Bonus: Live Coaching: How to Finally Stop Using Bribes, Threats, & Control in Your Parenting
/One of the perks of being a member of this community is that members will have an opportunity to come on the podcast where they share their experiences and get free coaching with me! If you are interested in joining us and getting access to the other benefits (like weekly Office Hours!), just send me an email at laura@laurafroyen.com or my assistant, Eugene, at team@laurafryoen.com and we will give you the details!
In this Live Coaching episode, I had the opportunity to work with a wonderful mom who is interested in diving deep into conscious parenting. You see, she's been working hard on improving how she parents and I am really excited to share our conversation on how to finally stop using bribes, threats, and control. I hope that listening to our conversation may help you learn to make mindful shifts in your parenting.
If you want to learn more, follow me on Instagram @laurafroyenphd.
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody! On this episode of The Balanced Parent, we are going to be talking with one of my clients and community members. Uh this is a perk of being in my balancing new membership and this mom is oh my gosh, just a wonderful parent, a joy to have in my courses and programs and one of the things you're gonna see here is that she's really coachable that she really takes feedback to heart.
She's really interested in diving deep and she's been working really hard on conscious parenting and I'm really excited for this conversation because she's found something that's sticky, something that's lingering, that's really getting hard, you know, just as staying in her vocabulary when she doesn't want it there. And so we're gonna dig into that. And so I hope that this conversation is really helpful for you and join me in welcoming Iram to the show. Hi Iram, how are you doing?
Iram: Hi Laura, how are you?
Laura: Good. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your journey with us. I just want to say that it is a vulnerable, brave thing to do to be open and honest and put your journey out to the public like this. I really appreciate it.
Iram: Thank you for giving me the opportunity. I love the word vulnerability. It's something that I've since Covid have really been taking to heart because I think it's important that we don't show perfection because what really is perfection, right? I don't think it truly exists. I think when we strive for that, we just heard ourselves and people around us.
Laura: You know, perfection is an attempt to be loved and accepted, which of course is the human condition that's what we all want. So, it makes sense that people try to get that through perfection.
I know I have for years and still recovering. I'm still identify as a recovering perfectionist and so it's natural to be that way and at the same time, it's really hard to grow and change when you can't make any mistakes, you know? Yeah. Okay, so Iram, why don't you just tell us a little bit about your family and what's going on and some of the work you've been doing and where your struggle is today.
Iram: You know, I am a mom of two spirited girl. My older one has really been my best teacher. 2nd, I think I knew I was pregnant, like everything went out the window, like all the things I thought I was going to be doing, everything went out the window and she's really been my best teacher. My younger one is also very spirited in a different way.
She's mellow at times. I want to give them the best as much as I can. Not always there. I feel like since I became a mother of 5 and a half years ago, I really am trying to be conscious of my parenting and it's not easy. It's oh my goodness, days where I am a couch potato, you know, because my brain is over tired. One of the things that I feel like
Laura: I wait, hold on, let's just pause there for a second. I want you to know that it is okay to rest.. You know, in our society, we focus so much on productivity and what you got done and sometimes resting is the thing that needs to get done and that's okay.
Iram:I still struggle with shame around resting, but I'm working on it.
Laura: Covid has been a good teacher for lots of us in that way.
Iram: The one thing that I feel pretty confident and good that I worked together with my girls and their personalities instead of working against them. There is one thing, however, I've been paying more attention that I as my older one is getting older and you know, it's all mental work with them as they get older because they can answer you, they can challenge you. And I get stuck with, I want to say manipulation or control, which I really don't like.
I remember as a kid that that was a common thing that was done and I absolutely hated it. And it shocks me that I just do it so naturally with my own Children. And then when I sit down and reflect like, where do I see that I need to grow? And I, this is one thing that I it's working me, it's like getting under my skin. It's really important for internal motivation to instill that or to model or coach my kids rather than external rewards and punishments.
And I feel like this kind of falls in line with that where I will tell her well, if you don't do this, you can't have that, you know, or I changed my mind, we can't do this anymore. And as you know, as a mom, I think you're a mom of a spirited child as well. You can rock the boat right?
Laura: Because it feels like control to them. It feels like manipulation.
Iram: and I feel it in my bones like why am I doing that? But I'm just doing it. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't sit right with me. However I'm doing it like it's not not a big deal, like I'm not proud of it.
Laura: Yeah. Well can we dig there for just a second? Because I want to let you know that it might be surprising to you that that you would have experienced that so negatively growing up when it was done to you as a child. And it seems like there's a disconnect there that like if I didn't like that as a kid, why am I doing that to my own kids?
But to me it makes complete sense that that's what you would do because we only know what we know, right? So the habit pattern, the programming. So when we're little, our brains are like computers, right? And the way we were parented is what gets hardwired into the computer. You know, like when you get a computer there is already programs installed, right? You know? And like as you start using it, you realize like, oh, I don't really like that program. I'm going to go out and look for another one and you download some software, right?
But the the way we were parented is what's hard wired into our beautiful computer brains, right? And so in situations where an adult or an authority figure isn't getting what they want. The pattern, the program is like, oh, if this is happening, apply this method. The method that was applied to you and your software just needs updating which you've been working on for years with me with other folks on your own.
You've been doing a really great job working. But these programming and patterns, they're tricky. They're sticky. So here's the thing about them that was example or an analogy that's super cold, right? So it's very clinical and you know, very technical. But the programming in us is not that way. This program is also rooted in our hearts and our souls and love and fear of losing love. Right? So when you were a kid and that manipulation was handed to you, those threats were handed to you shame was handed to you. How did you respond to that as a child? What did you do?
Iram: It broke my spirit. You know, as an adult, I turned 35 this year and I'm still trying to figure out who I am. You know, I'm a recovering codependent. Melody puts it in words. The hard part is is with the parenting is I'm still trying to parent myself while I'm parenting my kids and it's exhausting. It's like things where I'm like throwing out the window like, you know what I'm doing everything else. But time to address it up. My daughter is getting older. I don't want to cultivate that relationship with her.
Laura:Yeah, absolutely.
Iram: Respect is important. Appreciation is important when she looks back. I want her to feel in her bones that mama loved me, mama respected me. That's important for me.
Laura: Of course. Absolutely. And I think we can all relate to that. And at the same time, you know, when you were a kid and these things were handed to you, you had to lock away parts of yourself. Right? So that those things teach us those interactions with our parents, teach us about ourselves.
We are young kids are learning about what parts of me are acceptable and lovable and what parts of me are not okay, what parts of me are going to put me at risk, right of losing love. And it's not conscious, this happens unconsciously. And it's starting to happen very young as kids move into the late, you know, toddlers, preschool ages. That's when this all starts around four and five.
And so it's lovely that you are concerned about this now with your kiddo. But it's important to remember that inside you, there's a little one who's worried if they're lovable and who has these parts that they've been walking away for a long time. You know, and then we're faced with a child who perhaps echoes them a little bit. You see yourself and your daughter.
Iram: Absolutely. I think she is that spirited child that it's possible I was I once was, but it was you know, my mom did the best she could whatever resources, you know, being an immigrant family, they had a lot. I'm privileged to have more time to address this. You know, when you're thinking of survival, you don't have time for this kind of stuff. So if there's anyone out there that's listening and they can't do the work right now, it's okay.
Like I wanna I want a place of privilege. And when I reflect back on what my mom did, I'm still amazed with the lack of resources and sometimes support even acceptance for her own self. You know, if I am who I am today, it's because she allowed those little moments a burst of who her authentic self was and I think I clung to that and I'm fortunate that I have that, you know, I come from a very long line of strong women and I want to instill the good parts for my daughters and at the same time, but I want to show them their lovable, They are strong, they can trust themselves.
You know, I think we're all born with inner wisdom like this voice that I think consciously and subconsciously parents kind of diminished that parenting from within talks about it like we don't even realize, but we kind of squash that down and I don't want to do that. That is like one of my anchors that I want to instill in both of them and when I start using shame or control. I know I'm going against them bringing myself back to my core values.
Like this is what I want for my daughters. This is what I want for our family, not just them. I want to treat my husband the same way I want to treat myself the same way. You know the family dynamic, we can teach them all you want. But if you're not modeling it.
Laura: Oh my gosh! Okay, so for these two, you're spilling so much wisdom all over us right now. It's so beautiful. Thank you so much. So you mentioned our work together and parenting from within which is a group coaching program. So I just wanted people to know that that's available to them.
But there's two things here that I feel like we could go both directions and I hope we have time. So the first one is you are talking about compassion for your mom, love and acceptance for her that she was doing the very best that she could. I wanted to take that one step further. That if you take a look at what she was doing, even those moments where she manipulated or threatened or shamed, you can we assume that she was trying to protect you, trying to keep you safe? The best way she knew how?
Iram: Absolutely. There's no doubt in my mind.
Laura: Absolutely. And so then when those parts come up within you, right, that are shaming towards your kiddos, those parts only know how to protect in that way that your mom did? You know what I mean? Okay, so when we think about it that way we can think about like so you also mentioned treating yourself well and re parenting yourself well and not using shame and blame on yourself as you're making changes and this is where it's this wraparound support is so important because we can't make those changes externally with our kids and we're still using that same shame and blame language with ourselves, right?
And the key thing is is that inner critic, the one who really is harsh with us when we show up in ways that historically we were told we weren't ok, you know, in those parts of ourselves show up that inner critic is just like your mom doing the best dang job they can to keep you safe. Does that make sense? Does that resonate with you? Okay? And so then we also, we have this inner critic who's doing this job of keeping you safe, right of trying, you know, to do, you know, who is tasked with this job of keeping the system within you safe.
And then we also have this habit response that's aimed at keeping your kids safe in the only way, you know how do this or else if you don't do this right now this will happen. That's the patterning, right? That's the programming and so what do you think? Do you think that the first task is to re-pattern that within yourself and the way you talk to yourself? Do you think you need to re-pattern it with the way you talk to your kids both at the same time? Like what do you think? What? Because you are so wise, you have so much intuition.
Iram: it is something that I've been working on shame and judgment. I have a really great therapist that I've been working with for about a year now and I finally am sort of like coming above water a little bit about in terms of shame and judgment. It's hard though because everyone around you will find a way to shame or judge you and then you fall back on old habits.
So yes, I think that the more I do the work for myself, it gets easier I think for me to start doing the work on myself, that's how becoming aware that this is something that I don't want to continue. I don't know if that makes sense. But before that I was just doing it, I wasn't even thinking about it, but now I don't like that, you know why did I say that to her? Why am I doing that? But I'm doing it.
Laura: Yeah. So the very first, like you're at the step, you're at the awareness step, right? That's the first step to any change process and when you are noticing that, how in that, like when you notice, like we have like a parenting cringe moment, do you know? Like I have those too and I'm like, oh dang could have said that differently.
You know, when you have those cringe moments, you all can't see us. But I'm like contracting like it's like, you know, like a cringe when you have that moment, what would feel good, right then? How could you be kind to yourself, right in that moment? What would feel good?
Iram: You know, I'm aware of just knowing that I'm aware and that it's something trust that I'm aware of it. It's something that I've got to change and I trust myself that I'm going to get their overnight because you have to unlearn something that's embedded in you, right? As part of your core D. N. A. And now you're rewiring yourself.
Laura:Yes.
Iram: Like, I feel like that's been my entire parenting journey is rewiring constantly.
Laura: So, you know, so you just wrote yourself some beautiful affirmations. Did you know that that you wrote yourself some affirmations there. So, I am learning, I trust myself in this process as I unlearn old patterns. You did a beautiful job. Well you'll have to go back and re listen and write them down and say this to yourself.
So that's part of re patterning and rewiring your brain is by saying, okay this is the old way I was thinking. And now we're thinking this way, we're thinking with self kindness and with understanding and with accountability holding, that's what was beautiful about those affirmations of yours. Iram they were kind but responsible, they were, you know, this is not the way I want to do things and I'm learning and there's time for me to learn this, I'm allowed to make mistakes and be human and I can do this.
Iram: I don't know about you, Laura, we've done so much work together between your workshops and classes, which was such a privilege to be part of Thank you. I genuinely feel like when you talk to yourself that way or when you start to come in that space, it's easier to get unstuck. Like when I'm stuck in shame and guilt and judgment, I'm just stuck there, I can't move, there's no progress able to move from there, I can be like, it's like overnight, you know, things that take me years, it's like, nah, it's quick and easy, its just hard in the moment to remember that.
Laura: It is, it's so hard and I mean, and this is one of the things that you can do proactively, so you can have little times with yourself where just when you haven't made a mistake, you just remind yourself, oh, hey, I'm still learning, I'm human and I'm learning and I'm here to learn, you know, you can remind yourself of that kindness in other moments, I really love having my hand on my heart during those times so that when I can feel it rising within me, you know, Bernie Brown calls it the warm wash of shame.
You know where it just kind of washes over you whenever I feel that I almost immediately put my hand on my heart because my hand on my heart triggers self compassion for me because that's where I practice self compassion. The hand on the heart works for me. But you can find other little things that.
Iram: I absolutely love that during our every time we ended this session you would do a poem or Yeah, and I and I genuinely love those moments that you cultivated within your workshops as well that we did, you know, coaching. It's good to use different senses, right?
Laura: It is, it's so good. And I mean, and that's something that to like smells, you know, can help to like an essential oil on your wrist that you can just like, okay, I feel that warm wash of shame. I've made a mistake. I'm gonna just take a second for myself and you know what with your little ones. So your little ones, that internal voice that's so harsh on all of us.
We all noticed. Maybe we don't all noticed, but two year olds and kind of late, you know, early threes will will really talk aloud like outside into the world to themselves. You know, they'll narrate their play, they'll think of tell us what they're thinking and doing and then around 3.5 that starts to go internal and so your little one, your oldest is 5? 6?
Iram: Yeah, about 5 and a half.
Laura: 5 and a half Yeah. So she's developing her inner voice right now. And so in those moments where you have that warm wash of shame where you realize you've made a mistake, it's okay to say out loud who I could have said that better and you just close your eyes and they know you're talking to yourself. You can say, oh I need a moment just for a second.
Oh I could have done better, I could have said that differently and I'm learning, I'm working so hard, I'm going to be kind to myself and now that feels better and now I can repair with my child and tell my child what I actually meant to say what I wish I had said and then you can go into that repair process but they can hear you be kind to yourself, that's how we've they learned their own internal voices because kids who are five and six often already know like if we teach them what inner critic means, they already know that voice. They already have that voice in their head
Iram: Because what's happening with my 5 and a half year old is when she makes a mistake or
does something, she's actually not internalizing it, which I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but at least
Laura: It's a good thing because then you can hear it and you can work with the it's good.
Iram: I know bad kid. I'm terrible. I hate myself. And oh my goodness. When I hear that I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. That can't be your internal voice.
Laura: Okay, I'm saying that in your own head. Or are you saying it to her?
Iram: I'm saying it in my own head. I mean, right immediately I want to just go in and fix and I know I can't, I have to give her space to let it all out. Let it right? And I think when this pattern started, that's when I started becoming really aware because it's like reflecting back, like what's going on over here?
I don't mind doing that's contributing to that voice because in my mind, on an overall level I'm thinking I'm doing a great job. Like I'm working really, really hard. Yeah, this is where I still have work to do. And you know, like, like we've discussed in our sessions like this is an ongoing journey and that's what I have to remind myself. There's always going to be work to be done. And right now this is my work.
Laura: I just want to pull out two things that you did really beautifully there, that I want to highlight for you? Okay. So this is to take on you said when you notice that you asked how am I contributing to this, which means you didn't take all the blame on yourself. You know that there is other stuff going on.
Every human being has an inner critic. It's part of our brain, it's part of our psychology. Okay. You did not cause the inner critic to be there. You are not making the inner critic who it is. You are taking a look at how could I make this easier or better? How am I contributing to this? And that is a beautiful thing, right?
Where we don't blame and shame ourselves but are willing to take a look and then you also just did a beautiful job of noticing that like it's not mutually exclusive like learning and practicing and work and having more work to do, like you can have both at the same time, you know, like no one expects you to be perfect except maybe yourself, you're being really kind and sweet to yourself. So I just wanted to pull those two things out for yourself to look at. You're doing a beautiful job.
Iram: We don't hear those positive reinforces enough I think as mothers especially, but I'm working on it, I have a nice tribe of people around me that we do that for one another. So it helps them.
Laura: It does help so much. Yes to have affirming loving people in your life.
Iram: Like when she's saying things like that, can you coach me on how? What should I do in that moment? Because in that moment I can make it about myself or I can make it about her and that's where my dilemma comes in and I kind of freeze because I want to react but I don't think I should be reacting. I should just.
Laura: Yeah so this is where I. F. S. Internal Family Systems can really be helpful. Okay so you have that content in parenting from within everybody. We did an IF. Episode in my inner work series back in March I think. And so everybody has access to some information on IFS. But what you would be doing here is you would be noticing your internal family and how it's reacting to your kiddo.
I don't know if you've seen the movie Inside out, it's a cartoon movie. Yeah so there's this one scene where the family is at the dinner table and you get to see in every family member's heads and they're all the parts inside their heads are reacting to what everybody else is saying. So you have to kind of envision that a little bit when this is happening and coach your inner family. Like reassure them. It's almost as if like there there are little kids inside you that are like ah this is terrible, look she can't have that voice.
She cannot this cannot be her inner voice. And so then you turn inward to yourself and say I hear you you and you validate right? And you reassure I hear you that is a big concern for you. It is so hard sometimes to have that inner critic talking so loudly to us and you're afraid for your sweet daughter for our sweet girl, you don't want that voice for her. I know it's really hard, I'm gonna help her with it right now.
I've got this so this is a reassuring piece of our internal family needs us to be the wise confident leader, right? The inner wisdom that you know you have they need us to step into that place of leadership of I've got this, I hear your concern and I we will not let this go unaddressed don't worry I've got this I and at the same time I've got to go support her now okay can you trust me? Can you trust me enough to just step back a little bit so I can hear her so I can help her.
Like this is an internal conversation you're having with your parts. Yeah. You're coaching yourself. Yes. Yeah and that's all can happen as you are moving slowly and getting close to your little one. Now kids have different reactions during these times. We all know how uncomfortable the wash of shame is. We all know how just red hot frustration can feel kids have that same capacity for feeling right and they have no executive functioning accessible to lessen it, right? So when those things happen for us, we don't always explode some grown ups do, but we have our beautiful brains that kind of keep the lid on and we can manage it.
Kids, little ones don't always have access to those skills and so you know, your kiddo best on that front of what they need. Some kids need a parent to just get close and make say almost nothing and just like just nod. You know, some kids don't want any eye contact, some kids want space and these are conversations that you can have with your kiddo in outside moments.
You know, so coming to them proactively when they are not upset and being able to say like you know, yesterday when we were working on letters or when you were doing legos and you were really frustrated and you were really down on yourself, part of me really wanted to go to you and hug you, but it didn't seem like you wanted me nearby and I didn't know quite what to do and I would love to know how I can support you when you're feeling so badly and just let them tell you, let their calm self tell you what they need and make a plan for that. You know, they're the experts.
You know, I think some often we, you know, we go out there into the parenting world, you know, looking for calm down strategies. I don't know that we need to do that so much as we need to listen to our kids and find out what they need and this is part of the you know here and we were talking earlier about your inner wisdom and how quickly especially for women and I know you've got girls, how quickly that is silenced and quieted and so in going to her and saying you are so wise, you know, your body best of all.
I want to support you in the way that's right for you. How can I help you and let her tell you and then trust her. So one of my kids wants to be left alone and have no one talked to her and you know, and after 10 minutes she wants a note slipped under the door that she can because she's reading now. She wants a note slipped under the door with an invitation to reconnect. That's what she wants during those moments. That's fine. The other one when she's having a really hard time wants us to get down on eye level with her and make a specific clicking sound and say do you want a hug?
And then she wants a hug and usually that's it's over at that point, you know, so kids have different strategies but they really know what they need and building that kind of inner trust happens now happens early with kiddos, Okay, so that's that but then in the moment, I mean when it comes to us, like circling back, she is not too young to know about her inner inner critic and her inner coach.
So you can start using that language and say like, oh, what's that inner critic talking to you a little bit? Was that negative voice kind of saying some things to you when you were upset and you know, when you couldn't get that just right or you know, it seemed like your inner critic was talking a little bit to you. Did you know, you have an inner critic and you can give them some information about that too.
Iram: I think of the movie Luca where one of the characters refers to the inner critic as Bruno. You know, she that's fresh in her head that she was perfect.
Laura: Yeah, that's perfect. And so but she's she's definitely not too young for that. I have, I'll have to check that movie out because that sounds great. There's also a book called Sam and the Negative voice that can help teach that. But I also think it's important for kids to know that voice is not them to personify it, to give it to externalize it and also let them know that did you know that you have an inner coach to did you know that you have someone who, you know that you can talk back to that voice and then modeling that for them letting them see when it's happening to you.
You know, so like when I and I do this on like low stakes things where I spill a glass of water and I say oh my inner critic is talking to me right now. She wants me to know that she thinks I'm clumsy and really what I know what my inner coach is gonna say back is that everybody still things from time to time and that's easy to clean up, you know? So I like will say it out loud in front of my kids, you know?
So that again like kids are social learners, humans are social learners we learned through modeling, we learn through seeing other people do it and and even just having that language is so good. What you don't want to do when you hear them being hard on themselves is to negate what they're saying to come back and argue with them about how they see themselves or how they see you right? You have to remember.
So Externalizing their inner critic is also good for us remembering that that's their inner critic talking that they don't really think that about themselves or if they're saying negative things about us, they don't actually think those things about us either. That's just a part of them, a little part that's activated right now so that can be helpful for us. But when we go in and the gate, oh no you're not. You're so smart, you're so good at legos you're so good at drawing. I love your drawings. We invalidate them and we what I
Iram: You know, I'm paralyzed in that moment because that's what I don't want to do. Validation is important for me because as an adult I need validation.
Laura: Of course we all do.
Iram: Yes. I like that. I like the coaching part for her and for myself. Thank you.
Laura: Yes, absolutely. And I mean and that's what conscious parenting is. It's really like continual self coaching. You know, I mean it's a lot of effort. It's this is not the easy way to do things but what's beautiful
Iram: The work that no one really sees.
Laura: Oh it is. It's so much, I mean there's so much invisible work that goes along with motherhood. But this is, this one is a lot. This mental and emotional load is a lot. And here's the other thing is that it's likely that your mom did a lot of her own work. She was strong. She had to be brave. She did a lot of her own work and her work enabled you to be available for the work that you're doing right now in this generation as you raise this next generation of kids and I this can be uncomfortable for parents to hear sometimes, but your kids will have their work to do to.
Iram: Absolutely.
Laura: Yeah. And so the work you're doing is not for nothing. The work you're doing is giving her access to a higher level of work too, right? There will be things that she'll come out of childhood and be like, man, I did not like that aspect of my mom's parenting, like that was not so right for me, you know, I'm going to do things differently.
I know, but it's there it's because you know, lots of this all comes down to misunderstandings and good intentions delivered poorly and being human, hopefully luckily, you know, we have when we were little and we're building relationships right now and relationships can heal and grow and change over time, you know, and so we don't have to get it perfect even in the long term there were you know, change takes time. I think we hear a lot right now about being a a cycle breaker and inter-generational change and it's so important to know that change even in our generational change, it takes time.
It takes time. You know, if you think about the family legacy that you're creating and what things were like three generations ago in your family, I Iram, we've been able to do a kind of almost like a genealogy together in the past and if we look at the patterns that you're breaking your family, your kids are gonna go on and break so many more. We can't do it all in one generation though, you know, but you're freeing them up.
Iram: I don't strive for perfection in that area. I just look at my parenting and say look as long as I give her tools whenever she is in that moment where she doesn't know what to do. She can access the box of tools that I've helped her build, you know since childhood and she can you know be do what she needs to do at that point. I think that's my goal. The tools really.
Laura: Yeah. And to know probably, I mean I know you but so to know that no matter what she is acceptable and worthy. Yeah. Oh this is all good stuff. So we didn't actually get to the if then statements, you know, okay, so I do want to get there though because those threats are super common for families I want to know.
So the way you get rid of them is by identifying the fear that you are attempting to control. Okay, If then statements, if we don't do this now you don't get a treat if we if we, you know, if you keep acting like this, we're not going to the pool this afternoon.
There's always fear behind those because when we feel out of control, when we're worried about something, when we have concerns that we feel like you know that need to be managed, then we go to control. Okay. And so the key then is to ask. Okay, so what am I afraid of right now? What am I worried about? What are my concerns and get clear on those first of all. So do you want to get work through an example? Like I don't know if you have one on the top of your mind?
Iram: Generally it's when she's not doing something screen time, Everybody's uh dilemma. You know when I say you've got 30 minutes left or one show and then she doesn't turn it off. You know, I'm going to turn it off or I'm not having that play date because you're not listening Something along those lines and I don't want to do that. I don't want to shame her.
I mean I know I can actively say okay if in 30 minutes when the timer is up, I will be doing this and just leaving it at that rather than threatening her. Like well if this doesn't go off and if you give me a hard time then I'm not having your Playdate. Like eliminating that portion.
Laura: Okay. So in that time what is your concern, Your worry or your fear? Like what is the struggle? So let's say she turned, you know it's the end of the show is over. It's time to turn it off. And you do have to say, it seems like it's really hard for you right now I'm gonna turn it off and then she has a big reaction and meltdown. Is that what you are hoping to avoid? Like what is, what is the fear?
Iram: A lot of times yes transitions are hard for her and usually it becomes like a 20 minute meltdown. Like I almost wish I didn't have to use green time at all. But I just, I'm one of those parents that need it.
Laura: And it's okay, it's okay to need it.
Iram: It's me and them all day long, 12, 13 hours a day. So it's, it's tough, you know.
Laura: It's okay, it's okay to need it, you know? And so this is something that I teach two and you know, and we talked about this a lot in my membership and balancing you. But this sort of thing is a great opportunity for problem solving because I am guessing that she also does not like the way that screen time ends. I'm sure she doesn't feel good as it ends and having those meltdowns and that none of that feels good to her.
So I would love to see you problem solved with her and come up with a plan for ending screen time in a different way so that she has access to the resources she needs to make that transition. Well, transitions are something that are really hard for kids this age across the board, they are kind of still on this one track, mind it's really hard for them to shift from one thing to another.
And so having good transition rituals for the tasks that are hard to transition from are really, really good. So as just as an example, one that works well for my kid who doesn't do well getting off of screens, we have right next to where she watches screens, we have a few sensory options to regulate her body because she feels really when she's watching screens she's told me, and this is all the product of a problem solving conversation, she tells me that she feels her eye, her eyes hurt because she doesn't blink and she feels like she's not in her body, she feels out of her body because she's been concentrating so hard and so we quickly go into some grounding sensory activities, she likes to swing or she likes to run around the house and feel her feet pounding into the earth. And so those are the things like that's our plan.
We have a sensory grounding plan for after screens. And because it's good, but here's the thing is that that works for her because it addressed her specific concerns. You know, 20 different solutions, none of which may work for your child, because one they might not actually address her concerns and to she wasn't involved in coming up with them. you know, So I have this workshop and that's Really affordable, it's called problem solving with kids and it's $47, it's yours for life if you take it's prerecorded, but anyway, that teaches you how to do this, but if we come from a place of, like I've noticed it's been really hard for you to get off of screens lately. So I've decided afterwards we're going to go in the sensory swing.
That might be a great solution for her. But it might not. It's really uninformed. We don't know what's going on for her, why? It's so hard to get off screens. She might not even know why It's so hard to get off of screens. And then the solution might have nothing to do, you know, with it. And she wasn't involved. So collaborative problem solving really is what I would love to see you doing here. But when you get into that feeling of, you know, in the meantime, when you get into that feeling of control, you need to be really clear on the limit or boundary that I'm setting. I'm not setting one that I need her to do something for me to be able to hold it. Because that's when you start feeling disempowered, I'm guessing. But most parents feel.
Iram: I think it’s lack of trust in myself too that I know what I'm doing with them. I think it's here. Like you said, it comes out and And now that we're talking about it and I'm thinking about it, I think it's a lack of trust within myself to that I mean it's the right thing And then I have this explosive adult tantrum, right? I'm reacting. To her tantrum. Which is not helping her or myself.
Laura: Yeah, okay. And so then that leads right into what would feel when you're in that place, that fear of I'm not gonna handle this. Well, I don't know what to do when she says no or openly defies me. What would feel really soothing to those parts that are worried and concerned about this. What could you say to yourself in that moment?
Iram: I'm still a good mom, you know, and I'm still doing a great job with them, working hard. That's the fear, right? Raising kids that are, someone's talking down to you and saying, oh, you're not a good mother, Your, you know, your child is acting out because you're doing a city job, you know, I guess that's the internal fear because there's always gonna be someone, your mother, mother in law, family, that's gonna be judging you, right? And I think if I'm honest with myself deep down, I guess that's if I become aware of what's going on, I think that is a big thing for me, obviously could be different for another person.
Laura: Absolutely.
Iram: But not knowing what to do is like a big fear factor for me too. I like to control. And when I'm not in control, I get crazy.
Laura: Yeah, we don't feel safe when we're not in control. That's a very normal reaction to not feeling in control, Right? And so that's one reason why being proactive and have a plan, having a plan. So you have a plan in place, you know exactly what to do. It is really helpful, right? And, you know, the plan was developed collaboratively with your child? Your child has buy in, you know, it works for your child because you wouldn't make a collaborative plan without actually getting approval from both parties making the plan right?
So having that reassurance will be really helpful I think. But I also think having some kind of affirmation that counters those two things, the fear of, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm going to be judged can be really helpful. Okay. No matter what happens, you know I mean? And these are the things like, you know, when we have spirited kids, sometimes things do seem to come out of nowhere, but for the most part, we know where the conflict is gonna be like, you know, it's like little landmines that you have mapped out in your day, like we're coming up to this land mine.
So if we know we're coming up to the landmine, we can take a second to say like, okay, no matter what happens right now, when I asked her to turn off the Ipad, I know I can handle this, she and I are a team and we're gonna get through this together. You know, having something that feels good like that can be really helpful and then when your brain starts projecting into the future, oh my gosh, if she has a meltdown, she's never going to learn to control herself and everybody's gonna think I'm a terrible mom, right? Those having something you can say back to that can also be really helpful cause is that reality? Like, is she going to grow up and have no self control over her feelings?
Iram: No, no.
Laura: And if she did, would it be your fault? No. If people judged you harshly for that, would that be your fault or would it be kind of something that's going on with them? Some lack with that's going on for them, their stuff..
Iram: Their stuff.
Laura: Yeah. So having getting like, super kind of curious with yourself and like, so that's a little bit of cognitive behavioral therapy that you can kind of do on yourself is like, like is that really going to happen? You know, I hear you're concerned about that, but if it did happen, would it really be my fault? You know, just kind of getting curious and oftentimes our worries are baseless are founded on, you know, on fear, but not reality.
So fact checking worries can be helpful too sometimes. And those things, you know, this this is the part of being proactive about it, is that you don't want to be surprised by these things because that's what triggers are right, triggers are when we get we know, you know, something happens and were surprised and taken a back and then we're reactive, Right? So if we know the trigger is coming, then we can be responsive instead. I really like that affirmation for you. You know, even if this doesn't go well she and I are a team and we're gonna get through this together, that will ground you in your goal of not going over the top to her. It's okay, don't worry.
Iram: I love everything you gave me. I'm gonna work on this and maybe we'll retouch if there's room where I need a little more guidance absolutely much for this. I really appreciate your
Laura: sweet little one. Hello? Oh, you go back to your day and your beautiful family. Thank you so much for joining us. You go right ahead and sign off. It was really nice to see you.
Iram: Thanks very much for this opportunity. I appreciate it.
Laura: Alright, so Iram had to go but I hope that this episode, this coaching session was helpful for you. We went in a lot of different places, but I think we went full circle and I don't know about you, the beautiful listener in my community, but all of the things that we talked about with serum today are things that are work that I personally do every day with my family.
We're all a work in progress and these skills and tools that we talked about today are available to you to help you and support you in this journey. So, thank you for being with me today here in the show. Um check out the show notes for the resources that we mentioned in in the session and we'll get you connected if you need help. So one of the things that I think can help is I do have a free workbook if you're looking for a free resource called yelling recovery workbook and it walks you through pretty much the process that we outlined in our session today, doing that thought work and that self kindness as you figure out why you lost it or kind of parenting in a way you didn't want to and how to make changes lasting changes in the future.
So check out that workbook and you can also are welcome to reach out to me about my parenting from within program. That's a group coaching program that I don't have the opportunity to run very often because it's very intensive. But if you want to be put on the wait list, the link to that is here in the show notes. And then we also have my membership which is available to you if you're interested in doing this work. So thank you so much for your time today and I hope you all have a really good one and that you're kind to yourself.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout out um and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.
All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!