Why You Should Have a Yes Day for Your Kids & How to Do It without Losing Your Mind or Breaking the Bank
/
Why You Should Have a Yes Day for Your Kids…
And How to Do It without Losing Your Mind or Breaking the Bank
“Yes Days” are the subject of a beloved children’s book by Amy Krouse (affiliate link), and have been made famous by Jennifer Garner’s featuring of them in her social media, and now a new film, have long been used by parenting educators and family therapists as a powerful tool for deepening connection and infusing positive interactions into a parent-child relationship.
Research shows that healthy parent-child relationships have a 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
When that 5:1 ratio is out of whack you get more defiance and less cooperation. A periodic “Yes Day” can help get that ratio back into balance, and fill your child’s emotional bank account!
There are two ways to have a “Yes Day”:
Option 1: You can tell your child ahead of time and lay ground rules, like if money will be spent, if trips will be taken, how much screentime will be allowed, and plans for balancing meals (no sugar-induced meltdowns please!).
Option 2: You keep it to yourself and just mindfully and intentionally say yes to your child as much as possible (and within reason of course!)
My personal favorite is the second “secret” option!
Ok, now for some Frequently Asked Questions about having a “Yes Day”:
Is saying "yes" more often as well as having designated "yes days" something you do with your own children as well as help you clients work on?
Oh absolutely! We do “yes days” often with our kids, nothing big or expensive, just a day, or even an hour or afternoon, where we set the intention to be open to our kids and their visions, goals, and whims within reasonable safety and financial limits.
I often suggest them to families where it’s clear that the child needs some nurturing, positive, focused attention, but also where the parent needs an opportunity to become aware of just how often they are saying no currently, and evaluate whether that fits with their overarching goal for their children and their relationships.
Honestly, I think most families can benefit from this, and while you’re having a “yes day” for your kids, make sure to throw one in for yourself and maybe your partner too. There is something magical in being open to the influence of those we love and saying “yes” to them.
Were you surprised by what your children did (or didn't) ask for when you started to say yes?
Well, like many parents I had my fears that they would ask for things like watching screens all day or outrageously expensive outings, etc. but I quickly realized that what most kids want is your time and focused attention.
In my daughter’s case, when she was about 2.5 I was pregnant and she was in a tricky developmental phase and we were always at odds with each other. It felt like everything was a battle, and so I decided one day that we needed a vacation from the story we were stuck in, the story where I tell her what to do and she says no and I get distracted by my phone and she acts out to get my attention.
And so I set out to dedicate an entire day to just making her day and we did all of the things that make her feel seen and loved and valued. These were simple things, like a snack on the front step while we listened to birds, a walk to a park, a birthday party for her baby doll, running a sink full of bubbles just to play, baking cookies where I actually let her do everything, etc. Normal, everyday things that kids love and that parents often say no to because they are inconvenient, time consuming, boring, or just not on the agenda for that day.
These “yes days” were like a healing balm for my relationship with my daughter.
They filled both of our cups, they solidified our connection so that when the next tantrum or meltdown rolled around we had a bank account of positive interactions to draw from and we could lean in to it, trusting that on the other side, we would still have our connection. And they also gave me much needed practice in mindfully saying yes and CHOOSING my daughter, CHOOSING our relationship. And putting my phone AWAY!
What are the benefits are to focusing on saying yes to your kids more often? Are there benefits for BOTH the parents and the kids?
There are absolutely benefits for both parents and children to saying yes more often. First, kids hear “no” all day long. From the moment they are mobile, their lives are filled with “no”. “Don’t touch that!” “Don’t eat that!” “Tables are not for climbing” etc etc. And once they are in school, it gets even more intense, and that lack of control over their own lives, and the required level of self-regulation needed to follow all of those directions can be overwhelming and exhausting to children. This doesn’t mean you should always say yes or even that you let yourself be “railroaded” by your kids, but rather that you take a minute to consider if there is a way to say yes, even if it isn’t 100% what the child wanted.
Saying yes opens up the possibilities not just for that moment, but for the relationship. Saying yes, or at the very least saying, “lets work together to find a way for me to feel comfortable saying yes to this,” lets children know that you see them, that you value their perspectives and ambitions, that you’re willing to join them in a goal, that you’re on their side. And engaging kids in this process can teach them valuable creative problem solving and critical thinking skills that will help them be better decision makers in the future.
Plus, when kids feel seen, and heard, and valued, they WANT to cooperate and follow directions. So you not only get to have fun with your kids, build a deeper bond, but they also often listen and cooperate better. Win!
How can a “Yes Day” help improve your everyday parenting?
For many parents that I work with, myself included, our default, without thinking response is: “no”. Setting the goal or intention for a day, or even an hour, to say YES to all invitations from your children within safety and financial limits turns your attention to being mindful of your response and consciously choosing to say yes to your children. This keeps you present so that you are WITH them, not just alongside them. And the more you do it, the better you get at it, and it can become close to second nature.
Where did you learn about/come up with the idea of the "Yes Day?"
Many folks assume I got the idea from Jennifer Garner or the book, but I’d been doing it without calling it that for years! I initially set a goal to say “yes” as a parent while watching my sister with her kids. She is a complete natural at saying yes and one time we were hanging out and her then 4 year old asked to do something. I don’t even remember what it was, something messy I think, and my immediate response in my head was “NO WAY!!” but my sister said, “Let me see if we can find a way to make that work.” I was so impressed! I was in graduate school (and pregnant) at the time and it inspired a whole conversation in my social and emotional development course and a shift in mindset as I transitioned to parenthood.
I started doing intentional full “yes days” with my oldest about 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my second child and she was going through a tricky developmental phase. It was a tool I learned about and taught to families while I was in graduate school training as a family therapist, and I’d seen how well it worked, but I had no idea it was a “thing” with a name until I heard it called a “yes day” in a Facebook Group run by Robin Einzig, a respectful parenting coach. I love that Jennifer Garner is bringing more attention to this really powerful relationship building tool with her social media posts and her new Netflix movie!
We continue to do them regularly. This again really bolsters that connection and it’s wonderful preventative maintenance so that your relationship is robust and ready to bounce back from life’s ups and downs.
What are some misconceptions folks have about Yes Days?
I definitely think the concept of working to say yes more is becoming more mainstream, but I think there are some misconceptions about it. A lot of the parents I talk to think it’s going to be expensive or cause entitlement because they are envisioning shopping sprees at the mall and movie marathons etc. Once they find out that they can make a “yes day” fit in with their usual family values and that a “yes day” doesn’t mean throwing all of the limits out the window, they are usually super excited about it. And when they see the way their kids can really bloom under that careful tending, it can become a valued family tradition. I recently did a series of posts about Yes Days on my Instagram page and while most parents had never tried them they were all super excited to give it a shot.