Episode 148: Five Things You Can Do to Boost Your Child's Play
/As you may have been aware, we are now in the midst of our annual 30 Days of Play Challenge. And when it comes to the play challenge, one of the main things everyone asks for is assistance in figuring out how to encourage your children to play independently more often. Last week we discussed the things your child needs in order to get into independent play, and this week we are going to discuss what YOU can do to really deepen their play skills and experience.
And so in this episode, I will be discussing the following five steps on how to boost your child's play. These things will increase the quality and depth of the play they engage in both with you and on their own. Here's what I cover!
Set the stage for play
Step back and let them be in charge of the play.
Give yourself permission to be BORING.
Narrate their play rather than ask questions.
Let them boss you around.
Alright, if you are not in the play challenge yet, you can still sign up and join us here! Most days of the challenge I share a Reel on Instagram with the day's prompt, so if you want to participate that's a really great place to share your observations with me!
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts, and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Hello! This is Dr. Laura Froyen at The Balanced Parent Podcast. And as you know, we are in the midst of our annual play challenge. And one of the biggest things that you all ask for when it comes to the play challenge is support and figuring out how you can help your kids do more independent play. You know the benefits of play. Play is children's language. It's how they process their days. It's how they kind of work through big questions and emotions. It's how they can prepare for things that are coming up to and kind of work through stuff. Play is a really safe place for kids to do all of that. And oftentimes they want to do that with someone just like when you're going through something, you want to process it with a therapist or a really good friend, a good listener, they might want to do that with you too.
But I also know that there are times when you want to be on your own and you have things to do, like making dinner or folding the laundry and you'd like them to play by themselves. Plus playing by themselves is a wonderful opportunity to build that skill of kind of enjoying your own company. When kids play by themselves, they have the opportunity to kind of dive into that flow state and that's really beautiful and good for the human nervous system and it's beneficial on its own for your child. And it's good for you too. So, I'm going to talk to you today about five things you can do while you're playing with your child that will increase the likelihood that they will play independently later. So the things that we're gonna be talking about today are gonna be very cup-filling things for your children.
So I'm gonna teach you how to play in a way that helps them feel very satisfied by the interaction, as opposed to kind of that feeling of maybe they didn't get exactly what they were hoping for from play with you. And so then they keep asking and asking and asking, so if you have a kid who's kind of you know, always play with me, play with me, mommy play with me, daddy play with me and it feels like they're cup is never full, these tips are gonna be great for you. These are also just wonderful tips for ways to interact with your child during their play. Even if you, if they play beautifully on their own already. These five tips will kind of boost their play skills and do a variety of other things too. So I hope that this is helpful for you and let's dive right in.
So the first one is to make sure that their toys are easily accessible. So a lot goes into making sure that toys are accessible. You have to figure out what your kid can do for their age. So are they on open shelves that they can easily access? Are they a little bit older? So they can use bins that are put away, if you're using bins that are close to your kids need to have pictures on the outside to show them what's in the bins so that they can get their own ideas. But making sure that the toys are easy to access and that they're developmentally appropriate too. So kids who have toys in their playrooms that are a little bit ahead of their developmental level will often ask for more help from their parents because they're not ready for those toys.
And so it is important to be thinking about, is my child able to use this toy on its own. Making sure that toys are accessible. Another piece of that is also making sure that they're high-quality engaging toys that encourage their child's use of their imagination. So they should be simple open-ended toys that can be used in a variety of ways that don't necessarily have one specific function. It's also really helpful to make sure that your kids’ toys are not super flashy or loud. Of course some of those fun toys, you know, the electronic toys make their way into the playrooms all the time. But they do kind of encourage the child to expect to be entertained by their toys and we're gonna talk about that a little bit on item number three.
This entertainment value during play. But thinking about this with their toys, are their toys something where they're putting the work and the effort into the toy and they're in charge and leading the imagination in the play? Or is it the toys that's doing kind of the heavy lifting for them? So that's a piece of making sure that the toys are accessible, that they make play accessible to the child. It's also important to remember not to have too many toys out there. I have a few episodes on decluttering and kind of simplifying the playroom that you can check out. But so I'm not gonna spend a lot of time on that right this moment. But a good rule of thumb for kids and their toys is that if they can't clean up their playroom. Kind of the room that they're in where they're playing with most of their toys in the number of minutes for years they are old.
Then they probably have a little bit too much out and you can either declutter or do a toy rotation system. So a five-year-old should be able to pick up most of their toys in about five minutes with just a quick cleanup. That's a good rule of thumb with it. And then the other piece of making sure that their toys are accessible, especially for kids under six is that they be able to see you or their significant grown-up while they're playing. So I know lots of parents want to have their playroom kind of maybe in the basement or up in a loft where they're out of sight from their kids. And they find over time that the toys kind of drift into the main living area where the parents are spending time and that's because kids, especially kids six and under really want to be in community with their parents.
They want to be able to see. I mean all kids want to be in a community with their family, but especially kids six and under want to be able to see their caregiver cognitively it's taxing to kind of derive a felt sense of security from the idea of a caregiver. And so being able to see you, maybe see you through a doorway in the kitchen while you're working and to make dinner or lunch, allows them to settle in more kind of deeply into play when they have to kind of keep thinking about you and running upstairs to check on you or leaning down to know where you are or listen for you. It takes them out of the play and it's harder for them to get into that flow state.
So, having good eye lines to their sight lines, to your child's play area is really, can really, really help. Even if you are thinking about like, okay, so I have my kids’ playroom. They're, you know, they're dedicated play spaces are in their rooms for example, which I know works best for lots of families. You might consider having one little nook that is within your eye line that has some of their, you know, the toys that they really get into the deepest play in, right there for those times when you really need them to be playing independently what you focus on other tasks in the home or just focus on your own self-care.
So thinking strategically about where you are going to be spending your time while you want them to be doing independent play is really important. And then once you have those places set up, spending a little time yourself in them with your child can be really important and very helpful so that they feel comfortable in those spaces. Okay, so that first one is kind of just like the setup piece of it and the next four are things that you can be doing in the midst of playing with them.
So the first one, I don't think anybody will be surprised by, but and hopefully, in the challenge, you're learning to do this, but it is let them lead. So that is the most kind of the number one thing you can do when you're playing with your child is to set back, let them set the agenda, let them be the director of the play. Let them have the ideas. I know that for many of you who really enjoy playing with your kids, that is really hard. And at the same time if you're feeling like you're spending all your time playing with your kids and they can't play independently. And even though you love playing with them, you want some time where they are playing independently.
You have to take a look at how you're doing the playing because if you are doing a lot of that heavy lifting. If you are directing the play, you're giving them the ideas for how to play, unintentionally, you communicate things to them about that, you might communicate things like that they are not capable of coming up with good ideas for play or that you have better ideas. They might think that your play is more sophisticated because you're more grown up and therefore yours is better and that in and of itself can kind of squash a little bit of play. Plus they just kind of get used to what they're used to and so if they're used to you doing kind of the directing of the play, then, of course, they'll expect you to keep doing that.
The other way, the important thing about letting kids lead and this is for everybody, those of us who enjoy playing and those of us who don't necessarily love playing with our kids will talk to you in just a second. But for all of us, we let kids lead, they actually end up doing the play that they need to be doing. So play serves a lot of purposes in our kids’ lives. It's valuable in and of itself without thinking about the other purposes that it serves. But it does serve some purposes for processing their emotions, working through things, helping them learn and we can trust them to know what type of play they need at any given moment. So when we let them lead, they will naturally, and if they're out of practice, if we've been leading or they haven't had a lot of opportunity to practice leading their own play.
It does take a little bit of time, they might not feel like they know what to do, but they can pretty quickly get back into this idea that they are in charge of the play. That they're competent players. That they can make up the right games to play and once they are, we can really, it's just really lovely and magical to see the themes that come out quite naturally when we're not getting in the way of their process. The play is this beautiful creative process that we can really interrupt if we do too much. And so that's the second one really is about stepping back and letting them be in charge, letting this play be for them, not for us. And I think that that's yeah, the last piece that I just on this that I wanted to mention to you if you are one of those parents who doesn't really love playing with their kids and you might be surprised to know that that's me too, I don't love playing, make believe with my kids.
There's other ways that I enjoy interacting with them and you know, but make-believe like imaginary play with figurines, not my favorite at all. If I am being asked to do the heavy lifting and this is where the letting them lead piece actually can make it so much more enjoyable for you if you're one of those parents who doesn't really care for the imaginary play that kids can get into. So oftentimes the reason why parents don't like that type of play is because they feel some pressure to entertain their kids or to come up with the storylines or come up with what the characters are gonna say or they have ideas and they start talking and the kids say no, don't say that, don't do that and the kids start getting bossy with the play. And it becomes this thing where they feel like I can't do anything right, this isn't fun, I'm not good at playing.
And we get kind of those thoughts in our heads and really what those thoughts, what it comes down to is that we are mistaking our role in the play. We are thinking that we have this role, this active role to play in the play and it's creating some conflict between parents and kids and we're kind of just getting in the way. So I hope the second thing, letting them lead gives you some permission to step back and to not put any pressure on yourself to show up in any way other than just kind of really step back, really relaxed, really at ease, and really letting their child be in charge of the play. The other… So this kind of leads naturally into the next one is to let yourself be boring during their play.
So when you are playing with them, if you find yourself being asked to play a lot and you tend to be an entertaining playmate or feel the pressure to be entertaining, give yourself permission to be boring. So this is number three and I think it can be really helpful to shift your mindset from, you know that my job is to entertain my child while I'm playing with them to make sure they're having fun, to my job is actually to be in presence with my child while we're playing. My job is not to make sure we're having a fun, grand, exciting time and that they're entertained, that's actually their job and their role. My job is to sit back to be present, to be mindful, to kind of hold a space for the play that's gonna be happening. and so you can be really boring during their playtime. This also helps kids build that skill of doing the heavy lifting of play.
So if we've been doing the heavy lifting, there can be a little bit of an adjustment period as you make this shift, you could try doing it a little bit more slowly or you can just kind of hold some space where it's uncomfortable by saying things like oh yeah, you're kind of used to me making all of the characters talk and now I'm just going to kind of sit here and see what you want to do. They might give you a little bit of pushback on that. And if you foresee that happening, I do want to tell you that my course Playful Healing actually digs into that really, really deeply. And so if you are wanting to learn some of these skills that we're talking about today on a deeper level, Playful Healing is a great option for you. It's available within my Balancing new membership.
So you can sign up at the link that's in the show notes here and just dig into that content right away. But that course is designed to teach you alongside your child how to play together and these really deeply connecting healing play sessions. So that kind of not only are you supporting a close relationship with your child, you're also learning those really key play skills, so that end up supporting them and having more independent play on the outside. Okay, so permission to be boring during the play. So if you've been doing the having lifting, it's time to set that low down and just kind of not be so entertaining and let them kind of do that heavy lifting.
Okay, so the next one, number four is to, instead of asking them questions and you know, kind of interrogating them about their play is to narrate their play. So sometimes we want to be involved in kids' play. When we're not actually playing with them, we're kind of just watching them. Like if they're playing legos, like building legos or magnet tiles or we're kind of observing their play and we wanna, we kind of want to be involved, we can tell they want us to be involved and but when we pepper them with questions, it takes them out of the play. They distract their focus and kind of interrupt their concentration. And one of the things that independent play, long stretches of independent play can do is build beautiful executive functioning skills.
And so if they're deep into play, we definitely don't want to interrupt them. Especially not with things that they have to respond back on. So narrating their play or actually in play therapy, it's called tracking their play is when you kind of verbally describe what they're doing with their play. So I see you're putting that magnet tile there. Oh yeah, the red one goes right next to the green one, is kind of what it would sound like or like oh the baby is crying and you're snuggling her close. Or the car went zoom around the track. So those are some, just some examples of what that can sound like, but really you are kind of just talking through what they're doing. You can also use that when they're having difficulty with something like, oh the magnet tiles keep falling!
Or oh, that circle that you're trying to draw is giving you a little trouble. Yeah, you're switching to a different color, you know, you didn't like how that one turned out. So those types of things. When you're tracking like this, this lets your kids know that you are right there with them in the play. It's a form of empathy so they can feel really aligned and like my parent really understands what's going on for me. If you're wrong and you get it wrong, they might correct you, don't take that personally. That's actually a really good sign that they trust you, that they, that you getting it right is important to them, and that they're willing to correct you is a good thing. So don't be discouraged if they end up correcting you and that leads into the last one.
Our fifth way that you can support your children's independent play skills while you're playing with them and it is, let them boss you around. So I hear from a lot of parents that when they play with their kids or kids are so bossy and they don't like that feeling of being bossed around. I'm gonna tell you that I completely understand. I don't like that feeling either. I'm kind of demand-avoidant and I'm really realizing more and more and you know, the other piece of it is that when kids boss, they're adults, they're grownups around, it challenges that kind of social hierarchy that we've been really inundated within a culture. It really challenges that social hierarchy that we've been, you know, socialized into and so it can feel really uncomfortable. And so it's just important to remember that, you know, when you're starting to have that feeling that my kids bossing me around asking yourself, okay, so who is this play actually for?
Is it for me or is it for them and for our relationship, who is it serving? And if you're letting them boss you around, basically that's letting them lead. Even more than letting them lead, because letting them lead gives the sense of stepping back, letting them bossing, boss you around is really about letting them direct you. Understanding that your role in their play is as an assistant, not as the director. That they are the director of the play. They should be giving you directorial notes. They should be telling you where to stand. What to say, how to say it, what to do, who to hold, who to be, and that is all okay. So if you do feel kind of bossed around by your kids, just give it a try. Just go into one place setting where you're gonna be like, okay instead of me trying to kind of have my own ideas about how this play is gonna go, I'm going to have no ideas and I'm just going to let them make all of the decisions.
And you can even take it one step further using kind of my favorite play therapy tool. I teach a few of these things that we've been talking, like tracking and playful, healing, but my favorite one that I teach is the stage whisper. So taking this kind of let them boss you around one step further is asking them to give you direction. So having a nice little whisper where you put up your hand to the side of your mouth and whisper to them, what should I do next? Or what should I have the doll say? We’ll prompt them and really tell them that you are expecting them to be the leader, that you're expecting them to give you direction and ideas. And once you do it a few times, most kids, if you've never done it before, they might get this like little kind of like confused but delighted look on their face and tell you what to do.
But once you do it a few times you won't even have to do it necessarily anymore because they'll be expecting to be in charge of the play. And what that does for you kind of taken together what these things do for you is they make the play that you're doing with your child, that lovely one-on-one time, you know, that special playtime that you're having, it makes it more satisfying to them by engaging with them in these very different ways. You're being fully present with them. You're allowing them the opportunity to play out the themes and nuances of their days process through emotions and feelings that maybe they need to work through that they don't even necessarily know what they are, but they know they need to play it.
And by communicating them to them so clearly that you trust them to know what play is best. to know what role is best for you to play. By stepping back by really giving them, empowering them to be fully in charge of their play. It is so satisfying and so connecting. If you can imagine a time where maybe you've come home from a hard day and you've talked to your partner or you've been able to call your best friend or your own mom and they've really listened to you. They've really heard what you had to say. They were good listeners, they didn't necessarily pepper you with questions, but everything they did and said their body language. Let you know that they cared about you. That they were really listening and we're right there with you that they heard and understood you.
That feels I don't, if you've ever had an experience like that with a loved one or a trusted person, you know how good that feels. How satisfying that feels. How full your cup feels. Versus if you come home and you try to talk to your partner or you call a friend on the way home from work. Try to tell them something and it's clear that they're distracted. It's clear that they have other things that they're trying to do. It's clear that they're, you know, working on something else, how unsatisfying that is and how empty it can leave you feeling. So just thinking about that, how you like to be, have space held for you, and understanding that when you are, your kids say play with me, Mommy. They're, what they're really saying is hold space for me, Mommy. Be in connection with me, Mommy.
Come here, be in the present moment while I tell you something really important Mommy and that is beautiful. That is a beautiful opportunity and I'm not saying you have to play with your kids all day every day. I think I've been pretty clear with this community that I rarely play with my kids at this stage. My kids are, you know, at the time of recording this, they are ten and seven and a half. And they play by themselves or together most of the time. They don't need me so much in to connect through play because they're getting older and when they connect they, well, gosh, I feel like I'm tearing up now when they really need to connect with me, it's either much more physical through like wrestling and some of our occupational therapy type stuff or it's through talking and snuggling and having conversations.
They're growing up and they don't ask me for that type, that kind of presence in play as much anymore. But even when they were little, I did not spend even close to the majority of my time with them playing. I spent a lot of time watching them play, sitting, you know, with a book of my own watching them or busy doing other things in the house while they played. So there certainly is no pressure to be playing all the time with your kids. I think 10-20 minutes a day is more than enough for most kids when you're playing this way. when you're playing in the way that we've discussed today, it's more than enough.
If you're finding that your kids are needing more than that or asking for more than that, then it's time to take a look at what, how am I interacting during the play. Taking a look at the toys that they have to, you know, just taking a kind of a curious, nonjudgmental, super kind and self gracious look at what can I be doing to allow this to be this type of play that I'm hoping for my kids to be easier for them and I hope that these five things help with that.
Okay, if you have thoughts, let me know if you are participating in the 30 days of play challenge and found this helpful, I'd love for you to share it on social media and tag me in it. I would also, you know, as always really, really appreciate any reviews that you can leave on the podcast. It's one of the ways that you can help other people find a podcast that you love. And it definitely helps me make sure that folks are finding us and joining our community where you know, we're building something really special here and I love having you be a part of it. Thanks so much.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!