Episode 186: How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Teens with Melanie McNally
/Welcome to another episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, where we talk about how to raise and support emotionally intelligent teens and its three components. We are joined by Dr. Melanie McNally, a clinical psychologist, Gen Z Brain coach and the author of the book called The Emotionally Intelligent Teen.
Here are some of the key takeaways:
Parental challenges in emotion and communication during adolescence
How to take a supportive parenting stance in when navigating adolescents' emotional and developmental complexities
Balancing privacy and guidance in parenting during adolescent development challenges
Supporting kids who need emotional help but resist parental advice (building their village)
Emotional intelligence and its three components
Balancing self-awareness, self-regulation without numbing, and modeling for children
Understanding and managing teenagers' impulsive emotional expressions for better communication
If you're looking to connect with Dr. Melanie and learn more about her work, visit her website destinationyou.net, Instagram @drmelaniencnally, and LinkedIn @drmcnally.
Resources:
May these insights guide you in fostering stronger connections and understanding with your adolescent children, creating a harmonious and supportive family environment.
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we're going to be talking about teens specifically how to raise emotionally intelligent teens, the three components of emotional intelligence and how to support our kiddos in having them and maybe even how to get some of those components for ourselves if we didn't have the benefit of growing up this way. To help me with this conversation, I have Doctor Melanie McNally. She is a clinician who focuses in on supporting teens and teens and young adults in becoming well rounded but really emotionally intelligent and grounded and reducing anxiety and all those delicious, good things that we probably all wish we had had when we were younger and are doing that work now. So Melanie, please welcome to the show. I'm so happy to have you. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourself? You know who you are, what you do and we'll dive in.
Dr. Melanie: Yes, thank you for having me. So I am Melanie McNally. I'm a licensed clinical psychologist and brain coach and I've been working specifically with adolescents since 2013. Before that I was working with adults, but I, you know, I really got into this work because I had such a, you know, dysfunctional and anxiety ridden childhood that and I didn't know how to manage my own anxiety. I didn't know how to talk about my feelings. And I really wanted to be the support person that I wish I would have had when I was younger. And so that's what led me to the work and to specifically, you know, diving in with adolescents is just to be able to be that support for them that, you know, like you even said in the intro, maybe some of us didn't grow up with these things. I certainly didn't, I certainly didn't grow up emotionally, you know, learning about emotional intelligence or learning how to anxiety whatsoever. And so I really like the idea of teaching that to young people now and thinking of the way that can completely change their course and path in life in such a positive way.
Laura: Yeah, I love that, you know, oh, so many of us who are, you know, listen to this show have been so deeply committed to being emotionally present with our kids, to respecting kind of their humanity, right from the very beginning that they are full human beings capable and entitled to the full range of human experience and emotion. And there's aspects of them that are quite hard when they're young, right? But we know how to be there, we know how to be present for them when they're young. I think for a lot of the parents that, you know, who've been following with me coming, coming along in my own parenting journey, we entering those tweens and teen stages and it gets hard, it gets hard in a different way. I'm kind of curious about if you have some, I don't know, well, like, just some insight for us about like, why it's so hard, you know, like why does my teen child only really want to talk about things in an intense or vulnerable way in the dark in bed right before we go to sleep, you know, like what or in the car not looking at me like what, what's going on with these kids? Why is it hard to so, you know, what, what are some of the stumbling blocks that parents run up against? And how can we you know, keep, you know, stay firmly rooted in this mission of raising these emotionally intelligent kids even as they move into adolescence?
Dr. Melanie: Yes. So adolescence brings two key things that really change the way parents have to interact with them. One is that adolescents are all about identity formation. During adolescence, this is when teens are starting to figure out their own identity. And oftentimes that means trying things on, you know, trying on an identity and seeing if it fits, see what they like about it, what they don't like about it. And that can be really challenging for a parent because you might, you know, maybe your kid when they were 10, maybe they loved playing the piano and they were really social and talkative and now you're watching them, you know, maybe become a little more introverted or maybe they are, instead of playing the piano, maybe they're wanting to have a garage punk rock band. And you're kind of like, what, who are you? But this identity formation stage is really key to adolescent development. They're really getting like this is when they're figuring out who they are. And then the second thing that's really important that's happening during this time is that teens and tweens for the first time, they are aware of their, they're starting to think about their future, when kids are young, everything is very much like immediate right here.
Laura: As the moment they’re so good at that.
Dr. Melanie: Yeah. So good. Oh, my gosh. So that's why, yeah, young kids are so fun to be around because one of the reasons, but they're, they're so in the moment it's really helpful for an adult to be around that. But tweens and teens are now starting to think about the future. They're aware of the fact that what they do now is gonna have an impact on their future. They're starting to imagine how they want their future to look and that brings like a whole host of new thoughts and new emotions with it because they haven't been thinking that way before. And so when they're entering that stage, you might start to notice some anxiety and a lot of self doubt because for the first time, they're like, wait a minute, can I like? This is the person I want to be in the future is that even really possible for me?
Laura: Okay. So as, as parents who are seeing our kids and starting to move into these phases, you know, the stage where we're seeing these, these two things playing out, what is the kind of the posture or the stance we need to embody to provide a supportive environment for kids who are navigating these complicated things?
Dr. Melanie: One is, and I'm sure your audience is great about this but having a very like nonjudgmental open ear, you know, you don't want to shut down your child as they are trying out a new identity. You know, you don't want to make comments about maybe another one other friends who maybe it started to change in a way and maybe you start, you know, the parent wants to make that judgmental comment about what the new behaviors are of this other child. But when a parent does that, all they're doing is just shutting the door to communication. And during the tween and teen years, you want that door wide open and so your tween or teen share something with you about, you know, what they're thinking about their future or maybe they're thinking about a friend or a character on a show. Want to try and bite the tongue. Hold back. Get curious and ask, yeah, and ask, like open ended questions to get them to share more.
Laura: What does that sound like the open ended questions? It's so hard. Open ended questions are so hard. Give us some examples.
Dr. Melanie: It could be as simple as like, oh, tell me more about that, you know, that can be like a really good go to of like, huh that's interesting. Tell me more about that or, I wonder if that's something that you've ever experienced, you know, maybe they're talking about a friend and so you're asking about their own experience there, it could be, you know, asking like, is that something that you've considered for yourself or do you, how do you imagine your future to look if they're, you know, depending on what they're talking about, but it's just to get them to, you're getting curious in a way where it's not about what you think or you feel, but you're getting curious about them and you're helping them try and figure out like where these thoughts are coming from, where these feelings are coming from where they are headed. And so you wanna leave it in a way where you're not, you're not providing the answer for them.
Laura: Oh my God, Melanie, you are asking parents to do the impossible thing, right? So this what you're asking us to do is so hard. I mean, so, I mean, I know all about sitting in curiosity and openness. I know, I know all these things. But when my, you know, my kids are talking to me in, in very, you know, black and white think I, you know, I, I want to respect their privacy because I don't have permission to talk about what they're talking about. But I want to shape how they're thinking. I want to guide them. I want them to benefit from my wisdom and experience and I know I have to bite my tongue. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but it's hard. It's so hard. Do you have any suggestions for parents who are finding it difficult to just kind of bite the tongue and stay curious and not launch into kind of sharing wisdom, sharing experience attempting to influence, you know.
Dr. Melanie: Yes. And I, I hear you as you know, with that struggle, I know how challenging that can be, especially when they're sharing something that you, you know, the answer to. You can see, you know, 20 steps ahead and you know the direction they're headed and you want to intervene. But first of all, to keep in mind that it's, it's such a disservice to the child if or you want them to experience them, it themselves, you want them to go through making their own mistakes. And figuring things out because that's gonna be so much more impactful than you just telling them what to do. But if a parent is really struggling to, you know, to hold back, my go to solution is start a parent kid journal, it can just be a blank notebook that you just write back and forth to each other each day. And so you just kind of introduce it to your child, child. Like, hey, I really want us to talk more about things going on in our day. So whatever we share in this notebook, it's just kept between you and I, and you're not gonna get in trouble for what you share in this notebook. I want it to just be a way for us to talk more.
And my only, my only ask is that we each write in it once a day to each other and it could be about anything. And so then the parent will write something and like, leave it for the child and then maybe leave it under the pillow so the child can write back that day, the parent can grab it the next day and you just kind of go back and forth in it. And what I have found is that first of all, it gives parents an opportunity to process what they're reading. So, so if you hear it in the moment where you want to just like jump in now you're reading it. So it gives you that space to think about how you want to respond. But also I found that this opens up a whole new door to communication. Like, usually the first few weeks it's like kind of silly stuff that's pretty benign. But when people are consistent with it, they find that their child starts sharing more and more things that are really, really like things that they wouldn't share in person.
Laura: Love that. I really love that. I keep, I my, my kids go to a technology free school. And we have, you know, no, no phones for them. Which is a, a choice that we made for, for our family. Every family has to make that right. You know, the choice. That's right. But I do think about like how much fun it will be for my child to have the ability to text with me because it does open up a mode of communication that is less confronting than being in the emotional presence when you're delivering something. Right? So both of my kids are highly emotionally sensitive, very much attuned to, to what's going on within me and my husband. Right? And so being able to have a little bit of space, but I really love this journal option. And I mean, gosh, because then you don't have it's a technology free, you know, I mean, pens and pencils and paper, those are a form of technology like, you know, but they are, you know, much more I don't connected, you know, and there's so much research too on the benefits of pen and paper, writing and journaling. So love it. I love this idea.
Okay, so what about when we get to the point with our kids where we think that they do need some support? Right. So, if we know we've maybe got a kid who's been anxious from the get go, you know, but we're starting to recognize they need some support, but they're resistant to us, giving them that advice, giving them those ideas. What are some things that we can do and to, to help support them? You know, I know your book is written with the team in mind. I can imagine it'd be really helpful for parents to read on their own just to get kind of okay, so what is helpful to, to, to say and suggest to my team? But what are like, what are, I guess, what are some of the barriers that parents face? Like, why is it that kids are resistant to influence from us? And how can we overcome those or support them in ways that they need it?
Dr. Melanie: Yeah. You know, I think first of all, it's natural for tweens and teens and, and young adults to be resistant to the support and guidance that parents offer. You know, because they are at an age where they're really wanting to be independent from the family unit. That's just part of adolescent development. And so that means that they're not going to want to take your wonderful advice no matter how great it is or how great of a parent you are and how wonderful your relationship is. It's like, think of it as just like a primal urge. You know, they are going to separate from the family a little bit and they're wanting to, like, figure things out on their own.
Laura: Yeah, I, I really love that. You're bringing this developmental piece in. There's a, a quote from someone that lots of people follow for toddler discipline Janet Lansbury. She says it's not personal, it's developmental. When we're talking about toddler behavior, right? It's not personal, it's developmental and we just really have to keep that in mind that that's also happening in the team year. So this is, it's not personal, it's not rejection, it's developmental, right? I love that. You're saying that.
Dr. Melanie: Yes. Oh, my gosh, I've heard of her and I've never looked into her work. I've had other parents mention her. I need to look that up, but I totally want to use that phrase because that is genius. That is so true during the teen years. And I know how hard it is to not take things personally, especially teens. When, you know, when you does get to the teen years, they can be especially good at making things.
Laura: They are so they are so skilled at it. Right. They don't just, I mean, one of my kids has always, like, from the time she was like, three known just for, to stick the knife and twist it. I can imagine that skill is only going to get more deadly as she gets older.
Dr. Melanie: Yes. But to keep that in mind that it's not personal, it's developmental. And so they really are at this point where they're trying to separate themselves. So they're not going to necessarily want your guidance or questions. And if you find that your child is really struggling, like maybe they are dealing with some pretty significant anxiety or they're starting to show really low self confidence or they're struggling with friendships or whatever the case might be and you want to get them some support. I would suggest figuring out what works best for your child. Like if you know that your child is somebody who's like really creative and they tend to love the arts, like get them more involved in art classes or art clubs. So they have an outlet to express themselves or if your child has a really good relationship with a relative in the extended family, like start having them spend time together so that you're again the the teen or tween has somebody else to go to and talk to and, and then don't go and grill the extended relative, you know about, you talk about what they say like, let that relationship exist outside of you have that space or, you know, you can always reach out to the school counselor, school social worker, or you can find a, you know, a therapist, a local therapist or a brain coach to get that extra support as well because those can all be really great resources to help your, your tween or teen through these tough years. I've had so many times where, I'll, you know, talk through some things with teens and, you know, and I'll, I'll meet with the parent later and let them know a little bit about what I shared and they'll just be like, okay, good. You know, you're, you're basically saying the same thing that I'm saying. But because it's coming from you, they're actually like listening and yeah, it's not, it's not personal, that's just I'm outside of the family. And so I'm a person to listen to.
Laura: I think that there is, you know, I, my, my 11 year old has always wanted me to, to stay in the role of mom. She has never wanted me to kind of have multiple hats that I wear with her too. So I, I do feel like that comes up with lots of kids. They want you to be mom and they want someone else to be this other person who guides them in, in certain ways, you know. So she has a therapist who she adores and loves who says all the things, same things that I say, but she doesn't want to hear them from me and because she wants me to just be her mom. Yeah. That's a complicated, you know, and it not a complicated but an intense and intricate enough relationship all on its own. And I think sometimes kids and tweens, they need some, some simplicity and some departmentalization too where, you know what I mean? So, I think it's good to get those other areas of support. I feel so fortunate that both of my children have, have therapists that they really love that they feel seen and heard by that they look forward to going to and I love that they're starting early on getting that, that idea that like our mind and our heart are just things that we take care of. Just like our physical body, like our home. We do routine maintenance on all of those things. Yeah, I, I love preventative mental health care. I wish we had no access to it in this country.
Dr. Melanie: Yes. Where it doesn't have to be like a, you don't have to wait for it to be a major blow up or issue.
Laura: Exactly.
Dr. Melanie: Or, yeah, you can start, you know, building those relationships now and you've got that, that wonderful resource in place. And so then if something does, big does happen, they've already got that person. They don't have to start at ground zero or anything. But then they're also still getting, you know, I'm sure that the therapists are still, you know, integrating all kinds of life skills and intelligence skills and all those great things into the sessions just very indirectly. So, that's incredible.
Laura: Yeah. And I do think too that it's so important to find the right fit with one of my kids. We found the right fit for her immediately. And that was so nice. But that is not common, right. And so even having, you know, if your child does want to get some support, helping them understand that fit is important and you might have to try on a few different modalities of support, you know. So, I mean, we went through three or four options with my other one until she found the right, the right fit for her, you know. And I think that's a good skill to learn too, to learn how to find the right fit.
Dr. Melanie: Yes. And they're getting to know themselves in the process. They're kind of getting to know a little bit about their personality as they meet with certain people. And yeah, so that's great that they have that flexibility and that freedom too to like, oh, it's not like this is a person and you have to make it work. It's like no give it. That's what I always tell parents to and if their child is really resistant and starting then it's just like, okay, just it's up to them, you know, like let's just do a few sessions and if it works, we'll continue and if they decide it doesn't work, then we'll stop. But it puts it on them and they have that autonomy and they feel so much more empowered versus like you have to go in and meet with this person and you have to talk to them about all of the intimate details of your life, whether you like them or not, that can be a little difficult for anyone, even an adult.
Laura: Absolutely, for sure. Okay, so in your book, you talk about emotional intelligence and you talk about how there's kind of three human components and I'm kind of feeling very curious if you can talk with us about what those three components are. And maybe what we can be doing as adults to not only cultivate them within ourselves, but you know, cultivate an environment where those can flourish in our homes too.
Dr. Melanie: Yes. So emotional intelligence is essentially made of 33 different skills. So it's made of self awareness, self regulation and interpersonal skills. Because when we're emotionally intelligent, we understand how we're thinking and feeling, we're able to calm ourselves down or de-escalate ourselves when things are really intense. And then we're able to also understand what other people might be thinking and feeling. And so that's, that's how those three components kind of come together into emotional intelligence and what I have found, and it's probably, it might be a little different with your audience since they're a little, you know, a lot of their kids might be a little more, a little younger. But what I have found with teens because of social media, they follow, I mean, it's wonderful. They're following all kinds of great mental health advocates on tiktok and they're about depression anxiety and yes, I know they actually have like the, the vocabulary to talk about what's going on inside of them. And it's incredible they're getting all of this great self awareness. But then what I find is that oftentimes they're lacking in self regulation. So they're not so great at knowing what to do when they're really upset or knowing how to calm themselves down. They can recognize when they're feeling that way. But then it kind of stops there. And so for parents with younger kids, you have the opportunity to be like, okay, we're really gonna make sure not only are they building the self awareness, but we also want to make sure that they're learning how to regulate themselves, how to self soothe so that when they do enter the teen years, they've already got like really great coping tools are like in their toolbox, like they're ready for it.
Laura: Okay, and I, I just wanna acknowledge too that I think many of the adults who are, are listening to this right now recognize themselves in that too that they are spending a lot of time gaining in self-awareness, getting to know themselves, getting to know their triggers, getting to know, you know, what sets them off what that feels like in their body and are still on that leading edge of learning. Okay. So then how do I self regulate and not numb? You know, so, so much of what we do or kind of what we're taught as parents out in the respectful and, you know, gentle parenting world really looks on the surface like stuffing the oh honey, I can't let you throw toys at your brother. You know, like I'm gonna help you stop, you know, but there's not a lot of actual regulation that's happening, it's stuffing. And so I would love, I, and I know we all know how important modeling is for our kids. So like I, I'm, I would love to talk about okay, so how do we teach the stuff to our kids? But I think it's really hard to teach stuff to our kids that we don't know how to do ourselves. So I would love to talk about like, okay, so then when it comes to self regulation, how do we do that? How do we stay calm without stuffing? You know, all of those things.
Dr. Melanie: Yes. And you know, and even I see the, the version of stuffing too is a lot of times what we end up doing as adults is we use our phones to distract. So like the moment we feel uncomfortable or anxious or stressed out, we're getting it on our phones and we're scrolling and we're using that to, that's our, you know, our stuffing that. Yeah. And it's, it's not a, it's a coping strategy but it's just not a healthy one because we're not learning how to tolerate the discomfort. We're just kind of avoiding it and pushing it away. So, what we have to do as adults is, first of all, to label our feelings like that is the key. We have to be able to label what it is we're experiencing. So either I'm angry or I'm so disappointed or I'm embarrassed. I whatever it might be, we have to label that feeling and then we have to just allow ourselves to sit with it for a moment. So we're not trying to immediately distract. We're not jumping on the phone, we're letting ourselves just kind of feel the discomfort of whatever it is, the irritation, whatever that feeling is, we're allowing ourselves to, to feel it and to notice it in our body because that helps build that self awareness and then we can do something to calm down our nervous system a little bit. So depending on what the feeling is.
But my favorite tool that I always get people started with because it works across so many different emotions is just to practice mindfulness where we get ourselves in the present moment. And so whatever it is if I'm irritated, like, let's say I'm really irritated with a new puppy. So this is easy because he's wild and rowdy and sometimes it's really irritating. But I don't wanna yell at him because he's a puppy. Like he doesn't know what he's doing. And so I notice I'm irritated and I have to kind of label it. I have to take a breath in and then I focus on whatever is going on in the present moment. So if that means if I'm washing dishes while he's barking, I'm gonna focus on the temperature of the water. If there's like a smell in the air from the the soap, you know, if I'm, if there's any noise of like the dishes clattering together, I'm gonna really try and focus and get myself grounded in the present moment and it sounds so basic. But what this does is it just opens up that gap a little bit between emotion and reaction. And so when we're dysregulated, there's no gap there, we just have the emotion and we react. But when I pause, when I label my feeling, when I get mindful, I open up that space. So there's a little bit of a pause between emotion and reaction. And so now my reaction is going to be a little less severe because of that pause.
Laura: And more of a choice, right? So like that pause, that's where choice comes in, right? Where we have the power to choose our response.
Dr. Melanie: 100%. It gives us the opportunity to now be intentional. And so I notice I'm irritated I get, you know, I focus on the, the dishes and the soap and all of that stuff and now I'm like, okay, I'm going to, you know, I'm gonna pause here and I'm going to go do a little training with him to get him to stop barking or I'm gonna, you know, get them distracted with a chew toy. And so now instead of just like turning and screaming, you know, Bambi stop barking, I'm going to be more mindful in how I respond. And then what is really helpful too is if we think of how good it feels when we respond in that way because I know at the end of the day when I have responded in a way that's like more calm. I feel so much better when I'm going to bed at night versus times when maybe I snap at my husband or I snap at, you know, one of our pets. I feel awful and then I'm thinking about it when I fall asleep at night. And so sometimes I'll even think about that like I how good I'm gonna feel for managing my emotions and my responses and it's worth that extra effort.
Laura: Okay. So I feel like I'm thinking about teenagers hearing this and I'm thinking about kind of how it felt for myself and I was angry or flooded as a teenager, how good it felt in the moment to snap at whoever I was pissed off at, you know, to say the snotty thing or give the dirty look, you know, that felt good in the moment and bad later out of the moment I feel kind of curious about. Okay, so when, when our toddlers experience that they experience, you know, how good it feels to hit, you know, we can stop them because we're bigger than them and we can physically prevent it, you know, or if they call us duty head, like we don't let that land because they're three, you know. Right. But for teenagers that impulsive in the moment, kind of, cathartic kind of release. That feels good. It's hard to, I think, convince them that they will feel better if they don't, not through stopping, but through regulation. So like, what, how can we support our kids? And especially if we feel like we're on the receiving end. A lot of, a lot of their dirty looks or snappy comebacks.
Dr. Melanie: Yeah. So what's really helpful is when you catch them, when they, then when they do it, right. So when they do respond in a way that's really healthy, you wanna point that out and have them pause and like reflect on how that felt. So maybe you notice that the, the two kids, they're playing video games together and you notice that the older one gets really frustrated and says, you know, to the younger one, I can't play with you right now, I'm gonna go take a break. I'll be back in 15 minutes. And so you let him go take a break and then maybe when he comes back, you might point out to him like, wow, I noticed, you know, you got really frustrated and you decided to walk away and take a break rather than get into a fight with your brother. Like, how does that feel that you did that? How do you feel about that now? And so you get them to reflect on how good that felt in the moment because you want them to remember that you want them to really internalize that feeling. So no matter how small it is, catch them doing it, right? So you can point it out, you can give them that positive feedback, you can help them reflect on it. And then that way, you know, you can start to when, you know, maybe they haven't gotten to a point where they're doing it with like bigger things, but now you can later point that out to them of, you know, earlier today you did it with a smaller thing. So let's try and practice that tomorrow with, you know, your situations that might come up.
Laura: Yeah, I really like that. I just wanna, you know, give a note to, to the parents listening who have a, have a kid who maybe is a little bit more demand avoidance. Like my, if I were to, my 11 year old is building that skill of walking, kind of walking away, taking breaks from when she's frustrated with her sister. If I were to say those things, she would roll her eyes. She be like, oh mom, stop talking. You're so annoying, you know, like I would totally get hit with those things. So for those kiddos, I do think it's helpful to have even just like a like a like an eye contact, like like I see you like nod at them that is like less demanding because you know, like, because when we like say like, how did that feel, how did you do that, you know, didn't, you know, like that heightens things and for some kids that can kind of just send them back down the levels of their brain, right? So just even having like some things even smaller or less, you know, because, you know, some kids again who are more demand, avoidant, they can feel praise and positive feedback. Like it's a demand like, okay, so now you're expected to do that every time and they will not be able to do it every time, right? So we're ta we're building capacity. Yeah. And so I mean, it's, they might be able to do this in this small setting. They're not gonna be able to do it right away in a bigger setting. You know, in a bigger, you know, issue and that they will, maybe they can do it one time out of 10 and then maybe three times, you know, and, and they'll build capacity and so there's, I don't know, having, I think sometimes, like, even just having a sense of, like I saw that feels really good to kids.
Dr. Melanie: Yeah, 100%. And thank you for pointing that out because absolutely, it doesn't need to be a big conversation or anything. Yeah, it could be, yeah, it can be a smile. It can be a high five, you know, as they're heading out of the room. Or it could be like a quick reflection, you know, at bedtime where, you know, sharing good things from the day or something, you might just share like a little two sentence thing about what you noticed and not making it into a big deal because absolutely, that can be very overwhelming.
Laura: Yeah, I mean, some kid, I have one kid who likes the kind of the big deal and then to process how it feel and one kid who hates it, you know. And so I think sometimes for parents who maybe only have one type of kid and they get it, you know, they, they try something that's a mismatch. They, it, it's easy as a parent to take that as a hit to yourself. Like, oh, I tried this thing that Doctor Pinali said on the podcast to do and all I got was an eye roll and I must have done it wrong. And then I just, I just want parents to know that there's very little, you know, like these are all things just to try and to hold it loosely and, you know, with an open palm and.
Dr. Melanie: An experiment to see what works. Because, yeah, depending on your child's personality and even it could be, depending on the day, you know, if they had a.
Laura: Whether they had a snack.
Dr. Melanie: Yeah and so it could be, you know, it could vary where one day you try it and it's a total disaster and the next day you try it and it works out beautifully. And so sometimes it's almost like an art where you have to really read the room and you have to think of all these different cues the best you can. But to practice self-compassion.
Laura: Yes. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And, and to, and to understand too that like, I mean, gosh, these parents are brave, right? So, like Melanie, you could do this as a profession, like, you know what it's like, there are these teenagers really tough audience, right? And so there's a certain level of courage and bravery of being able to kind of wade into this without knowing how it's gonna land. You know, I, I do have just a lot of respect for, for parents and, and under like, just understanding that, like, you might not always have the energy for that too because it does take courage. It takes bravery, you know, especially with these really intense kiddos that some of us have.
Dr. Melanie: Yes. And you, as a parent might have times where, yeah, your, your battery is really low. You know, where you, you didn't sleep well or you've got a lot going on at work or in your marriage or whatever. And so you might have to decide like, okay, my, my battery is so low. I have to just keep things really simple right now because, you know, I don't have the capacity to handle, you know, the way my team tends to respond or react to some of the stuff. And so then you have to have that self compassion for yourself and know that every day you're just, you're doing the best you can with the information and the resources that you have at that moment and that's gonna change, you know, from day to day.
Laura: Yeah, I think having that posture of grace of self compassion and grace by yourself. Having that out loud as a model for your kids to see is super impactful, too. Letting them see you be imperfect and not always at your best, you know, and let, letting them just see you be imperfectly human, I think is good for them.
Dr. Melanie: It is so good for them. It is because that's what they want. They want to see you as a human. They don't want a perfect parent who knows everything and does everything beautifully 100% of the time because then that's just on a subconscious level that's setting themselves up for failure because no one can live up to that expectation. And if they see you make if they see you lose your temper and then later you come back and you're, you know, you admit on to what you did and you take accountability and responsibility for it and apologize like that is going to be very meaningful and very impactful for them because they get to see that. Okay, you know what? Mom loses her cool too sometimes. Like that's human nature. That's okay. But it's, we have to own it and we have to make things right when we do screw up.
Laura: Yeah, without punishing ourselves, right? Without berating ourselves. That balance is so important, too.
Dr. Melanie: Yes, 100%.
Laura: Okay. So, as we kind of wrap up our conversation, I do wanna make sure that our listener knows where they can find your book where they can find your work if they wanna connect with you. And perhaps get some support for their kiddos or even for themselves. Where, why don't you kind of give us all of your information? Where are you most, out in the world?
Dr. Melanie: Yes. So, well, first of all, my website, which is destinationyou.net and so that's destinationyou.net and there you'll find all my, my courses and you can contact me through my website and everything. My book is called the Emotionally Intelligent Teen and you can purchase that wherever you buy your books. And I also tend to be on Instagram quite a bit. And so I'm @doctormelaniemcnally. And so I'm always sharing mental health tips for parents and adolescents over there.
Laura: That's cool. Okay. And I do have one other like small little question before we go. So you said that you're a brain coach? And I'm very curious about what that means and what that looks like. I feel like that is the term I've seen out in the world, but I've never been able to like talk to someone and say like, what does that mean when you say you're a brain coach? So tell it like last little question, kind of a housekeeping, not housekeeping, but like, I don't know, defining things.
Dr. Melanie: Yeah. So it's a brain coach, the way I define it is, I'm helping people really understand the way their brain works and how to live up to their potential. And so with coaching, it's really focusing on, you know, building on their strengths, getting really clear on what their goals are and helping them create the road map to reach their goals. And so with your brain coaching, it's really just focused on, okay, not only are we going to set these goals and help you reach them. But I'm also going to teach you how to maximize your potential along the way. I, I used to do therapy and, I had a private practice in the suburbs of Chicago and I did that for quite a while and I was getting a little, I was starting to get a little burnt out because working with teens, I wanted more, I wanted more access to my teens. I didn't want to just see them once a week. I wanted to be able to, you know, text with them. I wanted to send them, you know, books that they should read or a podcast that they should listen to. And you can't necessarily do that in therapy. And so with coaching, I can, we can text each other back and forth.
And so if they have a presentation that day at school and they're really anxious, they can text me and I can tell them really quick, you know, some breathing exercises or I can send them a voice note. And so we don't have to wait that full week to be able to overcome an obstacle. We can do it right there in the moment. And then also with therapy, I couldn't necessarily share as much with the parents as I wanted to and tweens and teens don't exist in a vacuum. The parents really need to be involved. And so with coaching, that's kind of part of the experience is that parents are gonna know not all the details but they're gonna know what we're working on and I'm going to give them some tips and tools to support you along the way. And so then that way we're really making sure that we're, we're making the progress that we're seeking.
Laura: I love that. I, I, you know, I, I wasn't aiming to talk about this, but I really love the coaching model. I love working within the coaching model. I was a practicing therapist for six years as well. And I'm, I far prefer the, the role I can take it as a coach versus as a therapist. So thank you for talking about that with us a little bit. I think that oftentimes the person outside of the field is a little unclear on what the differences are. And that was, I think really helpful, especially as people seek to get support for their kids or themselves. Thank you.
Dr. Melanie: Yes, definitely. You're welcome.
Laura: Okay. All right. Well, Doctor Melanie McNally, it was so lovely to connect with you. I really appreciate what you're putting out into the world for our teens and for those of us freezing them. So, thank you so much.
Melanie: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!