Episode 108: How to change your brain patterns to achieve your goals with Adele Spraggon
/I know that you are doing your best to improve on your parenting and I'm right there with you, doing the work myself and cheering you on! But when it comes to actually implementing all that you have learned up until now, it can be really difficult. And so, for this week's episode, we are going to learn how we can change our brain patterns to achieve our goals in parenting and in our lives.
To help me in this conversation, I have brought in, Adele Spraggon, a behavioral change expert and award-winning author. After decades of feeling stuck in patterns of procrastination, avoidance and quitting, all of which kept her from living her life to its greatest potential, Adele set out on a journey of discovery and learning. The result is the creation of her proprietary 4 Step Re-patterning Technique, which she delivers through a member portal called the Pattern Maker Hub. Today, She now works with thousands of people to help them attain high levels of happiness, peace of mind, prosperity, goal achievement, and life fulfillment.
Here is an overview of our discussion:
What awareness looks like when we realize we are reacting out of habit or old patterns
The root cause of procrastination or overwhelm
Brain pattern changes we can start implementing today to achieve our goals
To get more resources, follow Adele on social media and visit her website.
Instagram: @adelespraggon
Facebook Page: Adele Spraggon Repatternist
Website: www.adelespraggon.com
Grab a copy of her book Shift: 4 Steps to Personal Empowerment HERE.
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody, this is Dr. Laura Froyen. And on this episode of the Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be learning and diving deep into how to change our brain patterns to achieve our goals and to have this conversation. I am going to bring in a behavioral change expert, Adele Spraggon, and we're going to have this conversation and we're going to apply it to things in our own personal lives, changes that we want to be making in our own behavior, but also the changes that we want to be making as parents. I'm really excited for this conversation.
I know lots of, you know exactly what you're supposed to be doing and your parenting and then when it comes to actually implementing it and actually having the interactions that you want to be having with your kids that can be really hard and we're going to dive deep into why that's so hard and how to actually make lasting change. So Adele, thank you so much for having this conversation with me. I'm so excited for it. Will you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do?
Adele: Oh, I'd love to Laura. So as you said, my name is Adele spray gun and I'm a behavioral change expert. Yes. I'm also, you could say, a thought leader. So you know, I've been in the personal development industry Laura for about 30 years now and in the beginning initially like everybody, I was using typical mindset techniques in order to apply what I was learning in personal development and I was teaching in this way too.
I was teaching mindset, I was teaching positive thinking and you know application and commitment and goal setting and all the typical things that we learned. But after about 10 years I started to realize something. I started to realize that my participants were not getting the results that they were hoping to get. So even though they knew what to do, they had a very difficult time applying what it is that they knew to do and I started to wonder why.
So I enrolled in university and I got to say Laura, I was exactly the same. I I had this terrible pattern of quitting and procrastinating and no matter how much mindset tools I kept applying, I couldn't break free of these patterns. So I applied to University and I went and I got my Masters in Humanities because I wanted to study how does this human brain think. And so I studied it from all different angles and I started to realize, oh hang on. Our brain runs on patterns. It doesn't run on thoughts or beliefs or anything like that, it is wired in a particular way.
And those patterns we adopt, I should say when were little, you know, and we're learning different things and we face different situations and each situation we face, our brain builds a pattern for that situation and then that's what we continue to use going on in life. And so I started to realize, oh, okay, the reason that my participants can't apply this mindset t tools and get where they want to go is because we're actually working on the wrong thing. We're starting with our thoughts and we need to be starting with the pattern itself.
Once we can change the pattern and upgrade it, then it's easy to take those actions right? So I did a deep dive into my own mind and I had a lot of background doing that because I was also a meditation facilitator, so I could observe my own mind very well and I noticed something surprising that is now only recently been backed up by neuroscience and that is that the action I was taking was actually occurring a fraction of a second before my conscious mind caught up to the fact that I was taking that action.
So I would say something, right, do something, be something, behave in a particular way. And then my mind would say, oh yeah, that is because and add the story on why I was doing that right. Once I uncovered that I went okay, now I know exactly what we need to do. And so I devised this method which is a four step method which dives deep into the pattern and changes the pattern and starts in the subconscious rather than in the conscious mind. And so yeah, just to sum up, that's what I do.
Laura: I love talking about this, this is something that actually talked about on the show before, that these patterns, these subconscious patterns are laid down in childhood and over time and because our brain loves efficiency, our brain doesn't like things to be, you know, cumbersome, It really wants to move fast, they rely on those patterns, the brain really relies on that a lot and so it can be really hard to become aware of our patterns, right?
So like where is the first step for someone who's just starting out and is in that place where they're realizing like they're reacting out of habit and out of a pattern and they're starting to become aware of it. What does that awareness look like?
Adele: Yeah. So you know, I'll start with an example because that might be the easiest way to understand how to start upgrading the patterns. I worked with one couple and they were really struggling to raise their Children and a lot of the conflicts between them were all around parenting issues. She herself was a coach and she very much wanted to be in support of the kids and be on their side.
And he was very much the disciplinarian who wanted everything to run efficiently. And so they batted heads often often often. And one of the things that really, really frustrated her was he, I couldn't stand at being late, I mean, so this is how bad it got dinner would be ready and he would go to the bottom of the stairs, never walk up the stairs, always stand at the bottom of the stairs screaming up the stairs, dinner's ready.
And if the kids didn't bolt out of their rooms, he would start screaming again and yelling again and yelling again until they got down there and this used to drive her crazy and even though he would promise he would say things like, yeah, yeah, I'll never do that again. And yeah, I understand. I know, I know I'm being a bad parent and all of this stuff, he couldn't stop this particular pattern of doing this. So I suggested to him, I said, okay, we're not gonna dig back into your childhood to figure out why you're doing this. That that's inefficient, okay, we're gonna start right from now and what it is that you're doing. I said to him, tell me how you feel when you think about those kids not coming down those stairs.
And he noticed his emotion was one of complete frustration, rage, anger. And I asked him, okay, so where is that in the body? Where are you feeling that? And he said, oh my gosh, like I, you know, I just want to clench my fists and just burst. And I said perfect, that is a pattern. So a pattern. What we need to know about patterns is that they're not just mental, their physical, emotional and mental at the same time, remember I said that my actions were coming before my conscious mind caught up. That's because my physical emotion is actually arising first within the pattern and then the mind is along for a ride, it comes in after that emotional reaction.
Laura: It's making sense of what we're doing with our bodies and
Adele: Yes
Laura: Yeah
Adele: Exactly, exactly. So when he was able to see that he could see, oh yeah, like I'm really not reacting to the kids, I'm reacting to my internal pattern. We started to flip that switch. So he used to think that that was the situation that was giving rise to those feelings, those reactions. What we did was we flip the switch and we said okay, the pattern is giving rise to the reaction. It's a rising internally, not based on what's going on outside.
And that had him able to start the process of removing that pattern because that's the first step that we need to do. It's not what should you do? That's the wrong question. What are you doing? And does it work? And if it doesn't work, we're just going to remove it, we're gonna get rid of that first before we even start to put anything else in the box.
Laura: Okay. Yes, now, so I really love this idea of situating the source of the pattern or the source of the problem within ourselves. It can be really hard and vulnerable to do, to recognize that this is coming from within us. I think that when our kids or our partners trigger us, it's much more comfortable to say there's something wrong with them. They're making me feel this way and they're triggering me.
But whenever we are triggered, the work is within us, right? So I love that you're really helping someone switch very compassionately to viewing them this issue without blame, shame, judgment or guilt, but just kind of very fact based this pattern starts in here, it starts inside, you know, regardless of what's happening outside, it's the locus of control where we have power to change is within us, right?
Adele: Yes, exactly. And one of the key things that I see is occurring in today's the world, I'm just going to say overarching world is we tend to judge a lot through, Is that the right thing to do? And the problem with that is it takes it out of context in the right situation that father screaming at his kids is absolutely correct, get out of the road right, you need to take that level of democratic, I'm taking charge, you know, do it now, right, That's absolutely correct. And when we take things out of context and we start to see is that right? Or is that wrong? It gets all screwed up in our heads, because now we gotta figure out what's the right thing to do instead of just asking, is this working, doesn't he? And there's no blame or shame and is this working? Is this actually accomplishing what I'm trying to accomplish?
Which in his case, when I asked him that he said no, because what I really want is to have my kids want to come down to the table and enjoy having dinner with me and want to be with me and he said, and frankly they're hiding in their rooms, like I can't even get them out of their rooms most of the time and when they do come, they come begrudgingly and they're rebelling and they're angry and he said no it's not working. So I said okay great, there's no blame or shame. Like you said right, there's nothing wrong here. Our job is just to remove what isn't working and you're right, that's such a gentle way of doing things.
Laura: okay. Yes. Absolutely. And I think that we're applying this to a parenting moment and absolutely one of the very first questions I asked parents when they start talking about kind of what they're doing and wanting to make changes is you know, is it working for you? Because if it's working there's not much, you know, I don't know that you need to change it, Like does it feel right?
Does it feel in alignment with what you want, how you want to be? Is it actually getting you the results you want? If the answer is yes, don't change it. And this comes up a lot for sleep with parents, parents who are worried about co-sleeping and sleeping with their you know bed sharing with their kids and they think they shouldn't and really it's all up down too if it's working. So I love this, how does this apply to other aspects of our life. So we've been talking a lot about parenting but what about you know things like you know being able to stay on top of what's going on in your home? Other things like, cause feelings of overwhelm and stress.
Adele: Yeah, perfect. I mean that it applies everywhere actually, because everything that we do is the result of a brain pattern, there isn't a single thing/action that we take that doesn't have an underlying brain pattern that is taking that action. And so if we're procrastinating, if we're overwhelmed, if we're being ineffective at work, I was quitting, I kept quitting business after business after business. I couldn't understand why and why is the wrong question, because the mind will always create a story of why, and it will always seem reasonable to the mind, we gotta stop asking why, it's just what am I doing and doesn't work? Right?
So, you know, in my pattern of quitting, I was consistently initially asking why and I always had an excuse, oh yeah, it was this business partner or oh yeah, the the idea wasn't good and over and over again, but when I stopped asking why and just started to ask does this work? I went, no, this isn't working for me at all. So let's address the underlying pattern, but I do need to go back to that question, Does it work? Because that is actually a very difficult question sometimes to answer. So let's ask it differently, Does it work for everybody involved? Does it work for my spouse? Doesn't work for the kids, it doesn't work for me, because he could easily have said, Yeah, it works.
The kids come down when he started to ask, does that work for the kids? He went, no. Is that working for my spouse? No, like we're constantly fighting. So because this conflict, it's not working somewhere, it's not working now. The beautiful thing about re patterning is we don't need to know the solution. That's going to be really tricky for your audience to understand. Okay, so let me back up, if you think of your brain as an iceberg, and at the bottom of the water are all your brain patterns, and at the top of the water is everything.
You do everything you feel everything you think flows out of one of those patterns or pattern gives rise to an action or behavior or belief. If we start looking for the solution, can you see how we just keep dipping into the same pattern box over and over again? Does that make sense? Okay, so if the solution was in your brain patterning as it is right now, you wouldn't have the problem and that's really important to understand. It's like the problem, The solution isn't in there.
So we keep scrambling around inside this pattern box trying to pull out the solution and we just keep pulling out problem after problem after problem because we don't have it. So we need to let go of the thought, how do I fix this? That's the wrong question. How do I remove this problem?
Laura: Okay, great. So you're reminding me of an analogy that I use for working with behaviorally challenging kids, You're the “how do I fix this?” Is it like treating a symptom? You're asking people to dig under and find the root cause and cure the underlying illness rather than trying to treat a symptom.
Adele: Exactly, exactly. Now, the beautiful thing is I'm going to give you something really amazing about this brain of ours, in the unconscious is stored everything that you have ever seen, heard, tasted smelled and touched in your lifetime. And you know this because if you come across the smell, did you ever notice that it takes you back to an incident in your childhood and you go, I forgot all about that. Okay. Or you know, so we're constantly in here, it's stored everything, but we need to get it into patterns and until we get it into patterns, we will not have the solution.
Now, why can't we tap into that vast warehouse within and pull out the solution? Right now? It's because, like you say, the brain is a little bit lazy and once it's created one of those neural pathways, it much prefers that we just stick with that. Right, okay, that'll do. So we need to first tease apart that neural pathway. As soon as we do though, your brain will not have an open pathway, just void of anything, just floating around the brain, it's immediately going to snap into a new channel and where is it going to go when it snaps into a news channel, it's gonna dip into that vast warehouse.
Hopefully I haven't lost you. But the point here is that we do have the solutions inside of us. We have a lot more, every human being on this planet who has reached adulthood has massive quantities of available knowledge, which is not yet in the form of knowledge trapped inside this vast warehouse yet, which is not plugged in. And as soon as we upgrade those patterns though, all of that past experience becomes fodder or grist for the mill, right, and it's from there that your brain is going to start creating solutions and so you know, let's go back to, to my couple and him yelling at the bottom of the stairs.
As soon as he upgraded that pattern, his brain teased apart that channel, snapped it into a new channel and boom, he suddenly became aware of why he was yelling at the bottom of the stairs. He had this flashback to his mother, constantly telling him you're late, you're late, you're late. And this anxiety that would build in him every time that clock was ticking and that's when he was reacting to but it was hidden from him until he upgraded the pattern.
So the first thing the new pattern showed him was why he was doing what he was doing, which was amazingly revealing for him. But the second thing that allowed him to do is it allowed him to totally relax because the new channel in the brain was not reacting in the same way it was now responding to the actual situation he was in which is the kids in the room.
Laura: Right? So I just want to even highlight, pull out a little bit there for in this scenario with your client, for our listeners when we're being yelled at as little children, our nervous systems are activated. It's a stressful situation that we're in when we're being yelled at by a caregiver. You know, you're late, you're late. That, you know, and we don't even have to have a specific memory of that happening.
But he was thrown into the same physiological state when so what you're saying is that there is this pattern around lateness that his body would get into. He's thrown into that physiological state that he didn't even necessarily understand or remember at the time for years he would be thrown into the state of stress of that kind of stress response system. His nervous system being activated in that same way.
That's what a trigger is. Right? That's what it is. That's what it does. It's a situation and external situation triggers within us of familiar physiological state that we then go and make sense of and try to deal with in some oftentimes in unhealthy ways. And so then what does he do then? Like in that moment where, so he's realized this physiological state that I'm experiencing right now in the moment with my kids when they're not coming to the dinner table has nothing to do with my kids and everything to do with just my body. Like what do you do next?
Adele: Yeah, great question. So let me put it this way, when you're in the situation, it's kind of a little bit too late because the information is already running but down that channel and it's hard to pull the train back, right? Okay, so what we do with repatterning is we don't wait for the situation. We imagine the kids not coming down for dinner and we notice what occurs in the body in that moment, inside our imagination. So now we're a little bit removed, were a little bit detached from the actual situation.
And that allows us to start removing that pattern in that place. So there's four steps to repatterning. The first step is just identify what is going on. What am I feeling? Where do I feel that in the body? And what am I thinking? As I think about that situation as I imagine myself in that situation. That's step one, identify. Step two is own it. Remember I said we're going to flip the switch, it's not actually happening out there, it's happening in you.
So we're just gonna flip that switch and own it as a pattern. The third step is to detachment, get into the body. Remember I said that the pattern is initiated in the body and the physical sensations that you're saying that physiological shift, it's occurring there. So we're not going to use this mind of ours at all. I like to say the conscious mind is the dumb cousin of the unconscious.
Okay, the subconscious. So let's get out of this thing because it's not really helping us. So we're going to use the body and with detachment, we're just going to observe that body as it does its thing as it that rage starts to build. We're just going to be very detached and just observe it. Now let me say something.
Laura: That's a beautiful use of mindfulness by the way, like...
Adele: Yes, non identified, you know, mindfulness. Beautiful.
Adele: Yes. Yes. Yes. And it's a state of surrender and surrender at the level of pattern is the most powerful thing. We can do surrender at the level of action behaviors, beliefs is giving up, Oh, I just can't do anything about this. I'm just going to throw in the white towel, right? But surrender. The level of pattern is something extremely powerful because it allows us to stop running that pattern and observed two different realities arising at the same time. The first reality is the reality of the pattern itself, That anger that they're late. They're disrespecting me, this is terrible. That's short, that's happening inside the brain that is a real reality and we don't make that wrong.
But the second reality is the reality of what's actually occurring in this current moment, which is nothing to do with the past and his mother and all of that stuff. It's it's the actual situation of based in this family, these kids, his relationship with his kids, his wife and that reality is hidden from the conscious mind, but available in the subconscious and when we surrender those two realities don't line up and the pattern just collapses and it's beautiful to watch because the person surprises themselves when they just don't react in the same way.
So he was just absolutely delighted the day that he just stopped yelling. He actually walked up the stairs, didn't even realize it because remember action is coming before thought walks up the stairs and knocked on the door, Dennis ready kids in this delightful voice and it shifted from that moment on and so yes, so that's step three, I got distracted and then step four is to then upgrade that pattern to create those new patterns that comes only after we've removed the existing ones.
Laura: Oh, it's beautiful. Okay, so listeners, you've had heard from lots of different guests teach lots of different ways to do this exact thing and there's lots of different terminology, but Adele you're getting really beautifully to your stripping away a lot of the jargon and really coming helping a parent come to understand that in the midst of a trigger, there's this, these two paths that are running in our brain, there's what we think is happening or what our body thinks is happening. The story that we're telling ourselves.
There's lots of different ways to talk about this, that people have heard that different experts use different jargon, you know, that there's this this interpretation, this story, there's this kind of parallel track and then there's reality of what's actually happening, and this is so applicable to almost all interactions that we have with whether it's with a partner, a child with your own parents, like we get caught up in these stories and these patterns and we just react out of habit becoming aware of, okay, so this is the what we think is happening or what our body thinks is happening, and then dropping into the present moment of what is actually happening, or my kids actually disrespecting me, you know, is my partner actually telling me that he doesn't care about me or love me, is my dad actually telling me that he thinks I'm incompetent, you know, is that actually what's happening right now, and most of the time it's not true.
Adele: And sometimes Laura it is true, but but again, we need to come back to our own patterns and not from a position to blame my shame, it's like, okay, what brought me here, what is allowing me to be disrespected, right? I mean, I have been in, in situations where yes, I have been in relationships where I was disrespected and when we just step back from, you know, I'm bad or there's something wrong with me and all of those things that we tend to throw on ourselves and instead just ask, okay, what patterns were running that got me here, right, and what do I need to remove in order to not react in this way in the future? That's super powerful because people transform some amazingly complicated and conflicted relationships by doing that by just owning Yeah, okay. I mean, I'm not enjoying the situation I'm in, but at least it's mine. At least I can own it there and that's powerful.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely. And then of course, just you know, the important caveat that that doesn't excuse abusive behavior.
Adele: Absolutely, yes, thank you for adding that.
Laura: But being able to step into empowered place so that you are able to respond rather than just react out of old habits. Yes, I know that most of the parents that I work with, that's what they want to be able to do in all of their relationships and in the relationship with themselves, they want to stop feeling like they are just reacting to what's happening to them and start feeling like they are more intentional and present that they are responsive in whatever situation that they are in, that there truly there and choosing for themselves, a response that is in alignment with what they truly believe about themselves and their family versus old patterns, old beliefs that were handed to them that weren't there choice.
Adele: Yes, absolutely. And, you know, one of the beautiful things about re-patterning is it also comes with this feeling of deep trust, as you're saying, the ability to trust yourself no, know in your heart that you are going to make the right choice for this situation. And that doesn't come from determining what that right action should be. Because that doesn't that takes it out of context, that takes it out of the actual situation. Everybody knows when they are repatterning, that they will respond ideally optimally, for the situation at hand.
How does that happen? Because past created patterns are actually responding to a different situation, a situation that occurred in the past. If we go back to my client, he was responding to his mother, he wasn't responding to the kids. And so that the situation with his mother kept actually overriding the situation that he was in today, when, you know how to upgrade those patterns though, you're actually responding in alignment with what's actually going on, what's actually happening in your situation.
And so, the peace of mind, the joy, the connection to what's actually going on is what the Buddhist masters have been calling enlightenment, and in a way that's the State, you know, Science today has said, our brains are wired for enlightened thought, right, dr Andrew Newberg, I don't know if you know him, but he has this great book called The Enlightened Brain and that's what he's he's uncovered through brain scanners, is our brain is actually wired to be in the moment.
We just have been educated to think that we've got to pull everything from the past and figure it all out. If we stop doing that, our brain will naturally align you. I mean, if you have the tools to do it, you need the proper techniques naturally align you with what's going on. And it's a beautiful space of pure trust, as you're saying.
Laura: Absolutely. And I think something else that a lot of parents that I speak to and interact with, I feel like they can't do this really powerful repatterning work because they don't have memories of their childhood.
They don't have active conscious memories of where those patterns came from, and I really appreciate a doll, you're bringing this method and so that we can hold it to the light and look at it for those families in particular who feel like they can't advance their parenting or their, you know, have healthy relationships because they don't remember where the patterns got started. I love that you're saying that you really don't need to I think in this example with the dad that we're we've been talking about. I don't even know that he would have needed to have have that memory resurfaced in order to do this powerful work. I see you shaking your head fingers.
Adele: Exactly. He did not. In fact, I always say insight is cheap. I know all about your childhood if you want, but I'll tell you most of the time your conscious mind is making it up anyway. So it doesn't really mean anything. I barely remembered any of my childhood until I started re patterning most of my childhood was blocked off for me. But like I said, it's stored in that there's a reason for that for most people remember their childhood.
Laura: There's a reason for that for most people remembering their childhood there's a reason.
Adele: Absolutely a lot of times it's trauma.
Laura: Your brain is so good at protecting you two. Right, right, good. I really believe in speaking love over our brains. Like our brains are just so beautiful, like, you know, good at protecting us, so good at serving us. We just have to know just how to harness them and put that put the brain to work for us. You know?
Adele: Absolutely. That this tool that we have in our head, it is truly remarkable.
Laura: It's magical. It is, it's beautiful.
Adele: Yeah, so I 100% agree with you. In fact, I always suggest don't go digging in the past trying to find the originating incident. Your brain would find something, but as I said, most of the time it just make something up and now, you know, okay, Laura, I'm going to say something and I hope I don't lose your listener notice how now you actually have two problems, you have the situation and your reaction today, and then you have the past situation that now needs to be corrected as well.
So now you're just adding another problem. Okay, so let's stop doing that. We're gonna stay right here now in this moment. I'm going to deal with it powerfully now in this moment. And if your mind remembers this, the originating situation is great, if it doesn't great, it makes no difference because you will be powerful in the moment.
Laura: I think that that's so important. I'm so glad that you said that because again, I know a lot of listeners are what if they do have memories, if they do have some understanding of where these patterns got started, of the trauma of their past, of really rough hard childhoods, they hang their growth and their progress on fixing or making up or forgiveness or some kind of mending of those old wounds.
They and they hang it and and again, like there, we've been talking a lot today about situating ourselves empowering ourselves and when we do that, when we make our future growth, our progress, our improvement dependent on someone else apologizing or recognizing or taking responsibility for what they did. We strip ourselves, I think of our power, I love what you're saying that that is unnecessary to go back there and get that whatever it is that we're seeking. I mean, it's fine to want, it makes sense to want it to desperately want it because at the end of the day, we all want our parents to love us unconditionally.
And it makes sense to want to go back and get that repaired. But sometimes we can't, sometimes it's unavailable and it's really important to separate those two things. You know, like yes, fine. That's something to think strive for and stuff. But don't hang your progress on it. Do you know what I don't I don't know. I feel like.
Adele: I oh, I totally get what you're saying and if I can use myself as an example, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to lead with it. It was like my coaches would be saying, Adele like go out there and be powerful and in my mind I would be thinking, no, you don't understand. You don't know what I've been through. You're asking too much for me. And at the time I so felt like that. I mean, I it was so much my reality.
And it was I think looking back reflecting back, I think it's because I was taught that I needed to fix that originating incident before I could go forward. And so I was consistently trying to work on the past rather than just looking into my future. And so, you know, part of the re patterning technique that I teach is it's okay. Like whatever you went through is in your vast warehouse and from there is where you're gonna get your power and I know that sometimes that is so painful, right? So painful.
But it is also the root of compassion and empathy and everything else that as human beings that brings us together. Because if we can if we have been through pain then we know pain and we know it whether it's in ourselves or in somebody else and it's from there that we can build those deep, deep connections when we know how to upgrade our brain patterns and stop allowing that past to affect us.
Laura: I so agree. And that's not to say that that's easy. Like it's not to say it can be incredibly hard and difficult and painful and take time to come to a place of acceptance that there's things in our past that are that we cannot change that will never be gone because it happens their reality. And at the same time, we don't have to be shackled to them. They don't have to drive our future.
Adele: They can actually be the source of a new future. If we know how to deal with it. If we are gentle with ourselves, if you never needed compassion, you don't know how to give compassion if you never needed to be heard, you never learn how to hear. And so yes, those pasts are painful, but they're also the source of everything that we care deeply about this world, which is love and connection and relationships.
Laura: Yeah, absolutely.
Adele: Like I said, you're gonna have to do a lot of it.
Laura: You're fine. Don't worry. It's okay. I mean, honestly, I I think sometimes it's good for people to hear that we don't always say things perfectly that there are hiccups and the times where we have to get our thoughts straight. So I think that that's okay. I don't mind modeling that for my audience. I think it's good for them to hear, you know, that we don't it's not always a picture perfect, perfectly delivered line, you know. Right. I've really enjoyed this conversation adult. Thank you for bringing your wisdom and experience and knowledge to our show to our community. I'm curious you have a book that teaches this is where folks can dive deeper too, right?
Adele: Yes.
Laura: And I'd love to learn from you more.
Adele: Absolutely. If anybody would like a free copy of my book, all I ask is that they pay for shipping. You can go to www.shift4steps That's the number four dot com. And there's a button there and there's also some free training on there too. If anybody wants to know more about repatterning and yeah, I'd love to send you an autographed copy and I'm here just to spread the word like there's a re patterning is so powerful and it brings so much peace and so much joy, I think that we all need it. So if you're, if you're a reader who wants a copy of my book, I would love to give it .
Laura: Awesome. Well thank you so much Adele. Thank you. I really, really appreciate it.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this