Episode 134: The Sneaky Double Standards of Parenting with Blimie Heller
/I have a vivid memory as a tween of looking at my parent in outrage, thinking in my head (because I was afraid to say it out-loud), "What a hypocrite!"
I don't really remember what they were doing that set me off, but that FEELING of injustice is still so clear. I think I'm not alone in having moments as a tween and teen of seeing my parents through the lens of "How come you can do it and I can't?!" In fact, my own kids (7 & 9 yrs) have said those exact words to my partner and me, multiple times, and for us, those moments are an invitation to pause, soothe my indignant and entitled feelings, and attempt to see it from their point of view (conscious parenting is about awareness and kind self-evaluation, not perfection). Kids tend to have a keen sense of justice, fairness, and right and wrong (and as a spirited kid I got an extra dose of that 😂), and as a kid I saw SO much of it: The teachers eating in class when we couldn't. Parents staying up late when we couldn't. Grownups having seconds (and thirds) of desserts when we couldn't. And those are just the ones I noticed as a kids, now as an adult I see soooo many more...
I truly believe that the way for us to teach kids the values we really want to pass on, is to do our best to embody and model them in our daily lives. But it's hard because sometimes these double standards are so sneaky, and are cloaked in our cultural conditioning that can make us prejudiced against kids so that we can feel justified in saying, "my kids can't do this but I can since I am an adult." And some of these may be so deeply ingrained that we aren't even aware of them, which means we may be perpetuating them without even realizing it! (And I'm right there with you on this, I still find myself setting double standards from time to time, and luckily we've created an environment where our kids feel safe enough to push back and question us, and show us where the double standards are. They are such amazing partners in this parenting journey.) And that is why, for this week's episode, we will be talking about the sneaky double standards that gets in our way of parenting.
And to help me in the conversation, we have Blimie Heller of Unconditional Parenting (one of my favorite Instagram accounts, go check it out @unconditional_parenting). She is a mom who’s passionate about helping parents build relationships with their children based on respect and trust. Here's a summary of our conversation:
The kind of double standards that can exist in parenting
The sneaky stuff that creeps in as we work on conscious parenting
How to shift away from the double standards we notice in ourselves
We would like to invite you for a little homework after you listen to this episode. Grab a notebook or your journal and list down the double standards you notice in your parenting and share it on Instagram. Don't forget to tag us, @unconditional_parenting @laurafroyenphd so we'll know. And if you're up for more work, I'd love to invite you to join me in my Reactivity to Responsiveness Challenge taking place at the end of September. All the details for signing up are here: www.laurafroyen.com/reactivity.