Episode 209: Finding Ease in Chaos: Overcoming Parental Overwhelm with Sam Bennett
/In this week’s episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we’ll discuss the challenges of overwhelm and how parents can manage the demands of multiple roles. I’m joined by Sam Bennett, author of The 15-Minute Method and productivity expert. We’ll share strategies for bringing more grace, compassion, and ease into our parenting experience.
Here are some of the topics we covered in this episode:
The 15-minute method to combat overwhelm and prioritize self-care
Finding 15 minutes for self-care amidst busy schedules
Overcoming all-or-nothing thinking and perfectionism in productivity
Rediscovering self-identity and passions through intentional 15-minute activities
Creating journal prompts to help reconnect with self and passions
Managing external influences and practicing intentionality in personal choices
Establishing personal boundaries to protect energy and time
To learn more about Sam, visit her website therealsambennett.com. You can follow her on Facebook @therealsambennett, Instagram @therealsambennett, Twitter @realsambennett, Tiktok @therealsambennett, YouTube @sambennett and LinkedIn @therealsambennett.
Resources:
Remember, even 15 minutes can make a difference—take a small step today toward grace, ease, and balance in your parenting journey.
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Doctor Laura Froyen. And on this week's episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast, we are going to be talking about overwhelm and how to overcome it. I know that if you're like me and so many of us out there, we feel so overwhelmed by all of the hats that we have to wear, all the rules that we are put in as parents and then also the pressure from the outside world to be doing more and more and more and I don't know about you, but I'm ready to step out of that and I've been working on that in my personal life for a nber of years, but I'm so excited to be diving into this topic a little bit more deeply to help me out with this conversation. I have Sam Bennett here with me. She is the author of multiple books and a productivity expert. And I'm really excited to have a nuanced conversation about how we can bring a little bit more grace, compassion, and ease to our lives as parents. So, Sam, welcome to the show. Will you tell us a little bit more about who you are? And what you do.
Sam: I will. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me. Hi, everybody. Yeah. Where we're going with this is you can change your life in 15 minutes a day.
Laura: I love it.
Sam: Let's just, I'm just gonna mic, drop that right there.
Laura: You can be overwhelmed in 15 minutes a day.
Sam: Yeah. So we'll, we'll get to it, but that's where, that's where we're headed just so, you know. I wrote this book. It's called The 15 Minute Method. The surprisingly simple art of getting it done because my publisher asked me to, she said, could you write a book about overwhelm? And I said, yeah, because I hear this word all the time. I work mostly with people who would self describe as highly creative people. So they especially have a ton of ideas and a ton of projects and a ton of things they're interested in. And this feeling of like, I don't know where to start. There's so much to do. Paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed.
Laura: And then you just lay on your couch instead of doing any of the things.
Sam: Hello Candy Crush. Yes. Right. So, it's the thing mammals do when we, like, distract ourselves. We're like, okay, you know what? This is too much for me. I'm just gonna go over here.
Laura: I mean, we're laughing but it's also real. Right? Like it's, we're laughing but it's, it's real. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead.
Sam: 100%. Yeah. So I want to say a couple of things, one is overwhelm is not something the world does to you. It's something you do to yourself.
Laura: Oh, tell me more. Over.
Sam: Yeah. So we feel like overwhelm is an outside problem, like everything's coming at me and like, especially when we feel like everything's coming at me with the same level of intensity and urgency. Like I can't even figure out what's important right now, but it's us inside of our minds doing that and I can prove it to you because when we look at people who work in chronically overwhelming situations, you know, people who work in emergency rooms, people who are first responders, I was getting interviewed on a TV station a while ago and the reporter said, oh, like when we've got a breaking news story and we don't always know what's going on or somebody's been terribly hurt or something awful has happened. I'm like, right. Exactly. Those are overwhelming circumstances but she herself is not overwhelmed. She's a reporter doing her job. The person behind the desk at the ER is not overwhelmed.
Laura: I see what you're saying. Yes. Yeah. So the circumstances sometimes are overwhelming and then oftentimes what we're doing to ourselves is happening somewhere in our mind.
Sam: Exactly. And like I said, I think it, and overwhelm is a big word that sort of covers a lot of territory. Right. Because oftentimes there's a bit of perfectionism in there. There's a bit of like, oh, I have to do everything perfectly. Therefore I feel overwhelmed. There'sI think a lack of prioritization, you know? And certainly people, certainly parents, get the message that the only thing that really matters is the stuff you do for other people. If you can't take time for yourself, that would be selfish. Yeah. Right.. And what I want to say is that taking time for yourself, even if it's just 15 minutes, is the opposite of selfish. Because what's really selfish, what's actually selfish is you walking around exhausted and stressed out and with no sense of humor and the rest of us have to deal with you like that. That is an imposition. That is selfish, right? But you take 15 minutes to do something you love, right? You take 15 minutes to stretch, to go for a walk, to play guitar or whatever. And all of a sudden you're calmer. There's a light in your eyes, you're a better listener, you're less reactive. Like we love this version of you. Please take 15 minutes to be this version of you. And I know there's a feeling like, oh, but the kids need me. The work needs me. Not for 15 minutes. They aren't.
Laura: Okay. So, yeah, because I, I can hear, I feel like I sometimes feel like I can hear my listeners and I hear them thinking or saying back to you. Okay. But Sam, where is that 15 minutes gonna come from? I know we all get the same 24 hours in the day, but I literally do not know where that 15 minutes is going to come from. So how do we find that 15 minutes for ourselves? Because I think, I think at this point, we're all on board with this idea that like self care is not selfish. Yes, we know we're supposed to be doing it. Yes, we know what's good for us. Good for our kids, good for our families and yet we're not doing it. So what's like, what's getting in the way?
Sam: Right. So there's two important questions. One, right? That's okay. No, no, I like it when things are multiple things. I like layer cakes. I like buffets. I enjoy a buffet. So the one thing is this, this word self care is I think a bad term. It's really what we're, it's not really what we're talking about. And somehow my mind always goes to like manicures and massages and I don't like getting manicures. I don't. Yeah, take a bath. No, that's not what I'm into. So when I, when I talk about taking 15 minutes, I'm talking about you doing something that you love, something that lights you up, something that will make you feel really good about yourself and you know, playful and engaged. Yes. You know, keeping yourself fueled and aflame creatively, you know, being in a state of learning and growing and trying new things and experimenting and, you know, I do my 15 minutes before I've even rolled over in bed. I spend my 15 minutes doing a little sort of prayer slash meditation process that I kind of invented. And a little journaling, like, either I write a letter to God or God writes a letter to me depending on who needs to say what to whom. And, and that's it. Like, it's quick, it's easy. There's nothing, I don't light a candle, there's nothing formal about it. You know, it's just a little breathing, a little centering, a little writing and I'm good to go, you know, my whole day gets better when I take those couple of minutes. Like I said, first thing before I've even set up, you know. So, and I, and one of the reasons I focus on 15 minutes is because I feel like you can find 15 minutes, you know, like even the busiest person, you know, when they're always, like, you should work out an hour a day. I'm like, oh, really? What hour is that?
Show me that hour I will, you know. And I think sometimes we don't get started on stuff that matters to us because we think, well, I only have 15 minutes. Like I can't even, you know, I've got to clean up the garage. You know, I can't, I can't clean out the garage in 15 minutes. You know, I want to write a novel. I can't write a novel in 15 minutes. Well, actually you can, I mean, if you sit down and write for 15 minutes you can get out about 250 words and in 200 days, that's 50,000 words. That's a book. So, where were you 200 days ago? And would you like to have a book right now? The other, you know, the garage thing, I need two free weekends to clean out the garage. Okay. First of all, again, show me those two free weekends because I would be very curious to know where they are. And second of all, if you did have two free weekends, I seriously don't, you want to spend them in the garage, but let's say you really want to clean out the garage. That, that's something that if you did it, it would feel really great to you. So it's not something I should do, it's something I really want to do, right? I would say just go out there with a mug of something you like and just spend your first day, just spend 15 minutes contemplating the garage. Just be with the garage. Observe the garage be with the garage. Don't go to judgment about it. Don't get annoyed by just what's really happening here. You know, what, what can we notice what does this garage have to say to us? And it may be that at minute 12, you go, wait a minute, those seven boxes belong to my brother Jeffrey and then you call Jeffrey. You go, Jeffrey, get these boxes out of my garage. Okay.
Well, now you cleared out at the corner and you didn't even have to do anything. And maybe the next day you go out and again you contemplate and you, maybe you look in one of those big Rubbermaid things and you realize it has holiday stuff in it and say, oh when you put a sign on it that says holiday and you shove it to the back because you only need that stuff once a year. And maybe the next day you take that broken bicycle and wheel it out to the corner with a sign on it that says free broken bicycle, right? And in this way, you actually can clear out your garage, your basement, your desk or whatever in 15 minutes a day. But the magic is just 15 minutes every day.
Laura: Yeah. Oh, so there, I'm an adult diagnosed with ADHD and so part of this is really appealing to me because it lets me break things up into chunks that are doable. And that's a skill that I don't have naturally that I have to really like work towards being able to do. And yet there's this black and white thinking, this all or nothing thinking that wants me to just get it done all the, the whole way. And if I can't do it perfectly, I may as well not do it. And can we talk a little bit about that, that kind of all or nothing? Thinking of the perfectionism that comes, comes in and, and sabotages us along the way when we're trying to get something done.
Sam: Absolutely. So, the thing with getting any big project done, including the big project of you staying connected to your own life, you staying connected to your own spirit, your own identity, your own passions.
Laura: That's a whole great topic to talk about too, right?
Sam: Because that's really what those 15 minutes are for. You know? Do you love needlework? Do you love tying flies? Do you love making crossword puzzles? I don't know, whatever it is you're into, right? To get out of that all or nothing thinking, you know, that if I don't have three months in Provence to write my book, I can't possibly do it. It's like, look, I would love the three months in Provence as well. I think we should book that soon. However, for right now, we're still going with the day to day and the thing with getting any of these big projects done, it's just like parenting. We're not looking for any one perfect moment or even any giant perfect moment. We are looking for a general trend in the right direction we are looking for overall things to be moving in the direction of raising, you know, well mannered contributing members of society, you know, and, and what happens on any individual day or any, you know, specific moment is, is not nearly as important as the overall trend.So, to realize we're in this for the long game, you know, and you know, maybe you wanna get your body healthier, Every health and medical professional in the universe will tell you that 15 minutes a day of you moving your body in any way, shape or form is gonna be great for you, right? So again, quit waiting for that free, you know, hour and a half to go to yoga booty, which also means, oh, now I need a new leggings because my leggings are all crapped out and now I need, you know, yes, I really need to lose 10 pounds before I go to the gym and really, you know, just do your thing, like do a dance in the kitchen, do your stretching, do your breathing, do your whatever it is you like to do this is the whole key. What do you like to do? What do you love to do? What did you love to do as a child?
Laura: Yeah. So I hear you like, I feel like we're talking about almost like two separate 15 minutes too. Like there's, you're talking about like the, what are these things that light you up and what are the things that you need to get done? Because, like, cleaning out my garage is not what's gonna light me up. Like, it would be nice to be able to, like, open up my car door without running into boxes. That would be great. But that is also like, not the thing that feeds my soul. And I think, on a whole nother level, so many parents are so disconnected from themselves that they don't even know what feeds their soul. So many of the moms that I talk to, I run a playgroup, on my university campus, every week. So these parents, moms and dads come with their babies who are a year or younger and even in that year, they've become, they become, become so disconnected from themselves, their world has shifted, the axis of their world has shifted, their focus is on these little ones and they don't even know who they are anymore. It's like, how can we spend 15 minutes doing something we love when we don't even know what we love? Like, like, can you help us figure, like, for the person who's listening is like, I don't even know what I would do. Can you help us, like, get back in touch with that piece?
Sam: Absolutely. Because again, that first year of having a child, you know, is, you know, is impossible. I mean, it's impossible. There's so many needs but also having teenagers is impossible. And also starting your own business is impossible. And also Christmas is impossible. And also, you know, like having aging parents is incredibly impossible. Like everything, you know, and I feel like especially in these times of crisis or times of intensity, maybe, I mean, it's not a crisis, it's just intense. Finding those 15 minutes is even more important.
Laura: Even more important. 100%. Yes, I agree.
Sam: You know. So, and what I would say, if you feel like, oh, I don't even know where to start. We'll start by making a list of 15 minute things that you think might tickle your fancy, you know.
Laura: Suspend your time for minutes making the list.
Sam: Yeah. That's right. And you could also spend 15 minutes just staring at a blank piece of paper because 15 minutes of enforced boredom never hurt a person. And when was the last time you started a piece of paper for 15 minutes without reaching for your phone?
Laura: Dang. Right. Yes. Right. Oh, my gosh. I talk about this all the time. We just do not have the opportunity to be bored anymore.
Sam: Like I get a little concerned. I don't really believe that. Like, oh, kids today think kids today are exactly the way we were when we were kids. Like, yes, but there's a few critical differences and one of them is being bored.
Laura: Yes. 100%.
Sam: Those long part trips making that Fort on the way back to the Volvo. And those long drives, I grew up in Chicago, we'd go to Door County, which is far and, you know, just hours just staring out the window and making up stories and pretending to interview myself to be on Zoom.
Laura: Yes. I mean, I do think that, I mean, and, and not just for kids, like, for us too, I think we need boredom. I think we need space. We need space between things instead of just bopping from one thing to another. I think we glorify busy, you know, and, and don't leave ourselves with that space, you know.
Sam: I really, there is definitely an international game of, I'm so busy poker going on and I really encourage all of you to walk away from it like, oh my gosh, I'm so busy. Oh, really? You're so busy. I am so busy. I'm like, okay. Okay. You don't get bonus points for being so busy? No.
Laura: Do we want to be so like, why do we, why do we like a little ego thing?
Sam: And then I think it makes us feel like we're needed like we're important and we're necessary because people need us and, and we're in demand, you know, and our time is short and, you know, I mean, I've got that. I love to feel like I'm so needed. I'm so necessary. We all have an ego out, we all have an ego, of course. And they're also legit busy, I mean, you know. Yeah, you're trying to, as my grandmother would say, put five pounds of sugar into a four pound bag almost every day. And so again, I just really want to underline the fact that you can't control everything that's going on in your life. You know, a lot of this we did not pick. But 15 minutes you can.
Laura: Yeah. Okay. So can I put you on the spot for just a second here? Like let's just see you have a background in improv, right? So you should be able to do this, right? Okay. So this was not planned. I'm sorry. So let's say we have a we have our listeners and they're thinking, okay, so I'm going to do these 1st 15 minutes. What am I going to do with them? Can you give me maybe like five journal prompts so they can sit down in their 1st 15 minutes and journal about that will help them reconnect themselves and figure out what they're going to be doing with their 15 minutes. Maybe we can write them or you can think of that.
Sam: Okay. So first of all, I just want to say you can't screw this up. You do this wrong. Okay. There's no, you're not getting graded. I'm not your mom. No one cares. This is your 15 minutes for you. So what is it that you think you know? If I just made a little progress on this, that would really feel really great. And, you know, you were talking about the ADHD things. I have a lot of clients and customers who are ADD, ADHD, AUDD, neuros spicy of all the varieties. And the 15 minute thing is great because it is sort of constricted. You know, there's, and it really hopscotches right over your perfectionism because how perfect is it going to be? You know, and you're going to do it again tomorrow.
Laura: Right. So it sounds like maybe the first question. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry, it sounds like maybe the first question a person would ask themselves and sit with is what am I so afraid of when it comes to this? Like, what is getting in the way of me thinking about being able to do this and maybe even just working through some of those things, right? Because like we were talking through some of the answers to objections, but maybe we just need to the listener, you know, who's having objections needs to get them out on paper. Like what is, what would be.
Sam: What I am afraid of is a great thing. Where am I willing to be a beginner? Right. Where is my curiosity leading me? You know, I always talk about sparkly breadcrumbs about those things that you're just like, like, I don't know, you just, you saw an ad or you hear a thing and you're like, what is that? I'm sort of interested. The other place I would look and I talk about this in the book is in your zone of creative genius. First of all, tip of the hat to gay Hendrix and Katie Hendrix for their work on zones of genius, great stuff. Everyone has a zone of genius and you probably haven't noticed it because it's so natural to you. It's so much a part of who you are that you just don't even think it's a thing, right?
But everybody has that thing that they're just naturally good at, naturally interested in, you know, have a real aptitude for really enjoying. And sometimes it's something really obvious, like you're the only one in your family who is fascinated by medieval Chinese armor, you know, or you're the, you know, so you love, you know, hand sewing, you know, you love quilting and everybody else is like, wait, you're driving, where to go to a conference on what you're like? No, no, it's fine. I can't wait. And the other way I think about this is like, if someone were to wake you up at three in the morning and be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, Laura, we're gonna go, you know XYZ, you know, and you'd be like, oh, I'm coming, I'm coming. I like that question.
Laura: Yeah. What could someone wake you up at three and so little to do. I love that, that you'd be happy.
Sam: It's a little less, less obvious. I mean, sometimes what your natural zone of genius is, is making other people feel great. You know, you just have a gift for compliments and really seeing what's wonderful about people or you have a gift for organizing and putting things in order or you have a gift. Right. So, I might start with that too. Like what are the things that I've just always been naturally interested in? Always been naturally good at that? I would like to spend a little more time.
Laura: So just kind of for the listener. We have three questions so far. What am I so afraid of that's getting in my way? What comes up for me when I think about doing this? The second one is kind of what are the things that light me up? What are the things that spark my curiosity? What are the things that I'm drawn to? And the third one is what am I naturally good at? What are some things that just feel easy for me that it just feels easy to get into flow with them? Yeah. So those are three good questions.
Sam: And I think, and the other one, that we sort of touched on is what am I willing to be a beginner at?
Laura: Well, right. What am I willing to be a beginner at? Oh, gosh. And I feel like that. Yeah. So that question just brings up a lot of vulnerability too. So like there's a, there's vulnerability in there, you know, what am I willing to be vulnerable in, in the midst of gosh, it's such a good practice to do something that you are not good at, you know, like that you are not convinced you can do.
Sam: Especially for leaders, especially for parents, I think because for a long time, I did a really intense kind of weightlifting workout thing. That I loved and I loved it partly because I was terrible at it. Terrible. Like I'm the oldest person in the room by 20 years. These children are laughing at me like crazy, but I loved it because I wasn't good at it. I loved that I was learning every single time. I loved it that I was always pushing you to the very limits of my abilities. And I loved watching my ego come up. I love going like, oh, I feel stupid and I want to run away like, yeah, that's how your clients feel sometimes too. That's how your children feel. Sometimes too. Somebody's, you know, you're, you know, somebody's trying to, they're trying to teach me something about a snatch. And I'm like, I don't understand what you're, I don't get it. I don't get what you're saying and then they get frustrated and now I'm frustrated. I'm like, oh yeah, my clients feel this way sometimes too.
Laura: It's humbling and it's good for us. This is why I, so I am a watercolorist so I, I, and I got into it because it's a very challenging and unforgiving medium. You don't have a lot of control over what happens once the paint goes onto the paper, like it's going where it wants to go and you have to be okay with it and, and there is a level of learning to tolerate the vulnerability of being a beginner that is so good for us. And especially for parents who need to have so much compassion for their kids who are figuring out this life for the, you know, for the very first time, so much of what our kids are doing they're doing for the very first time. You know.
Sam: That's right. And, you know, a lot of us are not exactly members of the Happy Childhood Club and, you know, maybe our mistakes were not met with grace. And I think it's one of the things we get to do as parents, as adults is to re parent ourselves, to start to meet our own mistakes with grace and to greet the mistakes of others with grace and to take away some of that burden of perfectionism, that burden of, of just all that pressure, all that pressure.
Laura: Yeah, I think we all still feel that pressure to some extent too, to be enough to feel like what we're doing is enough, you know, to be seen and heard and accepted as we are. I think that that is a lifelong challenge for many of us, you know, to feel worthy.
Sam: Go ahead and say, everybody, yeah, I'm gonna go and say, I mean, almost everybody. I, and I work with Academy Award winners, Emmy Award winners, people whose names, you know, you think, like, well, they can't possibly have any problems. Oh, yeah, they do. Yeah, they wake up in the morning feeling crummy about themselves the exact same way you do. And they don't think that, you know, this is something I hear. Like, I'm just not sure if it's a good idea. Like I have this idea, I'm not sure it's a good idea. And I'm like, there's no such thing as a good idea. There's just ideas. It's only until you start to work it a little bit that you can really only much later. Can you tell if it was a good idea or not? It's much like watercolor. You just start with the thought of like, oh, I'm interested in these blues and greens right now or I'm interested in this hyacinth or I'm interested, you know, like, where is your intuition leading you? And then, and then it's got to be what projects have their own timeline, sometimes their own lifetime.
Laura: And sometimes you just throw things away, sometimes you just throw, throw things away, which is also hard. You know. But sometimes it's like, oh, that didn't work, try again.
Sam: What did I learn? Right. Did I learn? What do I want to do differently next time? Yeah. I mean, again, if we spoke to our children the way we talk to ourselves in our own head, yeah, we would never, somebody would call DCF si mean. Right. So, that idea of, like, you know, I mean, could you imagine your child saying, well, if it can't be perfect, why would they even try it all?
Laura: I mean, yes. Yeah. I mean, I have two kiddos who struggle with perfectionism. So I feel like I've probably heard both of them say those things and you want to say them exactly.
Sam: What you want to say to yourself, which is like, sweetheart, it doesn't, first of all, there's no such thing as perfect and if there was, you'd be bored to tears by it and, and when you think about, you know, the art that we love the movies, we love the songs that we love, the books that we love, the people that we love. Do you love them because they're perfect people? Do you love that movie? Because it's a perfect movie. No, I love that movie because it's a stupid movie.
Laura: It made me feel something that I remember.
Sam: Right. I reread that book because it delights me. Not because it's perfect. Right. So, yeah. The other thing I wanted to circle back to the thought too is this ADHD thing. And in 15 minutes because I have a thing, I started a thing called The Daily Practicum. And it's a subscription thing you can buy. It's on my website. And it's 15 minutes a day at 12 noon, Eastern nine Pacific, five or six in Great Britain. And we just get on top of the hour wave to each other. Start the timer. 15 minutes later, the timer goes off. Everybody turns their cameras back on and they look at me with this post orgasmic glow like, like every single time they're like, oh my gosh, Sam, I did it. I didn't, I made that phone call, I've been putting off that phone call for six weeks and I made that phone call and somebody else says I did it.
I wrote that note. My friend just lost her husband really suddenly and I didn't know what to say, but I really wanted to reach out. So I just, I just did it. I just wrote the note and now it's stamped and ready to go. Or somebody else says, you know, I just sat in the garden with the sun on my face for 15 minutes, you know, or I cleared up this much of the giant pile of paper on my desk or I listen to music or I played guitar or I you know, communed with my animals, you know, or whatever it is. It's amazing how much you can get done in 15 minutes and particularly 15 minutes every day for a week, a month, a year, six years, 60 years, you know.
Laura: Yeah. I think that probably having a set time, you know, some accountability, some knowing other people are doing it at the same time and expecting to see you there. That probably helps. Right.
Sam: That, that, that parallel play we call body doubling, right. That, you know, that other people are working too, that's really helpful. Having it on your calendar is really helpful. And the reason I charge for it is because it helps a few commitments. Of course, commitment. Right. And it's funny because I've got people who show up every day. I've got people who show up sometimes and then I've got people who never show up in person but they stay in it because having it on their calendar every day means that they remember to do it at their own time, you know?
Laura: Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a really interesting idea and I, so I think that having that 15 minutes of just space for your own pleasure and enjoyment is something that I think parents especially don't get, I think that parents spend so much of their time in service of others and we really forget about ourselves in so many ways too. And so I love it. Oh, go ahead.
Sam: I think, I think a lot of, you know, there's a lot of scope creep that's happened for parents. I notice. Right. Tell me more about that phrase this time of year. Right. So, we're recording this at the end of October. And the Halloween stuff has been up for six weeks. Right. And not, not to be all like, hey, you kids get off my lawn, but when I was a girl, Halloween was one day, it was one day you made an outfit out of whatever dress up clothes you had or whatever you could find in your house and you dressed up like something and you went around and you collected candy and money for UNICEF and that was the end of the story. Now, it's like, it's like a six week thing and you've got to decorate the house and it's spooky season and there's a party and then there's another party and then there's the gift bags for the party and then there's the gift bags for the outfit for the party and they have to get this costume and like this is a lot of work.
Laura: Can we unsubscribe to some of these things?
Sam: Can we unsubscribe from Spooky season? It's all y'all. It's like, no, I know I don't need a pillow to tell me I got it.
Laura: I mean, so I think what you're talking about here is having some intentionality and some awareness of the way these things have creeped into our lives. And I think that, you know, maybe there's always been people who do those things but because we didn't have social media in the eighties showing us the, the 10 people in our city who had crazy, you know, like over the top Halloween decorations, we just didn't know what was happening. You know, we didn't know, like, like, okay, you know, there's, maybe there was always that one house in the, you know, in a city that had like a, you know, a huge light display at Christmas. But like most of the time, we did not have a lot going on, you know, so there's this understanding that our level of awareness of what other people are doing has increased too, right? And so with that, we have to kind of reel ourselves in and kind of have a filter of like, so what am I going to make this mean for me? Right. So I'm seeing all these people are doing, that's great for them. What am I doing?
Sam: And I like to always bring this up as policy decisions. I have a policy decision that I don't decorate for the seasons, a policy, I have a policy decision. I don't, I don't participate in that. I have, I also have a policy decision that I'm allowed to have all of the pens. I can buy any pen anytime because I love pens, right? So I'm not gonna give myself a hard time about the pens. Like, you know, I have a policy that I have housekeepers come once a month because they do a way better job than I do. And it's worth it to me to buy that time back and to give a good job to somebody else who's great at it. You know, my sister has a policy that on Sundays, she not only preps, meals for her family but she also preps, like her own little salad bar. So she always has these little of all these beautiful chopped vegetables and chicken and all kinds of stuff. I'm like, she's like, come over to my house for lunch. I'm like, yeah, because she's got the amazing salad bar and it doesn't take her 20 minutes to do. Right.
But all of a sudden now she's got a healthy fresh lunch for herself every single day. Right. So, what are the little decisions that you can make that just cover a whole thing? You know, we have a policy decision. We don't as a family, we don't do things on Sunday evenings. That's our family time. As you know, we have a decision, we have a policy decision of no electronics at the table, you know, at the dinner table. We have a policy, you know, and to be able, and I think it's very helpful, especially for children, but also for grown ups to be able to say no, this is not up for debate. This is, this is how this is in this family.
Laura: Yeah, the no tech at the dinner table policy is just as much for me as it is for them. Like I like, I like this policy idea. I'm trying to think about the policies that we have. We have no outside commitments on Fridays because that's our family time Friday evenings, we have a,no one is allowed to sleep with technology in their bedrooms, adults included, we all have to plug in and charge in the, at the counter downstairs in the kitchen. We have like, we have no outside shoes in the house policy because that makes my life easier in terms of sleeping four times a day where some of my other policies like wrestling and rough housing have to happen in the basement or outside. Like I'm just trying to think about some of the other ones. Sorry. It's good to think about those policies. I like that. I like that and that it's, oh, gosh, rules are so stuffy, you know, like rules feel very limiting and confining versus a pol like making a policy decision. Feels more like this is how I'm choosing to have my life go right now. Do right. Like.
Sam: Absolutely, and as an entrepreneur and a business person, you know, I get to do that for my team too, you know, we have a, we don't after hours, like, yes, with what you've got to do it, you know, you're done at six no matter what. Like, I don't want you staying late or staying up or getting, working early, like, no, do it on time. You have to work and, you know, and if you're sick, take the day off. Like, I don't.
Laura: Yeah, I only record podcasts on Tuesdays. That's my policy. And if a guest wants to be on and they can't be there on a Tuesday and then I say, good luck, you can find another cast to be on. I wish you nothing but the best.
Sam: But I don't know. I don't work. I have a policy. I don't work Friday afternoon.
Laura: Yeah. Great. I mean, so good. I like, I like this idea of policy. So, like, maybe that is something else too that you can be thinking about. What are some of the policies that you have around your life? You know? And, and I mean, I think we're, we're talking about policies, but these are ultimately their boundaries, right? Boundaries with, with ourselves, with our, with our life, with our energy, with our time. And it's good to have those boundaries.
Sam: It's amazing how quickly it shuts down conversation with other people, you know, like, oh, can you come, you know, help with the bake sale on Friday night? You know, it would be really fun and Jennifer's gonna be there and Steve, we really use you, please, please. And you like, no, I'm sorry, we have a policy of flight financial for family, you know. Thanks so much for thinking of me. Yeah, it's not going to pressure you after that.
Laura: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, thank you so much, Sam. I really liked this conversation and I really liked your, your firm stance that we do 15 minutes a day that's solely for ourselves and solely in our, kind of zone of pleasure, solely in our curiosity, our enjoyment. I think that we give a lot as parents and it's okay and not even okay, but necessary. I like how kind of overt you've been about that, that it's necessary that it's good for everyone, for us to be tending to ourselves in that way.
Sam: That's right. And I think again, it's something we want to model for our children, children believing that to be a good parent. You have to be self-sacrificing every moment of every day.
Laura: No, I definitely don't want that right.
Sam: You want a mom for them? Like, no, sorry, this is mom's time. Deal with yourself for 15 minutes at the quarter past, you know, and even, and again, even if you spend 15 minutes just writing, I don't know what to write. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I hate my life. Like, great. Get it out. Better out than in, as my grandmother would say, better out than in like, you know, dick around for 15 minutes. But like, don't, like, don't check your email. Don't make dentist appointments. Don't, you know, play candy crush. Like, really have it be an intentional time to nourish your garden, your soil, your air, your life, your sunshine.
Laura: Yeah. Really? Tending to yourself. I love that. Thank you so much. Sam, will you let our listeners know where they can connect with you and learn more from you because I'm sure they're going to want to.
Sam: Absolutely. I would love that. Yes. I'm at the real Sam bennett.com. If you go to the real Sam bennett.com, you know, my team keeps threatening to make the fake Sam bennett.com, which is me just sitting there like with a glass of scotch going don't do anything. No one cares why bother. So the websites, therealsambennett.com, the books are everywhere you can buy books and I'm therealsambennett on almost all the socials. So.
Laura: Okay, cool. Well, I'll make sure I have those links in the show notes. I really appreciate your time in sharing with us today. Thank you.
Sam: I love being here. What a great conversation. What a good service you're doing to the world by bringing these conversations forward. Thank you.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
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All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!