Episode 133: Break the React & Regret Cycle to Reclaim Your Power w/ Christian de la Huerta
/Ok, it's story time my friends!!
Yesterday morning my kids were putting away their new school clothes and one of them asked if they could wear one of the outfits that day. My immediate thought in my head was, "No! We got those for school and they need to stay 'new' for the first day!". And then, right there, before I said a word, I got the elusive *pause* I know we are all searching for. That doesn't always happen for me, conscious parenting doesn't come easy for me the way it seems to for some parenting folks out there (**cough cough** Janet... Robin **cough cough** Please know I'm joking and greatly admire my colleagues and know that every parent struggles with something!), but it happened yesterday! And so I got curious, where did that idea come from? And I was flooded with back-to-school memories of asking my mom to wear my new clothes, her saying no, and then being glad on the first day because my outfit felt so special and I felt so confident in it. I could see in my mind my first day of school pictures, and remember the excitement I felt to be going back. And I was afraid she would miss out on that. There was a LOT going on under the surface of my default "No" response to a seemingly small, mundane parenting moment, right? And guess what, most of the time that flows through us without even noticing. We react from our default, from our stories, instead of responding to the child in front of us, while acknowledging the child within us. And this noticing, this pausing, this awareness and curiosity? THIS is the work of conscious parenting, and it will last a lifetime.
If you're wanting to know how to do this work, I'd love to invite you to join me in my Reactivity to Responsiveness Challenge taking place at the end of September. All the details for signing up are here: www.laurafroyen.com/reactivity.
Ok, so you're probably wondering what I actually *did* after the pause, right? Well once I was clear on the story underlying my automatic response, I was able to tell her that they were her clothes, so it was her decision. I asked for permission to share my thoughts on the subject, and she said ok. Turns out, she agreed that she wanted one outfit to stay "new" for school, and just wanted to wear the other one. And then we just went about our day. No fighting or yelling or hurt feelings... That moment of pause allowed me to release my story (and control & fear).
Mainstream parenting (aka the parenting most of us received, and that most of us are trying move away from) often relies solely on power currencies that are inherently damaging to relationships: like fear, control, and hierarchy. If any of those are present in a romantic relationship, we know (even if we can't always see it from the inside) that it's not ok, not healthy. Yet they tend to be the default for so many of us, myself included, and not just with our kids, but in our own heads even as we try to change ourselves. The irony of trying to become a more peaceful, respectful, and compassionate parent by using the very tactics we are trying to avoid with our kids on ourselves, will always fill me with bemused sadness. And yet each day is a constant practice of reminding myself that I, too, am worthy of compassion, dignity, and respect. And that releasing shame, blame, judgement, fear and control is just as healthy for me as it is for my kids. And what's more, if I want true and lasting change, then it starts with me. Not in my actions in the world with my kids or my partner, but in my interactions with the person I will be in relationship with the longest: myself.
This work, this life-long work, is the topic of not only of the R2R challenge I mentioned above, but also this week's discussion on the podcast with my guest, Christian de la Huerta, a sought-after spiritual teacher, personal transformation coach and leading voice in the breathwork community. Here's what we talked about:
What it means to have power and the different types of it
How to be empowered without being domineering to our partners and kids
How to break the react and regret cycle
If you want to find out more about the work Christian do, you can do so at SoulfulPower.com (if you get on his email list, you will get a sample chapter from his book!) and follow him on Instagram @christiandlh.
You can get a copy of his book, Awakening the Soul of Power, here.