Episode 162: Welcome Back: Navigating Challenges, Finding Purpose
/In this episode of The Balanced Parent, your host returns from a summer sabbatical to share a deeply personal journey. During the past year my family and I faced some significant challenges, including a health crisis for me and an autism diagnosis for my daughter, which required respecting her privacy and temporarily stepping back from the podcast. It has been (and continues to be) a journey of personal growth, resilience, and deep self-discovery. During this time, maintaining authenticity on the podcast became a significant struggle, as my family's difficulties were intensely private. Hence, I took a break from work and social media.
And so now that we are back, I will be sharing with you:
My family’s challenging journey and highlighting the importance of resilience and emotional growth during difficult times
The significance of vulnerability and authenticity in parenting
Valuable lessons on how to use social media mindfully
New directions for the podcast moving forward
Thank you for joining me on this deeply personal episode! I look forward to sharing more valuable insights and connections with you in the episodes to come.
If you have a question or topic you'd like me to address on the show, you can send me a voice memo here or submit it in writing via Google Forms. Feel free to ask questions or even offer feedback you don't feel comfortable sharing publicly on review pages.
Book Recommendation:
All Cats Are on the Autism Spectrum by Kathy Hoopmann
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello. Hello. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and the Balanced Parent Podcast is back. I so appreciate your patience and compassion during the break that I had over the summer. And I want to be able to spend this welcome back episode kind of explaining a little bit about where I went and why, and some changes that are coming up in the podcast. So I'm going to be talking a little bit about my personal journey through some really challenging times in my family, both with my health and with one of my kiddos. I think it's really important that we embrace vulnerability, that I model that for you. I couldn't do it over this past year because I was too close to it. We were still in it and I really needed to protect my child's privacy, but now that we are mostly on the other side and figuring out our new normal. Um and she's ok with it. I can share a little bit about what's been going on with her family. I'm also going to be making some changes to the podcast because during my break, I noticed that there were parts of my job that I really, really loved and parts that were not so good for me and not necessarily serving you the best either. And so I'm going to be making some changes again. I want to say thank you so much for your support, your kind messages that I got over the summer, especially when I announced my break and your patience as I figured out how to come back in a way that felt really aligned and authentic. Okay so let's just jump right in.
I decided to take a break over the summer for a couple of reasons when my kids just requested that I not work and I have the immense privilege to be able to do that. Uh, so I kept my membership going, but I didn't take any one on one clients. I didn't record any podcast episodes. Um, I really just focused on them and they didn't want to go to any summer camps. And so we just had a summer at home together and that was really, really good for us both as a family. And for me, it allowed me some time to reflect on why I started this podcast in the first place. What do you see my purpose being in the work that I'm doing as a parenting coach and educator? I really appreciated that opportunity just to share a very high level look into what was going on for my family last summer at the end of summer. So, August of 2022 I started having some pretty significant health difficulties, some hormone issues and pretty severe anemia that really limited my energy and my ability to function on a daily basis. At the same time, my oldest child started going through a really difficult period in her own life and of course, that has ripple effects throughout the whole family during that time, my child was not in a place to consent to me talking about what was going on for us. And I really struggled with having the podcast last year because I felt like I couldn't be honest with you all. I felt like I was hiding a part of myself.
You know, our kids are having their own lived experience and if they're vulnerable, they're young and they're not able to consent really because they're minors. I think it's so important to protect their privacy and their process. And at the same time as, you know, we're parents who are human beings having our own lived experience. And while my child was struggling, it was a struggle for me and my own well-being in the midst of going through a health crisis, it put a lot of strain on my relationship with my partner. We ended up coming through that time beautifully together as a teen. It put a strain on my other child’s well-being too. It was just a really hard time for our family as a whole and it was really difficult to not be able to talk about it with you. And I really felt strongly that I couldn't because I needed to respect my child's privacy and process and then to kind of put on this, you know, keep putting out episodes where it felt like I wasn't being real or authentic with you. But I spent a lot of time last year with Imposter Syndrome and feeling like a fraud like who was I to be able, you know, be giving advice or support. When my own family was struggling so much over the summer, I was really able to process that a lot. And
I came to understand that one that this experience has been really good for my ability to tap into compassion and empathy and understanding and heightened my ability to meet families where they are, especially when they're in the midst of the hardest times. You know, lots of the families that come to me, they, I meet them at their low points. I meet them uh at the point where they're struggling the most. And so having kind of moving to being on the other side of that, now I'm able to see what an honor it is um that a family allows me to walk alongside them in those moments. And the fact that I've had my own personal struggles, I think has the potential to, to be even more helpful and more impactful. I also think that, you know, really the people who come to me and come to this podcast, I don't think you're looking for perfection. I think you're looking for a real human being who makes lots of mistakes who has lots of work to do. And so I hope that kind of as we go forward, I can mindfully release some of that pressure to appear like I've got it all together and be even more authentic with you. I hope I've always done that during this past year, I felt like I wasn't really able to be fully authentic and fully myself just because I needed to protect my child's privacy. And I'm sure you all understand that as respectful parents, how deeply we want to respect our children's personhood.
Gosh. Well, I can process the Imposter Syndrome and the kind of internal struggle of feeling like a fraud during this time that I've had, you know, that I've gone through on another podcast if that's of interest for you. But just know that I'm kind of out on the other side, really feeling comfortable with this idea that here in this space, I am not going to present some perfect parenting ideal for you to try to emulate. There are other sources of inspiration, other podcasts that can give you that if that's what you're looking for. I totally understand that like wanting to see the kind of the, the beauty and what it could look like. But, I also truly believe that sometimes that fantasy can steal some of the joy and some of the real, like the, the raw beauty of the reality of our lived experiences as humans. And so, I guess I just wanna want to position myself not just as someone who, you know. \
Yes, I have the PhD, I have the research I felt have the studying, but I also have this, this real lived experience of going, you know, through not just this challenging time, plenty of challenging times with both of my intensely sensitive, beautiful wild individual autonomy seeking children. And I just want to be real with you, I guess. So, one of the biggest takeaways that I had over the past year is really coming to deeply understand that what's going on for my child. Their outward behavior, they're sometimes hard to understand the behavior or hurtful behavior is not tied to my worth as a person or my value as a parent. Yes, as conscious parents, our job is to focus on ourselves, on what's going on for ourselves, the work that we have to do. But I think, sometimes in that message, we can hear that it's our fault if things are going poorly for our kid, that if our kid is having their own struggles and difficulties that it's our fault that we caused it. And this past year has been a very deep and painful opportunity for me to learn how to disconnect those two that my children are having their own lived experience. That there are things that are in their genetics, in their neurobiology that are going to be there regardless of, of me. And that I can be trying my best. I can be committed and dedicated to learning my kid, learning how to meet them where they are. And I'm gonna make mistakes with that. And that doesn't make me a bad parent. And it also doesn't make me unworthy of compassion and dignity and respectful treatment.
So, that was a very painful lesson to learn over the past year. It's when I thought I knew, you know, it's one I definitely have taught to other families. Um, but sometimes there's, you know, there's a difference between knowing it and knowing it. And so, that has been something that I've had to use as a balm for myself, a self-compassionate way of looking at the struggles that we're having as a family and not letting them be tied to my worth as a person and my value as a parent. And I just, I think that we probably all need to hear that from time to time and remember it. Yes, of course, we have a duty as parents to take a look at ourselves, take a look at our own behaviors to attempt to do no harm. And there will also be things that land on our kids in ways that we never intended that hurt them or impact them in certain ways. And then it's our opportunity to be humble and to learn while still being kind with ourselves. I think that that's the biggest thing I learned over this past year. Yeah. Lots of self kindness, lots of understanding that uh, my worth as a person isn't necessarily tied to other people's behaviors. And I have very little control over certain things, certain aspects of what happens in my family and learning to, to let go of some of that control, letting go of the the image, you know, that ideal image that you, we all want to project at times. And I think a significant part of learning that lesson has been really stepping away from social media.
So in the three month break that I took from the podcast, I also took a three month break from social media for the most part, there's a number of reasons for that. But I was definitely, during this difficult period in my life, I started using it in ways that were not productive or helpful or healthy. Um, it was definitely a form of escapism. And I realized that I, you know, I used to be able to engage in social media just as an educator. I was starting to use it more as an escape and as it became a comparison trap, you know, and I found myself really getting, having a hard time setting boundaries for myself and understanding that I was comparing kind of my backstage story with other people's highlight reels. And, you know, again, this is one of those things that we all know this, but we can also all slip into it because we're human beings. And that's how those platforms are designed to function. You know, they're designed to, you know, take advantage of our psychology and pull us in and keep us on them. And sometimes they do that by encouraging us to engage in ways that aren't helpful. Um, so I took a break and I have really kind of figured out some options for myself for how to get back in, in ways that felt good to me and aligned for me. Uh, so I am gonna be using social media moving forward to do some educating.
But, the primary places I think we're going to be interacting is in this podcast and in my email uh in my membership, uh I have some changes in mind for the membership coming up if you've thought about joining and you just haven't, for whatever reason, I would love to know what's keeping you from joining us in there, whether it needs to be more financially accessible, if you would rather have more one on one time versus in a group setting. I realized over the summer that I really love the community that I have in there. I love this community as well. This the community and the membership is like, like this just on a smaller, more intimate scale. And we get to have all these amazing discussions, we support each other and where I get to be kind of in my zone of a genius where I get to really support folks. Um, I've also decided that I want to make the podcast a little bit more like that. So, I think at the beginning of this podcast, my intention was for it to primarily be me answering your questions and supporting you and somewhere along the way, you know, once you start a podcast, public relations firms, just start pitching you guests and gosh, some of them are so exciting and I, and I wanted to talk to them like Dr. Shefali, you know, just so many great names and helpful, beautiful people we've been able to have on this show that all of a sudden all my episodes were interviews and I am going to step back from that be a little bit more choosy in the interviews that I take on. Um, I really think about what you need in terms of support. I can't be an expert on everything. I don't want to be an expert on, on everything. Um, so I do want to be able to have some other experts come in so and so I can introduce you to them and so that you can get the support that you need from them. But I also want to spend more time with you, and with your questions.
So, in the show notes for this episode, there is a link where you can go and submit a question. There's also a link where you can go and record a question so I can play your voice. You can introduce yourself um, the ages of your kids and your question.You can do that anonymously. You can use your name if you want to, you can, you know, submit questions simply by emailing me to if that's easier for you. Uh, but I would really love to spend some time supporting you. I got my own support during this past year and it just reaffirmed for me how incredibly valuable it is to have someone walking alongside you in difficult times. So I guess, okay, let me just make sure that I'm staying on track and we're covering what I wanted to cover. Okay. So, we're kind of talking about social media usage. I did have like just a few little takeaways that I wanted to share with you. If you've ever been feeling like you can't fully monitor yourself or set boundaries with yourself around social media. So, I have found it really helpful as I'm toying with the idea of getting back into social media since I'm using it for work. I don't, I'm not planning to put those apps back on my phone. I'm gonna use them on my computer and that works for me. I will, you know, if I'm going to do an Instagram live, I will have to put the app on temporarily, I'll put do the live and then I'll take it off. But setting clear boundaries for yourself and limits for yourself can be really helpful. And it's one thing to have like a boundary set in your mind versus using the screen time functions on your phone to set those boundaries for you. Um, and then adhering to them. I've also found it really helpful to have set times where I lose my phone, where the phone gets put somewhere and I leave it alone. Um, that was really helpful for me and my husband and I are going to continue to do that.
Um, as you know, the school year is getting started. We've been noticing that we've both been a little bit checked out. As I've returned to work. I'm teaching classes at my local University parenting classes. I run an infant play group in person for those who are local to Madison. And so I've, I've been ramping up some of my work. I've been traveling to speak at conferences. Um, my husband is, this is his teaching semester. He's an accounting professor. Um, and we've been just noticing that we are kind of checked out at home during that time period after school and before dinner. So we've decided that when we get home, we're going to put our phones away and they're not coming back out until after the kids are kind of tucked in. That's our plan for phones. And I think the biggest takeaway for me in this is that it's so important to prioritize real-life connections and in person interactions. I was at a conference where I was, you know, I was speaking at it, but I also got to attend some sessions and one person was there from a Stanford research lab that had, they were talking about some of the, the positives and benefits for social media use. So, the research indicates that up to an hour of social media use a day can be positive. And then after that hour, there's really only negatives, it goes downhill from there.
So that's, and that's something that's across age groups too, which is really interesting to hear, to think about for our teens too. Um, so, uh, if you're using social media, limit yourself to that hour, 45 minutes or so, I also think it's really important. She, this researcher was talking about one of their findings that if you are focusing on connection and connection being super important for the kind of the human soul and for our mental health and well-being. Uh, that phone conversations and facetime, it positively impacts our sense of connection and well-being. But, text messaging does not have the same positive effect. So just texting your friend is not nearly so good as connecting with them verbally. So, I use voer for um verbal connections or even just sending voice memos. But, they really did emphasize too that the real time conversations are even better. So I know that right now it is not like the, the culture to call people on the phone, but having a group of people that you want to stay connected with and feel really, really close to that you can call and actually get on the phone with it.
So, the research says it's so much more satisfying to our human brains and our sense of connection and well-being. So I thought, I thought that was really interesting. I also think it's really important that you be mindful of the content that you're consuming and its impact on how you're feeling. So that was the, the decision behind my break that I took. Um, because I had started consuming stuff that just was not making me feel good about myself or my mind, it was supposed to be helpful, but it just wasn't. Um, so being really mindful curating your feed going through your follow, you know, who you're following and taking out people or blocking people so that they don't show up on your feed if they are really sucking your negative energy or sucking your energy or having a negative impact on you. I also think it's really great to practice digital detoxes regularly. The person I was speaking to from the Stanford, I forget the name of her lab, but she specifically studies social media usage and well-being. She suggested instead of doing big detoxes like I just was doing to do many detoxes where for a certain period of time, each day, you have an hour or two that are, you know, where the social media is completely off limits to you. And I just felt I felt really interesting, you know, that I always recommend micro dosing with self compassion. I mean, I like the kind of similar or micro dosing uh digital detox approach. I think that that's it. I think those, those were the takeaways that I had from my experience. And so I'd love to know if they were helpful for you.
Okay. So I think I, the last thing I did want to just share with you is so, part of the process that we have gone through this past year, uh is figuring out that my child, my oldest daughter is autistic. As I've mentioned before, has been incredibly important as we are going through that hard time that I respect her privacy. She felt very strongly about that. And so did I, and I honestly don't know that she, was in a place where she could consent even if she did say it was okay because it was such a hard time. We went through the diagnosis process with the neuropsych eval over um, kind of in early summer and after that happened and she was able to kind of process it with her therapist. She said she was really excited for me to be able to talk about it with you because she thought that that might be really helpful for other families who might be going through something similar, who might be nervous to go through the diagnosis process. Um, nervous about what it might mean to get a label or get a diagnosis and how much it's positively impacted our life. She thought that that would share, sharing it would potentially help other people get the help that they need. We have had a wonderful experience in um, connecting with her autistic identity.
We um, at the recommendation of the person who did the diagnosis, she recommended this book called All Cats Are on the Spectrum. We'll put a link in the show notes and it's basically just beautiful pictures of adorable cats. Attributing common characteristics and traits of neuro diverse and autistic people to the cats. This worked really well for my child because cats are one of her special interest areas. She could talk to you about cats and warrior cats, the book series, um specifically for hours on end. And so finding that book that was beautifully kind of autism affirming and related to cats was really good for her. She's really stepped into her, her autistic identity. Uh, it helps us as a family understand um when things are difficult. I'm so grateful that she's willing to share this part of, of her with this broader community. Um, I know that,that was something that she thought about for a while but was ultimately really excited about. And it was certainly not a request I made of her and that was something that she came to me and wanted me to share, which I think is super cool. I do want to just, you know, make sure that we're clear that when I do talk about her diagnosis or her autism, that I will not be focusing on her struggles. There are so many beautiful aspects to her neurodiversity. I will primarily be focusing on my experience and my own growth.
The thing is I've needed to learn the new skills and flexibility that I've needed to take on in viewing, viewing her more clearly through this new lens. My own kind of internalized ableism that I've had to deconstruct in kind of going through this process, just like in, you know, in the Ross Green um, collaborative and proactive solutions problem solving method that I teach and do with clients and with my own family. In that process, you don't have to outline all of the problem behavior that your child has. The kid knows about it. Um, the word difficulty covers it. You've been having difficulty, you know, putting your shoes on in the morning before school covers the throwing of the school shoes, um the yelling and the name calling, you don't have to list all of those things. Um similarly, I will not be focusing on any specifics of challenging behavior. I will instead be focusing on, on growth. No one wants their most vulnerable, worst moments shared with the world, not from a place of wanting to project perfection, an image of perfection, but just from a respect for humanity and privacy.
So I will, but I will happily discuss things that have been really helpful for us as a family. The things that have made it better, how I've worked for advocating for her, teaching her to advocate for herself, for her needs to be met, helping us all understand how beautiful the diversity of brains are and how important it is to consider, you know, where each person is and meet them there. I'm also happy to discuss the things you know, that have been hard for my other child during this really challenging time for the siblings of kids who are going through a hard time. Those siblings can often be kind of put on the back burner or have their own difficulties associated with it. And that certainly was true in our case, my youngest is doing wonderfully now. She has her own therapist. I'm happy again to discuss how we went about finding the right therapists for our kids and um that can meet them where they are. I will discuss all of those kind of those helpful things with you if you need it and just know that the, the hard stuff is there continues to be there. But we don't need to get into the nitty gritty details of it to get into the nitty gritty details of how we're moving forward and how we're supporting herself and how we're supporting ourselves as we learn to create a new normal for ourselves. Um and, and adjust what we thought were really radically respectful practices that it turns out we're still constraining for my child and deconstructing that and being open to new ideas, new ways of being as a family um that are more affirming for everybody's experience in the family.
So again, I will be happy to share all of those things and I feel so grateful that my child is willing to, to allow us the opportunity. Um, but I will be continuing to check in with her and be respectful of her, her lived experience. So again, my I'm going to be focusing on the parents' perspective on this. I'm not going to speak for her. I'm not going to share her story. I'll only really be sharing mine if that makes sense. Um, there will maybe come a time when she does want to share that and, and maybe there won't and we'll kind of cross that bridge when we come to it. Okay so we discussed some podcast format changes that are coming up too. So again, I would love to hear questions from you. Um, I would love to make this podcast exactly what you need. You know, I think parents are, I mean, gosh, I love working with parents. I think that they need so much more support than we get in this culture, in this environment that we're in right now. And so I really want to make this an opportunity for you to get the support that you need. And obviously, I can't, you know, I can't do personal one on one coaching with everybody in the, in our podcast community. There's, there's not enough of me to go around. Um, but I do hope that this more this new format with more solo episodes, episodes where you're asking questions, either by submitting them on a form or submitting them um using a voice recording will allow us to have a deeper connection, a deeper sense of being with each other. I also want to do some live recordings.
So, I am exploring some of the guests that I'm having on, um perhaps being willing to do their interviews live with my membership community, so that my members can ask them questions as well. So I'm hoping to do some more live opportunities with guests in my membership community. And then I'm also planning to do some live, live recorded podcast episodes on topics with your questions. Um both as Instagram lives and on Facebook lives in my parenting community, the balanced parent community on Facebook. So there, there will be more opportunities for you to kind of connect with me and get the support that you need. And hopefully this podcast will become like a just a beautiful community where we can support each other. And I hope that my goal really when you, is that when you need support, you need help, you need encouragement, or maybe even a wake up call to that you'd come, come here and you'd put your headphones on and you'd listen in while you were folding laundry or going for a walk or having coffee and you'd come away feeling connected and supported. And so I know that I felt that way over the past year. And, you know, I, I've been as honest as I could be with you about the struggles that my family was going to. And every time I've communicated that with you, the outpouring of support, the emails, the, you know, way more than I could ever respond to have just been beautiful. And I'm so grateful for, for this community that you have a big part in building with me.
I want to thank you for providing a space where we can be authentic and vulnerable uh in our parenting together where I'm able to be imperfectly myself with you. So I really appreciate that opportunity. Um, and that, that you're here for it uh that we, we know none of us are perfect. We're all learning, we all have work to do and growth um to embrace and that we don't have to do that alone. It's a really, it's a really beautiful thing. So I really appreciate it so much. You know, I would love to hear from you too if you've been on your own journey of struggle. Um, if you've gone through really challenging periods or maybe you're in the midst of one now, I hope that you'll, you'll reach out and let me know about that. And I, I just really appreciate you being a part of this community. Uh, so again, reach out, email me, um submit uh questions on the form or audio questions on the voice memo uh link in the show notes, join my balanced parenting community. Just know, that you are not alone. It's very easy for us parenting professionals to project this sense of, you know, we know all of the answers and we're doing it all right. And I hope that this episode has given you a very real look into um the human struggles that are kind of on the other side of your screen or on your phone that we go through hard times, just like you. Um, we're figuring this out as we go just like you. The real thing is that we really need each other. We really need to do this together. We're not meant to do this alone. And I'm so grateful that um I get to do this with you.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.
All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!