Episode 161: Getting in Touch with the Authentic Self through Mindfulness with Kelly Smith
/In this episode, we are joined by Kelly Smith, a yoga and meditation teacher and founder of Yoga For You. Kelly shares her insights into how mindfulness and yoga can help us connect with our authentic selves and cultivate inner joy and power. She encourages us to find our own personal practice, listen to our bodies, and access our most authentic selves.
Key takeaways:
1-minute practices to do at home to bring some calm back into our lives
Subtle changes we can expect when we regularly practice mindfulness
Yoga Nidra: What it is and how it can help you when overwhelmed as a parent
By cultivating regular mindfulness practice, we can develop greater self-awareness, emotional resilience, and inner peace. We hope this episode inspires you to explore mindfulness and discover your own path to your most authentic self.
If you enjoyed listening to Kelly's insights into mindfulness and yoga, I encourage you to follow her and learn more about her work. You can visit her website at www.yogaforyouonline.com and listen to her podcast, Mindful In Minutes Meditation.
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts, and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of the Balance Camp podcast. We're going to be talking about how we can get in touch with our authentic selves in order to bring more ease into our lives and into parenting specifically and how we can use meditation and mind mindfulness as a tool to reconnect with that authentic self. To help me with this conversation, I have Kelly Smith, a yoga instructor and mindfulness teacher who is just delightful and I'm so excited to talk about this topic with Kelly. Welcome to the show. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, who you are and what you do?
Kelly: Okay. Hi, everyone. I'm Kelly. I am a yoga and meditation teacher, also a fellow podcaster. I've been doing this for about 10 years or so and my sweet spot is creating these short powerful guided meditations that people can use and weave into their everyday life to kind of find mindfulness in minutes. I have a show called Mindful In Minutes, which is all guided meditations or pretty much anyone and anything. And then I have a show called Meditation Mama, which is prenatal, postnatal and fertility meditations. If you find yourself in that specific portion of motherhood and guided meditations to support that. And I love to help people connect with their true self or their authentic self, their soul, whatever word you like to insert into that you can do that. I like to help people kind of take that journey to reconnect with their most authentic self and find the inner joy that I believe resides within all of us.
Laura: Yeah. You know, before we started recording, you were saying about how, when we watch our kids, it's just so clear when they're little, how delightfully and wonderfully they are just fully themselves. No hang ups, no holding back. And then the world gets a hold of us and somewhere along the way, we start to let go and we lose that. Why, why does that happen?
Kelly: I think that happens for so many different reasons. I think life is hard in general. I think there's so many ups and downs. I think that society tries to mold and shape us and do these different things. There's also going to naturally be this self discovery process. Like unless you're this like deeply awakened little child that's just so connected to like your soul and you never let go of that. I think of the process of growing and evolving and aging is this kind of ebb and flow of like, who am I? What does authentically me? What aligns with me? What do I like? What do I not like? And through that journey, we can have a tendency to either veer closer to who we really are or have a tendency as I think most of us do to kind of veer away from that because we just aren't given the tools and we aren't really taught either how to parent in this way or how to live in this way of like, how do you connect with you and stay in alignment with that indefinitely?
Laura: Yeah. You know, as you were talking, I had this vision in my mind of, a scene from the movie Moana. Have you seen that movie? Yes, I've seen that. There's this moment where Moan I think is, I, I don't know, talking to her grandmother's spirit and she asks who am I? And then she has an answer. She knows who she is. And I, the first time I watched that movie, I think my girls were probably two and four and I just bald. It just, I mean, just tears because I had, I don't know that I have ever really had that sense of surety in knowing who I am. And I know I'm not alone for that. I think parenting has really helped me find myself in a way and be brave in finding myself.
As I see my girls assert who they are, you know, and I, I listen to them. I learn how to curiously kind of learn who they are. I've been able to turn that curiosity on myself, but you're right. I never had the support to do that as a child. Growing up, it was all about pleasing, succeeding, getting the accolades and all of those, the achievements. And I just felt a lot of the boxes, checking the boxes do the things in the right way at the right time. Yeah. I feel like I'm farther along than I was a few years ago when I was crying watching Moana. But I mean, I still cry when I watch Moana because it's just such a beautiful movie. But you know what?
Kelly: I still cry at the Lion King. It happens.
Laura: I mean, I see movies that get to you.
Kelly: They do and they're designed to, they're meant to, right? And they hit a little part of ourselves where we have a vulnerability and it's good to, to know where those things are, right? You know.
Laura: But I guess the question is so sometimes part of me wonders are we ever just one thing or one person or are we this beautiful complex being that will change and grow as we age? And so then there's just this continual process of inquiry and discovery and curiosity. What, what do you think about that? Are, are, is there a fixed sense of who we are?
Kelly: This is like the greatest question ever, Laura, we need to like have a glass of wine sometime one of my favorite things to do and you know, not everyone's up for these but to just like ask questions like this that maybe don't have an answer and contemplate it. Probably something that, you know, led me to becoming a meditation teacher. But I love these types of questions because one, I don't know I have certain like suspicions, having, you know, done this, this journey myself or working on this journey myself and then helping to facilitate it or give tools for others toolbox as they take the journey, I have some suspicions.
But I think some of these things, maybe there is no right answer or we're not meant to know the answer which I love. But for me, what my suspicions are is that we are born and, you know, I always say, you know, insert whatever word you're most comfortable with, you know, but for me, I always think of it as like we're born with this like essence that it's almost like, you know, is it nature or is it nurture? Right? Like I think there's a piece of us where like, you know, I think about my son who I just referred to as pork chop and like he is now two and he's like nuts and he's just busy. And I remember even when he was like, in my stomach, there'd be like strangers and target that would like, point at my like convulsing belly being like, oh, that's a busy boy in there and like they were right. Even from like pregnancy, there were elements that I felt like. Did you feel that with any of your girls? Oh my God. When you're pregnant, you like get to know their little personalities.
Laura: Both of them for sure. And one of them was 10 days late and even now to this day, she's almost eight. The minute you try to rush her to do anything that she's not ready for, she's digging her heels and there is no way she's cut. You know, there's no way she's doing it before she's doing well ready.
Kelly: Yes. And yes, mine was also very late. He just does it at his pace and I think there's a piece of us where it's just, it is who we are. We are. But I think we also are kind of these very like malleable people. So I think it's a little bit of both. Like there are parts of us that it's just like we naturally are people. We have these personalities, we have these preferences. That's something I see a lot in my toddler. Like there's no reason for him to have certain preferences for different things or activities or anything really. But yet he has them. And also through life, there will be new things that he'll acquire, there'll be new things that he'll learn, there'll be new things that he learns he doesn't like. And, and I think like going back to what you were saying, Laura a little bit ago about, you know, kind of starting this journey or having it really be springboard from parenthood. I can only speak to my experience as like a woman. And I really think at least from my experience as women, you know, and I, you know, I'm not sure how old you are, Laura. I'm in my thirties. And so being like a young girl in the nineties, like we were just taught, like, be nice, be pleasant, be, you know, agreeable, be quote good. Like, what is that? You know, what does that mean?
And I didn't really start my kind of return to self journey until I decided to kind of do the, I don't know, not very nice or approvable decision of quitting my quote real job and turning yoga and meditation into a business over a decade ago, which many people didn't approve of. They thought that was like a ridiculous thing. And one of the fastest ways to go on a true self journey is to do something that no one else around you approves of, but it feels right in alignment with you and that really kind of kicked off then, you know, my journey. And so I think to go back to your question like it's both, yeah, like the pro it's both were born at this thing and, you know, it's so cliche but it's like it's the journey, not the destination, right? Like it's, it's both.
Laura: Yeah, you know, I think that there's a part of me that really likes the security and the like checking off of boxes and fitting things into nice little packages and tying it with the bow. And so there's parts of me that would feel is like, can I just know who I am now? Might just be done. Can we be done growing done? Can I just be me? You know, and then there's this other part that is just how delightful it is that we're not stagnant, how wonderful and beautiful it is that, that life will continue to shape us as we grow, that we never are done. I think it's natural to have a little bit of that push and pull it within you.
Kelly: I think so. And, and, you know, I think that as we have different life experiences in particular and, you know, big life changes, a career change, becoming a parent, any kind of big a loss in your life like that changes you and molds you in a way that, you know, you had never had that experience before. So how can you be that person that you become when you're a parent or after you've suffered a loss or whatever it is, you haven't lived that experience before.
And so it's almost like I think our core essence is sort of fixed, but then all of the smaller things like our preferences, our beliefs, things like that, those can change and be fluid over time. But for me, the work that I do, what I love about true self work is that it's almost like having an open line of communication so you can kind of always be checking back. So it's like, ok, you know, how does this thing feel and then you can check in with the true self being like, is this an alignment with me? Yes or no. And it's kind of just having this like internal compass that helps to keep you on the right path, but it's not like full blown like GPS.
Laura: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I, I have a couple of questions about this because I feel like, you know, we, we almost like got to the topic of meditation and mindfulness and I think that it sounds like that is a very good way to start practicing that. But that ability of checking within yourself is this in an alignment? I can guarantee that there's lots of people who are listening right now who don't even know how to do that or what that feels like. And it's not their fault because especially most of the people who are listening or identify as women and we are brought up in this world from the time we're very young to stop listening to our intuition to turn that inner voice off so that we can conform. And I, I feel really strongly that we have to be radically kind and loving to ourselves as we realize like that line of communication that you were just talking about for many of us has been cut off for years. And so it makes sense that we don't even know how to do it. But so if we're in that place of, let's just say, you know, if someone listening is right there in that place. Doesn't even know. How do they start first place to start?
Kelly: I always describe it as like, it sounds silly to say, like, date yourself. You think about, it's like you're not going to go on a first, maybe someone has, I'm not gonna go on a first date and you're not gonna instantly like, spill your guts and be like, tell everything about you, you know, tell me all of your secrets. Let's get married. Let's be in this together for forever, right? You start really slow and you get to know yourself almost as if you're going on a first date. Like it might feel a little superficial at first, but it's kind of just like a vibe check where it's like, hey, do you like this or do you like that?
And you can start super simple, like you can, you know, go to, you're trying to decide what you're gonna make for lunch, go to the refrigerator, open it up, look in there and just be like, what, what would you like? Like, what would feel good and nourishing to you today? And the tricky part here is don't second guess it if your body is like, oh the tacos from last night. So, you know, that sounds really good to me then just be like, ok and then make that and eat it. It might feel superficial at first, but it's kind of like you're gonna go on that first date and let's just start, you know, what colors do you like?
You know, what do you, what kind of, you know, podcast do you listen to? Kind of like this really simple getting to know you and then over time as you continue to do that, then you can start getting to the deeper stuff, then you can start asking these questions, you know, like, well, who are you really? You can start kind of shining some light on the shadows, but you have to start with just a really simple, like almost surface level, get to know you. And I think about it, it's like go on those first few dates with yourself.
Laura: Okay? I love that. I really like the practice of like simmering and pleasure. So finding things that are are pleasing to you. I know that we use the word pleasure in a way that I, you know, just to mean one thing. But I don't mean it that way. I mean, the the pleasurable feeling of a warm like cup of coffee in your hand or the sun on your face. If you walk outside and it's winter, it's we're both in the northern Midwest. The sun is shining today and I'm just, I've been standing outside just like letting the sun hit my face for a little while. You know, that type of that type of pleasure or the pleasure of listening to the birds singing because it's spring again. You know, that type of thing and just simmering in, it has been really helpful for me and getting to know what I like kind of dropping into that present moment, being fully there with my own enjoyment. I feel like it, like perks up a little part of me. That's like, oh, hey, we do get to like things, you know. Oh, hey, we like, we're here, you know.
Kelly: Oh, I love that. I love that so much. Someone introduced me to the term the other day, divine laziness.
Laura: But I like it already. Oh my God.
Kelly: It just stuck with me. And it's this guy, I do like retreats and stuff and he's, he owns this like yoga retreat center in Peru. It's her name. His name is Fernando. He's quite a character. But this idea of like divine laziness and he'll like, work it into the schedule where you'll have like an hour or two and I'll just say divine laziness. And what that means is like, treat it like it's just a sacred time to just, you know, kind of do quote nothing which might still be something but just kind of like, you know, revel in the enjoyment of the laziness. And I've been thinking a lot about that.
Laura: I love that. Lovely. It is. And I, I also think that like when you're talking about just, you know, letting the sun kind of shine down on you and be like, oh, this is so nice. Like this is so pleasurable. I enjoy this. Like those are the simple little things where you're just like, you know, I like this and yeah, and then you're getting to know yourself a little bit more in that tiny little moment. Absolutely. I love that. Okay. So then when we are ready for more, tell me a little bit about how mindfulness and meditation can help. And, you know, let's make it super easy because those things can be really intimidating for a lot of folks.
Kelly: It can be really intimidating. And the first thing that I want to say it is another thing I feel passionately about it is so much simpler. Although simple doesn't always mean necessarily like easy. It is so much less complex than you think it is. If you're someone who's never meditated before or you've never really incorporated mindfulness and there are two different practices, I'll talk about why they're different, but they're both really great. It is way it is just, it's really not a big deal.
Laura: I agree. You know, Kelly, this is one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on the show because you talk about like even one minute, you know, and when I, when I teach mindfulness and meditation within my programs, I'm always like 30 seconds, start at 30 seconds just right there. You know.
Kelly: Because it's not a big deal.
Laura: No, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s the way of life, way of being rather than something you do. I think people think it's sitting down on a cushion for 20 minutes and that can be, I think that's accessible for some of us, but it certainly doesn't have to be.
Kelly: Yeah. And I think that's such a great place to, you know, start, there's kind of two different places. So touching on the difference between mindfulness and meditation, I like to talk about this as your mind is a light bulb. So when we're walking around every day, going for a walk, having a conversation with a friend, maybe like, you know, running errands our mind, the light bulb is on, the light is on, it's shining in all directions. When we meditate, we're trying to take that light bulb and we turn it into a laser pointer. So we take all of that mental energy, all of that light and we just focus it on one single thing.
So meditation is just single pointed concentration. That could be your breath. It could be, how is my body feeling today? It can be the words of a guide, listening to a guided meditation, but focusing all of our mental power on one thing or on the flip side, kind of meditation's cousin, mindfulness is taking that light bulb and it's like you're turning the light up all the way. So you're fully illuminating whatever is right in front of you. You're just completely present in a, in a thing. Right. You can do anything mindfully. You can fold your laundry mindfully. You can go for a walk mindfully. Like, it's, it's, you know, doing it without podcasts, doing it without, like, without the TV. It's like just being present in the act of folding your laundry because, you know, we all know that laundry is like, it's like this self feeding system. It's never.
Laura: It's never done.
Kelly: It's never like, just done, right. So I think about laundry a lot because it's just a chronic issue in my house and just being present with like feeling the fabric, like even, you know, I'll fold my son's clothes and if he transitions into a new size, you're like whatever, folding the two T’s because we're getting ready for threes and you're like, oh, he used to be this side, like just being present in the act of like the experience of folding laundry. So that's mindfulness versus meditation is more of what you, you know, we think of sitting crisscross apple sauce and like maybe saying like over and over which it can be, but it's just single pointed concentration, focusing your mental power on one single thing.
So you can do either, you can do both and they are such great ways to really turn down the noise, both the actual like overstimulation like the world is just a noisy place in general, but also turn down the noise of the mental chatter. I think about this a lot when it comes to parenting of like, the opinions because, you know, like the second you, like, the second you get those two little pink lines on your stick and you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm pregnant. Like, the opinions just start coming from all directions and I, I don't know, maybe you can tell me if they stop, but for the first few years of my parent that it hasn't stopped, it's just, it's a lot of noise.
Laura: I can probably teach you some things about boundaries.
Kelly: I do my therapist and I do talk about boundaries. So I still get the opinions. However, you know, I don't, I'm just gonna have to take them what they can read about them and not about you. But yes. Yes. Yes. I mean, so, I mean, I'm not at a stage in my parents where I've made it very clear that I'm not available for that, that type of feedback. And so that feedback doesn't come back, come to me very much anymore. I feel so great.
I love that. And for me like turning down the noise, the noise and quotations of, of any type, even, you know, I really struggled with overstimulation when I became a parent because I lived a very quiet life. I enjoy being alone. I'm an introvert and then all of a sudden it's like you're all your senses, you're never alone. It's never quiet. Like, especially like little boys, they're like stinky, they're, you know, they're always trying to like, kill themselves in some, like every sense is just on like level 200 all the time.
And so being able to turn down that noise and also being able to turn down any other noise, whether it's noise I'm consuming from social media or, you know, anything like being able to just turn the volume down to me, turning down kind of the external volume is one of the best ways to then be able to hear what's within. Like Rumi says, quiet, the mind and the soul shall speak. It's like, you know, quiet down the noise and maybe your true self, your soul, your inner mother, whatever you're trying to connect with, it might just, you may not be able to hear it over all of the noise of everything else.
Laura: Yeah. Okay. So Kelly, I have a question for you. When I first started practicing meditation and mindfulness, I felt like I was such a failure because I couldn't quiet my mind. The second I started getting quiet and trying to focus on my breath, my mind moved away to something else and got pulled out and I've gotten better at it that I understand now that it's a muscle that you exercise and that, that's kind of the point, you know, being pulled away. But for those of those folks who are new, what can you tell them when they sit down to maybe have just a moment of focusing in on their breath, you know, even for just one minute of focusing on their breath and they can't keep themselves focused on it. What, what can they do to either make that easier or be more accepting and compassionate with themselves? You know what I mean?
Kelly: Yeah. And I think you already did such a good job of describing it because, you know, first of all, it's remembering, it's not that big of a deal.
Laura: Like I think we are so not getting graded.
Kelly: No. And it like it really at least not gonna come and watch you and grade your meditation. Like I don't care and you shouldn't care either. It's like, you know, what's that? Like sometimes I, you know, scroll on Tik Tok at night, but it's like that Tik Tok sound. It's like, you know what? It was not that serious. And I think about that in terms of like you're meditating and here's the thing you will get distracted. I have been meditating. I've been teaching meditation for almost 10 years at this point. I get distracted when I meditate. What I challenge people to do is to change the way they think about distractions. Like we kind of label them as like quote bad or like, oh, it's, you know, like I fall off the bandwagon. Yeah. Yeah. So we're so worried about failing if you are doing, you are doing great that's it.
And it's about one accepting, I'm gonna get distracted. It's absolutely gonna happen. Like, if you go and you work out, you're probably gonna sweat a little bit or your heart rate is gonna go up. It's just gonna happen. It's a natural byproduct of what you're doing. You're gonna get distracted and also embrace the distractions. I love what you said about. You know, it's a mind. Your mind is something that you exercise. I think about the distractions as they are the weights and the resistance bands and that we use to build the strength. So it's not about sitting down and never being distracted again. It's about how many times can I get it and then return to my point of concentration. So it's recognize, release, return, recognize, oh, recognize and compassion to return. Yes. In a kind way because it's just like, oh, whoopsy got distracted again, thinking about my grocery list and like, don't beat yourself up about it.
Laura: Yeah.
Kelly: And one of my first teachers was just like, and I asked about like, what if I think about something and I don't want to forget it or, you know, I'm so distracted and they're like, kind of just like you would with like your little toddler. You're just like, you know, this morning we were having a drinkable yogurt smoothie and he kept tipping it too far the other way and it spilled out. You're just like, oh, oops, let's get a towel, we spilled it again. You know, it's like, not that you're just like, ok, well, you're learning, right?
Apply that same compassion and kindness to yourself. Like, oh, oops, I was thinking about my grocery list again or I was thinking about the call I have after this again. Like, oopsie and then you just, so you recognize that you're distracted and that's kind of the hardest part because sometimes you get on those like mental, like you go from super highways before you know it. You're like, how did I get here? I'm supposed to be meditating. So it's recognizing it and then just kind of releasing it and being like, oh, I'm, you know, thinking about the call after this and just, you know, that's still gonna be there when I'm done. Release it and then return to your point of concentration, which could be your breath.
It could be a mantra that you say. It could be the guide of meditation you're listening to it could be maybe you're scanning through your body. It could be picking up where you left off. And I find that people generally get distracted every few seconds, especially when they're first starting. It's like you focus for maybe 3 to 5 seconds. Oops, I get distracted, bring it back and then five seconds later. Oh, oopsie, I'm distracted again. Bring it back. But these are the weights and the resistance bands that you need to build that strength. So what we're trying to do over time is maybe, instead of every five seconds you get distracted, maybe you start getting distracted every 10 seconds, which is amazing, but just embrace the distractions will be there. They build the strength. So reframe the way you're thinking about.
Laura: I love it.
Kelly: Do you remember recognize return release? Would I talk to my child this way if they were learning something new and they weren't like perfect at it first. Probably not. So, why are you talking to yourself that way? I remember it like it, it's not that serious. I love fiction.
Laura: Yeah. It's just not a teacher. No, Kelly. I, I, this is something I talk about with parents all the time because my parents that I work with are attempting to become more conscious, compassionate and respectful parents and they're so loving and forgiving and graceful and gracious with their kids and then they're so hard on themselves every time they make a mistake and they, they parent themselves with punishments and, you know, threats and shame. So I really love that invitation to treat yourself as you would treat your child when you're learning something new. And that really, I love that so much.
Kelly: That's all it is. It's a new skill that is.
Laura: It's a new skill that we're learning. Isn't that wonderful that we get to learn our whole lives through too? I think that's just so lovely.
Kelly: I think so too.
Laura: Okay, so I want to just draw a connection point from the topic we were talking about earlier, the finding your true self learning how to check in with your authentic self and stay in alignment and mindfulness. So how can you use, use mindfulness or meditation as a tool in aiding you and figuring out who you are, at least at this point in your life and what feels right for you.
Kelly: Yeah. So I think the first thing is just implementing like any kind of a simple mindfulness or meditation practice because like I said, it's going to help and a quiet some of the noise. So if that true self is speaking to you already, which it probably is maybe we can hear it. And then also taking that time that you're carving out for yourself and studies tell us 8 to 10 minutes a day is enough to get the mental physical and neurological benefits of a meditation practice. Even, you know, to the degree of your mind will actually start changing. Like your Amygdala will start to shrink the prefrontal cortex, your physical structures like the actual physical brain and you only need eight minutes a day.
So one just implementing any kind of a practice, that little micro habit, it just helps to, you know, again, quiet the mind and the soul speak. But then also using that time to check in to kind of quote like bait yourself like, you know, how am I doing today? What am I thinking about like what's on my heart today? What what's happening? I think about it, you know, beneath the surface, like you see that iceberg in that little tip that you see above the surface, but then there's this huge iceberg underneath like what's happening beneath the surface and using that time to kind of consciously check in and reflect. Then as we start to get a handle on that, you can start to be a little bit intentional with that meditation time. Maybe you can start asking some questions being a little inquisitive like what brings me joy and, and see, you know, what does the true self have to say about that or this?
You know, when I make some bigger decisions on behalf of, you know, me and my family and my child, sometimes I'll ask that or I'll be like, well, which option feels good or which option feels right to me and then trying to just sit and be and see if anything comes up and again, it's not that serious. Sometimes you might, you know, you're not gonna get all your questions answered all the time, but it's just about building that open line of communication where we're slowly learning how to talk to this true self, what it sounds like. And over time you'll begin to kind of get to know who you are and what's in alignment with that.
Laura: Yeah. Do you think there are times where like as you're starting to do this as you're learning how to kind of reconnect that true self and open that line of communication that you might get like mixed signals or get something wrong. And then like, realize later like, oh, that wasn't actually my true self. That was my fear or something. You know what I mean? Like does that happen? I'm, I'm guessing that happens.
Kelly: But uh it, it happens. So as you're asking that question and the reason I was like, oh is because there's a couple of things that come up. So one what is most likely to happen? So actually circling back if you're like, oh is this and this is for my over thinkers out there, which um daily mindfulness also has been shown to reduce rumination and overthinking, which I think is a really powerful practice for many of us. But I often I try to check in with my true self and also my body at the same time. So what I mean by that is if I'm like, oh, is this really what I want or you know, is this what I think I want?
Usually if it's really what I want, it will feel good in my heart and my body will kind of be relaxed if that makes sense versus or is this just what I think I want sometimes like, I'll notice like, oh my heart kind of gets like about it or like I get a little bit tense about it and I check in with all these different, you know, it feels good, kind of emotionally, but also, like, physically, it's just kind of like, yeah, like this is the direction and I try to look for little confirmations based on the other parts of me and if it feels good in an alignment, so if you're not sure, try looking for other signals for kind of confirmation also, like, you know, if you feel like you're really overthinking it, you probably are.
And you know, and it's just, it's, you know, you can ask yourself, am I overthinking this a little bit? The answer is almost always yes. What I would say is more common than people getting it wrong is that people don't like what they see and it can at times be, I guess I should, it sounds kind of negative to be like, oh, they don't like it but often what was scary? It's very scary. Plus what of your true self is like this career I've been doing for 30 years is not fulfilling me. And then you're like, well, shoot, what do I do now? I've been in this career for or like, you know, my, I've been an accountant for 30 years, but my heart has always wanted to be a dancer.
Laura: Like then what do you do?
Kelly: You know? And that happens. So I would say that's the more common thing that people, they'll get the answer or the message and they'll get it correct and they'll feel like I'm really feeling, you know, pulled to do this, even in parenting, like my son never latched. So I exclusively pumped and bottle fed him and, you know, I had to really reflect on, you know, that particular decision and what was right for us, like mutually, right for the two of us. And, you know, and I it's, that wasn't my first choice. Like if I could have wave my magic wand, that wasn't how I imagined like my breastfeeding journey going, which is, you know, fine again, you know, it's not that serious. He was being fed and, you know, it's all good.
But I had to really, I was like, you know, like my heart is telling me it's like exclusively pumping and bottle feeding is working for us. It's better for my mental health and like he is growing and he's thriving and I didn't feel that answer because it's not necessarily what I wanted in the moment. And, but it was just like that I think is more common when you're like, well, shoot, that wasn't really what I wanted or you realize that now you're course correcting kind of a little bit, you know, later on in this journey where you're like, oh my gosh, like, you know, this whole time, like you may discover some things about yourself that have been very deeply buried, but I challenge people and although it feels scary and it can be scary.
Remember that? Like, it's a part of you and to return to that space of like love, love and kindness and often, yeah, like you'll get the message and you usually get it right. But you might be like, well, now what do I do with this? Like, this is something that, you know, may change or I want to start doing something in my life differently and like that's ok. But I would say that's the more common experience than people getting like the wrong answer.
Laura: Yeah. So it's more of a thing of the getting it kind of getting the right answer and being afraid of it. And so doing what they think they're supposed to do, you know, instead of really listening to yourself, I'm sure that happens and it's okay, you know, okay.
Kelly: And start small and you know what it's because if your heart says, oh, I've been an accountant for 30 years and it's, I really wanted to always be a dancer like that doesn't mean you have to drop everything in that second, leave your career and pursue broadway. I don't know, it can be like, you know what, like dancing really feels fun and fulfilling to me. Like on Thursday nights, I'm gonna go to this like adult dance class or something. Yeah, you can start small and like uncover these little pieces and let it be kind of this fun inquisitive nourishing thing that you're doing. Not like a daunting, scary thing where it's like, oh, I'm gonna uncover all of these, you know, big deep dark secrets.
Laura: Yes.
Kelly: You're just gathering information about yourself and then you get to choose what you do with that information.
Laura: Yeah. And meeting, meeting parts of yourself. Meeting parts of yourself that, you know, that maybe got cut off or put away for a little while and pulling them back out. It's, it's exciting and delightful. It doesn't have to be heavy. I love that. Thank you, Kelly.
Kelly: Yeah, I have a question for you, Laura.
Laura: Oh sure.
Kelly: You know, this isn't my show. This is your show, please. But I'm so curious because you, you talk about your own kind of personal like self discovery journey as you, you speak of it as if it's in this like infancy stage or something that you're taking and like, that's not how I would perceive you at all. And so I'm so curious, like, just about like your personal journey with that or like why you feel like you're not connected to that space as much or it took you so long.
Laura: You know, it's, I was a high achieving individual. You know, I have my phd and I have a theme of kind of self abandonment throughout my childhood where I and I'm working on this with my therapist. So we're getting super personal.
Kelly: We love those therapist.
Laura: Yeah, they're so good. Thank heavens for them, you know. But I mean, there's just this kind of consistent theme of putting myself behind what others thought I should be like. For example, I've always loved art. I've always wanted to be more creative, but there was no time in high school for me to take any art classes because I was on the AP science track because I needed to get into a competitive college, you know, all of those things. So in high school, instead of eating lunch, in the lunch room, I ate lunch in the art room and sat in on art classes, you know, so I, I did find way to honor myself as a kid, you know, but there's just been a lot of putting aside that I'm still uncovering all the ways that I've done that. And, you know, I, for as a young person, I always wanted to be a marine biologist and because my dad wanted me to go to a specific college and had kind of pushed that into me since I was a young child.
I went to a school where the marine biology was not even an option for a major. And so I became a, I went, I got a degree in psychology and now I do what I do now. So, I mean, it's not like it's bad, it's good. I love what I do, you know, I love working with families. I love helping parents be kinder to themselves and be more conscious with their kids. There's parts of it that are figuring things out, you know, and I'm also in the midst of uncovering going through the formal diagnosis process for a ADHD and that's a radical identity change too.
So now I get to look at myself differently, you know, all the things that I used to tell myself about being lazy or forgetful or careless are now through a completely different lens, you know. So there's just a lot of discovery that's still happening and I, I think it's, it's good. I, I think it's, I mean, there's definitely part of me is like, can it just be done? Can I just be settled? You know, but there's all like, I think that that's life. I think the, the purpose of life, at least for me, or at least in the stage is to be continually getting more and more curious, learning about myself, learning how to be kind, kinder and kinder and kinder to myself, how to accept myself. Exactly as I am. You know, there's a process that takes a while. Sorry. Was that too much? I'm sorry?
Kelly: No, I appreciate you sharing that so much. No, I think that's so also you get to be part of my ADHD club because I also have it too. So welcome to the club. It is a big, you know, radical shift. And I like for me, like for the longest time before I took my own like and of reconnection journey was I felt like so unlovable, like no one liked me and no one loved me, like for so long and I tried to almost be the person that I thought like you said, like people wanted me to be more like I just thought like, oh, well, maybe if I'm this like I was trying to be the person that I thought people wanted me to be. But it wasn't until I started taking this journey that I realized it wasn't that I was unlovable and that other like no one loved me or like you love me, it was that I didn't love myself. So and the thing that's so wild is like once I started to step into kind of my own light and just, I stopped showing up as the person that I thought like other people would want me to be at, you know, be and I just started connecting to myself and showing up as like who I am. Like my relationships became so much deeper, my friendships became so much more fulfilling, like everything really kind of clicked into place and, and I always looked at it as like an external problem growing up as opposed to like kind of an internal problem or like maybe problem isn't the right word. But like I really, it wasn't that I was quote like unlovable. I just felt that way because I didn't know or love myself. So how did I know how to show up as myself places and like let myself be loved when I didn't even know what that was.
Laura: Yeah, because we get these messages right. We get these messages from the time. We're very little about what it means to be lovable, what you need to be, what boxes you need to check in order to be lovable. We get them very early and it makes so much sense that if you're not checking those boxes, like the only conclusion you can come to as a child is that well, then I must be unlovable. And so I better put on these qualities that everybody thinks I'm supposed to have in order to be lovable. And that's when we put on our first mask and you're talking about unmasking Kelly, that's what you're, we're, that's really what we're talking about, right?
Is figuring out who am I under the mask that I've been wearing my whole life. And when we unmask ourselves with the people we love, it allows for more authentic relationships, relationships that are true that are grounded in reality instead of like the reality of who we are in truth. You know, not necessarily in what we are projecting or putting on out into the world. You know, the mask that we're wearing, it's profound.
Kelly: It is so profound. And the thing that I think that's really cool about it is it always kind of takes that first person to do it. But like when you. Now, I know the term unmasking when you take off your mask, you give the people around you permission to remove this as well, which is really special and really beautiful. It's also something like as parents. That's something we can model for our children. You know, it's something that I want to instill in, you know, little pork chop that it's like, you know, maybe there's a behavior that I don't love, that doesn't mean he's not lovable. It's, you know, I don't, you know, it's this behavior that we can talk about, but that has nothing to do with whether or not I love him and starting that conversation around distinguishing those different things of like, you don't have to just be this way to be lovable, like you're lovable by existing like you're here.
And so I love you but, you know, and then there's so much around it. But like, if you can take off your mask, you really give the people around you the permission to remove theirs. And then this really beautiful thing happens where and not everyone will and that's okay. But the people who choose to like, then you're just in this really beautiful kind of connected space where it's like, you know, true self to true. So like, you know, thinking about quote, like soulmates and whatever, you know, term or whatever context you use that in, you know, you can just connect on such a deeper level because you're connecting true self to true self instead of mask, to mask.
Laura: Absolutely. I do want to just take a second to acknowledge how, how much safety is a part of that process. You must have a felt sense of safety in order to be able to do that. It's an incredibly vulnerable thing, especially for many of the people who are listening have, have abuse and trauma in their past that has taught them the, the mask that they need to wear. And so finding those opportunities to unmask in a safe place is a privilege too, you know, so we have to always keep that in mind and then there's a process of figuring out.
Okay, so in order to keep myself safe, when do I need to wear this mask? And when can I take it off, when can I be safe as myself? I think that's a beautiful thing to be working on, you know, figuring those things out. And I hope by raising kids the way that, you know, this generation of parents is raising their kids that eventually the world will just be safe for all of us to just be ourselves. That's my hope.
Kelly: That's such a good call out. I appreciate you, you know, bringing that up and yeah, what a beautiful place that would be.
Laura: Yeah, it would, you know, one thing I say to my kids when it comes to like lovable and the, the things they do being tied to their love ability. I always make sure that, you know, there's this statement no matter what you do, no matter what you do wrong, I'll still love you. You know, there's nothing that you could do that could make me love you any less is the thing that parents say to kids.
It's, I think it's always really important to add the other way and there to let them know that there's nothing they could do that could make you love them anymore, that you already love them the maximum amount because we don't want them thinking they have to earn our love. You know, they got more A's, they would have more of our love. You know, it's just, and, but, and at the same time, it's so important for us to know that parents and children have miscommunications about love all the time. There's something we can say something intended with such love and they, it can land on them in an unloving way and that's just the reality of being different people.
Kelly: You know, I, and you can tell me if this is, you know, a balanced way to look at it or not. But for me, I always think about like we're going to quote, mess up our kids in some way like, you know, it's, it's inevitable like we are imperfect human beings also trying to have this relationship and parent these, you know, other imperfect scenes and we're forging this relationship as we do that. And like, for me, I just try to remember, like, you just have to do your best and love them. And like, that's all you really can do. Because again, when we think about this idea, it's so easy to want to do it like perfectly and like perfection doesn't exist. You just have to, you just, you know, you try your best and you can have the best of intentions and a heart full of love and that's all that, you know, that you can really do. And that perfection doesn't exist in any capacity, whether it be parenting or whether it be, you know, meditation and getting distracted that perfect doesn't exist. It's just a construct.
Laura: Yeah, I think, I, you know, I think that that's one of the things that meditation has taught me in parenting is that the mistakes don't have to be that big of a deal that you really like nothing's ever going to be perfect. And if you're going for perfection, you'll just never get anything done, you know. And so yes, mistakes happen in parenting all the time. There will be miscommunications that you'll have to clear up when your kids are adults. You know, like many of us are doing with our, our parents now. You know, there's like they, they will likely think heavens need a therapy, you know, have a therapist that they work with. I hope that they do.
You know, like there's, they, they will have their own work to do because they'll have their own stories and, and it's not my job, our job to prevent all of that from happening because that's their life. They have their work, their uncovering, they're unmasking, you know, all of those things. We can just do our very best to not contribute as much as we can. You know, and then realize that there's part of it that's out of our hands. That's it. I mean, it's hard. But mindfulness and meditation helps me with that so much because it's that same muscle.
Kelly: Yeah, it is that same muscle. And I think it's just any time you're practicing and being rooted in the present, I think is a really helpful thing because life is happening in the present and, you know, we deal with it in the present. And so anytime we're practicing rooting and angering ourselves there and just being in that moment, I think it kind of is a ripple effect and benefits many different areas of our life because it's such an important skill.
Laura: It, it, it totally is. And I think this is something that, you know, a lot of parents that I work with are desperately seeking how to pause when they're triggered by something that their kids do. And what you're, what you're teaching is so powerful because that's how you get the pause. It's exercising that, that, that muscle that allows you to drop into that present moment, become aware of what's happening, become back to yourself and out of the stories that you're telling yourself.
And I just that like when I'm overwhelmed with what's happening or if I'm feeling disrespected or not, you know, like my kids aren't listening or whatever it is taking that even 30 seconds to just drop in. Here. I am. Here's my brother, what's true versus what's all the stories that have been going on in my head. Quiet the noise and here I am, here's what's true about myself and about my kids, you know, like that practice doing that on a regular basis outside of the moment is how you get the like the ability to do it in the moment with parents, you know, for parents, you know.
Kelly: So yes, it's, I, this is fresh on my mind just a quick like parenting anecdote. But last night, we, as everyone knows now I have a two year old bedtime has become, it's just quite a hassle. It's a whole, you know, delay bedtime, you know, it's just, it's, it's a process and it becomes, you know, quickly, very frustrating and you know, things and, and I sometimes what I will do whether, you know, this is right or wrong. But if I'm feeling myself becoming very reactive, I'll tell my son, I'll say, okay, pork job, mommy's gonna walk away for, you know, 10 seconds. She's gonna walk away over here and take some deep breaths and then she's gonna come right back and we'll try again. Right. So giving myself kind of this like came out and so, so last night we were doing bedtime and it was just a hot mess and he just turns to me and he goes, mama, you know, he kind of puts his hand and he goes mama walk away and, and I was like, oh my gosh, like obviously I've been having to do a lot of this lately, but he said it like a really sweet, compassionate way. Like, like mommy, you wanna go walk away, you know, for a few seconds and come back and try again. I was like, thanks buddy.
Laura: They're the best teachers. They're the best.
Kelly: And, you know, it's like, it's, and again, this is, you know, coming from meditation teacher, I, I, there are moments that are so frustrating and I'm like, you know what, I'm getting really reactive. So I'm just gonna take it, take a pause and I'm going to return and it's obviously something you forget how observant your children are and that they're watching you do these things. But it just kind of cracked me up and I had to laugh at that moment. I was like, yeah, sure, buddy. I, you're right. I probably could use a, a 12th walk away and then I'll be, and it's something he implements in itself sometimes too. He'll say, you know, he'll say I want a time out.
But what he means is, you know, I want, I need a little break and you're just like, ok, like you can, whenever you want, you can, you can take that. But it just cracked me up because even last night you're just like, yeah, that, you know, that is something that I need. Thanks buddy. I mean, and one of the things that I, I like to reframe these things, these moments with their kids where they are really like who put like pushing us to practice our skills. They're just giving us the opportunity to, right? They, they are a beautiful partner in this process. So you're getting on the ground, real life training and how to calm yourself in the moment when you're frustrated. Like that's beautiful. Thank heavens that your two year old is inviting you to that good work. Oh my gosh. And what a tough teacher he is, he is, we are practicing daily.
Laura: I love it. Kelly. Well, thank you so much for sharing everything with me. I want to make sure that people can find you. I know you mentioned your podcast earlier and I'll have everything in the show notes. But do you have a website or social medias where people can connect with you?
Kelly: I do. So my website is yoga for you online dot com. You can find, you know, all the stuff there. Then on Instagram, it's at yoga for you online. And then I have the two podcasts that I mentioned mindful and minutes, which is kind of the broader, there's five years worth of weekly guided meditations on there. All the topics. They're all less than 20 minutes love it. They're 10 to 14 minutes average.
Laura: Cool, great.
Kelly: So all are welcome over there. Come as you are. And then if you find yourself in the fraternity, fertility, prenatal, postnatal specific kind of window of motherhood, I welcome you to come over to meditation mama, which are meditations to support that. And then I have a book coming out this fall, all of um meditation and mindfulness into your family. So you can pre-order that it comes out in September.
Laura: Good for you. That's great. Congrats.
Kelly: Thanks. That's my literary baby.
Laura: Love it. Okay. Well, Kelly, again, it was so much fun talking with you. I really appreciate what you're putting out into the world.
Kelly: Thank you. This was just the highlight of my day getting to chat with you and connect. So, thank you.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout-out, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.
All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!