Episode 155: Harnessing the Power of Kindness with Teresa Ramirez
/When I ask the parents I work with about their long-term goals for their children, kindness is one of the qualities I hear most about, and it's no wonder, right? Most of us have personal experiences where we have been on the receiving end of the kindness (and unkindness) of others, and it makes sense that we hope that our children will put good out into the world. But how is something like "kindness" taught and learned? Well, similar to the idea of "balance" it's not necessarily a thing you "do" but a way of "being" and those things are often taught best through modeling by embodying them ourselves. And that's why for this week's episode on The Balanced Parent podcast, I want to highlight kindness - the science behind it and how to put this into practice in our homes with the hopes of upbringing children with the value of kindness.
And to help me in this conversation, I'm so happy to welcome Teresa Ramirez, a Kindness Ambassador for loving parents who want to raise kind children. Through her enlightening videos ( check them out here ) and blog posts her goal is to inspire us to create fun, happy moments with our children through acts of kindness. We will talk about:
The importance of kindness
Tips to be kind in difficult situations
Making kindness a habit or a way of being
If you wish to connect with Teresa, you can join her Facebook community Journey in Kindness.
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts, and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody. This is Dr. Laura Froyen in and on this episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast. We're gonna be talking about the science of kindness and how to put that science into practice in our own homes. To help me with this conversation, I'm bringing in Theresa Ramirez, a kindness expert who's gonna be talking about this with us. Theresa, welcome to the show. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do and then we'll dive in.
Teresa: Good morning. Thank you so much for having me. I am a motivational speaker and my crack as kindness. And at this stage of the game, I am making kindness a lifestyle and sharing that with others. And I actually live with my dog who actually are my co hosts when I am doing kindness with animals. So, yeah, this is, this is my life now.
Laura: You live and breathe kindness. I love it.
Teresa: What I do. All right.
Laura: So you really intrigued me when we were talking, you know, before I hit record about the science of kindness, we love science around here. Well, you kind of tell us a little bit about what you've been learning in your research.
Teresa: And my, so what I have found is and, and, and there's numerous studies on kindness and specifically on the reaction our body has when we experience an act of kindness and we're sharing that act of kindness. So if you and I are exchanging an act of kindness, our serotonin levels go up. Well, those are our happy hormones. So, you and I are happy. But the fascinating thing in the research I have read is that anyone who witnesses that act of kindness, their serotonin levels also go up. So we're starting that ripple of happy people and you know, the happier we can make everybody, the less violent, the less anger that we're going to see in the world.
Laura: Yeah, I love that. I mean, so, you know, of course, we know that as humans, we've experienced the full range of human emotions and you know, we can't be happy all the time. But raising those kind of those feelings, you know, those hormones of connection and satisfaction and caring for another, those hormones that kind of come up, of course, is gonna make the world a better place and I love that we can just witness it.
I'm guessing that probably has to do with the beautiful mirror neurons that we have that are empathy neurons. We have specific neurons that are designed to capture the experience of others and experience it in our own bodies too. It's one of the unique things that makes us human although other primates have them too. But what a cool what cool research to, to be reading. Like when we're thinking about this, I think that like most parents I speak to want to raise kind humans they want. That's one of their biggest parenting goal. I'm kind of curious about how do you think kids learn kindness?
Teresa: I believe my philosophy is that as a parent, you become the CEO of your family, your philosophy, your values, your beliefs, you have to define those for yourself and then filter them down to your children. If you want kind compassionate children that are gonna change the world in a positive way, that's what you have to emulate for them.
Laura: Okay. And so, yes, that's exactly what I teach you that we have to figure out what are our core values. What are, what are the things that are really important to us and then start living them in our daily lives.
Teresa: Exactly. Yeah.
Laura: And so if kindness is one of those things, what does living in kindness look like? Because we want to model it for our kids. What does it look like for us? Like in action?
Teresa: For you in action? Keep it simple. I know a lot of people like I can't take especially busy parents. I can't take one more thing. Not on my plate. I can't do it. Well, we keep it, it's easy. We keep it simple by just incorporating it into your normal life and it can be a simple, I love sticky notes. It's like my my go to thing. Put start with your children put sticky notes on their bathroom mirror in their backpacks in their lunch box and say things like, you know, notes that they can read to themselves that say I am brave.
I am smart. I am kind, I am important. I am beautiful, whatever you, you know, your child better than anybody. I can come up with these examples. But do they, what do they need to hear? Like I always said, if the big math test is coming up, put a sticky note where you know, they're gonna see it before the math test and say you got this, you know, it, you've got this just those things, I'm thinking of you that changes your child's whole perspective on life that yes, I am important. And mom spent this time making these notes. I love.
Laura: I love that. Yeah, I also love the idea of that, you know, so when we do know our kids so well, but they also know themselves really well. And I love the idea of taking this, this, you know, the post it note things and also taking to your kids, you know, kiddo, I know you've got a big, you know, test coming up. What would you know, what could I say to you that would help you feel confident, ask them the words that they need to hear, right? And then do that for them can be beautiful too.
And that teaches that like that skill of going inward, asking yourself self knowledge, um self advocacy and a little bit of self care to write. That's what self care is learning to attune to your needs and advocate for yourself. That's I mean, that's self care and then teaching them how to do that and offering them that care. What a beautiful thing.
Teresa: And, and you talking about self care, it is my number one rule with journey and kindness. You start with yourself because if you, if you don't have any kindness in you to give, it's not gonna happen. So if being kind to you having good self care, what does that look like for you? Is it getting up 15 minutes before everybody else and just having that cup of coffee? Is it taking that hot bubble bath at the end of the day? Is it getting out? I know my, one of my nieces gets up at 5:30.
Her husband is there to get the kids started and she has a group of, of other moms who job, they get a half an hour jogging in the morning and she said that sets the tone for my whole day and I feel good. Yeah. So it's whatever that looks like for you. But those are just a couple of examples but be kind to you so that you fill yourself up with kindness and then you can shower that to your children.
Laura: Yeah. Yeah, I love that. You know, they always say that we can't pour from an empty cup and when it comes to things like this, you know, having that your kindness cup so full that it's overflowing into, into others. I always, I call that my champagne tower, you know, like a champagne glass tower where you're pouring the champagne in the top and then it's overflowing into the others around you. Yes.
Teresa: Well, and that, that cup is half full, half empty thing. And I said, you know what, that cup is refillable and you can fill the bottomless. Yes, it's bottomless. Fill it up with kindness.
Laura: I think one of the things that the parents that I work with that struggle the most and actually is a personal struggle of mine is, is treating myself with kindness and the language I use with myself in my own head. And I'm kind of curious what advice you would give me to me or to other parents who have a hard time speaking to ourselves with kindness in our own minds.
Teresa: And I was there raising my kids cause I could tell you, I told myself some really awful things thinking back. But again, get out your sticky notes. Where are you going to see something, first thing in the morning or throughout the day? You're tough. You know, it's gonna be your toughest part of the day where you're feeling, you know, you're feeling a little weak, so to speak and put out there. What do you need to hear? I've got this, I am a great mom, not a good mom. You're a great mom or a great dad. You know, just you know, those kind of things again being the example. So you've got your own sticky notes in your own positive thoughts. But it's, it's not easy. I, I remember too well.
Laura: I think that lots of us don't necessarily always feel worthy of. And I guess I, you do you have any advice for getting there? Because, you know, I think that there's deeper work sometimes that needs to be done, to feel worthy of those post it notes, you know, believe them, you know, I mean, there's definitely practice, you know, of it, you know, that kind of just by practicing it until it starts, you start believing it. But for some of us, it feels deeply painful to, to not be able to believe it, to feel so unworthy.
Teresa: And I think sometimes that you can find that through prayer and meditation, you might, you may very well have to reach out and get some help, get some help from a professional, join a mom's group and talk to other moms and get that support from other people, get that support from your significant other, build your support system. I guess that's probably key show your will what worth.
Laura: One thing that's helped me a lot. So, you know, self compassion based mindfulness. There's, you know, there's kind of three main components um that researcher Kristin Neff has kind of outlined that versus self kindness over versus self judgment. But the second one is common humanity and that one really helps me when I'm feeling unworthy of kindness because in my mind, everybody else is worthy of kindness. Like kids are so worthy. Oh my God, parents are so worthy. I love parents so much.
And when I think about common human Hannity, it's so interesting to think that like, I might be uniquely unworthy. Like, like how is it possible that everybody else is worthy of kindness? And I'm not like that just doesn't like that principle of common humanity helps me a lot to be open to receiving kindness from myself and from others. Just because if everybody like, how is it possible that I might be the only person in the world who's unworthy?
Teresa: Like and a good example of that is if another mom or dad asked you, hey, can you, would you mind bringing my son home from soccer practice? You jump, think nothing of it. You would be so happy to help. But then if you need a favor, something similar, you're like, I hate to bother anybody. So what, what's the, why is that parent more important than you? And, and that it's not, you are important. You are worthy.
Laura: I love that. And I mean, I think that probably extends to this self kindness piece that we've been thinking about. So if we were, if another parent was in a similar situation, what would we say to them and what would be so wrong about saying that same thing to ourselves to that? So we've been talking a little bit about when it's hard to be kind. What are some like tips that you have for? You know, those, those are when it's hard to be kind in our own head. What about in situations kind of out in the world may be difficult times with our, with our kids where it's hard to be kind where we are finding ourselves not feeling so generous towards our children or towards others, others as are as kids.
Teresa: Remember, kids have the same emotions we do. I think people forget that they expect they're like, well, they don't really care, they care and they get frustrated and angry and all of those things as well. So I think the first thing we need to recognize is if they're tired, depending on the age is how they act out. You know, how do you feel when you're tired? You just kind of show us it's kind of a compassionate way to look at things humans, their full humans and they have that full range of emotions and God help you all when they're going through the teenage years because that's crazy.
So yeah, a lot of a lot of patients but again that goes back to the patients will come with the I took care of me now I can take care of you kind of thing. The I think globally you also have to remember, you can only change the way you react to something. Wait I do have a quote from Wayne Dyer. He said when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. So if your kids, you know, throwing a tantrum or if somebody at work has lost their marbles and started just going at you take a deep breath, step back and when they stop talking or whatever, say, are you done, do you feel better? What can I do to help? Because nine times out of 10, it has nothing to do with you. You're just happened to be in the way. So what can I do to help you?
And that will deescalate a situation like that. But it does take you and, and this takes, this is where the practice comes in and, you know, make it as natural as breathing. And when you're doing some of the little things which we can talk about later to help make kindness a habit, then you're, you are gonna know this isn't about me. I can take a deep breath, step back and just let them go and you know, and sometimes people just need to vent, you know, depending on the situation, you know, maybe it's another mom in the neighborhood and you're like, oh jeez, let her go, you know, she's having obviously having a bad day. So let her go and then, you know, do you feel, do you feel better? And how can I help?
Laura: I love this idea of making it a habit. I think that so much of the kind of the self regulation,, that we need as parents and as humans comes from practice and that most of us didn't get the practice we needed as kids because no one else teaching us to do anything. They were teaching us to stuff, you know, not to regulate. Right. Yes. And I think you're so right that we, we need that practice kind of outside of the moment so that those skills are easily accessible in the moment. Yeah. So what are some, how can we go about making kindness a habit?
Teresa: And this again, I'm not trying to pile stuff on anybody's plate. It's simple everyday things. You're going to the grocery store. Okay. How many times have you tried to pull in a grocery spot? And there's a cart right smack dab in the middle of it? Does that not just drive you crazy? So when you're walking up, you see a cart like that, grab it and take it up to the store that has cost, cost you nothing and really didn't add any extra time. And actually you could probably use the cart when you get in there. I had teenagers. So you have to gauge age wise. I was with, had a group with me for whatever reason. But I said okay, this is, this is the game. Collect as many carts that are not in a car corral and take them to the front, the winner gets a, gets a candy bar or whatever the case.
And they thought that was the greatest idea. And I'm just walking up to the store and there because they didn't really want to be, they didn't want to go where we were going, but we had to. So, yeah, so it turned the whole situation turned around. It was fun. They were all laughing and having a good time and I just, I do you know that something like that is for older kids because you don't want him getting hit by a car.
Laura: Of course, yes definitely.
Teresa: But that something like that manners. I'm sorry.
Laura: No, no, I just was talking, I was just thinking about like the things that I like, you know. So prior to COVID, one of my favorite things to do at the grocery store was to notice if there was a mom with a car and a baby carrier and a toddler, their hands full. I loved being able to help them load their groceries into the car, you know. No, I feel like now most of those moms are doing pull ups that, you know, drive pickups, you know, instead of traipsing in but or weren't, you know, but I'm able to do that again now and I loved being on the receiving end of that as a new mom juggling kids in a car. And I love doing that and I also want my kids are with me. I love noticing. Oh, gosh, look that parents got their hands full. Do you what? You know, I'm just, and I just noticed that, like I'm noticing that parents got their, has their hands full and my kids will say like, oh, should we go offer to help them or they will run ahead to open, hold, open the door.
Teresa: Exactly. About the stroller, the stroller in the door. I mean, it's so hard, it's hard.
Laura: But what I love doing is just saying, I noticed and my kids like the kindness, like kids are so naturally kind and helpful. It just bubbles up from within them. Like so if I say, oh, I noticing that parent looks like they might be having a hard time with the door. One of them will run ahead to go and hold the door. I love that.
Teresa: And that's basically, and that goes back to basic manners which I don't know what's happened to basic manners, but sometimes they're not as prevalent as they used to be, but just teaching your child to say please. And thank you holding the door. These are all just simple day to day things. You can weave in through your life, then you can, then you can reach out to the bigger things like, you know, collecting canned goods for the food bank help. Hey, how about the neighbors? I just had somebody in my group say something. Yeah, the neighbor down the street broke his leg. And they needed to do fall cleanup in the yard. So their family, including their kids and another family went and did the fall cleanup in their front yard.
Laura: But that felt so good.
Teresa: Yeah. And what a great fun family activity because I think they did rake the leaves in a pile and the kids got to play a little bit too. You can make it fun. It doesn't have to be, you can make it so much fun.
Laura: Like one thing I feel like what you're describing to is that there's this, there can be this intrinsic piece of being kind. I think so often how kids are taught manners when we demand like please and thank you, we are teaching them to only do it to get something or to obey some social code as opposed to the intrinsic feeling of having been polite and kind, right?
Teresa: And really appreciate whatever.
Laura: Really appreciate right? Like you know, I when the thank you that comes after I do something for my Children when I am not when they're not pressured and they're not demanded, it's so much more genuine and appreciative and how like heartfelt and and that's so lovely to be on the receiving end of, you know. Yeah, true, genuine. Thank you. Or please will you help me kind of moments? Yeah. And I think like the, so when we think about teaching manners, one modeling, which is what we've been talking about a lot. But also the help.
I understand, you know, helping them think about like, you know, when you helped me unload the dishwasher yesterday. And I said that, you know, and I said, thank you for helping me. How did that feel when I said thank you. It felt really good. Yeah, being told thank you feels really good. And then I just leaving it there and you don't, I don't know, I think kids are so, so much more like aware and capable, you know, and that, that's those skills come with age, you know.
Teresa: Yes. Another thing um because this also happened, this happened to me, I was walking the dog and uh the trash collectors, the garbage men, we're out and they're like, oh, what a cute dog. And she went up and, and I, I said, well, I just want to thank you for the job you're doing. Their face between the dog and the Thank you. Their faces lit up like a Christmas tree. So that's something you can teach your kids. I call them invisible people, garbageman, construction workers, custodians and buildings. People just don't acknowledge them if you smile and say good morning that changes their whole day. And I don't, you know, it's very simple again, it doesn't cost anything and it's simple, simple, simple to do.
Laura: Yeah, I love this idea that we're not adding anything else to our plate. We're taking a look at what we do normally and seeing how we can add a layer of kindness to it.
Teresa: And I can go on with examples.
Laura: Yes. Absolutely. Okay. So the when we think about kind of living in this way, living with more kindness, what do you think the benefits are for, for you and for your community, for your kids?
Teresa: For everybody that ripple of kindness? When you're sharing those acts of kindness and the serotonin levels are going up. And I know another researcher used the term oxytocin levels. All of those happy hormones go up. So you're creating that kinder, more compassionate world, you're creating a kinder, more compassionate home and then that just expands. And if everybody did it in their own home, think about all those ripples and how much less violence and anger you're going to see on a day to day basis.
Laura: Yeah, I love that. Teresa. I think that so many of us are, are hoping to raise our Children in a way that changes the world. And I think that this is absolutely a piece of that puzzle piece of that goal.
Teresa: Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Laura: Well, Teresa, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and kindness with us. If folks are wanting to learn a little bit more about developing that practice, where would they go to find you? They will find me on Facebook in my group is journey and kindness with Theresa Ramirez. And so you can find me there, also on youtube. Same place, same journey and kindness with Theresa Ramirez.
Laura: Great. Thank you so much for being with us today. I feel inspired to go out and be a little bit kinder to myself and to others today. So I really appreciate that.
Teresa: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. This has been a joy. Great. Okay.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!