Episode 201: Anxious Teens - How to Build Confidence and Resilience with Monica Crnogorac
/In this week's episode, we’re exploring the world of teen anxiety and focusing on how to help tweens and teens develop confidence, self-regulation, and positive self-talk. Our guest, Monica Crnogorac, brings a wealth of expertise as a Certified Life & Wellness Coach, specializing in guiding teens to overcome anxiety and build resilience. Monica shares her compassionate approach and valuable tools designed to support adolescents on their journey toward personal growth and fulfillment.
Here’s an overview of what we discussed:
Differences in how anxiety manifests across age groups, specifically between teens, adults, and children
How to support teens with normal but impactful anxiety levels
How parents support teens with everyday stressors and anxiety
Ways for parents to support teens seeking independence and peer connections
How parents communicate and connect with their teens through texting and shared interests
Understanding why teens unload stress at bedtime and how parents can encourage communication
How parents can effectively practice active listening to encourage their teens to share more openly
How parents can help their kids develop healthier self-talk to counter negative thought patterns.
How to balance empathy and constructive feedback to support kids through challenging emotions
Benefits of self-development resources for children and teens regarding anxiety and growth
To know more about Monica, visit her website consciouscoach.biz and follow her on Instagram @__consciouscoach and Tiktok @__consciouscoach.
Tune in to discover how we can support our teens’ mental health and empower them to be resilient, self-aware, and confident as they navigate these formative years.
I would love to hear from you! If you have any questions you’d like to have answered on the podcast or any takeaways or wins you’d like to share you can leave me a message here: https://www.speakpipe.com/laurafroyenphd
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent podcast, we are going to be diving into teen anxiety and how to support kids who are in that Tween and teen zone and becoming more confident, more well regulated within themselves and engaging in positive self talk. So to help us with this conversation, I have um a conscious and aware guest who's so beautiful and so lovely. I'm so excited to share her with you. Her name is Monica Crnogorac. I hope I got it right this time, Monica, her handle on social media is a conscious coach and she is a teen anxiety and confidence coach. I'm so excited to have you here, Monica. Thank you so much for being here. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do and then we'll dive into supporting our anxious teens.
Monica: Yeah, thanks so much for having me on Laura. What really kind of got me into working with this department and teens are where my own personal experiences with anxiety. So not knowing that at the time when I was a teen that I was experiencing anxiety, really influenced me to give that support to teens and to parents who want to raise their awareness. So they're better able to understand what their child is going through. And I wanted to become that person that my teen self would have loved to have. So I always understood how hard it was to find someone to talk to, to confide in. And I know how challenging it was to not let the voice inside your head make you feel so small or inadequate or anxious you’d been. But I also learned a life where fear and self doubt didn't really stop me from taking action in the direction that I wanted to go in. So I wanted to be that space for teens and connect with them on a level of reliability because I'm not that much older than them. So it's this idea of, I remember what it was like to be you and I wasn't there too long ago. So let's help you navigate what you're going through. So it doesn't stop you from moving forward.
Laura: Okay. And tell me a little bit about what anxiety looks like in teens, how maybe it looks different than what it looks like in adulthood or how it's experienced in adulthood and what, you know, how it is different than how it shows up for kids.
Monica: Yeah, that's a really great question and, and it varies per individual So the signs and symptoms could be physical where you're getting frequent headaches or stomach aches. You could see teens, like withdrawing from social activities, isolating themselves in their rooms more from friends. You could be even noticing changes in their sleeping patterns and their eating patterns, whether they're eating more or eating less. These are all different things that vary per individual. A lot of things though. And a misconception about anxiety is that people think that they can see it on the outside where you can have someone who is extremely calm but very, very anxious because they're internalizing all the things on inside their head and their internal self talk is really framed negatively or in a fear base that's perpetuating that cycle of anxiety for them.
Laura: Okay. And let's just kind of frame the conversation we're having on anxiety too. So, when we were getting ready to, before we hit record, we were talking about how sometimes, you know, anxiety meets those clinical levels and you get a diagnosis, but anxiety is something that we all actually experience and there's levels of anxiety that are healthy and normal and keep us, you know, keep us moving as a species. And I'm curious about kind of how you support teens or, and how and ultimately how we as parents can support teens who have kind of normative levels of anxiety. But that is still kind of negatively impacting us.
Monica: Yeah, that's a great approach because when I look back to when I experienced teen anxiety, I didn't really hit those clinical levels. But growing up and looking back at it, in hindsight, I knew I still needed support and I needed support to help mitigate and alleviate those stressors versus kind of carrying them on moving forward. So really what I help teens do is navigate the daily challenges and the stressors that come up with them and com things that I talk to teens about, they look at things like their relationships, whether it's their relationships with peers with friends with family tend to be a very important topic. You look like academic pressure that heightens anxiety. So how they feel before an assignment or an upcoming deadline and how anxiety can actually influence them to be fascinated or to overwork themselves. You have people who I work with that are a little bit older and reach the end of high school who are unsure about their career path and that pressure is really getting them. So those are all examples of the normal stressors that can still perpetuate that cycle. But the importance of having someone help you understand them that way you can again, understand yourself better and then move forward from it.
Laura: So what can parents do if they are noticing their kids are experiencing some of these very normal stressors um and it might look like, obsessing over what someone, you know, what your peers are thinking about you or procrastination. Suddenly not doing your work when you used to be on top of your work, you know, like, what if parents are seeing some of these things, what can they do? Like, how do they get started on figuring out what kind of support their kids need?
Monica: Yeah, I think the most important thing that I suggest to parents is always to create that nurturing and supportive environment and I encourage them to have those open conversations with their kids and to help them validate their feelings and validation may sound like, you know, it's ok to feel anxious, your feelings are valid and I'm here to support you or it could be something along the lines of, you know, I can see that you're struggling and it's okay to ask for help when you need it. Or it can sound like, you know, your feelings are important and I want you to know that I'm here to help you navigate them. So just saying those little things uh makes it more likely for your team to open up to you, but also normalizes what they're going through. So they're not stuck ruminating in their head. I also encourage parents to encourage their own kids to express themselves freely and this could really be done by that non, non judgmental and safe space that you're creating or a big one, listening, listening actively and attentively without interrupting or dismissing their concerns. I find that asking open ended questions really prompts deeper connections. So even starting the conversation by saying, you know, is there anything on your mind today that you want to talk about? Because oftentimes when we ask yes or no questions, it can really limit the conversation. But when they're open ended, it facilitates that deeper conversation that parents are looking to connect with their team.
Another one that I found to be very popular and that hits home is encouraging parents themselves to model healthy emotional expression by sharing their own thoughts and feelings in an open and honest way. Because when your teen sees you opening up or taking proactive and obviously, it's within boundary, but also taking proactive steps to navigate your own challenges and they see you succeeding doing that, they are more likely to engage in that type of adaptive coping mechanism, as I would say, to alleviate the stressor that they're experiencing. And lastly, I would suggest parents to set realistic expectations for your kids and celebrate small victories by recognizing and affirming your kids effort and progress. So that could be something like I'm really proud of how hard you worked on this or you've grown so much as a person in this year. And there are little things that go a long way and that really hit home for teens.
Laura: And that maybe aren't focused on a product right on a grade or, you know, getting a certain spot on a team, you know, that are focused on the child themselves. Yeah.
Monica: Exactly. It's more personal and it's not defining it by that, like, one achievement, but it's, it's meeting those qualities that they're bringing out to the table.
Laura: Okay. So I can, I feel like I can hear the parents of teens listening, thinking to themselves. ‘Okay. Yes, Monica, we agree. These are good things to be doing.’ But my team won't look up from their phone long enough for me to tell them those things. Like my team does not want to hear this stuff from me. They don't want to talk to me. I'm feeling kind of curious about the parents who feel like their teams have pulled away from as on some level they should. Right. So this is appropriate, like, developmentally appropriate. They should be turning towards their peer group like that is, but teens also want the security of their parents. Right. And so if parents are experiencing that and don't necessarily know how to, you know, their kids just don't seem available for that sort of conversation. But are there other ways we can, you know, just Sprinkle in that we're there, we're here to support them.
Monica: Yeah. I agree with you and I do agree that when you're young you don't always want to go to mom and dad for support. You don't want it, it goes in through one ear and out the next. But really if they're struggling with someone or with something, sorry. And for example, they have a really good peer group. And you know that they're not opening up to you, maybe encourage them by saying something like, you know,I'm, if you don't want to talk to me, I hope that you're talking to one of your friends or someone who you can get the same support with or even if you come across, let's say a podcast episode or resource for teens, even if they don't necessarily respond to you but dropping it in a text that way on their own time. If they wanna utilize that resource, they can. And then simple nuggets that even if they're not wanting to open up, still find ways to encourage that conversation because it shows them that you're attentive, you're listening and you're, and you, they have that space available if they choose to open up to you.
Laura: Okay. And do teens like to text with their parents? Like, do they like to do those things over text or do they like to actually, even if they like look reluctant, do they actually like to have the in person conversations with their parents?
Monica: Probably more likely no than yes. But I still think it's one of those things that could be, I think it varies per individual growing up. I had a decently open relationship with my mom where again, I wouldn't wanna tell her everything, but I still think I told her more than a typical teen would, which is where I think my opinion of, you know, still trying to push that conversation comes into play. But I think with that, like, even if they don't respond, let's say they're still seeing that you're trying to facilitate and create that relationship. If that makes sense versus just saying, you know what my team is not responding to me. So this approach doesn't work. I'm not gonna try it ever again.
Laura: Yeah, I mean, I feel like there's room too for the like, you know, to speak their language, right? So when we're like hanging out with kids who are younger, you know, the little ones, we speak their language through play, you know, so when we think they're having a hard time, like that's when we drop everything, we put down our phones and we get close to them through play, right? Like I feel like there's a piece to this that we have to talk their language, right? So that means that might mean sending them a funny Tik Tok video and asking them to learn a dance with us or something, you know, like we have to go to them on some level, right? To where they are. If that's, if that is where they are not in a, like, you know, mean girl's mom trying to be the cool mom way but in a, like, authentic, like what is important to you is important to me kind of way.
Yeah. And I mean, so I feel like the texting thing I feel the parents that I have, that I work with, who have older kids like that they can text their kids. They actually like being able to, like, Sprinkle something in on a text. It feels less confronting and the kids are more receptive and then they end up maybe talking about it in person but it, like, breaks the ice on text. Kind of do. I'm just kind of curious though. I don't talk to very many teens. I, but you do, like, what did they say about this? Like, what do they say about their parents?
Monica: Yeah. I think they, I think they, again, it depends on the relationship that they have with their parents. Some parents and teens have a really good relationship where when I check in with the parent to give them some level of teens, progress without breaking confidentiality, they tend to, I know a lot more than I think they know which surprises me sometimes because I think at the end of the day when they're reaching out for support, the parent already knows kind of what's going on and usually I find the most tends to be more involved not to say the dad isn't. But especially if you're looking at it like a girl to girl. I find that it's the mom that tends to be, more involved in the process and more actively aware. And I wanted to touch on one thing that you said too. It's just like when you drop a nugget in someone's, you know, when you share Tik Tok with them or a podcast episode, that also almost helps you facilitate a conversation down the line where even if you don't get a response, let's say you're having dinner. And you're saying, you know, hey, Jamie, did you have a chance to look at that video I sent you or what did you think of this when you feel like that time is right.
Laura: Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I think too that they, I feel very curious about, you know, if it's still the same way for teens and I think it is. So I know when I was a teen, this was a long time ago, I'm 40. My primary time for unloading my stressors was right before bed and I would crawl into bed with my mom or sit on the floor. She would be reading in bed and I would sit on the floor next to her. So we weren't facing each other, so she'd have her book and she'd be lying down and I'd be on the floor facing away from her and my dad would be next to her trying to fall asleep and, like, moaning and groaning about how long we were talking. But that's how, like that was when I shared that time. Like, I kind of unloaded before bed, you know. And I think she liked that. I certainly felt supported by her most of the time. And my 11 year old is starting to do that. So, every night before bed she crawls in and that's when I hear the drama with the kids at school and all of those things. And I'm kind of curious about why that is. Do you, do you know why that is like, why we feel so much safer doing that at night? Like why kids will need to unload and, and if they're not unloading to us, are there other ways they can do that, unloading that we can support them to, to do that other than, like texting with their friends, you know, like maybe healthier ways to, to unload and process the daily stressors in their lives.
Monica: Yeah, I think that to that point it might be because before bed you're kind of rethinking what went on in your day. Like, even when I get into bed now, I kind of like walking myself through. Oh my God. I had a big day. Here's what happened, right? And sometimes like, like where you and your daughter feel good expressing that or sharing the tea as teens would say, right with someone to get it off their chest. Like, oh my God, mom, you wouldn't believe what happened today or? Like this made me feel like XYZ. But I find that at night time, maybe the pressure is off and their brain is, or they can throughout the day they have a lot going on. So they don't, they're not able to really think about it. Whereas before bed, they're really kind of reflecting on how their day was, which is why you're getting that increased level of expression.
Laura: Do you, are there things that parents should be thinking about? So I think that this is a pretty natural thing that kids do that they come in at, at bedtime and unload. Are there things that we can be doing as parents to, to hold that space and to encourage, as opposed to shut down the communication? Because I mean, if this is happening at 11, gosh, I hope it keeps happening at 13, you know, 15,16. Are there things I can be doing now to encourage that, and help her kind of continue to feel safe?
Monica: Yeah. Well, I think you're already doing it right. And the really, important thing that I wanna address is how much more likely you're able to sustain that conversation or that relationship when you start young, even the importance of building these self regulation skills or these communication skills in teens when they're younger. So that when they're older, they have those tools and resources, they're equipped with them to navigate with the stressor versus kind of freak out when it happens, not really knowing what to do. So, if I was a parent or for you, I would continue to encourage that downtime that you have with your daughter at night time or even try to embed it as a practice. Whereas maybe, and maybe it's not every single night, but maybe it's three times a night. You guys connect before bed and you talk about 5, 10 minutes about what your day was like. And in that case, if your teen is a little bit resistant, maybe you share what happened with your day.
And again, you're, you're, you want to kind of have a boundary where you're not necessarily rejecting your stuff on your, on your teen. But this was a way of, as I mentioned earlier, modeling that healthy expression, that way your teen sees you doing it. And, and it doesn't necessarily have to be where was I going with this? You don't have to expect a response from your team. It could just be if you're, if you're seeing that your team is resistant and it's like, you know, mom, nothing really happened today. I'm okay. I just want to go to bed. You could respect it and maybe try again uh sometime in the following week. Or you could also just say, okay, but you know, do you have the space for me to share one thing that happened with me today? Yeah. So yeah, flip the script and see if they would be open to that and you know, if they say no in that case, okay? But at least you can leave and go to bed knowing, you know what I tried and tomorrow we might try something else, but you're still actively trying to integrate and utilize some of these tools to strengthen that relationship and support your teen with daily life.
Laura: Yeah, I love that. And I also think, you know, you, you mentioned active listening before I have found for me with my, with my daughter that the less I say, the more she talks. So the quieter I am, the more like the more I find out, the more that comes out oftentimes like I just say things like, oh, that happened or like, oh, he said that, you know, like or oh you were doing that, you know, like I just kind of like restate and then like, or I might ask like, what did you do? You know? And I'm just asking like those little open ended questions but very small. And the other thing like the times I've really mucked it up the most is when she starts talking about something that either I'm like, well, I'm not sure she handled that right. You know, and I want to start teaching a lesson, you know, and it turns into a lecture. So those are, you know, those moments like a like afterwards you're like, dang it, you know, missed, I missed a chance to show up better for her. You know, obviously we want to support our kids in growing as people and doing better.
But like in the moment when they're vulnerably sharing something is not the time to do that or hijacking if she shares something that's so similar to maybe an experience that I had that I haven't fully processed for my own teen days or even just from like current relationships, like, just hijacking like, oh, something similar happened to me and this is what I did. They don't necessarily need to hear that right. Then I think that there's, you know, good parts of storytelling that can, you know, where you tell your own stories and how you navigate them. But that doesn't have to happen in the moment when they're sharing their story. Right.
Monica: Yeah. No, I agree. Even in a, in a coaching world, they taught us in our, in our certification, like, try not to always relate to your, client per se because again, even if you had a similar situation, it could have been completely different from the way the person experienced it and give them the space to express that without including yourself in it. And again, there's, there's always a time and place, but like you had said, it's a good way to open the door and just give them that platform.
Laura: Yeah, I mean, I think what you're saying too, like that this was in your coaching training. I think it's because it's so second nature to make sure that people know like they're not alone, right? And so we want people to know like they're not alone. It makes sense that you're feeling this way. Like, but we don't always have to tell our own story to do that, right? We can, we can say things like gosh, that makes so much sense. Like I can totally see why you'd feel that way. You know, like we don't have to, even though we've had the experience, we can hold it in our mind and leave the space to be theirs. Yeah.
Monica: Yeah. And I think that sometimes the intention of sharing that story is to connect with your kid. Of course, sometimes that might come off as too pressured versus just trying to bite your tongue and see, you know how it is, how you can navigate the conversation without relating to your own personal experiences.
Laura: Yeah. I think that kids and teens experience it as you trying to make it about you when they just need something to be about them, right? So even though that's not the intention, all of these wonderful, wonderfully, like, beautifully intentioned parents are trying to relate. Right. But I think the kids take it as that they're trying to make it, that the parents are trying to make it about them. You know, and, and that is something that you just have to, you have to learn to, to bite your tongue sometimes. Right.
Monica: Totally. And even, like, I saw a tik tok recently that was like, it only takes, I think a matter of like, eight minutes for someone to like, need to talk about something in order for it to be out of their system. So it doesn't always have to feel like this really long conversation and certain topics if they're a bit more intense will take more time. But even as a cool, you know, hack for, for teens themselves, if they're having trouble and they're wanting to connect with one of their friends, the tiktok was like, message your friends and say, hey, do you have eight minutes? Yeah. And to send that stage and that kind of signal to the friend, okay. They're going through something, let me hold the space and versus sometimes, you know, we might message someone and say our friend and say, hey, like, do you have a sec to chat or how are you? And it takes, takes time before it's just like you're reaching out, but you're doing it in an indirect way. Whereas when you set the stage for this practice, it's like me asking you if you have eight minutes. Hey, Laura, I need you. Yeah, I need your things on my mind, right? Let's chat if you can.
Laura: Okay. So I have a follow up question. So let's say in, in this these conversations, this unloading or when if we're starting to have more conversations with our kid, we start noticing some kind of negative thought patterns come up like they don't like me or is my fault, you know, just some of the like the very classic negative thought patterns that we all have as humans. What can we do to support our kids with those? Maybe not right in the moment because that feels like a lecture but like outside of the moment in, in supporting our kids to having healthier self talk.
Monica: Yeah, that's a big one that even I was a victim of like when I was even into university, I was so stuck on believing that my thoughts were my reality and that freaked me out even more. And it perpetuated the same cycle because I almost reinforced those thoughts and those feelings. And so my mind started to create similar thoughts that all of a sudden I'm like, how do I get here? Why am I so in a stump? And so this is the importance of for kids and for parents to be aware of your own inner dialogue. Because if you have that constant negative self talk, it can impact your levels of anxiety by reinforcing those yucky feelings of self doubt and adequacy. And so even for parents, if they hear that their teen is talking and, and having questions framed more in a victim mindset as I like to refer to. So that may sound like something you mentioned before. But why does this always happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? You know, why does like, you know, feel so unfair? Like even as a parent asking questions that reframe it in a different way, so you can you can help your, your kid become aware of the questions that they're asking and, and share with them that you know, it might not be as productive but come back with them and say, you know, instead of always asking yourself, why does this always happen to me?
Let's ask yourself what steps can I take to overcome this challenge instead of asking yourself, what did I do to deserve this? Ask yourself what resources or support can I seek to help me through this? What can I learn from this experience to help me grow? A big one that I like is how have I successfully dealt with similar situations in the past? Because if you've dealt with something similar, you know that you overcame it and how can you utilize that experience to help you navigate and overcome what you're going through right now as well? So a big thing is helping your child become aware of their internal dialogue, helping your child separate themselves from their thoughts, you know, that way. It teaches them that just because they have a thought, it doesn't mean it's true and then reframing it or helping them reframe it in a growth mindset by asking themselves these powerful and constructive questions.
Laura: Okay. So I love all of those things and I'm curious how you balance them with empathy and validation for these kids. And like, especially in this moment when they're coming to you with like, like why does this always happen to me? Like, how do you balance that with, you know, with wanting to support them and have them feel like you're on their side? Do you know what I'm saying? Like I sometimes feel, I wonder if I myself as a parent, as a child, if I would have taken those things as my parents dismissing my worries and fears. I feel like I would much be, have been much more open to hearing those things from a counselor or coach or therapist than from my actual parents. So, is there a way that parents can balance that, that, do you know what I'm saying? Like that? Like this, I think the kids need the support first, but they also need the recon to reconstruct the thoughts too. You know, they need both. How can we as parents give both?
Monica: Absolutely. And I see what you say in terms of you don't want to dismiss or quickly shift out of it. You still want to acknowledge and validate how your kid is feeling while giving them the space to express it. Because it's true. If you quickly shift it, not only will the teen maybe feel like you're dismissing their feelings. But again, that feeling is gonna keep on coming up because we're not really addressing the root of it. So that reassurance and that validation, right can come simply by a statement that says, you know, I can see what you're going through and it's okay to feel this way. But a big question that parents could ask themselves is what do you need from me right now? Like do you want advice? You want support that way because you may think you're being helpful by giving them advice. But what if they just need a sounding board?
Laura: Yeah, that's what I always ask my girls, you know, when they come to me with a problem, do you need me to just listen, do you need my advice or do you need me to get involved? So, you know, kind of what do you, so those are the three levels that my younger kids have, you know, older kids might, I guess might have different levels of needs for involvement. But yeah, I really appreciate that reminder to check in with the kid. I think our kids are really wise and if they don't necessarily know what they need to start with listening. Yeah. And then, and moving in, I also think circling back can be helpful. So like if you're doing a lot of the, just the validating the listen, active listening and stuff and you hear some of those thoughts, I think we can circle back to them, you know, especially like after maybe the situation has diffused a little bit and circle back and say, I noticed you kind of saying things like you know, like why does this always happen to me? And I was kind of curious about that, is that a thought that comes up, you know, a lot for you. Like I think we can circle back at other times. Right? Does the circle back work in this setting?
Monica: I like that approach a lot because not only are you doing it in a very gentle and compassionate way, but you're also helping them become aware of their language. Yeah.
Laura: Right. Because so much of this is unconscious, right? Yeah. Okay. So talk to me about how if you're a parent. So I've got kids who know I'm a feelings doctor and one of them loves to learn about feelings from me and loves to learn about how her mind works and her self talk and we do internal family systems together. It's so much fun. The other one has zero interest. She wants me in the mom box and that's why she doesn't want me in her feelings. Doctor Box. Right. So she doesn't, so if we've got one of those kids who's not really open to learning about this stuff from us, I think it could be super powerful to have someone like you in their kids lives. Like, how do we know when, when our kids need support that goes beyond us or is different from us? And what can that support? Like, what are the various ways that support can look like?
Monica: Yeah, that's a good question. I think it, it is really kind of, as parents already do, is really keeping an eye on your kid and seeing how their stress levels are usually, you know, your kids inside and now, you know, your kids more than anyone else on the outside knows them. So when you feel like something keeps as consistent or for example, withdrawing, isolating all these signs and symptoms that we've mentioned before are intensifying, maybe then it's an option to, hey, like I see you're going through something, you know, I want to be a help. But if you need something more, let me know. So really it's just about if you've utilized your tools as a mom and even as the feelings coach, right? And it's not working, how can we then have a conversation where we're still acknowledging and validating how your daughter is feeling? But also asking her if there's any additional support that you can provide her with, not, not you yourself but anyone else that's external.
Laura: I mean, I know my, both of my kids love having a caring adult in their lives that is not in their family that they go to talk to. So they both have therapists that they adore. I feel kind of curious too about them, you know, so for both my kids, they have clinical levels of anxiety. One is autistic and one is has generalized anxiety disorders. They're at the clinical level, but there are lots of kids who aren't like we've talked about before and I feel kind of curious, you know, when I was a kid. So we're thinking 30 years ago, you know, when I was entering into my tweens, tweens wasn't even a word back then in the, you know, prehistoric times. But self growth like self development, you know, I mean, I think what the secret was out then, you know, like there was, it wasn't out there in the world in the way that it is now. And so I feel very curious about these kids who have more access to self growth than they ever have before. You know, there's amazing Tik Tok channels that they can be watching. I mean, there's lots of stuff that I think is harmful for their confidence and their anxiety levels on social media. But there's also some content out there that they're having access to and learning that is beneficial. But like what are some of the benefits for these kids having access to a way to learn kind of self development and self growth at a younger age?
Monica: Oh my gosh, the impacts are incredible and even I've witnessed them, which is what really kind of inspired me to get into this field. Because even touching on the conversation we had before this question, my self growth journey, I had a, I had a neighbor and she was a great neighbor. She was like a mentor to me. And again, like I had a really good relationship with my parents. But at the same time as a teen or a young adult, I still wanted someone to talk to who I could openly say anything about without worrying about what my parents are going to say, what if they, you know, judge me or this gets, you know, way worse than it needs to. I found a mentor who opened me up to a self growth journey which was basically a coach for me and it really was pivotal and transformational in my life. It inspired me to get to where I am today. But some of the outcomes of dealing with anxiety, whether or whether it's at a clinical or a non clinical level is your increased self regulation. So really being able to regulate those big emotions when they come in. So it prevents teens from panicking, being overwhelmed or having those aggressive outbursts, increased self awareness is massive. And again, these are all things that I wish were taught at the education level.
Laura: Right. Yeah. And I do think that they're, it's becoming more and more common to teach those social and emotional skills at school, but not to the extent that we need them, for sure.
Monica: Yeah. It's being even introduced at the mindfulness level, which again, I'll take it, I even was at Walmart a couple weeks ago or not, not a couple of weeks ago last weekend and I saw a book that was teaching, that was for little kids teaching them how to meditate. I'm like this is kind of the direction that we want to go in because that increased self awareness helps people develop a deeper understanding of their emotions, their triggers and their thought patterns, which gives them that insight to their well being. You have improved coping skills and self help techniques to effectively manage those symptoms and reduce the impact of those stressors. A big one, a big outcome would be enhanced resilience. So when teens are able to face and overcome a challenge, they build their resilience which allows them to bounce back from setbacks and they bounce back from it with more strength and courage because they think to themselves, I did that before their self talk is improving, right? And their confidence improves with that. And when your confidence skills are increased or higher, your decision making skills are better and you feel more empowered as a team to pursue and achieve your goals because you have that courage and determination as a backbone.
Laura: Okay, I love that. You mentioned books. I'm kind of curious. Do you have a favorite book that you recommend to teens to you, to the, to the teens in your life right now. I know I always have just stacks and stacks of books too. I'm just curious, you know, like, is there one that you, like, like to hand out, like candy to the teens that you work with?
Monica: I haven't gotten there yet, to be honest with you. But if I were to quickly look at my books that I'm doing right now, there's one that I haven't,, fully started reading but calming your anxious mind. This one, this one is by Jeffrey Brantley. So how mindfulness and compassion can free you from anxiety, fear and panic?
Laura: Oh, that looks good.
Monica: This one has been on my radar for a long time. BBut nothing specifically geared to teens. Nothing specifically geared to teens on top of my mind right now. I don't want to just throw out a book.
Laura: Okay. Yeah. Well, maybe you can reconnect with me and tell me if you find one and I can recommend one. It's like, oh, gosh, I think about all the books I recommend to parents, but it's always nice to have a book that you can just, like, put out on the bookshelf. So, like, my, like, bibliotherapy approach for my kids is like, if I give them the book and say, like, I think you should read this, they will never read it. But if I put it on the coffee table and they, then they will say like, what's this? And I'm like, oh, it's just a book I was looking at, then they'll be like, can I look at it? Okay, whatever. And then they'll read it. So I totally agree. I love having the, just all the books around.
Monica: You know, it's like that, like, you're planting the seeds. I remember even when I had a really good book that when I was reading it, I was really kind of thinking about my brother and what he was going through and I was like, dude, you should read this book, like, you know, and it sat in his, in his dresser for weeks on end and I would follow up and I, I'd be like, did you read it? No. And sometimes, you know, sometimes reading people actually prefer audibles over physical books. Right. But I totally agree with you in the fact that, when you try to push something on someone, they become more resistant to it. And it's just like, oh my God, like there's so much valuable juice in here. But at the end of the day, sometimes you have to just lay that foundation, like putting that book on the coffee table and let them kind of get there on their own.
Laura: Yeah, I agree. Well, Monica, it was really fun to talk with you about this. I really appreciate your help and kind of, you know, diving into kind of how we can support our, our anxious teens, our teens that are feeling overwhelmed. And I would love to have the folks who are listening know where they can get in touch with you or get support from you.
Monica: Yeah, they can, I'm always active on social media. So my handle, I will reach, I'll let you know, but it's double underscore conscious coach. My website has all the information that goes more in depth about what I do, who I am, and how I got here. That's conscious coach.Biz. Um So I would always encourage them to go on the website so they can learn more and contact me through that way. But I also look forward to working with parents or teens who are ready to not let their anxiety define them and really just help them build the awareness to know that what you're going through is normal and there's ways that you can get support. But I always say taking the first step is always the hardest even like initiating that conversation just to say like, you know what I think I need help. Like it's it's not easy because it's being vulnerable, but shifting into seeing vulnerability as his strength is awesome. And I also want to thank you for the opportunity for letting me come on this episode today and share more about these insights that I really hope help parents and their teens.
Laura: Yeah. Oh, I hope so too. Thanks Monica.
Monica: No problem.
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