Episode 96: Understanding Your Child's Personality for Ease in Parenting With Sandra Etherington
/A key part of being a conscious, attuned parent is deeply understanding your UNIQUE child and adjusting your approach in a way that works for THEM. This is where understanding more about your child's temperament and personality can be SUPER helpful! And for that reason, I am bringing in one of my friends and colleagues, Sandra Etherington. She is a mom of two beautiful kids and is the owner of Family Personalities and the co-host of the Family Personalities Podcast, a fun and sometimes cheesy podcast, that uses personality type to help change the way you see your family. Sandra uses her experience and training in Myers-Briggs personality type, to work one on one with families, helping them parent more effectively and compassionately based on their children's unique wiring and needs.
I hope that through this episode we can better understand our children's needs and find ease in parenting.
Here is a summary of our conversation:
Introverted Kids vs Extraverted Kids and Their Differing Needs
Tips to support The Differing Needs of Introverted and Extroverted Kids
Using Personality Type to Understand How Your Child Learns
Understanding Your Child’s Behavior through the Lens of Personality
To get more support, follow Sandra on Instagram @familypersonalities and visit her website www.familypersonalities.com.
And if you are interested to know your child’s personality, enroll to her online course:
TRANSCRIPT
Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic overwhelm. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.
Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!
Laura: Hello, everybody. This is Dr. Laura Froyen and we're back with another episode of The Balanced Parent Podcast. And today we're gonna be talking about personality types with a personality type practitioner, Sandra Etherington.
This is her wheelhouse. This is her gift that she brings to the world and she's going to help us understand how our personality type of parents and kids personality types like how understanding those things can help us have more flow and ease and joy in our relationships and in our home. So, Sandra, thank you so much for being here with us. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do?
Sandra: Sure, I'm so grateful to be here. This is my favorite thing to talk about in the whole world. So I first discovered Myers Briggs type when I was in the corporate world. They used it a lot in the corporate world to deal with teamwork and working better as a team and more smoothly as a team. And when I discovered my type, which is INFJ. So the Myers Briggs types are denoted by four letters, and they each stand for something, and INFJ stands for introversion, intuition, feeling and judging.
And when I discovered my type, I remember reading the description on the internet. Some random site that I found and like, kind of tearing up a little bit. I was like, oh my gosh, I think that this internet site description understands me better than anyone has understood me my entire life. Maybe even better than I actually, definitely better than I even understood myself at the time.
Laura: Sandra I'm an INFJ too and I felt the same way. I felt so seen and heard when I found out my type. Yeah, and INFJ is a very rare type. So I think a lot of us have that experience when we discover it because not everyone is like, as most people are not like us. And so to hear someone kind of validate is the right word. But just kind of like, see you as a really amazing experience.
And I was like, I was wondering how does this, like, seemingly choice, like, four choices of letters get at the core of who I am? And obviously it doesn't get at everything. It doesn't know your life experiences, how you were brought up, all that sort of thing. But how does that understand me?
And so I was just so fascinated that I just kind of dove in and learned everything I could about Myers Briggs. And it was really just a hobby for a long time. And then fast forward I had kids. I decided to stay home with them and I just started wondering because I used Myers Briggs in all facets of my life from understanding my relationships with people.
I would type everyone around me, and I just started wondering, Wait, do my kids have a Myers Briggs type? And what does that say about them? And can I use that in my parenting? And I became just personally interested in it and began to research it and read about it. And I would tell people about it, you know, like, oh my son is, have you heard of Myers Briggs? My son’s an INTJ and that means yada, yada, yada. And so I try to approach things like this with them and they'd be like, what? Can you do that with my kids?
Laura: Right. It's like a secret code almost. Understanding them on this deeper level. Okay, let's rewind just a little bit, because I know not everybody listening has heard of the Myers Briggs, which is the personality assessment, or even like personality typing in general. Can you tell us a little bit about, what is personality typing specifically the Myers Briggs and just give us a little bit of an intro?
Sandra: Yeah, so Myers Briggs, the surface of level of it and how you kind of type is there are four different pairs of opposites. And so the first one is: do you prefer introversion or do you prefer extroversion? And that's really the easiest entry point into Myers Briggs, because we all have some idea of what introversion is and extroversion is.
And the important thing to know with Myers Briggs is that it's not absolute, right? Like I am not only introverted, I am not only extroverted, we are human, we are dynamic. We have the ability to do everything. But there's one that we have a natural preference for, a natural wiring for, and there's even research being done now.
I recently had Dario Nardi on my podcast, who has done work in the neuroscience world doing EEG scans of people's brains. And it's finding that, yes, we actually have a favored pathway through the brain that shows introversion or extroversion.
So the idea is you have a preference for one or the other. You have one way that's kind of more automatic, more comfortable. It fills your bucket. And then when you're used, trying to use the opposite, it's just more exhausting, more frustrating, maybe a little more awkward to use.
Laura: Almost like handedness.
Sandra: Exactly. Yeah, like you can compare it really well to being right handed or left handed.
Laura: Cool. Okay. And so the first two on the Myers Briggs end or the first pair is introversion and extroversion. What are the other ones?
Sandra: So the second pair is something called sensing or intuition, which is an S. And then they use N for intuition since the I was already used for introversion. And that has to do with how you take in information from the world around you.
So people who prefer some saying they tend to take in more concrete detail information, and people who are intuitive tend to take in more big picture type information from the world around them. And again, it's the same thing as introversion extroversion. We can do both, but we just have a natural preference and natural leaning towards one or the other when that's more comfortable, one that's more natural, one that's more automatic.
Laura: This is the one for me that all of my letters, you know, feel right to me. But this one was the most helpful in helping me understand, like how I move through the world. How sometimes I would know things are not like, you know, understand things and know things about people that they never said out loud that there was no tangible evidence for. Like it was very validating to have, like to know that that's a thing, you know?
Sandra: Yeah. Yeah, Some people make nicknames for the different processes, and so if you're an intuitive and a judger like you and I are as INFJs, it's a process that's called introverted intuition. But the nickname that Dario Nardi, who I already mentioned, uses for is keen for seeing. And so it's just this ability to have this insight into the future and know, and if you combine it with your feeling, you can know, like what people around you are feeling or needing. It feels like magic sometimes, but it's not.
Laura: I know, but it does because I mean, it's what made me such a good therapist. Like it made me a very good therapist. It was also incredibly exhausting. Yes, yeah. Okay, keep going. Keep going. This is so good.
Sandra: So then the next letter pairing is thinking and feeling, which is the T or the F and Myers Briggs. And a lot of people get caught up in the name labels for this one. Like thinking sounds like I think and, you know, feeling sounds like I have feelings and I'm emotional, but it's really not about that.
Thinking or feeling has to do with how you make decisions. So every little decision you make throughout the day, are you thinkers prefer to step outside of the situation emotionally or values wise leave that all that stuff confuses and these up the waters and making decisions, and they prefer just to look at the objective, logical data around what they're trying to do.
Whereas feelers like to step into a situation emotionally considering their values and feelings and other people's values and feelings around them when they're making the decision. And again, we can all do both of these things and generally to be a healthy, functioning human being with relationships with other people, as well as making smart choices in our life. We have to do both, but there's just a natural leaning one way or the other.
The last one is judging or perceiving, which is the J or the P. And this one has to do with how you orient yourself to your outer world. And so this one's a little more confusing to understand and it's also the most complicated one in Myers Briggs, because it actually affects how you use your other functions.
But it is basically, people prefer judging, prefer to put their outer world in order using like planning structure organization. Whereas people prefer perceiving, they tend to take life more as it comes, and there'll be a little more open, flexible and spontaneous.
Laura: Cool. Okay, and so I feel like I'm having a really good understanding of how knowing this about yourself can really help you understand struggles in your life, struggles in different relationships are different things you need to be able to do. What are some of the ways that you see it coming out for parents? Like where it's really helpful to know this about yourself in parenting?
Sandra: Yeah. For one, it can really help us self care. Even just knowing I prefer introversion helps me know like, oh, this is why I'm getting so angry at my children because I've been having to interact with them nonstop all day and I just need some time to myself, some quiet time to myself. Something as basic as that.
Or this is why my husband and I are arguing about, you know, what to do for the family vacation, because he's completely stepping out of things emotionally, whereas I'm stepping in and thinking about, what is Aunt Karen going to feel about our vacation plans and trying to please everyone else. Even just those little things and then with your kids? This is where, like this work really calls to me, is understanding where our kids are coming from and how they're seeing the world.
Because I don't know how you, you know, have your background in psychology and so maybe you came into parenting with a different idea than I did. But when I came into parenting, I just thought I was going to get little mini versions of me and that I would just parent them the way that I wish I had been parented and that would be the perfect way to parent them. And turns out my kids are nothing like me.
Laura: You know, it's funny. There's that quote that says like, be the parent you needed as a child and I always like to disagree with that. Liike, no, you like, you can be the parent you needed as a child to your own inner child, but you need to parent the kids that are in front of you. They might need something completely different than what you needed as a child, you know?
Sandra: Yeah, exactly. And I learned that lesson really hard with my son who just works very differently from me. And to be able to understand that and really cater the way that I'm communicating with him, and catering what I'm providing him based on what I know about him personality type wise is really a gift that I found and that I want to bring to other people as well.
Laura: Okay, so I have two directions my questions can go right now. I'm going to say them and you get to choose which way we go and hopefully
Sandra: It's like a choose your own adventure.
Laura: I know, right? That's what I was thinking in my own head too. Oh man, those books are so good, right? Okay, so on the one hand, I'm thinking like okay, so then how do we figure out what types our kids are so that we can start figuring out where the mismatches are and how to communicate with them better.
But then I'm also thinking about, so I know there's lots of other ways to conceptualize personality types like there's the Enneagram, there's Human Design, there's a bunch of other ones, and I feel kind of curious about, like how the Myers Briggs relates to some of those. Is it just that you find the one that speaks to you most and stick with it like, what do you think about the other, like kind of, avenues of personality typing?
Sandra: Let me answer the other personality type models 1 first, because I'm sure a lot of listeners have heard of other ones and Enneagram is so popular right now. So just to give context as to what Myers Briggs is versus those and then we can circle back around to.
So basically all the personality type models are just looking at different things. And so, like, we're very complicated as people. We do have more to us than those four Myers Briggs dichotomies, right? And so the Enneagram, so Myers Briggs measures those four things that we already talked about.
The Enneagram really is about kind of a defense mechanism that you have in place from early childhood to help you move through the world. And so, like, I'm a type 1 on the Enneagram, which is the perfectionist reformer. And my defense mechanism is to be good so that I can be beyond reproach and I can be lovable, and I can be likable. And so each of the types, I know right, every time I read about that
Laura: It makes me want to just hug your inner child and be like you are good enough.
Sandra: Every time I read about that core like defense mechanism that comes from childhood on the Enneagram, I just want to hug someone. I'm like, oh my God. And so that layers on top of your Myers Briggs personality type. So they're measuring completely separate things. There are some like correlations, you know, like INFjs, for example, like you and I tend to be Type 4s, which is like Type 4s are like the individualist who are very tight up in the emotional experience of things or Type 2s, which is like the helper work they've, in order to feel love, they need to give to other people.
So you have, like, some tendencies that certain Myers Briggs type will might be more likely to be certain Enneagram types, but it's definitely not a rule.
Laura: Okay, so there's definitely room for understanding both in about ourselves and in about our children.
Sandra: And they work together so well, but it's too complicated to kind of put it all together for intro so I
Laura: Are these things that you discussed on your podcast? Because I know you have a podcast on this topic.
Sandra: Yeah, we do. I have a few episodes on Enneagram, but it's mostly Myers Briggs centric, but both my co host and I love Enneagram so we bring it up just from time to time.
Laura: Why don't you, like, just tell us that a lot of the name of your podcast that people can go and find you and binge listen.
Sandra: It's called Family Personalities. I'm about 33 episodes and as of today. So if you've got a lot of time on your hands, you can definitely still binge it.
Laura: Awesome. Okay, so now the question of how do we figure out our kids' type so that we can meet them where they are and figure out kind of why maybe we're having some some conflicts or tensions.
Sandra: Yeah, it's, so depending on the age of the child, if they're kind of younger than seven, say, it's just going to be based on your observed behaviors of them because they're not old enough to really participate in that conversation yet. And I always say that if they're that young, we call it a best guess type, which means we're just based on their behaviors. We think that they tend in this certain direction and then we can tailor our parenting to that.
As they get older, they can participate in the process. So if your child is a second grade reading level or above, about 7 to, say, 12 or 13 then I do kind of a combined approach where I ask the child questions and do kind of an assessment with them and then the parents’ observable behaviors. And then we kind of arrive at a type based on that, and then once 13, 14, they own the process themselves.
And the best way is to really understand those two dichotomies to understand what is introversion? What is extroversion? What does that look like in a kid? And actually, if people are interested, eventually we'll have downloads for each of the four pairs. But right now I only have introversion-extroversion, but if you go to familypersonalities.com/downloads, there's a free download that will tell you, you know, just very briefly how you can determine if your child is, prefers introversion or extroversion.
And there's just like a list of observed traits. So, for example, wait time. If you ask a child a question, do they sit and ponder before they answer or they talking as they're thinking and like that is their thinking process? So wait time is really common in kids with introversion that they just need to process before they speak or process before they act.
Like I know with my own introverted children, when they take them to activities like gymnastics or whatever, especially if it's new, but even if it's not new, they just. If you arrive late, that can be really tough for them to just jump right in. They need some time to observe and think and see what's going on before they can pull themselves out into the outer world and extrovert themselves. Whereas extroverts are more just likely to jump into something or, you know, speak before thinking.
Laura: Yeah, you know, it's funny. I definitely have one who is very introverted. I mean, she was slow to warm, even as a baby, you know. My other one is much more outgoing and gregarious. But there's moments of time, too, though where she is reserved and you know and holds back and she's and she's a homebody too. Like, so she doesn't like to go. She wants to stay home with us, you know? It's so hard. I can't
Sandra: Yeah, and there's a lot of factors that go into it. Like right, like, for INFJs like us, we have, we're introverts overall, but that feeling process when you combine feeling with judging, we really like connecting with people. That's a really important part of our lives and so a lot of times we can come off as extroverted because of that process.
So it's really important to look at the personality as a whole and, like some kids if they're extroverted but they're sensing they may be wary to jump into things because, like I had a client, for example, who was having a difficult time choosing introversion or extroversion because her child was really shy when it came to certain things and like when she would go to this child care that had mostly older kids at it, she was shy.
But when she would go to some other group, she had no problem. And it with sensing kids, they tend to have sort of a hierarchy in their mind of, you know. Like older kids,they're very much about society in the way that structure is held up, and so they don't have as much confidence with people that are older or more experienced than them, like they feel like they need to take a back seat to that.
And so she was shy in those situations, even though she was an extrovert overall with think out loud and do everything else that an extra child does. So it really like all the pieces kind of work together, and it's more complicated than just the either or dynamic. But the either or dynamic is the place that you start.
Laura: Okay. And so then the like, maybe once you have a sense of your own type and your child's type then how do you start using that in your parenting?
Sandra: Yeah, and I should mention that this is what I do, by the way, is I type kids and I type families. And so if you're interested in working with me and understanding your child's type or your own type, just head to my website familypersonalities.com, and you can click on services and then I've got everything there.
Laura: It sounds intimidating to me to imagine trying to type my own kids and the perfectionist in me would feel really nervous about getting it wrong. And so I do kind of, you know, I like that you call it your best guess. You know when they're little to before they're old enough to really start participating in that process.
Okay, so then how does this filter down into the communication we have with our kids or the approach we take with our kids?
Sandra: My favorite one to talk about, let's go into thinking versus feeling. This is my favorite one to talk about because I feel like there's the most judgment from one side or the other. Like feelers feel like thinkers are doing it wrong, and thinkers feel like feelers are doing it wrong, right? And I think that we can tend to place this judgment on our kids, too. And maybe I'm just projecting here.
But I know with my son, who prefers thinking, he can come off as blunt. He can come off as like he's not considering other people's emotions, and I've noticed a tendency in feeling parents to sometimes label their thinking child is mean, or maybe label their actions as mean, which can sometimes lead to, you know, I mean, kids are going to internalize that, even if they don't seem emotionally a sentence sensitive. So we want to be, we want to be careful about that.
And so it's really understanding that they are just approaching their decisions in a different way and that they are naturally wired to do this and that it's actually hard for them like it's a stretch. It's like instead of using their right hand, they have to use their left hand when they have to consider the emotions of others. And that doesn't mean it's an excuse for your kid to go around being an ahole, but at least having the empathy to understand that this is actually more difficult for them than it is for me.
And how do I approach that? And so, with thinkers, it depends. Are they thinking judger or are they thinking feeler? But with the thinking judgers, like my kid, for example, they’re really rules based. So they really understand, like rules, especially if they can understand the reason behind the rules. They will follow the rules.
And so when I have an issue with my son, like, for example, like a year ago, my son was seven, my daughter was four and they were coloring together, and my daughter said, hey, do you like my coloring? Do you like my drawing? And my son said, uh, no, I don't like red, so I don't like it or whatever. And then she started crying.
And you know, my immediate reaction is like, why would you do that? That's mean, you know, but, you know, holding that aside, okay, he's coming at it from a just like, what are the object, what's the objective logic here? I don't like red. Therefore, I don't like the coloring right? And it's a stretch for him to have to think about how someone is going to take what he's saying.
And so I had to break it down logically and say, hey, do you understand why that made your sister cry? And he's like, no. When she hears that someone doesn't like her drawing, it makes her feel like she's bad at drawing. And then that makes her feel bad about herself. Do you know what that feels like? And he's like, yeah, I know what that feels like, And then I can, and then once he understands that, then I can take it to a rule.
Okay, so when someone asks you if you like their thing, you don't tell them you don't like it. You know, you tell them what you do like about it, and then you can give your criticism afterward if you have something.
From that point forward, he just got it. Once he was able to put it into a logical, if this happens then do this rule and understand why he does that, he got it. So there's just like, little tips and tricks you can get from understanding some of their preferences.
Laura: Absolutely. And I love how the way you're framing this really lines up with a kind of a guiding principle here that kids do well when they can. And that if they're not doing well, it's not because they're jerks or bad kids, it's because something's getting in the way of them being able to meet our expectations. I love this. So helpful.
Okay, so now I'm thinking about two questions. One is like, so this is helpful. And like, the more we understand our kids, the more we can meet them where they are and tailor our approach to them. I think that that is so important. What you mentioned in kind of our prep to that, there's a way to kind of in understanding our kids personalities, we can kind of find their superpower. I feel curious about that. I was hoping you might touch on it a little bit for us.
Sandra: Yeah, this is another thing I'm passionate about, because if anyone listening is in the Myers Briggs, you can find a lot of like type patriotism where people are like I'm an INFJ, that's the most superior type ever and like everyone else, is doing it wrong.
Laura: There's a lot of pride in those types sometimes.
Sandra: Yes, which is the first step, honestly, is finding out that my type is actually really cool because all the types are really cool. But then, if you sort of internalize it as mine is really cool, to the exception of all the others, that's where I feel like people get steered wrong with it. And so I really like to point out what is the superpowers that each type has so that you can see those in your kid and understand that they're not doing it wrong because they're doing it differently from you. They have something else to add to the world because of the fact that they're wired differently. And how can we look at that and hone that instead of trying to turn them into something they're not?
Laura: Oh my gosh. I think this is such a powerful message. You know, growing up as an intensely sensitive and feeling, an empathetic kid, I got the message from parents and teachers just all through that I was too much, too sensitive that I needed to relax. You know, it was all of these messages that the way that I was the way that I was wired made me hard to be around, like, made me difficult.
You know, all of those things, all of those messages. And as I moved into my professional career and became a therapist, I found that those exact things that I always got the message that we're not good at, you know, that made me not good enough. That those exact things were my superpower, that they were the very thing that helped me connect to people almost instantly help them feel seen and heard.
And I just you know, it's so beautiful. The work that you're doing, helping parents see that in all of their kids that each kid, no matter their struggles and things can, like, there's aspects of each type that probably makes them hard to be around too.
Sandra: It's hard to parent
Laura: It’s hard to parent, right, you know, but focusing in on the unique gifts that each child brings to a family. I think it's just a beautiful message.
Sandra: You said that, perfect. I received a lot of the same messaging growing up, and I think on the other side, kids who aren't as naturally sensitive can receive the messaging that especially girls. If you have a thinking girl, they can receive the message that they're too blunt, that they're not kind enough, that they're bossy, that they're whatever all sorts of words that get attached. And so really being able to understand, why is my kid being perceived this way? Why am I perceiving them that way? And it, can I look at it in a different way?
Laura: Yeah, it's becoming aware of the lenses that we have over our eyes as we view our kids is so important. Thank you for that. Okay. And so then I do want to just touch on a little bit of the like, how we can use knowing our type for our benefit as a parent? So one of the things that we talked about a lot here at The Balanced Parent is taking good care of ourselves.
And you mentioned before that can help with self-care. Can you help me understand a little bit more? I mean, as an introvert, I know and a big feeler. I know that I need time where no one is talking to me where I don't have to hold space for anybody else's feelings, but my own that I need that for a reset. I'm wondering for other folks for other types, like how they can use their type to identify specific, you know, self-care that they might need.
Sandra: Yeah, there's all sorts of things that different types can do, and understanding where your preference lies, that's where you fill up your bucket. And, yes, we all have to stretch the other side, especially as parents like, no matter what your type you've had to stretch, I guarantee it to your opposite preference. And in some ways, like I would say, some types have to stretch more than others. Like I would say, intuitive parents probably have to stretch way more to the sensing side than vice versa. And that can just be very, very exhausting.
And so understanding what fills your bucket and maybe you've already discovered some of that on your own, but using type, you can, it can give you ideas of other ways of understanding how other people of your type fill their bucket can sometimes help. Like I know I have a couple of ISFP parents, so that's introversion, sensing, feeling, and perceiving who have found getting creative in a hands-on physical way.
So, like sketching or calligraphy is one of my ISFP parent friends will just like at the end of the day, she'll just, like, tune out everyone else, go into a quiet room and watch like calligraphy videos and practice her calligraphy and just SPs really are getting in their bodies. It was really great, and especially when they combined with that F then you kind of have that creative like beauty type focus.
Laura: You know, I didn't know that other people watched calligraphy videos. I do that. I didn't know that that was a thing, though. Like, yeah, we watch calligraphy videos. It's so beautiful and soothing.
Sandra: Yeah, and that function that it's called extroverted sensing. That function, that ISFP is used. INFJ is actually use that too. It's our most unconscious process but sometimes that can be a place of fun and stretch and play to go to for us, too, but we certainly don't want to do that as much as ISFPs do.
Laura: Interesting. Okay. Do you have other examples of, like, self care options that are depending on types like I do? When I think about self-care, most of it is alone. And that's my strong introversion. Like what, like what's the flip side of that? If you are an extrovert like you know, what does that look like? Does that mean like hanging out with friends, like, what does that mean?
Sandra: Yeah, so I would say definitely for EFJs, doesn't matter NRS, but if you're an E and F and a J, probably hanging out with people is what you're going to need, like there's very much a connection aspect. Your main drive is to connect with other people. And so just being able to get out and connect with someone where there's not conflict, either, where there's like a creating rapport with one another is a really great self-care.
Laura: Cool. Yeah, okay. And so just popped in my head. What do we do when we got introverted parents and extroverted kids or extroverted parents and introverted kids? I'm so sorry. I'm kidding. There's nothing we can do.
Sandra: Our whole family is introverts. And I'm like, thankful for that every day. I have an extroverted stepdaughter who doesn't live with us. She comes to visit from time to time, and I just remember when my kids were like little baby toddlers and she would come to visit and we would have, I would read all these plans to entertain her, right?
I'd be like, she's only here for a week. So on Monday, we're going to the beach. On Tuesday, we're going to the Children's Museum or whatever it is. And, but I had a baby and a toddler, and I was just kind of like in over my head. And so we would go to the beach and we get home around two. You know, like we went, we went at 10, we get home around two, and that would be like okay, that was like I was like, that's more than we do in a month and we just did in a day.
So now we're just going to sit around and she'd be like, What are we doing next? Like, Are you kidding me? A child? Like she just needed interaction and something to do all the time. And so that's hard. And a lot of what I will tell parents who have a big mismatch in type in their family, which a lot of families do. It's not uncommon at all, is outsource. Like you know what I mean. Like if you have a really extroverted child, make sure there's other people who can interact with them. Make sure that they have lots of playdates. It's so hard right now.
Laura: I think this whole time period of must be so hard on extroverted folks. As an introvert and like in a family of mostly introverts, like we're fine, like, not much has changed. We pretty much just hang out by ourselves anyway. For extroverts. I've been really feeling for them.
Sandra: Yeah, especially our EFJs. I think they're probably struggling the most right now. Although I definitely have felt lonely over the past year. I'm not getting the type of connection that I need, but absolutely, Yeah.
Laura: There are times where I feel lonely when my family is all around me too. Like, you know, loneliness, I don't always think has to necessarily be about numbers of people that you're with, right? But yeah,
Sandra: it's about that, especially for INFJs. For us, it's about that deep personal connection. It could be, and you if you're not feeling that when you're with people, that can still be lonely.
Laura: Yeah, that is actually quite just almost disturbing to me. When I'm with people and we don't have that deep connection, it's like, hey, there's this, like, I don't know dissonance or something. That's not Yeah.
Anyway, that is super interesting. Okay? And so, you know, I have this memory of my childhood where my mom and dad and I were all introverts. We were sitting around reading and my sister is there, who's, I think it is extroverted. I think I've never typed her.
You know she's sitting there. She's got a book in her lap two and we're like, we're this happy family all just like reading together, but she's like narrating everything that she's doing just like like, just talking like and not getting a lot of input. You know, I just I think it must have been hard for her growing up in a family. All, everybody was just kind of comfortable.
Sandra: Yeah, and understanding what type of extra child you have makes a big difference to, like, different extroverts need different things like my ESTP stepdaughter is very like physical, like exponential type stuff like she needs to be doing something, participating in something not necessarily the connection like EFJs might be like where they really need to connect with you and talk with you.
it's a different type of need and so understanding that can help you get them in the right activities or outsourcing the correct way, or if you can't like, right now in the pandemic, so your hands are tied and you can't do all those things understanding like when I do have the energy to interact. How is this? How can I fill her bucket the most to get the most out of this hour that I have with her right now?
Laura: In the way that's least draining for me too. How can we find that middle ground, that balance, right? Yeah. Filling for her and not as draining for me. Yeah. Okay. So I know you've already mentioned your podcasts and your website. Is there anywhere else where folks can go to learn more from you?
Sandra: Yeah. So let's see. Check me on Instagram. I actually have taken a break from it for a couple months here because we haven't had any child care and my kids have been in school for 10 months and I'm homeschooling them and someone send help.
No, but follow me on Instagram @familypersonalities. My kids are actually going back to school on Friday, and then the podcast is called Family Personalities, that's on any podcast platform, and you can check out the website for. if you are interested in working with me or finding out more. It's familypersonalities.com.
Laura: Cool. Well, thank you so much, Sandra. This was so much fun to like, geek out about this and I think it'll be really hopeful for folks to know that knowing this about themselves and about their kids can bring a little bit of more harmony and understanding to their homes. So I really appreciate that.
Sandra: Yeah. Thanks for having me.
Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.
And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on instagram so that I can give you a shout out and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.
All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this