Episode 104: How to Release Negative Self-Talk for Yourself & Your Child with Dr. Anjani Amladi
/We all have an inner critic; this voice that ever so helpfully (but not always nicely!) tells us all the things we are doing wrong. And while sometimes we are aware of this inner negative voice, because they can be LOUD, sometimes these negative thought patterns are just kind of running in the background, outside of our conscious awareness. And it's hard to tell which is worse right? On the one hand, it can be exhausting to be beaten up from the inside all the time, but on the other hand, at least you're aware of it and can start working with the negative self-talk, right? When it's running in the background and you don't even know it's going on, it can still impact your mood and self-confidence, right?!
What's true for you? Which are you experiencing these days? Are you aware of your inner critic? Are you dialoguing with it? Let me know by hitting comment!
Now, I want you to know that there is a way to release yourself from the vicious habit of negative self-talk. While it is okay to honestly, and compassionately assess ourselves so that we can improve and move toward our goals, engaging in chronic negative self-talk isn't actually helpful. No one learns to do better by being made to feel worse, right?!
And so, if we can learn to free ourselves from this negative inner dialogue, we can not only move more confidently and compassionately toward our goals, but we can also model this for our children in a really powerful way (because they are always watching, right?). And if you've already noticed some negative self-talk cropping up with your kids, don't worry, I've got you covered there too!
That is why for this week's episode, I invited Dr. Anjani Amladi on the show! She is an adult and child/adolescent psychiatrist who takes a holistic approach to patient care. Dr. Amladi has an extensive experience treating a wide range of psychiatric diseases, including ADHD, OCD, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and other mental health issues. Her best-selling book, When the World Got Sick, focuses on guiding parents and children to discuss about the effects of COVID-19 and how to cope during this difficult period.
She will help us learn the following:
Negative self-talk: What it is and how to recognize it in ourselves and in our kids
How to reassure or comfort ourselves and our kids without dismissing the concerns and feelings
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: What it is and how it can help release negative self-talk
To get more resources, visit Dr. Amladi's website anjaniamladimd.com and follow her on Instagram @anjaniamladimd. And get a copy of her book When the World Got Sick HERE.
If you are struggling with how to comfort your kids with anxiety, this book might be for you: Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic overwhelm. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do; not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Dr. Laura Froyen and on this week's episode of The Balance Parent Podcast, we're going to be digging pretty deep into negative self-talk when it happens in ourselves and in our kids and what to do about it.
And to help me out with this conversation, I'm bringing in a colleague, an amazing doctor who's going to help us have peace, all of this out and understand how we can help ourselves and our kids. So everybody please welcome Dr. Anjani Amladi to the show. I'm so happy to have you here. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourself and what you do?
Anjani: Sure. So I am a Medical Doctor. So my specialty is actually Psychiatry. So I specialize in mental health and my subspecialty is actually mini-humans, so tiny humans. So I'm a Board Certified Adult Psychiatrist as well as a Board Certified Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist and my, the vast majority of my practice is kiddos. So 99% of the folks that I see are under 18, but I do see adults too.
Laura: Cool. And are there any age groups that you find yourself working with more that you really like to focus in or any kind of, you know, diagnoses or specific areas that are your favorites.
Anjani: So I love the 20 something honestly. So transitional age youth and I also really like mini-humans, so 12 and under is probably my favorite age group to work with because there's so much fun and they keep you really young. But in general, the population that I probably specialize the most in is under 30.
Laura: Okay, so young adults and teens. Cool. And so going to be talking about negative self-talk and I'm kind of curious if you can just start us off telling us what that is. Can you give us just kind of like a baseline understanding of it? What it looks like? How to recognize it in ourselves and recognize it in our kids?
Anjani: Sure. And I think it's important to mention that negative self-talk is something that we often engage in quite a bit and a lot of times we don't even realize that we're doing it. So it's these kind of negative feedback loops when something happens or it doesn't turn out the way that we expect it to, and then we start associating that action or that outcome with who we are as people, who we are as individuals.
And we say things to and about ourselves that we would never say about other people that we care about. And I think that the difference is, we are attributing characteristics to ourselves that first start not accurate. Second are often not logical and third that we would never attribute to other people that we care about. So that's kind of the cycle that we're talking about when we talk about negative self talk.
Laura: Yeah. And one thing that I feel like it's so tricky about negative self-talk is because we're thinking it about ourselves; we believe it. So we’re so much more likely to actually believe it too, right?
Anjani: Right. It's all connected so that our thoughts or feelings or behaviors, they're all interconnected and any one of those elements can cause an increase or decrease in any of the other two pieces. So our thoughts have a huge impact on our behaviors and vice versa and they can also have a huge impact on our emotions.
And one of the main treatments that we use when we talk about when our thoughts are not quite accurate or not quite logical. They're called cognitive distortions, which means that we're thinking things and feeling things that may not necessarily be accurate. And the target treatment for those symptoms is actually called cognitive behavioral therapy. So you're working on changing your thoughts as well as your feelings as well as your emotions all in one therapy modality which is really neat and it's an evidence-based treatment that works really well for both adults and for kids.
Laura: Yeah, I love CBT. It's one of the most well-researched forms of therapy; great for anxiety and for depression. It's really lovely. And what's amazing is that like in my experience, parents can pretty quickly learn some of these techniques, use them with themselves and also teach them to their kids.
Anjani: Yes. And there is actually a book that came out, I can't remember if it was last year or the year before, but it was within the last couple years. It's called CBT for Parents of Anxious Children. So basically what it is, is parents who are basically quarterbacking, implementing cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to help anxious kids.
So it's helping yourself to help your kids which is a really, really cool concept of the book that I've read. I've recommended its appearance and they, the feedback that I have gotten is that when you learn to kind of manage your own anxiety, then it really helps your kid out to help manage their anxiety as well.
And it's the thing, negative self-talk, we often emulate what we see. So when as, so as parents when we're talking about our own negative self talk, how are we emulating that for our children and how can we change that?
Laura: Yeah, I really love that you're bringing this up because as a Systems Oriented Therapist, I have to see kids in there embedded in the systems that they're in. And you know, it's so important for everybody to understand that how we are with ourselves, absolutely influences how kids are with themselves. And that there's this transaction that happens between us and certainly not in any kind of blaming way, but just it is what it is because kids don't grow up in a vacuum. They grew up in a family, right?
Okay, so if we start noticing some negative self talk and kids like what are some of the things that you might see, seeing that crop up? I know like for me as a parent, I often started seeing that around three or four when they were learning to draw or write letters and start getting frustrated with themselves? Like I can't do this, that sort of thing. What about you? Are there other things that parents can be looking out for? Things that, or common things that you hear in your practice?
Anjani: Probably the most because kids spend most of their time in two places. One, at home and two, at school. So I would say the earliest you'll probably notice it is when kids start going to school, when they start having tasks and specifically new tasks that might be challenging for them that they're learning, is probably the first time that you'll see that kind of feedback loop.
The other place might be sports–and we're not doing a whole lot of that right now because of the pandemic, but that's another place that it can show up and then also in the household if their older siblings or other family members that look like they're having an easier time doing something that they have a difficult time with themselves. You can see it in those areas, but it's usually in the context of some type of challenge where they're really struggling and it's hard.
Laura: Yeah. Oh gosh, You just, you made me think of something as you were talking about that. It's almost as if like once we have a standard or I should like, you should do it this way, that's when kids start bumping up against that feeling of not being good enough or not being able to do it right, and that's such a tender thing.
I know as a parent like we all feel that in ourselves. It's hard to think about our kids feeling that way and I think for many of us our instinct is to be like no, no, no, you're a great drawer, you're so good at sports or you're learning, you're getting better every day. And to kind of move in that kind of I don't know, we want to reassure them, but I think sometimes that comes off as dismissive or downplaying their concerns. Do you have any suggestions for what we can do?
Anjani: Sure. The way that you talk about this is going to be different based on the age group, right? So for adolescents and young adults who are able to abstract, having more logical conversations and being able to kind of use abstract examples to kind of have that discussion about skill level and ability, you know, not equating to value in society or in your household or you know within your the construct of what it means to be successful.
But for younger kids, kind of reiterating the message that it's not about the product, it's about the journey. So if you're doing your best, that is more than good enough. So kind of making sure that we're not invalidating the way that they're feeling because the reality is that there, we cannot all be good at everything all the time and that's something that our kiddos are smart enough to realize and notice that although they might want to be good at everything all the time, it's not possible. Not just for them, but for anybody. So really focusing on this idea that as long as you're trying your best, your best is good enough.
Laura: Yeah, oh and introducing self compassion and self kindness as early as possible, right? You know, for parents who are noticing a lot of negative self-talk in their kids or are experiencing very heightened frustration or angry outbursts when a child is struggling, and they're wanting to get a handle on this and maybe wanting to start doing a little bit of the thought work that can help restructure some of those thoughts.
What are some things that a parent can do at home? I mean obviously I'll put the link to the book that you were mentioning in the show notes. I have a book too that I love for parents of anxious kids, but anyway, what are some of the things that, like where can we start?
Anjani: I think the easiest place and the best bang for your buck because when you're, I was really struggling, individual facetime is really, really important. It’s the fastest way to connect on a personal level and it allows children to not only be seen but also heard as well. So, one of the questions that I often ask families whose kiddos are struggling–having a lot of meltdowns, getting really frustrated, having a lot of outbursts is how much individual facetime are you actually spending with your kid?
And if we really think about one of the promises of therapy when kiddos come into the office and see us for therapy, what are we doing? We're spending complete and total undivided individual attention with the kiddo and they get to share what their day was like, how they're feeling, what's going on in their life. And if you really, really think about that and be really honest with ourselves about that, how often do we give our kids complete and total undivided individual attention? It’s rare.
One of the fastest ways to try to figure out what's going on and help kids feel seen and feel heard is just to sit down and do something–an activity for younger kids. It could be coloring, could be a walk in the park, it could be, you know, washing the dogs together. It could be all sorts of different things. And I think the important thing to remember that it's not a grand, it doesn't have to be a grand gesture.
Kids are very aware of things like financial strain or job stress. They just want to be seen and they just want to be heard and it doesn't take much to do that. Like if you're working and they want to sit down and color on your floor while you do that, great. Perfect.
If you want to go for a walk and just kind of hang out together and you know, what do you see, what are you hear? What are, what are you observing around you and how are you feeling? When you notice these things that make you happy, are always to kind of tap into those three spears to how they're thinking, how they're feeling and it will definitely affect how they behave. So I think that's, that's my one pitch if I can get that across this. If we can spend more individual time with our kiddos, you will get so much bang for your bucks there.
Laura: I think so too. It builds that connection. You know, everybody just wants to be seen and heard and feel like they matter to the people that they love. And it also, I think especially like if you're spending some time in play with them, it helps you get to know them. It helps you get to know what's important to them and what they're thinking about and we have to prioritize it too.
I really do agree with you there, that connection. Especially like if they've been at school all day reconnecting when they come home. And not just over the typical things, I think that sometimes parents try to stack dinner or bath time or reading and use that as their connection time and that's beautiful. But sometimes kids need just 5 or 10 minutes of your undivided attention. It's not a lot.
In other times, the people that I learned from in love, Magda Gerber calls it Wants-Nothing Time where nobody is doing anything other than being together, where you're just dropping into the present moment and they need it. They need that time with us. I love that.
Anjani: And it works. It really works. And what you'll find is it works in adult relationships too. So one of the things that we do in our out of the no phones rule at dinner because we were finding that our phone chime is on and it's like, oh let me check this one email and let me check this one text or let me into this one phone call.
And then with between myself and my husband; we're both very busy, we have full time jobs, we work a lot. We were realizing that we're, the quality time quote unquote that we're supposed to be spending with each other is completely eliminated by the fact that we're letting work invade our personal life. And I think that's also helped–a small example. There are other things that we do too, but small example of the things that I increase connection and just facetime, interpersonal relationships, not just with your children but with your partner as well.
Laura: I think that's so important. That's something that my partner and I when we notice we're getting a little like snippy with each other or feeling a little disconnected, we have a kind of a standard rule of, okay, so when we're noticing that this is going on, that means that our phones go into a drawer at the kids’ bedtime and they don't come out for an hour afterward. And that's, and it just, it takes care of the problem. It's just that one little shift.
I was also reading a study earlier this week where they asked teenagers about how their parents' phone and technology use affected them and what they actually wanted their parents to be doing, and the kids were pretty strong. They opinionated that they did not want their parents on their phones during transition time. So like leaving, picking up from school or during meal times, which was really interesting. Kids feel really strongly about this that they want their parents off their phones. They notice.
Anjani: Yeah. And it's interesting because the behavioral things that you see in younger kids and older kids and teens and young adults, there's a pattern right? There's some want or need that they have that isn't being filled or met in some way. And it causes these behaviors to come out because it's the fastest way to get recognized and seen and hurt.
So what we want to do is try to foster that connection and build those relationships in a more positive way so that we know how to calmly ask for the things that we need because as kids get older, what we want to teach them is you don't have to be in crisis. You don't have to have a meltdown to get your knees yet.
So how can we communicate what it is that we need and what it is that we want in a way that other people are much more likely to respond in a positive way as opposed to a negative way? And that's the whole point is we want our kids to feel connected. We want them to feel seen, we want them to feel heard, we want them to feel loved and know that they have the skills, an ability to ask for the things that they need in a positive way so that their response then in and of itself is positive as opposed to negative.
Laura: Oh, so beautifully sai., I have to tell you, is that I feel like I'm going to take a little tangent for just a moment if it's okay. I work with a lot of families whose kids are working with a psychiatrist and families really struggle to find a psychiatrist who shares that view that you just expressed so beautifully that all behaviors have an underlying need there be communicating.
You said it so beautifully and I, it's rare for me to hear that perspective coming from a medical professional and so I feel like probably people are listening and thinking like how do I get a psychiatrist for my kid like you? Do you have any tips on, that's a big thing trying to figure out who does that take your kid to? Like is there anything that we could be looking for?
I help people find therapists all the time and I have like the inside knowledge of like what the letters behind the names mean and you know what all the little specialty use mean. Do you have any tips for how to find a person who would be aligned with kind of disrespectful parenting approach that you're beautifully discussing?
Anjani: You know it's, that's a good question because I get asked that a lot and it's kind of hard to make a recommendation because of where people are geographically and where certain providers may be licensed.
I have found that people who post psychiatrist specifically with child and adolescent training, seem to be more open to the idea of like a Family Systems Model. It's not to say that adult psychiatrists don't, but we specifically enough training in a Family Systems Model and you don't know what you don't know, right? So if that's not part of your training as an adult psychiatrist, then having that training as a child and adolescent psychiatrist, it just allows for more of an open mind when it comes to family systems and things.
So my recommendation would probably be if you're looking, even if you're looking for somebody who kind of emulates that model. Looking for somebody who has a child and adolescent psychiatry training is really helpful because my whole 13 years of training, that's gotten me to practice as a fully functioning independent provider, I've always been told through that entire journey that if you want to be a good child psychiatrist, you have to be a good adult psychiatrist.
So making sure that you have a strong foundation in adults that you can then use to understand children and when you put those two things together, it kind of comes full both circle. So that would probably be my recommendation.
The other thing is that finding a psychiatrist or any doctor, it's a little bit like trying to figure out what your favorite ice cream is. You may have to try a few people before you kind of align with somebody that you feel comfortable with. And you know that as a therapist, that fit is a really big deal for reasons that are unknown to fit with one provider may not necessarily because for reasons that are beyond anybody's control and that's okay, you don't have to stick with somebody that's not a good fit for you if you don't feel like you align in a way that is helpful as far as moving forward for treatment.
So I've seen personally many patients who have been with the same provider, not just psychiatrist, but primary care doctors as well, pediatricians OB-GYN across the board that they haven't felt really heard them or haven't felt really seen by, sound familiar? Looking to switch journey provider until they find somebody that they really aligned with what they really like, and then everything just go so much smoother when you feel like you can work well together. Because if the relationship is difficult, if it's adversarial and it's not therapeutic, why would I stay?
Laura: Yes. Oh my gosh, thank you for saying that it's so important. Goodness of fit is just, it's so important. And you know, any I'm guessing any doctor any, certainly any therapist who knows their stuff knows how important goodness of fit is and is not going to be offended. They'll help you find like.
Anjani: Exactly
Laura: A good therapist will be like, yeah, it is so important and if it's not here, and we you know, I'm not serving you well, then we gotta find somebody who's right for you. This is, this is not about ego or and if if it is for that therapist, get out and get a different way. You know, if you know, if it's the ego is there, you got to find somebody else because you don't want that. You don't want ego getting in the way of your mental health, your well being.
Anjani: Well. Yeah, this is a conversation. Especially with teens for me, this is a conversation that I find myself having a lot. I generally try to have it with everybody that I've seen in my office that, you know, I'm not necessarily for everybody and that's okay. It's not your fault, it is not my fault. It's just the dynamic for whatever reason, the reasons that will be under control. It's just that's not happening. There isn't a connection and that's okay. What do you feel like you need? And do I know somebody that you know might fit those criteria for you?
So for example, I have a lot of young women who have a history of trauma, who come from male providers, is that I really enjoyed talking to them and seeing them. However, there are things that I want to talk about that I just can't talk about with a male provider, that's okay. So then you know, they go on to meet somebody not necessarily me, but other providers as well that they are much more comfortable with and then that's where the healing process starts. So you have to be comfortable, you have to have a good fit. And if it's not a good fit, there is no shame in moving on and trying to find somebody that is a better fit.
Laura: Yes, and I mean it all circles back to the relationship, right? So just like with our kids, we want our kids to have a good relationship if they have a provider. We want us to have a good relationship, we need that with our kids too. I love that you focused on that so much.
Okay, so yes, the relationship is so important. I do want to give some very practical little like things, a little like many things that parents can do with their kids in the midst of some negative self-talk.
So let's say that kid is drawing and they, you know, they have an idea in their mind of how they want to draw a dragon, for example, my kids are forever drawing dragons, and they didn't turn out right and they've thrown their pencil and just that I can't do it, what do we do?
Anjani: So I think having the discussion about what's happening right now. In that moment, they may not be able to have that discussion. So sitting down and being like well what happened, what's happening right now? And if they're in full meltdown, can pull it together long enough to have that conversation and take a break.
A lot of times, tantrums and behaviors tend to escalate when kids are already feeling overwhelmed, and then when you ask them one more thing is like I can't, I can't do one more thing, you know, stop asking me questions and things like that, you know how it does. So if we need to take a break, take a break.
Redirecting, doing something more fun, making sure that you know, they feel safe, and a lot of times you don't have to say anything, you can just be there. They, you know, I'm really sorry that your drawing didn't turn out the way that you wanted it to but let's try again later when you're feeling a little bit better than you are right now, it's as an example.
Laura: Yeah. And sometimes even just silence, right? Just it, or it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to? Or you had a picture in your mind and your hands can’t get it just right? That's hard. Yeah.
Okay. If you can circle back to it sounds like there's some piece of like getting in touch with reality, like what's really happening, you know, doing a little a few checks maybe of, you know, is it true that you can't draw? Are there never any pictures that you're satisfied with? You know, and doing some reality checking. I find to be helpful with some of my kids. Are there other little like, I don't know, CBT things that are easy to do with our kids?
Anjani: I think that's probably the one that I would go with. That's the one that I can think about the top of my head because it's quick, it's direct and it's in the moment. I think my suggestion would be trying to do things in real-time because in the course of that day, you know, you try to revisit things that make his upset. They may not even remember in that moment what they were upset about. That we kind of lost the opportunity to intervene in a CBT kind of minded approach.
So we want to do things in real-time in a way that's easy to understand and to help bring a sense of relief and ease. If we see that kids are escalating, then we stop or take a break.
Laura: Yeah. And we have to be careful to balance this so that it doesn't mean like they don't feel like we're dismissing their concerns, right? And so one thing that's helpful too I think is adding the word yet to it. Oh, you couldn't get that dragon right yet, you know, or you're working really hard on those pieces and they're just not right yet. You know, putting that in there or you're playing this game and you really wanted to get to that level and you haven't made it yet. So I feel like yet it's a good word. Just Yeah, like that. It's good.
Okay. And then what about with us? We all have negative self-talk that pops in from time to time. When we’re, we find ourselves stuck in the moment and stuck in one of those loops. What are some things that we can do to get ourselves out of it, particularly if we're in a heightened moment with our kids?
You know like today, for example, my kids were mad at me for not letting them crawl through the grass at a dog park that had lots of dog poop in it. You know, heaven forbid, I don't let them crawl through dog poop. You know, I was the bad guy in this scenario. They were really upset with me and in the midst of them being upset and man, like me working with their emotions, I was also upset within myself.
Like there was negative self-talk happening with me, cognitive distortions, things like, you know, I can never do anything right is one that flips through my head a lot that I remember very specifically where I know where that came from in my childhood. So in those moments when, who are flooded with our own thoughts, our kids are also upset. Like what do you have any tips for us?
Anjani: Yeah. You have to find a way to. you have to find a way to calm your nervous system. So we don't think, behave or react very well when we are in a fight or flight kind of mode. Our blood pressure's up, our adrenaline is pumping and we're ready to fight. Yeah.
Finding a way to calm ourselves down whether it's listening to music or taking a quick breath or you know, letting the kiddos sit in the car and then you, you know it’s hot obviously turn on the air conditioning, but take a take up the outside of the, you know.
If you're feeling like the last thing that I can do right now is get in the car with my kids and drive somewhere, then don't. Take a few breaths, grab a sip of water if you have something, and find a way to decrease your heart rate and decrease your blood pressure because you will function much better. You'll interact with your kids much better when you're calm. Nothing good ever happens when we get into discussions or disagreements or arguments when we're already riled up.
I do square breathing, but some people call it box breathing. So if you know, breathing in and then holding it and then breathing out and then holding it, and then just kind of repeating that square until you feel calm and it really helps.
I keep gum in my purse just in case. So if I need something really quick that's tactile to kind of distract me from, you know, whatever it is that's going on, mints work just as well. Making sure that I keep snacks in my purse, it's another thing because I often notice that I'm much shorter with not only with myself but with people that are around me if I'm hungry and also trying to get enough sleep too.
Making sure that we're taking care of ourselves, that we're putting ourselves in the best position to be able to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. Because we often, especially as women, I feel like we put everybody's needs ahead of ours, and then when we start unraveling, that's when things start going to show up in the best way.
And so we have to make sure that we're taking care of ourselves and it all just comes back to getting these feeling seen, feeling heard, feeling loved, being understood. Connection, connection, connection.
And that also means with ourselves, not just with each other as well. If we're feeling disconnected from ourselves, it's really difficult to have loving, caring, meaningful relationships if we're denying that, to our own folks.
Laura: Oh my gosh, I'm so glad that you said that. I think it's so important. The idea that we can cultivate a kind, compassionate inner dialogue with ourselves. You know, I think if we're engaging in negative self-talk, we can't just let it run. You know, cultivating a voice that can talk back to it. Not a cruel voice, not an unkind voice; a nice gentle voice that can slowly kind of be like, is that true?
So like the thought of like, you can't like God, I can't do anything right? Or I'm a terrible mom pops into my head. My like my kind voice is, huh? Yeah. You're feeling bad right now, but is that true? Just like so like, curious and gentle. Is that true? Are you actually a terrible mom? Mm What's the evidence for that? You know? Yeah. Just those little curious questions with yourself are so important.
Anjani: Yeah. And I think also in those moments when you're really feeling not so great is finding the exact opposite of that? So, in that example of how you, like feeling like a terrible mom on the flip side of that, what is something that I did really well today and what went really well today?
It may not have been much if it was a rough day, but what is one thing that you did well. And then a lot of times when we start thinking about the one thing that we did well, we started thinking about the bunch of other things that we did well or the things that went well. Even it's on some days, it doesn't seem like there's a lot. There's always something
Laura: I love that too. And our, you know, our brains really like what we can put them on a search mission and they will find things to confirm, you know what we think about ourselves. So if we're thinking I'm a terrible mom, they will go and find all of the evidence for being a terrible mom. But if we're thinking about, you know, we put them on the, on the job of searching for the evidence that we're a pretty great mom, they can find those things pretty easily. I love that.
That reminds me of a practice that I do with my family. Every day we ask, we go around the table at dinner and we share one thing that we did really well today, one mistake that we made and one way that we were kind to ourselves in the midst of the mistake. I feel like that helps in structuring, I don't even just like the idea that we make mistakes every single day and every single time we do, we can be kind to ourselves, you know, we don't have to beat ourselves up. Yeah.
Anjani: That's great. I love that.
Laura: It's something that my husband and I like if the kids aren’t into it, my husband and I will just do it too. Like we don't make the kids do it, but we certainly model it. I think you know, going back to how what we were talking about at the beginning, I think the way we talk to ourselves is incredibly important and we have to be modeling good self talk to our kids
Anjani: And I hope, and I want to reiterate that if you have an episode of one negative self-talk kind of experience and your kids see that you're not damaging your kids, for like, we do this all the time. It's about severity and it's about frequency.
So what we want to do is model a good positive self-talk and minimize negative self-talk. We want to decrease the severity and decrease the frequency of negative self-talk. If this is something that happens every once in a while, you're not damaging your kids for life, they're not going to pick up this habit and that's the only thing that they're going to be able to do.
It's about modeling the process as well of being kind to yourself. It's not about being 100% perfect. I'm never going to engage in negative self-talk. It's about putting in the effort and showing your kids that we are constantly adapting and overcoming difficult situations and that as adults, we make mistakes too and that we want to try to be better, not just for ourselves, but for our kids and our families too.
So I think that's something to really reiterate because I think unfortunately we often do a lot of parent shaming. Sometimes directly, but mostly indirectly I would say and this feeling of the perfect parent, you know, perfect provider, that it doesn't exist. We all make mistakes. Yeah.
Some days are better than others. And I think, I think that's something I really want to drive home is that when you're doing the best that you can and you're trying and giving it your all is more than enough because there is no such thing as a perfect parent or the perfect provider. A perfect person that doesn't exist.
Laura: It doesn't. And when we make those beautifully human imperfect errors, we get to model something really, really powerful for our kids. We get to circle back and say, you know, you heard me talking to myself earlier and I was not very kind and I sat myself down and we had a little chat about it and you know, next time when something like that happens, I'm going to say x, y and z to myself instead of what I said.
You know you can circle back and model 100%. None of us are perfect, we are all just doing our very best with what we know. And you only know what, you know until you know it, and then when you know better, you can do better, right?
Anjani: Yeah. And I think one of the things that kids are so amazing, that is reminding us that we don't have to be perfect either. I think that's something we, I feel like parents in general spend so much time trying to do everything exactly right, quote-unquote, perfect. Right?
And when you talk to kids, when you interact with kids and you ask them, you know what their idea of a perfect parent is, they'll say the cutest things like somebody who hangs out with me or somebody who reads me a story or somebody that I can tell things to when I'm having a difficult day.
You know, really beautifully human characteristics. And no, no kid that I've ever asked that of has said, you know, I will need my parents to be perfect 100% of the time and do this and do that. They just want you to be there.
Laura: Yeah, that's so powerful. It's so true too. There'sa, kids are so wise and so lovely and so good at being humans. I feel like we've got so much to learn from them.
Anjani: Yeah, they're pretty great and that's why I love my job because I think hanging out with kids all day every day is just such a cool reminder that we are imperfectly perfect.
Laura: Yeah, we're just and we're just fine. Just very wonderful just the way we are good.
Oh well thank you so much for coming on and sharing your wisdom. I want to make sure that people can find you. Can you tell us the name of your website and I'll make sure to put it in the show notes. And are you on social media? Are you on Instagram?
Anjani: Yeah. So my Instagram is @anjaniamladimd and then my website where I do all my blogging and things like that is anjaniamladimd.com.
Laura: Okay, well I'll make sure that's all in the show notes. I'm so, it was such a lovely honor to get to talk to you about all of these things. Thank you so much.
Anjani: Yeah, thank you. That was really fun. I really enjoyed it.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
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Alright, that's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this!