she can live with but will cause her pain and suffering during her life. How do I best support her emotional growth for the long term considering this difficult news? 

Anna: Just want to send a little bit of compassion and love to this parent. 

Jen: Yeah, I know and just that part she will suffer during her life. It just tells me mom's feelings about this. And in my answer, I have a couple of, you know, bullet points for this mom. And the first one is, and I clarified, I asked this mom, have you already told your daughter about her diagnosis? And she said yes. And I don't know what kind of these illnesses are, you know, are they limiting this child in her activities in her day to day life? Are they visible or they just internal things? I don't know. But the first thing I'm going to say is support for mom, find support for yourself, a support group, supportive people, a support group for those illnesses, perhaps so that you can learn more and support your daughter. You have to be in a resourced place in order to be helpful for your daughter. Number one, that's what I would emphasize. Number two, I would say, be honest with your daughter and answer whatever questions you may have in age appropriate, very honest way about the illnesses. 

And of course, number three, address her feelings when and if they will rise throughout her childhood and life. But in order to do that effectively, you have to process your own grief and thoughts and feelings around this idea that your daughter has this illness, not one but two for the rest of her life, she has to suffer. So this is a heavy thing. I think mom needs space to process her own emotions around this in a consistent supportive way with someone with a therapist, with a support group so that she can provide that emotional support for her daughter validate. Listen and sometimes there's no need to fix the situation but have space for your daughter to express and complain and vent about the limitations. Or maybe she's feeling not good enough or less than or there is a stigma that I'm not. There's something wrong with me. I am a kid with this limitation and I can't do X Y and Z So we don't know more about the illness, addressing that part of the child's psyche, I think is important. But in order to support your daughter again, I can't emphasize enough, the support for the mom education may be for the mom as well. 

Laura: Yeah, I 100% in alignment with you on that. And the only thing I would really add would be to start really considering the role of mindfulness, particularly self compassion based mindfulness. There's so much research on how important mindfulness, meditation and self compassion are for managing chronic conditions, especially chronic pain, they can be hugely helpful. So, and your seven year old is not too young to start learning some of those techniques and making sure she has the support she needs too, whether it's seeing, you know, representation, seeing herself in books, in the media that she's exposed to helping her learn how to advocate for herself as well. But I mean, mindfulness and so compassion. There's a great book called Sitting Still Like a Frog which is she's the right age to start introducing some of those activities. 

Anna: Wonderful. You're always full of great ideas. I love it, Jen. Let's hear what the AI has to say about this question.

Jen: Yes. Sure. So the prompt I chose to start with had everything to do with my first reaction. My first reaction was directly aimed at the question as written, right? How do I best support her emotional growth? Okay. Well, my first reaction was well the same as all children and we'll figure out the rest as she faces challenges, right? But that's not gonna do for an answer. But that's the space I was in. When I asked the AI this question, what aspects of emotional growth could parents be deliberate about supporting? How does this change when the child is diagnosed with chronic illnesses at an early age? And said for all children do it like this. And then when diagnosed with a chronic illness, here's how that picture changes somewhat. Some things that might be extra hard, some specific areas that might need some extra attention. So I appreciated the way it framed and organized its answers. So for example, I'll read the one about empathy and social skills. It said for all children encourage empathy by discussing feelings and perspectives, foster social interactions to help children build healthy relationships and learn to cooper with others valid.

And then when diagnosed with chronic illness, children with chronic illnesses might face isolation or stigma. Parents can support them by helping them navigate social situations, promoting self advocacy and building a support network of understanding peers. And then each of the areas of emotional development were addressed in this same way. Here's how to do it for all children and here's how to some special considerations for children with chronic illnesses. So it was very extensive and it gave eight different areas each framed out in those two elements and out of curiosity, I typed, continue, are there nine and 10 and 11 and 12 more? And it continued along the same line of thinking, but it went off in a direction I wasn't expecting. It said here's some additional considerations and strategies for parents when supporting uh the emotional growth of a child diagnosed with a chronic illness. Then it talked about some of the things we've mentioned here.

Education and understanding parents should educate themselves about the specific illness and educate the child about that illness too and advocacy skills, teach your child how to advocate for themselves  work with your child to create a health care plan that outlines what their needs are, their medications and contacts, emotional respite for parents taking care of their own emotional well being. And I'm chuckling only because it's exactly where you started celebrating achievements, encouraging hobbies and interests, positive role models. You mentioned laura flexibility and patience and seeking professional help when needed. And then any one of those areas could be expanded upon if we needed to make it more practical. So it's all again, very good but theoretical in general. And I was curious to what I could do to make one of them much more actionable. Okay, encourage them to do this or that. What does that look like? Tell me. So I copied and pasted some of its answers from up above about self esteem and self-confidence where it had said what to do for all children and for children diagnosed with chronic illness. And then I said, please supply two concrete actions I can take for each of these suggestions. And then those concrete actions were fantastic. I thought it gave some example, phrases to say around, for example, encouraging self reflection, teach your child to reflect on their actions and outcomes, ask questions like what did you learn from this experience or what can you do differently next time? And those are things that we aware parents might be helping our kids to do already. And it can be comforting to get advice that you get to ignore because I'm already doing that. 

And then the last piece that I addressed with the AI was about the aspect that I can imagine about feeling left out other kids can do normal activities in quotes, eat normal foods and go about life without thinking about their bodies as much. How can I support my kid with that challenge? And then it talked about open and honest communication, normalize their experience, educate peers and school staff encourage empathy and inclusion, create inclusive activities, special treats and celebrations. Again and again, just and two bullets under each of those with things that could help a child who necessarily needs to be excluded from some things to not feel like they're missing out on everything that's important and big in a child's life. 

Anna: Can we move to the next question for the sake of time again? Laura or do we want to say something about this? 

Laura: Kind of have just a little quick question for Jen, I kind of feel curious about. So Anna and I could never give such comprehensive answers to a question on a podcast. We just couldn't. And so I feel kind of curious for you your perspective as a listener of our content. How is it for you to see kind of the depth and the detail that's coming in ChatGPT versus the trusted advisors that you've chosen to listen to? I, I'm kind of curious about that. Is it okay to go there? I know we have just a few minutes. 

Jen: Yes. It's a really good question. I was wondering that as we were discussing things. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Jen: I think that your entire body of work is as comprehensive as this ChatGPT is, I can hear echoes of things that I've picked up from you all along the way, even things that you haven't mentioned today that the AI is producing, I have heard you all talk about things like getting enough support as parents and finding good role models for our kids. And even if there's an element that doesn't get mentioned in response to a specific conversation in one single podcast as a body, it all shows up in there. So that's one aspect to it is to find an advisor who speaks your language, who speaks to the way that you aspire to parent and gives advice that can be all put together in sensible ways. Sometimes they can't, sometimes you can hear people giving conflicting advice. Some of the older people in my circle, for example, give conflicting advice about parenting. But when we have a holistic view, it all does come together. So that's probably the first thing that I think of is as consider the whole body of work. It is comprehensive and that makes it possible to consume an overwhelming list. Like the ones we've been reading through today and know which parts of it I can disregard because if I'm already doing it automatically or I can disregard it because that's not relevant to my child. And I have experience to prove to me that it's not relevant, but that mindset doesn't happen without getting a podcast like yours in my mind. And in my heart, I didn't become this type of parent who even asks these types of questions. How can I manage that worry is the one we talked about before. I never would have asked that five years ago. But asking it now becomes more automatic because I've had the guidance of people that I trust over the years. 

Laura: Yeah. It's really interesting to think about that. That maybe it's not so much that you're coming to me and to Anna to learn what to do, but you're coming to us to learn how to think through problems. And so then you're able to take those skills and apply them to the a massive list of what to do. But because you've got the skill of discernment that you've been practicing quite a lot, you know, at least we spend a lot of time with kind of turning in, checking in you know, learning from yourself. 

Jen: Yeah, it's interesting. It's fascinating to think about those things.

Anna: I appreciate that summary. That's very accurate, Laura that I am taking skills that I've gotten from you both and have applied them to questions that aren't even mine. 

Jen: And I want to just say that that's the best kind of learning. You're not here to get specific tips or tricks, but to change your mindset, your perspective, learn general principles, digest and understand the philosophy behind it, embody it so that you can be your own authority and lead with your own knowledge. It should come from you and not from us that that's what I'm looking for when I work with someone you know, I don't want them just to repeat what I'm saying. I want to empower them to embody the things that we're talking about so that they can live it, they can breathe it. And gen is a prime example of that. 

Laura: I agree with what you're saying on a, I, I often, you know, I love connecting with people. I love it when they come into my membership and I get to walk alongside them, but I know that I will walk alongside them in a season of their life. And there will be a time when they've learned what they can from me and they need to go find a new teacher for a new season or they're ready to take things on their own. And that's good. That's what we're looking for here. I'm looking to have people not rely on me so that they can rely on themselves. And that's the beauty of a tool like this you have, but you need to learn how to rely on yourself and do the filtering the discernment first. Yeah. Okay. 

Anna: Right. Great. Why don't you read our fourth question about the body boundaries with this 60 year old? 

Laura: Yes. Okay. So how do you help a child who struggles with respecting other people's body boundaries when my six year old wants us to do something for them or with them? And the answer is no, they have a really hard time understanding that that's a simple boundary. And not actually us being mean, they perceive it as someone is being mean to them by not doing what they want. So what can we do to help support this child in understanding that no means no. And they are, even though they're allowed to be sad about it, it doesn't mean that they need to keep persisting and pushing.

Jen: Yeah. The first thing that jumped at me when I read this question and further mom clarifies in the Facebook group. She clarified, I asked her a few questions. The first thing was what is driving this behavior? What is this child's need? And the first thing that I want to say, I mean, there's so much I can say but I want to be choosy and just emphasize one point because I want to hear your answers and the ChatGPT answers is the sensory processing issues. I am sensing that the child may have sensory processing issues, you know, oftentimes from this proprioceptive system, right? They're bumping into things touching, they don't know where their body is in the environment, the vestibular balance.

I am sensing that this is obviously this is not a quote unquote misbehavior. And the child knows, you know, the meaning of no, don't touch me. But is he able to manage that? Is there a sensory need that is driving this? So I would look at that and maybe consult with an occupational therapist because some children have under sensitivity or over sensitivity, right? Some children avoid sensory stuff. Some children seek it. I would look into this. So I want to be brief for the sake of time. I have several notes about this question, but I'm just going to choose this one to focus on. What are you gonna say? 

Laura: Yeah. So I think later in her clarification, she also says that she hasn't ever complained that a certain number of people are mean like people who, who in this child's life have very clear boundaries, like her partner herself or her mother-in-law. So she this it's clear that this child when he received a very clear boundary, it's much easier for them to live within that. And so on the one hand, it might be really helpful to offer the siblings some support for setting those clear boundaries and releasing any emotional attachment to the reaction of the child. Younger, especially so this kid who has a four year old sibling and younger siblings can feel really beholden to their older siblings. They want to please them, they want them to like them, they want them to play with them. And so helping a four year old feel empowered in their boundaries around the type of play they're willing to do is so important. So that's one piece that's not even related to the six year old. 

I agree with you that there might be some other things going on for the six year old and the other thing that's challenging for a six year old is just developmentally, their ability to do per active taking is still really underdeveloped. That's something that we would coming online more closer to 78. And so for a six year old, being able to under, they're still just very self centered, not in a bad way but in just developmentally, that's how it is. So helping them like slowing down and helping them understand that I understand you might really want a hug. But look at her body, her body is turned away. She's saying no to a hug that would not feel good to her and her body right now. I know you want one but she does not and it's her body and she gets to choose, you know, so having some really clear conversations where you're helping your six year old understand the other person's perspective because that is not coming naturally to the six year old yet. So that I think that that's was my biggest thing. 

Anna: Yeah, Jen, let's go to you. What do you have to say?

Jen: So I supplied the AI with some context. Here's what's going on in the family. And then my question was what is most likely the nature of their struggle with other people's boundaries. And it talked about everything you all have already that it's typically part of their normal development as they're still learning social skills and empathy. And it went through five different things uh very similar to, to our conversation so far, having a limited understanding of empathy, being egocentric, lacking social skills, emotional regulation isn't fully online and the developmental stage is quite appropriate for them to be struggling the way that they are. So a lot of don't worry. And then it talked about to help your child navigate these challenges and develop better social skills you can. And then it gave some very general advice, model, empathy, teach, communication, practice some role playing, which I thought was a nice addition to our comments so far, set boundaries in a kind way, be patient and consistent and encourage positive social interactions. 

And again, there's more to each of those from the AI, but it was a good starting point again. But then I picked up on a undercurrent in this message where the parent seemed a little surprised that the four year old can do just fine with this, but the six year old is having trouble. What's the deal with that? My six year old should be able to, it wasn't what was said, but it's what I perceived underneath. So I asked the AI this prompt took a little bit of massaging to figure out the right words to get my thoughts across. But what I finally figured out was to ask what might explain why a four year old is able to understand that no, is a perfectly acceptable answer while a six year old has difficulty with no. And the answer was very well organized and the sum of it all was, it's not that your six year old can't do something that your four year old is able to do. It's more like this four year old is not able to do what the six year old is doing. And that six year old has skills and abilities to push back, test their independence, question things that the four year old isn't questioning yet. So it was a really fantastic nuance that it was able to pick up on.

Laura: Yeah, what a great reframe and nuance, I love that. 

Anna: So overall, what's our takeaway? What's our conclusion? I want to hear a couple of words from both of you before we say goodbye. I am really thankful for both of you for being present. It's great seeing you. I value both of you. What's our main takeaway? 

Laura: Well, first of all, this was really fun. I really enjoyed getting to engage in this. So Jen's in my membership, she brings AI into our membership from time to time and it's always really fun, but it was really nice to have this done in a really structured way. Jen, I really appreciate you bringing that in with us. Anna, I really appreciate you asking me in here again. I love doing these episodes with you. I think the big takeaway for me is that AI is a really great starting point. We all need someone to come alongside us and help us figure out. Okay, what's the next right step for me? Those are my thoughts, but this is fun.

Jen: Yeah. Thank you. I also feel honored that you were interested in what I could do with AI because I do enjoy using it for so many things and I use it in my own personal life for these types of parenting questions all the time. And that's why I bring my passion into the membership spaces and share it with all of you. So it was wonderful to see that you enjoyed and appreciated. And I hope I was able to help these parents who submitted these questions, but all the parents listening, who want to be able to have a place where they can without judgment, ask some questions that might be on their mind and then follow up with even more questions as they consult with someone professional or if they don't have the bandwidth or the money to consult with somebody professional. It's good to know that AI is here as long as we're using it with all the caveats we mentioned at the top to understand the nuance of our own family dynamics that the robots could never understand. 

Anna: Okay. Robots, I like how you say that. Well, I wanna thank you again from the bottom of my heart for being a loyal member of the authentic parenting community, being a part of our support calls. I'll see you on the next call, which is pretty soon take care and thank you everyone for listening. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 170: Discovering Rest: A Deep Dive into the Ins & Outs of Resting

Welcome to another episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast! We all hear that rest is SO IMPORTANT and we are “supposed” to get more of it right? But have you ever actually sat down and considered how vague that word is, what it actually means to you as an individual, and how to get the rest you’re desperately seeking in a sustainable way? Join me as I have just this conversation with one of my dearest friends, Janna Denton-Howes

Together, we take a deep dive into the concept of rest, exploring its various dimensions—from the physical to the emotional and everything in between. 

Here are some of the takeaways:

  • Different types of rest and ways to engage in them mindfully

  • Self reflection: Taking a moment to pause and pose questions to oneself

  • Journaling exercise on the discussed types of rest with the goal of identifying areas where you may need more nourishment

With the holidays fast approaching I know you’re going to be looking for ways to sneak in some intentional rest and rejuvenation, so I hope this episode will help you do just that! This episode is all about an honest and vulnerable exploration of the many facets of rest. Remember, parents, self-care comes in various forms, and it's crucial for your well-being. Until next time, embrace the rest you need and deserve!


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Okay, so we're going to talk about rest with, amongst friends. I just want to start off by saying Janna, you know, we became friends online and it was so special having you visit my home last summer, meeting my family and I did not understand how delightful it probably was for you. And now that I'm here, I've been in your home for eight days basically. It, I just, I really get it. It's so lovely getting to see you in your natural environment, see the home that you've set up. You know, it's, it's really hard to make good friends. And I just really value that I got to come into your world a little bit and that we get to have this conversation face to face. 

Janna: I know it's such a treat for those who maybe don't have a lot of online friends. It may be maybe not as relatable, but it is, it's amazing. I can't even believe you're here in my office. It's just incredible. 

Laura: I mean, I think, I think parenthood is a lonely time. I think it's really lonely when we're in the throes of parenting and we have our kids friends parents, you know, we have the people we see at school pickups and stuff. But there's no, you know, other than if we're blessed with a partner, there's no one else who's really in it with us. You know, and getting to come into your home and see what you're like as a mom and see your teenage girls. You know, I just, Janna has two kids who are older than mine. I have two kids who are in the middles and it's just really lovely to have a friend to go through life with. 

Janna: I completely agree. I think it's fascinating to, to live with someone for a week because you get to see the rhythms of their life beyond maybe a couple of hours that are carefully curated. You know, if you have somebody over, you've, I mean, certainly before you came over, I cleaned my house. I mean, I did the thing, you know, but after a week you can't keep it up that long. You know, like at some point the dishes are going to get full in the sink and you're going to have a bit of a tiff with your husband and, you know, things, you know, things real life, things are going to happen and, you know, because bringing it to the, the topic that we did want to talk about today, which is rest that's also been interesting to do that with you as well and to negotiate and talk about and communicate what we're needing every day. 

Laura: Yeah, because we're complex and we have lots of different needs, you know. So this um just for some context I am, I'm taking a 10 day trip away from my family. This is the longest I've ever been away from my kids and away from my husband. And my goal really was to rest where, you know, my audience knows that I'm coming out of a really difficult and stressful time period in my family. And I really wanted to spend time resting and, you know, I didn't, I came into it not really knowing what that meant. And so I was spending some time journaling on the topic. And so then I told you I was journaling and you're like, I don't know how to rest either. And I was like, gosh, we're two amazing moms, busy moms, like businesses that were running and we don't know how to rest, you know, and I feel like there's so many, we can't be alone. I think that this is a real problem in our culture. We don't know how to rest and the things that we think are rest aren't actually nourishing and restful. Like, what is your go to rest when you're like, Oh, I'm tired, I'm exhausted. What do you do? 

Janna: Oh Youtube.

Laura: Youtube, yeah. 

Janna: Youtube videos. I have of vloggers that I follow. I'm embarrassed to admit it. 

Laura: What? Wait, but we're human. You know, we all have our little secret guilty. 

Janna: Yeah, you know right? I just love Van Life videos and I love watching people do things that I would never do myself. 

Laura: You like to see them be brave kind of?

Janna: Yeah, they build their own cabins in the wood. And I would hate that though. Like, living on a van. That's the worst thing I can imagine so. 

Laura: But they're so happy. 

Janna: Yeah but, you know, like I do, I do enjoy it to an extent, maybe about half an hour. But after that, it does start to just feel compulsive and icky and not almost like. 

Laura: Draining. 

Janna: Draining. Like I'm not actually making the decision to do that. Whereas if I do something a little bit more intentional, I think we're going to get into some of these. I love you had categorized a little bit, types of rest. But yeah. What about you? What do you tend to go to? 

Laura: It's the same, you know. So, I, I have taken a pretty long social media break for months. I'm dabbling with getting back on there but with some more intentionality around, like what actually is fulfilling for me. So, I, like I have this Facebook group that talks about like different, weird and random things people find at thrift stores. I know. 

Janna: I love, I've been, I've had the privilege of going through some thrift stores with you and it is fun. She delights in these things. 

Laura: I mean, but it's really cool to think about like, the lives that these objects have had the place that they've had in people's homes and their lives, the joy that they brought and then they're in this new place where they're going to get a new life. You know, it's just a very interesting thing. So, I love that group, but it's the same. I find myself going in about 30 minutes and then it just, my eyes start to hurt and it feels like I can't stop. And we know that this is how it's designed. They have kind of hijacked our psychology. It's designed like this on purpose. And, you know, it's fascinating. I was at a conference earlier in the fall and someone from Stanford was presenting some research and she was talking, she had this beautiful data on different types of media and technology usage and almost all of them have a sweet spot of a 30 to 40 minutes where people get a net positive benefit from being on them. But then after that 40 minutes, their well being scores plot, really quickly. And so like, ok, so first is understanding that like the things that we go for. Are they actually fulfilling us? So maybe that first 30 minutes, yes. But somehow for me, somewhere in there, I don't know if it's this way for you, it shifts into numbing.

Janna: Totally.

Laura: You know, it shifts into like just kind of having this like life is hard. My nervous system is tired and I need to just not, it feels like this is going to benefit me to just not feel for a little while.

Janna: Exactly.

Laura: But it doesn't actually benefit me.

Janna: No, no when I'm finished. I don't feel.

Laura: Better. 

Janna: Rested.

Laura: You don't feel rejuvenated.

Janna: No, no. 

Laura: Okay. So one of the things that I was asking myself while I was journaling is what is the point of rest? So what, what is the, you know, why do we think we need it? Why is it hard to get and what is the goal of rest? Like the true goal of rest? If the goal is to check out and numb out? I feel like that's where I'm accomplishing that. But I don't think that that's actually what I want. When I say I need some rest, I need a break. 

Janna: You know, I'm looking at a window right now at a bunch of trees and we're heading into a season of winter which I think is kind of a season of rest, isn't it in nature? And I wonder about the purpose of nature of rest. Like for me, it's a like you have to like you, I need it. It is, it is a requirement for me to continue being a human. To be honest, it's so basic. 

Laura: I mean, but humans are some of the only animals who will actively avoid rest when their bodies give them the signals that they need it. 

Janna: Really. 

Laura: Yeah. Other animals are just like, oh, I need rest. Okay, I'm going to rest like they'll just lay down right and do the rest or they'll play, you know, lots of animals play but they'll play in a way that's restful and rejuvenating for them. So like I mean so what is the.

Janna: The life we're trying to live is very unnatural. 

Laura: Oh, it's so unnatural. Humans are at our core. We animals and yet we're living in a world that does not allow for our animal nature. 

Janna: So, when I think of doing something like I have this acupressure mat and you have one as well. And if I take like a good 30 minute, 20 to 30 minutes and I pop in some headphones and I listen to whatever meditative music I'm feeling at the time. I focus, I do a little bit of meditation after I'm done that I feel grounded. I feel alert. I feel my, my conversations with my, my Children, my husband are um more present. I um yeah, like it is a, it is a body feel. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Janna: What about you? 

Laura: I mean, so one of the things that when I think about resting is looking at what, what type of rest I need as a person who experiences chronic pain from a car accident a few years ago, there's times where I need literal physical rest where my physical body needs to get into a position where I'm not experiencing pain. So I, I kind of, I did a little bit of like googling and researching on different types of rest and can I share them with you?

Janna: Oh, yeah. 

Laura: Would that be helpful?

Janna: Oh yeah, let’s do that. 

Laura: So, physical is one. Mental, so needing a mental break. Emotional is a kind of a type of rest that you might need. And I feel like we can dig into some of what these mean social was one that came up, spiritual is one that came up, sensory, which I think a lot of people identify with, you know, lots of the folks who come to this podcast have highly sensitive kids or kids with sensory stuff. And then as they start digging in to, you know, at least that come to my podcast, they are like, oh gosh, that's me too. 

Janna: That was my journey. I'm like, oh my kid so sensitive. Oh, this book is for me.

Laura: Yes, right? And then creative rest. And one of the things that I was really interested in figuring out about these different categories is that sometimes you need a break, like a, a rest from the thing, like doing the thing, like mental, like a mental rest is a rest from thinking. But sometimes you need to do the thing for the pure pleasure of it and you need to do the thing in a restful way. So like, for example, and I'm like burnt out on my business and trying to creatively think of posts or podcast episodes. I need a creative rest, but I get that rest by doing something creative for the pure pleasure of creation as opposed to the productivity of it. Do you know what I'm saying? 

Janna: Yeah. And that's a different definition I think, than a lot of us think when I hear the word rest, I think of napping.

Laura:  Yeah, of taking a break. 

Janna: Not doing anything.

Laura: Not doing anything.

Janna: Not doing something. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, one of my favorite ways to take a physical break, physical rest is taking a breath, taking a bath. Hugs are actually a really big source of physical rest for my body of nervous system feedback, massage and stretching. So stretching is something that's active, but it's restful to my body. I don't know, does it make sense? 

Janna: Oh yeah, this is great ideas. Yeah. 

Laura: We both talked about mental breaks that we need. Sometimes we need to take a walk where we're not listening to a podcast. 

Janna: That is my hardest break, a mental break because I live so much in my head and I'm constantly thinking and creating ideas and formulas and, and, you know, just working on.

Laura: Noodling things. 

Janna: Yeah. And it is to be honest, one of my favorite things to do, but there comes a point when it's time to do something else. Like it is time to get more in my body and you know, thinking actually about, you know, sex because that's my area of expertise. A lot of women will say having sex is really hard because I'm so in my head, I'm thinking the whole time and I say that's okay, you can do that and also there can come a point where you say I'm making the choice now to experience sensations at this point. And when I do that, when I allow myself first to be in my head, that's okay. We're not vilifying anything here. But then making the choice. That is such a relief sometimes, like, oh, I can leave that for a minute and, and whether it's a walk, whether it's something, you know, sensual, whether it's a bath. Yeah. It's a challenge to do though. 

Laura: It's a really hard and, you know, I feel like this might be a good time to talk a little bit about productivity because I my biggest barrier for most of these types of rest is that I need to get something out of it. So if I'm gonna give myself the gift of a 30 minute walk, I'm going to listen to a podcast on 2X speed.

Janna: 2X speed. 

Laura: You know? I mean, this is my ADHD I'm like, you know?

Janna: Yeah,but you can have a walk, but let's make it productive. 

Laura: Yes, I'm allowed to have a walk, but let's make it productive. Or if I'm taking a bath, I will also read during it versus the very different sensory experience of not reading and laying in the bath with my ears under the water. 

Janna: Totally. 

Laura: You know, it's very different. 

Janna: Completely. Like one you're not even in your body. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. And so, I mean, gosh, you do this work all the time with the women that you work with. It's scary sometimes for us to be in our bodies. 

Janna: Oh yeah, I mean, we don't have culture saying that that's an appropriate thing to do as a woman. You know, we're supposed to use our bodies to provide. 

Laura: I mean, to be perfectly honest, there's like lots of safety issues with being in your body. Like my body has been an unsafe place to be at times in my life, you know. 

Janna: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I love to rollerblade. We have a sea walk here and. 

Laura: She lives in the most beautiful place on earth. 

Janna: Yeah. And, and I had to do the same thing. I had to make a rule for myself. No podcasts, because you're going to miss the whole point of this roller blade. And the whole point for me is to get in my body because when I like to go quite fast and you have to be in the moment and you have to, you have to be aware of your surroundings, the breeze, the sun. I like to play really loud music as well. And, and I find that I also try not to do some of the social graces that I feel like I'm expected as a woman, like smile at everyone.

Laura: How  radical of you. 

Janna: I know and sometimes I even do a little roller dancing and it's right by the road. You know, people can see you, but I come back from an hour out there. And I just feel. 

Laura: What do you feel? 

Janna: I just feel invigorated. I feel inspired. I feel, I just feel so connected to myself. 

Laura: And that is rest. I feel like we think rest is laying in bed doing nothing and it doesn't necessarily need to be that way. It's doing the things that you need to do to feel rejuvenated, recharged. Right?

Janna: Yeah. And part of that is knowing yourself. Like I love rollerblading when I was young. And then I went for a long period of time when I was a mom that I didn't because I thought it was ridiculous. Moms don't roller blade, you know, that's for kids. And recently I've been seeing some other much older women than me, like on roller blades. And I was like, oh, I give them the biggest smile. Like, yeah.

Laura: And you don't know, maybe seeing you out there, gave them permission. Seeing this mom, this 40 year old mom out there rollerblading, gave them permission to be like one of the biggest lies I think we tell ourselves is that we have to grow up to be adults. And I just, I think, I think we tell that lie to kids and we tell it to ourselves. And I love that. I love that you found a young part of yourself that you can delight in. 

Janna: Yeah, I think, I think it's so important. I think we're both saying the same thing that it's really important to. Not just do the thing because there are things that we're told in our culture that are restful.

Laura: Yes.

Janna: Right? 

Laura: Yes.

Janna: Like there's a restful box that.

Laura: Yeah. What are some of those things? 

Janna: I would probably say yoga. 

Laura: TV. 

Janna: TV. Yeah, Netflix. Netflix and chill.

Laura: Taking a nap.

Janna: Maybe not. 

Laura: After they've taken your course, Netflix and chill that can be delightful. 

Janna: Yeah. No, it's not in the sex is not in the rest category. But um yeah. What else? 

Laura: But no. Hold on a second. What you teach that intimacy and sex can be nourishing, reconnecting, rejuvenating from a cultural standpoint. 

Janna: It is with the women I serve. It's that you are providing a need for your partner. It's not a restful experience for you.

Laura: Until they take your course.

Janna: Until they take my course and it shouldn't be restful. It should be exciting and new and, you know.

Laura: Yeah, oh gosh. 

Janna: Spicing it up and all that and I'm like, forget that. Let's do something. Relaxing.

Laura: Let’s just nourish my body.

Janna: Like we have enough on our, on our plates and we need a lot more. Yeah. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Janna: Rest. Yeah. Nourishment. 

Laura: Nourishment. I really enjoy that word. And I sometimes feel like I'm very bad at nourishing myself. Like I don't feel like I was taught how to nourish myself. 

Janna: Oh, gosh. No. Where were we taught that? 

Laura: I mean, I think our kids are learning that in our home. I hope so. I'm looking to actively teach that to my kids. Tune into your body. What does your body need? What is it communicating to you right now? 

Janna: Yeah. And you know, I have teens so phones are, you know, that's a huge conversation back to where we started. It's, so there are things that can get in the way of our rest. There are barriers to rest.

Laura: There are huge barriers. 

Janna: And the productivity mindset. 

Laura: Time.

Janna: The more addictive stuff like food and, or sugar and scrolling time. Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure lots of women are listening right now thinking, well.

Laura: This is all great.

Janna: But. 

Laura: Who has time for this?

Janna: Yeah. Like, you know, there's, there's no minute in my day. I wake up, I make, you know, not all my audience but all your audience have children. Take care of dogs, animals, you know, kids.

Laura:  Take care of others.

Janna: Take care of others and then either you're working out of the home or you're working in the home and either both things. 

Laura: Both are huge amounts of work.

Janna: Huge amounts of work. There's piles of laundry, there's, you know, cupboards full of crap. There's. 

Laura: Dishes on the counter. 

Janna: Yeah. I mean, easily you can, if the kids are at school you can use that time for, for providing for other people essentially. Then, yeah. Then what happens in the afternoon snacks? And, you know, if you've got teens, like me just driving around. 

Laura: Activities.

Janna: Activities, then we've got dinner. Yeah. And then weekends come on grocery shopping and running errands. 

Laura: So, what do we do then with this? 

Janna: Well, how have we done it? Because we have done it. And we granted, we don't have super young kids. But.

Laura: I managed to do it when I had young kids cause I had to, it was a, it was a situation where my body demanded that I do some things for it because I had been in this car accident and I, you know, I don't think I identified as disabled at the time, but I was, I was disabled. I struggled like I could have used a parking, an accessible parking tag so that I could park closer to a grocery store. Like that's just the reality. I've had to really deconstruct a lot of my own ableism to come to a place where I can feel comfortable saying those things. So I, I spent a good portion of my time as a mother with two young kids in a place where my physical body demanded. Like there just wasn't a choice and I had the privilege of being able to take time for nourishing my body, you know. 

Janna: Yeah, I mean, I, I would say I didn't experience a similar thing, but what's made me, made me got my attention right to look at this and be serious about this was severe burnout. And then I also developed a chronic bladder pain issue. And so, you know, it's very interesting.

Laura: Our bodies.

Janna: That both of us had bodies that were like, you have to listen.

Laura: You have to listen. You know, there's this book Wintering and I'm totally going to blank on the name of the author who wrote it. But that happened to her body was just shutting down and she just needed to go into a very intense state of rest. Wintering. 

Janna: Yeah. Yeah. When I hit burnout I, my motivation was gone. I, yeah. And, and at that point, I don't know, it's, it's more, it's a different state than the rest that, you know, you have half an hour of it and then you feel rejuvenated. This is a deeper, longer process. So if there's any motivation for us to rest, it's to never get knocked back there. 

Laura: I mean, so what do we do then for parents who are maybe or you know, my audience's parents, your audience's women so that we don't like, why do we have to get to this point where our bodies demanded of us in order for us to make that time? I just, I can't imagine driving a car and have it, have like 20 alarms on and not taking it to get checked out. We would take, you know, we would take our car to get checked out way before we take ourselves seriously. 

Janna: As you know, I always like to look at culture and so that we can have compassion for ourselves because otherwise it can feel like we're letting ourselves down. 

Laura: Yes.

Janna: But the truth is culture is letting us down. 

Laura: It is. Oh.

Janna: Yeah. 

Laura: That feels so good to hear.

Janna: Because otherwise it's like, why can't I do this? Why am I not? Am I not setting the priorities in my life? 

Laura: And our culture has made it nearly impossible for us to do that.

Janna: So I think the first step to this is knowing that you're not alone and that it's not your fault that you live in a culture that has perpetuated this. It has made it incredibly hard for women to get rest and to ask for rest and to even identify what's restful?

Laura: What's restful and what type of rest we need? 

Janna: Can you say those again? Those are really good. 

Laura: So I think like you're saying, I kind of coming to this place of self, compassion and awareness of we have needs for rest that aren't being met and that it's okay for us as human beings, human animals to need rest. 

Janna: And it makes sense that we've gotten to this point. 

Laura: It makes complete sense that we've ignored it for a while or you know, that it's been.

Janna: We've been told.

Laura: We've been told, taught, supported and ignoring. 

Janna: It's actually very beneficial to some members of our society for women to not rest. 

Laura: Yes. Yeah. The I mean, our capitalistic world, you know, particularly here in the west runs off of our continued not resting to.

Janna: Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. Just to be clear, we're talking about patriarchy. 

Janna: Should we label it?

Laura: No, no. I mean just like.

Janna: Say it out loud? 

Laura: Why not? Because it's a safe space.

Janna: Yeah, and I think the conversation around patriarchy is becoming a lot more nuanced. It's not against men, it's against patriarchy. 

Laura:  No, because it hurts men, too.

Janna: Yeah. And that's a societal thing that we're looking at that. You know, my husband and I had to go through quite a reckoning and.

Laura: My husband and I did it, too. We kinda did it at the same time. 

Janna: That is so cool. I forgot about that. 

Laura: It was so hard and good at the same.

Janna: So hard and good. And we just, you know, I really thought it was, can we talk about marriage for a second? 

Laura: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Janna: I really thought that I was in an equitable relationship.

Laura: Me, too. 

Janna: Right? Like our husband's feminist, right? 

Laura: I mean you know, my husband the best.

Janna: Totally. Love women fight for women's rights. But then I started, it was around the time where I experienced a lot of burnout. And so I was doing a lot of reflection and, and I started to look at my life and my daily activities and I realized I, and unfortunately I had to get to the place where I was bringing in about the same amount of income as my husband. That was like, what triggered it for me because before I was like, oh, well, you know, he's pulling his weight more financially, which is a whole other thing we could talk about, but not, not for this podcast. But, and then I started to realize, oh, but I'm the default parent, I'm there. When the kids get sick. I happen to work from home because that helped our family when, you know, it's hard when kids are in school, they're often not in school when they're in school. And I was doing the majority of the driving, most of dinners. It just wasn't. Yeah, there was a lot less time for me to rest and I was working full time as well. And so having that reckoning in our relationship really did help create more space for me. More of a voice for me. 

Laura: Yeah. And can we just acknowledge are meant for going on that journey with us? You know, my husband and I did book club. We do book club every now and again together, but we read.

Janna: That’s so sweet.

Laura: We read fed up together and that was really eye opening just to all of the things that I just do it for me. It's not that I've stopped doing a lot of the things I'm really the heart of our home. Like I really make our home beautiful and comfortable and warm. 

Janna: And also can I say spending time with you? I realize that is that it's delightful for you. 

Laura: Oh, I love it. 

Janna: It's a delight. It's a joy. I see you with your, with the things. I don't know how to describe it. 

Laura: But it is a delight for me. I love the idea that folks, my kids, my husband will come into our home and, and be surrounded with warmth and beauty. I love doing it. And I don't want anyone else to take that over from me. I don't want my husband to be me I don't want him doing those things. I just want him to value what I bring to, to our family.

Janna:  And knowing that you need it.

Laura: Acknowledge.

Janna: Time off.

Laura: To be able to do that.

Janna: Exactly.

Laura: that I am providing, that I might not be bringing in the money that he's bringing in. He might make more dinners than me. But when he goes to cook, our cookware is beautifully organized. The grocery shopping has been done and the food is in the refrigerator in a way that makes it really easy for him to pull it out and cook. You know what I'm saying? 

Janna: Oh, yeah. And I think it's as unfair as it is, to be honest, they didn't know that we were in those, like, they didn't know that that needed to happen. 

Laura: Yeah. They didn't know they haven't been, you know, and I, and one of the things that I think was so beautiful about coming out of these conversations with my husband is that it woke him up to all that he was missing. He went through a period where he was quite devastated to realize how not empty but just that life was more rich than he knew it was. And that he, that culture had not taught him how to be fully alive and present. And I think that that is, you know, before we went through that I would never catch him just standing at the window, delighting in the sunrise. My girls and I would oftentimes, you know, in the winter time, the sun comes up in our sun room and into our playroom in just these like most beautiful brilliant sunrises and the girls and I will sometimes just like wake up in bed and see the light and know what's going to be happening downstairs and we'll run down as a group to go. And now I catch him just admiring things like that and he just wasn't awake to it before and he was heartbroken to realize he'd spent his life 38 years missing on the texture and the richness of life too. So this is, I hope that nobody is listening, thinking that we just think men are lazy. We want, we want, they want, they need this. They need a full richer lived experience. 

Janna: Oh, yeah. My husband does a lot of the driving now in the mornings and he gets to benefit from having those conversations with his teens in the truck and he's a lot more up to date with her life and what's going on and otherwise he would be missing out on that. And so, yeah. 

Laura: This morning he was doing dishes. So you had taken one kid to school and he was unloading the dishwasher and unloading the dishes. And your daughter's friend was sitting there and he had this beautiful in depth conversation about her marketing class, her entrepreneurship class, you know, and he has just started his business. They were having this beautiful conversation with this. I don't know, 13 year old girl while he was doing dishes. And I'm thinking what a beautiful thing for this girl to experience this man who has started a really cool company, taking the time to listen to her thoughts, listen to her business ideas validate them. Well, he's doing the dishes. I know what a cool thing and good for him too. 

Janna: Oh, yeah. Good for all of us. So you guys read Fed Up, which I read as well. And then John read, my husband read Fair Play. You had her on your podcast? 

Laura: No, I had Gemma the fed up like fair play too. What else did we read? He read the one who's that? The Justin Baldoni book.

Janna: Man Enough?

Laura: Man Enough. He really enjoyed that book. 

Janna: My husband's not a reader so once in a while I can get him to pop in an audio book in his truck. And so it plays when he gets in there. You know, I just want to make sure that I hope this is coming across in this episode that we do not have this figured out, you know, like even, even in preparation for this, podcast conversation, Laura brought up the idea and the topic and I was sitting at the sink this morning and I just said, I just find the idea of rest really irritating. And I think, I think because it can also feel like pressure to make sure you get your rest. Like, you know, the most irritating thing people would say when I had young kids is like, rest, when they rest or sleep, when they sleep. I'm like, are you kidding me? I am trying to survive over here, like if I had a village. So I think for me. 

Laura: I think, I mean, the village conversation is a part of it too, but our human biology was promised a village, our genetics, our DNA developed under a village. 

Janna: Seriously. Even just having you here this week has been amazing.

Laura: One more person to help the dinner, help the dishes. 

Janna: Or even just after a hard conversation with one of my daughters and for you to be on the couch reading, but being there in the environment and for me to be able to debrief with you, do you have any feedback? Like how did that go? And like for me to otherwise it's just me by myself. 

Laura: Yeah, wondering.

Janna: You know, or, you know, talking to my husband at nine o'clock at night, 9:30 at night when we're trying to go to bed, right? We're all exhausted and stuff. But yeah. So I see this process for me as a lifelong journey. I think there will definitely be times in my life where I am able to do this a lot more. It's on my radar. I'm rollerblading. I'm going on my mat, I'm meditating. I love to, I love music. I find music very restful. So just popping in something loud in my office and just dancing around and, and singing and you like bath. So there are things that.

Laura: I like music and music and singing, too.

Janna: You like music and singing?

Laura: Yeah, I do. I like looking at beautiful things. 

Janna: Oh, you are good at that. I just have to say like it is so fun. 

Laura: A silly thing to be good at. 

Janna: It’s so fun. Like going for a walk in. We've been to many forests together because that's kind of what you do when you're here on island and she stops all the time. Look at this tree, look at this moss, look at this mushroom. And I have never, I thought I was an observant person but now I'm like, wow, this force is teeming with beautiful things. 

Laura: You know, I learned that from kids. You know, I think that parents of young Children do. There are opportunities for rest like good recharging, rejuvenating, rest built in to the fabric of your day with young kids. So if you're taking your kids on a walk, yes, it's hard. But so often we take our kids on a walk with some goal. We're going to get to the part, we're going to get a certain number of steps in. But if we drop into a childlike state of wonder and follow them, they do that very naturally. They're looking, they're noticing like.

Janna: Splashing and puddle. 

Laura: And so I think there's opportunities in the fabric of our lives. I was just thinking about like we went to one of your kids choir practices last night and it would have been so easy to sit there and be on our phones. But music is rejuvenating for your heart and your soul and you sat there, you did not pull out your phone and you just listened and basked in the music and then the delight of your child. And that was rest. 

Janna: Oh, yes.

Laura: It was really recharging for you and good for your daughter. So I do feel like there's opportunities but we need to reframe that. It's not just lying in bed or binging Netflix or scrolling Facebook, you know, like it's that there's these other opportunities to really, like, drop in to what's happening, you know, like, you know, sometimes, I dislike dishes as much as the next person. But sometimes if I approach it with feeling the warmth of the water on my hands with like the kind of the meditative energy it, it takes on a different quality and I don't, I don't have the ability to do that all the time. So I'm going to just get the dishes done, but sometimes there's opportunities for that or my kitchen window, like my kitchen has a window that I do the dishes and watch birds, you know, outside while I'm doing the dishes where I can find little moments of that for myself. And that helps me. 

Janna: Yeah, it's so interesting as you're talking because the intersection of, you know, if folks are coming from my podcast. They know I talk about pleasure a lot and it's so interesting. 

Laura: Pleasure and rest I think are deeply intertwined. 

Janna: Yeah. Like I would have said exactly the same thing, but I would have framed it as pleasure. So this is really cool to think of pleasure in this new light of rejuvenation and yeah, and rest so good. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I was at one point you asked me to say the different types of rest. So I'm just going to read them all. Okay. So I feel like sometimes I like to give people journaling work to do. So I would love to invite you dear listener to write down, just ask, write down some of these questions and then journal later or pause this podcast as you listen to it. So just ask yourself right now. How do I rest? What does rest look like for me right now? And are these things actually restful? Are they actually recharging, rejuvenating, nourishing and just, you know, start there and then.

Janna: How do I feel after? 

Laura: How do I feel after? Yeah. How do I feel after doing those things? Good question. Okay. I love it. And so then I'm going to give you the list of different types of rest and as you go through them, as you take a look at them, start thinking about what things you already do that fit into some of these categories, which of these categories, maybe you're missing right now or that you feel really exhausted in and need some nourishing in. Which ones you already do? Well, you know, because they might be there. So just write those down and spend some time noodling them, journaling through them, thinking through them. 

Janna: Yeah. Can I add something here? Watch out if you judge an activity. 

Laura: Yeah. So frame all of this through compassion and it makes sense.

Janna: And allow yourself if it comes up like this is a restful thing for me.

Laura: Write it down.

Janna: Put it down. 

Laura: Even if it doesn't make sense.

Janna: Because it's so easy to, oh, that's silly looks.

Laura: Okay. I will. Okay. So I'm going to share this and then I'll share one that I feel a little nervous about sharing. But okay, so the categories are physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual, sensory and creative. So one of mine that I feel a little silly about is an emotional piece. So there's times where the work I do is very emotionally heavy. I hold a lot of space, especially for the folks in my membership. You know, we are all working through having really challenging moments in our families and we're working through like reparenting ourselves in the moment while parenting, like kids do really challenging moments in their lives and it's heavy and it's a lot. And I am also personally going through this, this work for myself. And so I often feel very emotionally exhausted and drained and like I need to cry. And after I cry, I feel wrung out in the most delicious way. You know, I know some people feel that way after a hot yoga class, they feel like wrung out and limp, crying does that for me. And it always has, since I was a child, I would actively seek out things that made me cry so I could get that release. There's this book, Mister like Owl at home, I think, and in the book, there's this one small short story in it where he makes tear water tea and he sits down in a chair with his teapot and thinks of all the saddest things in the world that he can think of and cries into the teapot and then he makes tea with it and at the end he goes, it's salty but delicious, you know, and I remember reading that as a child and being like, oh, there's people like me. So I will purposely catalog movies that just make me ugly cry. And when I'm really emotionally drained watching one of those movies, I mean, it just feels so good.

Janna: Exactly what you need. Yeah.

Laura: You know, but that feels I've shared that with people and they're like, woah.

Janna: No, I.

Laura: So don't do that to yourself. 

Janna: No.

Laura: Just let yourself be.

Janna:  Totally like, I have a daughter who has a playlist on Spotify.

Laura: That just makes her cry. 

Janna: Yeah, a crying playlist. 

Laura: Oh yeah. Yeah. 

Janna: It's good. 

Laura: What something else that I do that is um let's see. I don't even, I, I don't know. No, I think that that's my biggest one. I'm like, is that really? Is that allowed? Is that allowed? Is that allowed?

Janna: It is allowed.

Laura: It’s allowed.

Janna: It’s allowed.

Laura: Do you have any that you kind of maybe would judge yourself for? 

Janna: I think the roller blading one, the roller blading one feels it still sometimes feel when I'm lacing up, you know.

Laura: Am I allowed to do this. 

Janna: This is a bit childish. I'm being a bit childish. 

Laura: Oh, can we just I hate that word childish. 

Janna: I know it's so judgy and so putting down.

Laura: Of children.

Janna: Of children and it brings me so much joy. 

Laura: I'm so glad you rollerblade. 

Janna: Yeah, I love it. I do find myself not doing it as much as I want to because of that. So like I said before, like this is a, this is a journey, you know, and sometimes I'll, I'll write in my journal, I'll say I want to do these three things today. So I wanna read. I want to, I'm just making it, you know, I, I want to read in a book I'm really excited about. I want to spend 20 minutes doodling in my, I like to draw and doodle and do some fun stuff in my journal. And I want to go for a walk and I will, it will get to like 2, 3, 4 PM and I haven't done those three things and it's just so fascinating to me. It's almost like I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. 

Laura: What is that? 

Janna: Do you ever do that?

Laura: 100%. 

Janna: What are you avoiding?

Laura: There's these things that I know I'll feel better if I do that. 

Janna: Yeah.

Laura: But it's hard. 

Janna: Yeah.

Laura: It's hard for me to self do it.

Janna: Yeah, It's so, it's so intentional and there's something about the intentionality about it that feels hard for me. I don't know. I think maybe that's another journaling question for you and I both know, you know, what do we find ourselves or do we find ourselves avoiding restful things? 

Laura: I mean, there's part of me, I know that there's a part of this for me. That's a worthiness issue.

Janna: For sure.

Laura: I know that there is, you know, that that's just not worth my time. My rest needs are not worth my time. There's laundry to do. There's, you know, you know, there's emails to write, there's work to do. 

Janna: I also wonder if I feel a little bit of pressure. If I rest, then.

Laura: Then you have got to make up for it and be productive.

Janna:  I got to see the fruits of it, the outcome of it. You know, I better jump up from that meditation 20 minute situation and go. 

Laura: Super productive. 

Janna: Yeah. Yeah. Be really grounded and my anxiety is gone.

Laura: And kind to my kids.

Janna: Not feeling, I'm feeling joyful. Maybe there's a pressure around an emotion. I need to feel that I need to feel happy and that's pressure.

Laura: And pressure kills pleasure. 

Janna: It really does. It really does. So this is a complicated topic. 

Laura: It's, and it's a work in progress and we started out having this conversation with no answers. And I don't know that we really gave you any answer, but we want you to know that you're not alone.

Janna: Yeah. Solidarity.

Laura: And that we're figuring this out together.

Janna:  For the rest of my life.

Laura: For the rest of our lives. And we don't have to do it alone. I do have to say Janna being able to coming out of my journaling with us a couple of days ago and saying to you what I was journaling on and you had also been journaling on the exact topic elsewhere in the house. I mean, that was really validating. We're not alone and it was really nice to talk with my friend about it. You know, it was really nice to, you know.

Janna: Find a friend, find a friend who's going to give you a me too. No solutions. No weird faces. Like, really? You think that? No, we just need a friend. 

Laura: Who’s going to say that makes sense. 

Janna: That makes sense.

Laura: And me, too. I love it. Jenna, thank you. 

Janna: Thank you. This is good. Could you imagine if we could do this every week? Oh my heart. 

Laura: It would be so nice. 

Janna: I know. But at least we got to do this one time and. 

Laura: Maybe we can do it again. It's not the same in Zoom. It's really nice being here and being able to feel your energy and presence and love. 

Janna: Yeah, it's, it's really cool having you in my office too now because I feel like I'm bringing your, I have your energy here now forever. 

Laura: Yay. 

Janna: Yeah. Oh, how do we wrap this up? 

Laura: I think, I think we did it. I could put something. 

Janna: All right. 

Laura: Thanks for being you. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 169: Loving Kindness Meditation for Busy Times

Well, I’m turning 40, and I have to say, I’m not sorry to say goodbye to 39. I did a lot of stretching and growing over the past year, and I’m ready for a period of rest! In the coming weeks, I’ll be releasing some episodes on the topic of rest and presence so you can join me on that journey. And I’ll start that today with a gift for you—a simple and sweet Loving-Kindness Meditation, a personal favorite for finding peace during stressful times. Tune in for a moment of self-compassion and explore the power of extending that love and kindness to others (and yourself). This episode marks not only a birthday celebration but an invitation to embrace peace and connection in your parenting journey. And as a birthday treat, all my courses and memberships are on sale at laurafroyen.com/birthday

Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Parent community. May this episode bring you moments of tranquility and connection as we enter a very busy time! 

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello, my dearest. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balance Parent Podcast, we're going to do something a little bit different. Tomorrow is my 40th birthday, November 22nd and to celebrate in addition to doing my annual birthday sale, which you'll have details about either in your email or in the show notes or a little bit later in this episode at the end. I'm also going to give you the gift of a loving kindness meditation for you to kind of carry with you into the holiday season. So as I'm recording this, Diwali is just finishing up, Hanukkah is going to be starting on December 7th I think it is this year, we're going to be moving into celebrating Christmas and solstice and a bunch of other beautiful festivals that happened during this time all around the world. And I know that this is a time that is really stressful and intense for a lot of families. And so I just wanted to give you a little touch point in this episode that you can come back to when you need a moment of peace. 

So this is I'm going to do my favorite, loving kindness, meditation with you. This is one that I do for myself, regularly that I find great joy and peace and reassurance in and I'm going to offer it to you. So as we start, you can assume a posture that is comfortable and nourishing to you, whether that's sitting laying or even walking. I always like placing one hand on my heart as I start. So you can feel comfortable with that. If you, you know, if you're comfortable, go ahead. And what we're going to do is we're going to start with sending some love and kindness to ourselves, bringing that peace and love and compassion in for ourselves. And then I'm going to ask you to expand it out in ripples like in ripples where you drop a stone into a still body of water. And we're going to just expand our awareness and our love and our intention out. And I really find that this practice is helpful for me, especially during moments where I have to maybe spend some time with folks that are difficult for me or if I am feeling lots of pressure or stress. So allows me to slip into a space of being more centered and grounded. So this is my gift to you as I turn 40 I hope that it helps you and that you can use it as a moment of peace and that you'll come back to it time and time again. 

Okay, so come to sit or rest or lay comfortably and just start to notice the place in the space where your body meets the ground or the chair or the surface that you're standing on, bring your awareness to that space. What does it feel like to have your feet resting on the surface or your rear resting on a surface or perhaps your back if you're laying and just notice it, as you breathe in and out, allow that awareness to drift to your breath, to the rise and fall of your chest. If it's comfortable to you, you can let your eyes come softly closed, that's not very comfortable for you. You can let them rest softly on an object in front of you, let them just drift to one place and let your eyes unfocused, continuing to breathe in, not changing your breath, but just allowing it to soften. And if it feels good, bring one hand to your heart and allow your focus to rest on the warmth of your hand, needing your chest. And now with your breath, as you breathe in, allow a little warmth to come from your chest into your hand, as your chest rises to meet your hand and then as you breathe out, notice warmth radiating into your heart, space, allow warmth and love and compassion just begin to kind of flow between your heart and your hand in rhythm with your breath in and out, just noticing that warmth and love flowing in and out, I'm keeping that warmth flowing. 

Repeat after me aloud, if you're comfortable or in a private space or simply in your mind. May I be safe and protected? May I be healthy of body and mind? May I live in comfort and peace? May I be safe and protected? May I be healthy of body and mind? May I live in comfort and peace? May I be safe and protected? May I be healthy of body and mind? May I live in comfort and peace? Expanding your awareness to someone in your family or in your home? Someone who is quite easy to love, perhaps it's a pet, perhaps it's a small child, perhaps it's your partner but whoever is easy to send these feelings to that they just flow so naturally, let's send them loving kindness now. May you be safe and protected. Repeating after me. May you be healthy of body and mind. May you live in comfort and peace, keeping that person firmly in mind that being, may you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May you live in comfort and peace. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May you live in comfort and peace. 

Now expanding our awareness out to someone you see on a regular basis but who is not quite close to you. An acquaintance, the person who often checks you out at the grocery store. The person who you see driving on your commute, your mail carrier, the Amazon delivery person, the person in the shop you go into who always has a smile on their face, find that person and let's send them compassion and love and kindness. Repeat after me. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind may live in comfort and peace keeping that person in mind. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May you live in comfort and peace. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy in body and mind. May you live in comfort and peace. Now allowing our awareness to shift and expand out again this time falling on someone in our life who we find a little bit more difficult to love. Perhaps it's a relative with whom we always seem to quarrel, maybe it's a person from whom we seem to feel judgment and criticism. Perhaps it's that coworker who's, who's difficult or conflictual. Find that person who just for whatever reason isn't quite easy and it's a little bit more difficult and join me in actively sending them compassion and loving kindness. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May you live in comfort and peace. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May live in comfort and peace. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May live in comfort and peace. 

Now, expanding out into your community, noticing those who maybe need a little bit of kindness and compassion in your broader family and your broader neighborhood in your community that's close to you. The teachers at your children's school, the clerks at your store and the, the folks who are running your local government, let's send them peace and love and compassion. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May you live in comfort and peace. Expanding out even further into our food system. The  folks who bring us nourishing food, both who grow it in the field and bring it to our stores and stock it on our shelves and the broader systems that we're engaged in our government systems, our civil systems let our media systems let's send them all love and grace and kindness knowing that they are humans and are worthy. May you be safe and connected and protected and connected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May you live in comfort and peace. 

Brought an out into our more global communities, the rest of our country. The folks who are walking alongside us in the broader communities that we're a part of our faith communities, our cultural communities, our world communities. May you be safe and protected. May you be healthy of body and mind. May you live in comfort and ease. And then bringing that focus back into ourselves, noticing how good it feels to send love and compassion to others, even others who may deem themselves undeserving and how hard it is sometimes to offer love and compassion to ourselves. And yet we are just as worthy and just as deserving. So in that spirit of trust that we are in fact worthy and deserving. Let's offer ourselves that love and compassion right now. May I be safe and protected. May I be healthy of body and mind. May I live in comfort and peace. 

Allow your eyes to softly open, coming back into your body and back into the room. That's my birthday wish for you that as you enter this season of light and joy and community and giving and connection that you know that you too are worthy of love and compassion and dignity and respectful treatment. And just know that I'm holding that loving kindness for you. 

If you are interested in learning alongside me in your parenting journey, just know that this is kind of what it's like and I'd love to have you there. You can check out all my courses and my membership they're all on sale for my birthday, just go to laurafroyen.com/birthday and you'll get all of the information there. If you are listening to this kind of outside of my birthday season, you can still go to that link. It will kind of redirect you to what I've got going on, but just know the door is always open for you. There's this place that's safe for you. A community of like minded parents that would welcome you in kind of no matter where you are in your journey. We were supposed to have a village, we're supposed to have aunties and, and parents that can help support us. And we don't often get that in this day and age and it's okay to create that for yourself. And if that feels good to have that with me, I would love to have you there. Be well!

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 168: Parenting in a Tech World with Titania Jordan

In this episode, we sit down with Titania Jordan of Bark, a highly regarded expert in the field of digital parenting and a founder of one of my favorite parenting groups: “Parenting in a Tech World.” Titania recently co-authored a book called Parenting in a Tech World. We had a lovely, in-depth conversation about how to raise kids to be good digital citizens while keeping them safe and connected to us and their friends.

Here are some of the topics we covered in this episode:

  • Digital Citizenship and what it means

  • Issues parents are facing with kids online 

  • Tips for parents who are overwhelmed in regards to how to talk to their kids about digital safety

  • Safer options for kids (including Bark Technologies and what they offer)

If you wish to connect with Titania Jordan, follow her Facebook group Parenting in a Tech World, Instagram @titaniajordan, Twitter @titaniajordan, The Bark Blog and her website: www.bark.us

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello, everybody on this episode of the Balanced Parent podcast. I'm going to be talking with Titania Jordan of Bark, which is a super cool company that aimed for keeping your kids safe in a digital age. But the reason I really wanted to talk with her is because she is the founder of one of my favorite parenting groups on Facebook. I know that parenting groups on Facebook can be a stressful place to be. Hopefully mine, The balanced Parent Community is wonderful and a good place to be. But hers is one of my other ones that I the very few that I pop into. So her group is called Parenting in a Tech World. And it is a wonderful place to get balanced information and see kind of what other parents are doing to keep their kids safe. And there are parents from a range of different perspectives from completely locked down to very free range with their technology, with their kids. And I love the space that is open to kind of that variety so you can find what you're looking for. So Titania, thank you so much for being here. I'm so happy to have you. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourself and who you are, what you do and then we'll dive in. 

Titania: Great. Yeah. Thank you for having me and thank you for that. Shout out, it's not easy to have a group of adults on the internet that people like to be a part of. So I really appreciate that. So who am I? I, I'm a mom, first and foremost of now high school freshman, which is insane to me. 

Laura: Congratulations. 

Titania: Thank you. Thank you. We've made, we've made it, we made it through middle school. It was not easy. So now we, you know, we'll talk about that, but I'm also the, the CMO and Chief Parent Officer at Bark Technologies, which is a company that helps to protect close to 7 million children now across the nation with our app that analyzes content on social media and text messages and camera rolls, etc. We offer screen time and filtering capabilities and then we have a safer smartphone for kids. And because of my work there, I saw just how much parents were struggling so much, how much kids were struggling, you know, the rate at which they were encountering problematic content and problematic people and their mental health was suffering. And so I created that group Parenting in a Tech World a few years ago to help parents have a place where they used Bark or not to come and, and gain learnings from each other because this is the first generation of parents that are having to parent in a world like this.

Laura: Right? It it it's kind of the wild west out there in a, in a certain way, right? And I it's very confusing. So my kids are um 10, almost 11 and eight and on one hand, I feel very fortunate because they go to a very small school that is completely media free and mostly technology free. And so even there, though there is still pressure from my soon to be 10 year old or soon to be 11 year old around, will she be able to have a phone? And so where I'm not even in the world of, you know, they don't have their own personal chromebooks, like so many families do, they you know, learning to lock things down is so confusing. So I guess I just wanna for our parents who are maybe have the younger kids or they're just dipping a toe into figuring out. Okay, how do I keep my child safe online? What are some like the very beginning steps to figure out for them? 

Titania: Sure. Yeah. So in order to keep your kids safe online, you need to first start with modeling because safety isn't necessarily about or safety isn't always just about the most dangerous content in people. It's about balance around screen time. And so safety can also equate to physical health and mental well-being, which means if you parent are always on your phone and I I'm not judging, I used to be that parent if you're not getting enough physical activity, if you're not doing enough connecting in real life with humans and it's only through social and text, you know, you start with modeling healthy behavior and, and having a balanced relationship with the technology in your life as an adult. So your children can look up to you and seeokay, that, that's, that's what I should be aiming for. Then when your children do have access to anything that can connect to the internet, it doesn't have to be their own personal device. It can be the home television that is a smart television that you can pull up Netflix or youtube. It can be smart home speakers. I won't say her name. But you know, if you say A L E X A, you can access a lot of content right away. 

So once you have connected tech in the home, make sure that you have gone through the steps of just Googling parental controls and the name of the thing, right? Parental control, smart TV, parental controls, Google home, parental controls, Alexa, parental controls, Xbox, parental controls, ipad, whatever your kid can access, make sure you have gone through the, the investigation and implementation of putting in the controls and the filters and the time limits. So now you're set up for success much like you are now in a car and your child has a seat belt on, right? But that still doesn't mean they're totally safe. So just like when you're riding in a car and you're looking out for distractor drivers or drunk drivers and you're following the rules and that sort of thing when your child is navigating tech, it's now time for the those conversations around sometimes no matter all of the safety precautions that we put in place you're likely to encounter something concerning, confusing. Scary. I want you to know it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It's okay to be curious and sometimes we just can't avoid what, what happens on the internet. But I want you to know I'm a safe place. You can come to me, you can talk to me and we can get into that in a little bit. But it's, it's those candid conversations about some of the toughest topics around mental health, um sexual content, et cetera that will really set the stage for a uh a better relationship later on. 

Laura: So I, you know, I don't know about you, but I feel like this is kind of a con like conversations that need to have similar to how we talk to our kids about bodies and sex. We need to be like not just one offs, they need to be sprinkled in throughout the, you know, woven into the fabric of our lives that we're having these very conscious aware conversations so that our kids know that we're people that they can come to that. We're, yeah, you were nodding sorry. 

Titania: Yes. So, I mean, it's, you're, you're exactly right. It's little, little deposits over time. You can't just, you know, when your kid turns 10 years old have a three hour dissertation around online safety and digital citizenship, right? Like I do not recommend that. So it's, it's little conversations over time. It's little deposits over time. You know, when they're younger, you can talk about tricky people and how if they're online, they might encounter somebody who at first seems really nice and is giving them compliments. But if they start to ask too much personal information, if they want to know your name or where you live, that's a red flag. They're trying to trick you and we don't ever give out that information. If you're driving and you get a text and you go to reach for your phone. That's, that's a teachable moment, right? Like, hey, oh, I really want to pick up this phone because it's so addictive. It's so addictive. But you know what, I'm not gonna pick it up. I'm not gonna pick this up. It's not safe. I could, I could hurt our family or somebody else. So it's, it's modeling, it's conversations, it's if you're on Instagram and you see something and you recognize that it makes you feel less then like, oh, my house is so not decorated well compared to that or I'm ashamed of my body, that body looks so perfect. You know, it's, it's a conversation starter for them to let them know, hey, I just went on social media and I was trying to disconnect or maybe connect and I felt bad about myself and, and I need to realize that this is only a filtered curated piece of content. We don't know, we don't know what sort of airbrushing went on. We don't know the full story. And I just want you to know that that can happen to you when you go on social. 

Laura: Yeah. Oh gosh, I love that. And I love that. I love that you're talking about narrating your own thought process because kids can't read our minds and they need to know that we're, we're all human and that this, this content is designed to have, you know, these technologies are designed in some ways to, to produce an effect on us. The ding on the text message just designed to draw our attention in the specific ways that some social media platforms scroll is designed to give us a little surge of dopamine. You know, it's important that our kids know this, I I when we, we have conversations like this around advertising and product placement in stores like target just tricked me. I picked this thing up, you know, on.

Titania: High level. 

Laura: Yes. Right. You know, why do they have this packaging? It's just so the kids ask their mommies for these things, you know, um it's the same type of really kind of conscious conversations. I really like it, you framing it like that. I would, you know, in the vein of these conversations, I would love to dive into this kind of tricky situation that a lot of conscious and respectful parents find themselves in. When it comes to their technology. So many of the parents that I work with and that listen to this podcast really want to be democratic in their homes. They want to be collaborative with their kids. They don't want to be overbearing helicoptering. They, they don't want to be controlling with their kids. In fact, there are many times they're actively working against being controlling with their kids. And at the same time, we know that there are very real safety concerns online. And we know that these young children don't have the brain development to make good choices online all the time. 

And we know that the, you know, the, the technology itself is designed to work with our psychology, you know, and so how can we find a place of balance as parents where we don't step into this place of being overly controlling? And yet at the same time, we're not permissive where we can keep our kids safe, but still feel like there's some mutual kind of working togetherness that this where our kids and we are a team together because this is the one topic where, you know, for the most part in all other areas of my family's home. I'm talking to you as a parent now, we feel like we're a team. But when it comes time for my, when my kid starts asking, when can I get a phone, a smartphone? She starts getting this sense of they're controlling me and that we don't have that in very many places in our, in our home, on purpose. And I want to figure out how I can start feeling like we're a team in this together with her, especially, you know. So she's 11. I know a lot of the families that I, that I listen to me have been with me since my kids were little. So their kids are kind of in the same area. 

Titania: Wow. I'm gonna take.

Laura: That’s a long question. Sorry. 

Titania: Yeah. No, I there's so many things I wanna say but I want to also make this concise, I guess the, the first question that I would pose to your 11 year old is what are you looking to do with the tech? You know, you, you really want a phone and maybe it is a phone you want. But what are the things you want to do with it? Because maybe a smart watch could fill the gap or maybe a tablet on the home wifi. You know, what are you trying to do? Do you want to communicate with friends? Friends? Okay. And if so how via text, via Snapchat, via whatsapp? You know, what are you, what are you missing out on? What, what would you like to do? Are you trying to create? I mean, would you like to, you know, create cool video clips or memes or gifts? Are you looking to stream music or podcasts? You know, what are the things you would like to be able to do and then let's figure out the the safest way for you to be able to do that because as a family, I don't wanna speak for you, but I maybe will speak for you now, in terms, you know, as a family, we support education and creativity and curiosity, collaboration, and connection. But as your parent, my job is to keep you safe in life and online. So I'm not going to willingly expose you to something that would cause you to become addicted or introduce you to bullies or extreme graphic, sexual or violent content or adults pretending to be nice who are really not nice. 

Laura: Mhm. I love that answer. We, I mean, we don't, we don't let our kids ride around on bikes without helmets or so to the park before they're ready and before we've had a lot of, you know, opportunities to see them being careful, you know? I mean, so I think that that makes complete sense. So I love that. I've done so much of that with my kid already. And so we've actually had a very similar conversation this, um, over the summer. And we found out she really just wanted to be able to listen to music. So I, I got her a simple mp3 player and she's happy, you know. 

Titania: Wonderful. 

Laura: Yeah. 

Titania: It's about problem solving together. You're a, you're a team and you can solve these problems together. 

Laura: Yeah, she does. She is starting to want to call her friends. But it's so funny because she's at the school, none of her friends have phones. And so I'm, I'm gonna, I'm starting a kind of a, to get the parents together to see if they will all, just, if we can all just get landlines. Like that would be my ideal situation. Wouldn't that be cool? Do you remember that when we were kids? 

Titania: Yes. Yes, I do. 

Laura: It’s so great. 

Titania: It is great. Yeah, landlines. I, I endorse, I don't even know what they cost these days. 

Laura: Honestly, I think that they're free with most people's internet services and we just don't have the, have them up. Yep. So, there you go. So, ok. So let's think about our kids are getting older and maybe they are ready, you know, maybe they're, my kids do have a, a very simple smart watch a gizmo that they share and use when they're going to the park by themselves because we do want them to have some freedom in our safe neighborhood or they go to the library, but when they're older they're in activities. I can understand why lots of parents would want their kids to have some kind of phone so that they can stay in touch. Know when to pick them up. Know if they're changing location. What are some options when kids are, when we as parents we are noticing like this would be convenient for me. What are some options, some safe options. And then how do we frame that for our kids so that we can have really clear boundaries for them for how to use it? 

Titania: Yeah, so what I would not do is give your child either a brand new or older handy down iphone. That would be the worst option. 

Laura: Okay, tell me more. 

Titania: For a variety of reasons. Iphones are not the safest option for children. It, it, it'd almost be like letting your kid's first car be a Ferrari like no, let's, let's start with a Honda 

Laura: A Honda, a Subaru.

Titania: Volvo, like whatever, something safe, you know, that doesn't go 0 to 60 in less than five seconds. Iphones are sleek. They're top of the line but they prioritize privacy and they are meant for adults and because they prioritize privacy so much, they limit and severely hinder a parent's ability to adequately monitor and, and collaborator with their child's, you know, growth and development digitally. Not only that, but iphones have had a bug for about a year in their screen time controls. So parents think they're setting time limits and blocking apps and kids are getting around them because of the Apple bug. 

Laura: Yeah, I've seen that so many questions in your parenting group on that exact topic. Yeah. 

Titania: Yeah, and that's, that's frustrating also, Apple isn't, doesn't work with third party platforms very well. So if you want to use Bark to monitor and analyze and manage screen time on your children's device. Bark works so much better with the Android suite of products. The Apple, it does work with Apple, but Android's better and easier. So if, and when it's time for your child to have some sort of connected tech so that you can communicate and so that you can track their location. I would say look at the, the suite of smart watches that are out there. Obviously, if, if that's your jam, I am, I'm biased and I'm not, I'm biased because full disclosure, I do work for Bark. We have a smart but if there was another company out there that had a better safer smartphone for kids, I'd be working for them. So feel free to do your own research and Google, you know, safe smartphones for kids or best first smartphone for kids. I strongly believe that the Bark phone is that because it's an Android because because it has the bark software built in like kids can't delete it, kids can't circumvent it. It's a fully functional Android device that if you want it, it can be it can, you know, have any app you want, it can do all the things, but most parents don't want that. And that's great because with the Bark phone, you can just make it so that it can call text a certain set of contacts and it can showcase location. So it's really a fully functional smartphone and that can grow with your child but can start out as we call it sometimes a dumb phone or, you know, sort of phone and it has the ability, you know, if your kid needs a certain app for school, like Remind or Canvas, you have the ability to allow them to download it from the Google Play Store. Whereas other first phones for kids sometimes only have a curated app store of a limited suite of apps that don't really, you know, appeal to the kids after you know, say age seven or eight so. 

Laura: Okay. Yeah, so that's a good, a good first one. So in your work, what are some of the trends you're seeing for kids first? Like first phones, how old are they tending to be? And what is your personal kind of professional recommendation for age at when when kids are ready for the responsibility of a smartphone? 

Titania: So before the bark smartphone existed, I would say that unless it's a truly dumb phone, flip phone that could only call or text, could not access the internet and even texting is problematic for kids. It's really important to delay. Delay is the way as my friend, Chris Mckenna says, guys, you know, the wait until eighth movement is a very laudable one. Any parent who waits until eighth grade is in the minority now, but I highly respect that decision and I think more families should do that, because the bark phone exists now there is now an option for families who do want their child to be able to call text, maybe access certain apps or websites safely within certain time, time restrictions. And that's really important too for families in dual households. Righ?. If you, if your parents are divorced and you're seven, you know, it's, it might be time for a smartphone sooner than if you are. 

Your family is, you know, one unit and you're all in the same house and you're 10. So it, it really depends on the age and the stage of the child, the family dynamics is the device as safe as it can be. Have you set up the limits, have you set up the filters, you know, it's also about what they can access. I do not believe any child under the age of 13 should have any social media period. You know, if not for the sole reason that the social media platforms themselves say you have to be 13 years or older to use them and even then 13 is still too young in some cases, in many cases. And it also comes down to the conversations when you do give your child this sort of access, make sure you have had the conversations with them because it really is a matter of time before they stumble across something problematic concerning even if it's just a spam text, right? They get a spam text and they're like, what is this? And you know, you need to talk about all of the potential outcomes. 

Laura: Yeah, I really, so I feel like you have helped me feel quite a bit less anxious about this because the what you're saying is that like the normal rules of conscious and collaborative parenting apply here, just keep doing those things and apply it to this new topic, right? 

Titania: Yes. And, and I would say, oh gosh, I mean, the the biggest thing you will see when you do give your child their very own device, right? Which that's another conversation around like, hey, if I if parent is paying for it and the service like this is this really a collaborative thing. This isn't like your own thing. The story, it's, you really gotta have that conversation about the addictive nature of I'm gonna give you this thing and it's gonna pull you in. You are going to move around less, you're going to play with your other toys less. You're gonna talk to mom and dad and siblings less. It is going to pull you in and we have got to have a balance, not because I need control, but because your mental and physical health and wellness is top priority. If you are not getting enough sleep, if you are not getting enough movement, if you are not doing enough things outside of this device, we're gonna have to make some changes and it's for your good. 

Laura: Yeah. Oh I love, I love that. And I think that that kind of circles back to this modeling piece of things too that you have to be super aware of your own practices. I'm coming off of a three month social media detox. I took it all off my phone. It's been blissful and that has been something that I've been kind of narrating for my kids out loud. What it's like why I chose to do it. How interesting it is, how I lose my phone way more often now because it's not glued to my hands. And the other thing that we love to do in our family that we have done in our family is we have a charging station in a drawer in our kitchen where my husband and I charge our phones. And so we've been modeling their entire lives that no phones go into bedrooms and that's just how it is. And so dad and I both plug our phones in at night. They don't come into our bedroom. So what my hope is that when they get to that age, that will also be, you know, that we'll just be like, that's what we do in our house. You know. I was talking to a mom the other day. And she has a, a rule in her house that whenever kids come in and come over to play that they have a, a bowl and all the phones go into the bowl and I'm kind of curious about what you think about that type of practice. 

Titania: I absolutely love it wholeheartedly. Endorse it. It's really sad when your kid gets to be the age where some percentage of their friends have a smartphone or a tablet and they come over and that's all they wanna do. They just want to sit around either looking at the one kid's device or they're all on their own devices. It's like, well, why are you together in the first place? If you at the siloed into your screen. Kids need to play, kids need to create, kids need to explore, they need to run around, they need to talk to each other in real life, face to face, learn nuances of emotional expression. The, the phones need to go in the bowls right now. You so you don't want to limit a child's ability to, you know, communicate with their parents or something like, hey, you can come and, and text, you know, whoever you need to. But what this time is not meant for is, you know, collective scrolling on Tiktok. Like that's not what this is for. You can do that on your own time. So, yeah, huge fan.

Laura: I love that. I read a a research study when I was pregnant with my first child. So this is 10 years ago, which is like, or I guess nearly 12 years ago, now. So a long time ago in the tech world, but they did a lot of interviews with teenagers. And one of the trends they found was that the friends whose parents had that rule, that was the popular house for the kids to go to, even though they didn't like the rule, they liked going to that house better. It was more fun. So I, I had decided on that role before I was even a full parent. Okay. You had, I had just one last question for you. You use a term that I don't think I've heard before. Okay. So it's probably gonna be two questions. 

Titania: It's fine. 

Laura: Okay, so the term was digital citizenship and I'm kind of curious about what that means and how we can support our kids in developing good digital citizenship. And that kind of ties into this my next question, which is about kind of this unique space that we the parents are in where one of the, you know, we're raising kids in this really digital native age. And we were some of the last parents to not have our early childhood inundated with this type of technology. And so sometimes I think that there's some fear and some overwhelm and like it's so different, it's so big. So those are the two things. What is also, oh, sorry, digital citizenship first. 

Titania: We'll start with digital citizenship and just like you and I were raised to say, please thank you. Maybe take our dishes over after dinner if you see somebody in, in pain or hurting, you know, tell a trusted adult, you know, it, it's a lot of things that we can carry over from our own experience growing up. Just digital. So let's say you're on a text thread and somebody is being mean to somebody else, don't be a bystander, instead be an upstander, stand up for that person. And if you don't feel comfortable in searching yourself and becoming a target yourself, tell an adult, you know, it's not okay to be unkind to someone online. And there's a fine line between teasing, right? Just having fun and, and truly being unkind and, and bullying. So kindness and empathy is something we really need to pour into this generation because it's a problem. Digital citizenship also looks like being, being smart and responsible with your PII that's personally identifiable information, you know, you don't want to get hacked, you don't wanna get taken advantage of, you don't wanna be targeted. 

So teaching them about, you know, using their real name and even little things like not using your social security number, you know, in an email and somebody asks for it, you know, there's so many things to, to consider. When you're thinking about being a responsible digital citizen and using terms like a digital footprint, you know, if you leave a footprint in the sand, the tide can wash it away and that's great. You'll never see it again. But anything you do online is a permanent footprint and even if the platform says it goes away or it disappears or deletes, it doesn't, it lives on a server somewhere. And even if it gets deleted after a certain amount of time on that server, what happens if somebody was sitting next to the person who received it and took a picture of it or a screenshot of it? It's just, it's a lot of rabbit holes. It's a lot of rabbit holes. But then that goes back to the modeling. Another big thing too is the FOMO, the fear of missing out or being left out. You know, when you have a device and you start sharing stories and that sort of thing. Think about the why behind the sharing, you know, did you get to go to the Taylor Swift concert? Are you excited to share with everybody? Maybe don't make that a public story, maybe make that just close friends because, you know, maybe not everybody can afford that concert or maybe you could only take two friends when you really wanted to take four. You know, think about how, what you're curating online makes other people feel. 

Laura: Hmm. Oh, that's an interesting aspect of it. Okay. Thank you for that.

Titania: A lot, a lot. But.

Laura: No, it's a lot and it, but it's good to be thinking about. I mean, we think so much when our kids are toddlers about those, please and thank yous. And how do I make sure my kids grow up to be gracious and loving and kind and I mean that worry continues online. Okay. So for the parents who after hearing this conversation are like, oh God, now I need to go Google, you know, you know, everything that parental controls in my child's device and I'm gonna be so overwhelmed. What, what can we do to lessen that overwhelmed feeling of like being a kind of being afraid of technology like there? I mean, because there's a part of me that just wants to like ostrich moment. It just stick my head in the sand like it's not gonna happen. They're gonna go to this tiny little school and never have technology for the rest of their lives. It's just, I don't have to worry about it, you know, but so we can't do that obviously. But what can we do to start ourselves in learning but without really feeling overwhelmed and keep our kids safe. 

Titania: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you need to give yourself some grace, right? Because no other generation of parents has ever had to parent in a town like this. So grace, deep breaths and baby steps, step by step. You don't need to figure it all out all at once. All in one day, we talked about the Facebook group, feel free to join that and just start to kind of be a lurker browse. See what your parents are dealing with. Feel free to ask a question. What's your most pressing question today. What's the one thing you want to focus on today? Maybe it's a gaming console, maybe it's a certain app you want to download on the family device and see if it's safe enough for them to play. Google is your friend. You know, thankfully, we as parents do have search engines now at our disposal to get answers to questions, we don't have to turn to encyclopedias and our pediatricians with everything. Also keep in mind that it is, uh you know, it's a constant, a constant tweaking. It is very, very relational, lots of conversations and you can learn honestly by participating with your child. Let's say your child wants Roblox and you've done your research and you're like, there's some pros and there's some cons maybe sit with your child, download it together, go through the steps together. Chances are they'll teach you some things, you'll teach them some things and then you can look at it with your adult lens and see, hey, is there a chat feature in this game where you, you can talk with anybody who's online, adult or child? Okay. That's really cool. But also potentially scary. Here's some things we should talk about. So step by step one at a time, don't let your child have access to something that you yourself have not navigated yet. 

Laura: I think that that's a big thing for, you know, so many of us are slow to get our kids on technology because we're not into it. You know, I, I grew up in the time of, you know, Atari and Nintendo, but my parents didn't let me have video games. And so, like I have, I have, I still don't know how to play video games, you know, as a 40 year old person and I never really had the desire to. And so when it comes to like, learning how to navigate minecraft or roblox, like I don't have the person personal desire to, but my kids might one day and so maybe you should check it out, you know. 

Titania: be a kid again, you know, they're figuring it out for the first time. Do it with them. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah, I really like this. The idea of making it relational to something that you can do together youtube is one of those things that we only do together in our family, even youtube kids. You know, I, the, the stories, I'm sure you hear so many stories from parents but the stories of the content that I hear my clients, you know, kids have come across on, on youtube. That is one thing that we literally only watch it when the parents are sitting right next to the child. 

Titania: But smart. 

Laura: Yeah.

Titania: Very good. 

Laura: But I, I like the taking a similar approach to other things that they're wanting to dabble in for those of us who have our, our kids kind of locked down on screen. Sorry, this is the last thing.

Titania: You can ask as many questions. 

Laura: Oh, I, I really do appreciate this conversation for those of us who do have our kids kind of locked down or who maybe the kids just aren't terribly interested or we're not up on it yet. So we haven't gotten them things like minecraft and Roblox. How can we navigate that from a place of not wanting our kids to feel left out of their generation? Because that is one thing that I, I feel interested about for my kids because they are going to this very small technology free school where they're not abnormal in their own setting, but the neighbor kids all play games and they don't even know what they are, you know. And so I kind of, and they will eventually go into a public school setting. So I feel kind of like, how can we help our kids, you know, navigate that well and consciously without just like having them play something so that they don't feel left out so that they can actually make a choice. Do I want to play this because I have FOMO or do I want to play this? Because it actually looks interesting? You know what I mean? 

Titania: Well, so you mentioned watching youtube as a family, you know, good news is if, if your Children want something or interested in something, they're going to talk about it, right? The kids are the best advocates for what they want. So if they come home and talking about, you know, so and so and so and so has Minecraft, I really want to play it and you can be like, cool, let's go to youtube as a family. Let's type in what is Minecraft or tell me about Minecraft and let's watch a video about it. Let's see what it is. 

Laura: Interesting, yeah. Okay. 

Titania: You know, and let's get to get to know because then your kids can kind of learn the lingo and feel like they're a part of it without actually downloading it. And then if you decide, you know, it's almost like cliff notes, right? 

Laura: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. 

Titania: I wasn't allowed to watch Beverly Hills 90210, you know, in fifth grade when everybody else was, but you better believe I was looking through the TV guide to try to just get some nuggets so I could participate in the conversation a lot. 

Laura: Absolutely. Yes, I love that. Oh my gosh, that's so helpful. Thank you so much. Um, ok, so I just want to make sure you, you know that we finish up this conversation by letting our listeners know where they can go to get support. So can you drop kind of the name of your? I'll have the links and everything but some people are audio people and they like to hear it. 

Titania: I love it. I get it. I'm, I'm, I'm always multitasking and playing a podcast as I'm doing all day. So I get it. So yes, easy, easy to remember name, Parenting in a Tech World, what we're all doing right now. So if you go on Facebook and you go to the search bar and type in parenting in a tech world, you'll find my Facebook group. It's got close to 400,000 parents in it. There is so much support and information in there that, that we can help you with. And then if you do like to consume content like reels and be kept in the know about, you know, different teams, slang or trends or apps of what you should know. I'm always creating Instagram reels. So you can look at my name in the show notes and just Google search me and I'm, I'm on all the social places as my name. So yeah, that's some sources. 

Laura: Awesome. Thank you so much. I so appreciate the help you're giving this generation of parents and navigating this really tricky world. So thank you so much. 

Titania: Absolutely. Thank you for your platform and all that you do to help. 

Laura: We're in this together. 

Titania: Yes!

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 167: Sitting with Discomfort with Jenna Hermans

On this week’s episode on the Balanced Parent Podcast, I will be joined by Jenna Hermans, a co-founder of Be Courageous and an author. We will discuss her new book "Chaos to Calm," where she shares a purposeful and all-encompassing strategy to find serenity in your daily life. During this episode, Jenna and I will dive deep into the topic of sitting with discomfort order to deepen our authentic connection with others (and ourselves). 

Here’s an overview of what we discussed:

True definition of calm (it’s not what you may think!) and its importance in gentle parenting

  • Implementing calm in the midst of a busy life

  • Relationship between high performance and true calm 

  • How learning how to sit with discomfort can build your capacity for being more calm

To help you even more, check out jennahermans.com and follow her on Instagram @jennazhermans, LinkedIn jennahermans and get the resources you need.

Resources:

Chaos to Calm - A book that simplifies daily tasks to prioritize self-care by Jenna Hermans


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent podcast. We're going to be talking about how to navigate discomfort and trying in difficult times with our kiddos and really digging in to the idea of how to be truly calm, not stuffing it, not trying to hide your feelings, but actually calm with your kids. And to help me with this conversation, I have a wonderful expert on the topic, Jenna Hermans. She wrote a beautiful book called Chaos To Calm. And I'm so happy to have her here at Jenna. Welcome to the show. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? Who you are, what you do? 

Jenna: Yes. Thank you, Laura for having me. So I am a mom of four. I have a 16 year old, 15 year old, 13 year old and six year old. And I, I know we've got a, a broad span there. It's fun. I am the co-founder of be courageous, a transformation agency. I am the author, as you said of Chaos to Calm and I am a high performance coach.

Laura: Okay. And so why don't we dig into this topic of how to navigate difficult emotions, I think and discomfort? I think a lot of us when we were young were raised to avoid feeling uncomfortable, to get out of those feelings as quickly as possible. And so we don't know how to navigate them and then we grow up and we become parents and our kids have all sorts of negative feelings because, hello, they're human. That's just part of life and it's really hard for us to sit in those spaces with them and with our own discomfort. So, why don't you? Let's talk a little bit about it. What are your thoughts? 

Jenna: My thoughts are that so often as parents, we want our kids to be happy. Right. And that's what our parents wanted for us. And so in, in the service of happiness, we we and them, our parents did the disservice of not approaching discomfort from a place of curiosity and how to have positive coping skills to work through the discomfort, sit in the discomfort but rather to be like, oh no, you're uncomfortable. Let me move you to happiness. Let's see what we can do to, to transport you from this uncomfortable situation, right? These feelings that you're feeling and put a veil on it to make you happy and in doing so we now as adults are, are set up in a way, right? We've been programmed that when we feel this discomfort, right? Whether it's stress or anxiety or whatever it is, it's like, oh no, there's something wrong with me because I don't know, I shouldn't feel this way. I should need to be fixed. 

Laura: Yes. Yeah, it needs to be fixed. What are the consequences of that for us? What, how do we experience those consequences? Like the you know, what is the outcome of that suppression, that kind of masking?

Jenna: You know, on an extreme level, mental illness, right? Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, you know, all these different ways of, of what I would like to call negative coping skills. Maladaptive attempts to, to cope. 

Laura: Yeah.

Jenna: Yeah. And so that that's on the extreme end and on the non extreme end, there's overwhelmed, there's constant stress which leads to physical health issues, right? With cholesterol levels going up in your heart having a hard time and you know, a hair loss, sleep loss, all of these things that physically happen to our bodies because we are not in processing our emotions in a healthy way. 

Laura: Yes, I love that. Okay. And so for those of us who grew up in homes where we weren't allowed to have our feelings and they were, we were shoving them down and now we're faced with kids and we're attempting to show them in another way and we all we hear in the respectful parenting world is to share your calm, lend them your calm. And most of us don't literally don't even know what that means. We just think that means stuffing stuff down your feelings, put on your Mary Poppins voice and you know, okay, sweetheart, I see you're having a hard time, you know, you can feel the oh the tension in your throat. What should we be doing instead? Like what does calm actually mean? Like it's not that stuffing feeling. I know that that's what we think it is. But it's not what does it actually feel like to be calm in the midst of discomfort?

Jenna: So there are actually a few answers to that question, right? All the directions go everywhere. So the definition of calm is when your nervous system is not reacting to something outside of you in a negative way, right? So you're not feeling fear, you're not feeling scared or rather you're feeling them, but your nervous system let me back up, you're noticing these things but you're not, but you're, your body is not responding with flight, fight or freeze, right? So calm is really about your nervous system. And when you have a relationship between how you experience the outside world and how your body is reacting, right? When you understand how your body reacts to context and events, then you have a better opportunity to own your nervous system responses, right? Because so often, right? Like our nervous, our nervous system doesn't know the difference between seeing a tiger and thinking holy cow. I need to run because it's going to eat me or getting a call from our boss. That saying, you know, you're late on a deadline, right? It doesn't know the difference. It says your life is in danger, react, right? And when in fact, you know getting the call from your boss is not a life or death experience, your body doesn't actually need to release that amount of cortisol that then you know, stimulates all the other responses in the body that make you stressed, overwhelmed your body. You know, the, the sweat that starts and the headache and all the other ones that are, yes. So calm is from my definition, one, it's, it's understanding what's happening in the environment allowing yourself to interpret it. Right. And to get your nervous system regulated and to get your nervous. And a lot of people think that, you know, you have, like you were saying, like you have to be Jen, you have to have quiet and slow in order to be calm or to squash it down and just put on a happy face. But truly calm is about flow, calm is about being able to be in your best state. Yes, it's different for everyone. 

Laura: Yeah. And you know, I love the, you know, when we look at regulation, everybody thinks about down regulating, but sometimes you need to upregulate too. So self regulation is about having the energy and ability to meet the demands of the environment that you're in. You know, sometimes there's times where, you know, if you are at like, you know, a big like crowded amusement park with your kids and they're running everywhere. You need to be a little activated. You know, you can't just be chilling calm, you know, and slowly meandering while they're running ahead. 

You know, you need to be at a kind of an excited level in a good way, in a positive way, not a super stressed way but to keep up with them, you know, and so I, I love that you're talking about the nervous system that way, it's really helpful. How do you recommend parents who maybe are just in the early like noticing phase? Right? So like that noticing comes first, that awareness comes first and they're noticing. Okay, so these things are happening, I'm giving them a story. My nervous system is getting activated. How do they start that process of learning how to get in tune and start regulating? 

Jenna: So the first thing to do is to validate, to validate yourself, validate your kid, right? And when you're feeling the emotions that you're feeling, the things that are starting to show up, like, you know, you're at the amusement park and you can't find your kid, right? They run ahead and you're running after them and you're stressed because they're running ahead. Validating. Yes, this is a stressful moment and why, why I'm feeling overwhelmed because I can't keep up with my kid, right? And that's, that's difficult. And if we were to take ourselves, let's let's maybe use a different example than the amusement park because that's a very unique situation, not an everyday situation.

And I would love for your listeners, right? For all of you listening to bring this back home a little bit. So let's say your, your kid threw blocks or a toy at your other child at their sibling and you're so angry, stop throwing blocks and they, you know they're throwing blocks, maybe it's the older kid throwing into the younger kid or something. Let's say that that's the example. And so firstly validating yourself, validating your kid of understanding what's going on for you and your child. So for your child, it may be that we'll just say he that Peter, right? Peter, the your elder child is having a rough day is their younger sibling seems to always get what they want and Peter doesn't get what he wants and, and he's so frustrated with his younger siblings. So he throws the blocks at him because the sibling wants the blocks. He doesn't want to give them over and he's going get out of here little kid, you know, throwing the blocks and so going over and saying I understand you're so frustrated with your brother because he wants the blocks and you don't want to give it to him. You want to play with them, you're playing with them first. And that helps to the validation of someone's emotions, helps to calm the nervous system straight away. You know, you realize, okay, I'm safe to feel what I'm feeling. I don't need to squash right. Squash it down. I don't need to pretend. 

And as an adult we do that all the time, right? That we feel like I my emotions are not valid. I should not be feeling this right now. So the first thing is validate understand and approach with curiosity, right? If we're not with, whether it's your kid or with yourself going, hm. Why, why is my body responding this way? Why am I feeling this way? What's going on that's leading me to feel so anxious or so upset or have this reaction? Right? And it could be earlier in the day, right? Might be, oh, Peter, don't throw, you know, the blocks at your brother and then come the end of the day, Peter, stop it. Oh my God, I've asked you so many times, you know, and being able to look at yourself with curiosity and say, why is it now that I'm, I'm responding with this much bigger emotion and bigger response than I was than I did earlier in the day. 

Laura: Yeah. Why do you think that that happens to us as parents? You know, what is your hypothesis? You know, if you were that this, this is happening for you, why would it be that, you know, earlier in the day we have the capacity to stay calm, but later in the day, we have less capacity. What are some of the things that are getting our way? The roadblocks?

Jenna: Oh my gosh. I mean, everything the day, you know, we start off the day where we hopefully right that we wake up, it's all fresh. We have the best intentions for going out and having patience and creative problem solving and being the best parent partner, boss colleague that we can be. And as the day goes on, we get fatigued, right. We, we get decision making fatigue. We have the energy drain. We are giving so much of ourselves in so many ways and we tend to not refuel ourselves during the day. 

Laura: Yeah. I feel like we do things that we think are going to refuel ourselves that actually drain ourselves even more like scrolling through Tik Tok. You know what I mean? Like I feel like there's things that we could be doing that would make us us have more capacity, kind of widen that window of tolerance and yet we don't do that and we go for things that, you know, we think are going to be good because they give us a quick hit of dopamine, but they also contribute to a more activated nervous system. You know what I mean?

Jenna: Absolutely.

Laura: Like the social media and those things. 

Jenna: Oh yeah, or you know, the idea in the afternoon, I used to get such a strong sweet tooth around 23 o'clock, right? And so what would I go for? I'd go for the closest sweetest thing that I could find. And in turn, truly, that would reduce my energy so much versus grabbing something that was healthier or drinking water, something that I know would actually fuel me and give me energy versus that temporary, right? Like you said that temporary dopamine effect of like, oh that just tastes so good, but it didn't fuel me in the long run. It just tasted nice in the moment and not to say that that's not valid in of itself, have the nice tasting thing. But if we're trying to have that sustained energy and not be yelling at our kid at the end of the day, right? Or have more patience throughout sustained throughout the day. It really is being intentional about what am I doing with those times in between when I do find myself in low energy, how do I bring myself back up or how do I have moments throughout the day where I'm anchoring in energy, giving, behaviors and habits and doing things that fill me so that I can have sustained energy throughout the day?

Laura: Yeah. Okay. So can you give our listeners some ideas of what those might be like? Even if they're just the things that you use? I can share some that I use? But what are, can we like generate some ideas for our listeners for things that can refill that cup kind of give you that more sustained energy?

Jenna: Oh my gosh. Yeah. So there's connection is one of them, I'd say like connecting with someone you care about, right? Whether that's a text or a phone call and I'm not talking, you know, scrolling on social media, not, not social connection, but rather, or I guess it is social connection but not on a, on an app. Actually, I use Marco Polo. I love it.

Laura: I love Marco Polo. I was reading a research study earlier this week. This, over the weekend. I know this is so nerdy but I was, that's what I do with my free time sometimes. But they were, they were looking at the connection quality of different types of interaction that you can have with your phone. And video chats are like the highest but audio phone like audio phone calls are also quite good and texting is at like the bottom of the list. Like texting doesn't even like bring us and like even close to the level of connection that we are we really are looking for as humans. It was a fascinating little thing to read. Yeah, but I think Marco Polo is really cool. Yeah. You know, I mean, the, I mean, so the thing, people who don't know what Marco Polo is, it's a video kind of like a video texting thing. So you video to people and then they can join you live or they can watch it later, right?

Jenna: Yeah, essentially. Exactly. It's like a, a, a, pre-records, facetime, right? You, you record your video, send it over and yeah, they can look at it when they're ready and respond when they're ready. And it's a beautiful thing. It's, it's how I keep in touch with so many people in, in my life who don't live nearby or that I don't get to see often. So I'm so grateful for that. So connection being one way to increase energy during the day, another is movement could be going for a quick walk. I have a hula hoop right behind me here that I do throughout the day, you know, getting and just being in nature, standing outside, feeling the sun on your skin, the wind in your hair. 

Laura: The grass under my feet. That's a big one for me getting that like outside getting the, the sounds of nature. Yes, I love those. 

Jenna: Oh, absolutely. And it could be also like a little rest, a little mental rest. Body rest, whether that's taking a few minutes to close your eyes or that's taking a few minutes just to sit in, in quiet. Right. Or to, sometimes it could be that you're listening to music or to a podcast. Those are ways to get energy to only if they feel fuel you. Right. And I think that's one thing to call out is that every person is different and, you know, different in what fuels them. And so maybe for an introvert, you know, connection is, is not necessarily what fuels them, but reading and reading a book, you know, could be that. So there, there are various ways and I, my offer is to try, just try things and see, see what works for you. 

Laura: Yeah. No, I really like that. And I, I like the idea too of modeling this for our kids, you know, saying out loud. Oh, I'm having a little bit of an energy slump. I'm gonna do X, Y and Z and see if that helps, you know, would anyone want to join me? I like it when we can involve the family in those types of things too. Although of course, we're allowed to do things just by ourselves as moms because we don't get that time enough, you know? Okay. And so I, the la I, I think one other piece that I feel like we kind of, we were touched on at the beginning is this idea of sitting in discomfort. And I really did want to just dig into this because it, it's hard for us. We, our kids, you know, are expressing some kind of displeasure and we want to make it better, we want to fix it. We ourselves are experiencing some kind of negative emotions and it's very hard to just sit in it or hold space for it with someone else. And I think that oftentimes people don't even know what that looks like because they've done it so little. Can you, can we talk a little bit about like the fundamentals of kind of sitting with discomfort? 

Jenna: Absolutely. And so I to, to piggyback on what you were just saying, right, that we as parents tend to want to just move past the discomfort or scoot it under the rug. You know, an example of this, let's say is that your kid, you know, you, your family pet dies. Let's, let's use that as an example for a moment. Your family pet dies and it's sad. Right? Like your kid is probably really sad and it might be that your gut reaction is say it's okay, they're in a better place now. You know, we'll get another animal, we'll get another pet and just be like, no. And what that, that's saying to your kid, right is, it's not okay to be sad. it's not okay to feel your feelings, let's do something that's going to make you happy, replace the negative feeling with a positive one, right? Feel grateful that they're in a better place.

Be excited, we'll get a new pet versus again validating, right? Like this is really sad, you know, I, I loved our pet and I know you love our pet and let's talk about it. What, what does this feel like for you? What are you thinking about? Right? What, what's going on for you? Totally. And so by sitting with the discomfort of sadness, right? As being one of those, you know, sad, those emotions of the discomfort, sitting with it. We're modeling that one. It's ok to feel sad, it's okay to be uncomfortable and that it's it is okay. Also to lean on someone you care about to process this, right? It's, it's, it's okay to process, it's okay to take your time and to also model, being able to connect with somebody to work through your discomfort together.

Laura: Yeah, and, and use each other to, you know, to that co regulation piece I think is so important, especially with our little ones and they, they are still learning how their nervous systems work. And they need our help getting their nervous systems regulated. Okay. So the, the example of a pet dying is a big one, right? And we're talking about a kid's first experience, maybe with grief with real tangible grief and loss. And I think most parents will agree like, yes, of course, we need to be there and be present for, you know, my listeners will agree. But let's talk a little bit about the more everyday circumstances where our kids experience like the disappointment that their sibling took the last cherry popsicle and they're just losing it over the fact that they can have a cherry popsicle. It's so easy to dismiss their feelings in those moments. It's so easy to say, you know, no, you can have the cherry. 

But look, there is grape isn't grape your favorite, you know, like it's so easy to do exactly that with these smaller moments. And I think it's so important to recognize that that just because it's not those big kind of life moments. Those are the small everyday ones. They're still learning how to navigate real feelings. Like the feeling of disappointment. That's a human experience that we're always gonna have. We are literally nearly every day. We're going to experience some level of disappointment for the rest of your life. You know, that's just part of it and it's not a bad thing or a sad thing or a bad way to look at life. That's just being human. You know, and I feel like we're rob, we rob our kids the opportunity to learn in a safe context when we dismiss their feelings even though I know we have the best of intentions. So how do we, I think that you did a beautiful job of talking about how to sit with the child's discomfort, the child sadness, you, you explained that very well.

But I know so many parents feel their own discomfort and they, that's what's motivating it. It's we feel so we want to relieve their suffering so much. And so like it's almost like, ok, so yes, we've got to grieve our, the pet too, the family pet, but we also have to grieve our ability that we can't make the world perfect for our kids. You know, like we, we, we can't do that. And so how, how do we as parents learn to sit with ourselves and kind of hold ourselves in discomfort when our kids are having a hard time or going through something hard so that we can't support them? I feel like this was a really long question. I'm so sorry, Jenna. But you know what I'm saying? But it's an important one. 

Jenna: Yes, I do. And it's a really important one. And it's something that I've dealt with. We've all, we all all as parents, right. We all deal with that of not wanting our kid to be uncomfortable and the discomfort that we feel when, when they are suffering through something so hard that we can't fix for them. And it's hard, especially like when there's a even bigger crisis, little crisis, whatever it is, we had a big crisis in our family not that long ago. And it was, it took everything out of me. And what I realized in that, in going through that crisis was one, my children's life is not mine. Right. We have, I cannot control their lives. I can't do this for them. They need to figure it out on their own because that's, it's their life. I can help guide, I can create support. I can role model, but I can't do it for them and I can't change how they think, right? Their mind is theirs, their behaviors are theirs. But what I can do is be a part of it with them and to know for myself that when I, at night, when I'm sitting there and like, oh my God, what's going on for them right now? And I can't do anything like I can, but I can't, right. Owning what I can control and what I can't is knowing that I'm doing everything that I can do that's within my realm of control. And the rest is a part of their story. The rest is a part of their story. And that discomfort that I sit with is mine to own and I journal myself into oblivion, working through that stuff. Oh my gosh. What is that? Sorry, go ahead. 

Laura: No, I was just going to ask you like, what are some of the things you say to yourself or that you recommend people, you know, that cultivating that kind of self talk? But what are some things we can say to ourselves to, to soothe ourselves in those moments when it is uncomfortable watching this happen for our kids, even the bit, you know, even the little stuff, the like, you know, sitting with a kid through not being able to have a cherry popsicle, you know, I know that that's small stuff and thank heavens it is, you know, they will experience big stuff later, you know, but when they're five, the cherry popsicle is the big stuff, you know, how, what, what, what can we say to ourselves in those moments?

Jenna: We can firstly say this is temporary, this moment in time, this discomfort that they're feeling, this discomfort that I'm feeling this is temporary. It's not, this moment is fleeting, right? It will be different in not just in a day from now, but it will be different five minutes from now, right? And that this is temporary, it's all temporary. And that by being able to feel the that discomfort, right? And be able to move through it and process it and get on the other side of it is building resilience for the bigger things. 

Right. So, it's like I, I want my child to not always hear the word. Yes, I want them to not always get what they want because that's helping them build, you know, strategies to hope and move forward. Right. So that those little things now, the popsicle, which is a big thing for them, but in the grand scheme of things, right? It's a little thing, these little things add up when you can work through and process that sadness, anxiety, discomfort, overall with those micro moments, then you have a muscle that you're helping your kids to build for those bigger things because the older they get, the more complex those struggles become. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. What about for if, when you are experiencing this and the discomfort is telling you this isn't a big deal. They need to just get over this like they, they're making a mountain over Mole Mole Hill. Don't let the small stuff, you know, like those, you know, like those things that maybe we heard as kids and those, those things start coming in because I know lots of parents start to get a little afraid that if they don't teach the kids how to, you know, be tough and have grit that they won't ever have it. So what would you do in a circumstance like that where you've got some of that self talk happening, 

Jenna: You know, I would go back to the validation, right? If it's a big thing for them, it's a big thing for them. And, yeah. 

Laura: So what about for you? Can we talk about validating ourselves? 

Jenna: Yeah. Of course.

Laura: You know what I mean? Like, like saying, like being able to say to you, like, yeah, I can see it makes sense that you'd be worried about that, you know, like just to yourself, you know. 

Jenna: That radical self acceptance and validation. I, I wish my kid didn't act that way and, and oh, okay. I noticed that I'm having this big reaction to my kids big reaction, right? And I would firstly, right? Take a deep breath, they're a child, right? This is that this is them working through their stuff and as they get older, they don't have those coping skills yet. They don't know that this isn't a mountain, this is a mountain to them. So for us to say again, this is temporary, this is their emotion of where they're at right now and accepting them as they are, helps us to calm down when we, when we meet our child where they are instead of having an assumption of where they should be or what it should be like if we get rid of those shoulds, we relieve so much of our own pressure that we're putting on to our kids to be something that they're just not and or they're just not yet.

Laura: They're not ready yet. Yeah, I love that. Oh, thank you so much, Jenna. Okay. So how are some of the ways that you kind of proactively implement calm in your life? So, that's something I'd like to offer people as a kind of, as we wrap up. Our conversation are some, like, strategies and things that they can go out and do and try right away. So, so what are some of the ways that you implement calm in your life?

Jenna: Oh I mean, so many what I take care of my self care that is kind of step one for me for making sure that I'm getting my fundamental needs taken care of and that helps me with my calm and I have a fun acronym that I use for what I call the brilliant basics. And the acronym is cheer the basics of calm basics of self care and the acronym cheer C stands for connection like we talked about earlier, right? So connecting with and and it's it's connecting with what's outside of these walls, what's under this roof, what's in your device, right? It's connecting to you really but doing it through people you care about and through nature and spirit, right? Of feeling like you're more than just a mom, a partner, a business owner, right? All these labels and pressures and things that we, that we say that we are but connecting to who we are inside and feeling ourselves. 

So that's number one and that could look like just sending a text to a friend or doing a Marco Polo video or just standing outside for five minutes like we talked about earlier, right? These are rejuvenating things, but they're also self care and I think very basic because we do this for our kids, right? All of these five things that I'm about to share all things, make sure that our kids do, but we forget to do for ourselves.

Laura: We do. It's amazing how we're so good at making sure kids take such good care of themselves and then we forget to do it for ourselves. Okay. So what is H? I’m excited.

Jenna: Okay. So is hydration, right? As we're sitting here with our drinks right now, it is so important, right? Making sure that I'm just getting enough water during the day. It sounds so simple, but that's what makes it a brilliant basic. The first e is along with hydration. It's eating, eating well, being mindful about putting food in me. That is fuel, right? Good fuel for me. So eating instead of like just eating the crust off my kids sandwiches or whatever their leftover is from breakfast or dinner. But making sure that I'm, I'm actually fueling my body. We make lunches for our kids, we're preparing breakfast and, and thoughtful dinners and all of this. But again, not for ourselves.

Laura: Right. Yeah, absolutely. 

Jenna: The second e is for exercise, for movement. Right. Just getting some movement going and again, it doesn't, it can be just five minute walk. It doesn't need to be this whole thing of like, 45 minutes to an hour. Get your heart rate up to a certain level. It's like, that's great. Absolutely. But for us, busy parents who don't have all that time or the prioritization of time goes elsewhere, just getting a few minutes of some movement, get your heart rate up just to touch, do some hula hoop. 

Laura: What I love about your hula hooping example is that it's a really embodied and joyful practice. You know, I really love movements and exercise. That is really about getting into your body and moving it with joy in a way that feels good. You know, that's not filled with shame and punishment. You know, that is really about celebrating and nourishing your body just like good, nourishing foods.  I love movement that really feels good. And one of my favorite is a dance party with my girls. You know, that really just feels good where in our body are feeling juicy. It's just good.

Jenna: That's the best. I love dancing and, and that's like you put on a song, do a 2.5 minute dance party by yourself in the middle of the day and you can't go, I, I don't know how I wouldn't be able to go into the next thing that I'm doing without a smile on my face.

Laura: Exactly 100%. Okay. And so what's the R? 

Jenna: The R is rest. Rest. Yes. Right. And that's an umbrella of things. 

Laura: Yeah. I think in this culture we think we have to earn rest. Can we talk just for a second about deserving rest? 

Jenna: So rest is, is, I mean, a fundamental need of the human body and the human spirit. It's, it is not a, a good to have, you know, at the end, it's not a bonus point that you get for having done a, you know, you've done a great job so far today. You can now go and sit down finally. Yeah. No, no. In order to show up as our best selves, right? To show up as our best for our kids, for our partner, all the things, right? If we all know the feeling of not having enough sleep, we all know that feeling and how crappy we are and, and how we show up with, you know, just we're so impatient and we are not great about being creative problem solvers and we want what's easiest, not necessarily what's best in those moments, right? But when we rest, when we take care of our energy by trying to at least get as much consistency, sleep as possible and then giving ourselves moments throughout the day to have a brain break, right to go and have that little walk, get away from the screen for a little bit that it really fuels us to come back and do better than if we hadn't rested. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I, I love the idea that rest is a human need. Obviously, you know, sleep is a human need, but talking about other forms of rest, I think it's hard for parents. You know, we feel guilty and lazy when there's so much to do, but it is a human need and it's ok to have it. Jenna, thank you so much for this conversation. I do want to make sure that our listeners can find you and find your book. So where are, where can they hook up with you? 

Jenna: Thank you. So, I have a website, Jenna Herman's dot com and that's where you can learn all about my speaking and workshops. I have a blog and a newsletter newsletter goes out twice a month and so, and it doesn't fill your inbox, right? It's not a long one because we're all busy and this is about calm. So making sure that the newsletter is also calm and the book you can find anywhere books are sold online at Amazon Target Barnes and Noble as well as in your local bookstore. And if they're out of stock, just ask them to get it for you because then you're supporting local while to your calm.

Laura: Yeah. Beautiful. Okay. Well, Jenna, thank you so much for being with us. I appreciate you taking time out of your day to share this with us and I, I just, I really appreciate you and what you're putting out into the world so much. 

Jenna: Thank you, Laura so much for having me. This was such a pleasure to connect and to have these really important talks. Thank you. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 166: Siblings of Spirited Kids: Compassionate Strategies for Families

In this week's episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we're trying something a bit unique. If you've been a listener of the podcast for awhile you'll know that occasionally members of our BalancingU community graciously permit us to peek into their coaching sessions. Listening to their experiences can be incredibly enlightening, and we understand that many of you might face similar challenges and have burning questions. I have had several requests to do an episode on siblings of challenging children, so when the question came up in my community, I asked if we could record the conversation for the podcast. These insightful conversations of supporting siblings of behaviorally challenging children offers a rare glimpse into the challenges, triumphs, and questions that many of you may resonate with.

So today we discuss:

  • supporting siblings of children who may be behaviorally challenging, explosive, or going through a complex developmental phase

  • minimizing the impact of intense child's behavior on your other child(ren).

If you found this episode helpful, please consider sharing it with others who might benefit from this conversation. 

Our BalancingU community members get to have conversations just like this with me each an every week, and we’d love to have you join us for them! If you'd like to explore this opportunity further, simply click here to find out more!


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go! 

Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Dr Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent podcast, we are going to be talking about supporting siblings of children who are behaviorally challenging, explosive, perhaps ner divergent or who are simply going through a really tricky period of development. So I'm going to use the term explosive or behaviorally challenging to describe these kiddos. And before we dive in, I just want to say that I have so much compassion for them. I don't want to be other in my discussion of them. So I want to frame this conversation, I guess by just saying now I know these kids are challenging or spirited or explosive kiddos are doing their very best given the circumstances that they're in. And the nervous system and neurobiology that they've got going on. It's just a simple fact that some kids have less capacity to handle the ups and downs that life gets thrown that life throws at them. 

They have less ability to stay regulated in moments of big frustrations and feelings.  And I, so I don't want to in any way frame these kiddos as a problem for their family or wrong or bad. We need these kiddos and our families as we'll discuss later in this conversation, we're lucky to have them. They need to be met with compassion, support and grace. And at the same time, the truth is is that sometimes when we as a family are faced with some of the parts that come with having one of these kiddos in our family, we experience significantly increased levels of stress. If you are a young child and you have a sibling who is regularly losing control of their body or their voice or their volume, when there's yelling, kicking, screaming, really hard and scary stuff going on. It makes sense that that's stressful to the siblings and honestly, it's stressful to the other human beings in the house, the adults. So the conversation that we're having today is not to vilify anyone um or make it seem like it's anyone's fault. It's just to bring a little bit broader context to um supporting a family where there is a child who's having a really difficult time for a variety of reasons.

Thinking about like all the people in the family in the family system. If we all have these kind of raw tender nervous systems right now, because things are stressful. Wouldn't it be so wonderful if we were all actively looking as a family to figure out what can we do to widen those windows to bring that level of stress in the home down. And, and start taking responsibility for, for that rather than putting the responsibility on, on kind of the one person who's maybe, makes the stress more visible to everybody else. Kind of taking some ownership in the family system that, hey, yes, this one kid is maybe having a hard time and we as a family are going to make adjustments for all of us to take care of all of us. So that when those hard times happen, we're more flexible and less brittle. We're more able to be resilient instead of being kind of easily bruised and hurt. So we're going to be specifically focusing on the siblings, but I will be talking about the family to in this conversation. So this question came up because one of my balancing new members asked it for our weekly office hours every week. Folks in my membership, get to submit questions and then sit down with me live in a private room uh and get their questions answered. 

So this question that came in from one of our members and she allowed me to share it with you and it was echoed by several messages that I got from you after my first episode back when we came back in the beginning of October. And so I felt like this topic was one that you would probably be very interested in. And I think that there's probably something in here for everybody who has, has more than one kid. While some of us are dealing with more extreme behaviors in the home. We all have times where if we've got more than one kid, the, the other one might need more of our time and attention and we want to figure out how to balance support for both kids at the same time. So here's the question from my community member, how do I go about minimizing the impact of my intense child's behavior on my other child and my spouse. How do I support my typical child during these times? When by necessity, we are spending a lot of energy on my other child. 

So I'm going to start off by just saying that I'm really glad for this question and for this invitation to have this conversation, we are human beings, individuals who are embedded in a family system and the same is true for our kids. So what's going on for one person as an individual in a family trickles down to the other members of the family? When one person is having a hard time or experiencing a lot of stress, the atmosphere and the environment of the home is affected by this and this is true of all family members. So if a family member is experiencing stress in the outside world or just simply within their own bodies, it can affect the other family members. So kind of what I'm going to be talking about here when we're focusing entirely and specifically on the siblings. Really, the message is the same for everybody. So I'm going to give you some specific things you can be doing for your kids. And if you, you know, maybe you're not experiencing having a child who is heightened or reactive or explosive right now in your home, but you yourself are experiencing a lot of stress or your partner is um or another relative that your child comes into contact with these recommendations fit there too. This is about figuring out how to make a home feel safe and secure to everybody in it. So even if this isn't your exact situation, I hope you'll still listen and take some of those pieces home for yourself. 

So let's just dive right into why having an explosive or highly reactive child can be stressful or problematic or challenging for a sibling. So simply being in an environment where there is, you know, loudness or, you know, kicking, screaming, fear of bodily harm, things, breaking doors, slamming, all of those things are stressful to the human nervous system, especially for young kids. So there just might be a heightened level of stress. You might also start seeing some internalizing symptoms in your kiddo who's kind of maybe on the receiving end of some of this explosive behavior or just witnessing it, you might see them be more anxious more jumpy, more worried about things. You also might see them starting to do some of the behaviors that they're seeing, kids as we know, process what happens to them through play. So you might see an uptick in aggressive behaviors in play. You might see an uptick in some problem behaviors at school and all of that would be to be expected in a situation where a child is having a stressful time at home in their home environment. 

So let's talk about what we can do then to support our child who is a whose sibling is having a hard time. First and foremost, making sure that that child has some one on one time with their caregivers is vitally important. I think it's really important that they have some time at home alone to play with a parent, but that they also have some fun experiences out in the community. Those two things are important because one, if your home, if you want your home signaling safety, then your child needs to have a lot of good, safe, positive experiences in the home. If that's hard to be happening right now, when their sibling is home, it can be really impactful to have the sibling who's having a hard time off doing something else. Fun or maybe utilizing some respite care if you have access to it through a family or a family friend or a relative or another caregiver so that you can have some alone time in the home with your other child. This would allow their nervous system to kind of calm down. It would let you have some one on one time for play, especially if they're younger and it might just let them have some time, some peace and quiet in their home. 

I know for myself as an introvert. I need time alone in my house where no one else is there. And I don't have to worry about the emotional needs of anybody else to fully relax. And I think kids are the same. Another piece that you can be doing is really starting to help a child. The sibling develop good self care habits. Hopefully you're helping your, your other child do that too. If your other child is having explosive behaviors is very reactive, likely their system is turned on a lot and they need a lot of good self care too. But um since we're focusing on the siblings, just know that everything that I'm saying really applies to kind of everybody in the family yourself included. So making sure that they're having access to good nutrition, I mean regular routines and rhythms around food and sleep. And then helping them figure out what personally helps them feel safe and grounded. So whether that's snuggling up with you and reading a story, having cozy clothes to put on when they get home from school, so that they feel safe. I have one kid who immediately likes to change into her, these like, fleecy fuzzy pajamas and that's kind of what she lives in at home. She feels really safe and cozy. Fiiguring out what they need to decompress from a day, especially if they've been out at school, that's stressful too. And then they come into a home that's also stressful. Figuring out what they need so that their home environment can signal safety. And that leads to the idea of creating a really safe space for each of your kids.

Letting them figure out a way in your home where a place where they can go to feel super safe and secure and comforted, is really important. Oftentimes for kids that's in their room. If your sibling, if your kids are sharing a room and one child has this explosive or more challenging sibling, making sure that they have a space that is just theirs, even if it's like a corner of your bedroom or, a little tent in the corner of the living room, making that with them, get them on board and work together, ask them what would help them feel safe, what would help them feel comforted and put in it, the things that they like to do. So, some of my things that parents that I've worked with, they would make a little basket with art supplies and books that they love. Some families like to use, have a little Alexa speaker in that space so that they can ask for podcasts with headphones. 

So for if your environment is loud sometimes and a child needs to have some sensory kind of protection, having some headphones that could block out noise or that they could listen to some soothing music or podcasts or audible stories that they like um is a good option. There's lots of ways to do this and really, ultimately, what it comes down to is sitting down with your child and asking them what would help you feel safe at home? I want to make a little space for you to go when things maybe get tense here or things get loud and you want to feel really safe and cozy. Where should we make that? What are your ideas? What would you like in it? How would you like the rules to be about who can go in and who can't really work collaboratively with them to make that safe and cozy space? And that can be a part of self care. Other self-care things that kids like my kids like to do are things like coming home for a bubble bath after after dinner. If you have your kids in lots of activities and you're in a stressful period in one of your kids' lives, check in with your kids and see if those activities are a source of support for them. 

Or if they're an additional source of stress, some families have find that if one sibling is having a really hard time and home doesn't feel super safe, making sure that their child is enrolled in other activities that allow their child to blow off steam and have fun and connect with other peers where they don't have the stressor of those sibling interactions is better for those kids for other kids who maybe are more introverted and need more downtime. That this stressful time period when their sibling is having a hard time isn't the right time for them to be doing a lot and engage in a lot. They need more downtime and they can still get that space and that distance from their sibling while having that downtime, they don't need to be out in activities all of the time. 

Okay. And so then the other piece too that I think was really important is um seeking out supportive care for your, the sibling of your I guess for all your kids, I mean, if you're in a situation where you're having lots of explosives, explosions and lots of meltdowns, most likely you all could benefit from having someone outside of the situation to talk to whatever that looks like for your family. But for these kiddos who have a explosive or difficult sibling, it can be really beneficial for them to have someone outside of the family system to talk to who is entirely on their side, who will meet them with unconditional positive regard that as much as we want to be that evenly balanced as parents, we just can't be that person in most of these situations. It is really hard to straddle that line of being unconditionally supportive and accepting of both kids at the same time when one is, you know, having a really hard time and the um the other one is kind of catching the brunt of that.

So take some pressure off yourself if you have, if you can and if you have access to it and get your kids separate therapists. So I've been very fortunate. I do want to recognize the privilege that therapy for my children is covered by my health insurance. If it wasn't, I'd be seeking support from the guidance counselors at my kids' school. As a first step, I'd also be looking into free community support options like group therapies. There are some great groups for siblings of kiddos, either with medical diagnoses or mental health diagnoses. That can be a super great source of support. Another option that isn't tapped into very frequently is looking into clinical psychology or marriage and family therapy training programs. So if you have a university or a college in your town that has a master's degree in social work, clinical psychology, counseling, psychology, marriage and family therapy, and any of those fields, those therapy related fields, oftentimes that university will have a practical clinic where those students are practicing and community members can access those services at a pretty reasonable cost. So that's something else to explore. 

I know you can, people can feel a little bit nervous about using student therapists, but the research on student therapist is actually that they are quite effective for a number of reasons. One, they're not typically very entrenched in their modality of therapy, they had a chance to kind of get stuck in doing things one way. So they're more flexible and responsive to a patient's needs or to a client's needs. And the other one is that they are in the midst of learning. So all of their methods that they're being taught are kind of state of the art are fresh and new in their minds. And then finally, they're also being supervised. So you not only get this therapist, but you get their teacher helping and supporting you on your case.

So, I can't speak highly enough of student therapist opportunities. So if you have those and you're needing a therapeutic option, that's more affordable, seek out the training clinics for universities in your area. So in addition to having a space for your child whose sibling is having a hard time to discuss and get their feelings, seen and heard outside of the family, it's also really important that you create spaces and opportunities for that to happen inside your family. 

So making sure that you are giving them the opportunity to be honest and vulnerable about their lived experiences with their sibling and in your home. It can be really hard to hear some of the things that they might say. This is why it's important for you to have your own therapist or your own social support networks so that you can hear your child and meet them with kind of meet their needs and not put yours on them. So that, because I do know that it can be hard to hear things like that they're scared of their sibling or that they don't like their sibling. And if you aren't able to really meet that those statements with acceptance and validation and empathy, you need to be getting your own support before you have those conversations with your kid, hopefully you're getting that and you're able to meet your kid with with empathy and support and validation. They need to be able to say the hard things they need to be able to express fully how they're feeling about the circumstances that they're in and when they can, then they can start to see the nuance in the both and that they love their sibling. And it's hard and sitting in that place  of kind of incongruity with your child is really important, being able to sit there in the tension of I really love my sibling, but this is hard, is so important that you sit there and just hold that space for them without trying to solve it without jumping right into. Okay, so what can we do to make it better? They just need some time to be heard and listened to. So I think it's really important just to clarify too that, you know, I recommended getting some one on one time with them. It's important that that is one on one fun time that's not focused on kind of recovering from, you know, run ins or difficult times with their sibling. So pro coming circling back and processing hard things with their sibling is kind of separate from having one on one fun and positive time. So you need both for my kids. Most of the time that processing happens, they're older now eight and almost 11, they usually need 20 minutes or so of that in the evening at bedtime. So normally that looks like they're getting ready for bed, they need to offload stresses from the day. Sometimes I hear about siblings, sometimes I hear about people from school. But most of the time they just need a chance to kind of offload with me. 

And so that happens in my room, snuggled up in bed with the door closed and we have a privacy policy that those things that they talk about with me are private um giving them that safety and security to be able to express kind of the hardest thoughts that they might have about their sibling and know that they will be met with love and acceptance and that you won't repeat them or think anything badly about them for having those thoughts is really important. This is also these times can also be a really great opportunity to do a little bit of education with your child about what their sibling is going through and what's going on for their sibling. So figuring out ways to share developmentally appropriate information about  a diagnosis that your child might have the difficulties that they're facing. And really framing them from a place of compassion and grace and everybody is doing the best that they can. So I think educating our kids on their nervous systems can be really helpful at this point in time.

So I had a guest formerly on the podcast who on the show taught about this owl tree and dog kind of analogy for explaining the nervous system that I really loved. So the tree is our nervous system, the dog represents our fight or flight system. And the owl in the tree is our, why is the owl our executive functioning and kind of prefrontal cortex who does all of the good decision making and listening? And so I've explained this, use this with my kids, they find it really helpful. But the idea is is that when our owl is in our tree, we're able to make good decisions, we're able to respond respectfully and compassionately. But when something happens and we get scared or nervous or anxious or worried or angry or frustrated, those things can start making our dog that's sitting under the tree feel very nervous. 

And when that dog feels nervous, what does it do? It starts barking. Right. And if a dog is barking under a tree where an owl is sitting, what do you think the owl will do? Right? The owl will fly away. And so what's happening when you know your sibling is having a hard time is her dog has started to bark and her owl has gone away. So when she's kicking or screaming or slamming the door, she's not really in control of herself because her owl isn't in her tree. And what she needs right then is for her to feel safe enough for her dog to feel safe enough to stop barking, calm down, settle down. So her owl can come back to her tree. And that happens to you too, you know. So make sure you help your child who you're talking to understand that this happens for them. It happens for us. We all have a tree, we all have an owl. We all have a dog and different things make our dog start barking. So for, you know, one child, it might be seams on their socks, really scare the dog really make the dog feel uncomfortable and itchy in their skin and he starts barking and that's why shoes get thrown across the mud room when we're trying to get ready for school in the morning for another one. another person's dog might really get upset and frustrated when they're interrupted while telling a story and that might be the thing that makes them start barking and makes the owl fly away from the tree. And then all children's dogs and people's dogs have different things that help them settle down and feel safe again. And this is a great opportunity to start exploring what helps your child's dog feel safe and start discussing what they think that helps their siblings, dog feel safe. You can also share what helps your fight or flight system start to soothe and come down and come back into a state of regulation. 

And this is a great time to be generating ideas for things you can be doing in creating that safe space and coming back to this conversation, this is not a one and done conversation, but having some shared language that the whole family knows about what's happening when someone has triggered an in fight or flight and having those reactive moments can be really, really helpful. The more you use this language on a regular basis, the easier it will be for your child to tap into compassion and into grace. For themselves and for others in those moments, using this analogy has been so helpful, it allows my kids to understand their playmates at school themselves. Me and my husband when we lose our temper because it absolutely happens. And I, I really feel like those are having that shared language, whether you use that language or not, you might find other language that works better for you. But having a shared language within your family, so you can discuss it really can be helpful. And of course, then, you know, I, I don't know what's going on for every family who's listening to this.

So I can't get into the specifics of how to discuss you know, specific diagnoses. We're talking kind of in general terms. But if you are working with a therapist, if your child is working with a therapist, if you've got an evaluation and have a diagnosis from a doctor or a neuropsychologist, those folks can often provide really great resources for teaching um about the specific diagnosis that your child is facing. The other piece that I think can happen for siblings of a kiddo who um is challenging, especially if we started making adjustments and lowering demands for that kiddo. That's a huge area of recommendation is start if, if a child is consistently getting thrown off or having difficulty meeting expectations, the expectations clearly need to be adjusted or reduced so that that child can stay in a nice kind of window of tolerance and let their nervous system start to settle down a little bit so that they can then problem solve and actually have the access to the skills that they need to be successful and meet our expectations.

So a big step is often reducing expectations. And oftentimes siblings can see that start to happen with their other sibling and feel like it's not fair. Feel jealous, especially if we've, you know, we've kind of kept how we approach parenting the same for one kid, but we've become very different, more collaborative out of necessity with the other kid. I would just say that that's an invitation if your child is noticing some of those differences, like for example, how come he gets to talk to you like that? But I can't or you know, how come, you know, he doesn't have to take his plate over. But I do. So again, you could have those conversations about what is what each person, each individual is capable of on a different, you know, very various days. One that's filled with compassion and with grace. But let that also be an invitation to having a one on one conversation. That's not about the sibling, you know, that's having a hard time, but with the sibling that's kind of complaining about the differences in how both are treated, let that be an invitation to come into. You're noticing that you're not being treated in the, in the same way. Is there, is there some adjustments you'd like to have in our day to day interactions? So I don't wanna talk about, you know, your Yes. Right now, your brother isn't taking his plate over to the dishwasher. He's not able to right now. I'm helping him with that because he has other things that he's working on. How is it going with you and taking your dishwasher over the table? Is there anything that's getting in the way? 

Well, I just don't want to. Okay, I, I totally understand that what's hard about it and you go into problem solving with that child. I think that these, these kids that come into our lives on these intense spirited, challenging kids. They, they are here to kind of wake us up and shake us up and to highlight the areas of parenting, even like super respectful parenting where there's a little bit of injustice in them. Many of these kids are very finely tuned in to what is just and um if they are already inviting us to make those shifts with them, why not spread that shift out to the entire family community? Start being more collaborative with your other child is basically what I'm saying. Sometimes I know, you know, for, for me, when we have one kid who, who is, you know, takes up more energy, more energetic space in the house. We sometimes it feels nice to have one kid who it doesn't have to be a big discussion every time, but just because the other kid is able to meet our expectations on a more regular basis without becoming explosive or challenging, doesn't mean that they not like equally in need of adjustments or um that they wouldn't benefit from becoming us, becoming more collaborative with them.

So even if they're not having explosions, they might still really be benefit, they probably will still really benefit from us, you know, helping them solve problems together, us inviting them in to take ownership for their problems that they do have. So I think it's a really good thing to let our more intense or spirited kids kind of give us all a call to action so that we can be more collaborative in our family in general instead of just focusing in. Well, this one kid needs it this way. I'm gonna keep doing everything else, the same with these other kids. At the same time there, I know that for some families, there's a triage type of situation and you do have to, to go where they, the need is highest. 

Okay? And so then I think the last thing I really wanted to highlight um is the importance of your social support network. And the impact that having these challenging kids can have on our own well-being and on the well-being of the marital relationship if you're parenting with a partner. So I know for me personally, in this past year, I have had a very deep and radical lesson in setting my boundaries for myself, learning to care for myself in a different way. Learning that when I give and give and give, I become even more raw to and open to kind of the emotional upheaval that's happening elsewhere. And when I have good boundaries for myself, when I have good self care, and I don't mean bubble baths, I mean, a therapist, I mean, joyful movement, I mean, good nutrition and good sleep. You know, those times I'm better able to be there for my other child, for my child who's struggling for myself and for my partner. I think it's really important that if we are in a state of where one kid is having a really hard time that everybody else in the family system has their own sources of support. So get to a therapist yourself. I can't, you know, overemphasize how important that is, even if you feel like you're not gonna have anything to talk about, you will, you'll get there and you'll have something to talk about. I also think, you know, making sure that um you have some way to check in on your relationship on a regular basis. So having a regular time where that, if you're parenting with a partner that you are able to check in on are these, are, you know, how are things going for us? How are you doing? How am I doing? How can we support each other? Are we turning in, you know, and being a, a team, are we leaning on each other? 

So if you're parenting with a partner that you are cohabitating with, that you are married to, I, I can't understate the, the negative impact that these challenges can have on that couple relationship. It makes complete sense that in the midst of these explosions, your tensions would be higher. Your, you and your partner's windows of tolerance would be lower. You might be more short tempered, you might kind of take out some of the stress on each other because, you know, you have that safety and security of an attachment relationship with your partner to fall back on. But it's really common for conflict to increase between couples. And the, the thing about that is, is that while it's natural, it also feeds into the cycle of insecurity and anxiety in the family system. It contributes and adds to it. Children form an attachment like relationship to um the the couple. And when it's not going well, it increases anxiety and symptoms in kids. And so if kids are already having heightened anxiety and then parents are too and then parents are fighting more then the kids are getting more anxious and it's just this like negative cycle that feeds into each other and while you might not be able to intervene and get your kids to kind of stop what's going on for them, the couple relationship is actually a place where you have quite a bit of control over things, quite a bit of power. 

So there's tons of research to support that. If couples who are facing some of these challenges can turn in towards each other can get support through counseling or marital coaching can learn to communicate better with each other, learn to lean on each other for support, improve that couple relationship and that couple friendship that has positive effects, that trickle down to the kids. I just wanted to, so I, I was talking about this with my membership community and this was one of the the recommendations I gave during our coaching session. And afterwards, one of the, um one of our members had this to say, I just wanted to play her comments about this specific topic because it really highlights and I mean, it's easy to hear it from a professional but hearing it from an actual parent who's in this situation and has benefited from working on the cup of relationship. I think is even more powerful. So here's one of my community members, 

Lindsey: I also just wanted to like highlight italicize and underline, the, the fact that for so long, I think that, my husband and I had like, gradually been under more and more marital stress around our challenging parenting journey. And it was, as much as you hear that advice to like, really strengthen the partnership. It's sort of like you're like, but chicken or the egg, like we were fine and now we have a problem. So if we can solve the problem, which is how hard our kid is, we'll be back to feeling less stressed and more connected. And it was so revelatory to me when we did this incredibly intensive couple's experience in the spring with the intention of, of reconnecting that we shifted some of our child's challenges in ways that are unbelievable to me. It's not that we created his challenges. But I think as like the the the culture of the household increased in stressed over time, like his ability to perceive his unwelcome like capacity to topple us as a couple in a way, like he doesn't want to do that. That's exactly he needs us to not topple from each other. And so that was just increasing his, his issues in certain ways, even though they, it wasn't the genesis. And I feel like that is like, I, I don't know how I, I don't know if I could have ever understood until I saw the, the difference that it made how huge that is because you hear it. And you're like, yeah, that makes sense. But it's like to really see the impact has been such a game changer. 

Laura: It's really important to me that this community that I have my balancing you membership feel really safe and secure a place where people can be vulnerable. So I really appreciate this member allowing me to use her voice. I, you know, in order to keep our membership community really safe a place where they can feel like they can be themselves, be authentic, talk about the really hard moments without filtering themselves, they need to know that their names and that their kids' names won't be out there to be heard on the, you know, on the internet and on a podcast that is consumed around the world. But I really appreciate these moments where they do allow me to share some of the conversations that we have and kind of so that there can be a peek behind the curtain moment for everybody to be able to listen in on. So while I re-recorded my answers for most of this podcast, and the discussion that we had about supporting siblings, I also got their permission to share some of their follow up questions because so usually how we do it in our office hours is they submit a question.

I prepare an answer much like I would prepare for a podcast and interview on the topic and then they get to ask questions kind of in real time, give specific scenarios and get feedback. And then I get to also coach them and ask questions too. So I did get the permission to share some of their follow up questions. So there are several people who had kind of similar questions in on the call. And so I'm going to share a couple of those follow up questions and my responses. And I just wanted to say thank you again to this amazing membership community for allowing us to again peek into their private space into their safe space so that I can share the support with our broader balanced parenting community. I really appreciate it. And I hope that, you know, this is also helpful for those of you who maybe have been interested in being in the membership and want to figure out if it's right for them. This is the kind of conversation we have every week directly tailored to your topics and it's in a private place. 

So I really appreciate my members allowing me to use this really hopeful conversation in this way. And I also just want to be super clear that I can't share as much as maybe I would like to because their privacy is really important to me. Okay. So one follow up that this mom had on after I answered this question in our group was kind of what to do if their child who is not their explosive or challenging one is starting to display some of the behaviors that they see their sibling, doing at school. So, you know, kicking, screaming, tripping or if there's just some general kind of violent place starting or aggressive place, starting to come up for this kid, what they can be doing to support them and after chatting for a little bit just to find out what exactly was going on. This was my answer. 

Lindsey: Yes. Yeah. But also very typical for a five year old to, you know, to be playing with aggression and aggressive and like power play. Like those are very common themes.

Laura: My guess is if this is like, that's coming out in kind of in play at school, he might need some like, proactive opportunities to be aggressive in a socially acceptable way. So I'm talking about like wrestling and rough housing where you can like get some of that aggression out, or the invitation to play some like the bad guys or whatever with some aggressive toys, you know, like action figures or some like dinosaurs or some sharks that can, you know, 

Stephanie: They very often play is that, yeah, do that but we don't typically do like wrestling at home. 

Laura: Yeah. So he might need some body based wrestling just like for you, you know, you get your stuff out with but you know, your body, he, he might even like this is often a great age where kids start taking martial art too, to kind of learn some of that discipline and get some of that high impact sensory experience out of their bodies is too. 

Jen: But Jen. Jen says mommy monster was my kid's favorite at age five. 

Laura: So yes, they, I mean, this is a, it's a total like chasing and growling. I mean, they, and again, if we think about too. So if he's in a stressful situation where his nervous system is going into fight or flight, you know, it's natural for him to want to complete that cycle, right? So that's, that's part of what happens when we go into fight or flight, we need to complete the cycle. So, you know, when that stuff has been happening with your daughter one way to get back and your body would be to run a sprint, you know, or like do jumping jacks to get to kind of complete that fight or flight cycle, you know. 

And so if he's not getting to complete the cycle, when he is experienced, being exposed to and experience some of that vicarious stress, he needs the opportunity to get that stuff out of his body too. So wrestling, rough housing chasing games where he gets to feel really powerful. One that a kid favorite is where you hold up your hands and you say let's see if you can shove me and then they push on you and of course they can't push you very hard but you pretend like, whoa, like you push me across the room or like you have them push you around the room where you're backing up and they're pushing forward with all of their might. It's a really good feedback into their, into their joints and into their, you know, sensory system and it's a really, like, lovely game to play. You have to be physically up for it. 

Stephanie: Yeah. Okay. Those are good. Yeah, I remember doing some of those things with my daughter and I just for some reason, didn't Yeah, thinking to do that with him. 

Laura: I mean Stephanie, so can you please be kind to yourself because it sounds like you're in a really stressful situation and you're, we're all just doing our best. So one of the really cool things about the balancing you membership community is that a lot of us have um kiddos who need extra support or who maybe are more explosive or spirited. So when someone asks a question like this one, a lot of us are, you know, it's relevant to a lot of us in the membership. And so this question that comes up next is from another community member who also has a sibling dynamic going on that she wanted some support on. So we'll listen to her question and my answer now.

Lindsey: Was gonna kind of just jump on to the the children having the understanding that there are different expectations. But then I wanted to sort of pivot that into the issue around a child as like expressing his own different expectations of like, I'm not gonna be like that brother, like in these situations and feeling a sense of like shame, but also kind of like identity shaping as a in contrast to somebody else who he's very close to and it hurts my heart a little because I think that I'm my fear is that what he's seeing is like, my brother is like ability to stay accepted in, in situations or like approved of is like conditional on behavior. And I'm, I'm gonna make sure people are pleased. Like that is my inner, my inner like concern of that is that, that's like the that he's becoming a people pleaser in a way or that he's like gonna value like that  self presentation like the peace sneaker kind of role. Yeah, I mean, I just in the sense that like, I think I had a similar child wound of like, and it was totally inadvertent for my parents, but my, I had a sibling who was very physically unwell when we were children. 

And so I just sort of like embodied helpfulness and engagement and like a lot of other ways, even though I was also kind of like the more emotionally challenging child. So, but I was like, you know, I feel like I tried to like counterbalance the, like, lack of physical, like, independence or helpfulness by being, like, super independent and helpful, like, if I could, like, compensate or something. And so then I'm, I'm just curious if you have any reflections on just sort of diffusing where it's, like, I'm not telling, I don't want to tell my child, like, oh, don't worry about it. Like, when your brother's having these crazy meltdowns at the dentist, like, it's totally fine because it's like, it's not totally fine, but I also want him to feel like, you know, it's okay to struggle. 

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. So I, I've been really appreciating the language of like unable to access. So when they're having a hard time, like melting down at the dentist office, for example, right, then you can say like your brother isn't able to access dental care right now. He, you know, he's having and it, he's not able to access it. It's not that he's having a hard time or making everybody stare at him or, you know, whatever it is he's not able, he, his body is not able right now to sit calmly and feel safe in a dentist's chair. Is, is your body able to feel safe in a dentist chair? Do you feel safe when you're in the dentist chair? Okay. Great. Then you can sit still and go to the dentist. You know, is, it's, it's about abilities and, and safety, you know. So, when a child is having a hard time. Like at the dentist, usually that comes from a place of very, you know, very nervous system based fear or, you know, other circumstances, like just the taking of the, you know, the dishes, you know, over at on. I don't, I don't know why I'm talking about this so much, but they're like, you know, one kid on one day might be able to access that ability to take their dishes over and put them in the dishwasher. And then the next day they might not be able to access it. And so thinking about like access and ability wise, what are we, you know, what do we have the resources or the spoons for at this moment in time? And what do we not? And so helping your more, I guess, more typical child or the child that you're worried about moving into the pleasing sense of, you know, if he's saying like, well, I don't do that or I'm not gonna do that. Ask him, well, is it, will it be easy for you to not do that or will it be hard and you'll have to be pretending the whole time to not be, you know, to not do that? And because if it's easy, great, but if it's really hard, then, then we need to start thinking about what are some things that we can do to make it easier for you? Because even if you're able to pretend like it's easy and just let it, you know, and just make it look easy inside. It's still stressful and I, you know, I care about you, not just what you look like and how you act on the outside. I care about what's going on for you on the inside too.

And so if you're kind of just holding it together and making, trying to make everybody feel comfortable while you're hurting inside, I need to know about that and I really want to help you so that, everybody gets to feel comfortable in our family so that everybody gets, you know, met where they are and gets support that they need. So, you know, you know, right now, your brother isn't able to access his dental care and if going to the dentist is really hard and scary for you too. And you're able to stop yourself from having a meltdown, but it's still really scary, then let's sit down and figure out what we can do to make it feel safer for you because even if it's scary, you know, even if you can keep it together, if it's still scary, then I want to be there to support you. I don't know if that makes sense Lindsey.

Lindsey: So I, I, I love that. That makes, so I think that totally makes sense. I mean, the, the part of it that I, that I'm embarrassed to feel like is a reach for me is to actually like in those moments  like, feel the wealth of, of capacity to be like, I genuinely want to help you if you're having a hard time because I, I do think there's so often that there's part of you. It's like, thank God No, no, so much for not freaking out at the dentist. 

Laura: No, Lindsey. Thank you for being so honest and so clear, like, so vulnerably like like, thank you for being so authentic on that. Yes, there are 100% times too where I feel like, wait a second, you're supposed to be my easy one, you know, like, thank goodness I have one, you know, one that, you know, and I mean, and that's not true, but of course they both kids have challenging times or we all have things that are harder than others. But I, I do understand that Lindsey where and it, and when there is capacity, when you do have capacity, you can do that or if it, you know, when we're in the, in when like literally it's happening right in front of us. We're in the dentist chair, you know, and this is what's happening.

Okay. Note to self next time, both kids don't go to the dentist at the same time. It's a one on, you know, it's a, this is a one on one thing. So the other one doesn't have to see it. We don't schedule appointments at the same time, you know, we take an extra trip, you know, and you can always circle back. So even if like you're in that situation and then they do hold it together and they're like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna be a good boy and sit quietly. You know, if they say those things, you can circle back later, even if in the moment you're grateful. Okay? Because let's just get the heck out of here. You can always come back later and check in with him on those. 

Lindsey: Yeah. Iii I think it's great to frame it that way. 

Laura: And Okay, well, it turns out that this episode was a little longer than I was expecting it to be and I wasn't exactly sure if I should split it into two, but I think I'm going to just leave it as one big one and you can make your way through it. But I really just wanted to give a shout out to my balancing new members who were so vulnerable and open and allowed us to listen in on their conversations. And if this is something that you want to get in on, just know that we're here for you. There's no pressure, you'll know when it's right in your life when you want someone to walk next to you want a community walking with you supporting you in this. So that you don't have to feel like you're alone or if you found that in other places. I'm so glad or if you're getting that support, just hear from the podcast. I'm so glad too. So thank you so much for listening, taking the time out of your day. I'm so happy to, so honored that you allow me into your ears, into your mind and into your heart every week. Take good care.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!

Episode 165: Kindness Starts at Home - Parenting with Social Justice in Mind with Nat Vikitsreth

I am excited to share with you the latest episode of my podcast, where we will discuss parenting with social justice in mind.

In this episode, I had the pleasure of interviewing Nat Vikitsreth, a founder of Come Back to Care and a host of Come Back to Care Podcast. She is a decolonized and licensed clinical psychotherapist, transgender rights community organizer, and child development specialist. 

Here are some of the takeaways:

  • Learn how parents can put their social justice intentions into action, especially when they're exhausted and overwhelmed

  • Understanding decolonized parenting 

  • Balance between practical life skills and fostering values like kindness, community engagement, and anti-racism in your child

  • Healing childhood wounds when re-parenting our inner child, with a balanced perspective

If you enjoyed listening to Nat’s insights into incorporating social justice values into parenting, follow her on Instagram @comebacktocare and visit her website www.comebacktocare.com.

Resources:


TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!

Laura: Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent podcast. We're going to be discussing how we can go about incorporating social justice values into our parenting. Even when we're overwhelmed. I'm really excited for this conversation. I have a lovely guest who is just a star in, in what she does and is going to help us kind of break down all the ways that we can really be embodying the, the good loving kind, compassionate human beings that we want to be and the ones that we want to raise. So, please welcome to the show. Nat Vikitsreth said it's so nice to have you here. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do? 

Nat: Laura, thank you so much for having me on the show. I have been a big fan of your show and I really love the love that you pour into each episode to your listeners.

Laura: Oh, thank you. That feels so good to hear.

Nat: Absolutely. I am a social justice organizer in my transgender community started all the way back in Thailand in 2007 and then I began working with families and children. So by trade and training, I am a therapist specializing in working with children and families, specializing in social justice or decolonized parenting and inner child re parenting. And what that looks like is, you know, when you believe in social justice, you want to act on it and implement it. But then you. As a parent, you get pulled in so many different directions of caregiving task of keeping the household together, parenting, task of being conscious and intentional and loving and then just your own healing. And then at the end of the day, you're just left with a dry cup and there's no bandwidth left to do the social justice things you intended to do.

And my work is the privilege and honor of supporting families who believe in social justice action to weave those social justice actions like accountability, power with solidarity into their daily parenting so that they can promote their children's development at the same time and strengthening their social justice muscles too. So that when they go out in their community, they know in their body of this is what it feels like to show up with someone I love even though they look and sound different from me in solidarity and they don't have to ask my gosh, am I, am I taking up too much space? Am I taking enough risk because they know it in their body, they already that practice in their body with their children? 

Laura: Okay. So tell me, tell me a little bit more about what that looks like in practice in a family. 

Nat: Absolutely. Absolutely. I think one example that often comes to my mind is power with instead of power over as a culture in the west domination, coercion and control are quite normalized. That we got this expectation that our children need to obey. And we name that explicitly as a part of decolonized parenting work of where that domination coercion is coming from. And it could come from capitalism. We tend to extract resources from earth and exploit labor from workers. It could also come from colonialism, right? Where we go and colonize different lands and cultures and practices around the world. And we tend to absorb that and it trickles down into our home as a family rule, right? You can't disrespect me. You need to obey, you need to do what I said when I, when I say it.

Laura: Yes. Okay. So you've used the term decolonized, parenting. Can you tell us a little bit more about what that means? Especially for those, for those who, this is a term that's new or maybe they've heard it before, but they're not exactly sure what it is. It's kind of break it down for us. 

Nat: Yes. Thank you for asking that. Laura, that's very important to name it. And the definition of giving is the definition. Parents in my communities are teaching me today because it's, it keeps evolving.

Laura: I love that. Oh my gosh. I love having a community where there's a reciprocity in the learning process where it's where it is a community of like cole learning and shared learning. That's so wonderful that you get to create that. 

Nat: Yes. Otherwise I would be another quote un quote expert. 

Laura: Exactly. 

Nat: Right.

Laura: Yes. 

Nat: Yeah, I will tell them that this is what it is. 

Laura: Yes. Positioning yourself as an informed learner in a family is so critical. You have knowledge, they have knowledge, we're sharing it and we're co creating our shared knowledge. Beautiful.

Nat: Absolutely. I know you get it. I know you get it right. Because decolonized parenting is deconstructing the parenting. Should the social conditioning and messages that we absorb and learn about. This is how a good parent is raising their child. And we deconstruct that and we kind of detangle the tendrils of colonialism and capitalism and white supremacy and patriarchy that are kind of taking the driver seat. 

Laura: Yeah, that are kind of woven in there into the fabric of it and we don't even know it's there. 

Nat: Right? And together we name them like, oh my goodness, this pressure that I'm feeling of signing my kids up for extracurricular activities every day of the week. Right? It's coming from that real pressure of wanting to prepare my child to be successful in society and we interrogate that standard of, but wait, who defines that success? 

Laura: Yes. Yeah. And, and do I share that definition? And what is true for me and true for my family and ultimately what's true for my child? Right? I mean, because they're the ones who are going to go out and have these lives, right. So we have to help them start that interrogation process too.

Nat: Absolutely. Absolutely. So can I just share a story, something that happened in my house that I feel like I would love your perspective on. And if this is kind of an example of some of the things we're talking about. So we were all sitting down to dinner a couple days ago and my daughter had just gotten back from the library with this giant stack of books. Books are her happy place. You know, she just is a ravenous reader and she had been up in her bed reading, which is just her, you know, it's so delightful. Her body feels so safe there. And so she came down for dinner and she, she was like, I really don't want to be here. I really want to be, you know, up in my bed reading and her dad was like, well, just grab your book and come and read here with us. And I had this like, ping in my like brain. I was like, that's against the rules because reading was not allowed at my table growing up, you know, and I was like, wait a second, don't break my rules.

You know, I was thinking this, but I said to my husband, wait a second, hold on you. You just said something that, like, there's a part of me that feels uncomfortable with. So I'd like to have a discussion. We've never talked about reading at the table before, you know. And so I just said to the family, like, as a kid. I, my sister and I weren't allowed to read at the table. How do we feel about that? And so we went around the table and talked about it. My younger daughter who was not the reader at this point in time, expressed some concerns. We talked about different options and she ultimately brought the book to the table, read for a little while, periodically took a break and engaged in the conversation. It was a really lovely and very like, I don't know, it felt very collaborative in kind of making that rule. But I had that ping that first ping of like, that's not okay. We have to sit at the table and be focused on each other and have all the conversations. Those research says family dinner is important, you know, like as all the things were in my, you know, but that's what we're, that's what we're supposed to be doing. Right? Is becoming aware on some level of some of those things.

Nat: Absolutely. And the part that you said, research said, and I know your listeners love research. My listeners do too. There's such a big difference between what research said and also how we implement it and adapt it and make it our own method.

Laura: Yes. 

Nat: Right.

Laura: Yes. Yes.

Nat: Becoming aware. That is the first part of decolonized parenting of wait, who is raising my child? Is it the researchers who did that study in the lab or is it my own value? Or is it capitalism or is it patriarchy or is it my in laws? And really interrogate that. And I love that. You put it into practice slowing it down and have a family discussion. How beautiful is that? 

Laura: I mean, I think that certainly doesn't happen all the time. That was a moment of clarity for me. There's definitely moments where I don't hit that. 

Nat: Right. For sure.

Laura: But, yeah, I do. I want my kids to feel like we're all equal in our home that we all have a place and we all have a say and there's times where my kids reflect back to me where they don't have that at my daughter's birthday party over the weekend, she wanted to have a disco dance party in the basement. And these kids, these kids are wild kids. They like go to a primarily outdoor school. Like I don't, I did not really want them in my house, but she came to me and she said, how come you get to decide, make decisions about what guests get to come in the house? That's a fair point. You know. So I mean, I was really proud of her for pushing back on me. That's really good to see her pushing back against injustice in our homes because that's the safest place for her to do that. I, you know, I, I feel like I'm derailing this conversation a little bit, but I do think that at all okay, because I mean, this is part of it too, is teaching her if we want our kids to be agitators, if we want them to be the people who are pushing back against injustice, we have to be ready for them to do it in our own homes, right? This is the safest to us. This is a safe place for them to do that to practice those skills. 

Nat: Yes. Okay. 

Laura: Yeah.

Nat: I, I so appreciate that. You know, when our kids push back on the rules that we said, what a beautiful testament to the strength of your relationship with your daughter. Oh, your trust.

Laura: So listeners, are you hearing this? So when your kids push back on your rules, they are demonstrating that they trust you to listen to them. All right, you've created safety for them. Good giant, beautiful job. 

Nat: Yes. Because if, if our listeners were to be sitting with us in the same room and if both of us were to ask them, any of us were able to do that when we were little with those who raised us.

Laura: My mom's like famous refrain is don't say no to your mother. What she always said to us as kids, you know, but now she's like Laura, I'm so glad you let your children say no to you. That's so it's simple to see her growth too.

Nat: I love that, that intergenerational healing. It's never too late.

Laura: It isn't, it isn't. I mean, and so many of the people I think you want to be working with are doing that intergenerational work. They're really being those change makers in their own families. Okay. So we've talked a little bit about kind of unlearning the parenting shoulds that come along. Really starting to question. But what about the times when, I don't know, our parents voices just fall out of our mouths when we're triggered, you know, when we, when for, you know, there's every parent has those things that just, oh, set us off. What about those times? 

Nat: Yes. I mean, those times when we get triggered and then reactive. Right? And then we revert back to our old coping strategies that we're so familiar with. Right. And that could include sounding exactly like our parents when we promised ourselves not to sound like them. We would never intentions so beautiful. Right? But in practice that can look different. And I want to acknowledge that pain. I find that conscious parents in my community, they, they set such fierce intention and it's such a human thing to slip and react and revert and sound like our parents and that guilt and judgment that we just put on ourselves that can be so painful to hear.

Laura: Yes, so painful. And we, we enact the same parenting on ourselves that we're attempting to not enact on our kids. Right? So we were ashamed, blame, judged, met with guilt, discipline, punishment. And then we, we take that and we put it on ourselves whenever we make a mistake because that's what we know. And so there's an aspect there that we, where we really need to be working on that inner, that inner work. If we want to see that reflected out in the world.

Nat: Absolutely. And if I can add a layer.

Laura: Please, please.

Nat: To, to that decolonizing peace. Laura is that, that shame, blame and guilt. It's how we punish ourselves. And what's happening on the inside when we punish ourselves is not that different from the punishment that we see out there, right? In the prison, industrial complex, we often blame and shame people who are not following the status quo, punish them and lock them away.

Laura: Yes.

Nat: So when we can contextualize the behaviors that we do as parents in our home in a larger context where whatever oppression is happening out there trickles down into our family as family rules, then we can really remove shame off our back a little bit and build that breathing room to, to discern, oh my gosh. I don't want to do prison industrial complex in my home. What else can I do?

Laura: Okay. Let me make a connection right now between what we do in our homes and how we support change outside of our homes. Tell me how like to make that really concrete for our listeners, how we can do what we can be doing in, in the midst of busy everyday parenting school runs grocery shopping meal, prepping like all of these things. It's so easy to get so taken up into our individual lives. And we hold these values, we share these values and yet living them and enacting them in the broader world is difficult and challenging. During a season of intense parenting.

Nat: It truly, truly is. And I believe that a lot of parents that I see who have the best intentions and they are givers and helpers and when their cups are dry, they tend to go into either, okay, I'm gonna go out March, donate, save the world. I'm going to put my dignity and humanity aside. I don't care because I have privilege. So I'm gonna go out and save the world and they fall into that pattern of saviors instead of solidarity. Where you know what? I know, I'm tired and I know the world is on fire. I'm gonna take a moment to fill my cup a little bit and then I'm going to go out and support whatever I believe in. So there, there's that difference between savors and solidarity. 

Laura: Okay? Tell me a little bit more about what solidarity looks like in practice.

Nat: Solidarity looks like I see my humanity and I also see your humanity. I'm gonna go and support you and show up from a place of we're in this struggle together. Not because I'm more superior, not because it's charity, not because it's just a one time donation. But it's because my liberation is tied to yours. So I'm going to respect myself too in the process of showing up for you. And this seems very big, very abstract, right? Yet we see it concretely in mutual aid networks when we see people who are out marching on the streets and then they get punished and locked away. And some people show up in solidarity by marching alongside them. Some people send bail funds money to get those people out of prison. There's so many ways for us to show up in solidarity. And I believe to bring it down to parenting is that we practice that in our home and it starts with this urgency, right? When, when our kids are having meltdowns, we have this urgency within our body and our heart. Oh, I see your eyes light up that what do we need to do to get you to stop crying so I can help you? 

Laura: We become the savior. We try to fix it. 

Nat: Exactly. Exactly.

Laura: And I remember your conversation with Alyssa last Campbell. Yes. Yes. Just recently. 

Nat: Yes. Just recently that when we're not regulated and we move in to support someone who's not regulated. 

Laura: Yes. 

Nat: Like diving in without any floaty noodles without parachute.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. 

Nat: So you have to move quickly in, right?

Laura: And I love what you're Yeah. So I feel like you're doing it. Just this beautiful job of illustrating the. The way in which the, what's happening in the macrosystem is mirrored within our microsystems. You know. So if we think about this from a systemic perspective, we're all, it's like a Russian doll, you know, one of the Maruska dolls there, we're all nested within each other and it echoes through. And so, yeah, and I mean, what a beautiful way to think about when my child is having a meltdown. How do I step into solidarity with them? You know, instead of savior is yes, beautifully illustrated. Thank you, Nat. 

Nat: Oh Thank you Laura. And, and it can be as concrete as saying to our toddlers. You know, I know you want play. Do you're safe right now? I'm feeling tension in the back of my neck and I know this is when I'm getting frustrated. So please take this book, I'll join you in three minutes. I just need to move my body, take that breath, take that sip of water and I'll be right there with you and we can go that, get that play doh together. 

Laura: Thank you for making that so concrete and giving the permission to take those steps for ourselves. I mean, so that's what we're talking about. When we talk about self care. I feel like self care, you know, is just this really over utilized term. Everybody is annoyed with it. They're like they're overhearing it. But what it, what it's about is regulating, you know, figuring out what our unique systems need in order to feel nourished and whole and well, and what a beautiful thing to model for a child who's having it, you know, wanting to play with the play doh that, you know, mom is tuning in to themselves. Dad is listening to their body. You know, those are like, really important things for a child to seem modeled to them. 

Nat: Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. Remodel social justice action through daily parenting. right? Most of the time, most of the time, the key is most of the time.

Laura: Right.

Nat: And then we're able to support them that, you know, I'm feeling feelings and they're not permanent. I have a way to move through them, using my body, using my words, my affirmations, whatever that is. But I'm important too. Yeah. So I'm gonna fill my cup and then I'm gonna show up for you, right? And with self care in my community, it seems so indi individualistic and I'm going to both and it okay, individualistic and it's so important. So I often use self care as an invitation for parents in my community to be really naughty, really, really naughty to capitalism and capitalism. 

Laura: Yeah. Okay. Tell me more. How, how III I have to understand this more.

Nat: Because the, the quote unquote good parenting is that imagery, Laura of you're calm and you're smiling, you have your makeup on, you take a shower every morning, right? And you're just like slowly squatting down next to your child and say, oh, I know you're feeling X Y and Z when in reality it's not that, that's like capitalism, patriarchy. Telling us to do Marty. Not mothering. Gender inclusive. 

Lauara: Yes. Yes. Because we're told to lay ourselves on the altar of motherhood, parenthood. Yes. 

Nat: Exactly. So, to be really naughty to that conditioning is to say, you know what I am important too. I am a mom and I'm also Laura.

Laura: I think that that's really hard for people to do. So what do you, what do you think parents need to know in order to believe you? That that's something that they can and should not, should but can and, but they, yeah, that they can do for themselves and for their family that it would be beneficial.

Nat: Yes. Yes. Thank you for asking that Laura because I don't want our listeners, our parents who are already busy loving their kids themselves, healing, re parenting and doing all of these things. Exactly. And also they haven't eaten and it's like 1:45 p.m. central time. Right? They're like, oh, here's another thing I need to do. But I often invite families to shift that question of what else do I need to do to? Who do I need to do it with? Who can be that trusting comrades. Coconspirator co parent that I can slowly learn that I don't need to carry everything and be a martyr that I can like, say, hey, because of my upbringing. I'm not good at expressing my needs because it wasn't safe. So, can I just practice it with you? Like, can I just say I need 15 minutes to myself and you come and check in on me in 15 minutes and then we'll carry on.

Laura: It's really special having people you can do that with people that you can be vulnerable with and kind of bring those conversations out into the light. I'm thinking about, you know, I, I have a couple of friends who I can do that with where we can be really upfront about what's hard and ask for support and help. But I'm thinking about the parents who are listening right now, who don't have that, who don't have that in their lives is do you have any like recommendations for how they can go about finding that in, in someone maybe someone that they already know or just like mo like, you know, I feel like we're all just so hungry for deeper connections too. So like, do we have any, like, where can people find that? 

Nat: Yes. What do you just name? Just really brings grief to my heart that that isolation is so prevalent when we have to play this hungry game of capitalism where we have to work and there's no time to build that real trusting community. Right. 

Laura: Yeah.

Nat: Yeah. And sometimes we just need a little, a little something to tide us over until we can find that someone or that community and it could be with our plants, with our pets with, I have this pom, pom pens that fidget that I can just like. Oh, I'm also fidgeting right now. Yes. And, and these tools that we can rely on to fill our own cup. Yeah. With a full and clear awareness that I'm not flawed for not having community around me. I'll get there. But for me today in this moment to get through the day, I just need to like go water, my plants, go pet my cat or go fidget with my pom poms or putty or move my body and find that resource and strength or go to my ancestors altar and find that connection through spirituality, right? It could be connection with the land with the ancestors, with pets and plants and people. Yeah. Or sometimes it's ourselves in the inner reserves until we can find that community. 

Laura: Yeah.  I really like that. I really love learning how to be a, a well within yourself so that you don't run dry. I just, I would love to talk a little bit about how lonely and how isolating it can be to be a parent and why like how do like, so I, I love that you brought that out as a, as a kind of a results of capitalism. I feel very curious about like, how do you engage in pushing back on some of those things? You know, like, you know, like thinking about, okay, so how does it benefit capitalism? Like who's benefiting from me feeling isolated? Right? Who's benefiting from, from me spending more time on social media than like going out and meeting my neighbors? You know, like I just like, I just feel like there's some questions there for us to be thinking about as, as parents in this community, you know.

Nat: Yes, absolutely. And we can name the conditions that were in the water that we're swimming in where if I don't work? 

Laura: Yeah, I don't have food, housing and health care. That's period and point blank.

Laura: Yes. 

Nat: So the big ask of parents to always be constantly attuning to their kids playing with their kids, reading multi-language books to their kids, right? Like how, how do you do that when you have to attune to capitalism? When you have to play the hunger game of capitalism, you can't attune to your kids or play with your kids. 

Laura: Yes. Yeah. So what do we do? We do?

Nat: We do what we need to do to get there and take a sip of resources along the way. Meaning we do what we need to do for our cups to not get dried as we're trying to survive.

Laura: And maybe they give ourselves a little grace in like recognizing this really difficult position that we're in as parents, you know, that we are just in this place where we are raising human beings in an environment that isn't ideal for them with demands placed upon their parents that aren't ideal for a family, you know. Not at all. 

Nat: Yeah. Not at all. And cultures around the world has interdependence at the heart of child rearing practices. Someone else that you trust can step in and cook, can step in and clean and step in and you can take a nap, can step in and you can go lay down. Yeah. And we don't have that here in the west.

Laura: No. And what's amazing is our, our children's biology, like we was promised a village, their children are coming into this world primed to form at least four significant attachments. 

Nat: Yes.

Laura: And yet most, you know, most kids come into a two parent household and those are their, those are there or, you know, or one parent household and those are their significant attachments. We're meant to have at least four. A human baby is meant to have at least four. 

Nat: Yes. So giving ourselves grace, like you said, Laura and operational I that in a day to day practice can sometimes look like what would be an acceptable outcome today. And maybe it's just showing up fully and being truly present with one daily routine for 10 minutes. 

Laura: I love that. It doesn't have to be, you know, we're so all or nothing and like in this world we're so all or nothing. And I really love that we can just skip. Maybe we can be all in for 10 minutes and that, yes.

Nat: And that's good enough for that day. And that all or nothing is so a by-product of white supremacy either or binary conditioning.

Laura: It really is. Yeah, I really appreciate how you bring, bring those things kind of to the front and talk about them. I feel like it's, we tiptoe around it and I really love that you're laying it out. I would feel very, I think that there's probably people who are listening, who really want to lean in to learning more on that. And learning how to see that for themselves in their own lives. And I think you teach that. I think you teach how to do that, right?

Nat: I do.

Laura: Can you tell us a little bit about where people can go to learn from you both as a free resource if you have a podcast and in your programming?

Nat: Yes, absolutely. And before I go there, I just want to give you props, I'm able to come on here and lay down like frame by frame because you've set up such a beautiful learning environment for your listeners to practice this conscious, respectful, like beautiful intentional parenting practices that they can design and today I can come in and lay another layer down another lens that is social justice actions. 

Laura: I really appreciate the layer that the nuance. And you know, it's clear how much you love parents I love parents too. I love getting to work with them. 

Nat: Yeah.

Laura: I just want them to feel supported and I really feel like that from you too. Thank you. So I support parents through of course, by naming these things and unlearning these oppressive conditioning and re parenting their inner child. And we do that a lot of self reflect work. But I'm a somatic therapist too. So we work with our triggers from the bottom so from our body.

Nat: I love that. That's so cool. Oh my gosh. I didn't know you were a somatic therapist. We could have had a whole episode on that. I'm so interested in somatic practice. I know a lot of doing it and doing it in a trauma informed way because a lot of us have to disconnect from our bodies. 

Laura: In order to be safe for sure. 

Nat: How do we slowly get back into that and notice different points of tension, discomfort in our body and honoring that as a way to give us information of, oh, there's something sticky there that I can heal when I'm ready. I do all of that in a seven week social justice, parenting and inner child re parenting cohort called the In Out and through program. We figure out ways to like, you know, when you ask yourself, what, what do I do in this scenario with my child? And you kind of figure out the child development science and your own social justice values and let that guide your answer of what you do next. And a lot of times the barrier also is our inner child wounds that we develop when we were little. So we unpack that in our cohort to and repairing our inner child and repair the ruptures in the lineage with those who raised us. 

Laura: Oh, that sounds so beautiful. It sounds too like you that this is not a course where you would, the parent would go and learn things kind of didactically, learn scripts to go home and say to their kids, it's not a do this. And it sounds to me like your program really teaches parents the way of self inquiry and self healing so that they can do these important work that they're doing in their families and in the world. 

Nat: There's so, yeah, absolutely. There's so many beautiful resources about what to do with the children and what I'm offering is what to do with your inner children and start there and then whatever scripts or strategies they want to do, we'll figure it out together. But we first center your healing.

Laura: I love that. That's, I think that's so important. I think that there is definitely a place for the what to do with kids. And oftentimes, you know, for, for some people that's enough and then they, they're on their way for a lot of us myself included. It's not enough. I can know all the things to say. And saying them is a completely different story, you know.

Nat: Oh, my gosh. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. And it breaks my heart when parents give up and feel like, well, I'm just going to stuck, always being anxious, always being worrisome. And we can interrogate that a little bit. Of course, we have to be anxious because of this and this and this you have to do to protect yourself and there's a way to get unstuck. 

Laura: Yes, I love that. So I have a program called Parenting from Within that tackles a lot of these same topics, but it does not have the social justice lens which I just think is this really impactful layer. I'm so glad that there's someone teaching this from this perspective. The world is lucky to have you. 

Nat: Oh, and the world is lucky to have you too. And I'm not saying that to like, oh my outfit is beautiful. You look great too. I'm saying that from a place of parents throughout history have been disenfranchised and disempowered and how beautiful that parents have options and agency to choose to do your program, do my program or listen to this podcast or my podcast. 

Laura: I love that. I, you know, I, I very rarely meet someone who feels that way about parents that parent like sees parents as a, as a potentially vulnerable population that need to be met with care and the way that sometimes I think parents are are are marketed to is so irresponsible because we're so vulnerable where we're so, we, yeah, we have such deep craving to do what's right. You know.

Nat: And, oh my gosh, I, I was with, an Arab refugee family yesterday. Laura and the dad was talking about just how much he's so worried about his daughter. I don't need that worry. Like I keep hearing how much he loved his daughter and wanted to protect her and be there for her. That kind of love, that radical love. It's like it gets me out of bed every morning. I need to do this work in ethical ways and caring ways, which you do. Yeah. 

Laura: Yeah. Oh, well, I'm so glad I'm so glad that we have heard from you and you have a podcast too, right? 

Nat: Yes. Yes. So a lot of things we talked about today, they can go learn more in the podcast episodes. It's meaty, it's juicy and collective but digestible. I would say awesome. 

Laura: So now thank you for being here with us today and just thank you for being in the world. 

Nat: Thank you, Laura. Thank you for being you and learning and unlearning together. 

Laura: Oh, it's wonderful that we get to do that. 

Nat: Yes. Thank you. 

Laura: Thank you. 

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from. 

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout out um and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too. 

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!