Episode 199: Parenting and the Power of Social Networks: Nurturing Friendships and Adult Connections with Florence Ann Romano
/Welcome to another episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, where I sit down with Florence Ann Romano, a personal growth strategist, author, philanthropist, and author of Build Your Village, to discuss the importance of adult friendships and social networks, especially for parents.
Here are some of the key takeaways:
Understanding the friendship recession and how it may be affecting you
Struggling with deep friendships and receiving support from others
Challenges of meaningful connections (especially with age)
Distinguishing between friendships and community in connection-building
Understanding boundaries and roles in friendships and community
Exploring friendship archetypes and their roles in connections
Finding supportive friends and making connections as adults
If you enjoyed the conversation with Florence, you can visit her website florenceann.com, Instagram @florenceannromano, Facebook @florenceannromano, and Pinterest @florenceannromano.
Resources:
Listen in as Florence and Dr. Laura provide heartfelt insights and tips for anyone looking to strengthen their social circles and create fulfilling, long-lasting friendships.
I would love to hear from you! If you have any questions you’d like to have answered on the podcast or any takeaways or wins you’d like to share you can leave me a message here: https://www.speakpipe.com/laurafroyenphd
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent podcast, we are gonna be focusing on you, the parents and the importance of your social network and friendships and how to make friends as grown ups. This is something that I continue to work on in my adulthood. And I'm so excited to have the support in this conversation for a beautiful person who I've just met. But I'm really excited to share her with you. So her name is Florence Ann Romano. She's got a great book out called Build Your Village that really focuses on building community for adults. And I'm so excited Florence to have you here on the show. Welcome. And why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do and then we'll dive into making grown up friendships.
Florence: I am thrilled to be here, Doctor Laura, to have a new friend in you and to meet you all virtually in this way. And, you know, the topic of friendship has always been important to me, but it really started and, and this always shocks people from my time being a nanny. Back in the day, a long time ago, I was a nanny and I loved working with children. I loved working with different families. I was always curious about human behavior and connection and dynamics and wrote a children's book to help children understand why they have a nanny or a caretaker in their life. And then that kind of led me down a path of doing child care and family advocacy. And then when COVID hit, I started looking at the landscape of connection very differently. And I thought, oh my goodness, for the first time, at least in my lifetime, we all know on a global level what it feels like to lose our support systems, to lose our people. And I started thinking about that. Proverb, right, Doctor Laura, that Proverb, we all know those mothers know it takes a village to raise a child and we know every politician has said it. But I always say that as much as I believe in that. Proverb, I believe it also excludes a great number of people. What about people who don't have kids? Are you saying that, you know, they don't deserve to find their people, they don't deserve to find their community and of course they do. So I cut out that in half and that it takes a village and no matter what you were born into, no matter your village, you know of you know, of birth, you know, genetic lottery, whatever you wanna call it. I want to empower people to know that they can find those people for themselves, that everyone deserves to find that connection for themselves. And so that's what led me here into the personal growth category of talking about friendship and connection and, and how important that is, especially today in the world where there's a friendship recession and so many mental health crises around the, around the world, around the globe.
Laura: Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Okay. So talk to me about a friendship recession. What does that mean? And, and why are we so lonely because we are, we're the loneliest generation to ever live.
Florence: We are. And you would think Dr. Laura that we wouldn't be based on how many ways we can connect. But what I found to be the most troubling was after COVID when things started to come back and you were able to see people again and kind of rebuild what was lost and reconnect again, started noticing that people were like, not doing that, not interested in it. And I was like, well, this is weird because everyone was kind of upset that we didn't have that and now you can and you don't want it anymore. And, you know, yoga pants and Netflix was a lot more interesting than actually going out there and having a cup of coffee with someone. You're like, I don't really feel like my social battery is ready for that. We're like newborn babies kind of kicking and screaming about the fact that we had to see people again. And so all of a sudden, you know, everyone's reporting about this friendship recession and people feel so lonely and disconnected and everyone's mental health is suffering from it. And I was thinking my goodness. Okay. Yeah, this makes perfect sense, but I'm not seeing the effort behind it. I'm seeing people want the best of both worlds in some way, like where they don't really want to have to put the effort into friendships and connection, but also wanna feel like they are connected to something and someone and a part of something or purposeful. And so that really started making me mad too because, you know, we can blame a lot of different people and a lot of different things for why there's an obstacle. But like I say in my book, you know, here are the directions to the village that everyone seems to wanna talk about, you know, these directions to the village, but I can't make you get in your car and drive there. I need to see the effort. I have to see you want it. And I feel like that's the secret sauce that not everyone wants to talk about if you say you want it but actually doing it is an entirely different thing.
Laura: Oh, that's so interesting to me. So I was definitely one of those people who, during kind of the quarantine heydays, my family, you know, we're all introverts. We felt pretty comfortable hanging out with each other, you know, and it was getting back into the swing of things with, you know, now they're, my girls are now, you know, um, 11 and nine, they are becoming much more peer oriented. The play dates are really ramping up at our house. I had to, like, learn how to get good at that because that was something that I was just, was not, was hard for me as a shy introvert. And, you know, so they've been really like this past year over the summer, they were like mom as we go back to school, we want more play dates. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to put that effort in. Right. And so this effort, this effort in, I mean, and I did, I got the phone numbers, I'm making the play dates and stuff, you know, my husband is too, like we share that load, you know, because it definitely is a shared thing and I'm thinking about with my own friendships because for me personally, this is I like to get a little personal on this show sometimes.
Florence: Yeah, please do. Let's go there, let's go.
Laura: So for me in my life, I make really deep friendships and usually for every kind of season of my life, I have one really deep friendship and when I move into a new phase of my life. That one kind of fades into the background. Maybe I keep in touch with them a little bit. But then there was one at another deep one. I have never been very good at managing a broad network of friends. And I feel isolated because of that at times because I don't have, you know, in your book, you talk about these kinds of, these six different archetypes of friends. And it's interesting, I think about myself. I often fulfill a lot of those roles within that one deep relationship, but I very rarely have the opportunity to be on the receiving end of those roles. And it's very challenging for me. I love being the helper. I'm in a helping profession. I love, you know, I feel so good and comfortable there. So many of the people in my field were the helpers in their friend groups in high school. You were the people that you come to and lay your problems on, you know, and that feels so good to be that dependable, open, receiving person. And at the same time, I'm not super open and receiving my own support, you know, open to others wanting to support me was fascinating. And so I feel like I'm kind of curious about how that relates to this idea of, of effort because it's hard, it's hard to make friends when you're not putting yourself out there.
Florence: It's true. And, you know, we don't have the built in opportunities like we did when we were younger. You know, like your kids are talking about being in school. Right. I mean, you just, you know, walk in the door and you've got 20 friends or you're in school and you're meeting people that way or, you know, you know, that it's, it's very different, you know, you're in your work environment and that's how you're meeting people. And the same thing goes for dating, you know, the older you get, I mean, that this is coming from a single girl. I'm gonna be 39 this year. I'm not married, no kids. And I'm like, you know, laughing with my girlfriends who are like, well, like, what's the effort that you're putting in? I was like, I don't talk about the logic in the situation. I'm gonna tell you that I don't want, I'm not by dating, don't apply any of the logic. They're like, didn't you write a book about connection? And I was like, yeah, I don't wanna talk about that though. I'm not applying that here. So, you know, I mean, it's like, you know, do, as I say, not as I do sort of thing, but I have to take my own advice. But regarding, you know, friendships again, it is difficult as we get older. We hear people bemoan that very often and, and I mean, think about even the elderly generation, you know, they see people, you know, who are now, you know, passing on and, you know, they don't have those opportunities for, you know, friendship anymore the way they used to or they're so, you're not, they're not socially as active, but they're a generation of people that desperately need connection and need to feel purposeful and need to, feel, seen, heard and understood just like the rest of us do at, you know, whether it's 40 or 80. And so think about how this subject matter doesn't really age out. You know, it's all right. It, always exists. It is, it's always going to be there. And that's why I really wanted my book to be kind of the, the, the hope and prayer was like the true North.
You know, it was like no matter what you're going through in your life, whatever is happening, you can come back to this book and work these steps and figure this out because it is always going to apply to your life in some way. But to go back to the original question of, you know, why is it so difficult for us to do this? Yes, we don't have the environment for it. But number two, the bandwidth in our life tends to get in the way and you're a busy mom, you know, you and you, you know, you're working, you've got a lot of other obligations going on and it seems to be difficult, especially for women to think that they can put the effort into themselves because it seems so, it seems like they're not serving that. And I'm not, I'm not doing everything for my Children or doing everything for my spouse or doing everything for everyone else because I'm focusing on what I need. But it goes back to that old idea of, you know, the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others. And that's what friendship and connection is. It is an oxygen mask and it's also quality versus quantity. That's also a big part. You just mentioned, you know, you don't have the bandwidth or want to have all these different, you know, multiple relationships necessarily, you kind of pour yourself maybe into one quality one. And I think that's also kind of mis it's, it's mis categorized in our world today where people think that they do need to have an enormous calendar, this huge social calendar in order for people to think that they have connection and friendship. And I'll tell you what Doctor Laura, some of the lone, loneliest people I know are the busiest. Some of the loneliest people I know are the busiest because what they're doing or who they're spending their time with is not actually nourishing them. And that's what we need to focus on is the nourishment factor and the quality factor of connection and not the number because that was, you know, that's like, oh, being younger and you're like, oh, you know, you're only popular if you have all of these friends. Like, why are we still, why are we still in that mentality? That right. Right. Condition thing.
Laura: That was really validating to hear. Thank you for saying that. Yeah, I really appreciated hearing that because I do think, I think I've always been critical of myself since the time I was a young child. That I've only barely been able to have, like, maintain one close relationship. You know, it's interesting to think about that history and tendency that we have to be critical of ourselves to, like, look at ourselves and think we're not doing enough, you know.
Florence: Well, well, can I ask you? I guess that, that question, then Doctor Laura, if you pour yourself into that, you know, individual relationship perhaps, are you feeling like something is missing? Are you feeling like you don't have the support from people that you need? And that's why you're thinking you're doing something wrong is because you feel like something's missing or is something, is it the guilt or is actually something missing? Which one is it?
Laura: Yeah, it's interesting. You know. So right now, the close friends that I do have are very mutual and so I feel very fulfilled by them in other stages of my life. They've been very one directional where I've done a lot of the supporting and haven't received that support back, you know. But the close friends that I have now I feel very fulfilled and, and well taken care of. And I think the sources of those friends are also different. Like my mom is one of my closest friends and my husband is my best friend too. And, and then I have, you know, one or two girlfriends, you know, who are my really, like, gosh, I can go to them with anything and they will see me and accept me unconditionally, you know. But in other stages of my life where I felt like I wasn't doing it right. I definitely felt drained. And my, you know, my only source of support was my therapist with someone I had to pay for.
Florence: He said, well, you know what I talk about that in the book I talk about, sometimes there's an entry fee, new connection and that is, there's nothing wrong with that. It's the same way, right? Doctor Lau, it's the same way I would join a board or something like that, you know, a board, you know, for example, I'm on a board at a children's hospital here in Chicago. And obviously the mission is important to me. But also one of the reasons I wanted to do something like that is because I did want to broaden my connection based and not in the networking way. It was, I just wanted to meet different people and uh from a different, you know, kind of demographic. And yeah, in order for me to be on that board, there's, there's a check that needs to be written in order to, you know, do that philanthropy. But do I feel that those connections that I've made are any, are devalued because I had to write, I write a check. No. So I think again, it's demystifying and debunking the notion that if you have to pay an entry fee for something that it makes it less important or less special. And so I it's also reimagining what connection looks like too and knowing that there's a goal in mind that you have. If the goal is connection, then you're willing to do what's needed in order to create that opportunity for yourself.
Laura: Oh, I really like that. And I feel like you're helping me broaden my idea because I think when we came into this conversation, I was thinking about talking about friends and what you're really talking about is community and those are two different things, right? And so in building community, I'm just thinking about this art class that I just joined. I go to an art studio once a week and everybody is working on their own projects, but we're all working in the same medium and there's one kind of guide teacher, artist who helps us when we get stuck. And that's definitely a community that I feel very fulfilled by. I'm, you know, probably the youngest person in the room by 20 to 25 years. And that my dream, I mean, I mean, that's delightful in its own way because these, oh my gosh, these other artists are, you know, so unencumbered by the constraints of, you know, giving, giving a care about, you know, things and they themselves, it's so lovely to be around. I really love that you are helping me broaden my conceptualization of what it means to have a community that it's not just close friends, but it's other pieces too. Right.
Florence: It again, yes, it is. All pieces of the puzzle and also levels of connection. You know, I have my best girlfriend. She's my ride or die. You know, we call each other, we're like soul sisters. You know, we don't need any social battery to be with each other. And, you know, it, we're, we're the sisters by choice, you know, and that she is in that role. And then I have other friendships that serve different reasons and, you know, purposes I have, you know, the friend that I'm gonna go have the drink with when I want to forget all my troubles. I have the one that's gonna give me the tough love. I have the one that, you know, is the good time, you know, and, and so I think this is also a big takeaway for connection for people is you have to set yourself up and set the other people in your life up for success in the relationship, expectation for that you have of them. So if I'm looking, for example, at my good time friend, the one that I'm gonna have a drink with after a tough day. And I'm looking to that person to be the healer in my life or to be the accepting Villager in my life. I'm talking about some of the archetypes. Now in my book, if I'm looking at that person to be the accepting Villager, the one that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to and confide in and totally let my guard down.
Am I actually, is that the right person to be doing that with? Are they actually, do they have the skill set or personality to do that? And that's important for you to know that not every friend you're gonna pour into the same way. And so sometimes you need to reassign those roles of people in your life because maybe you've set that person up to be that person, but they've betrayed you in some way in terms of a secret or something you've said doesn't mean they're a bad person. It just means that they're not in the right role. They're not sitting in the right seat. Maybe they're your organizer Villager, they're gonna get things done. You can delegate to them. So I'm just trying to get people and challenge people to understand that not every person is gonna say, serve the same purpose in your life and be in your life in the same intensity. And that's a very important lesson in order to like, go out there and actually build friendships, have that expectation.
Laura: Yeah, I really like that too. And I mean, and there's an aspect of consent in there too around what role do they want to have in your life too. Right. So we have varying levels of capacity, that person might be available to another person to be that, you know, deep healing Villager. But they're not available to you. And that's we all have choice and the ability to decide those things for ourselves as opposed to having those roles impressed upon us.
Florence: Absolutely beautifully set too because this is not just about me, me, me, I always say this, you know, you can't just what do I need, what do I not? What do I need? Who do I need? What do I want? Can't just be about that. It also has to be introspective about how you show up for other people who are you and other people's villages? Because that's also going to give you insight to yourself as well and also give you permission to kind of establish your boundaries and right boundaries. And that's you fighting for the relationship boundaries. Those people think it's a dirty word. It's not, you're fighting for the relationship. It's important to have that I always give the example for me, you know, I always thought I could be all six of those archetypes. And at certain times in my life I can and to certain people I can. But I was going through IVF years ago to freeze my eggs and I was a basket case during that time, hormones everywhere. I was a wreck. And I could really only muster up certain energy for certain people and to kind of be a certain type of people during that time. And I had to say hands up in the air. I can't, I can't show up for you the way I used to, but I can do this. That awareness is also very important when you're making connections in your life that not every season you're going to be able to do what you've always been able to do. You have to give yourself that grace and give that grace to other people too.
Laura: I really appreciate that reminder too. And, and that at various seasons and our lives were able to take on roles that we aren't always able to do. I love that. That's beautiful. So we've mentioned the archetypes a few times now, can you just run through quickly what they are? And I mean, I know that that's like the meat, you know, there's a, each one has a chapter in your book. So I don't, I understand like we can't, you know, have a full, you know, correspondent right now. But, you know, I would love to just know kind of what they are. And then maybe, like, I'll ask you a follow up question once you tell us what they are.
Florence: Well, and again, these six, I want to make this disclaimer. I'm not saying if you don't have these six people that you're like, not a fully formed person, like, you know, I gotta go run out there and get these six people and if I don't have them, then I'm doing something wrong in my life. And you know, that's not what I want people to take away from. But the six are accepting dependable cheerleader, communicator organizer and healer. And I say that I'm gonna run through those quickly just because I do it on purpose. As soon as I say those six, usually I can see people's faces start to do this kind of mental chess game where they're starting to cast people into those roles just based on context clues of what you think that those six mean. And that's exactly what I want you to do. That's exactly what I'm challenging you to do in this book: cast, your Village, cast it like a movie or a play. And these are your main people, these are your main characters. And after you do that, if you see that there are some gaps or things missing, maybe that is what's missing in your life maybe that's why you're waking up, maybe feeling a little depleted, maybe feeling a little sad, maybe a little disconnected is because there is something or somewhere in this village, a gap that you do need to fill. And now, you can be intentional about going out there because you're going to know what you're looking for. You're gonna know the qualities you're looking for.
Laura: So that's my question. Kind of circling back to the very beginning where you said that big word effort. I feel very curious. So we found it may be like the person listening has gone through this list. They have found like, oh, yeah, I am missing, you know, I don't know, missing one of these, right? Maybe I'm missing the cheerleader in my life where I'm missing the, dependable one. How do you go about, what does that effort of finding that person look like? What do you, what do you do? How do you find them when we're not like built in, you know, like when we're not in a cohort at school where you're not, you know, we, we don't have these built in environments, especially for, I don't know where you work at this point in time, but for me, I work out of my home. I never leave my house unless it's a, do school pick up and go to the grocery store, you know.
Florence: Exactly. No, I'm gonna give you what I think is the secret and I think it works across the board and it's philanthropy. I think philanthropy is the best way to make connections because you're gonna think about what makes my heart flutter. What means something to me. You know, we live in a very techno, you know, technology driven world, throw it into Google what you're interested in, see what is available in your community, where you live in your city and see what the, what opportunities are available to you to go and do something that is going to would be a ripple effect of compassion or kindness in this world. I believe our purpose in life is to live a life in service and in service of others and whatever capacity that means to you. So why don't you find, figure out where you can give back and do something and then what happens hopefully is you're there in a room full of people that are like minded have similar values to you and you have this guard that's gonna be down because you're all there for the right reasons. You're all there for similar reasons. And now you have an opportunity to connect with people that you already have a subject matter to talk about.
You already have something that's gonna connect you to one another and hopefully that's gonna lead to friendships. And I think that that is like the pebble that you drop into the water and you see that ripple effect happen because hopefully that leads to other relationships and opening other doors. But if you are stuck today in this place that I don't know what to do, I don't know how to step outside my comfort zone. I don't know how to be a little bit brave today in this. This is a really beautiful way to do that. That's also not intimidating. And there it's, and I really feel and I've tested it so many times for so many years and I really do think that that is the perfect first step for someone who feels like they don't know what to do.
Laura: And I really love that perspective and I really love that very conscious step out into the community and step into giving as a I don't know, it's just a good energy to put into the world as opposed to going out and seeking just for yourself, going, you know, being of service and offering yourself into the service of others and having that be the thing that connects you to a community. I really like that. That's beautifully put. Thank you.
Florence: Well, thank you. I mean for letting me chat about it. And also the last thing I'll say about that is it takes the ego out of it too. So much of this. Feels selfish, right? I need, I want, I have to, I gotta have this, I don't have this, I'm, I'm, you know, it's, it's all the focus is on yourself and you're like, gosh, I'm so sick of myself already thinking I, I'm, you know, focusing all this attention, you know, so, it helps you kind of, you know, channel that differently, that energy differently and, and, and it reframes it for you instead of it seeming like it's all about me. It's not, it's, I'm, I'm gonna give and it's okay and it's okay to give myself permission to have some perks come from that, you know, it's okay. Hey, and I, you know, I think we need to be able to say that to one another and to ourselves that it's okay if out of giving and out of serving, there is something that we also receive and if that's friendship, wonderful and if it's 10 other things fabulous. But I think it's ok for us to say that to one another.
Laura: I appreciate that. Thank you so much. I feel like I have, we're, I, I wanna be mindful of our time. Can I have you back on the show sometime?
Florence: Any time Doctor Laura. I, it's, it's flown by and I feel like you and I are just sitting on my couch having a conversation or taking a walk together. Like I said, I love it and I would be honored to be back any time because there's so many other things we could talk about too.
Laura: So I do like I have an idea for another topic. So listeners who are listening and are interested in this, this kind of adult friendship piece. I do, I do get messages from you sometimes about falling outs you've had with friends or conflicts that have come up in your friend group. And I feel very curious, Florence, if you would be willing to come and maybe talk through some of those with us. So listeners if you have, you know, friendship questions for yourself, not just for your kids, you know, but for you, I would love to have you email them to me once you've listened to this and then maybe we can get Florence and back on the show to answer some of those questions. That would be so much fun.
Florence: I would love it, Doctor Laura after in my book about the village burning Down and let's talk about it. Let's talk about that village burning down. So I would love it. Thank you.
Laura: Awesome. Yay. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you so much for your time today. I appreciate and value you. I want to make sure that listeners can go and connect with you. Where can they find you?
Florence: florenceann.com is my website. My books available there or anywhere are sold in Florence Ann Romano on social media. I answer every DM I get to please think of me as your village and reach out and I'm so happy to connect with you. My friend, Doctor Laura.
Laura: Me too. It was so great to meet you. Thank you.
Florence: Thank you.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!