Episode 98: How to Actually Enjoy Playing with Your Kids
/No matter what the last year has looked like for you, I want you all to know that I am so proud of you for all the efforts you've made into finding more connection, joy, and balance in your life. You have showed up here and in your homes with love, commitment, and grace and it absolutely shows! And I want you to know how truly honored and grateful I am for trusting me to be a part of your journey. 💕 Okay, are you all set up with our Annual 30 Days of Play Challenge? We began on January 2nd but there is still PLENTY of time to join us! If you haven't signed up yet, don't worry, you're not behind, you can just jump right in today. There really is no "behind" for our kids or for us as parents. There is only starting where we are, in the here and now, and moving forward with intention at the pace that is right for us!
If you are participating in my Play Challenge, then you know that I asked you all to fill out a survey to get a starting point for the challenge. And one of the things I learned from your answers that the majority of you are hoping to learn how to actually enjoy playing with your kids AND want to connect with them on a deeper level. So that's what this week's podcast episode covers!
Here is a summary of what I covered on this episode:
Mindset shifts to enjoy play.
1. Know yourself, what you like, and your boundaries.
2. How to be genuinely interested with your child's play.
3. Drop into the present moment and connect with your child.
4. Shift how you view your role in your child's play to make play more fun.
5. Figure out how to create a practice of showing up for play with your kids. I will be discussing more about play through a series episodes for this month on The Balanced Parent Podcast so stay tuned for that!
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic overwhelm. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do; not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Hello everybody, this is Dr. Laura Froyen and on this episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we're going to talk about how to actually enjoy playing with your kids even when it's not really your thing or you're feeling too overwhelmed and stressed out to really enjoy it.
A lot of us get asked by our kids to play with them and we have so many presses on our time. So many things that pull on our attention so many things on our to-do list can be really hard to drop into the present moment with them and actually enjoy playing with them. And we hear a lot as parents that we need to be playing with our kids, that it's really important for them. And I want to just start off by being perfectly honest with you.
Well, I love play and children's play. I, as you know, we're heading into our play challenge month where we spend the whole month of January really dedicated and focused on play because it is incredibly important for young children and honestly for adults too.
Humans have a unique relationship with play that is unlike some of the other animals in the animal kingdom. And it's something that we should be focusing on and encouraging throughout the lifespan, but especially in childhood, you know.
As you know, we love play around here, we geek out about it. We spend the whole month of January focusing on play and if you want to join the play challenge, this is a perfect time to get signed up. The link is in the show notes, it's laurafroyen.com/playchallenge.
But because of all the emphasis that's on play, I think sometimes people get the idea that I love playing with my kids and I don't always. There are certain things I love to do with my kids, but a lot of the play that you find cumbersome or tedious or annoying or a little frustrating. I experienced those feelings around play too.
I want you to know that you're not alone and you're not abnormal and the play that our children are doing, it's really, really unique and it's happening in a developmental context that is completely appropriate for them and isn't necessarily appropriate for us. And so it makes sense that we don't always love it. Plus, we have so many other things that weigh on our minds and press on our time that it is really hard to drop into the present moment with our kids.
And the other thing I think that really can get in our way is that we have some idea in our mind of what playing with our kids means, you know. So if I asked you right now to close your eyes and picture a parent playing with their child, you would probably picture a parent may be on the ground, maybe dressed up having a tea party or you know, really actively engaged in the play where they are being, you know, really exciting and do all the fun voices and tell their kids an elaborate story where there really involved in the play.
And well some parents enjoy that type of play when it comes to actually what kids want and need from parents when we're playing with them. That's exactly what they need. You know, so when our kids say play with me mama, what they really mean is see me, hear me drop into the present moment with me; be with me.
They don't really mean entertain me, you know, show me how to play, teach me how to play and so all those active things that we picture, you know when we picture playing with our kids, that's not exactly what kids are looking for or what they need.
And so I want to invite you today to start shifting some of the ways you think about playing with your kids and I'm going to offer you five important shifts that you can make playing with your kids more enjoyable for you and more fulfilling and nurturing and connecting for them, and help you set some boundaries around when you do want to play and what types of play you want to do and give you permission to really be your authentic self with your children.
So one of the things I think just before we dive into those five shifts is that it's really important that we be our authentic selves with our kids. We’re not fully present with our kids when we are, you know, they say play with me and we sit down and play but we're still checking, you know, our email from work, we're thinking about you know how we need to add some things to the shopping list or we need to get started on dinner.
They can tell when we're not fully with them. They can also tell when we say yes to a game or a type of play that we're not really interested in. They can feel that. Children are very naturally attuned to the emotional state and presence of their parents. They have to be, that's part of the attachment system that regulates kind of distance and relationships between, you know, physical and emotional proximity between caregiver and a child.
And so they are attuned to us very closely and carefully and it's quite confusing to them when we say, oh yes, I want to play with you, but they can feel that kind of that pull away or that kind of oh, I don't really want to be doing this. So it's really important that we’re authentic and honest with our kids.
You know, some of the shifts I'm going to be offering today might help you more authentically enjoy playing with your kids so that the things that you normally would say no to, you actually enjoy better. Shifting your mindset so that you can go into them with an open heart without resentment and authentically enjoy them.
But the very first shift that is so important is that you really get to know yourself and what you like and where your boundaries are and what you're okay with. The type of play that you're interested in with them that you can authentically pour yourself into. Knowing when and where you have time and space and energy for that type of play and only saying yes to play when it is a 100% yes.
It's really important to model 100% yeses to our kids and so if you can't authentically, truly enjoy it, then don't do it. Give yourself permission to say no to have a pass on those things. It's really important to sit down and get to know yourself as a parent, get to know yourself as an adult and your relationship with play, and what you like and doing with your kids– what fills you up, what brings you joy and what you don't like necessarily doing with your kids. What drains you, what feels like too much–and so being really honest with yourself.
And this is actually something that our 30 Days of Play Challenge that we do in January that starts, I think when you're hearing this, if you're listening to this on the day it releases, starts in just a couple of days.
One of the purposes of this 30 Days of Play Challenge is not just to get to know your kids through play, but I also get to know yourself as a parent through play and really being able to be honest with yourself and with your children so that you can have a true, authentic relationship–not one that is, builds on kind of hiding your true self, but one that is celebrating your true selves and their true yourself and finding that common ground.
So that's the first tip. If you can't authentically enjoy it, if it's going to lead to resentment, it's our responsibility to set those boundaries and to say no with grace and compassion. And then that leads us into finding some common ground and some interests that you do share.
I know a lot of you reached out to me when I was prepping for this play challenge and this is something that you can struggle with at times where maybe one parent shares a lot of interest with kids and it's harder for the other parent to get into those interests or sometimes kids have very specific interests.
Like my niece, for example, is really into some Japanese anime shows that are just not my thing. I'm not terribly interested in them, but my sister, her mom, is. And seeing them connect over them is really beautiful.
And so there's this piece of like recognizing when we enjoy the things that our kids like and what we don't enjoy, but there's usually an opportunity for common ground. There's usually an opportunity where some of the interests do overlap. We might have to get really creative to find those.
And then there's this other piece of it that if we don't if we really don't share in the interests and our kids are super into something. There's this piece of, we don't exactly have to be super into the thing that they're into, but we can be super into them. We can be really, really interested in them and that can give us a little bit more access to diving into a topic that is not necessarily our thing with them.
This is something that I do a lot with my niece and nephew and my niece is really interested in these anime shows and my nephew is super into Minecraft and Roblox and they just aren't something that I have experienced with, but when they want to talk about it or show me one of the things that they're playing, I drop into the present moment with them, I put my phone away and I really listen and seek to learn. Drop into curiosity and it's not that I'm interested necessarily in learning about Minecraft or Roblox, it's that I'm interested in learning about my nephew who's interested in those things.
And so that is a really powerful mindset shift that is important. So if you can't find that common ground, you're shifting your mindset into what are you actually interested in? It doesn't have to be the thing that they're interested in, but you can be interested in them.
Another aspect of shifting your mindset which is my third tip, of course, you all know me so well, hopefully by now, you know that mindset is everything in my opinion. So shifting again into this place of really focusing on enjoying them even if it's not something that you enjoy. Understanding that really what's going on here is that you are wanting to connect with them.
So Renee Brown tells us that in order to feel connected, we need to feel seen, heard and valued. And dropping into the present moment during a child's play is one of the easiest ways to help a child feel seen, heard and valued.
That's one of the reasons why in my 30 Days of Play Challenge, we spend the whole first 10 days doing nothing but observing our children's play because it really helps us drop into that present moment and communicate quite clearly how much we value their play and how interested we are in them and how much we see and hear them.
We're going to dive deeper once you've signed up for it, the Play Challenge. I have a private podcast that's just for the play challenge. So it's all in one place and we're going to dive deep into how to be a good observer.
But this is a big piece of it, shifting your mindset and really understanding that it's not about the play, it's not about what they're telling you what to do or you know, whether you're entertaining enough or if it's fun enough–it's about the connection is really what it's about and there is benefit in whatever play they're doing.
So oftentimes, I think that parents think that we have to play in a certain way with kids, but really usually what we need to do is step way back and let them lead the play and that they intuitively know what play is right and beneficial for them. And then if we step back kind of step out of the way and are just present with them, let them lead and direct the play, that's where the benefit really is.
And this is something that I know a lot of parents reach out to me on–that their young kids are super directive in their play and they don't really like playing with their kids because they just get bossed around or they get told that they're doing it wrong or you're saying it wrong or no mama don't do that, no daddy don't do this–and that isn't exactly as fun as what they were hoping to do, that, they want to be playing with their kids, but the way that their kids are in the play is a little off-putting.
And so that's something that is really important to wrap your head around, that if your kid is being directive in their play, that means that they've got some agenda for the play, that the play is serving a really deep purpose for them; one that we might not fully understand as grown-ups and if they're being that directive, they have the need to express themselves through that play or process something through that play and they want to kind of use us as a toy or as a play object to help them reflect on whatever it is that they're going through.
And so this brings us to the kind of, the fourth shift that I wanted to introduce to you is really shifting how you view your role in your children's play. I know I touched on this before, but so often we think that we need to entertain our kids and this starts really young–little babies. We shake a rattle in front of our kids’ face and we distract them from what they were focusing on.
I remember watching one of my daughters when they were little; observing flecks of dust floating through the light and I was just enthralled watching her watch this light. It was beautiful. She focused on it for so long and it was play, she was playing. That's what play is–a deep-in-the-moment experience; a developmental experience.
And so she was an infant. She was watching this it’s beautiful and my well meaning wonderful parent was there and she stuck a rattle in front of her face and shook it and distracted her. And in that moment, unintentionally, a child learns that what I'm doing isn't quite right.
You know, there's better ways to spend my time than where my intuition tells me to spend my time and attention. It breaks concentration. So the very skills that we want our kids to have when they're older, we get in the way of them developing naturally through play. And so I really want to encourage you as a parent to to start shifting your role from one of the person who needs to be directing the play.
Another thing that, you know, folks ask me, they think in this play challenge that we're gonna get lists of games to try with their kids or lists of activities to try with your kids, you know, setups and invitations and stuff. And I'm not gonna do any of that in this play challenge because I actually want you doing the exact opposite.
I want you stepping out of the play director role; out of the kind of the early childhood educator role–the role of the person who is setting up the play or making sure that the play is happening in the way that we as the adults think it's supposed to happen.
A big piece of this challenge, and I think the most transformative part of this challenge for listeners who participated in the past and feel free to let me know if this is true for you, is shifting out of that role. Releasing responsibility for your children's play by returning responsibility for your children's play to them.
They're the owners of the play, they're the creators of the play. They are the ones who benefit from it. They're the ones who know how to do it, why to do it. They don't need to be taught or shown how to do it. If we are consistently kind of stepping back, getting out of the way, projecting confidence in them and staying present with them as they lead the play.
So, a lot of us kind of step into the role of director in play and I want to stepping back into being an assistant and letting the child really be the director of the play. So are one of those parents who was like, oh my gosh, my kids always telling me what to do when I play, like that's a really good sign. That's what we want. You are already ahead of the game because they will know just what to do.
And this is the perfect time to be using one of my very favorite tools and I'll have you experiment with, and I'll teach you more about in the challenge on the Stage Whisper where you really return responsibility for the play to the child and they love it.
So your role in their play does not need to be active, it needs to be quite passive and the other piece of that, like that's really important to understand is that play, as beautiful and natural and the developmental process as it is, it's also a skill; a muscle that your kids can build.
So if you are struggling with getting your kids to play independently while you relax or or do other things around the house, just know that you need to take an honest look about how you are interacting with them in their play.
So if when you are playing with them, you know, one on one with one of your kiddos, if you're doing a lot of the heavy lifting in the play, deciding what to play, making suggestions for what to do, making you know, characters.
If you're playing with dolls, be really silly and fun and entertaining and you know, getting lots of good laughs from the kids. If you're doing those things though–that's the heavy lifting of the play, that's the work of the play. And when we do that, we take away the opportunity for the kids to build those muscles.
And so one of the beautiful things about this challenge is that, for just 10 minutes a day, I'm asking you to show up a little bit differently with your kids in regards to play. You don't have to change anything else. This challenge is very light; there's not a lot to do in it.
All I'm asking you to do is just to take, you know, 10 minutes broken up throughout the day and really think about the play that you are and the way you are interacting with your children's play. Observe them, observe yourself and show up just a little bit differently in their play. Then perhaps you currently are and then see what happens.
It's always amazing to me in this challenge–around the third or fourth day, I start getting floods of messages from people who are taking the challenge around, you know, my kid who never was able to play by themselves before now just played for 20 or 30 minutes while I clean the kitchen or while I watched them play. I mean it was amazing, it's amazing with just a simple little shift in how you show up to the play changes their ability.
And of course, you know, if we've been playing for them or doing some of the heavy lifting for a while, it can take kids some time to adjust to us showing up in a new way. It can be uncomfortable for these kids if they learn to expect certain things from their environment and their interactions with us and when we change things, there can be some growing pains as they grow and stretch and learn how to show up differently themselves in their play.
But it doesn't mean that's a bad thing. It's quite a good thing because remember, as I said before that when kids ask us to play with them, they might not necessarily want you really in their play and doing things for them. What they really want is us with them. They want us not doing, they want us being with them.
Okay. And so that brings us to our very last tip or kind of shift is figuring out how to create a practice where you are showing up for play with your kids in this really unique way and that you are doing a really good job of setting boundaries for yourself.
I know we talked a little bit about boundaries when it comes to kind of, if you can't authentically enjoy it, don't do it. And this is where we kind of take that to the next level. So making sure that you have a good sense of when you are available for play, how long you kind of can make it, how long is a good amount of time where you feel good while you're doing it.
And at what point does it shift into feeling like, oh, I'm done. I feel I'm starting to feel resentful. I'm starting to not like this. I think this is something that is really important. It's something that I teach in Respectful Parenting when I won my intro course. It's really important that we set boundaries for ourselves with our kids in a way to prevent there being stress or strain on our relationship that they can't possibly be responsible for.
So all relationships have times where there's tension or stress or strain on them–that's what builds resilient relationships, but it's our responsibility to set boundaries that set the relationship up for success.
And so for example, let's say we've had a really long day at work. We come home. We picked the kids up from school or from daycare and right away they want to play play, play, play, play play. We're tired and so we say, okay kiddo, I've got 10 minutes before I've got to make dinner. Let's you and me sit down and we'll you know, we'll play or maybe we'll read some stories; things that you like that you have the energy for. You sit down and you do those things and when the 10 minutes is up and it's time for you to go make dinner, they say no play with me more.
At that point, you have a choice to make. You can, even if you know you don't really have time, you know you're gonna be rushed later and you know that you're going to feel a little bit maybe resentful of having to keep playing. I mean you're done, you're touched out, you're tired from your day. They don't know any of those things. Right?
So if you've got a four or five-year-old, they don't know that you're playing for 5 minutes longer, 10 minutes longer, 20 minutes longer. It's going to make dinner late, it's gonna make you stressed, it's going to make them get to bedtime late and make everybody cranky the next morning. They don't have the cognitive skills to think that far ahead. So it's our responsibility to be in that place and hold a boundary that sets everybody in the family up for success. I know this is a lot of pressure on a family, on a parent but that is our role.
And so when they say no no no more mama. Five more minutes. Five more minutes. It's our job to be really settled and confident in that, yes, of course, my sweetheart, I would love to play all evening. And at the same time somehow dinner has got to be made and there's it's just me who's got to make it and if we don't make dinner now, we’ll be late, getting to you know, eating dinner, you'll get hungry.
It's hard for you to play with your sister when you get too hungry because then you everybody gets a little cranky and so I've got to go make dinner now. I would love to be able to keep playing with you. I just can't right now, let's make a date for after dinner.
What what what type of, you know, what books do you want to read together after dinner or after dinner? We'll have, you know, we usually have about 20 minutes to enjoy some playtime in the bath. What toys do you think you're gonna want to play with in the bath?
So making a little bit of a plan for later, filling up their connection bucket first before they, you have to separate while your attention is directed elsewhere. Really holding that boundary firm. It doesn't do your kids any good to waffle on a boundary that, you know, you should set when, you know, they don't have all the information.
They don't know that if you say yes to five more minutes of playing or yes to 10 more minutes of reading at bedtime, they don't know that you're gonna end up kind of feeling grumpy with them or frustrated with them or that they might end up tired. They don't know those things. It's our job to kind of project into the future and protect the relationship.
So setting those good boundaries with your child, but also when it comes to playing with your kids, it's important for you to set boundaries with yourself. So for example, during these, you know, 10 minutes when the kids come home, the first really for at our house, it's about the first 30 minutes that they're in the house.
My husband and I put our phones away because there's always more emails to check. There's always more messages on Instagram from you, wonderful folks, to check. And that really pulls our attention away from the kids when they need us to pour into them connection wise. And so we just put our phones away. And that's a boundary that we set with ourselves to set ourselves up for success.
So figuring out what boundaries we need in place in order to be able to fully be present and fully enjoy playing is so important. And you know what the boundaries that I've been stating right now, those are the ones that work for me. The ones that will work for you are likely very different.
You all have wonderful families and wonderful circumstances that make your lives incredibly unique. And your children are unique–they have unique play needs that mine might not have.
And so really sitting down and carefully taking a look at–what do I need in place in order for me to be able to enjoy being fully present and playing with my kids.
And one thing for me that I've noticed is that if I have clients, my wonderful one on one clients are classes that I'm teaching in my membership that bump up against when my kids come home so that I end the class and then they're like walking in the door. There's no buffer for me to kind of drop into presence with myself. Take a little bit of a relaxed, you know.
The work that I do is quite emotionally–there's an emotional investment in it, giving myself some time to bounce back. I'm not able to be fully present with my kids and so that boundary comes earlier for me. I have to make sure that in my calendar where I'm scheduling things, I'm leaving that buffer of time for myself before the kids get home so that I can be fully present. And I was working outside the home that looked like getting to daycare five minutes early, sitting in the car and doing like a five minutes self compassion meditation before I went in.
So these buffers don't have to be very big. You're the one who's working outside of the home and you're coming home and the kids are waiting for you at home, sitting in the garage for a couple of minutes just to kind of get your head on straight, can be really great to give you that buffer. But again, you know best what you need in order to be successful.
And I guess I hope in this conversation I've relieved some of the pressure, like it's okay to not always want to play with your kids and you know, I guess I think I was about to confess this at the beginning and I never actually did.
So I don't play with my kids most of the time. Most of the time my two kids, they're 6 and 9 and once they were maybe two and a half, they play pretty much independently or together most of the time. They will still, you know, sometimes ask me to play a specific game with them, but most of the time, if we're really connecting together, we will be doing it through art, coloring–which I really enjoy, baking, playing board games.
But a lot of the imaginative play that is so good for kids and that we kind of think we're supposed to be doing, really happens just between themselves or just on their own independently. And that's something that is, again, it was on purpose because I wanted my kids to be able to play independently, it's by design.
We've worked really hard to build those skills and a lot of the things again that I'm teaching in the 30 Days of Play Challenge which is entirely free, they’re the very things that will set you up to kind of get on that path. So let me just introduce the Play Challenge to you a little bit.
And so this Play Challenge really is designed to help you get to know your child and connect on a deeper level with them through play. Again, there won't be any lists of games or activities to play. We're really focusing on learning how to let your child lead.
So the parent is really learning how to kind of lean in and exercise that skill of standing back, of sitting on your hands, biting your tongue, and really accepting, fully accepting how the child shows up and play. And then we're giving space for the kiddos to build those skills and exercise those independent play muscles.
And I just want to just wrap up by saying that, you know, playing with our kids often feels hard because we feel responsible for it. Like it feels like it's a job, that's something that we have to do and make sure happens just right for our kids.
And I just I guess I just want to make sure that you know that you can release that responsibility, that's one that you can let go and fall off of your shoulders. And it is my hope that in joining this Play Challenge, that's exactly what you will learn–that this challenge really is designed to get you out of that role and out of your kids' way so that they can access deeply immersive healing play with or without you.
In the challenge, it's broken up into three parts. In the first part, you will learn how to observe play like a social scientist and you'll learn how to nonjudgmentally observe your child's play in a way that makes them feel truly seen and heard and helps you get to know them better. It's practically a mindfulness practice. So it's really good for your stress response system as well.
In the second set of 10 days, you will learn how to reflect and process what you're observing like a therapist would. You will reflect on the purpose and role that play serves in both your child's life and your own life–we have a couple of great episodes on the podcast to kind of go with this aspect of it too and you'll be getting crystal clear on any blocks that you have around play; play with your kids and play just on your own as well.
And then in the last 10 days of the 30 Day Challenge, you will learn how to take action like a play therapist. You'll be supported in taking direct and specific actions to support deeper, more meaningful play in your child and a richer, more joyful connected relationship for the two of you.
So that's my hope and intention and then we wrap the whole thing up with a webinar on where I teach you how to connect more deeply with your children through play. As a part of this challenge, I always do invite folks to, you know, if you're wanting to learn more about play and the impact it can have on your kids and on your relationship,, I do have some courses that are available.
So, I have two play courses. One is called Purposeful Play where I teach you how to use play really intentionally throughout your days with your kids to help them prepare for new things, process hard feelings and kind of events that they might, you know, be going through and really like use it with purpose. So it's a fun course; it's very light. I do a lot of playing in it, a lot of play demonstrations.
Ad then I have another course called Playful Healing, which was really designed to help you build a practice of holding healing play sessions with your child and that course is really good for you if you're feeling disconnected from your kiddo, like you don't really know them, they're growing up, they're slipping away. It's been a while since you felt really connected with them or if there's lots of big feelings happening in your home–that's a great course.
So you'll be hearing more about those courses in the coming weeks, but I'm hoping that you'll join me for this Play Challenge, it's one of my favorite times of the year in The Balanced Parenting Community.
So go ahead and follow the link, get signed up the daily posts, reflection posts will be posted on my Instagram page, and in my private Facebook group, and of course there will be the private podcast to go along with it, where you will be getting all of the trainings that go along with the Play Challenge.
I know that it can be kind of confusing to have two podcasts of mine going on at the same time. So this podcast where you're listening to, this is just going to be kind of general content. We are focusing on play, but none of the trainings for the play challenge are here. This is kind of just bonus material that everybody can access and find beneficial even if they aren't doing the play challenge.
But if you want to dive deeper, you want to learn more you want to build these skills that we've been talking about today, that's what the Play Challenge is for. It's created for you with you in mind and I love supporting you and learning how to connect on a deeper level with your kiddos through their most natural language, play.
Alright, so I hope to see you in the challenge. If there are any questions you can always feel free to reach out to me or my team at laurafroyen.com. Alright, see you in the challenge.
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Alright, that's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!