As parents, most of us share the same goal: to provide them the unconditional love & support that we missed (sometimes) growing up. As I transitioned into motherhood I wanted so badly for my daughter to know how deeply she was loved, that I was there for her, that I was sensitively attuned to her needs and would be there to meet them. But in the process, I, like so many of you, found that I was really struggling. In my effort to be everything to my daughter, I had abandoned myself.

Things really came to a head after the birth of my second child. I started to feel there was not enough time for me, the woman I was, anymore. I had so many pulls on my time and attention. There just wasn't ENOUGH of me to go around AND I worried I wasn't ever going to be ENOUGH for my children. I was stuck in scarcity. It was around this time in my life where I started my business (yes, this podcast is part of a business dedicated to supporting both your family & mine! 💕), and I was learning about money mindset and "abundance" mindsets. And I just knew that what I was learning applied to my life as a parent: That I was stuck in scarcity and if I wanted more joy, presence, & connection, that I needed to shift into abundance. That was 6 years ago, and at the time it felt like NOBODY in the parenting world was talking about abundance mindset as it applies to parenthood (at least that I could find).

So I wrote this article: https://www.laurafroyen.com/blog/scarcity and started applying the principles in it.

I wanted to share this powerful mindset shift with you, so I sat down with my friend and colleague Ilana Beigel, who will help us understand how we can embrace an abundance mindset as a parent. And that, there's plenty of time for our children to learn and be resilient. She is a mom of three, a yoga teacher, a speech pathologist, and a mindful parenting coach. Ilana helps moms integrate mindfulness practices into their lives so that they can create effective communication and ultimately peace and fulfillment in their hearts and homes.

Here is a summary of our conversation:

Scarcity and how this can negatively affect parenting
Abundance mindset and how to apply this in parenting
Mindset shifts (Transitioning from scarcity to abundance mindset)
Scarcity vs abundance mindset in children

If you are a part of my monthly membership, BalancingU, Ilana did a deep dive training on Abundance for us! You can access the replay of that in the course platform. If you are NOT part of the membership but would like to be, CLICK HERE to check it out!

You can find Ilana on Instagram @ilanabeigel, Facebook, and at www.ilanab.com.

And if you too have ever felt overwhelmed and LOST in motherhood, I also want to invite you to join me in a couple of weeks at “Return To You: A Virtual Summit For Moms”.

This event is all about guiding unmoored moms in nurturing their body, mind, relationship, and home during the hectic early years of mothering. For 2 fun-filled weeks starting Monday, September 20, 20+ experts in women’s health, parenting, relationships, and motherhood, will offer you their wisdom, experience, and practical steps to help you start finding yourself again. It’s going to be great and I hope you can join me and the other amazing panelists for this life-changing summit!

I personally will be teaching about Parenting as a Team on September 23rd. As you know, I firmly believe all parents deserve access to parenting support that they can afford, and this is a great chance to learn from me for free. You can sign up via the link below!
>>Grab a FREE Ticket here>>

TRANSCRIPT

Parenting is often lived in the extremes. It's either great joy or chaotic, overwhelmed. In one moment, you're nailing it and the next you're losing your cool. I want to help you find your way to the messy middle, to a place of balance. You see balance is a verb, not a state of being. It is a thing you do. Not a thing you are. It is an action, a process, a series of micro corrections that you make each and every day to keep yourself feeling centered. We are never truly balanced. We are engaged in the process of balancing.

Hello, I'm Dr. Laura Froyen and this is The Balanced Parent Podcast where overwhelmed, stressed out and disconnected parents go to find tools, mindset shifts and practices to help them stop yelling at the people they love and start connecting on a deeper level. All delivered with heaping doses of grace and compassion. Join me in conversations that will help you get clear on your goals and values and start showing up in your parenting, your relationships, your life with openhearted authenticity and balance. Let's go!

Laura: Hello everybody! This is Dr. Laura Froyen in and I'm so excited for the conversation we're going to have on the balance parent podcast today. I have a guest, her name is Ilana Beigel and she is going to help us understand how we can embrace a more abundant mindset as parents.

Ilana is a mom of three, a yoga teacher, a speech pathologist, and a mindful parenting coach if that wasn't you know already enough and she helps moms integrate mindfulness practices into their lives so that their patience, presence, and connection or deep and meaningful relationships, rich and effective communication and ultimately more peace harmony filled in their hearts and homes. Ilana, welcome to the Balanced Parent, I'm so happy to have you here. Will you tell us a little bit more about what you do and who you are and all the awesome things that you do?

Ilana: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad to have connected with you and found you and be in your orbit and bring this inquiry together along with so many others.

Laura: Oh same. I feel so deeply aligned with what you're doing and that you hold for parents and the support that you offer them. So yeah, tell us a little bit more about how what you do.

Ilana: So I do lots of things that I have an abundance of things that I do, but I am a mom, I'm also a wife and a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a cousin, I'm a friend all these roles, right. And I work as a mindful parenting coach which is really my purpose. My passion took me many, many years to sort of figure out “what I want to do when I grow up” which is a whole conversation and something that I, that question haunted me for years and years and years, which is probably why it's something that I'm really passionate about not asking my children.

So I do my entrepreneurial venture, my passion of the mindful parenting work and I also work as a speech pathologist in a rehab hospital with People who've had strokes or strokes or brain injury or some sort of neurological condition. And that work is often people whose lives have just like boom been turned upside down its adult, so it's 18 and up, no matter what age, I found people have something happened, whether they're 20 and it's a tragic car accident or there 99 and have lived a full and long life and now they're declining.

Being able to be part of someone's experience of moving life, whatever it is that showing up for them and helping them navigate it and still see the joy and the wonder and the amazing this through all the misery a lot of times, literally through the suffering. I just love connecting with people and being in this inquiry of living the joy and the terror in the hospital.

A lot of times it looks like helping parents navigate their lives and I love what you say, Laura, it's in your podcast intro, maybe having a parenthood we don't need to escape from and offering our kids a childhood, they won't need to recover from. I love that and knowing that obviously like that's our hope, right, kids, our kids won't have to recover, but also giving them and equipping them with the knowledge and the tools that healing, growing learning, evolving is available at any time. So it's not about being perfect or like getting it right because that is way too much pressure on us as parents because it's not possible.

Laura: Absolutely, you know, it's I've been thinking a little bit about changing that intro and playing with it a little bit in my writing right now because I do feel the need to help parents release the idea that they can parent perfectly so that their kids have no work to do, right? Because all people have work to do, that's part of being human.

I mean, and that's part of what mindfulness teaches, right? So we're mindful in the moment recognizing that just like you know, this is the common humanity principle of self-compassion-based mindfulness that just like everybody else we suffer. That suffering is a part of the human experience. There's nothing that we can really do to prevent that from happening for our kids, but we can certainly do our best to clearly communicate how we feel about them and not do any more damage than our unconscious moves might cause you know.

Ilana: Yes, totally. So I mean that intention, that stepping into that, that intention, it is so powerful and with like you said with that underpinning that sort of blanket foundation of and it's not going to be perfect, I'm doing the best I can, I'm perfect right now and there's always a new perfection to evolve in to.

Laura: and it can't be and nor should it be because you know if we are frantically attempting to be perfect with our kids were not being authentically ourselves because humans by definition are imperfect beings and kids need to see imperfections, they need to experience mistakes and ruptures and repair like that's how resilience is built is through struggles that are that we can handle not too big, but certainly little stressors are good for kids, you know, repair rupture, it all builds resilience.

So we're talking a lot about mindset right now and a lot of respectful conscious, mindful parenting is about mindset, it's not so much about what you say and do about the mind state you are in as you say it as you choose your words as you are interacting and communicating with your kids. Okay, so yes, we've heard of an abundance mindset, we've learned about it in business settings or in discussing financial, health or wealth, I'm hoping we can talk about how the abundance mindset cannot be applied much more broadly to.

Ilana: Yeah, for sure, abundance can be talking about wealth and money but that is just one tiny piece of what abundance looks like stepping into abundance of feeling abundant in your life because we know there's so many people who have very little material possessions or money or stuff and feel like the richest people in the world and vice versa, there's tons of people out there who have everything and they're miserable, so it is not a correlation or causation like really just two separate things.

Laura: So tell us what is having an abundance mindset in the way you live your life or specifically in parenting.

Ilana: I think having an abundance mindset is being open of not getting stuck in any idea or fear or stage if you haven't yet learned in parenting. One of the main things I've learned is that as soon as something feels good or feels right or feels bad, it's going to change right? Like change is the only constant. So not getting stuff of being open to infinite possibilities of just this idea and notion that anything is possible.

Laura: Anything is possible.

Ilana: Let me take that back. It's not necessarily anything is possible, but there are infinite possibilities.

Laura: Yeah, I really like that restatement that there are infinite possibilities. Tell me I'm a little bit about the relationship between scarcity and abundance. I would say they're like just opposites like boom, one is the opposite of the other. When you're in this scarcity of like, oh there's never going to be enough. There's not enough time. Don't have enough patience.

I don't have enough money. My kid doesn't have enough knowledge or don't have enough learning this or mastering this and this kid knows this or this family has that or they went to this vacation or they go to this school, like not enough, not enough is scarcity which is just the complete opposite and what I think is really interesting is this comes from yoga philosophy as well is drifting it down and just mindfulness in general of it was real and true or the scarcity mindset is also really tied and I found two anxiety.

I don't know which one comes first or if you can really separate the two, but when that scarcity mindset, when that anxiety comes up of being able to step back and look well what is real and true, like do I actually have the resources I need. And if so okay, put that scarcity aside and how can I step into seeing it and knowing it and feeling that abundance and if not if you look at it and you're like oh I actually don't have the support the time, the resources, whatever it is like okay, well then what can I actually do about it? So instead of getting in this rabbit hole in this spiral in your head, which can take you nowhere good. It's like okay, do I need to do something about this or do I need to step into seeing what is actually real and true and that I have everything I need right now.

Laura: And then the practical piece of if I don't then what are the steps I can do to meet my needs? Right? I think that this is something that is highlighting a piece that I think that abundance mindsets can often be misunderstood in as falling in kind of like the toxic positivity camp where we are supposed to think like everything's fine, everything's going to be wonderful.

Like not see are suffering not cr pay not see our struggles and that's not what abundance is at all to me that you know there's being stuck down in our lack you know, so when I think of scarcity I think of the word lack lack of time, lack of patients, lack of energy, abundance is taking a look at you know I had this all within me. Yes, things are hard right now and at the same time I have resources at my disposal there are options for me available here.

Ilana: Yeah, I agree completely. And it makes me think of a couple of things which one is we're not talking like woo la attraction vision boards although sure that can be part of it, but that's just part of it, right? And there's this saying that hope is not a strategy, you don't hope for dinner, you make dinner and there is such a place for hope, it's just a piece of the puzzle.

One of the definitions of yoga that I love is that yoga is a practice of discernment. So it's this discerning right back. Do I have what I need or is there something actionable I have to do but also discerning like okay is my mindset helping me or getting in the way and not just going into like oh I just need to change my mindset and everything's going to fall into place because no, that's not it either.

Laura: Yeah, this is not a thing that we use to discount other people's suffering to either. You know, there are real struggles in this world and I think sometimes that kind of the, you know, only good vibes kind of toxic positivity movement does discount some of the very real challenges that parents or face regularly and are facing in abundance right now, you know?.

I think you did a really nice job of it kind of giving examples about how like what scarcity sounds like in your mindset with parents. We've all had thoughts like this. Like I don't have the energy for this. I can't handle this. She's never going to learn how to do this. It's really easy for me to come up with examples of scarcity that we say in our self talk with ourselves, that we say out loud to our kids, but I think it's a little harder to come up with like, okay, so what does an abundance mindset sound like when you're engaged in that self talk? Do you have examples for us?

Ilana: First come to mind, before we talking about examples of how we can do this with our kids, We have to first buy into it and live into it in ourselves.

Laura: Yeah, absolutely. That's totally meaning like what does it sound like in our minds as we are talking to ourselves. It's so easy I think to come up with the scarcity. We're so used to being in scarcity as parents, as mothers, you know, there's no one here to help me, I have to do it all myself, you know, there's not enough time, I'm never going to sleep again, whatever it is, you know, it's so easy for me to come up with what scarcity sounds like and I want to give people what does it sound like in your mind when you're in abundance?

Ilana: There's something that comes to mind first and foremost, because you've said it a few times and it was a really powerful shift for me and I've seen it be a really powerful shift for a lot of families I work with is the idea of time and the concept of Einsteinian time versus Newtonian time, Einstein and the theory of relativity, right?

So it's this idea with time of that an hour with a loved one can feel like a minute, whereas a minute of your hand pressed on a hot stove will feel like a lifetime, right? So it's like, right? Time, time is such a thing, especially for parents, especially for parents of young kids, especially for parents now when we're living in this crazy, wild wacky time of like everything has just been turned upside down.

Laura: There's a quote that I think perfectly captures that experience for parents that the days are long, but the years are short, you know.

Ilana: exactly, I love that one. That's definitely been one that's been on my mind for my oldest is almost 18 for 18 years. But in this idea of Einsteinian versus Newtonian time, it's the concept that you are, where time comes from, you are the source of time. And this concept is from a book called The Big Leap, which is a really, really interesting read.

The author is a parent and talks a lot about his parenting in it and I think, I think a lot of times in some of this, back to what you were saying about this toxic positivity and stuff like, and even in this, all this philosophy stuff that I've studied, it's like, okay, well this was thousands of years ago when this was for 13-year-old boys who are monks and renouncing the world, how do all these concepts translate to 2021 householders living in the real world, needing to raise a family and work and send your kids to college and buy groceries and you know, all the things starting with time, it's this idea that you are the source of time.

Like if you think about it, I love to give this example, if you're working right and you now, especially this makes so much more sense your kids home, you're on your computer doing your work and your kid comes in and says, hey mom, we play with me, How many times might you say? I don't have time right now. Is that something that you've ever hear about? You do all this all your work about play like is that something that parents.

Laura: Of course and immediately they are wracked with guilt when they say it and at the same time they have to because it's a lot right now.

Ilana: And so let's rewind that still you're doing your work. Your kid comes in, they've decided to like cut themselves a snack and be resourceful and take out the chef's knife and it's their apple and they slice their finger open and it's bleeding and they come into you mom. I cut my finger help. Are you going to say, oh, that's great honey, Sorry, I don't have time right now. Of course not. Right. It's not time.

That's the issue. I mean it is and it isn't but it's these little subtle shifts of saying, I don't have time puts you in the seat of victim of time of seat a victim of your life. So stepping into ownership of saying what you really mean, which is I really want to play with you right now and I'm going to finish this and I'll play with you at X time, which I know is something that I've seen in your work. You're already doing that like sort of another may be added layer of what that offers, which is this taking ownership of being the source of time.

Laura: I love this taking ownership of being the source of time. Yes. I think when we first started talking about this so many parents listening, we're probably thinking like, but yeah, also virtual school has to happen or it has to happen. Dinner has to get made. You know that we do feel like we are the victims of time. And so I really like this reframe that time is not the problem. It's the way we relate to time and we have to take ownership of time.

Ilana: Yes. And it's always yes. And because there are boots on the ground like real things that are real and true, there is X number of hours in a day, there is X number of hours before I have to make this work call or do this meeting again. So not to like bypass or this toxic positivity, right?

Laura: That's the balance, right? So toxic positivity as a completely unbalanced look at the realities of life. You're advocating absolutely for a realistic, balanced approach to this, recognizing that there are constraints and barriers and at the same time we get to choose how we respond to them.

Ilana: Exactly.

Laura: Absolutely. Oh, I love this. I wasn't expecting to get to talk about time in this philosophical sense that that was really fun. Okay, that was really helpful to see how an abundance mindset around time can act in like be acted out in practice with our kids that moment of Yes, honey, I want to play with you. It's gonna be so much fun. We're gonna have a lot of time to play and right now I have to finish this email in five minutes, I'll be ready to play with you. You know, it's like that's what it looks like versus I don't have time to play with you. That scarcity.

Ilana: Yeah. And even yeah. And even just noticing like as you go through your day, how many times do you think does the thoughts go through your head and I don't have time or you know, just, it's interesting to notice how many times and how much you're putting yourself in a scarcity mindset, what you're saying it out loud or not.

Laura: Not just time. Right? So we're talking about like it can be anything like I don't have energy for that or I can't do that. I, you know, I don't have the ability to do that. I'm just not a patient person, you know, all of these limiting beliefs that are rooted in scarcity. So when we think about changing our mindset from scarcity to abundance, the first step of course is always noticing, right? That's the first step in any awareness, awareness is the very first step of any change process.

So it's just awareness. You know, when I was making some very concerted changes to moving towards abundance, I kept a journal where I wrote my common scarcity phrases that I would say to myself down. Do you have other things that you suggest parents do as they are looking to move into a more abundance mindset as they're in the phase of noticing or maybe they've been noticing for a while and now they're ready to make some shifts like, what do we do?

Ilana: I found that just affirmations or mantra czar so incredibly powerful, noticing, what are you telling yourself that you're like, oh I this isn't how I want to be talking to myself for showing up. What can you replace that with?

Laura: I think affirmations are so intimidating to parents to figure out, like, okay, what do I say in my affirmations, can we talk about that? Just for a second. I don't know if you have a method for teaching parents how to write their own affirmations, but I do.

I would be curious to know if you do, you know if we're two different people who help parents find affirmations for themselves, like we probably have different methods for getting the parents there because I don't ever want people to be reliant on me for to be the source. I want them to be the source of what they need in their parenting. I'm kind of assuming that you also want that for your parents?

Ilana: Yes, for sure.

Laura: Okay, how do parents go around about writing their affirmations.

Ilana: Sort of two-pronged approach. Some people are just give it to me, tell me what is it and that works really well for them. So there are some one sort of out there that are, people can just try on like you don't need to do it yourself. Like here it is. Use this. So a simple one is I am enough or it is enough for I am okay, It can be just super, super simple

Laura: always like to add just as I am.

Ilana: One that I eyes a lot and that a lot of people who have offered it to have really powerful as well and this comes from the work of a woman called rock goddess, Rh a goddess, which is just the best name. I am a content creator and I have the ability to create the life I most desire.

I find myself like sometimes when I'm at my job or doing something where I get I just noticed just that feeling of just heaviness and like, I don't want to be doing this or whatever it might be, I just say that in my head and it's just this immediate like, oh right, I'm in charge here, I'm driving the bus. I am a conscious creator. I have the ability to create the life I most desire and it's just this immediate like openness.

Laura: I think that that's a good, you just mentioned something to that. Like you can, as you're looking for affirmations, you want ones that make you feel open that our heart opening. So like if what you read one, you know, if you're looking, you know, like maybe you Pinterest and you searched on Pinterest for affirmations and you read something, they make you contract.

Those aren't your affirmations. You know, like they kind of like most hurt to say those aren't yours, You've got to find other ones. And this is one of the reasons why I like helping parents write their own because then they find the ones naturally are opening. One thing that I find is helpful for parents, especially as they're just starting out with affirmations that lots of the big ones, you know, like the popular ones that kind of like reach for the star ones don't feel real or realistic. And so sometimes folks need to start a little closer to home, a little closer to where they are. I'm figuring this out is a great one. Can be really lovely kind of middle-of-the-road ones.

Ilana: It's just making me think of what I love to do for affirmations is to ask people to and often do this Like in my yoga class as well. Like how do you want to feel if you've ever taken a yoga class? That's often the start of a classes and intention, right?

Whether it's peace or pins or calm or strength. So in the affirmation markets like, okay, think about how do you want to feel, What is it that you are to, what qualities are you hoping to cultivate in your life and your day and your parenting and then the affirmation is simply like I am that like you say it if we're already true.

Yeah just like I am piece.

Laura: Yeah.

Ilana: I am calm whatever quality is at the forefront.

Laura: Yeah. And sometimes it can also be helpful to just to riff off that a little bit too if you know you want to respond a certain way to your child for example like when they're having a meltdown and right now you're thinking things like they're too old for this. They shouldn't be doing this. This is you know, why does everything have to be so hard?

You know you're having those thoughts and as a result you are impatient with them. You're not as empathetic or compassionate with them. You may be yell at them. I want to send them to their room in that moment when they're having a meltdown. How do you want to be able to respond? You want to be able to respond with compassion.

You want to hold space for them. What thought do you need to be thinking about the scenario in order to be able to be compassionate? Right? And so that kind of walking backwards from how you want to feel, how you want to show up and then okay what thought do I need to be able to show up? That way can be really helpful.

So like the thought in that moment would be like that. You know she's not doing this on purpose. It's because she's five. She is not giving me a hard time, She's having a hard time those thoughts, you know, lend you two more compassion and allow you to be more compassionate. So walking backwards, I think in that way it can be helpful to when we're talking about how do we come up with the things to say to ourselves, you know?

Ilana: And I think one definition perhaps or one way of embodying and really embracing and living into abundance in this idea of living in alignment of aligning your thoughts, your feelings, your words, and your actions right, which is exactly what you were just talking about. So when you're doing that, when all of that is altogether, like when you think and feel and say and do the things that all how you want to be showing up, like you will feel abundant, you will feel that openness and expansiveness and that connection with life and with your Children and with anyone you're in relationship with really I love that way of breaking it down and walking it backwards.

And I also think in terms of affirmations like helping people connect with what are your limiting beliefs, right? And that's another powerful way I found a writing your own affirmation and retraining your brain to be more of an abundant mindset and get not get stuck in your limitations is like to see to start like you said start with awareness, what is it? So really putting it out there. Like my limiting belief is I'm not patient enough.

And then step two is like realizing that's not a truth, that's just a belief. And then the third step is trying a different beliefs just flip it right? So that's a really good way for people to come up with their own is to see what's getting in my way. Okay, no, that's not true, what could be true. And I don't know if you like sort of similar to the work of Byron Katie, that whole concept,

Laura: Byron Katie has her process is called The Work and she has a great book called Loving. What is like there's four steps in it, Is that true? Is it really true? Let's see.

Ilana: Could be true.

Laura: Right? Yeah, I think it's like something like when I believe this, how does it impact me? You know, and how does it change the results? And then who would I be without that thought? I think are her four steps in the work? She's got a great podcast called The work. Two people are looking for more podcasts to listen to ultimately, like it's all the same thing that what we're talking about here. You know, it's all different approaches to the same thing of noticing our thoughts, noticing our beliefs, questioning them with curiosity and without judgement. And then considering alternatives.

And one of the ways that I like to consider alternatives to a lot of the parents that I work with are working on cultivating a wise compassionate in her parent. And so that wise compassionate in our part of you usually has good responses to these things. So like if you your thought is I'm just not a patient mom you can check in with. Okay, so what would the wisest most compassionate part of myself say to that. And usually, even if the person themselves isn't able to say something wise and compassionate back to this thought of I'm not a good mom or I'm not a patient mom. Usually, they can find that wise part who does have something to say about that.

You know who is able to say you know that you are just the mom that your kids need and that you know that patience is something that you're working on and every day you get better you know usually we can find some that compassionate part even if we can't fully embody them ourselves yet when it comes to I don't know talking to ourselves that can be hard.

Ilana: Yeah, it reminds me back a little bit to the abundance. Think quote by Wayne Dyer who is an author of self self help guru or whatever you want to call him but he says abundance is not something we acquire, it's something we tune into. So what are you tuning into and I don't know if you've seen this research we have up to like 60,000 thoughts a day and 80% of them are negative in 95% of them are the same ones we had yesterday.

It's fascinating. You are in charge of where you put your focus in and where you put your energy and what you find right? Like if you want to find more examples and reasons why you're not a patient or good enough mom, you can find that and if you want to find all the reasons and examples and ways of which you are, you can also find that too.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, you know like negativity bias and the way that our brains, our brains are beautiful things, right? So our brains are efficient. These 60,000 thoughts a day are mostly unconscious thoughts, right? We're only aware of about 2000 thoughts a day. And so all these other thoughts are kind of primarily negative and running in the background and influencing the way we view our world, right?

So just as a general example, you know, when we were looking for a car a few years ago we were buying our first minivan which was life-changing and so exciting because automatic doors, who knew that would be like, but we were deciding between Toyota one and the Honda Odyssey one, you know, and all of a sudden I couldn't drive anywhere without seeing those too many bands. They were everywhere.

I would never have noticed them before, but once I started looking for them there, they were right And this is the same thing in our homes, in our lives as parents, as soon as we start looking for something, we see it, we find it if we're looking for negative interactions with our partner, if we're looking for the siblings, you know, the kids never picking up their toys. If we're looking for moments of jealousy between our kids, that's what we'll find. And we filter out our beautiful, efficient brains, filter out the stuff that we're not looking for. They filter out that moment of generosity that we notice we saw but we didn't attend to because we were looking for jealousy.

Ilana: 100% totally, totally agree. And it makes me think of this Oprah quote, you said, if you look at what you have in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough.

Laura: Oh my gosh, That's like the core of abundance. Right?

Ilana: Yeah, exactly.

Laura: Okay, so I've taken up a lot of your time, but I just want to ask one more little question because I see. So we've talked a lot about abundance in parenting in our own mindset, but I see scarcity and abundance come up in my kids a lot as an example. We've worked really hard to develop an abundance mindset with food and so when it comes to food with my kids, they notice when a scarcity thought is creeping in.

I mean, we haven't been over it with them, but they notice and they will say things like you know, I feel a little bit worried that I didn't get enough chocolate to eat today, but I know there's always chocolate and if we want more we could have more tomorrow. You know, I hear them talking about it in an abundant way, you know, there's always more, there's always more ice cream at the store if we run out right now, you know, if we every and I finished the last of it right now, you can always go and get more, you know.

Versus the scarcity of like you know, we're almost out. I'm only gonna have a little bit because I want to save it for later, you know like that comes food is just the example that's present in my mind, but I'm curious if we are noticing some scarcity and our kids were noticing, you know, scarcity in the way that they're sharing their toys. If we're noticing scarcity in the way that they are approaching things like screen time, how can we bring abundance to those things?

Ilana: I think that's what we were saying in ourselves, I think starting with the awareness like helping them just see, first of all, that's how they're feeling and then like is it real and true sometimes it is like especially if you're setting a limit or boundary this is only how much chocolate you can have or this is how much time you can have.

Laura: You were saying something about that they really have control over themselves but they really don't have a lot of control over their lives. Is that right?

Ilana: Yeah. I think with our kids it starts with them noticing that they're feeling that way and I think it's natural and normal that they do feel because in a lot of ways yes, they have control and agency over their lives and their experience and what they can do and their body and as children.

They are in a place of being sort of at the mercy of what we will buy them, what we will allow them to do, what boundaries were setting for them, helping them see that there is freedom within the boundaries can be a really powerful shift like if you say to your kids so don't step in the street, what are they going to do? Step in the street if you say so you can walk on the sidewalk or the grass or the park over here, that's where their energy or their attention is going to go. So helping them sort of see that freedom and all that is there instead of no, you can't do this. No, you can't have that, you can't have this, you can do this.

Laura: You know, so that's like standard parenting advice now tell a kid what they can do instead of what they can't do and I had never situated that in a scarcity versus an abundance mindset beautifully stated. Thank you for helping me see that connection there and. I think to like there's room for abundance when we are helping a kid work through a boundary or a limit that we have. They don't like to like the, I mean and this is, this comes up in parenting wisdom to like that, you know that we can give a child in fantasy what they can't have in reality.

So you know, if they want to have more screen time and we've noticed that they do better with less being able to stay with it with them, I know you wish you could play all day. You know that you would play all these games, what games would you play? You know how like how many hours do you think you play? You play all day long and you play meet with your friends online and hide, sit next to you all day long and we'd play, you know, you can give some of that in fantasy and then talk about when they're going to get a chance to play next.

We're going to play at this time and then what are we going to do and focusing on what they do get to do and when they get to do it. Making a plan for, when they get to do it can all be helpful not as a way to tell them not to have their feelings of course they're allowed to be disappointed or frustrated but as a way to frame it when maybe they are ready for it? And it's hard to know. I think sometimes for kids, you know when they're ready to receive the the shift, the mindset shift, you know.

Ilana: And I think just giving kids the opportunity to do less less is more so bring on the opportunities to have literal silence to be out in nature to look up at the sky or the stars or watch all the snowflakes coming down and just being like the wonder and I know you just put it post about this recently as well.

But really just those moments of wonder and curiosity and just like wow, how amazing is this and just expanding their view, their horizon, their awareness from things. Yes, all that, there isn't all that they don't have but even all that they do have like it's not that you have this toy, this book, this whatever just like nature. This connection with nature is a really powerful way to instill a sense of abundance and wonder and curiosity.

Laura: Yes, I so agree. Well Ilana, thank you so much for coming in talking about this with me. I feel like we talked about you know we were going to talk about abundance and we talked about so much and he really helped me broaden my understanding of abundance mindset.

So I really appreciate that so much and I'm sure our listeners do too. I'm guessing that they are going to be very curious about where they can find you and learn more from you so where are you these days work and then they find you and connect with you.

Ilana: Yeah, these days I am kind of hanging out on Instagram in terms of the social stuff because that's where I feel abundant and it feels like, oh I like this, this is a fun platform to be on um and most of some others that feel like stuck in my life, so on Instagram just, it's just my name along the bible and my website is IlanaB.com.

I teach yoga classes, I do one on one coaching, I have a group program that I'm gonna be holding again this spring and I have in terms of communication and an abundance and finding a way to be able to open that conversation with your kids about school and what they're learning. I have, we didn't even get to talk about it, but this really amazing method that I call the lollipop technique and if you want to get that you can get that on my website IlanaB.com. backslash lollipop and that will open up your communication with your kids about what they're learning in school in a really fun and amazing way.

Laura: Oh my gosh, I think that that will be so helpful because I think everybody wants to be able to have kind of abundant open conversations with their kids about school and most of the time we get nothing, it was fine. It was exactly like we got nothing so yeah.

Ilana: okay on the head. Yeah. And so that's all going to be in the show notes for our listeners. Thank you so much for being here. I was so excited to get to talk about this with you. I really appreciate it.

Laura: Yeah, thank you so fun.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. Remember to subscribe to the podcast and if it was helpful, leave me a review that really helps others find the podcast and join us in this really important work of creating a parenthood that we don't have to escape from and creating a childhood for our kids that they don't have to recover from.

And if you're listening, grab a screenshot and tag me on Instagram so that I can give you a shout out um, and definitely go follow me on Instagram. I'm @laurafroyenphd. That's where you can get behind the scenes. Look at what balanced, conscious parenting looks like in action with my family, and plus I share a lot of other, really great resources there too.

All right. That's it for me today. I hope that you keep taking really good care of your kids and your family and each other and most importantly of yourself. And just to remember, balance is a verb and you're already doing it. You've got this.

Laura Froyen, PhD

Laura Froyen, PhD

Balanced Parent Podcast

Laura Froyen, PhD

Welcome to the home of The Balanced Parent Podcast!

Episode 75: Embracing An Abundance Mindset With Ilana Beigel