Kids and Money: How to Teach Kids Financial Literacy & Responsibility

Teach your child money management with these tools!

As we explored in Episode 50 of The Balanced Parent podcast, the skill of being savvy with your money is one that kids should be learning as they grow. So here are two great, age-appropriate systems for helping them learn these important skills.

The Three Jar System

First, for younger kids, is the Three Jar Method. When you child receives money you can help them divide it evenly between three jars:

Spend: Money they can spend freely on things that they’d like.
Save: Money they are saving for a larger purchase in the future
Share: Money they are sharing with those in need. 

Helpful Tips for Implementing the Three Jar System:

• Age 4 or 5 is a great time to introduce this!

• Have them decorate their jars, perhaps with drawings of the thing they are saving for or the cause they are supporting

• Help them choose a cause they would like to contribute to that will use their money well (think local!).

• The "save" jar is meant for them to practice saving their money for a larger purchase, not long term or college savings

• When larger amounts come in around holidays or birthdays, have a set percentage that goes into long term savings . Experts recommend 15-30%.

• You set the base percentages, but give them some wiggle room if they would like to put more into their save or share jars.
  
  

The Percentages Method

This is another helpful way to break larger sums of money up, especially for older kids & teens who are ready to be more involved in their finances and are starting to have regular income from after school or summer jobs. Experts recommend these percentages:

20% into long term investments 

50% to spend as they wish

20% into savings for future spending

10% to a charitable cause

Helpful tips for implementing the Percentages Method:

• They still may need help choosing a reputable cause to give to.

• If "matching" their investments feels good to you, this is a great way to help them out as they save for their future.

• Be open to discussions about the percentages and when/why adjustments may be necessary or financially healthy.

Be sure to listen to Episode 50 of The Balanced Parent podcast for a deeper dive into how to help your child have a healthy relationship with money as they grow!

Let me know in the comments, is this something you’re implementing with your kids? Are you interested in trying it out? Any troubleshooting questions??

Why You Should Have a Yes Day for Your Kids & How to Do It without Losing Your Mind or Breaking the Bank

Why You Should Have a Yes Day for Your Kids…

And How to Do It without Losing Your Mind or Breaking the Bank

“Yes Days” are the subject of a beloved children’s book by Amy Krouse (affiliate link), and have been made famous by Jennifer Garner’s featuring of them in her social media, and now a new film, have long been used by parenting educators and family therapists as a powerful tool for deepening connection and infusing positive interactions into a parent-child relationship.

Research shows that healthy parent-child relationships have a 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

When that 5:1 ratio is out of whack you get more defiance and less cooperation. A periodic “Yes Day” can help get that ratio back into balance, and fill your child’s emotional bank account!

There are two ways to have a “Yes Day”:

Option 1: You can tell your child ahead of time and lay ground rules, like if money will be spent, if trips will be taken, how much screentime will be allowed, and plans for balancing meals (no sugar-induced meltdowns please!).

Option 2: You keep it to yourself and just mindfully and intentionally say yes to your child as much as possible (and within reason of course!)

My personal favorite is the second “secret” option!

Ok, now for some Frequently Asked Questions about having a “Yes Day”:

Is saying "yes" more often as well as having designated "yes days" something you do with your own children as well as help you clients work on? 

Oh absolutely! We do “yes days” often with our kids, nothing big or expensive, just a day, or even an hour or afternoon, where we set the intention to be open to our kids and their visions, goals, and whims within reasonable safety and financial limits.

I often suggest them to families where it’s clear that the child needs some nurturing, positive, focused attention, but also where the parent needs an opportunity to become aware of just how often they are saying no currently, and evaluate whether that fits with their overarching goal for their children and their relationships.

Honestly, I think most families can benefit from this, and while you’re having a “yes day” for your kids, make sure to throw one in for yourself and maybe your partner too. There is something magical in being open to the influence of those we love and saying “yes” to them.

Were you surprised by what your children did (or didn't) ask for when you started to say yes? 

Well, like many parents I had my fears that they would ask for things like watching screens all day or outrageously expensive outings, etc. but I quickly realized that what most kids want is your time and focused attention.

In my daughter’s case, when she was about 2.5 I was pregnant and she was in a tricky developmental phase and we were always at odds with each other. It felt like everything was a battle, and so I decided one day that we needed a vacation from the story we were stuck in, the story where I tell her what to do and she says no and I get distracted by my phone and she acts out to get my attention.

And so I set out to dedicate an entire day to just making her day and we did all of the things that make her feel seen and loved and valued. These were simple things, like a snack on the front step while we listened to birds, a walk to a park, a birthday party for her baby doll, running a sink full of bubbles just to play, baking cookies where I actually let her do everything, etc. Normal, everyday things that kids love and that parents often say no to because they are inconvenient, time consuming, boring, or just not on the agenda for that day.

These “yes days” were like a healing balm for my relationship with my daughter.

They filled both of our cups, they solidified our connection so that when the next tantrum or meltdown rolled around we had a bank account of positive interactions to draw from and we could lean in to it, trusting that on the other side, we would still have our connection. And they also gave me much needed practice in mindfully saying yes and CHOOSING my daughter, CHOOSING our relationship. And putting my phone AWAY!

What are the benefits are to focusing on saying yes to your kids more often? Are there benefits for BOTH the parents and the kids? 

There are absolutely benefits for both parents and children to saying yes more often. First, kids hear “no” all day long. From the moment they are mobile, their lives are filled with “no”. “Don’t touch that!” “Don’t eat that!” “Tables are not for climbing” etc etc. And once they are in school, it gets even more intense, and that lack of control over their own lives, and the required level of self-regulation needed to follow all of those directions can be overwhelming and exhausting to children. This doesn’t mean you should always say yes or even that you let yourself be “railroaded” by your kids, but rather that you take a minute to consider if there is a way to say yes, even if it isn’t 100% what the child wanted.

Saying yes opens up the possibilities not just for that moment, but for the relationship. Saying yes, or at the very least saying, “lets work together to find a way for me to feel comfortable saying yes to this,” lets children know that you see them, that you value their perspectives and ambitions, that you’re willing to join them in a goal, that you’re on their side. And engaging kids in this process can teach them valuable creative problem solving and critical thinking skills that will help them be better decision makers in the future.

Plus, when kids feel seen, and heard, and valued, they WANT to cooperate and follow directions. So you not only get to have fun with your kids, build a deeper bond, but they also often listen and cooperate better. Win!

How can a “Yes Day” help improve your everyday parenting? 

For many parents that I work with, myself included, our default, without thinking response is: “no”. Setting the goal or intention for a day, or even an hour, to say YES to all invitations from your children within safety and financial limits turns your attention to being mindful of your response and consciously choosing to say yes to your children. This keeps you present so that you are WITH them, not just alongside them. And the more you do it, the better you get at it, and it can become close to second nature.

Where did you learn about/come up with the idea of the "Yes Day?"

Many folks assume I got the idea from Jennifer Garner or the book, but I’d been doing it without calling it that for years! I initially set a goal to say “yes” as a parent while watching my sister with her kids. She is a complete natural at saying yes and one time we were hanging out and her then 4 year old asked to do something. I don’t even remember what it was, something messy I think, and my immediate response in my head was “NO WAY!!” but my sister said, “Let me see if we can find a way to make that work.” I was so impressed! I was in graduate school (and pregnant) at the time and it inspired a whole conversation in my social and emotional development course and a shift in mindset as I transitioned to parenthood.

I started doing intentional full “yes days” with my oldest about 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my second child and she was going through a tricky developmental phase. It was a tool I learned about and taught to families while I was in graduate school training as a family therapist, and I’d seen how well it worked, but I had no idea it was a “thing” with a name until I heard it called a “yes day” in a Facebook Group run by Robin Einzig, a respectful parenting coach.  I love that Jennifer Garner is bringing more attention to this really powerful relationship building tool with her social media posts and her new Netflix movie!

We continue to do them regularly. This again really bolsters that connection and it’s wonderful preventative maintenance so that your relationship is robust and ready to bounce back from life’s ups and downs.

What are some misconceptions folks have about Yes Days?

I definitely think the concept of working to say yes more is becoming more mainstream, but I think there are some misconceptions about it. A lot of the parents I talk to think it’s going to be expensive or cause entitlement because they are envisioning shopping sprees at the mall and movie marathons etc. Once they find out that they can make a “yes day” fit in with their usual family values and that a “yes day” doesn’t mean throwing all of the limits out the window, they are usually super excited about it. And when they see the way their kids can really bloom under that careful tending, it can become a valued family tradition. I recently did a series of posts about Yes Days on my Instagram page and while most parents had never tried them they were all super excited to give it a shot.

Ok, so what about YOU? Have you tried a Yes Day in your family? Did you do Option 1 (plan ahead like Jennifer Garner does) or Option 2 (make it a surprise like in the book by Amy Krouse)?

Tell me in the comments!

Inviting Peace and Calm Into Your Holiday Season

Holiday season is fast approaching. The season of gift-giving, parties, fun-filled activities and shopping galore (See these posts for gift ideas for kids that support independent play and healthy development without going overboard). Although the holidays give us happiness and love, it can also be stressful and a time where we unconsciously slip out of our true intentions and goals for our family. 

Here in the US it’s almost Thanksgiving and this is a time when we often feel a lot of pressure to BE a certain way, to have it go a certain way, to build warm memories for our children. And this stress and pressure ends up leading us down a path that takes us away from the very goals we are striving to achieve.

In this article I want to share how to go about inviting peace and calm into your holiday season, but this really applies to any stressful period in your life. This is especially important right now with everything going on in the world. This holiday season will have it’s own unique stressors and complications, which is even MORE reason to be intentionally mindful of the emotional environment we are cultivating. For more on holidays in a pandemic, listen to episode 32 of The Balanced Parent Podcast. 

I have a few steps that I’ll outline below, but I want to preface this all by asking you to get really clear in your mind on WHO is responsible for your sense of joy, peace, fulfillment, and enjoyment. 

Stressful situations, busy time periods, family obligations, are all a part of life. And while we can work to reduce them as much as we can, and cultivate a schedule or rhythm (Get a workbook for crafting an intentional rhythm here)that is in line with our deepest values, sometimes we can’t. It is HOW we cope with those moments that determines our sense of stress and overwhelm and disconnection. Often when we are in times of stress and overwhelm and we aren’t coping well, we put the blame on factors outside of our control, like our jerky boss, or the way we are treated by our in-laws, or how our siblings gang up on us, or the bills that are coming due, etc. 

But when we do this, we are literally putting our happiness and wellbeing in the hands of someone else. We are giving them enormous power over us. And this is when suffering happens. When we feel as if we aren’t in control of our own lives. And that is when we start becoming reactive and acting in ways that aren’t in alignment with our deepest goals and values.

I want to be super clear that we, the parent, are responsible for our own joy, peace, and fulfillment. Our peace, our happiness, our contentment, are not our partner’s responsibility, or our children’s, or our in-laws, or the car mechanic’s, or the checkout lady at the crowded grocery store. 

They are ours. And the amazing thing about that is that it means we get to choose. We can choose how we respond to life. We can choose happiness. We can choose calm. We can choose presence. We can choose peace.

So how do we do that?

Get clear on goals, priorities and values

Sit down with yourself, in a quiet moment, maybe with a cup of tea, and jot down the things that you want out of this stressful time. And write down WHO you want to be during this stressful time.

What are your deeper values related to this time in your life?

Personal example with hosting a party.

Now take those goals, those values and priorities, and use them to set some intentions.

Set an intention

Intentions are a wonderful way to keep your goals and priorities at the top of your mind. You can take a few minutes in the morning, when the house is quiet to state your intention for the day. But also come back to them at peak moments of stress, like if you’ve just been undermined as a parent, take a break to re-focus on your intention before you respond. I’ve been finding that, because I’m washing my hands more frequently, if I jot them down on a sticky note and post them on the mirror or wall over a sink then I can meditate on them while I wash up. This is also an unobtrusive way to help other folks in the house who can read to keep these intentions top of mind.

A few examples:

• I will assume the best of them

• I will focus on peace

• I will be the calm I want to be

• Today I will see the light in everybody

• There is more than enough time for everything that is important to me

• I am good enough

• Today I will look for the beauty in small moments

Reduce reactivity so that you are responding consciously and intentionally rather than simply reacting

This means taking really good care of yourself. Nourishing your body with healthy delicious foods and movement that serves you well, whatever that may be (yoga and walks out doors are great options proven by SCADS of research to reduce stress and increase emotional and physical well-being. Also consider nourishing your mind, with positive, gentle, and loving self- talk, and nourishing your soul with activities or experiences that fill you up, rather than drain you. We usually do need to do a few things in our lives that drain us, but we can set boundaries around that, we can limit the number and we can choose to balance those activities with ones that refuel and sustain us. If you know a stressful time is coming soon, plan ahead and make sure there will be time for some fulfilling activities or moments as well. And there is ALWAYS time to treat ourselves with tender loving care.

Model the peace and calm and joy that you’re so wanting to see

When you do this, you put out this aura that is amazingly effective in encouraging calm and peace in others. You are the emotional leader in your home and how you show up has the power to dramatically influence your family. As a parent you have a lot of power and influence over the emotional environment of the home; you set the tone (this is also backed up by research!) and by carefully and intentionally cultivating a mindset and attitude of peace, calm, compassion, and connection, you will be making that more and more likely for the rest of your family too!.

Soothe yourself when you are triggered so you can parent consciously and intentionally and offer yourself, and your family, grace, compassion, and gratitude with this self-compassion meditation for imperfect families…

Three Tools for Helping Your Anxious Child

Does it seem like your child worries about everything, but you don’t know what makes your child anxious or how to help them with their worries?

Are you wondering how to help an anxious child when their worries get too big or start causing behavior problems? 

If you are experiencing this with your kids, I want you to know that you are not alone. Anxiety is one of the most commonly diagnosed childhood mental health disorders, and many are feeling even more anxious given what is going on in the world right now. A lot of people, adults and children alike, are experiencing what is happening right now, this world-wide health crisis and the shut downs and changes it has caused, as a chronic stressor, as a trauma and a lot of us are having our fight-or-flight systems activated right now, which leads to an increase of anxiety and worries.

Although we are in a global pandemic right now, many parents I’ve spoken to are saying that their kids' stress seems to have gone way down since stopping school and they realized that school was a major source of anxiety for their kids. (My own kids for example both stopped biting their nails in the first few weeks of being home). But other kids are worried about their own and their loved ones’ health, are missing friends and relatives, and are coping with big changes that can cause anxiety. 

So, whether your kids are having heightened anxiety or lower levels of worry right now, this may be a really great time to build in new self-regulation and self-care skills so that when school starts up again, your kids will have those tools in their toolbox. 

My goal right now in this two part series (LINK TO PART 1) is to start recognizing anxiety as an possible underlying cause of behavioral problems (Learn more in part 1) and then support you in supporting your kids as they deal with these big feelings and worries.

It is important to remember that we all have moments of anxiety and a little bit of anxiety or worry is good, it keeps us safe, but too much gets in our way, and that’s when we need these tools. One of the reasons I am focusing a lot with my kids and working with these things in a preventative way is so that they have these tools in their toolbox if they come to a point in their lives that anxiety does spike.

If your kids are experiencing some anxieties, worries and stress, the strategies I am going to teach you can be really helpful.

Anxiety Tool: Your own education

There is a great book called “Anxiety Relief for Kids”, it is a really easy read. You can get in on Amazon and it basically teaches parents how to do CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) with their kids.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and Psychoeducation is one of the most effective ways to manage anxiety. So if you are an anxious person and you have never gone to seek therapy for it, then this book would probably be helpful for you. This book will teach you some strategies for everyday conversations with your family and so that it feels more natural to them.

Another book I want to share with you are psychoeducation books geared toward kids. One of these is my kids’ favorite book called “Wilma Jean the Worry Machine”. This book has an activity book which is geared towards school-based anxiety and both of my kids find it really helpful for them.

The other one that my 7 year-old likes is “When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live With Anxiety”. I love this book, it has been sweetly written and it has lots of great tips and tricks.

Another one I also like is a workbook called “What to Do When You WORRY Too Much”, which is for older kids who can do writing for themselves. But you can sit down and partner with your kids to do it too. This works well for some kids, but other kids like to do this sort of thing on their own. You know your kid best.

So for my anxious kiddo, she is sensitive to an adult agenda, and so if I tell her to read a book, she is less likely to read it. So I don’t push it with her.  I just kind of leave it out. You can put them in their room or in your kid’s bookshelf and not even mention them. I find the more I push the more my anxious kid resists, so I really have to take a back seat with her

Anxiety Tool: Mindful Breathing

We know that mindfulness and meditation practices work because we are working on training our body to do the things that it needs to do to be relaxed, calm and turn-off our parasympathetic nervous system to get back into regulation and back into balance. That is what meditation and mindfulness practices do.

Most of the time, kids who are explosive, who are angry or irritable, if you tell them to do some breathing exercises, they are not going to do it. They may even get MORE mad (been there!!). What we want to do then is to invite them to work on those breathing techniques that are proven to calm you down in a fun way outside of the moment so that the calm breathing pattern is a habit for them that they can access during stressful times.

We basically want to help them build a habit that they can easily access in the moment when they are frustrated, that they do not even have to think about, that their body does automatically. Our brains are very  efficient so if we practice something over and over and over and it becomes habitual, we will come back to it in the moments when we need it, when something triggers us.

I am going to share three exercises that are really fun that the kids will love. All three focus on breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth which is a powerful way to regulate your nervous system.

Bubble Bowl

Take a big bowl and put one or two pumps of dish soap, one or two drops of an essential oil that your kids like and then fill the bowl with water, maybe halfway full. You give your kids a straw and tell them to put the straw in the water and then have them breathe in their nose and out their mouth through the straw and it will blow bubbles. Kids love this, it’s super fun!  Be sure to have them wait for the bubbles to pop while they watch. This is a great way for kids to practice dropping into the present moment;watching the bubbles pop is a mindfulness exercise.

Cotton Ball Race

Take Four or five cotton balls and lay them on the ground on your tummies facing your child. Have your child put the cotton balls in front of them and  breathe in their nose and out through their mouth to blow the cotton balls over to you. It is really powerful if you are doing this back and forth because then you are co-regulating. Your brains and your systems are synchronized and harmonized and again that is something that they can come back to when they are upset.

Enjoying the “Pop”

This one takes a childhood favorite, blowing bubbles, and turns it into a mindfulness tool. Start with a bubble wand and again breathe  in your nose and out your mouth to blow the bubbles in a controlled steady stream and then watch the bubbles float away until they pop. Make a deal with your kids that for every bubble they see the moment it pops, that's how many time you’ll blow bubbles for them to chase.

Remember, I want you to practice these three tools outside of the moment. Your kids do not need to know that they are mindfulness techniques that are going to help them be less anxious. Engaging in these breathing techniques will be soothing to their nervous systems and quite fun. And then during moments of heightened anxiety, they will have those in their system as habits to fall back on.

Anxiety Tool: Collaborative Problem Solving 

The other tip I want to leave you with is problem solving with your kids. Problem solving is where you recognize that your child is having a hard time and you partner with your child to solve the problem. You get curious, you help them get clear on what the problem is and then you work together to come up with solutions.  

I just wanted to make sure that you know that when your kid is having an explosion, a meltdown, is feeling really sad, is feeling clingy, when they are in that moment their brain is hijacked. When your kids are having one of those moments, when you are seeing these easy to miss signs of anxiety, irritability, when they are talking about worries and fears, when they are clingy, when they are sad, when they are angry and when they are having a hard time focusing, their brain is offline. 

The part of the brain that they need to be good problem solvers and the part for the brain that they need to be able to talk and form good sentences and the part of the brain that they need to be able to access and talk about their feelings is all offline. Those are the things that they need to do to have a problem solving conversation. ( that is also why you tell them to use one of these strategies that I have talked about in the moment, they often say “no” or get mad, because they are in that fight-of-flight and really can’t process what you’re saying, this is why it’s important to practice them outside of the moment).

In that moment when that is happening is not the time to have a problem solving conversation. You can have those either way before that happens (so you are getting really curious in noticing the early warning signs that an anxiety is happening) or you need to wait until way after & have those conversations during a calm and connected moment. For more tips and support on solving problems with your kids, see these videos (Problem solving with your kids, Problem solving with your kids part 2).

Are you looking for a way to practice your kids to stop themselves when they get the impulse to hit, kick, throw, smash, etc.? Try these Self-Regulation fun games that they will love and help them hard-wire these skills into their brains.

Let me know if you have any questions! If you want to get more support, be sure to join my free Balanced Parenting Community on Facebook!

**Some links in this post are affiliate links. This means I earn a small commission on purchased made through those links at no extra cost to you. This helps support my work and keeps these resources free & accessible!

Five easy to miss signs your child is anxious and how to help!

Have you noticed an increase in challenging behaviors since COVID started? Perhaps there have been more meltdowns and tantrums. Perhaps your kiddo has just seemed on edge, like the smallest little things set them off. Or maybe it’s been hard to get them to focus on school or even a small task, like getting ready to go out to play. Or maybe they just aren’t listening anymore (or never really have). It’s easy to think of these things as behavioral problems and common to try to solve them through parenting strategies, like “time-ins”, boundaries, limit setting, and collaborative problem solving.

But what if these things are simply symptoms of a larger problem? What if underneath that anger or misbehavior is something else that no amount of limits or consequences will solve.

I’m talking about ANXIETY.

Anxiety is a feeling of fear, worry or unease and for us adults it can be pretty easy to tell when we are feeling anxious. And while anxiety is the most commonly diagnosed childhood mental health disorder, it isn’t always easy to spot in kids, because it shows up differently. Today I want to talk to you about anxiety in kids and help you get clear on what that looks like, how we might be missing it, and then in the next post I will give you practical tips for what we can do to help our kids when they are dealing with it, even if our kids are generally resistant to our help and assistance. I am going to share with you mindfulness tools that help with anxiety that in a way makes it palatable and easy for the strong-willed kids that we have.

Now, sometimes anxiety is easy to spot in our kids, like if they are worried about something or they are anxious or nervous. They might be scared for us to leave, they might be worried about monsters or bad bad dreams they are having. They might be biting their nails or twisting their hair or chewing their hair. Those are the things that we can look out for, visible things that we can see but anxiety doesn’t always show up in these more classic ways. Sometimes anxiety in kids looks like misbehavior or anger, and if we try to deal with those things without dealing with the underlying cause, anxiety, then we are really only treating the symptom, and not the root cause: anxiety.

Here are five easy to miss signs that your child may be experiencing anxiety.

Anger

There are some signs that often are harder to recognize and that is because they look like something else. One of them probably the hardest to see is anger or irritability.

All folks who are experiencing anxiety have the possibility of having irritability as one of their symptoms; even adults can be irritable when they are anxious. (yup…guilty!)

If you are seeing this in your kids, that chronic irritability or quick flashes of anger that seem to come out of nowhere, that can be one sign that they are managing a lot of stress and worries and their self-regulation reservoir is running low. This makes it hard to be flexible and easily handle life’s daily stressors.

Defiance, Refusal and Avoidance

Saying “no”, refusing to do what we ask, refusing to do things that are new to them or that they struggle with, avoiding new situations; these are all things that can seem behavioral but may actually have to do with worries or fears that they might be having in these situations.

Refusal or avoidance are big signs that your kids are struggling with something related to anxiety. If that’s happening a lot slow down and get curious about what they may be feeling or thinking in those moments.

Aches and Pains

Your kids also might be displaying some psychosomatic symptoms. These are unexplained physical complaints that have to do with our mental and emotional state. Things like stomach pains, having a headache, muscles hurting or trouble sleeping.

Getting kids in touch with how their body is doing, how their body is feeling and helping them understand that our bodies are very good at letting us know when something is wrong and that’s a GOOD thing. It’s our body’s way of helping us pay attention, slow down, and take care of ourselves.

Lack of focus

When our fight-or-flight system is activated we are constantly scanning our environment for danger and for information that we need in order to survive. This is a basic survival function of our fight or flight system and chronic anxiety can trigger that system. So it’s really hard to be focused and pay attention to things when we are in fight-or-flight or experiencing anxiety. Not being able to focus on schoolwork or getting easily distracted is very common.

We can help our kids by slowing down and helping them figure out what they need to feel safe and calm so that they can focus. Grounding exercises can be really helpful for this. Good ones include noticing one thing with each of your five senses: sight, taste, touch, smell, & sound.

Sadness or clinginess

In some kids instead of getting angry or irritable when they are at the end of their rope they get sad and seek out connection and snuggles. If you are pushing down your anxiety or managing new stressors, it can really be exhausting and that can look a lot like depression or sadness. And when kids feel overwhelmed and dysregulated and go to a sad place, they often want their attachment figure, their parent or caregiver, to help them through that with snuggles or play.

Clinginess can also be a part of this, where they do not want you to go or leave the room, they do not want you to run to the store, they do not want you to go upstairs, they do want to be alone by themselves. Those are all signs that they might be experiencing some anxiety.

Anxiety manifesting as sadness like that often makes us want to connect with them and hold them. Those kids are lucky. Those kids whose anxiety manifest in a more angry and irritable way, those are unlucky kids that are at risk for being rejected, but it’s all the same underlying thing: anxiety, worry, fear. So if we happen to have a kid that gets angry and irritable it’s so important that we remember to soften toward them, just like we would if they were getting sad.

If you’re looking for a way to bring a bit more compassion to your family, my free guided Self-Compasison meditation is designed to be used with kids (my kids even helped me write it!). Grab your copy here:

Let me know if you have any questions! If you want to get more support, be sure to join my free Balanced Parenting Community on Facebook!

Four Step Process for Parenting Peacefully While Triggered

It happened again today…

I got triggered and had a moment of not parenting in a way that is true to my higher goals and core values.

One of my triggers, like so many of you I’m sure, is my kids not listening to me. 

I was offering to run up and grab their clothes for the day, neither one responded to my question even after asking 3-4 times. So I just went ahead and got the clothes. When I brought them down both kids were like, “Ew no! We aren’t wearing those we wanted something else!”

And I saw red.

Here are the unfiltered thoughts that went through my head: 

“They are so ungrateful!”

“No one listens to me!”

“No one values my effort”

I felt unseen, unheard, and unvalued. Those feelings hurt, and when we take action from a place of hurt very rarely do we act in alignment with our core values or higher purpose. 

Well, that’s exactly what happened. I won’t get into the details, I wasn’t my best self for a couple of minutes, but that’s not what I want to focus on because I know you likely already know how that story goes. Attempts to control, tears (them), guilt (me). And while I didn’t yell, it was still not too pretty.

What I want to tell you is HOW I recovered and repaired and give the steps for that. 

1.) You have to become aware that you are caught up in unconscious thought and old scripts. This takes practice. Sometimes awareness is instantaneous for me, especially for triggers I’ve done a lot of work and healing around (more on that work in this weeks podcast that goes live tomorrow!).

2.) Bring awareness to your thoughts and their consequences and evaluate the thoughts for if they are TRUE. Is it true that no one listens to me ever? Nope, not even a little. Is it true that no one appreciates all I do? Nope. Even if they don’t say it, I know they do. Plus I (ME!) offer myself appreciation and gratitude each day. 

3.) Then get in touch with what is REALLY happening, as opposed to the story you’ve been telling yourself. The reality was that I hadn’t practiced my best respectful parenting from the very beginning of this interaction. I had called out to them from the kitchen and expected them to shift their attention to what I was saying instead of joining them in their world, connecting first, and then asking them. I had expected them to put aside their play agenda in favor of my adult agenda (getting dressed). Talk about unreasonable expectations! The reality was that I hadn’t set any of up for success!

4.) Time to walk it back. I validated their perspectives: “you were concentrating very hard, it’s hard to hear someone when you’re concentrating.” I took responsibility, apologized and asked for a do-over: “I’m very sorry I spoke in a stern voice. I was feeling frustrated that you hadn’t answered me, and then didn’t like the clothes I brought. I see now that things could have gone differently if I’d started differently. Can we try again?”

Want me to walk you through this process each and every time you get triggered?? Then you need the Yelling Recovery Workbook!

What Mom's REALLY want for Mother's Day!

What Mom's REALLY want for Mother's Day!

I asked over 5,000 parents who identify as moms in my private parenting groups what they REALLY want for Mother's Day...

It was distressing how UNSURPRISED I was by their answers...

A nap.
A day where they don't have to cook or clean.
An hour of silence.
A day where they get to have fun with the kids, but do none of the hard work of parenting.
A day where the kids by default go to the other parent.
A day to themselves.

They spoke to a truth that all primary caregivers know:

That we are tired. That we are overwhelmed. That we are overworked. That we feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated.

If this is resonating for you, today, I want to speak to your partners.

Send them this post so they can see the video that I shared yesterday that has Four Gifts That Your Partner Actually Want For Mother’s Day.

Don't worry, I will be kind and compassionate. Because I know that they are also doing the best they can. This isn't their fault, its culture, society, the way we were raised. It's unconsciousness. But it's also time to wake up! Because once you know better, you can do better!

Share this with anyone and everyone who needs to see this!

Here we go:

Four Mother's Day Gifts Your Partner Actually Wants!

Your partner doesn’t want another $20 necklace. They don’t want breakfast in bed. They don’t want a stressful family outing that they have to plan, prep for, and manage themselves. These are the things they really want for Mother’s Day this year:

**Is video better for you? Scroll to the bottom!

1. Consistent, reliable respite that they don’t have to ask for.

Don’t wait for them to ask for time away, or a break from childcare, cooking, house management duties. Be proactive build balance into your family’s daily way of being. Maybe this means that on weekend mornings they get to sleep in, or maybe on Sundays they don’t have to even think about what people in the family are going to eat. Find out from them what they need a consistent break from and build that into the expectations in your family.

Proactively look for ways to ease their load!

2. Daily witnessing

When your partner says they feel “unappreciated” they really mean that they feel “unseen” or “unwitnessed.” I KNOW that you appreciate all that your partner does! This isn’t about saying “Thank you” it’s about saying “I see you and everything your do.” And you should find a way to say this each and every day.

You chose your partner for a reason. You chose to have a family with them and you agreed to be a witness to one another’s lives. And in the busy, day-to-day of parenting we can start to become passive observers of each other’s lives, rather than ACTIVE WITNESSES to how we show up and impact each other. Witnessing is incredibly powerful, so I challenge you to give it a shot and see what happens!

3. Alignment in parenting

Do you wish you were more on the same page as parents? Do you feel like you get undermined or told that you’re doing it “wrong” all the time? Does it make you want to just give up or step back and defer to your partner? Or does it make you want to dig in and do things your way? Either way, it likely doesn’t feel good to EITHER of you!

If your partner has been asking you to try to get on the same page, if they have been wanting to feel more aligned with you in parenting, this is a gift you CAN give them! This is something you can take the lead on! How amazing would it be to say to your partner:

“You have been working so hard to help our family be more peaceful and connected. And I know how important this is to you. And what’s important to you MATTERS to me, so I’m going to take this ACTION (Read a book, start listening to a podcast, TAKE A COURSE!) as my gift to you this Mother’s Day, so you don’t have to be alone in this any more, and I’d love for you to join me.”

I promise, it will BLOW THEM AWAY!!! And if you’re looking for a course to take, may I humbly suggest my own? If your partner forwarded this article to you they likely already feel aligned with the way I teach parenting, and they would likely love the opportunity to take their learning with me to the next level! And, I’m having a Mother’s Day Sale today that really and truly is too good to miss.

4. A motherhood that they don’t need a break from

Most of the moms I spoke to expressed some desire for a “break” from their typical duties and responsibilities as moms. This is telling. It tells me that their plates are too full. That DOESN’T mean that you aren’t doing enough!! It just means that they are doing TOO MUCH. Them feeling like they have too much on their plate doesn’t mean anything about you and what you contribute. So often when we hear that someone is overwhelmed we take this as a criticism, that we aren’t doing enough. We take that personally and respond defensively, but when we do that we MISS THE POINT and we miss an opportunity to connect with the partner that we love deeply and we miss the chance to SHOW them through our actions that we can set aside our own feelings and hold space for theirs. This can be hard to do, but just remember. Their overwhelm isn’t about you and what you’re not doing. Let that narrative or voice go and SEE your partner in their struggle, and let yourself connect to that so that you WANT to reach out and ease their load. Because I KNOW that would be your natural response to this person that you love if your own stuff wasn’t getting in the way of that.

Ok, so which of these four things are you going to give to your partner??

WATCH THE VIDEO HERE!

Video Block

Double-click here to add a video by URL or embed code. Learn more

Three Reasons Your Child Might Suddenly Start Having Accidents

Three Reasons Your Kiddo Might Suddenly Start Having Accidents, Regress in Their Potty Learning, or Start Resisting Using the Bathroom.

When children experience big changes and stressors in their lives, such as introducing a new sibling, moving to a new home, transitioning to a new school or daycare, or, as is the case right now, a global health crisis that is radically changing their and our lives, it can absolutely impact their bathroom habits.

Right now I’m hearing from parents and clients all over the world about how their toddlers and even their older children, are suddenly having accidents again, are wetting the bed, or are refusing their normal toileting habits, or even holding for long periods of time. And parents are feeling an understandable range of emotions about this, from compassion and concern to frustration and anger, sometimes all at the same time!

And I get it. Shortly after my youngest was born we went through something very similar with my older daughter. I won’t get into the details out of respect for her privacy, but we used the information I’m sharing below to shift our lens and mindset around the problem, and used the tools I share to support her in coming back to a balance, anxiety free place around the issue.

Top Three Reasons Your Child Is Having Potty Troubles

REASON #1: CHANGE IN BIOLOGICAL RHYTHMS

Human beings are rhythmic creatures by nature. I’m sure you’ve noticed that your kids (and maybe even yourself and your spouse) have a time of day when they usually use the bathroom. We are also likely to get hungry around the same times everyday regardless of when we last ate. We have cells dedicated to maintaining our hormonal rhythm and cycle. And kids are even more impacted by changes in their rhythms. When there are big changes in our lives many many parts of our days can be thrown off. Read more about the importance of rhythm here.

SOLUTION: Return to rhythm! You can download a free workbook to help you do just that here!

REASON #2: DYSREGULATION DUE TO STRESS RESPONSE

When children (and adults!) experience major or chronic stress, it impedes our executive functioning, like impulse control, inhibition, attention span, and memory. For young children who already have underdeveloped abilities in these areas, stress has an even greater effect on them. So while it may seem like a child is purposely having accidents, especially if they are lying about it or denying they have to go, they likely are doing the very best that they can.

SOLUTION: Reduce stress and increase regulation through self-care and co-regulation. For kids self care often simply looks like playing. You can find out more on how to help kids process and release stress through play here: www.laurafroyen.com/healingthroughplay

REASON #3: CONTROL.

When children (and adults too!) experience big changes that are out of their control they often react by attempting to exert control in the areas where they have complete power. This helps us feel like we have some choices and power in what is happening to us. And kids have ultimate control over very very little in their lives. They control what goes into their body, what comes out of their body, and when they sleep. This is why during times of stress we see kids get super picky, start having toileting troubles, and have difficulty sleeping.

SOLUTION: Offer choices and abundant opportunities for autonomy, both around the potty issue specifically, but also more generally. Allow them age appropriate choices on clothing, activities, and food. It’s also important that you understand where your power is in this issue. You do NOT want to get in a power struggle with a child over anything really, but ESPECIALLY on using the potty. No one will win and likely everyone will end up in tears, and the issue can become even more entrenched.

My number one recommendation here is to state matter-of-factly, and super kindly, that pee and poop go in the potty or in a pull up/diaper and you really don’t care which (and NOT in a “shame” laden way!), and let them choose. I know that can seem like going backward, but I promise, it will suck all of the power out of it and give them the sense of control that they are seeking. I have coached more families through this issue than I can count.