Episode 110: How Implementing Boundaries Can Improve any Relationship with Melissa Salmeron
/Did you ever feel forced to do something uncomfortable because you do not want to offend that person? Do you struggle with saying "no" even when you know you should? There is so much pressure on us as parents, especially the moms reading this, to be everything and do everything for everyone. And we know the answer is to set more boundaries, to actually say no when we need to so that we have more time and energy for the things that truly matter to us. But it's not actually that simple, is it? The art of saying no is complicated and often it's an inside job.
So, what is a healthy boundary and what is not? How can we set a personal boundary that would not come off as being arrogant or rude?
For this week's episode on The Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to dig deep into healthy boundary setting and how it can improve any relationship that matters to us. And to help me in this conversation, I brought in my friend and colleague, Melissa Salmeron. She is a Certified Master Life Coach and helps other moms give themselves the space they need to defeat overwhelm, step into their power, and show up as their true selves through the power of the CARE Method. She will be helping us learn:
Boundaries: What they are and what they aren't
Purpose of setting a healthy boundary
How to set healthy boundaries
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To get more resources, do follow Melissa on her social media and visit her website.
Facebook: Melissa Salmeron
Instagram: @mrssalmeron
Website: www.melissasalmeron.com
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic overwhelm. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next, you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do; not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello, everybody! This is Dr. Laura Froyen and on this episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to dive deep into boundary setting. So we're going to be talking all about how setting healthy intentional boundaries can improve nearly any relationship. And to have this conversation, I'm bringing in my new friend and colleague, a wonderful guest, Melissa Salmeron. She is a master life coach and she helps moms give themselves the space they need to defeat overwhelm, step into their power, and show up as their true selves. And we're gonna just really kind of geek out about boundaries today. So Melissa, welcome to the show! I'm really excited for this conversation. Will you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do?
Melissa: Yes and yayyy boundaries! So exciting!
First, Laura, thank you for having me. I think the conversations that you have around parenting are just so important and I just, I love your work. So I appreciate the opportunity to be here.
So, I am Melissa Salmeron and as she said, I am a master certified life coach and my passion is helping busy, overworked moms. Yes, work on defeating that - overwhelmed. So that they can live a life of more peace and calm. And I think now more than ever we need to be supporting moms. I mean all parents, yes, need support. But moms are near and dear to my heart as I am one and I have traveled down this road and we also often say “We teach what we need to learn”. And so, that is just a little bit about me.
And I wanted to share if it's okay, Laura, just this topic of boundaries, why also it's something I'm really passionate about.
I started this journey. I've always really wanted to know more about myself and understand, you know, why I am the way I am and always looked to improve myself. And I have three kids, so a ten year old, a seven year old and almost two year old. And around the time my second child was born, I realized that I needed some extra support because I found myself in this stage where I think a lot of moms do, where somewhere along the line I just completely lost myself. And it just sort of hit me like a ton of bricks that I really didn't know who I was and I needed to get control of that quickly because I wasn't showing up the mom that I wanted to be, as the wife that I wanted to be, as the co-worker, any of it really.
And so, I started seeing a therapist and she, one of the first things she asked me was, “Do you know anything about boundaries?”. And I'm like, not really. I mean, yes, but it's always been sort of confusing to me because I always really thought that to be really loving, you didn't want to draw. I thought of boundary it’s like this hard line in the sand, you know. And I just didn't think that that was, you know, the loving way that I wanted to show up.
And so, I started doing a lot of work with her around boundaries. And you know, I think a lot of people find themselves and you know, maybe they weren't taught the skill. I think boundaries, they are skill. I've been working on this for several years and you know, I'm not a master. I'll say that, yes. And we all come from like various backgrounds. But yeah, so I think this topic is, it's so good to really understand what a boundary is and what it is not.
Laura: Yeah. Can we dig in there a little bit? Because I feel like we have this, you know, we have this kind of general like “Yeah, boundaries are important.Yes, we need boundaries.” But what does it actually mean? What do they actually look like? What's a healthy boundary? What's not so healthy boundary? Can we dive in there?
Melissa: Yeah, let's do that for sure. So, personal boundary. It's a limit in a rule that we set for ourselves. So it's all about us and what we're willing to do and not do. And as I said, it's not a line in the sand, it's not a rule. And so this is not my imagery, but I love it so much.
It's kind of like if you think of the boundaries like this hula hoop that you put your, put around yourself, you know, it's defining where, it's like where you end and the other person begins. And a rule would be something that, you know, you're forcing on someone else or you're using fear or power to really control someone else,
Laura: Right.
Melissa: Which never feels good.
Laura: In the parenting world, I think about boundaries are about us and limit setting are about the child's behavior. So if we're thinking about setting boundaries with our kids, like a limit would be, “I can't let you run out into the street that's not safe. I got to keep you safe.” Whereas a boundary is “My back is hurting today and I can't be your jungle gym. I can't wrestle with you today.” That's a boundary. You know, the boundaries are about us and limit setting for kids is about them.
And hopefully we're only enacting limit setting, you know, in times where their safety is at stake or you know, we're really working hard not to infringe on their personal rights. Right? Another analogy that I love, it gets taught everywhere about boundaries is thinking about a boundary as the property line. So if you're a homeowner and you own your home, that your boundary is that property line. Right now, I don't know listener, if you can hear my neighbor is mowing their yard and if my neighbor were to come over and he's very particular, he takes great pride in how his yard is mown. He does, you know, the cross hatching, it's beautiful.
But if he were to come over and say to us, you know to his next door neighbor, say like “you also need to mow your yard in that cross hatch design.” You know, “you need to do X, Y and Z with your yard,” that would be him crossing into my property into my boundary. And that happens a lot in, you know, so it's easy to talk about it in terms of like concrete terms of like our property, our yard, but it's much harder, gets much… The lines are harder to see when it comes to other aspects of personal relationships, especially if we grew up in homes where there weren't clear boundaries and more where boundary setting wasn't modeled to us in a healthy way.
Can we talk a little bit about that then? So where? You know, again, it's easy to say like my neighbor doesn't get to come and tell me how, what color to paint my door. My dad doesn't get to come and tell me where I should plant flowers. It's so easy to talk about in like personal property. But what does that mean for us in terms of emotional boundaries or relational boundaries? Like, what do those?
Melissa: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's important for us to understand that, you know, like we have certain rights and I didn't really get this myself for a really long time. It's like I am in so many ways like I have a right to be treated with respect, right? I have a right to say no without feeling guilty. Big one. That's such a big one. I think so many of us struggle with.
My needs, your needs are just as important as everyone else's. And you have a right to accept your mistakes and your failures. So I would get confused in the past around thinking I didn't do something, I didn't follow through. And so, to sort of like even the playing field, I need to let you do something that I don't really feel comfortable with because I let you down. Now, hearing that it makes no sense.
Laura: Oh no, but I can see why someone would think that though.
Melissa: Yes. But just because, you know, you've done something over here, doesn't change, you know what your limits are, what your personal limits are, right? Like that has nothing to do with the other basically like those are two separate things.
Laura: Yeah.
Melissa: And then, we don't have to meet other people's unreasonable expectations of us. So Laura, you mentioned earlier, like the example of the mother-in-law gets such a bad rap. But I'll just say my brother-in-law actually was giving me a hard time over the holidays. He was wanting me to stay out late for a party and my in-laws loved to stay up late and start their day late.
They're just on a completely different schedule than I am. And he tried, you know, every single enticement there possibly could have been to get me to stay and I was just like “No, you guys stay. Have a great time. I'll miss you and I'll see you tomorrow.” You know, like because I wasn't going to give in because I was going to throw my entire schedule for the next day and the kids and all of that, right? So just because someone really, really wants you to do something doesn't obligate you really, really have to do it.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely. I think it's so empowering to find out where our lines are and to confidently state them so that we can actually be confident in our “no” and what feels good and it's not something that's like that we have to master perfectly. You know, it's a dance, it's figuring out process and there's room for imperfection. And there's room for getting it wrong too for realizing like, you know what? I kind of let someone push me into doing something that I didn't want to do.
What did I learn about this situation? How can I show up better for myself next time? Just like last night my parents had been away. They've been on a trip and my mom wanted to reconnect and chat and I really had had a long day. It's a long holiday weekend. We're recording this the day after Memorial Day. I've been working in my garden for three days straight. I was tired and I should have said “No.” I should have said, “you know what mom, I really, really want to connect with you. I really want to hear about your trip. I'm really excited. I can't do it tonight. I'm tired tonight. I want to stay home with my husband and sit on the deck and talk with him.”
That's what I want to do. That's what I wanted to do. I didn't. You know, I let myself be talked into going over there. Like if I were to, my mom doesn't usually listen to my podcast, but I think if she were to hear this, I think she would be surprised and sad and feel badly that I hadn't listened to me, to my own heart and set that boundary with her. I think that she would have wanted me to be honest with her and say that to her. And for whatever reason, I just didn't have a firm sense of where my line was at that moment in time when I said yes and I went over there and that's just a learning opportunity.
I've been practicing healthy boundaries actively and professionally, you know, for years. And I'm still just figuring those things out. So it doesn't mean like I failed or you know, let myself down. It's just a kind of a learning process of how can I have, you know, really healthy boundaries that prioritize my needs while staying connected to someone else. And I think you're, you've been talking a little bit about these hard lines in the sand and I think it's really important for people to know that, you know, that a healthy boundary is flexible, is compassionate, is kind and is caring and has the goal of keeping a relationship going those hard lines in the sand.
Really, really hard boundaries are just as unhealthy as really porous boundaries. Sometimes really firm hard line in the sand boundaries are necessary with someone who's consistently crossing our boundaries, who’s consistently pushing them. Sometimes we do need something that's much more firm and clear. Like cutting off for example. I know lots of our listeners have family members that they don't see anymore because there was too much boundary crossing.
That's a really hard boundary and I guarantee that the listeners who have done that don't always feel 100% good about that and wish it could have been different. But they had to to protect themselves. But I bet they wish they could have had more healthy flexible boundaries with someone so that they could stay in a relationship because that's what the boundary ultimately is, right? Is that what you, how you see the purpose of a boundary?
Melissa: Yes, absolutely. It's just protecting yourself and knowing yourself so you can show up in the relationship in the best possible way, right? And when you don't have boundaries, I did not realize I had so much pent up resentment. I'll just stay with my husband. You know, it was showing up and it was impacting our relationship.
So that's why, you know, I think they're just huge and when you start working on these things, you will, it's a byproduct of when you know yourself really well and you're able to found these are like an act of self love.
Laura: And compassion. Yeah.
Melissa: And compassion. And so, it could completely transform everything, every other relationship around you when you really clear on what those are. And I think what you said earlier about knowing yourself. It’s knowing your values.
Knowing what your values are. And then saying, “okay, well where my values being knocked up against.” Right? Really taking the time to examine that. And you know kind of being very self aware around that process of like, you know, “What is this making me feel? And what can I do about it?”
Laura: Yeah. Absolutely. I want to skip back to the resentment piece of it. I think you hit on something that is so important especially when it comes to boundaries. So if we are not self aware and haven't gone through this process of figuring out what is important to us, what matters to us, what our values are, and started figuring out how to set those boundaries, then we let people cross them. And oftentimes that happens kind of like under the surface, the other person doesn't always even know that it's happening. And then resentment builds, right?
So like when I first went over to my mom's last night, there was resentment bubbling under the surface. I was annoyed that I was there. I didn't want to be there. It was like impacting our interactions and I like I gave myself a little talking to in the moment. I was like you know what Laura, you're responsible for this. You didn't set the boundary. She didn't even know that there was this possibility of resentment brewing. She had no clue. She was completely unaware that all of this was happening within me. This was my lack of boundary, was what was creating the resentment, not her doing anything. It was my responsibility. If I didn't want to go there, it was my responsibility to deliver a boundary with kindness and compassion and not do it and to say no, that was my responsibility.
And so that resentment that was bubbling up that I was feeling towards my mom had no actual place there. Like it was completely unfair and I was putting a burden on our relationship that didn't need to be there and wouldn't have been had I set the boundary that was true and authentic for me. We really can get in our own way of having meaningful, authentic relationships. True, authentic connections.
When we have porous boundaries, you know? Okay, so then if people are realizing this, that there's resentment sprinkled in their relationships, that they are not setting their boundaries that they need, that they're not standing up for themselves, like, and showing up for themselves and the relationships in the way that they want to.
It seems to me like you're saying the very first step of learning how to set healthy boundaries is figuring out what they are by diving into.
Melissa: Absolutely.
Laura: Can you walk us through that process a little bit? So that the listeners can really start doing like I really like it when there's almost like journal prompts in…
Melissa: Oh man I should have brought some journal prompts.
Laura: They're already there. You already said them. You know, what's important to me? What are my values? You already said them. So are there other ones that we can be asking ourselves?
Melissa: Yeah, I mean I think categorizing if I like a lot of structure actually myself and so really asking your questions, yourself questions around your physical, your emotional, your spiritual, all of these different areas, right? Like what, what is okay with me and what is not okay with me is a great place to start. Maybe in each of these categories.
Sometimes we just don't stop and think about what is ok with me and what is not okay with me. We just sort of inherently have a feeling, right? But we don't necessarily know where that feeling came from because we maybe never sat down and taking the time to examine what is okay and what is not okay with me.
Laura: Yeah. And I really like how you broke it down into kind of sections like emotional boundaries. Physical boundaries. What was the other one that you?
Melissa: Spiritual boundaries.
Laura: Spiritual boundaries. Yeah, I also think too, that there's this place where we have to be really aware of what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. So, like I can set a boundary for how I want to be treated. But I cannot control how someone's gonna react to that boundary. That is not in my wheelhouse.
Melissa: That's the other thing. Actually, Laura, I mean, finding out that I was trying to control so many situations.
Laura: Yeah, right?
Melissa: But I was never going to be able to control. I'm never going to be able to control you know, the other person's thoughts, feelings, or actions and we know this, right? We so know this. We so know but yet it's still like and we just fall into the trap. I just think it's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking. And when you let that control piece go, oh my goodness. It is just so free. Like all I have to worry about is myself and what is and isn't okay with me and that's it. And then, I get to decide based on the other person's behavior.
You know, whether I will allow that. You know, whether or not that's a deal breaker for me, as you mentioned earlier about, you know, sometimes we have people who are reading a book recently, I think terry cole in her book all some boundary destroyers. And it's unfortunate, you know. But sometimes relationships just have to end because even all the boundaries in the world we put in place, some people are just not going to be willing to accept those. And that's their choice, right? That has nothing to do with us.
Laura: Yeah. And so you're tapping into some of the boundaries that we set with ourselves too on what we're willing to take on situating what someone else's stuff and what's our stuff and really setting firm boundaries for our self, that we are not going to let someone else's poor boundaries or someone else's stuff impact us. I think it is so important, those boundaries that we set with ourselves, that we are going to not let someone else change us.
You know, so my mother in law is a lovely person, wonderful, has so many strength for some reason. She does get under my skin. And sometimes when I'm around her, it is very hard to be myself. Because there's this part of me that just this, like, 13 year old, like, “you can't tell me what to do.”
Part of me just wants to push back, and I have to be really kind and compassionate with myself in those moments, and at the same time, that boundary has to be with me, with my inner teenager. You know, my mother-in-law does not get to dictate how I show up in this world.
My mother-in-law does not, you know, whatever energy she brings into the house, and it's not intentional, it's just this dynamic that's there, it's just there. There's acceptance there that can't control it. It's there. My only thing I can control is my reaction to it.
And that's a boundary too. You were mentioning before that giving up that control is very freeing and it's also incredibly empowering. When we start giving up our power to someone else, and hold those healthy boundaries, it can feel very empowering. Have you experienced that too?
Melissa: Oh yeah, definitely. It's what you said earlier, just taking that responsibility just for myself, right? And only having to worry about myself and just really focusing in on that and just letting go. It's like but the, it's just like the self respect I guess, you know, just giving myself permission to be okay with saying what I want and leaving it at that, right? And just being able to leave it at that really, because for so long that I struggled with.
Okay yes, I said my boundary, but then I would give her things where “ooh, should I take it back?” You know? It's you know, sort of backtrack on that, you know, I guess I'm thinking of just like that dance of learning how to set it right, learning how to set that boundary at the beginning.
Laura: So I feel like we've been kind of talking about boundaries in the theoretical sense, can we get really practical? So like what does it figure it out our values, where the lines are, what's important, what matters to us, what the deal breakers are, then how do we go about actually implementing and setting those boundaries with the people we love? What does that sound like?
Melissa: Yeah, I think being assertive is really, really important. So what's really clear, the difference between, you know, how we're going to implement the boundary. So in the past, I'll give you an example. My husband is a pack rat. He just loves to cover every single surface of our house. And so in the past, you know, pre-boundary setting me would have been like, “you need to clean up this clutter, it's an absolute disaster. I can't function like this.”
Whereas, that's a very reactive state versus being assertive and using an “I” statement like “I need, you know, the house, this space to be clutter free,” can't be the entire house and our house would have to compromise. But I need these spaces to be clutter free. You know, it's really stating what you need first and then, when you make that really clear and giving them a chance to respond with what they are willing to do versus you know, getting into this situation where it's blaming, then let’s say making it all about what they're doing, not what you need.
Laura: That's taking responsibility piece. So identifying what your actual needs are and the why’s too. So being able to say, you know, so when I walk into a room and every surface is cluttered, it really makes it hard for me to concentrate. It raises my anxiety level. I would really love to work with you to figure out some way we could have some of the surfaces be clear, you know? Or what is your thought on it without blame without shame. And really positioning as a, you’re recognizing like this is my stuff. Like I'm understanding that not everybody has the same reaction to a cluttered surface. This is my reaction to it. Here is the reaction. Can we work together to figure this out, right?
Melissa: Exactly. And the feelings are very important. As you said, Laura, like, because for so long I wasn't very comfortable sharing my feelings just because I thought my spouse wasn't going to care about what my feelings were. It was a story that I made up in my mind.
Laura: Yeah, I think we often have those stories from our childhood because it seemed as if our parents didn't care and then we're in a very familiar feeling, loving relationship and we make the conclusion that other people won't care too.
Melissa: Yeah. So I would come up with an approach of just do it, just get it done. And it was sort of like a petty tyrant, right? But when you really start opening up and having conversations about why, why it matters to you, and makes you, can make a tremendous difference, I think. And then the second thing I'll say is just, you know, is so important, learning how to say no when you don't want to do something many of us just say yes out of habit.
Laura: Or to avoid a conflict or…
Melissa: Or to avoid a conflict.
Laura:Or avoid disappointing someone.
Melissa: Or to look good, you know? Yes, I'll bake the brownies for the PTA and you know, I have zero time to do that. So it really is okay to say no. And I'm always practicing saying no without an explanation. That's too wise. No.
Laura: What does that sound like that? Like that pinged a little bit of anxiety in me. I can't. There's not a word for that like, but it totally did. It was like you guys can't see me, but I keep making the same thing. But what does no without an explanation sound like? This is groundbreaking.
Melissa: You know, “Thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I will not be able to do X, Y, Z.” Or just “No, I can't make it.” Simple as that. It is like in the beginning and sometimes, you know via text message, I find myself like going into the explanation and I'm like…..
Laura: Delete. Delete. Delete.
Melissa: Yes, yes. It’s okay. And I've got, I've got a friend who does a really great job of just modeling that too. Or she'll just say “thanks for thinking of me, maybe next time,” you know, or “that won't work for me.” I don't use that one as often. That one doesn't feel.
Laura: It's uncomfortable for you.
Melissa: Yeah, that one doesn't feel as comfortable for me. But there are plenty of ways to say no that I've even read. Of course they're not coming top of mind. It doesn't have to be like “no, period,” if that doesn't feel right to you. But sometimes it can't just be “no, period,” right?
Laura: Yeah. I do like the sandwiching approach that you were modeling. The sandwich, you sandwich the “No” with two positives.
Thank you so much for thinking of me.
That's not going to work out this time.
Feel free to circle back.
You know, or…
You know, I do want to support your effort, this is the way I'm available to support.
You know this or you know, or thanks so much for reaching out. I would love to spend more time with you.
I'm not available this weekend.
I look forward to catching up. Are you available to do X, Y and Z, that's within your boundary? So I like sandwiching a lot.
Melissa: Yes, so I had the opportunity to help my son out with some boundary setting recently.
Laura: Ooh I love that.
Melissa: Oh my goodness. It was like, “oh man, I really want to jump in and just save you here.” But I know that it's not the right thing to do. But he had a friend that kept stopping by unannounced and it really wasn't someone who he wanted to play with and he was getting very angry. And I was like, well we did some role playing and it was like I gave him a couple of different options and he's such a sweet kid. He's like, you know, I don't want to like say, you know, I'll play later because I probably don't want to play later.
You know, like we had a lot of back and forth around that. And so he was able to practice and he was able to nip it in the bud and then this is, this is someone he goes to school with as well. But he was even uncomfortable with the situation that happened at school and he let the little boy know, the friend know. But he went until the teacher, like when he couldn't handle it himself. It was such a proud mom moment to see him be able to really stand in what was comfortable for him because you see it on our kids, right? Where because they don't have that emotional regulation. He was just seething in anger every time this kid showed up. But not really wanting to say anything initially.
Laura: Because it's a tricky thing. This is the thing like we teach our kids from a very young age to not be exclusive right to include, include, include everybody is your friend. And it's really not teaching the best boundaries, right, when they're little. And so then, they get to be older and they know they're not supposed to not be friends with everybody.
We have personal preferences. There are people that just we don't jive with, that we don't want to spend time with and that's okay. So I mean part, like part of me wants parents be teaching kids this all along to check in with your internal compass. Is this a person you enjoy spending time with? And then, how do we set that boundary if they're not in a kind and loving way? You know, in a way that is respectful. Can I ask you like what was the final like way that your son delivered this boundary that you ended up role playing? Do you remember what the final… you wanted to use?
Melissa: I let him do it himself. So I think he, I think he chose to say, hey man, that's, I think he wanted to play baseball with him quite a bit. “I really just don't feel like it today.” I think was one of them he used and I think that he also… I did see it takes some time. It was a couple of drop drop and so I think he tried a couple of them. I think he said let's just play at school was one of them. And so I mean they were all very kind. You know, they weren't like eventually in the beginning that they weren't always kind of, you know, like just coming over here.
Laura: It's a skill like, like you're saying at the very beginning, it's a skill that needs to be practiced. You know, it's funny like as a kid, my mom was always willing to be kind of the bad guy and help me set boundaries by setting them for me. And I always really appreciated that as a kid who had a hard time hurting other people's feelings, who was nervous to stand up for myself in certain circumstances. For example, like I've always needed to go to bed early even as a teenager, I was like “nine o'clock lights out” and I always had friends who wanted to stay up and talk on the phone and I just, I couldn't manage to set that boundary myself.
And so my mom, like we would have a signal and she would yell, “Laura, get off the phone,” you know. And I think it's lovely to have someone who has your back, who you can depend on to help you with those things. But I also do wish she had coached me more in like what you did with your son and how to confidently set that boundary for yourself. I do think that that would have made boundary setting in my, you know, late teens and early college twenties, that would have made things a lot easier. I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of success, there's a balance that needs to be there, right?
Melissa: Absolutely. But that's the goal, right? The absolute goal is just to help him in situations because there's going to be a lot of situations coming down the line where, you know, we're not there.
Laura: Yeah, and he needs those skills. So these are low stakes moment where you're there to support him so that he can have those skills in high stakes moments, like when it's the choice to get into the car with a friend who's been drinking for example, like you want him to have healthy boundaries there, like, “no man, let's call an Uber,” you know? You want him to be able to confidently set those boundaries.
Melissa: Yes, absolutely. Oh my goodness, someone cringing thing about the teenage years,
Laura: They're coming for all of us. We need to lay the foundation now, like it's good stuff, you know? I think like, I really am glad that we circled into this conversation with our kids too, because this is part of, you know, part of what we believe here is that kids learn through modeling. So if we've been consistently setting healthy boundaries in front of our kids for ourselves, their whole lives, they will have information and resources about boundaries and then once they start getting into more and more situations, we can coach them and support them in figuring it out.
I think that balance though is really key. Like they need to know we’re there. Like, for example, like when my girls are at a party, like I want them to know, like I will be the bad guy for them. Like I will be the, you know, like that they can be like, “oh my mom, she's such a make believe.” Like that is fine with me, you know, if that's what they need. I have a feeling, I have one very, like, very good boundary setting daughter. My older one. I don't think that she's going to need that so much. I think she's going to be very confident in delivering her boundaries, but my other one might need a little bit more support.
Melissa: Yeah, but I think that I've heard you talk about this before, just the generational impact, right? You know, I learned boundaries in my thirties and you know, they don't, they don't have to go through so much of their life without having these skills. To me, that's just everything.
Laura: It's everything. Yeah, it's absolutely, it's…So these boundaries are good for us, but they're good for our kids and they're good for our entire lineage, right? So that future generations, it's beautiful work. Thank you Melissa so much for this conversation about boundaries. I feel like this was really helpful and I hope that it was good for you too.
Melissa: Oh yes. Thank you for having me. I've been having your reflections back on some of this is really helpful for me as well. So just a great conversation. I so appreciate the opportunity to be here.
Laura: Absolutely! Well, thank you for coming. I want to make sure that everybody knows where to find you. Do you want to drop your socials every, all the links of course will be in the show notes. But sometimes listeners like to hear out loud where to find people.
Melissa: Yeah. So I hang out mostly on Facebook and my um you can find me under Melissa Salmeron Coaching and there's a link to my group, which is where I like to have a lot of conversations and that sort of safe space with moms. And I also have a website, it's melissasalmeron.com. And yes, if you don't know how to spell it…
Laura: I will put that in the show notes.
Melissa: But yeah, this are the places to find me.
Laura: Awesome. Well, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experiences and your stories. It was really lovely to get to meet you and talk with you.
Melissa: Thank you, Laura.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
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Alright, that's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!