How to Talk About Coronavirus With Kids at Any Age

Tips for kids of all ages

Put on your own oxygen mask first: Make sure that you have taken time for yourself so that you have processed and managed your own stress and fears so that you can hold space for THEIR questions, worries, and concerns.

Share your calm: You are their source of security and safety, even for teenagers.

Be open and curious and ready to answer questions

Be aware of the media that they are consuming and help them evaluate it and set healthy boundaries with it (and make sure you’re modeling that too!

 Make sure the info your provide is factual, clear and developmentally appropriate

Empower your children. One of the ways humans deal with panic and chaos and fear is looking for ways to feel connected and in control. Talking with your kids about things they CAN do to help their community or loved ones, and then facilitating that will help you all feel like things are a bit more manageable.

Kids 3 and under

Keep it simple and straight-forward. Kids in this age range have very little concept or awareness of the world beyond their own family, and so in talking with them keep things focused on how things are impacting their daily life.
Your state regulates their state: Children in this age are still very “other-regulated” meaning that they “borrow” regulation from their primary caregivers as they learn to be “self-regulated”. That means that they are very in tune with and alert to YOUR internal states. They don’t feel as separate or as autonomous as older children, which means they are more open to your influence. All the more reason to be taking extra good care of yourself right now!

Create a narrative with a reassuring resolution through story-telling: Tell them the “story” of the time that you are in right now.

“One day when you came home from school we found out that there was a new germ out in the world that was making some people very sick. And even though little kids aren’t getting sick, the grown ups who keep us safe decided that everyone should stay home to keep the germs from spreading. So now, instead of going to school (or the baby sitter, or visiting Grandma) we are staying home together. We are spending our time snuggling and reading and hiking and playing and washing our hands. And even though we can’t be together in each other’s houses right now we still get to see Grandma and grandpa and friends etc. And when the grown ups tell us it’s safe for us to be together again, we will get to see all of the people we are missing. And we will have a party with a big cake. What flavor should it be?”

Rinse and repeat: Young children have shorter memories and need more time to process and learn, so you can expect to tell and retell that story repeatedly. You might even consider making it into a book, you can write the words and your kiddo can illustrate it.

Kids in the 3-5 range:

 Much of the above applies for these kids too. They also need a narrative and find comfort in repetition. They may be ready for a bit more information on germs, viruses, etc. Again keep it simple and reassuring:

“You know what it’s like to have a cold or a fever? Well this is kind of like that and most people who get it just stay home and rest and get better. Those who need a bit of help go to the hospital where wonderful doctors and nurses help them.”

This is also the age range where we can expect to see the most processing through play. You can learn more about why that is and how to partner with them in their play-based processing by signing up for my free mini-course here:

www.laurafroyen.com/healingthroughplay

Here is a free book that’s great for that age range:

https://akidsbookabout.com/pages/covid-19

Kids in middle childhood (6-10)

 Kids in this age range have really started to solidify the ability to take on others perspectives AND they have more firmly developed friendships. This means that in addition to worries about their own experience they may also be worried about their friends, teachers, and relatives, especially kids at the older end of this range. They also may be experiencing a lot of loneliness and sadness too, and you might be seeing behavioral changes as a result. Remember that behaviors are communication, so rather than focusing on the behavior, get curious and get under the behavior to the underlying need. They may need more information and facts, but they might also need you to simple hold space for them as they process.

With kids in this age range you can give straight forward, factual information, but you should also spend a good amount of time just listening and getting curious. Find out what they know or what they’ve heard, what they are worried about, what they are missing, and what they are grateful for. And encourage them to come to your for information.

 Tweens

Now is the time to practice sitting back, talking less, and listening more. Continue to get curious and hold space for them. This is also a good age to educate children about being conscious, responsible consumers of media. Help them learn to evaluate a source of information and question possible underlying motives of spinning a story. Help them find reliable resources, all while staying open and compassionate in the way you do this. Kids this age are particularly sensitive to “lecturing”, so keep it conversational.

You may also have to have some conversations around why they can’t see their friends. These conversations can be very empowering, but also be ready to hold space for their displeasure, anger, or grief around these limitations.

Teens

It’s important to understand what’s happening developmentally for teens right now. Just when they are engaged in the developmentally appropriate and biologically driven act of separating well and healthily from their family, they are suddenly prevented from doing it. This is like trying to keep a baby from learning to walk. It is painful and we need to recognize that, at the same time holding firm boundaries around physical distancing expectations.
With this age group in particular I would recommend checking in on their mental health, bringing awareness to and normalizing trauma symptoms, such as feeling numb, wanting to stay in bed, or not being able to concentrate or think clearly (you may be experiencing these too) and supporting them in reaching out to a therapist or counselor via telehealth. 

Do what ever you can to help them get creative and keep their social interactions going, and again, just hold space for them, knowing that sometimes that means GIVING space, and trusting them. If there are issues that come up, try to solve them collaboratively through problem solving conversations rather than taking a top-down, “I’m the boss” approach.

Ok, these are the things just off the top of my head, I’ll add to it if more comes up. If you have questions, drop a comment or send me a message and I will get back to you!

Build Self-Regulation through Play!

Young children are still developing the executive functioning skills they need to keep themselves from hitting, yelling, and a host of other frustrating behaviors!

Now you can help them hard-wire these skills into their brains through fun games they will love!

Why Why You Shouldn't Use a Homeschool Schedule During the Pandemic & What To Do Instead!

Interested in Creating a Homeschool Schedule while Your Kids are Off School Due to Coronavirus?

Consider This… Now may not be the best time to start homeschooling.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE homeschooling and I so admire those who are embracing it as a way of life with their kids. But homeschooling isn’t always for everyone. Sometimes temperament mismatches get in the way, and sometimes it just isn’t feasible for families for a variety of reasons.

But if your kids have been in mainstream school, or even if they’ve been in an alternative setting, like Waldorf, and they haven’t been learning from you already, the adjustment to homeschool and the role shifts that happen with it can take a LONG time. Plus, with the pile up of transitions and changes right now, your kids are likely stressed (whether they say it or not) and aren’t in the best place to be engaged in formal learning right now. Really they should just be playing, because playing is their natural language and their best tool for processing emotions and stress. You can learn more about that in a free class I’m offering here.

What they need right now is to feel safe and stable and that is what the Three R’s (Rhythms, Routines, and Rituals) give children.

THE THREE R’s

Humans are naturally rhythmic beings. Scientists have even found cells in our bodies whose sole purpose is to maintain our biological hormonal rhythms. Our brains are primed for efficiency, making routines a tool that we naturally gravitate toward. We also historically and anthropologically naturally gravitate to rituals as a source of connection and meaning making. Taken together, these are the “Three R’s” and they can be a powerful tool during this time of coronavirus, social distancing, and quarantine to help your children feel more grounded and to allow you to move through your days with ease, even when you aren’t used to being home with your kids all day or you need to manage to work while you’re home with them.

“The Three R’s can help you and your children feel more grounded and to allow you to move through your days with ease, even when you aren’t used to being home with your kids all day or you need to manage to work while you’re home with them.”

So let’s take a look at how we can use the Three R’s to help us all get settled in to this new normal of having kids off school.

Rhythms:

Rhythms help us all feel more grounded and settled. When we know what’s coming next we can relax and settle in comfortably into the here and now.

• DAILY RHYTHMS: This is the general “flow” of your day. You likely already have a daily rhythm; first we do this, then we do this, next comes that, etc. Meals and snacks are often anchors within the rhythm. If going to school and work has been part of your rhythm and now you’re not doing those things, you likely feel unsettled. Establishing a new rhythm will really help you all feel more stable.

  • Having a daily rhythm to fall back on will also help you with the “I’m BORED” and “PLAY WITH ME” while you’re trying to get your tasks done. Rhythms give kids the sense of “this is what we do during this part of the day”.

  • You might consider asking your kids about the flow of their days at school and see if there are any parts of their school day rhythm that you can keep going at home. For example, most classrooms have cleaning up before moving to another task as a part of the rhythm of their day. This is definitely something I’d recommend building in to your rhythm at home too!

• WEEKLY RHYTHMS: This is the general flow of your week, and you likely already have some rhythms established here, like Taco Tuesday, or gymnastics on Thursdays and Soccer on Saturdays. Many of these rhythms are also likely to be disrupted right now, so if there is any way to keep some of these things present for your kids it will go a long way. For example, if your child usually has dance on Tuesday evenings but the ballet studio is closed, consider holding dance class in your home. There are sweet videos on youtube that you can check out. You may also want to consider starting a new weekly rhythm for this new time that you are together. Like perhaps you do sensory play on Mondays, Painting on Tuesdays, a nature hike (with social distancing!) on Wednesdays, etc.

• YEARLY RHYTHMS- This is the seasonal flow that you observe in your family, and again you likely already have them. Perhaps you declutter each winter, deep clean each spring, grill out everyday in the summer, and go on walks after dinner in the fall. Rituals are often closely tied to the seasons as well.

Routines:

Routines are the structure you have around certain parts of your daily, weekly, and yearly rhythm, and again you likely already have some in place, but this is a good time to take a look at what you have in place and consider if they need any tweaks or if your kids would benefit from formalizing them in chart form (not as a reward or sticker system but just so kids can see the routine visually and keep all the steps in mind). If you’d like to learn how to do that, check out this post!

You again will likely need to add in some new routines as you are spending more time together. You can take a moment now to list the things or tasks that generally look the same each time you do them; those are often the tasks that are most amenable to routines. Then jot down the steps. This is something you can do with your kids, having them help you remember all of the steps. Often families have routines around getting ready in the morning, cleaning up after play time, preparing for meals, getting ready to leave the house, and getting ready for bed. Where are times when you already use routines? Do you see the need to add any more?

“If Rhythms give your day flow and routines provide structure, then rituals give your daily lives meaning.”

Rituals

If Rhythms give your day flow and routines provide structure, then rituals give your daily lives meaning. Rituals are touch points of connection that are intentionally and mindfully sprinkled throughout your daily rhythms. They can also be built in to your routines. For example, as a part of our evening meal we usually open the meal by lighting a candle and singing a blessing. We end the meal by writing in our gratitude journal. These are parts of a daily routine and rhythm that make the mundane daily tasks meaningful and serve to communicate our values and deepen our connection.

Ritual may be the thing that you are least aware of in your daily lives, but I would guess that you already have these too, even if you haven’t formally acknowledged them. Perhaps you kiss your kids goodnight in a certain way, or tickle their toes each morning as you help them get their boots on, or play a certain favorite game each night after dinner. Take a moment and think about rituals that you already have and write them down. Think if there are other points in your day where you normally feel a bit disconnected or grumpy. Is there a ritual you could add in there to bring you all back to intention and presence?

I want to hear from you! How are you using the Three R’s to help your children feel more grounded, calm, and peaceful while they are off school due to the pandemic? How are you using them to help you get your work done while at home with your kids? Have you added any rituals to bring deeper meaning and connection to this stressful time? What is getting in your way of establishing some rhythms or routines?

Tell me in the comments or send me a message on Facebook or Instagram!

Tips for Handling After School Meltdowns with Empathy and Respect

After School Meltdowns

Ok, so here's the scenario: you're picking up your kiddo from school, they come out happy to see you, you hug and ask how their day was and start chatting. Maybe you make it to the car, maybe you make it all the way home, but at some point the sweet child you know and love dissolves into a hot mess of tears, yelling, and hitting.

It is like they are a tornado of pent up emotion and energy and they are unleashing it ALL on you.

Does this sound familiar?

Me too! You definitely aren’t alone in this. I know it can be so overwhelming and confusing in the moment which is why I wanted to help you understand why this is happening and how you can approach these moments with compassion (for your child AND yourself) and respect.

WHY AFTER SCHOOL MELTDOWNS HAPPEN

There are two primary reasons after school meltdowns happen. The first is purely developmental. Traditional schooling requires children to use A LOT of self-regulation and executive functioning and is incredibly taxing on their growing brains and bodies. This is so common and developmentally normal that it even has a name: restraint fatigue or restraint collapse. At the end of the day after 8 hours of holding it together, sitting still, controlling impulses and emotions, and navigating complex social relationships with very little time to blow off steam or down-regulate (come back to balance), most kids are just DONE. This is even more true for a kid who is intense, sensitive, or strong-willed. School environments can also be overstimulating to some kids, which can be very hard on their nervous systems. Kids do well when they can, but by the end of the day they simply are out of resources to be able to do well.

The second reason is primarily relational. Quite simply, you are their safe place, the one person that they know without a shadow of a doubt will love them no matter what. All day long they have been holding it together and then they see you and you’re there loving them and hugging them and the flood gates just open. Everything they’ve been holding back, it all just comes pouring out. Now, if it came pouring out in tears and sadness none of this would likely be a problem; but often it doesn’t come out in soft negative emotions (which parents are usually more comfortable with). It comes out in anger, rage, and physical dysregulation (hitting, kicking, falling to the ground, running away). There are a couple reasons why it may happen this way. One possibility is that, because the rely on us as their safe place and they’ve been forced to cope without us most of the day that there is some pent up anger toward us for not having been there for them. Often you can sense this in the undertone or “feel” of their meltdown. These feelings are natural and are rooted in the attachment you have. It’s best to simply accept them, let them flow through you and release them on out, trusting that connection is on the other side. Another possible explanation is that kids who need our love the most often ask for it in ways that make them hard to love. It’s so important to keep in mind that when kids behave in unloving ways they are asking us the question of “Do you love me unconditionally, even when I’m like this?” And know our response in those moments answers that question louder and deeper than any “I love you” ever could.

So, now that we know WHY these meltdowns happen, how can we start supporting our kids to move through them with empathy, compassion, and respect?

First, understand that these meltdowns are NOT personal. They are developmental and physiological and say nothing about how your child feels about you or about your skills as a parent. If anything the fact that your child feels safe enough to let down in this way with you can reassure you that you’ve done something right. They trust you to love them unconditionally and to support them through this hard time.

Second, figure out what they need to “restock” their self-regulation stores, decompress, and to feel more grounded and balanced after a long day at school. Kids need to feel safe to let go and unwind and they feel safest and most secure with YOU! Usually a warm smile and hug (if your kiddo is a hugger and wants one) and a simple, “I missed you.” Is enough. Some kids like a cuddle and some shared reading or story telling. You know your kid best, so you likely already know just what they need to feel connected and grounded. Try not to pepper them with questions, give them some space and let them come to you. I know you’re excited to hear about their day, but they may need some time to process. Some kids need a snack immediately; something with a balance of carbs, protein, and healthy fats is usually best. Some kids need to release pent up energy, so walking home or playing on the playground may really help. Try to get them moving and laughing. Both are great ways to blow off steam and release pent up feelings and energy. They also may need some time just to PLAY. Independent play is incredibly healing for children of all ages, it’s their natural way to relax. Have one of their favorite things, like Lego, dollhouse, magnatiles, blocks, art supplies, sand tray, etc. out and ready to go for when they get home. 30 minutes of play won’t eat into homework time and it will do them so much good!

Third, hold space for their big feelings. The previous stuff was primarily about prevention, but what about when, despite your best efforts to help them soothe and heal from the day, they still have a meltdown? Well, I would love to see you shift your mindset about these meltdowns. Rather than see them as something bad that you want to avoid, if you can start to see them as a much needed and very healing release for your child, things will go much more smoothly. We all have times when we need to let it all out or get things off our chests, and we feel SO MUCH BETTER when we are finally able to. Your child is just the same and sometimes a big, healing cry is exactly what they need. People (and kids are people too!) often don’t need much from their loved ones in these moments other than their loving, connected, and compassionate presence. You don’t have to say much beyond “this was a hard day” or “I’m here, I hear you.” or simply a soothing “mmmmmm uhuh”. Some kids will want to snuggle as they release, some will want to blow off steam in private. Some will need to move through anger before softening and others may just collapse into tears. There is no “right” way to have an after school meltdown and our job as respectful parents is to simply respond to the child in front of us in this moment.

The best way to figure out what they need to feel better after a long day is to ask them!

They are, after all, the experts on their experience. It’s best to ask about this during a calm, connected time when they are well-rested and fed. Weekends can be a great time to make a plan for the following week. You can start the conversation by simply stating, “I’ve noticed you’ve been having a hard time after school lately. What’s up?” and going from there (no need to list all of the problem behaviors, they likely already know them).

So, what is your experience with after school meltdowns? What helps your kiddo unwind and decompress after a long day? Let me know in the comments below or join the discussion over in my Balanced Parenting Facebook Group!

YOUR STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE  TO CREATING RHYTHMS, ROUTINES, & RITUALS

THAT BRING MORE CONNECTION, EASE, & JOY INTO YOUR DAILY LIFE

Proven strategies to bring more flow and peace to your day created for overwhelmed, disconnected parents who want to slow down, connect with intention, and enjoy their lives!

Morning Routine Chart

Rock Your Mornings with a Routine Chart

One of the questions I get most often is how to manage getting out of the door in the morning without fighting and yelling. It seems almost universal that mornings are hard, and for good reason! There is a lot to do, parents are getting themselves and their kids ready, folks are distracted and the kids may be experiencing some mixed feelings about leaving home for the day. All of this is normal, but just because mornings can be stressful, doesn’t mean they need to rife with conflict.

Here is a quick tutorial for the Morning Routine Chart that has made our mornings go so smoothly for the past few months.

We used to have constant fights, resistance and yelling (from the kiddo) around getting out of the house on time for school. All of that changed when we figured out that my daughter really wanted to move through her morning routine without being told what to do. So she and I made this chart together, for free, and it’s been going so much more smoothly since then!

I want to be super clear that this chart is a tool only and it is NOT used punitively. There are no stickers or rewards or punishments associated with this chart, it’s simply a pictorial checklist that can help remind a child what’s next in the morning flow. It works best when the child takes some ownership in the process, so I suggest sitting down with them, brainstorming the usual things they need to do each morning, and then working together to make the chart so that it is personalized and meaningful for them. They will be much more likely to use it if they have helped make it!

Here is what the chart looks like and below you’ll find a short video showing you how to make one for YOUR kiddo for free!

Let me know if you have any questions in the comments (or send a message)!

If you want help building rhythms and routines for your family, grab my workbook below!

Do you use a morning routine chart in your family??