Four Step Process for Parenting Peacefully While Triggered
/It happened again today…
I got triggered and had a moment of not parenting in a way that is true to my higher goals and core values.
One of my triggers, like so many of you I’m sure, is my kids not listening to me.
I was offering to run up and grab their clothes for the day, neither one responded to my question even after asking 3-4 times. So I just went ahead and got the clothes. When I brought them down both kids were like, “Ew no! We aren’t wearing those we wanted something else!”
And I saw red.
Here are the unfiltered thoughts that went through my head:
“They are so ungrateful!”
“No one listens to me!”
“No one values my effort”
I felt unseen, unheard, and unvalued. Those feelings hurt, and when we take action from a place of hurt very rarely do we act in alignment with our core values or higher purpose.
Well, that’s exactly what happened. I won’t get into the details, I wasn’t my best self for a couple of minutes, but that’s not what I want to focus on because I know you likely already know how that story goes. Attempts to control, tears (them), guilt (me). And while I didn’t yell, it was still not too pretty.
What I want to tell you is HOW I recovered and repaired and give the steps for that.
1.) You have to become aware that you are caught up in unconscious thought and old scripts. This takes practice. Sometimes awareness is instantaneous for me, especially for triggers I’ve done a lot of work and healing around (more on that work in this weeks podcast that goes live tomorrow!).
2.) Bring awareness to your thoughts and their consequences and evaluate the thoughts for if they are TRUE. Is it true that no one listens to me ever? Nope, not even a little. Is it true that no one appreciates all I do? Nope. Even if they don’t say it, I know they do. Plus I (ME!) offer myself appreciation and gratitude each day.
3.) Then get in touch with what is REALLY happening, as opposed to the story you’ve been telling yourself. The reality was that I hadn’t practiced my best respectful parenting from the very beginning of this interaction. I had called out to them from the kitchen and expected them to shift their attention to what I was saying instead of joining them in their world, connecting first, and then asking them. I had expected them to put aside their play agenda in favor of my adult agenda (getting dressed). Talk about unreasonable expectations! The reality was that I hadn’t set any of up for success!
4.) Time to walk it back. I validated their perspectives: “you were concentrating very hard, it’s hard to hear someone when you’re concentrating.” I took responsibility, apologized and asked for a do-over: “I’m very sorry I spoke in a stern voice. I was feeling frustrated that you hadn’t answered me, and then didn’t like the clothes I brought. I see now that things could have gone differently if I’d started differently. Can we try again?”