Episode 216: Why Community Is So Vital for Parents and How to Find It with Jessica Patay
/In this episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, Dr. Laura Froyen welcomes Jessica Patay, founder of We Are Brave Together, a nonprofit dedicated to supporting caregiving moms. Jessica shares her journey of raising a child with Prader-Willi syndrome and discusses the importance of community, connection, and self-care for parents navigating similar challenges.
Here are some of the topics we covered:
Importance of community and connection for all moms, especially those raising children with additional challenges
How introverted individuals can build and sustain meaningful connections while managing their limited social energy
Understanding what it means to be "in the community" and how it supports mental health
How community validation helps parents feel less alone in challenging parenting experiences
Distinguishing between true support and spaces that feel unsupportive or judgmental in a community
How to create a supportive and inclusive community where parents feel they truly belong
How to find or create a supportive community when struggling to connect in real life
To learn more about Jessica Patay, visit her website wearebravetogether.org and follow her on Instagram @wearebravetogether and Facebook @wearebravetogether.
Resources:
Becoming Brave Together: Heroic, Extraordinary Caregiving Stories from Mothers Hidden in Plain Sight
Tune in as we explore the power of community, connection, and self-care for caregiving moms seeking support and belonging.
I would love to hear from you! If you have any questions you’d like to have answered on the podcast or any takeaways or wins you’d like to share you can leave me a message here: https://www.speakpipe.com/laurafroyenphd
A crucial part of being a parent of complex kiddos is finding community and support. If you are looking for an opportunity to connect with me IN PERSON, I’d love to invite you to my upcoming retreat for caregivers. I’ll send out more information soon, but you can check it out here if you’re interested! I’d love to get to spend a couple days really connecting with you and supporting you in this stage of your parenting journey! Head here to learn more! www.laurafroyen.com/retreat
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be talking about the vital importance of community as parents. And to help me with that conversation, I have an expert in creating community. You know, there are those people out there who are just the connectors, the gatherers of people around them. It's a special talent that some people have. And our guest this week has that talent and has used that talent to create a community, specifically for parents who are facing challenges in their parenting journey. So, please welcome my guest, Jessica Patay. I'm so glad to have you on the show. Will you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do?
Jessica: Yes, thank you. Should I call you Doctor Laura?
Laura: Laura is totally fine. Yes, Laura, just Laura. It's good.
Jessica: Thank you, Laura. Thanks for having me. I am Jessica Patay. I'm haying from Los Angeles, California, and I've been married to my husband for 27 years, and we have 3 grown-ish kids, Luke, who's 24, and Ryan, who is 21. And I say Ryan is the one that made me a caregiver. He was born with a rare genetic disorder, diagnosed at 5 weeks of age. It's called Prader-Willi syndrome. And I have a daughter, Kate, who is 19. And I am someone who has always been passionate about friendship and community, and I believe so strongly that when women leave behind all types of cattiness, competition and comparison, that the intersection of our lives is a gift. And that's just kind of naturally who I am. I'm a girlfriend's girlfriend. I love my girlfriends. I've done girls' trips every year, you know, through marriage, through motherhood, all of it. It's just, it's a high priority to me to be in community with people who are life-giving. And that is why I created We Are Brave Together.
Laura: What is We Are Brave Together?
Jessica: It is a nonprofit that is dedicated to preserving and protecting the mental health of caregiving moms. So if you are a mom anywhere in the world, to a child, mother to a child any age, 0 to 65, with literally any diagnosis or struggle or disability. We are here to support you. And we offer support groups, which we call connection circles, and we put on low-cost retreats. We cover 75% to 100% of the cost. We have scholarships for those retreats, the weekend retreats to give you some rest and respite and connection and mental health education and just girl time and downtime. And we also have a podcast called Brave Together Parenting. And we just released our first anthology of caregiving stories this year, May 1st.
Laura: Oh gosh, I'm sure you feel so. So proud of that, and also probably so grateful that you can do that work, right?
Jessica: Yes.
Laura: Yeah. So I would love to dive into this idea of the importance of community and connection. Why community is important for all moms, but specifically and, and especially for moms whose kids are maybe facing additional challenges.
Jessica: Sure. I am crazy about this topic. So thank you for the opportunity to share my experience and, and my perspective on it. I think we're in a loneliness epidemic, just as a country, as a world. The invention of the internet and social media makes us sort of feel like we're more connected than ever, but I don't think that Reading and viewing has the same effect as hearing our voices and seeing our faces. I really, I'm sure there's a Harvard study out there, right? For that, I just think that, yes, we might be in touch with a lot of people through Facebook groups and Instagram and blogs or what have you, but we're not seeing each other's faces and hearing each other's voices. And I think that does. Does have its effect. I, you know, there's so many studies on the physical and mental effects of, you know, loneliness. And I say, well, you can, you know, smoke 15 cigarettes a day or choose to get into the community. And I would say, please choose to get into the community. And while I say that, while I urge you, while I implore you to please get into community with other parents who are in similar circumstances. I know that there are obstacles, and one is you're tired, you're overwhelmed. And so the thought of one more thing, it's going to feel like a to do rather than I get to be in community with other people who get me and get my kid and get my story, it's gonna feel like a to do because you're overwhelmed and exhausted, you're advocating, you are, you know, doing all the things all day, every day, right? It's relentless. It's never ending.
Secondly, I think an obstacle is when we are in community with others in similar circumstances. So, fellow parents who have kids with, you know, disabilities and struggles or behavioral issues, who are either medically fragile or psychologically or behaviorally fragile. It confronts us with the reality of this is really my life, and it pushes the grief buttons. And we're so afraid of grief because we've been taught that grief is bad in this culture and grief is merely an expression of love. We love our children. We don't want them to struggle. We didn't want this diagnosis. We don't want this disability for them because we love them. It's not because we don't like them. It's not because we don't want to be a caregiver. It's because this is not what we envisioned for our child and our family life. And the reality of that can get confronted if you're going to go to a support group or an event or join a Facebook group, or, you know, what have you, whatever access you can to the community in this world that we live in. This world, our disability world, or, you know, caregiving world, we're afraid of our grief buttons being pushed, but yet it's actually better if they are pushed, and we can feel and get those feelings out rather than storing them up in our body, because that has its own repercussions.
Laura: Yeah, I feel like you're bringing up a point that I really agree with, and, and there's this twist to it. So we're saying that, you know, community is vitally important for, for everyone, and especially for parents who've, whose kiddos have something extra going on. And at the same time, I don't know about you, but I've experienced. Trying to get into communities more with parents who have more typical kids and feeling even more isolated, like trying to access communities locally around me and experiencing that feeling of like, no, they do not get it. They might have their own struggles going on in their house, but they do not know. What it's like to be in my house, you know, and how hard it is. And, and I think that, so it's what you're saying is that it's not just a community, but it's a specific kind of community, so that you can be with those people who get it, who say like, yeah, that makes sense, and me too.
Jessica: Right, right. I feel very grateful that I have a group of best friends from high school, and none of them have children with any diagnoses or struggles. And, their lives are different from mine, but they have been incredibly supportive. So I do believe it's possible that there are people who will stick around or people that you will meet. That will say the right things, that will have empathy and care and compassion about your situation. So leave that door open, leave that, you know, have an expansive view that, you know, there are those people out there. But for anyone who's been through loss, divorce, death, traumatic accidents, any kind of trauma, when you have other people who've been through similar life experiences and losses or tragedies, There's just knowing. There's a bond that is there. And you don't have to over explain, you don't have to apologize for your tears or anger or wherever you are in the grief cycle, or however, wherever you are and how you feel about your situation. People just Just get it. And that's why I say girlfriends who get you are sacred and mandatory. We have to have other people. And it doesn't mean we have to have 10. We have to have a couple people that really, really know us and know our caregiving lives that we can support and they can support us.
Laura: Yeah, I really like that, and I, I like that permission to not have, you know, 10 or 20 people that one or like just a couple is enough, you know, I've always, my friendship style over the course of my life has always been to have one or two very close friends, and that's all I can really like emotionally sustain is because I like the depth of relationship is is so much so that. There just isn't a lot of other, you know, emotional, like to, you know, energy to give. And that's always been okay with me, but finding those people at, you know, each stage of life has, has been hard for me in the past. You're so lucky to have these high school friends that you've found that with and they have been able to grow up alongside them. I think the only person that I really have that with is my husband, you know. Personally, I have kind of those close friends from each of my stages of life, you know, undergrad, you know, high school, undergrad, grad school, you know, and now. And, I think that for me, one of the barriers to creating a community is that That perceived energy, the draw that it's going to take as an introvert to kind of reach out and start building that community. And so, I guess the part of it I'm curious about is for those of us who maybe identify as more introverted, maybe do better or have just kind of classically just had no like a small core group of friends. Any like words of advice or support for them in recognizing the need to perhaps add in a different layer of support.
Jessica: Yes. I would say first, just honor who you are and have compassion on who you are. And this is, this is what is natural to me, is to, you know, be at home or or only spend time with a couple of people. I don't really want to go to a group of 15. That sounds like too much. And I need community. I need people. I need people. And even though it's going to take some of my energy, I'm going to reserve my energy in other ways today or this weekend because I'm going to go to that thing on Sunday afternoon, that mom mingled, because I'm just gonna give this a try. So I think there are other ways to like, think of it like as a You know, deposit and withdrawal in your energy. You know, and there are things that you can do to preserve your energy for that, that outing, that, you know, or jumping into a, you know, a virtual, connection circle or an online meeting or an online gathering. I think we all have to decide that We are worthy of investing in our own mental health and the community contributes to good mental health. And so, it might not be natural to me, it might not be, there might be obstacles there, and I deserve this, and I need this.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely. I really like that invitation to be firm with ourselves, that community contributes to mental health. There's a phrase you've said a couple times that I feel like I hear, like out in the world, but I'm not always 100% sure, like, what do people mean when they say that.So I was kind of curious. You've said, we need to be in community. And specifically when we're using that word in, like, in community, what does that mean to you? Like, what does that feel like? What does it look like? Can you describe that a little bit for me, so like we know, so we can know and recognize when we're in it.
Jessica: So I would say, you know, I mean, obviously, I built the We are Bra together community, and we have a private Facebook group, a secret Facebook group, and it's a great place to connect. It's a great place to ask for resources, to vent about a day, to share a triumph. That's a way where you could be in community with others online. I certainly prefer physics. I think there's something magical that happens when we are physically together. So I make sure that I'm with somebody in person, you know, as much as it makes sense, I wish it were more, I had a very busy, busy last few months of work and not enough, you know, friend time or community time as I would call it. So I like that in person, whether that's one other friend who's life-giving or a few people, you know, so to me, being in community can be online, but I really, I really prefer in person. I just think there's nothing like it.
Laura: Is it something that has to be with more than one person, or can we consider ourselves in community with just one other person?
Jessica: I think so. And I think if that fits you better, your personality better, it still counts. And I think it's important to know that there's a larger group, a larger community of caregivers who have children with similar diagnoses or similar struggles or just moms who you will bond with or could bond with that are in this world with us. And so I think I think it's good to dip your toe, you know, to those larger groups, whether you have a diagnosis specific support group in your area that you can physically attend once in a while, know that you're a part of, know that there's somebody there that you can reach out to, but also, or online, or have that one friend that you do meet with. You do get together with. I think our care-taking lives take up so much time. And we kind of put ourselves last and we really need to make it a priority. I really, really think we do.
Laura: Yeah, can you tell me about that? So, the priority piece of it, we need to make it a priority because community is connected to our mental health. What specifically does community give you, for example, when you started building these communities, you maybe as a new mom to a complex kiddo. What did, like, what were the things that really that community gave you in those moments? I can also share some of those things for myself, but I'd love to hear from you.
Jessica: Sure. Well, when Chris and I walked into our first support group when Ryan was 2 months old, and it was for his diagnosis, Prader-Willi syndrome, we saw a room full of people who were smiling and they acted like they had regular lives. I don't know what we thought we were walking into. We just, you know, you read about a diagnosis that's complex and difficult and You know, our jaws and hearts were on the ground, and I don't know who we thought we were going to meet at that support group. But, you know, they're like, oh yeah, this is, this is crazy, you know, diagnosis, and you can still have a joyful life. You can still have a full life. And just knowing we weren't alone, was everything. So the community comforts you because you're like, I'm not doing, even though it feels like I'm doing this alone, and yes, we have to sort of walk out our daily lives alone.
You know, I have 6 other moms that I can text whose children have the same, or adult children have the same diagnosis. You know, I've had that text thread for, I don't know, over a decade. And I have somebody I can reach out to at any moment. I can call at any moment or invite over and. It's comforting. I'm not doing this alone. I'm not doing this alone. I can ask questions, I can vent. I can Learn from them if they're ahead of me in the journey, how did you handle this? Whatever it is. So I think there's just a lot of comfort knowing you're not alone. This is why we say, and we are brave together all the time. You are not alone and you don't have to do this journey alone.
Laura: It's almost like an antidote to that isolation that we often feel when it feels like we're the only one grappling with these things.
Jessica: Right, right. And holding on to that belief is going to keep you stuck.
Laura: Okay, so the more we believe, I'm not like, no, no other house is having these issues right now. I'm alone, it's gonna keep you stuck and keep you feeling isolated. It is. Yeah, and community helps you shift your mindset on that piece of it too. It gives you evidence that you're not alone, that you're not the only person going through this, that your response and your stress and your worry is pretty normal in the circumstances that you're in, pretty expected.
Jessica: Yeah, because I think you could really start to think like, well, what's wrong with me? Why am I so stressed? Why am I angry? Why am I, why am I, you know, not able to just be playful? Why, why am I feeling blue again about the diagnosis? You know, when you get around other people, you're like, oh. You guys all feel that too. Your emotions go all over. Oh great. What a relief. You have hope. then you're not hopeful and then you're filled with hope again. Ah, Okay. I am with you. We are simpatico like normal. This is normal in the caregiving journey. Mm, I really like you will receive a lot of validation, so comfort, validation, feeling connected. All of those are the benefits of being, you know, in community or having a community of fellow caregivers.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely. I, so when I, when we were navigating my oldest daughter's autism diagnosis, She was presenting with a lot of demand avoidance, and I found myself in a pathological demand avoidance PDA support group. And I mean, I was feeling all those things, so much like a failure. Like, what am I doing wrong, that this is so hard. I have my freaking PhD and I teach this stuff, and yet at the same time, like this is what's happening in my house. And, and just and, and feeling like, you know, having gotten feedback from professional professionals and stuff around me, around like, you're like, no, there's no way she's autistic. She doesn't present, like, in a typical autistic way. And feeling like I was crazy seeing stuff that no one else was seeing, and then being in this community where I had a bunch of parents saying like, oh no, you're not crazy, that's how my kid likes that's what my kid looks like too. Like that's what it's like in our house too. Like that feeling of not being alone and not being, like, not making a mountain out of a molehill. Like things actually are hard because they're hard, not because you're bad at it, right? Like that feeling.
Jessica: Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Things are hard because they're hard, not because you're bad at it. I love that.
Laura: Yes. I have to say that to myself and to like some folks that are in my membership all the time because things are hard, you know, when we have complex kiddos. And it's not because we're bad at it. It's because they're hard. It just is like a verifiable hardness that's there.
Jessica: Yes, and I say exponential motherhood requires exponential support. That's why we have to have a community. That's why we have to have practices in place on a regular basis that are boosting our mental health, because it is more taxing. And it's way more taxing, you know, and we can say that it's like, I want to say that out loud to everyone, everywhere. But, you know, hard is hard, right? Everyone's hard is their hard. And so let's have compassion and grace for our friends who might be complaining about, you know, their kids and their 5 APs. And I'm like, well, I'm just trying to keep my kids alive and Yeah, like, you know what I mean, we can get really cynical, and I think we have to really be careful of that, because that only damages us, that only.
Laura: Right, getting sucked into that comparison disconnects us, right?
Jessica: Yeah. Yeah. And, also, I want to go back to this makes me think about obstacles to, you know, joining a support group or a connection circle or community of fellow caregivers. Is, one, if you've been to something that wasn't supportive, where you felt like everyone was pouncing on each other with like problem solving, and have you tried this and you should do this. That's something that we train our connection circle leaders to do. We have a specific way we train our leaders to lead and facilitate.
Laura: Okay, can we talk about like what, sorry, just like I'll just try to remember to ask you like, can we talk about like what is actual support versus the things that we think are supporting but actually aren't, you know, so you keep talking, but then we'll go to that.
Jessica: Yeah, so I mean, I think if. I think everyone can learn how to create a safe, sacred space where people feel comfortable to share. And then everyone is there offering validation, and me too, and I've been through that, and I see you, and you're not alone. And that sounds so hard and that sounds so scary. Like that, that's the type of environment I want to be in, not where I feel judged for my feelings or my anger or anxiety. I haven't done enough yet, or yes, yeah.
Laura: So you're saying one of the barriers of finding community is perhaps having had a bad experience or an experience for sure you weren't feeling supported, for sure.
Jessica: Yeah. Okay. Yes. Also, I think what happens within the caregiving world, disability world, diagnosis world is that, We compare diagnosis, we compare caretaking, and we, I, again, we stay all the time when we are brave together. Let us share and not compare. Every mom counts, every kid counts, every diagnosis counts. So we don't, at least, we don't do any at leasting, at least your kid only has ADHD and my kid has cancer. No, we don't, we don't do that.
Laura: No, at least, yeah, and probably not to ourselves too, cause I can imagine that another barrier to entry is thinking, well, I don't have it that bad, so I shouldn't take up space. Like I don't, I'm not struggling. Enough to warrant needing this community, right? Right.
Jessica: Yes, I get that. Like, I don't know if I really qualify. Yes, you do, if you have a struggle, even if they're, they don't have an official diagnosis, if your kid has struggles. You qualify. Yeah, and wherever you are on the caretaking spectrum, you qualify. If you have a child who struggles or has a diagnosis, whether it greatly affects your life or lightly affects your life and lightly affects their life, it matters. It's extra.
Laura: Yeah, yeah, I really like that. Yeah, I think it's really important for parents to hear that, that you qualify, that you belong. No matter what the struggle is, you belong. There are spaces for you to exist in. So I would love to hear a little bit about love, so let's say As parents, we are wanting to create a more supportive environment with our current friends right now. What are some of the things that that allow a kind of a sense of being in community to flourish versus like what are some of the things that kind of maybe shut down some of that more authentic connection that that end up making people feel unsupported in the like, well, have you tried this kind of thing stuff?
Jessica: Right. Well, if you find yourself with, you know, a group of moms that you've met wherever. And you find yourself regularly getting together and you're like, how can I make this even better? How can we all get what we need? I mean, at first, you know, your stuff has a heart to heart. Like, I'm so glad that we found each other. And how can we just really build each other up? Agree that we're here to share and we can vent freely. It's a judgment free zone. Let's all agree that, you know, what we share here is confidential. Let's all agree that we're here to validate and say I see you and not fix each other's problems or try to fix, even though it's all, it all is well-meaning. Unless somebody says, you know, when you're having lunch, or you're on a walk or whatever it is, having coffee. I have a question for the group, and I totally welcome your feedback. So you are giving permission to your friends to give you feedback, to give you advice. Otherwise, let's just share. Let's just share and encourage each other and say, yep, me too. I've been there. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, I love that it takes some vulnerability to like, this group means a lot to me, and I want us to get the most out of it. I want us to feel connected and supported here and be able to say anything we want. Like, it's gonna take a little bit of vulnerability to do that, but vulnerability breeds connections. Yeah, it does. If we're walled up, we're just gonna be hanging out on our side of the wall.
Laura: Yeah, and, you know, Jessica, I think we're so hungry for connection too. Like, I cannot imagine being in any circumstance where if someone were to say that to me, I would say like, no, that's not really what I'm looking for. You know, like, I, yeah, I mean, I really cannot. I think people are very hungry for authentic connection. And so, like, in taking that brave, vulnerable step and in asking for that. You, you have no idea what the, you know, that maybe others in the group have been hungry for that too. And just didn't know the words or hadn't listened, you know, to this podcast or you just didn't know how to go about asking for what they needed.
Jessica: I have a hard time identifying our needs because we shove them down and take care of everybody else, which is, you know, due to cultural indoctrination. And, you know, we have to, it's okay to identify what we need and what we want.
Laura: Yeah, and to ask for it.
Jessica: And to ask for it.
Laura: Yeah. I love that. Thank you for giving us that permission. Sometimes, you know, we need permission to do those things, right? I'm, so I feel like we just talked a little bit about how perhaps if there is a group, we can kind of create that from within, but you've already created a lot of spaces where for people who are having trouble finding those communities and their, you know, in person real lives, I'm sure that there are others out there too. And so do you have any, I don't know, like, for, for folks for whom they are struggling to find their space to find their community, like, what are some things you can do to get in there, to get started?
Jessica: Great question. One, certainly you can check out our website and see. We've got, I think, 25 connection circles now. Some are online, some are in person, some are topical, some are by geography. These are all free. Yeah, all our connection circles are free. All our prretty much everything we do except for our retreats, which again, we cover 75% to 100% of the cost, is free. We just, we want things to be accessible to moms so that they can have community and inspiration and resources and all of it that we need for the journey. So, but if you're like, well, I don't even know where to begin, right? And you don't have a connection circled by me and I, and your all-member meeting doesn't work because I'm working at that time or whatever, right? So let's say you're starting from scratch. I would ask, if you're still in the school system, I would ask whoever your point of contact is, right? Your case worker at school, the IEP team leader, the program specialist, the special education teachers and staff. Can you please connect me with other moms? Yes, I know there's privacy. Yes, I'm giving you permission to share my name with another parent. Did you get permission from another parent and connect us, you know, so you could, first of all, ask if there is anything.
There was never anything offered through our school district. So that's why, again, I started something. You can ask your doctors, specialists, therapists that work with your children, ABA therapists, OTPT speech therapists. Can you please connect me with another mom or two because I'm really trying to find a community here in my town, in my city where I live. Those are definitely ways to try and, and you might like meeting someone and you're like, wow I. They're in a stage where I'm not, like, maybe they're In a really, really heavy stage and they're angry and they're like, I can't, I can't be around that. I can't be around that. That's okay. Like, you're gonna find people that fit and don't fit, but don't give up. Don't give up. It is going to require effort if you're starting from scratch and, you know, you're not, you know, finding a Facebook group that fits you. Sometimes that can be tricky depending on how that, you know, how people are or how that is sort of set up in terms of the You know, administrators, what they allow, what types of conversations they allow, right? You, it, it is gonna require some effort, but again, you're worth it. And a sense of belonging is your birthright, so please make that effort because it is only detrimental not to make that effort. And yes, it might feel like Now, I'm an introvert, and this is soul-sucking. Well, actually, it will benefit you. I promise you, there's research and data behind it. Yes, finding your people is actually going to energize you. It is going to boost you. It is going to buoy you. So please make the effort.
Laura: I love that invitation, Jessica. I feel like I would love to ask a question about, does it do these communities that we can get ourselves plugged into. have to be about parenting in order to be supportive. So, just as an example, I have two communities that I am a part of that have nothing to do with parenting. One is a group of women that I get together and do cold plunges with, you know, like we saw the ice out of the lake here in Madison and, and get in and hang out. And we, we do not talk about We talk about our families, we talk, but it is certainly not topical. It is, we are, we are in the water together, you know, literally in the water together. And then the other one, I'm a, I'm a member of a sum of a indigenous led, Moon circle or like a menstrual cycle, where we're getting support on kind of spirituality and mother-like womanhood. yeah, and so those have been very nourishing for me. Not in any way related to any of my struggles as a parent, but very good both for my nervous system and for my heart, for my soul. So I think you answered the question.
Jessica: I think you answered your own question. You said it's nourishing for your soul, and I think that's okay. I think it's, I think it's important to have some people within the caregiving world to reach out to because there's just different things that we have to navigate and it's nice to have other people who You know, you can reach out to who understand. Especially like when you have a tough day with your kid, like, you know, Ryan has been in a pretty good phase. He's not usually aggressive. It's less and less than it used to be. And the other day, he was acting out and we were all on the floor with him and getting him to calm down, and he finally did. And it's like, You kind of want someone to talk to when you have those experiences that really get it, who understands exactly who gets it. But if you have, if you are finding that you're in other types of circles, whether it's a book club, it's spiritual, it's faith-based, it's not faith-based. It's a hiking group. It's a, you know I don't know, we all do these brain games together and share or whatever, you know, like whatever it is. If it's nourishing, like just stop and pause because you have all the answers within you. Is this nourishing me? Is this boosting me? Is this giving me joy? Is this grounding me? It's that simple.
And if the answer is no, exit. You can exit. You're allowed to exit. But if it is, then great. It doesn't have to be all about parenting. In fact, I think it's kind of important that we celebrate all the parts of us that we're not just completely focused on being a caregiver, a mom, a wife or a partner, whatever, like, there's so many parts of us to celebrate and I think that's why. I have such a good time when I do my trip with my high school friends every year because I can just be me. I don't have to be a leader. I don't have to be a caregiver. I don't have to be a mom. I can just be Jessica and I can be playful, and I can just You know, celebrate The beauty of friendship and girlfriend time and girls' trips and girls silliness, you know, and the tangents we end up on or what have you, you know, so.
Laura: I, no, no, it's so good. It's so good to hear that. I like it, I feel like it. That those other types are maybe of kind of support and nourishing communities are necessary but not sufficient. You also need someone, at least one other person who's outside of your family, but who gets it, who you feel connected to and supported with. I really, I like that kind of that it's okay to nourish all those little parts of ourselves, not even okay, but important to, you know, right? I mean, because we are multifaceted. We, there are lots of different sides to ourselves and if I think about the way, you know, so. The stress that we carry, the, you know, the anxiety, the worry, the pressure, all of those things narrow our window of tolerance and make us grumpy, unable to handle the things that life throws at us. And so I think anything we can do to right in that window. Right. Including like nourishing all parts of ourselves, our, our body, our mind, our heart, our soul, our creativity, all will, will only serve to widen that window and bring with us more capacity for to be able to enjoy the, the journey, the life journey that, that we're on, you know.
Jessica: Yes, yes. And all of that, I think, also contributes to our resilience for the journey.
Laura: Oh, yeah, because there are ups and downs in, in any journey, right? And so having, yeah, I, well, gosh, Jessica, I really loved our conversation. I feel very excited to be able to share your communities. So your website is called, we are strong together.org. No, we are brave together.org. Is that right? Is that. We are bravetogether.org. It will be in the show notes.
Jessica: Okay, great. And our Instagram is that We Are Brave Together and we don't have an Instagram for the podcast, it's Brave Together parenting, but we post regularly about that every single week. And you know, certainly reach out if you have any specific questions, but feel free to join, membership is free and okay.
Laura: So to get to join these circles, I was, you know, clicking around your website before we got on. You can go into, like, there's a gathering tab, and then there's the retreat, there's in-person gatherings, and then virtual gatherings. And so you can kind of choose where you want to end up. I was clicking through the virtual ones, and once you click find one that you want to join that works with your schedule, you just click on it, and then you can register and it looks like you're purchasing something, but it says $0 right? So like that's the process for registering. No, no, no. Like that's how you, that's how you can gather information, like emails to send the links and everything, of course. But I was just describing it for the listeners so that they can, when they're clicking through, they're, they know what to expect. You're one on, for families with behaviorally challenging kids, sounds great. I will be checking it out.
Jessica: Okay, good. Yeah. Our leader is, you know, a mom who's living the experience, and she's an LCSW. She's a great facilitator. And so, yeah, I think she will be a comfort too other moms.
Laura: I love that. And if there are other ways to become involved, if, for example, a listener here has been providing some kind of community support, or has been kind of creating those spaces and wants to be involved in a bigger or more official capacity, is there a way to join as a facilitator?
Jessica: Yes, absolutely. So just reach out to me, jpataywearebravetogether.org and let me know that you're interested in becoming a connection circle leader, a CCL and we have an application, an agreement and information that we share with you and have you review and then we schedule an interview to review all of the, you know, what's involved in the volunteer commitment, minimum a year, meaning monthly or every other month meetings in person or virtual, we prefer in person, but we can chat with you about, you know, the circumstances or what. You know, it just depends on where you are, like, for example, our leader in Pennsylvania, she's in a rural area, so she's leading an online group for all of Pennsylvania. So, you know, there's different things like it could be very specific to Glendale, California or San Diego, California, or what have you. Yeah, we have a very specific way that we train and launch and mentor our leaders.
Laura: That sounds amazing. Like that sounds wonderful too and so fulfilling. I can imagine that the facilitators get a lot of benefit from that. So very cool.
Jessica: For sure, for sure. I feel like anytime you can. You know, Serve your pain out of your story, that it really gives you a little bit more for your own journey.
Laura: It does, and I, I think it gives a little bit of I don't know, there's just a, there's being, being in a place of grace and compassion for others, I think allows you to embrace that for yourself too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful. Jessica, I've loved getting to hear about this. Thank you so much for being on the show, talking about the importance of community with us and sharing the beautiful work that you're putting out into the world.
Jessica: Thank you so much, Laura. Thank you, thank you. You had such great questions and I really appreciate this time. Any, anytime I get to, to share and encourage and give permission to my fellow caregiving moms, I'm, I'm all in.
Laura: Okay, so you hear that you have our permission.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!