Episode 176: How Understanding Anxiety Styles Can Help You Be Unflustered with Amber Trueblood
/In this episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we will dive into how understanding various anxiety types and styles can keep us unflustered. To guide us through this insightful conversation, we have a new guest, Amber Trueblood, author of "The Unflustered Mom." Amber is not only a licensed marriage and family therapist but also a mother of four boys. Join us as Amber shares her expertise and practical strategies to be unflustered.
In this episode, Amber and I discuss the following:
Exploring the concept of being an unflustered mom
Five anxiety styles and how to identify your style
How to support and help kids navigate their emotions using insights from anxiety styles
I hope this conversation inspires a deeper understanding of recognizing these styles, guiding a more harmonious and purposeful parenting journey.
Connect with Amber directly to delve deeper into these topics or to share your thoughts. Reach out via email at truebloodamber@gmail.com or visit her website www.ambertrueblood.com. You can follow her on Facebook @ambertrueblood, Instagram @ambertrueblood, and on Youtube @ambertrueblood.
Resources:
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody, on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be having a conversation about how we can stay unflustered during the holiday season by understanding different anxiety types and styles and how they impact our communication and interactions with those around us and kind of with our life. So for to help us with this conversation, I have a new guest for our show, Amber Trueblood. She wrote a great book called The Unflustered Mom and I'm so excited to have her here with us. Amber why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do?
Amber: Hi, Laura. Thank you so much. And you know, on my screen, first of all, it says Cameron and we talked about that right away because, yeah, I have his computer, my son's computer. And so starting off the day with like, oh wait, his computer has totally different inputs, inputs than mine. Let's figure out how to deal with this. So, you know, just know you're not alone. We're doing podcasts and we look like we have all our stuff together. But no, no, we're just.
Laura: We're all human.
Amber: Our morning probably went the same as you. And, yeah. So my background is, I am a marriage and family therapist, a licensed therapist. I have four boys at home and actually they're at all at school right now. Which is lovely. I know we did, we did several years of homeschooling. So I've had all kinds of different types of, of logistical experiences here and educational experiences. But, and right now they are 10, 11, no not 11, 10, 12, 14 and 16 years old, all boys. And I love like, what really powers me up and refuels me the most is when I can connect with other people and share the tools and strategies that I've learned that I've developed that I've, you know, learned from other people that I've read about that I've tweaked and formulated all those things so that I can help you out there live a life that is less flustered, you know, that feels more in control where you're more in control, where you're feeling at peace, where you're feeling confident and like heaven forbid where you actually are having fun, like you're not just surviving it and, and, and you know, we use the word drive a lot, right? But like literally just like, like, did you have fun yesterday? You know, like you asked your kids, oh, did you have fun? You know, the focus often is on the joy of those, the safety and happiness and joy of those around us. And I think that you really are gonna not only enjoy your life more but show up in a way that you really align with like as a parent or as a partner or as a coworker as a boss, like you're gonna be able to be your best self when you're unflustered as well. Does that make sense?
Laura: It does. You know, I loved hearing your systems thinking I, my background is in marriage and family therapy too and I just heard it come out, you were talking about all the kind of the different systems that were embedded in as h ans and the, the individual being in a place, a good place, a well taken care of place, a nurtured place impacts all those systems that we're in. So it's so important.
Amber: Like, it's not selfish. I just want to like, it's the opposite of selfish. It really, really, it doesn't feel like that, right. Because for a myriad of reasons and we get that, but the more we can catch ourselves like, oh, taking a nap in the middle of the day right now, like, because I actually do have 20 minutes before I have to do this or that. And I see the laundry or see, but I'm going to make a choice that's actually the opposite of selfish. It's really, really taking care of myself. So that when I go to pick up I'm not distracted, I'm not exhausted. Like I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be safer in the car. I'm gonna be less likely to leave my purse, leave my purse at home and then my, you know, can't find my cell phone and then I'm snapping at everybody and then we all know how that escalates and snowballs.
Laura: It does.
Amber: And effectively the mood and patience and flexibility of everybody else.
Laura: Exactly. Yes, yeah. Okay. So you, you use the word unflustered and I, I feel like that's a word that we might all have different ideas about what that means. I'm curious about your definition. What does it mean to be an unflustered mom?
Amber: Yeah. Well, it's a little misleading. Really, first of all, because, you know, I'd like to add like a little caveat, like temporarily unflustered, often unflustered, learning the skills to go on. Yeah. But like not permanently, you know, like there's nothing that's just like, oh, check, I am now unflustered mom, like you're a robot, maybe if, maybe if you're a robot that will work, but if you're h an, you're gonna have these emotional ups and downs and that's what makes life lovely in a lot of ways. Right? So, you ha you have to have all of that. So, you know, my book and my teachings are all about giving you the tools and strategies, like also the support and the insights so you can kind of understand how you work emotionally maybe differently than your partner or differently than your coworkers or your best friend or your neighbors because we're all really individual. So I love to help people find what works for them and not only from like a perspective but also like, okay, what does that mean about? Like, how am I, what am I going to do the last 15 minutes before I go to bed differently than I did the last five months of my life? And how is that going to impact me? Like, what am I gonna do when I first wake up in the morning differently? That's going to help me feel more unflustered, more often, more easily the rest of the day.
Laura: Okay. And so I think, you know, in your book, you detail kind of how to do that, how to figure out what you need.
Amber: Yeah.
Laura: What your individual needs are. And it has a lot to do with different types of styles of anxiety.
Amber: Yes.
Laura: Can you talk about the five styles that you teach in your book and what they are and how we can figure out which we are?
Amber: I would love to. Okay, so here, you know, if anybody has heard of like the five love languages or, you know, there's all these quizzes online with like understanding your personality type, yes you know. Yes, exactly. So this is yet another way to look at your own emotional needs and kind of click for you hopefully, you know, my, my goal is to have people say, oh my gosh, I get it. Now, I get why when XYZ happens. So say like soccer practice gets canceled and all of a sudden, you know, we, we, we got invited to go camping for the weekend. Why I'm like, oh my gosh, this is the, this is amazing. This is great. We get to spend all weekend together and it's this like impromptu spontaneous, like family oriented thing.
So that would be something. and I'll go into details later that for instance, the lover anxiety itself would just be like, yes, yes, yes, I love this. Whereas the executive style who is a lot more oriented toward planning, organizing, knowing what's to come being very structured. Like that kind of last minute switch is going to feel very jarring potentially, right? And so they might react like, okay, wait, wait a second. Okay, I had all these other things I was going to do. We actually we were going to have your mom and dad over. So and it's not to say they are not, they don't want to spend time with family or that's not even the most important thing on their list. It may very well be, but they're gonna need more transition time to like regroup, rethink out the weekend, before they're going to get excited. So if a lover is partnered together with an executive and something like that happens, imagine if you know that about yourself, right?
Laura: Right.
Amber: So like if you know that about yourself, then you can communicate, maybe take the other person's reaction a little bit less personally because it can even work backwards. So, like, the executive could be like, you don't even care. Like, I actually, I actually spent a lot of time planning this lunch for your parents because we haven't seen them in three months and your blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like, you just came in and, like, threw that out the window and expect me to just change it all. Like, how, like that can feel very disrespectful.
Laura: Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you're talking about making sure that everybody feels seen and heard and valued for the unique individuals that they are.
Amber: So how do you figure out your type? Like, how do you figure out which one you are? So, I have a quiz, but I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go into detail here and then anybody or if you can't help yourself and you'd, like, have to know right now. You can go to flourishquiz.com, flourish quiz.com and, and just answer the first thing, that kind of your gut reaction, it will give you two choices and you just, you don't want to overthink it because sometimes they're really close. Sometimes you're like, ah, kind of depends on the day I might answer this. Sometimes it's like, neither, you know, and that's purposely set up that way.
Laura: Sure.
Amber: So that it's a robust, thing because some of there's overlap between all the different five anxiety styles. So the five are The Lover, The Fighter, The Executive, The Visionary and The Dynamo and all of these types have different contributing factors. So what happened earlier in your life or what kind of emotional, not necessarily trauma, but what, you know, big emotional markers make you you. But as we know, like because we see siblings who have the same parents and have, you know, experienced a lot of the same environmental processes and they're totally different emotionally, right?
Laura: Right.
Amber: So that's just you know, possible contributing factors. And then there are, you know, emotional triggers, like I would mentioned earlier, there's some things that are gonna trigger a, a visionary that are not gonna trigger a dynamo at all, right? And and then there are ways you flourish like, and so that's what I want to share here is like for the, the holidays, for instance, or any, any period of time where you're like, okay, man, I gotta gear up like I need to raise my emotional base account because it's gonna be challenged because I have too much on my plate right now or, you know, I have unrealistic expectations for myself right now or whatever that might be. So understanding your anxiety style can then help, you know, know what triggers are likely to happen so that you can like either avoid or minimize those. So that you can communicate those to other people.
Like, hey, just so, you know, when we're going to be, you know, packing for this trip, I'm going to need XYZ. Right? So you can anticipate your emotional needs and communicate them better and then also know what you need to refuel yourself specifically. Like, okay, I know I'm gonna need a walk outside by myself every morning. Okay,0 so if the kids are getting up and they're playing with their cousins, I'm gonna like set my alarm earlier, grab a cup of coffee down the street and just disappear for 15 minutes. Like, right? So you can anticipate your emotional needs and know for you that that's gonna be much better than, for instance, somebody else kind of like introvert, extrovert things too, right? When you know what fills you up. So, okay, so let me ask you which, which one do you want to delve into first? Got lover, fighter, executive.
Laura: Let's just start with the lover.
Amber: Okay, so lovers are going to be really all about, not only their connection with the people they care about most, right? So they're about quality time about feeling needed, feeling, wanted, feeling like like I, you wanna be around me, like the people I care about wanna be around me like I'm liked and loved and cherished. So and everybody has the the right like that's, that's a very human thing where it goes a bit further where you know, like oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah is better it's kind of better to look at where you might get triggered. And if you're like, oh, that wouldn't bother me at all, then you're probably not a lover, right? So, a lot of lovers will get triggered for instance. So say you're on social media or you're on a friend's, you know, Instagram and you see that, they went out to lunch last week with a bunch of friends, like people, you know, and they were like just down the street and.
Laura: No one called you.
Amber: Nobody called you. And so like it's a very common reaction to be bummed. I mean, some people might be like, I don't want to go to that anyway, like I prefer, I prefer one on one time with these girls or I don't want to go out to a restaurant at night or whatever. But lovers will tend to really spiral with that emotion like, oh my gosh, is she mad at me? Did I do something to offend her with my kid? You know, like I'm just spiraling off with no basis. In fact, just all of these potential worst casee scenarios and it really, really begins to bother me, really hurts my feelings. So lovers are going to be really triggered by that.
Now these are kind of less like for instance, there's some people who are like, oh yeah, I used to be like that totally. But now I know and I have kind of a checks and balance system for myself and you've already then learned the skills to modulate. Yeah, to help modulate some of those emotional reactions, which is fabulous. It's also what's going to fill you back up, right? So, it's also asking your partner or your kids for time with them in a way that really lights you up. So time without devices around, like, even if it's just five minutes, like, hey, let's go, let's go for a quick walk around the block before you start your homework, right?
Laura: Yeah, yeah.
Amber: Or, or, you know, let's put down our phones and like cuddle up and watch a show together with your partner, you know, so it's asking for things that really fill you up and and then also, and I recommend this for everybody no matter what your anxiety style is, is them being sure to tell the people around you how it made you feel. Like what? Because we're really good at saying what takes us off, right?
Laura: Yeah.
Amber: Like what aggravates us, what frustrates us, what hurts our feelings. Not everybody's great at that, but a lot of us get to a point of frustration where it comes out. But we don't spend quite as much time and energy saying, oh my gosh, when you did that, when we laid on the couch together last night for a few minutes, like, even though you were busy, like it just really filled my heart like it really made me feel special. It made me feel happy, it made me feel happy. The reason I say that is like, don't assume it's obvious, you know what I'm saying?
Laura: Yeah.
Amber: Like, don't assume everybody knows what makes you happy. And so if you, if it's something or somebody said or did that, you would like to see more of in your life, like go out of your way, be like that made me really happy. Thank you. Like that was amazing. It's awesome.
Laura: I love that authentic feedback. That's beautiful.
Amber: It's priceless. And it's something that it's easy to get out of the habit of doing so much so that it feels weird when you do it. So it might take some practice. All right. Should we hit another one or you have? It's about the lover.
Laura: I think I got the lover. I, I do have a question but I think I'm going to save it or when I, we've heard them all. So what about the visionary? I think that let's do them next.
Amber: Yeah. So visionaries are very like is in the title like focused on the future. Focused on a big dream, a big impact that often the people around them and sometimes see them themselves. They don't see all the little steps to get there. They're not really concerned with like, okay, then I have to do this and I have to do this, but they're very focused on this big goal. And it's almost like this visceral feeling of like, I'm meant to be doing something really, a lot more like I my purpose here is big and sometimes there are people who are comfortable saying that out loud and other times they just feel it, but they don't feel like they can share it.
And so one of the things that I recommend a lot with visionaries is that they find other visionaries to connect with even just one or two people where you can freely like really release your wings, you know, spread your wings and be like, oh my gosh, like I wanna create this whole network of 10,000 chains of, you know, probiotic, you know, for new moms or whatever it is like, I'm just making up something here but like where you can, you know, where, where it's not what's to be received like, oh my gosh, that's awesome. I actually know somebody who did something like that but with for babies, like, do you want to talk to her? Like, okay, like really surrounding yourself with big vision thinkers? It's gonna be beautiful. For visionaries what might drain and trigger visionaries is, hey, here's this list of tiny minutia things that I need you to take care of. I mean, again, something that most people don't like to do a lot of, I mean, not all, but this is going to drain a visionary, a lot kind of take their light away.
Laura: Okay.
Amber: And also visionaries. So each of these has different, like, visionaries tend to be more future focused than in the present moment. Right?
Laura: I was gonna ask that if they have struggled to kind of stay in the present moment.
Amber: Yes. Yes. Whereas lovers tend to be really good at focusing in on the a present or focused on the past, less, less concerned about the future. I mean, there can be great planners too. They can totally be, but they have an easier time. I'll say really being present with somebody.
Laura: The visionaries often feel that like depressive kind of the the blues after the holidays. You know, I know lots of folks who get put, throw themselves into the planning, they've looked to the future and then all of a sudden there's nothing to plan anymore.
Amber: That it's a really good question. I think it depends. I think it depends. I think that almost all of these anxiety styles could have that.
Laura: Yeah, got it.
Amber: Yeah, that depth emotionally. It depends Ithink on how much you're, you're filling yourself up, you know, like, and there's, there's so many different strategies in the book. I go to like so much more detail on all of these. So I'm going to try to just touch on like the, you know, just enough key points where you can see this is gonna help me to, to dig deeper. But, you know, visionaries also tend to make decisions with this more intuitive gut instinct feel as do lovers same thing. Whereas like executives and dynamos are more up here. Okay. Let me make a list, let me see what makes sense and it's practical and logical and let me add the pros and cons that it's much more of a mental game than like a gut feeling.
Laura: Okay.
Amber: So, so yeah, that's kind of the, the tweaks with visionary.
Laura: Okay and so who's next?
Amber: We could talk about dynamos since you mentioned them a little bit. So are also very forward thinking. But more practical based, more mental than kind of gut. So they tend to live in the future more than like in the present moment. But when I mentioned like this, the end goal and the visionaries like, don't necessarily like to concern themselves or their gift so much with the details, the dynamos will, we will be like, okay, so if I want that goal, then in nine months, I need to be here and in six months, I need to be here and in four months, I need to be here and then today I need to do this and then in the next 15 minutes, I need to do that like really like do do, do do.
And so dynamos are very achievement oriented. So, whereas lovers are more connection, right? I want to feel wanted, I want to feel loved, I want to feel connected. And I always say that each of these has kind of a life lesson. So this is not something solved by the end of the book, this is like a a life lesson. So lovers, you know, for lovers, what I really want you to do is know, just know that you are enough like your, your value is there your quality of, you know, life, your value as a human is there regardless of what anybody else says or does? Right?
Laura: Yeah.
Amber: So I don't want, I don't want your feelings of self value to go up and down.
Laura: Based on who's reflecting them back to you. Exactly. Exactly. Lover's life lesson is how do I enjoy my life and enjoy the process along that way, along my way, that my big goal. So I'm not just waiting to be happy until I have that those 10,000 stores I can enjoy the process. Like how do I learn to kind of get present and get connected a little bit more to enjoy the process. With dynamos, dynamos kind of gut motivator is achievement, right? Achievement, doing action, acknowledgment for that achievement, right?
So for Dynamos, the life lesson is how do you really feel and know that you're enough already like everything you, you think you're gonna keep achieving because that's what that's what you enjoy. But when you're doing, when you're achieving out of the joy of it versus the proving, right? This like I have to prove I'm, I'm valuable. So I gotta do this next thing I got to write this next book. I gotta write this next book. Like so I always use this example like I just, this is the unflustered mom is my second book and I have the third book is like about to go under contract. The fourth book is the proposals going out. And the fifth book I'm researching, right? It's like, guess which one I am?
Laura: You’re a dynamo.
Amber: I'm a dynamo. So, right. But like if I can write this next book from a place of like, oh, you know, what would be really fun to talk about? Like, you know, what would be really amazing to teach people? Like, oh, I'm so excited to share this stuff. It's gonna be such a better book than it's than if I'm coming from a place of like, okay, well, this book sold 10,000 copies and if I do, if I partner with these other people, maybe this next book can sell 40,000, you know, like what kind of book is going to come out of that energy? Like that approach. This is like, oh my gosh, I'm so excited I have so much more to share since the last book.
Laura: Right? I really love this framing of kind of the different life lessons that the for the, the each style there's a, a lesson that you're here to learn. You know, if you have that style. I really like that. I feel like it's, it's so tempting to think like we're just gonna learn what we need to learn and then we'll know it and then we'll go on with our lives and like that's just not going to happen. And so I seeing these as invitations to get comfortable with getting uncomfortable and yeah, I really, really like that. Okay, so who's after the dynamo? Are we?
Amber: We have executive.
Laura: Okay.
Amber: So executives are also very future oriented and very strategic and practical in their decisions. These are the planners, these are, I want to feel safe and I feel safe and loved when I feel in control, when I can anticipate what's gonna happen. Trust, dependability, loyalty, those are all really, really big important words for executives, right? And so, where executives are gonna feel, you know, triggered or you know, emotionally, not emotionally flustered, we'll say is when, you know, they have friends or loved ones who are canceling on them last minute, you know, not, not dependable, not trustworthy or who are running late all the time, right? So, you know, visionaries might be, you know, so if an executive is together with a visionary that the visionary is like, oh my gosh, I got this great idea. I'm like, in the moment I got like, I want to record a video about it right now. Or I'm gonna record, I've got a great podcast idea. Record it, you know, or I want at least make notes about it could be a few minutes late. Like, with another visionary they're like, oh, go, go, go, do it, do it. Yes, you're in the zone.
Laura: Right now.
Amber: You want to take advantage of that. Yeah. Whereas, you know, so an executive, you know, is if you know that about yourself and you know, what about your partner? You can say, Okay, I know them and they're gonna, it's gonna be longer than five minutes even though they said they have five minutes. So I'm going to go ahead and just change the reservation now, so that I'm not frustrated and, and anxious about it.
Laura: And really too, Amber, what you're talking about is reconstructing the narrative that we have around these actions,
Amber: Oh my gosh, yes.
Laura: Right? And so, I mean, like if we are understanding that this is not coming from a place of disrespect or lack of love that it's coming from some, you know, something that's going on with the person and not something that's wrong with us that they're responding to.
Amber: Yes.
Laura: We're able to be more forgiving and gracious and compas compassionate and feel better about ourselves.
Amber: Right? I know. And then that, and then you're not building up that resentment, you're not building up that you're gonna blow up later. Like there's a later chapter in the book that's all about, it literally compares each two. Anxiety says, so if you have a partner, you know, so if it's like lover and a fighter together, a fighter and executive and it says like, hey, here's a, here are the areas where you're gonna maybe be in more alignment where you can connect and then here's the areas where you're gonna maybe be off in alignment and how you can, how using your understanding of, of where the coming from so that you're less likely exactly what you said to take it personally way less likely to be triggered by it. And you know, oh my gosh, it's gonna save you so many arguments and heartaches and hurt feelings and frustration and we don't have any extra energy for that.
Laura: No.
Amber: I'd love to minimize that for people.
Laura: We don't. So I feel like I want to talk about how this applies to kids and parenting, but I, I know we need to talk about the fighter first.
Amber: Okay, yeah. And so, and, and really, I'll do the life lesson for executives since.
Laura: Oh sure, yes yeah.
Amber: So really, you know, executives often this feeling of like I'm not safe, like I need to have control and structure and know what's coming often that will come from something that developed early on when you didn't have that safety or dependability. And maybe now you do, but you still have that feeling of void whereas you, you're, you're safe, you're probably okay now. maybe not. But if you are so it's about understanding. Maybe I'm safer than I thought and I can really embrace a little bit more of my, childlike, you know, some more play.
So a lot of the strategies I have around executives are doing activities that don't, you can't do right or wrong. Like, there's no writer, like, you know, painting or dancing or hula hooping or singing or whatever. You can't, there's no, like mastering it. Maybe, you know, like you're not, it's not making you money. It's not a revenue stream. Like it's, you know, and, and really like getting playful and silly and if you can like using your body in it too, like whether it's like rolling around on the floor with your pet, you know, playing with a little baby, like, you know, doing things that are physically playful and getting back into your body a little bit more are, are some of the strategies that are really good emotionally for executives.
Laura: I love that. So I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm an executive and all of the things that you were just talked about are my go to self care things, right?
Amber: Yeah.
Laura: But I struggle with them. So like when I start doing art, I'm like, wait, I can't sell this. It's not productive. Why am I doing this? It's a waste of paper. But then I just make myself do it because it feels really good.
Amber: But so you've already tapped into that. It's exactly true. And that's when, you know, it's like it's working right? Because it's, it is uncomfortable. Like, you know, it's so valuable for you and you feel it but you have to like, argue with yourself together. That's how I am about meditation for me. A, a daily meditation practice and being quiet and getting present so hard. But it's, but it's.
Laura: It’s important, too.
Amber: It's a deal breaker for me. I do it every morning and every night and, it makes such a huge impact because it's not a go to, like, for my husband, he just laughs. He's like that. He does those things very intuitively naturally. Like he'll be, he'll take a bath and I'll be like, do you want a book or something? Do you do a notepad? Like, what are you gonna do in there? You know, it's my bright. No. And he's like, no, I'm good. Like he’ll.
Laura: You're just gonna be it.
Amber: Yeah. And he can do that very naturally where I have to like, quiet and wake up early and have a little breathing, you know, thing and have like a whole mantra and I have all these different strategies I could choose from, depending on which ones I'm feeling like that.
Laura: Yeah.
Amber: Like, it's a very different approach. But like you, like, that's what my system physiologically needs and yours, you know, can benefit.
Laura: Yeah, I love that. Okay, fighters.
Amber: I like that, you know, love fighter. Okay, so for my fighters out there, fighters are people who tend to feel very very comfortable in the chaos, feel very at home in in trauma, in challenge, in fighting in conflict. It's kind of where they shine. They may be exhausted from because they might have been doing it a lot in their entire life. But they tend to kind of label themselves as survivors, right? As also as protectors for people, they tend to be the people who early on in their life didn't have somebody who was in a caregiver role that made them allow them to really feel safe, right?
So they learned how to do that for themselves. And now often as adults, if they see a conflict or a bullying situation or an injustice or an unfairness or anything, they will tend to move toward it, right? To get involved, right? This, this impulse to, to protect, to, you know, get, get involved and both out of a sense of like, hey, this is not, right, like this is not okay. You know, I I'm gonna do so even if it has nothing to do with them. So, so the issue with that then is that's exhausting sometimes.
Laura: Yeah.
Amber: Fighting battles on multiple fronts all the time, right?
Laura: Or to be even looking for more drama, more unrest, you know, like if life happens to be peaceful, not trusting it and kind of going, going searching, waiting for the for the other shoe to drop.
Amber: Wait for the other shoe to drop, because that's been their experience that it's gonna drop. So it's like I'm gonna poke it then until it drops because I'd rather know what's gonna happen. You seem, you know, I'm in this new relationship. You seem really great right now. But where are your boundaries? I need to know because I don't want to be surprised when you freak out or you're mad or you're upset or, or you disappear. So I'm gonna poke a little bit, I'm gonna poke a lot at you. So I know because I'm more comfortable in that.
And so, you know, the life lesson with, with fighters then is how can I learn to get a little bit more comfortable right? In, in the calm and the joy and, and know that I'm, I'm worthy of, of maybe having financial, you know, stability and abundance, having a, a loving, healthy relationship, having a, a job that I enjoy, right? So some of the tools like that I have for for fighters are things like asking yourself. Do I have the bandwidth like checking yourself when you're just feeling that like, oh I'm going to get involved. There's this thing happening with the parents at my school, right. Just ask yourself first. Do I have the bandwidth for this right now or can I skip this fight? I skip this one. I'll catch the next one. There's gonna always be something to get involved in. Right?
Laura: Yeah.
Amber: So make it a more conscious decision instead of this impulsive like draw to get involved in all these things.
Laura: Okay.
Amber: Make it. How do we make it a conscious choice? And then secondly is when I am feeling that kind of uh itchy, like I'm, I'm itchy, I'm itching for something. How can I make a healthy choice to add challenge in my life?
Laura: Yeah. This is what I was thinking about with the holidays because the holidays are so filled with challenge anyway. It's easy to go looking for it and find it and blow it up. You know, how can we do it in a proactive but positive way?
Amber: Right. Right. So you're like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna join in, I was gonna say impromptu class. What's it called? Improv? An improv class? Or I'm gonna, I'm gonna learn to play the ukulele and play this for everybody at the Christmas dinner. Right, right in front of everybody and I've never done that before or I'm gonna like, I'm gonna whatever, like, learn how to often. It's, it's like learning something new. That's a little bit scary or, you know, oh, I wanna get in better shape but like, you know, jogging every day for whatever is not, doesn't appeal to me, but I'm gonna sign up for a sprint marathon that's like in two months and I don't even barely know how to swim. Okay, like something like that or I'm gonna make travel plans to a country I've never been in and I don't even know what languages they speak there, but like, let's just do it, let's plan it for March, you know. So, how can you proactively.
Laura: Give yourself a problem to solve.
Amber: Give yourself those problems and challenges in a way that actually adds value to your life.
Laura: I like that a lot. That's really great.
Amber: Instead of leaves you feeling depleted or alone or unsupported or disconnected or broke, you know, like, or hurt, you know, because often we will surround ourselves with people who can reenact those same tra as from early life, right? So how do I stop that cycle? But also, you know what I like, likened it to, when I was writing the book, like, it's almost like if you were born and raised at really high altitude, like, and really, really high up in the mountains and your body is accustomed to like a very low level of oxygen. And then you come down and you, like, move to San Diego where I live and you, and you like at the beach level and it's a lot of oxygen. Like, it's like, it's, it's, it feels a little off for you. And you, and this is terrible way to say it, but like, you're almost like cut off your oxygen level a little bit, you choke yourself a little bit because that's what you're way more comfortable with less air but it's not healthy for you.
Laura: Right.
Amber: It's not, you know, we don't want that, we want you to get more and more comfortable breathing more easily and more readily and you deserve it. So how can we add that, you know, back in a, in a healthier way?
Laura: I like, I really like that idea. Okay, so Amber, I, I feel like as I'm listening to you talk about these and as I was reading through them in your book, I couldn't help but think about my kids. And so yes, super helpful to understand myself and understand my partner. Definitely going to help with interactions, kids, of course, and you know, different personality types and stuff, they're hard to do on kids because, you know, they're, they're younger and stuff. But is there a way to use some of this information to help us support our kids and you know, help them develop kind of, I don't know, in a really healthy way, I guess.
Amber: For sure. So here's what I would say. I totally agree with you. I think they're still, they're still.
Laura: Still forming.
Amber: They’re still forming, they're still experiencing all the things that are going to make them who they become later. So I, I don't like the idea of like labeling anybody anything.
Laura: Of course.
Amber: Anything really early on. However, we can use these insights to say, to notice things about our kids and notice, oh, this when I change things at the last minute. Holy mackerel like these two kids are fine but this one loses it, you know. So, okay, they need a little bit more, you know, information ahead of time. They need a little bit more like the rest of our family all super go with the flow and this kid is, is more jarred by that. It's just different if they were in a family where everybody was like that and there was one, you know, outlier way, you know, it just is what it is. So how can I help them feel more comfortable?
So when you read through all of these in detail and you see your kids in them, then you can think. Oh that, that's why, that's why. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So next time this happens, I can do this instead to help meet their needs, their emotional needs a little bit more. So that is one way you could do it. Another way is, is noticing like where it, it's like communicating with them and helping them understand your emotional needs too.
Laura: Yeah.
Amber: Like, hey, this is how I've learned about myself. And what I love about that is you're modeling to them, which is like the right like the part of parenting way more than we all like to admit it because the hardest way. But modeling to them like, hey, I, I'm learning something about myself and wow, like it's helping me show up, it's helping me be feel happier. It's helping me have more patience. It's helping me helping me have more energy like, you know, and teaching them that like when you have self awareness and insight about your emotional state and your emotional needs and then can communicate that in a kind and compassionate way. Holy mackerel, like you're giving them, you're giving them such amazing, like life ammunition. You know what I mean?
Laura: I so agree.
Amber: Like incredible life skills. So like for instance, when we got a cat during, we adopted a cat during quarantine and stuff and for me, it was so fascinating to see how they each kind of showed their care, you know, showed it how they each like interacted with the cat. Like one of my kids, the 12 year old took on all the like logistical responsibilities, like literally like washes her bowl out every day, like make sure she has this food will tell me like, hey, we need to order more wet food because we're running low like he just was on it. You know, he just took that over. Another one of my kids constantly verbally is saying I love you so much Andy, I love you, we love you. We, you know, like and I thought, oh my goodness, like this is how my kids want to see they're perceiving love. Yeah. And so you know, watching how, what they trigger to and how they tend to calm themselves is gonna be really really good insight for parents as well.
Laura: And I think that's really helpful Amber. Thank you so much. Excuse me. Well, I did that.
Amber: It happens.
Laura: Yes, it happens. So I really, I, I really like this idea and I think that there's gonna be people who want to get a copy of the book. So where can they go to find the book and learn more from you and about you?
Amber: Yeah. Well, and I have a bunch of bonus stuff too. So you get the book anywhere like on Amazon and barnesandnoble.com at target.com and you can get it at your local bookstore. Definitely go ask for it if you don't see it there and they, they'll order it up for you. Also if you, if you like to order from independent bookstores, you go to bookshop.org. and then you, I also have it on audible. So if you just wanna put it on and listen to it, as you're running errands or doing the laundry or going for a walk or driving to work, it, that was really fun to record the audible for it. So it's on audible as well. And I have, actually I have a card deck that I, I'll show it to you. I have like a little card deck that goes along with it.
Laura: Oh fun!
Amber: Yeah. So they're just little inspirational messages and then I have, if you go to my website, which is just my name ambertrueblood.com and you put in your anxiety style. So if you say, oh I'm an executive and you put in your email address, then I will email you all these cool like guided meditations specifically for your anxiety style and then mantras that support that life lesson, right?
Laura: Awesome.
Amber: For each anxiety style. So yeah, so these are these little like I know we're not on video but I'm sure you are.
Laura: Oh no, it's okay. It’s good.
Amber: It's all these little parts about, you know, being present or drinking more water or oh, this is the one that came up.
Laura: I give myself permission to play.
Amber: I can give myself permission to play that one. I love your playful. So so yeah, that's so funny. That was for you clearly.
Laura: Perfect.
Amber: I love it.
Laura: I love when things like that happen. Well, thank you so much, Amber. I really appreciate it. I'll have all the links to those things in the show notes. Thank you so much for sharing this kind of perspective and framework for, for families. So I get to know themselves better.
Amber: Thanks for having me on and I just know hope everybody knows that like you really do deserve to be unflustered, you deserve to be happy and it's not, it's not a luxury or a selfish thing. It really is. I think part of your responsibility as a parent. Yeah.
Laura: And, and our birthright as humans.
Amber: Yes. That's, yeah.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!