Episode 157: Overcoming Burnout and Guilt with Andryanna Gonko
/As a parent, I know how challenging it can be to juggle the many responsibilities that come with caring for our children, partners, and ourselves. As you may remember, recently I've been struggling with health issues and burnout, and it has been a really difficult journey. I've come to realize that many other parents are experiencing similar struggles, and it's time we have a compassionate conversation about it.
That's why I'm excited to share my latest podcast episode where I speak with Andryanna of the Juggle is Real podcast (where I was a guest recently!) about burnout and how it affects our mental health and relationships with loved ones. We delve into the topic of mom guilt and the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect parents, often at the expense of our own well-being.
Through our conversation, we discuss practical strategies for overcoming burnout and guilt, and we emphasize the importance of self-care and self-compassion. We also share personal stories and insights that we hope will resonate with parents who are experiencing similar struggles.
I know firsthand how isolating and overwhelming it can feel to experience burnout and guilt. That's why I wanted to create a safe space where we can talk openly and compassionately about these issues, without any judgment or shame.
I invite you to join us for this heartfelt conversation. You can find the episode on my website or wherever you get your podcasts.
If you're looking for more support on these issues, I also offer online courses and group coaching through my BalancingU membership. You'll have access to a community of like-minded parents and resources that can help you find more balance and compassion in your life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this message, and I hope our podcast episode can bring you some comfort and support during challenging times.
To know more about Andryanna, visit her website andryanna.com and follow her on Instagram @andryannag.
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody! On this week's episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, I'm going to be sitting down with a guest. And we're going to be talking about how to figure out where our guilt as parents, especially as moms comes from and how to release it. For kind of, for once and for all. So I'm so excited to have my guest on to talk about this topic with this, Andryanna Gonko, welcome to the show! I'm so excited to have you. Will you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do?
Andryanna: Yes, Laura, I'm so thrilled to be here and it's so nice to see your face again. You were recently on my podcast not too long ago. And so I'm so happy that we're sitting down and, and chatting on the balanced parent because it is a podcast that I have found so much support and value in and something that I come back to often. So, thank you so much for everything that you are doing. I myself am a podcaster as well. My podcast is called The Juggle is Real.
Laura: It's so good. You have to go listen to it.
Andryanna: Thank you. Thank you. And basically, I started it because I am a mom. I have three boys and I understand the struggles that we go through with motherhood with our careers and just trying to juggle it all. A few years ago, I experienced burnout. I was really trying, to be that perfect mom, perfect wife and colleague and manager and all of these things. And that ultimately led, to not measuring up and feeling bad and being more stressed and more overwhelmed than, than was needed. And so through that experience, I really had to just go inwards. And it took me on a journey that led to learning how to add better balance in my life.
And so I think that this is not unique to just me. I know that I'm certainly not the only one who has gone through this. And it's a process that I'm continually learning and continually, you know, just trying to manage and to sort through and, and to figure out on a day-by-day basis. And so it's how can I love myself first, which can sometimes be very difficult for moms, especially. How can I prioritize myself? And from there, doing these things, that really spark joy and light me up and better care for myself so that I am able to be the mom that I want to be to my children.
Be the wife that I want to be to my spouse and, and be more efficient and more productive, in the work that I'm doing. And, this is just the journey that it has been taking me on. So I share often through television interviews with the podcast on social media. And I also run workshops both, both personal and corporate workshops just to try, to normalize the struggle that we're going through and, and to just let everyone know that it's ok. You can do things for yourself and no guilt is needed.
Laura: Yeah. Okay. So let's talk a little bit about guilt. I really resonated when you were talking about how you had kind of all these roles you were wearing so many different hats and feeling like you weren't meeting expectations and in any of them. I felt that before where I felt like I had so many roles, so many hats that I was wearing as a therapist, you know, as a, you know, as a professor. So, I was a professor for a while, had lots of different hats as a mom, a wife trying to care for myself. I had been in a car accident, so caring for my body and I was just failing at everything. So I, I definitely resonated with that and I think lots of us have been in that place where we're wearing, you know, just even within the role of mom, there's so many hats to wear, there's, you know, emotional regulation. So there's the nurse, there's chef, you know, there's just so many roles that we wear.
Andryanna: The car pooller. We're so proud about that.
Laura: Yes. You know what I mean? And then, so where, where does the guilt come from that we feel? Because I think a lot of us feel that we feel like we're failing and this guilt bubbles up and it's hard to know where it comes from.
Andryanna: It is, it is something that's really prevalent and I'm not sure if it was, you know, passed down from, you know, generation to generation. I think a lot of times when we look around us, it's really easy to see that everyone else has got it figured out, everyone else is doing it perfectly and we look to all these external circumstances, right? Whether it be advertisements or social media or just, you know, seeing that mama pick up who looks like, you know, she's so polished and put together. And oftentimes we are holding ourselves to such on a pedal still really, you know like we have really ideal.
Yeah, exactly. So we, when we have an ideal of what we think motherhood or, or, or, or parenting should look like it's impossible to measure up to what's perfect, right? And so whenever we're, we're trying to do that, we're inevitably going to fall short of, of being perfect because that's just not realistic. That's no one is ever going to be able to measure up to those types of standards. So I think a lot of it has, you know, been passed down to us. But also I think when we're looking externally tho those, those, those judgments can creep up. And so I think oftentimes we just have to take a look inwards and see what, what is that cause that's creating the effect of guilt.
Laura: Yeah, it sounds like you are saying that we need to have this kind of really like firmly in place filter or lens that we kind of as information comes in from the outside world. Pressures from our own upbringing, ideas from culture and social media that we have to kind of filter through that and really be aware of. Okay, how is that making me feel? Is this actually something that I believe in? Is this something that I want to take on as, as kind of my role instead of just kind of accepting this is what it's supposed to be and I'm not measuring up. Right?
Andryanna: Exactly. And I think you, you said, you know, the most important part is just gaining that awareness, you know, like if you know, for some reason, you feel triggered by something like, so just pausing and that is the most beautiful part is, is recognizing and being aware of it and saying, okay, so is this, is this true? Like is this something that's true? You know, oftentimes we look like, oh, well, she looks like she's got to put together this. This looks like the ideal picture of motherhood. Why can't I do this? Well, is it true what you're, what you're trying to look to? You know, is it, is it a real actual fact or is it just something that we are assuming, is it an assumption on our part or is it how you want to be feeling?
Is this a situation that you want, you know, sometimes we look to these external areas, but is that actually what we want in our lives or is it just something that, that we're seeing and that we're not measuring up to? And so we're holding ourselves to this impossible standard. So I think the awareness is really the first step and it's so important and it's when we can understand, you know, why we're feeling this way, then, then we can really just be honest with ourselves and start this process of forgiving ourselves and letting go of whatever this is.
Oftentimes it starts with our judgments and I kind of giggle and when I say it because when we think to what sometimes is bothering us or what is triggering us, it's oftentimes things that we are judging ourselves for. It's in words, right? When we're judging others or if we're looking to those outside areas, it's something that we are perhaps feeling not okay with about ourselves. And so just unearthing that and just putting that out there, I think is, it’s really, really important and just being able to say, ok, you know what, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for judging myself as you know, not being that perfect mom or for, you know, getting angry when my kids didn't do X Y or Z or when this occurred.
You know, I, I'm forgiving of myself and that allows us to let go and release it and, and I honestly have, I write it down because it's, it's one thing to think it, and it's so great to be able to pause and, and do this at any point in the day. But like, I personally, I like to see that visual representation and I, I write it down, I forgive myself for judging myself as and, and then I just, you know, let whatever it is, let it go. And then from there, I like to create a new truth around it. And I like to just, you know, make, make a, a statement, you know, an affirmation and create a truth of how I really do want to feel. So I'm forgiving myself for however, you know, that guilt is creeping up. And then my new truth is that I am an amazing mom. I am, you know, a supportive spouse, I am whatever those things are, you know, I am calm, I am patient, I am understanding and then we can release those guilts, those judgments.
And then we can just focus on the new truths and we can reiterate the truth to ourselves and repeat it to ourselves. And perhaps when we do feel triggered, we can just recall and remember what that feeling is that we want. And that repetition is really helpful. And soon enough, it's like, you know, and, and this is something that you can probably speak to as well from, from your professional background is like, you know when we can release those doubts, those guilt, that judgment and we can just focus on what it is that we want to feel, how we want to show up who we want to be. You know, we can forget about the old and really just allow that truth to become a reality.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely. I love what you're saying. It's, you know, the our brains love to be efficient, right? So our brains love to think in habitual patterns because then they can automate it and not have to put forth a lot of effort, right? And so we have these super highways in our brain and our brain also uses judgment to make decisions about our world and our poor, wonderful, well-intentioned brain isn't built for this modern world with all of this information coming in and it's just doing its best to help us. And we have these patterns that aren't helpful, these patterns of the ways of thinking and judging likely handed to us from our own upbringing, from culture that need shifting.
And I think one of the pieces that I wanted to kind of just circle back to and dig in on a little bit if that's ok with you is recognizing when we're engaging in judgment because I think that that's so hard. I think it, again, that awareness piece of noticing. okay, so I'm bringing like information is coming in. I'm filtering in some information or some feedback from the system that I'm in. And then I make some kind of judgment about it and just even recognizing that. And that judgments are, can be positive too. So that's a good mom is just as judgmental as that. That's a bad mom. You know what I mean? So do you have any tips for us on kind of how to, like, how to practice? I need to like, exercise that muscle of like, noticing judgment, noticing when we're judging ourselves, judging others. We spend a lot of time in judgment, right?
Andryanna: We do. We really do. And I, for myself, I found that it was something that I was really open to offering up and it was something that, that I used as almost like a defense mechanism, but also a way to gain connection. So an example I'll share is like a group chat that I have with my girlfriends and it was a place for me to be, to complain, to release those judgments really. But I was doing it in a way that was sort of trying to use humor perhaps and, and, you know, like, oh, yes, I'm a hot mess and, you know, like, sort of like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I forgot my kids' lunch today.
You know, bad mom move or all of these things. And so I would kind of be in this paradigm of poking fun on it. And I think we see that a lot. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, and in some cases it was sort of like that validation aspect or, you know, when we see things and, you know, you see something on social media and it's the mom who is like, you know, you just pouring a glass of wine. At the same time, she's pouring a cup of coffee and she's got her dry shampoo out and she's wearing a jogging suit and there is nothing wrong with any of these things, but it's perpetuating this. This mentality of this is what motherhood looks like. And of course, there are times when you're going for that cup of coffee, there's times when the dry shampoo is your go-to.
But I think when we're just focusing on that, then that's kind of where the judgment can grow. And that's, that is what we focus on will grow, right? And so if that's all we're looking at is this side of, of motherhood, this side of parenting, the side of how we are emoting how we're communicating is through this sort of self-effacing, poke fun at ourselves. We're all hot messes and you know, there's nothing we can do about it versus recognizing, you know, how you're feeling in those moments and instead of trying to, to minimize it, trying to make fun of yourself or trying to complain about it, you know, just letting yourself know and give yourself that moment to be like, you know what it's ok, it's ok that I chose to sleep in this morning and I didn't have time to wash my hair. And so I am using the dry shampoo and that's okay.
I am an amazing mom regardless of how clean my hair is, right? Or you know what my external appearance is or whether I choose to wear, you know, tight-fitting jeans or whether I'm going for the jogging pants, it's ok. I forgive myself for any of this judgment that's creeping up. And what I want to focus on is how, how I want to feel how, even whether I'm choosing, you know, option A or option B I'm ok with that decision, either way, it doesn't make me a hot mess. It doesn't make me a good mom or a bad mom. I am, regardless of what happens. I am, you know, patient and calm and loving. I'm supportive and understanding and you know, just focusing on what those new truths are, how you want to be.
And when of course, when we focus on that side of it, that's what we're going to see reflected back to us, right? And so we're, we kind of are, you know, we're going to minimize the negative and we're going to focus on those positives, like, oh, you know what, I did pack those lunches today and you know what, maybe I forgot one little treat but you know what? It's ok because then it opened up a new conversation and really just measuring those wins that you had in a day instead of just focusing on, you know, the things that maybe didn't go as you expected them to.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely. I feel like you had a really important message in there for us as a community of moms too, like a community of parents. When you were talking about the, your group chat. I just wonder how powerful it would be for all of us who are listening to this right now, listening to this conversation to just take a moment because we all have those group chats, hopefully, you know, if we don't, we need them, you know? We all have those, the people that we talk to about these things.
And I just wonder what it would be like to take to heart what you're saying. And instead of coming from that place of kind of poking fun at it, we acknowledged, you know, the without humor. I'm having a hard day today. I made some mistakes that I don't feel good about. You know, we're, we're honest and vulnerable with each other because we all want to feel seen and heard, right? We all want, there's a reason why those videos on Instagram and Tiktok are so relatable. Right? We all want to have not feel so alone in the messy middle of parenting. Right?
Andryanna: Absolutely.
Laura: And there's room for that, there's room for, you know, gosh, we need lightness at times but then we also need honesty and vulnerability and a moment to just say, you know, we don't, it doesn't, we don't have to be alone in this, you know what I mean?
Andryanna: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I agree with you and I think community in motherhood is so important, so important and I think that when we can maybe be the ones to step up and have those open conversations, then it really just does help others, you know, feel comfortable to be able to do the same thing. And it was a bit of a struggle for me at first too. Like I will say that I, I really had to, to pause and not engage myself, you know, when, you know, friends or people were having those conversations. So for me, you know, my step was not to, not to engage in it because I for myself would always have to pile on to it like, oh yeah.
And guess what else happened and then this and, you know, and really just kind of get into a negative spiral and it's okay and I mean, I, I'm not saying that humor is bad because, you know, I turn to comedy all the time. Yeah. And I know that's not what you're suggesting either. I'm just saying that when we're trying to bury our feelings under the guise of these stereotypes, I think that we're just feeding into it even more. Yeah. And it's really causing us to feel that mom guilt creep up again or it, it's really just burying those feelings deep down under the guise of humor. Or, you know, even just not talking about it at all instead of just being open and honest, whether we're doing that with a friend with a loved one, you know?
Perhaps a professional or whether we're just doing that with ourselves with, with a journal with, you know, our thoughts or just, you know, instead of taking to social media, maybe it is like just clearing our head or, you know, doing like a 10 minute guided meditation or some stretching or getting some fresh air. You know, doing things that are really going to serve us and instead of perpetuating the stereotype or, you know, letting it snowball, we are releasing it and we're trying to do things that serve us and are going to really help us be the person who is trying to, trying to be not the perfect person, but you know, that feeling of I am enough and I am worthy and, and no matter what happens in my day, I know that this is who I am.
Laura: Yeah. Yeah. And handling those hard times that come for all of us, right? Because the struggle bus stops at everybody's door from time to time handling those in an emotionally healthy way and it's so hard to do that when maybe we didn't learn that growing up. But what a beautiful gift to give to your family, to your children that you're raising to see them, to have them see a parent modeling that. You know? Sitting in a place of… that didn't go well, you know, repairing, apologizing, reconnecting with them and with yourself, offering yourself forgiveness and grace and compassion. That's a beautiful thing to model for our children.
Andryanna: Yes. Yes. And you know what it was, it was just a few weeks ago. I really had to, to dig deep and to remember what I'm what I'm, what we're discussing right now. If I could just share a quick story.
Laura: Yes, yes, we love stories.
Andryanna: So I have three boys, ages eight, six, and 20 months. And you know, so it's a loud household. It's a busy household. Mornings are full-time I will say. My husband leaves for work very early in the morning. So it's just me with my boys to get everyone, you know, packed up and dressed and ready for school and ready for the day. And I like to wake up early, I choose to wake up early so that I can have a few moments of calm and quiet. And throughout that busy morning rush, I accidentally gave my toddler the medication that my eight-year-old receives. So my eight-year-old has ADHD and so we have been experimenting with different types of treatments.
And currently, he does take medication to help support him at school, with his focus, and, with his hyperactivity and he doesn't like to take the pill. And so we put it oftentimes like in, in a candy or in yogurt or, you know, we, we have all sorts of different ways of doing this and I somehow, you know, was very busy and I accidentally gave it to my toddler and didn't realize until he'd hardly completely ate the little candy that had the, the, the medication in it. And so, I mean, if you're talking about a mom guilt moment, I feel like this was for me, like, it just one, once that realization hit, I was like, you know, just had that feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I was like, how, how did I do this? Like, how could I have done this? You know. And so there was a moment of oh snap, it's like, you know, like what, what is going on.
And, I had a quick call to my husband and explained what happened and then he was gonna call our family doctor. And in that moment, I was just like, okay, I can either fall apart and cry and feel bad and feel awful and you know, that energy is going to radiate and everyone in the house is gonna feel that or I can realize that what has happened has happened and work to being there for my little guy who is going to be having a tricky time now that we know that he's taking this medication and my other kids who still have to get to school, who still have to, you know, finish with their breakfast and do all these things. And so I made the decision to just be, you know, the calm, supportive, understanding, and efficient mom that I truly, you know, want to serve as.
And you know what, I'm Laura, I'm not gonna lie like it was a tough day. Like he thankfully didn't have to have any medical intervention. He didn't have to go to the hospital or see the doctor, but he, he wasn't a happy camper, you know, and, and he had a tough day and so I was able to support him through that, but I also did have to take moments for myself, you know? I did have to lean on some support. I did have to call on, you know, my husband to come home early, you know because I needed a few minutes just to like decompress to take those feelings, put them out on paper. I actually did like a 15-minute yoga and then I was just like, okay.
I was able to come back to myself and just be like, ok, you know, these things happen and forgive myself for the mistake that I had made because things happen. And thankfully, you know, the next day he was right back to his normal, cute, adorable inquisitive, very curious and into everything little cell. But I think we all have these times where we wish something didn't happen. And instead of dwelling on the issue or the mistake when we can try to focus on the solution or, you know, how we can support ourselves and support those around us. I think it's, it's just one of those ways that we can really get past those feelings of guilt and judgment.
Laura: Yeah. Oh, thank you so much for so vulnerably sharing that story with us. And I really appreciate that we need to hear each other, be honest. And I, so I really appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. Sometimes I feel like I can kind of almost like channel my listeners. And I know if I were listening to this, I would be wondering about, in that moment where you made that decision, I could go this way or this way, how I think that lots of us are as parents are chasing that present moment pause, that space between stimulus and response to get that choice. And I'm kind of curious. I, I know I don't wanna take up too much of your time, but I just, I know we're all hungry for that, for that space for that pause. And I'm kind of curious if you have anything to offer around how you were able to get that in that moment.
Andryanna: It's such a good question and I'm not saying I do it perfectly every time I have moments where I am, you know, reacting, you know, just bedtime routine alone can get me very aggravated at times and very frustrated. But I think it is in those, those simple everyday things and it is the repetition. This was not my first time in trying to better understand how I was reacting to situations. I have been trying to be more aware of my response and why I am reacting versus responding or choosing one way or over another way. And so it's like this ongoing journey, but I do like to try to surround myself with messaging, with reading, with podcasts and community that is supportive of the direction of creating truths for yourselves, living the truths that you want to have, and not focusing on the negatives.
And so I, I myself have a coach and a mentor. So, I listen to coaching calls at 6 AM every morning and that has been very pivotal in my life. I like to do some readings, a really great book that was extremely life-changing for me is called The Gap In The Game by Doctor Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan. And I think it's written more from the perspective of entrepreneurship and, you know, success, looking at success. But I really felt it through my experiences with parenting and in juggling both my career and, you know, my role as a mom and it really focuses on looking towards the gains. And, you know, looking to the wins and focusing on that instead of where you're not measuring up or where you still have room to grow or where you're, you know, striving for goals, which are really great and, super helpful.
But, you know, if you're only measuring what you haven't done versus all things that you have done, then I think that's where a lot of us can struggle. And so it's a practice, it's something that I choose to do every day. You know, I choose to write out who I want to be. I choose to look to modes of self-care that I know are really filling me up even in very small. And, you know, sometimes just moments, you know, I'm not saying that I dedicate hours of my day to self-care, but literally like, you know, the 15 minutes in the morning or you know, taking a pause halfway through my day. And doing a little bit of stretching or making an effort to get outside and get some fresh air instead of just, you know, barreling into my to-do list in my pile of work.
I think the mindfulness aspect allows us to, to know that we can have these pauses and to know that we can still manage everything that we have to do and get to that to-do list and things are going to, you know, get done even if we're able to take those pauses. And so when, when that, t that oopsie happened, you know, I had to feel it in the moment. I had to have that feeling of like, oh no, but I was able then to just, you know, kind of flip the switch a little bit and say, okay, now I have to decide how I want to look at this situation, you know, and it was, it was a very good learning for me. It was a lesson, you know, that I can now look back to and I can share and, you know, thankfully my son was ok in that situation.
But, you know, there could be instances where we make mistakes and you know, there are more serious consequences. And so I think knowing that we, everything that we do, whether it's for getting the treat in our kid's lunches or, and doing something the wrong way or forgetting something. You know, I remember it was my son's birthday and all he wanted was a happy meal. And it was lunchtime for my, at my, their school, and my husband called me and he said, oh, how, how did Ashton like his happy meal? And I was like, no, oh my goodness. I literally ran out the door in my slippers and drove to McDonald's to get that happy meal and it was a few minutes late. But we of these situations and so I think when we, instead of dwelling on them, when we can forgive ourselves because it happens, you know?
We can really move past it a lot faster and then we can show up for those who are really counting on us to show up for that, you know, especially in motherhood, we're not just responding to these people responsible for them, you know? For making sure that they are loved, for making sure that they feel safe for making sure that they have that security and they know that when they make mistakes, it's not the end of the world either. Right? So I had to, you know, just explain to my older too, like, oh, Mommy gave Zach like Ben's medication and it's okay, he's gonna be ok. But now we just have to, you know, he, he's gonna have a tricky day. And so we just have to be really understanding and give him extra love today, you know, and so I think when we can show ourselves that compassion and look through the lens of compassion, then we're not looking externally as much we're not noticing.
Oh, she looks so put, put together. Oh no, as if she didn't do X Y or Z when we're looking to other parenting styles, you know, the less I judge myself, the less I'm judging others. And it's such a better place to be. And then our kids, like you, you mentioned, you know, when we're modeling that when they make mistakes, hopefully, they can come to a place where they're taking the learnings from it and, and, and are more understanding of themselves instead of, of, you know, getting really down and, and being really hard on themselves, which sometimes I've seen and, and, you know, some of some, some situations my kids can, can feel really down. And so just knowing that we're allowed to be understanding of ourselves, I think is so special.
Laura: I think so too. And I really, I think, you know, sometimes the message of, kind of focusing on the positives can, can lean into kind of that like toxic positivity place of it. And I really love that you are being so clear on the importance of self-compassion and self-forgiveness that we're not washing over or ignoring anything that, we're recognizing it, acknowledging it, sitting with ourselves in it and being kind to ourselves in the midst of it, which is, I think not always the message that we get out, out in the world. We get the message.
Oh, just ignore it, pretend it didn't happen, you know, like, don't think about it and that's not what you're saying at all. I really appreciate that a lot because I think we need to know that it's ok to, to have hard times it's ok to have moments of pain. We're human beings, we have the full, we have access to the full range of human emotion and expression. And then when we limit one end, we limit the other too. And so it's not about limiting anything or ignoring anything. It's about feeling it being kind and then moving forward with conscious choice.
Andryanna: Absolutely, that’s beautiful. Yeah, I love how you put that together too. That's great. That's good.
Laura: Well, I really appreciate you bringing that message to us into the world. I feel very fortunate that we were able to have this conversation today. I love the last thing you said when I focus less on when I'm judging myself less. I find that I judge others less too. And I think gosh, we all need that magic and medicine in the world. You know, the magic of less judgment. I think that's beautiful. Thank you.
Andryanna: Thank you. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, it all, it all starts with us but you know, we, we have to, we have to feel those feelings, we have to sit with them and then we can choose to, to move past them and to, to continue to, to just, you know, lead with our open heart and have the conversations that need to be had, you know? Whether it's, you know, understanding it with ourselves, you know, having the moments with ourselves and then, you know, going to our friends, going to a spouse, a loved one, someone whom we trust. I think the more we have these conversations, the more, you know, compassionate we're all going to be to one another. And I think that's really great.
Laura: I really appreciate that. Well, you know, so I, I really needed this conversation this morning. I had a hard morning with my kids and out of respect for their privacy, I'm not going to share what happened, but I was feeling kind of guilty when I sat down with you this morning for the conversation and I feel a lot better coming out of it. So, thank you personally too.
Andryanna: No, I appreciate that. And I know, I mean, I think we go through these, we oscillate through these feelings, you know, on an ongoing basis. And so, yeah, whenever we need to, to just remember, I think coming back to that forgiveness, you know, going through that, that quick statement, whether we're writing it down or whether we're just saying it in our heads you know, while we're driving, I forgive myself for judging myself as and whatever it is for my new truth is and, and being able to be conscious of how we do want to, to feel in those moments, you know? Like it's, it's gonna be okay and to know that we will move past it and having that just ability to, to have something to come back to. And I think, you know when you were asked earlier, like, what do we do in those moments?
And that pause, how do we instead of just going straight down that, that spiral or, you know, taking that path that might not serve us as well? You know, maybe that's the statement that we can come back to or just remember and recall whatever that truth is that affirmation and come back to it, you know, have it written out or um have it in a journal, listen to something and um on the podcast, I do have an episode that is dedicated to truths for, for busy working moms, you know? Having some of these statements so feel free, to listen and, and borrow it and come back to it any time you need that, that extra, you know, support and that, that layer of, of comfort to know that you truly are doing an amazing job and you're worthy of feeling the good feelings that are associated with it with the roles that you carry.
Laura: Would you mind sending me the link to that episode? I can put it in the show notes for this.
Andryanna: I love to share. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Laura: You know, this morning I think it's just important to remember that this works for when we're judging our kids too. So this morning, my struggle came, it would be easy to blame it on my kids. But really, it came from my interpretation of the behavior that was happening, you know, and all the thoughts and judgments about what they were doing, what it meant about them and what it meant about me as a mom, you know? And so I like in the moment I was able to kind of challenge the thoughts I was having, you know, one part of my brain thinking she's so this or she's being this way and me saying no, it's actually this, you know, and being able to really kind of have that internal dialogue with yourself around what the truth is, the truth about your kids. The truth about you I think is really an important message and it's not always us that we're judging. Sometimes we judge our kids too, you know, or our partners.
Andryanna: Absolutely.
Laura: Yeah.
Andryanna: I think I struggle with that a lot too and, and I think a lot of times it's, it's, you know, at home, it's one thing. But sometimes when we're out, I can allow what I feel that people's expectations are somehow shift the way that I'm showing up. And so again, it's just being aware and being conscious of it and saying like, you know, what if this is what's happening, whether someone sees it or not, it, it's, it's gonna be ok, you know? And these things happen and sometimes there's nothing that we can do in that moment. Right? Except for, be there to support our children and have those conversations, you know, afterwards when, when things have cooled off. But yeah, coming from, you know, sometimes, you know, there are some difficult moments, you know, and yeah and I think my understanding is, has grown so much since, you know, my oldest was, was young when we would see different behaviors that, you know, I really wasn't used to, to seeing.
Having places to turn to like your podcast where there are safe spaces to have these conversations and discussions I think is so beautiful and how you validate all of these different experiences that we're having. You know? We, you know, some of us have neurodivergent children, some of us have children with, you know, different challenges and difficulties. Some of us have traumas and different, you know, generational issues that we are, you know, are unearthing ourselves. And so I really love how in the moment sometimes things don't go the way we want them to. But when we have this sort of tool belt that we know, like, okay, I'm not the only one. I know that I've, you know, we've moved past this before. I know I have, you know, these tools and these truths that I can come back to. I think it's just that layer of support that many of us really need.
Laura: Yeah. And it's, it's coming home to the truth, like you've said, just coming home to the truth of who we are, the truth of what we're bringing to this world. The truth of it being a process of us, constantly being in progress and growing and becoming never done, never finished. You know, it's just, it's ok to have to be in progress, you know, to have a few steps forward and a few steps back. And to have times where, oh, yes, here this is again, we're working on this again, you know, and having gratitude for the opportunity to be a species that grows and develops through the life span, right? So its development doesn't stop in childhood, right? We're never done and finished.
Andryanna: Yeah. And you know, whatever is coming to us and, you know, we have lessons to learn and, and we have teachings that are coming to us and measuring it that way. I think, you know, just going back to what we've gained even in the hard times, you know? And whether it's through parenting or other circumstances in our lives, you know? We have the ability like you were talking about, you know, with this beautiful, magnificent human brain, you know? We can choose to take those, those memories and we can choose whether we want to have, you know, solely a negative lens on it or whether there are some lessons that were learned.
Or whether there were some, some things, some sheds and beams of light that have made things better for us or have taught us something or have, you know, brought new learnings to us in the stage of life that we're in. And so we, we have that ability to go back and so just, you know, poking fun at it or, you know, bottling it down or, you know, trying to forget about it won't serve us whether, whether it is something that happened in the past or just in that moment, you know, we, we truly won't learn that lesson until we take a look at it and, and just, you know, be like, become aware, take the learnings and, and forgive what we need to let go.
Laura: Yeah, and release. Yeah. Let it move through us fully process it and release. Yeah. Oh, thank you so much for this conversation and it was beautiful. I really appreciate it. I just want to make sure one last time that folks know where to find you, where they can listen to your teachings more.
Andryanna: Yes. The podcast is called The Juggle is Real and you can find it wherever you listen, wherever you're listening right now. Whatever podcast player you choose. You can also find me on Instagram. I do share a lot there. My handle is Andryana G. So that's A N D R Y A N N A G. And you know, through that profile, there's some links to website and some free resources and some actionable tools that you can use to help you move through these processes.
Laura: Oh, great. And I'll make sure everything is in the show notes, Andriana, thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and the gift that you're putting out into the world.
Andryanna: It's truly my pleasure. Laura, thanks so much for having me here today to chat with you and, and have this conversation with your listeners.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!