Episode 102: How to Heal Our Own Wounds with Sonnet and Veronica
/One of my biggest fears as a parent is that I will pass down hurts, wounds, fears, and thought & behavioral patterns that have not served me well. That through my own unconsciousness and wounding that I will hurt my child in the same way that I was hurt. That they will worry about their worth. That they will struggle with not feeling good enough. That they will feel pressure to be anything other than the imperfect beings they are.
In the beginning I thought I could just study and muscle my way through this. That if I just read enough and applied what I learned that I would be fine. So I read allllll the books. I took diligent notes in my grad classes. I memorized the phases, did the workbooks, did all the things. And still.... (You know where this is going right??)
There were (and still are!) moments where all of that went out the window and my parents' voice fell from my mouth, with the very words I swore to myself that I would NEVER say to my kids. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I knew it wasn't how I wanted to show up, and yet, it felt unstoppable.
I know I'm not alone in this experience, right? If this happens for you, I'd love to hear from you, right now! I can't respond to everyone, but the act of telling your story, writing it down, saying ME TOO! Can help you feel not so alone, like we are in this together.
And while I can't give you all the answers in this email (I don't even have them all!) I CAN tell you what has helped me so much: Understanding that each an every time I get triggered, my brain and body are offering me an opportunity for my own healing. And it is only through attending to my OWN wounds, that I have any hope of not passing them down to my children.
This is at the heart of healing through our parenting. Our kids crack us open and shine a light on all of the healing we have to do, and it is up to us to head that call. We will absolutely make mistakes, and I know you may not want to hear it, but your kids likely WILL have their own work to do when they are grown up. But if you are with me in this journey, and I think you are, they at the very least won't have the SAME work, right? Because we will have done ours. That's all we can do. And it's enough.
And that is what we are going to focus on in this week's episode! I am so excited to introduce you to Sonnet and Veronica of Raising Children You Like and Conscious Mommy (two of my favorite Instagram accounts!). They are two friends who became mamas and started their motherhood journey together. Their mission is to help parents deepen their connection with their children by understanding their underlying needs and healing their old wounds in the process. And that's what they are going to bring in this conversation.
Here is a summary of our discussion:
The inner work we need to do as parents
How to heal from our past wounds and not pass it to our children
How to raise a child with empathy, resilience, and compassion
To get more support and resources, follow Raising Children You like (@raisingchildrenyoulike) and Conscious Mommy (@consciousmommy) on Instagram.
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic overwhelm. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do; not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello everybody, this is Dr. Laura Froyen and on this episode of The Balance Parent Podcast, we are going to be digging in to how the powerful and important work of healing your own wounds actually happens so that you can parent from a place of confidence and that's fully healed and not pass on your wounds, your stuff to your kids.
And to have this conversation with me. I brought in the creators of one of my favorite Instagram accounts,Raising Children You Like and the host of a beautiful podcast, Not Your Mother's Podcast. So we have a Sonnet and Veronica here and I'm gonna let them introduce themselves to you. Why don't you tell me a little bit more about who you are and what you do? And then we're going to dive into that good old wound healing stuff.
Sonnet: Thanks for having us. We're so excited. This is Sonnet and I'm one third of Raising Children You Like with Veronica and Brianna Kappa. And we started our podcast, Veronica and I, Not Your Mother's Podcast on a search to find the answers to the things that people weren't talking about.
We became new moms together and we just kept having this question of like why isn't anybody talking about this? Why isn't anybody talking about this? Why isn't anybody talking about this?
We sought out the experts and the people who were talking about it and we started interviewing them and asking them like actionable questions like what can we do to change this? What can we do to shift this in our life or you know, really give our listeners an action plan as well as ourselves.
And so one of our guests was Brianna Kappa and I was also taking a mommy and me class with her. She's a life marriage family therapist and infant mental health specialist and she just was talking about things that resounded so deeply to us, both of our background is in digital marketing and I'm a singer and songwriter also and she, we were like, let's create something together.
So toddler parenting course and platform to help support parents, everything from tantrums and discipline without yelling to really identifying and understanding the inner work that has to happen kind of in tandem with handling our children because we see our triggers come up and we often put those on our children. And what we want to do is examine them and look at them and heal them ourselves so we don't pass those on to our children.
Veronica: Yeah, it was great. And also just to add to it a little bit too is like, you know when you become a toddler parent, you start realizing, like, you know, you go onto Instagram and you start getting all these scripts and all these hacks and like, oh, you know what to say and you know how to say it. And because in the beginning you don't know what you're saying, you're like they're hitting and like, I don't know how to stop the hitting or I don't know what to say when they're having a meltdown and I don't want to and you're trying to be mindful, right?
Like there's like this whole like conscious parenting movement happening, but like what does that even mean? And so what we kept running into is that we kept saying the right things, but we were still upset about the behavior. So like how we were showing up was changing, but the inside of us wasn't changing. We were still upset, we were still triggered, we were still feeling like there is some more work to do.
And that's ultimately like why Raising Children You Like is much more different than a lot of the parenting courses out there because we go beyond the behavior and really identify and meet our own needs so we can not pass that down to our children.
Laura: Absolutely, I really do love and appreciate that. I think that there's almost these parallel tracks, right? So when you are first learning how to show up differently with your kids, parent differently, that's different than what you're seeing, different than what you experience, you do need some scripts.
But ultimately, I know for the folks that I work with, I don't want needing me to tell them what to do and say. I want them being able to tune in, turn inward, check with their inner compass and their inner wisdom and be confident that what they are choosing, they are actively and consciously choosing to do in their parenting is in alignment with what they truly believe and what they, with their core values and their goals for their kids.
And you can't do that if you haven't done the inner work because if you were checking in with yourself and you're checking in with all those wounds and you're reacting out of fears and worries and and hurt, then you can’t always trust yourself. You know what I mean?
Veronica: Yeah. Gosh, it's such a great way of putting it. If you check in with yourself and you check in with all your wounds, then you're getting the wrong answers because you're thinking like, well, it's my child's job to change here because you're checking in with an old limiting belief that says children should be, for example, like children should be, should obey at all times or like my child is out of control because they are crying and I need to get them to stop crying because they should be seen and not heard.
And so we get so triggered by this behavior and when we check-in, we think, well that's because they should be seen and not hurt. But when we dig a little bit deeper and we're like, why do we think that? Well, why are we so uncomfortable with my child having big emotions? You know, it's one thing to say, I don't like the behavior of hitting. It's not okay to hit, but it's okay to be upset. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be sad. Why are we not making space for that?
And so when we look at what is coming up for us, it's hard to examine that. It's hard to look underneath and say, oh, maybe that's a false narrative there and really I wasn't given space as a child to have a big emotion or I wasn't taught that it's okay to take up space and be loud or ask questions.
And so how do I reframe that and rework that dialogue in my mind so that I can start making space and showing up for my child so that I can set the limit in a healthy way. Yes, we don't hit, but show me your anger in another way. Like let's talk about why you're mad or let's figure out another way to work through that rather than just shut it down.
Sonnet: And also just like teaching acceptance of all the feelings. Like it's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit our bodies. You know, if you need some space and you can have some bubble space and also like teaching them that they don't have to be alone with their feelings. You know, we were all raised to be, go into your room and come out when you're ready because that message is, is like I can't handle your emotions so you need to go deal with these big scary feelings on your own.
And that's the way society is, right? Like we favor prisons over schools. Like you can just tell by the funding like follow the dollars. People would much rather just be put away than to actually teach them how we want them to be in society.
And that was another thing is like consequences, like, children need consequences. That's how they're going to learn, but it's like, well no, they learn by telling them what you expect. Like they're new to the world, you're just saying negative things like don't do this, don't do that. Like you're telling them what you don't want. And so they're kind of like, okay, well what do you want? You know, you're not telling me what you want and and so like what we love about this work is the reparenting process can happen in any relationship, right?
Like this is just human relationships. We're just seeing it from a parent-child perspectives with specifically toddlers and so it's applicable with so many people, but it's just great to see it from on the smaller scale of like children and parents because like that's where we're, that's where we're at, you know. And that's and if we can get them in this transformational time, we're really setting the foundation for when they do have bigger feelings and they do have bigger problems. They have the tools to know how to like check in with themselves and also like trust that a parent is going to be there and understand where they are emotionally.
Laura: I love that. I really do believe that our kids are really good at showing us where we have work to do. I think that sometimes in the conscious parenting world, it gets put on kids a lot like that they, you know that our kids are triggering us or that it's their job to be our teachers.
Like I feel like I hear that a lot that it's that our kids are our greatest teachers and sometimes it puts up to me too much responsibility on the child. The child is just being a child, they're just being themselves and when them and their selfness and their toddler -iness and their two -ness, or their three -ness, wakes stuff up inside of us or shines a light, you know, onto a shadowy bit for ourselves, or part of ourselves that we've cut off for the world has told us isn't lovable or acceptable.
It's not their job to shine that light, they just do. And it's our job to recognize when that's happening like in the moment and heed that call. Heed that call to healing that they are calling us to. You know what I mean?
Veronica: I love what you're saying.
Laura: Okay. And so then if that's, let's say we've got a toddler who triggers us all over the place, who's waking us up, showing us all of our shadowy bits, what do we do in that moment?
Veronica: I mean the first thing to do is just that awareness where we start getting, we take a moment, you take a breath, you get back into your body, you're like, okay, I'm being triggered right now because we often just react and we're not even aware that we are triggered.
We're just like I need to react to my child and start yelling, I start limit setting, I start telling them can't do rather than take a moment and and acknowledged and become aware that I'm being triggered right now by my child's behavior. And then start seeing how that feels in the body, and start bringing yourself back into your body. So we tend to leave our bodies in those experiences because we are feeling either like tiger mode, flight flight for free.
It's like our toddler is sending us into this experience where we all of a sudden have to fight tigers and we remind ourselves, one of the biggest things that helps me in my moments. It's just reminding myself my child is not a tiger. My child is a three year old toddler who is having her experience in the world and I can handle this and I can examine where I show up here.
So finding that self regulation. It starts with just getting back into your body and then we have some breathing exercises to help if you need to take a break if you have older children or your children are safe place and you can say, I see that you really need my help right now, mommy needs to go calm her body for a second. I'll be right back.
If your children are safe and you can leave. It is okay to step outside for a second and take a breath, come back and then you can lead in with behavior shifting the behavior, speaking to that, acknowledging their emotions, all of the things that we can go into more detail. But that first step is to just become aware that you're being triggered and to regulate your body and then handle the behavior once you're handled and then you start identifying. Later, you reflect. Why was I triggered? Why does that behavior, how come every time my child hits me or screams, I feel triggered?What is it about that behavior?
And in our course; we have a two part course. The second part takes the list, the audience member through identifying your triggers and undoing the work. Like where did it come from? How can I restructure it? What are those blocks there? Because most of the time they're there because it served a purpose in our life at some point, we'll mechanism, and it no longer is and it's something we don't pass on to our child as a surviving mechanism.
So how can we restructure it? Take down that block and build a bridge between ourselves and that child so that we have a connection rather than just like a, a wall where we no longer are connecting to our child. So we really take you through the work of that. Take you through building and creating boundaries with our whole set and hold method.
It starts with that moment of becoming aware, taking you out of the reaction and into the responding net from their growth
Sonnet: And that's the preventative piece, right? Like in order for you to access regulation, it's you you practice it when you are regulated and you practice it when you're not heated and you practice like the your self care. And we talk about self care so much, but it's not just like getting your nails and your hair done. It's like truly knowing that you're worth as a person deserves minutes to yourselves like throughout the day because a lot of times it's hard.
It's hard to put down the to-do list. It's hard to put down the expectations that we put on ourselves, that our partners put on ourselves, that our children put on ourselves. And it's like if you truly truly don't have the capacity to hold for others, like you're going to fall apart.
You're going to have those ruptured moments, you're going to feel guilty for not responding in the way that you knew that you like you knew how to but you didn't have the band with and you know. It's like all these pieces really come from a preventative standpoint.
So it's really about like just getting even together with your parenting partner--if you have one--weekly just to kind of talk about like the things that worked, the things that didn't, and then both of you scheduling some time to yourselves to do the things that you enjoy doing before you were a parent that bring you back to that whole person that you were before you just poured yourself into your children.
Because not only do you does that create the space for you to actually parent from a place of where you intend to, but it also models to them, like what it's like to be a whole person, like a true happy person that has all these areas in their life that are lit up with the things that make you passionate, that make you you, that make you unique, that make you interesting. You know, if you drop those things, it's not good.
Veronica: It's so exhausting to do that.
Laura: Totally is. It's so exhausting and we want to be modeling for our kids, right? So, I think one of the things I love about what the conversation that we're having is because we're talking about enacting in our generational change, right? So we are showing up differently in the moment with our kids than how we were shown up with, right?
So we are not using punitive measures. We're talking about connecting first. We're talking about guiding--discipline as guidance and teaching as opposed to punishment and consequences. So we're showing up differently so that they don't have things to unlearn. But we're also modeling just a more full, vibrant and fulfilling life too at the same time, and that's an important aspect that I think it's overlooked, like on the conscious parenting side of things.
This type of parenting that we're talking about, you know that you talk about on your podcast and I talked about a lot, it's more effortful. We have to be taking even more care of ourselves in order to be able to do it well, you know, to widen that window of tolerance and increase our capacity to stay calm.
Veronica: Yeah, because it's it's a lot easier just to be dormant, right? It's easier to be unaware. It's easier to react. It's easier to fall asleep at the wheel. But for you to show up consciously and aware that you're doing something and then having the capacity to unlearn and relearn like in the same moment, is so difficult. Because it's a new muscle, you know, but it's like, like any muscle, the more that you practice it, the easier it is to access.
And that's why it's important to do it when you're not triggered because like your best self, like after your period you're like, all right, I'm going to do all this stuff. I have all the energy and then when your period comes, you're like, I have no energy. You know, that's not the time to rebuild. It's the time to like think about all the things that didn't work.
And it's the same with when you're learning new things. It's like when you feel that energy to like propel you forward, like put your best foot forward and do everything that you want. So when it is time for you to access at those moments in the hard times you have that muscle already worked out.
Laura: Yes, I so agree. It's you know, the parenting this way is a marathon, right? Not a sprint and so we need to be training outside of the race.
Sonnet: I love what you said also just that, it is full on and we have to model the behavior ourselves, but we are raising ourselves in a new way and we get to show up for our children, but we're being such better people, you know, really healing our own wounds by digging into that work and not that you're not a better person if you don't do it, but you know, we're just pushing up against our edges to just keep growing and that's the kind of work that always lights me up. You know, it always is just like what else are we doing if we're not digging into that? So yes, it is more involved and it does require us getting uncomfortable.
But through that modeling of behavior, we are like, I just read something the other day that said, you know, I'm going to love my summer body because my daughter is watching and so we're all changing our narrative around just loving our bodies because we realize that our children have been watching just like we watched our children in this time we watched our parents and this generation, we're going to change that so that we have a different dialogue that's happening.
And that's just one of the very many aspects that we model the behavior, but you see how it it truly makes us happier and more round when we can increase that window of understanding.
And what I'm trying to say is just that we also benefit from it. You know, just as much as our Children do and as much as they get the skills of processing their emotions and don't take on our baggage, we are benefiting from this work as well because we are healing and showing up motivated to show up more whole.
Laura: Yeah. Sonnet, I think you're bringing up a really important point. I think so often for parents, in order to convince them to do this work, we have to convince them that it's good for their kids. They really won't do it for themselves. If we tell them like it's good for your kids, they'll do it. But I think you are really highlighting like it's good for your kids because it's good for you and it's okay also to do things that are just good--for you for the sole purpose that it's good for you.
I really like makeup and stuff. I have these really fancy nails on right now. You know, it brings me joy. These are solely for me, not like me and then they like what they cost, you know, it's like those little like gel strips that you can put on like 10 bucks that it costs a lot of money, and it but it was my time. It was my enjoyment. It was thinking about how they are looking when the sun catches the light on. You know, when they glitter catches the light of the sun on them, they bring me a little bit of joy. That's for me.
And it is so important to do those things. Not like and for people to know for people to hear like it's okay. Like that's not selfish. And yes, it does benefit your kids. Yes, my daughters are watching me do things just for my pleasure, just for my joy. They are watching and they're learning how to be a mom. They're learning how to be a woman. They're learning about their worthiness. And even if they weren't, I would still be worthy a little piece of joy, a little spot of pleasure in my life. Even if they weren't watching.
Veronica: I love that.
Laura: I mean that was your point. That's what you were saying, that like I really do think that, like we often do have to convince parents to do this work to invest in their growth for their kids. But really at the end of the day, you're worth it all on your own. I really appreciate that you bring that message forward.
Sonnet: I also am motivated by like tell me it's good for my kids and I'll get in there. You know, it's like the biggest motivating factor, but then when you get in there and you're like this is hard. You're like okay, but I deserve to be here too. Like, you know, this whole process is bringing something for all of us to the table.
Veronica: Well, even like when you are in that reflective time and you're thinking about why you respond to the way that you did or you know where these triggers are coming from, you visit those old wounds, right?
Like my mom, I grew up with a depressed mom. My dad died when I was four and I kept finding myself like when I fall asleep at the wheel, like, I find myself being like a depressed person and I'm just I'm not naturally, but like when it comes to parenting, like I found myself like with my eyebrows furrowed and kind of just like not as excited and not as spunky as I consider myself to be. And it was like I was replaying this like old tape of like moms are depressed, you know, like my my mom was depressed, so that means maybe I'm going to be a depressed mother.
And so it's not like until I really start examining that, like, oh wow, like I'm just passing that down unconsciously like I'm just not even thinking about what I'm doing or how I'm showing up because I'm playing this old narrative and that's where you know my worthiness comes in like no, I deserve to be a happy mother.
I deserve to be the mom that I know that I can be. I deserve to heal my--the pain of my own childhood and I get to be a mom and be able to write my own narrative because I can take the pieces from my past and build something new. I don't have to just carry the entire load.
Laura: Yes. And also, how? I know that there are people here who are listening right now who are like, yes, yes, this is like, and how do we do it? Like, so what, what does that look like in practice on a daily basis? I know that you both have toddlers. How old are your kids these days?
Sonnet: I have a two and a three year old.
Laura: You're in it, you are in it. Yes, I started working with parents when my kids were three and one and yeah, you know, they're eight and six now and I mean it's a different lot, you know, and the work looks different now with older kids. But for you two, what does that look like in the moment on a daily basis? What does healing old wounds actually look like? What does that mean?
Veronica: For me it's creating pockets in the day of like self worthiness and self acceptance. So like every morning, I wake up and I just start with gratitude. So it's like, I'm not, I'm already filling it up right? I'm just thankful.
Like if I wake up cranky, I just start with the little things like thank you for a roof over my head, food on the table, a healthy family. And kind of that kind of just gets the ball rolling and then I'll do a five minute meditation and then I'll journal just like any thoughts like good, bad ugly, like whatever they are just journal and then I work out because I need to because I'm just so crazy if I know if I don't work out.
And then like throughout the day I just, you know, I do everything that I need to get done, but when the girls are taking a bath, I'll give myself a facial massage and I'll tell myself like, I appreciate everything that I want to hear. Like everything that I expect like my partner to say or like things like that.
Like I would say like I appreciate you for making dinner today and doing the dishes immediately after and not, you know, not making another task for yourself. And I appreciate that you're so thoughtful of you with your friends and I'm so happy for you that you called your relative because you've been thinking about them and you actually took action.
So like I say all these things to myself that I want other people that I think that I expect other people to tell me like how they appreciate me and how like how I'm showing up and while I massage my face because I have a lot--my go to is anger when it comes to, like, being triggered.
And so I have a lot of stress in my jaw or my eyebrows get furrowed. So I kind of just like, bring attention to those spaces and kind of just like, massage them out and then give myself, like, a body massage and really just, like, words of affirmation. Just saying, like, I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself, you know, and things like that, because it's all preventative. It's like the preventative piece.
Laura: But Veronica, what you're talking about is meeting your own emotional needs. So often we all, like, most of us grew up in a home where we were responsible for other people's emotional needs. And we never we had no one modeling the healthy aspect of taking responsibility for your own emotional needs.
And that's what you're doing. You're saying I need affirmation. I need to be shown appreciation and I, why put that in someone else's hands who I have no control over when I can offer that to myself? And it can feel good and I can believe it and it's soothing to me. That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us. And modeling that for all of us. That's beautiful.
Veronica: Yeah, that's been probably the most transformative thing of it all because my expectations are just put on myself and I get to meet the need knowing that what I seek when I'm doing like attention-seeking behavior like good or bad. It's because I'm just like looking to be acknowledged and so now I can just acknowledge myself.
Laura: With that also does so like I can't help but take my marriage and family therapy lens. You know--that's one of the places where my background is. That also helps you have more authentic and grounded relationships with other people.
Because if we're looking for other people to meet those needs and we're not communicating those needs very clearly to them. If it's kind of just simmering under the surface, that's where resentment builds. That's where we start doing love tests; where we're saying like if they really loved me, they would know what I needed to hear them. They would know.
And it puts a lot of burden on relationships and by meeting your needs yourself. You are unburdening the other relationships in your life. It’s beautiful. Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, that's so true. What about for you, Sonnet?
Sonnet: One of the aspects for me has just been, I've spent a lot of time looking at my triggers or where, where things get sticky for me and for me it was around boundary work. Around holding boundaries for my child and also modeling healthy boundaries in my behavior and when I started kind of uncovering it, I kept coming up against this idea that like having setting boundaries meant that I didn't love them or that I was showing them that I didn't love you because I'm not just, I'm being too firm or that's how I am with other people by saying yes to everything.
So by really holding this container and what does that look like and being super clear this is what I need. And the more that I dug into it, the more I really was able to see. Like it's not just about the boundaries; it's about this messaging that somewhere along the way I was taught that just be a good girl and say yes and be like that's what, that's where you get your compliments, that's where you get your self worth, that's where people say, oh you're doing such a great job, you're such a good girl.
And so reprogramming that messaging, they're saying I am enough. Like I am worthy of the things that I need and if I need to take that time to give to myself, like I it's I'm worthy of that. By setting this boundary, it shows up not just in boundary work because that's like a big undercurrent that just really shows up in a lot of places.
But for boundaries, it's very clear because I'm working with the toddler and I need to set some boundaries and I need to hold those boundaries and I need to model to her what boundaries look like.
So that was like the first indicator and as I kept going deeper, I started seeing, you know, really like, my place was like you mentioned, you know, a lot of us were from that parentification place where I really took care of my parents or my mom and didn't have a dad.
And so how can I repair it myself now so that I can have that space and that understanding? And that it's not just about being a good girl and a yes, and you know, that boundaries actually mean I love you and that boundaries mean I care and that I can hold from boundaries and that I'm not my mother, you know?
So just all of that work comes up as used to keep digging and like, I'm sure I'm going to get two more layers, you know, next week. So it's not just like you're just healed. It's like you're healing as you're parenting your child and like, you guys are both doing this together and you don't just get to the end. You just keep going and you can’t keep them anymore.
Veronica: There is no end.
Sonnet: Yeah. Yeah, there's some reason in your mind, you're like, okay, I'm going to get this down and then we're going to be good. But then you're like, whoa, there's more there. That's so interesting. Again that, like, self affirmation really helps to and just becoming aware of the identifying like, oh, this is where I need to pause.
That pause is so big because it's like, oh, don't react. Pause. What's happening for me? What's going on in my body right now? Like what does the boundary sound like? What would a healthy boundary sound like here? Do I need to say, let me get back to you on that so that I can figure out what that healthy boundary looks like, you know, and then get back to that person and that's my,
Laura: What are my work is? What are my fears? Yeah. Okay. I know you all know this, but I love talking about reparenting. I think it's one of the most beautiful things we can do. I love the idea that we are growing up alongside our kids.
I hear from parents a lot that they wish that they had done this work before they were parents and I honestly don't, I mean, I think you can do some work before you’re a parent. But I really don't know that you can do the level of work that we're talking about until you have your partner-- your child there--to show you where the work is.
You know, I just don't think you can. I think it's I mean, I think you can do some, I think you can certainly be. I wish I had been more prepared for the level of work that I had to do. You know, but I do think our kids are really, really good at, you know, as they are growing up, you know, and I don't know about you, but I have found that at each age for my kids, they have shown me little parts of myself that have been wondering like, am I lovable? Am I worthy? I don't know.
So in the reparenting work, I I'm like reparenting myself at the ages that my kids are, you know. So especially like my just turned six year old and my eight year old, you know, they are at these ages, like a lot of my stuff, my work is at those ages for myself. And what's beautiful about reparenting is that your inner children, they don't know that you're grown up. They just feel like hurting six year old or hurting three year old, you know, that's all they vary.
The subconscious is very interesting in that way. I do have a question for you all. One thing that I get asked a lot by parents is how to do this work if you don't have specific memories from your childhood, like if you really don't remember what happened. You know it wasn't that great or you know, or maybe you have a general feeling of like it was a kind of a normal childhood, there wasn't anything really bad, but you don't have any specifics. Can you, do you feel like you can do this work, this healing work?
Sonnet: Yeah, because it starts with questions. So you just ask like why don't I have memories? And then like take the pause and then really just kind of like sit with that question until the answer comes because the answers do come, like your subconscious does show up eventually, but you have to ask the questions for you to be able to get the answer.
So I would say like if you're having blocked memories because it all lives in your body right? Like the body keeps the score. Like it's it's not gone forever, it's just gone for right now. And so if you just ask yourself, like I wonder what why I blocked that out of my memory and then just kind of sit with it and then just keep asking yourself and the answer will come and you just have to be ready for--you have to be ready for the answer because it's going to come and be like oh that's why that's why.
Veronica: We have this workbook that accompanies the part two of the course. So you go on a journey of exploring and asking these. We set it up so that it's like these progressive questions that you ask and explore and take that you know so little by little. It's not just maybe you're going to find the memory and it's just going to hit you. It might be like you just remember a feeling or then you you don't even have to be like, well I remember in fourth grade this exact thing happened.
It just might be all of a sudden you feel, you know, it starts unraveling and it might not be a specific memory, but then you start realizing like how you felt. Like I didn't feel safe as a child because I wasn't allowed to express my emotions and that might be what comes up for you. Or I was always put on time out or my mom always was mad when I got sad or just these kind of things might come up for you as you work through the workbook.
And so you don't even have to have like a clear memory of exactly when it happened as things start coming up for you and you start understanding what the messages are that you were receiving as a child. You start unraveling it.
Laura: I absolutely agree. And I think too, like some, some folks are justifiably nervous to dig up old memories. Too traumatic memories. And so I really do think like, we can, we can work on the this all in the here now--in the present moment.
What is the story that's here and now? And I think too, like, you know, for a lot of my own personal work, it's very vague. Somewhere along the way, I got the idea that you know, somewhere along the way, I got the message that I, you know, needed to be high achieving in order to have people approve of me. You know, or somewhere along the way, I got the, you know, the idea that if I make a mistake, it makes me unworthy of love. You know, just like those are the script that are there.
We don't have to, I mean most of the time it's not just one instance anyway. It was a pattern of responses that we got a feedback we got from the world.
Veronica: Yeah, exactly, exactly. So I love just putting it back into the here and now where it doesn't feel this like scary. I have to identify like what happened in my life, but it's more of just like separating yourself from the messages that you've internalized as who you are and what you believe in saying.
But do I believe this? Like taking this out and saying that is, does this still serve me? Can I reshape this messaging that I have to be high achieving to be worthy, to be appreciated or can I change that? Do I want to hold on to that as or you know, just like taking out these messages and the here and now. I love that. And really identifying what are those because they're so close to us that we just have internalized them as who we are.
Laura: And our kids just happen to show us-- where they show us where those messages are.
Okay, so if people want to learn more from you and start diving into this work, where can they go to find out about this?
Veronica: Well you can always come over to our Instagram page. We share lots of free content. There are lots of tips, lots of information around all of this, and then our two-part parenting course, I believe you're going to have on your show notes.
So find out the link to it there and everything that you--the link will take you to a page that gives you some video ideas so you'll get little snippets of the course. You'll get to really see, try it on, see if it works for you. All the modules are there, all the information. I'm happy to talk about it here too, but that link will take you there to really dive in and digest if it's a good if it's a good fit for you and your parenting.
Laura: Beautiful. Thank you so much. Any last little things that you would like, that you really want the parents listening to know from either of you? Any last little
Veronica: I think just by being a listener of your podcast, you're already doing a great job. You're already a great parent, you know, just for you to be open to just listening to these conversations is enough to get you on the path. If you feel overwhelmed of like how to get started, the awareness piece is always the hardest because that's what prompts the action. So you're doing great.
Sonnet: Yeah. And I would just add to that just that our children--we’re exactly what our children need. So our journey alongside of them is exactly what they need and exactly what we need and I truly believe that our children--we have everything that they need for us and we're learning alongside of them.
Laura: Those are two beautiful perspectives to end with things.
Veronica: And it's and it's also it's never too late. It's never too late to start. You can always repair. You can always repair as long as you repair any mishaps that have happened like as long as you repair, you take responsibility for your part. Like that's all children need. They are very forgiving and they're more than willing to cooperate and so just always remember that.
Laura: Beautiful. Thank you so much you two. I really appreciate your time and your expertise. You're a gift to this world.
Sonnet: Thank you for having us.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout out and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.
All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!